Work Text:
Jinx fiddles with the buttons on her hand-me-down varsity jacket. Like most of her clothes, it used to belong to Vi. And like most of her clothes, it’s way too big on her. It would be the opposite of flattering on most people, but on her, it hides how boney she is. Plus, it’s comfortable. And she has very little of that in her life, let her have this.
She idles before the gate. She’d love to blame it on uncertainty over the address, but she quite literally couldn’t miss a whole ass mansion. The street’s full of them, but none of them are as whole and ass and mansion as this one. It’s disgusting. Daring to believe she’s been invited onto these people’s property. Who knows what the neighbours are thinking? She looks like a thief, scouting out the joint. Best case scenario they think she’s a beggar. Or a servant who didn’t get the memo about the uniform. She’s been the first two, in the past. She wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up being the last in the future. Her abysmal track record doesn’t bode well for her job prospects.
For the millionth time she wishes she had data on her phone so she could text Lux instead of ringing the bell. It’s terrifying, being on the precipice of whatever this is at the threshold of her home. What if she was wrong about her parents being gone? What if they came back?
What if Lux regrets what she did at school and changed her mind?
Or what if it’s always been a prank? It’d make a hell of a lot more sense than Lux actually wanting to spend time with her, no matter how elaborate it’s getting.
She hits the button. If it’s all a lie, she needs to get it over with. Then she could stop worrying at the why and start planning what next. She has a whole notebook full of torture methods ready for the occasion. She couldn’t bring herself to throw it away. Even if she’s disgusted by her own overactive imagination, it’s just how she felt at the time.
She doesn’t feel it anymore. At least, not for now. But that day? It was real. Unfortunately.
A voice from above, “I’m coming!”
Jinx startles. She thought she’d died. She thought an angel was calling her to… Well. To hell. That doesn’t make sense, but Lux’s voice is too bright to be anything but divine. Happy people get on her nerves, and if it was anyone else, Jinx would’ve rolled her eyes and left, but… She peeked behind the curtain last week, and now she’s hooked. It’s all an act. And not like everyone else’s. She has a monster inside like Jinx does. She just hides it better. Jinx could bear to learn a thing or two from her about that.
Lux steps out and… Jinx falls off a cliff. Even this distance apart, the difference between them is staggering. The blouse, the skirt, the shoes… They probably cost more than all of Jinx’s organs combined. She would know. She checked.
Lux opens the gate by hand.
“Don’t you have a butler for this?” Jinx says. Because she can’t say hello. And she most certainly can’t be nice.
“Not for my favourite guest.” She beams, “Besides, we have the house to ourselves today.” She hesitates, looking up at the brooding sky, “And tonight if needs be.”
Favourite? Tonight?
No. She’s just being weird. That’s Lux. She says stuff sometimes. It does look like it’s going to rain again, that was obvious when she left home. But she can’t really stay the night, and she really can’t get drenched to the bone again. If she misses any more school days…
She should’ve cancelled. Rescheduled. Why didn’t she cancel?
“Where are my manners?” Lux says, “Come in. Welcome to the Crownguard Estate.”
Jinx thaws her joints and Lux locks the gate behind them. With the wall so high and the barred entrance, there’s no way out. It’s like a prison. And given how Lux implied her life isn’t all that… Maybe she feels that way too.
She follows Lux into the house, up grand marble steps and through long corridors lined with paintings, sculptures, and engraved hardwood doors. There’s so much treasure laying around everywhere. If Vi could see this, she’d beg her to pocket something to pawn off. She wouldn’t be surprised if the servants did just that every now and then. There’s so much silverware and porcelain scattered throughout the glass cabinets that there’s no way anyone would notice a piece or two going missing. It’s both like and unlike her apartment. Vi and her have collected a lot of random stuff over the years, but it’s all junk. Things they’ve held onto because they can’t afford to throw anything away.
If she’s honest with herself, the Vi in her head’s right. It’d be irresponsible not to take something. They need the money a lot more than-
“And this is the study.” Lux says, as if she’s finishing a tour. But Jinx checked out as soon as she stepped into the house. She was too busy watching her feet and keeping her elbows from sticking out to far for fear of tipping a vase worth more than her soul.
What even is a study, anyway? It looks like a library to her. Not that she’s ever been to a library. She avoids the one at school harder than she avoided the sewer growing up in Zaun. But she imagines it looks just like this: shelves and shelves of books, recliners to read in, a desk to write on, and grand windows overlooking the back garden.\
She feels gross, walking in all sweaty like. She regrets not biting the bullet and catching the bus, even if it was only a couple stops away from school. She’s going to stink up any leather she sits in, the very air around her. It’s a wonder Lux hasn’t kicked her out already.
Lux takes one of the chairs facing the window and motions for Jinx to take the other. If it were a nice day outside, they’d be at the perfect angle for the sun to warm them up and shine on their notes. But it’s not. So they’ll have to settle for a front row seat to the brewing storm. Lux implied Jinx can stay the night, but… She really doesn’t want to get stuck here. Both because she feels out of place, and because she doesn’t want to risk getting caught by Lux’s parents. Lux obviously doesn’t want them to know about this. She invited her today specifically because she’s ashamed of their… Friendship? Can she even call it that? It’s charity, really.
She even dismissed her staff. Even they are too rich for Jinx.
She’s impressed, though. Vi only leaves Jinx alone at home when she has to. She would have thought the richer the parents, the harsher the supervision, but it might be the other way round. What’s Lux going to do? Throw a party? Ha! She’d never.
Then again, there’s a lot more under the surface Jinx doesn’t know about. Who knows what evil rituals she performs when she’s alone. There are so many books around, one of them has to involve dark magic.
“What are you looking at?” Lux asks, following her gaze to the stacks with a curious expression.
It’s kind of cute.
“Oh. Uh. I’m impressed. Is all. Lotta books.” That’s what you’re supposed to do in someone’s house, right? Compliment the decor.
“Do you even know how to read?”
“Fuck you.” She laughs, “You classist piece of shit.”
Lux shrugs, “For all I knew you grew up in a gutter.”
“I fuckin’ did! And I’m fuckin’ proud of it too! Fuckin’ bitch.”
“That’s an impressive number of swear words in one breath. Did the rats teach you that?”
“No. They only taught me how to bite.” She growls. “So stay outta reach!”
Why did she growl? Why did she growl? That was so stupid and cringe.
But Lux smirks. She’s amused. Phew. Jinx is just a zoo exhibit, or a show at the circus, not a failure of a human being. With Lux’s funds, she could probably make her into a zoo exhibit, or set up a circus tent around her for people to come and laugh at. Jinx wouldn’t even fault her. She’d have to say thank you, because even that is a bigger world than she deserves. She isn’t sure she’d try to escape.
“You love physics, right?”
“Love is a strong word.”
“Jinx.” She glares.
“Fine.” She sighs.
“Let’s start there.”
“What’s the point of tutoring if we’re just going to do what I’m best at?”
“Is that what I said?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe we should work on your listening comprehension, then.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Or the lack of respect for your betters.”
She gasps, “My betters?”
“The sooner you accept it, the sooner you start learning.”
You think you’re better than me! In her mind. On the tip of her tongue. Anyone else, or even, before last week, she’d have said it. She’d have spat it in her face, like she did when she faced down that teacher in detention, or that stranger who gave her a weird look on the street last month. But Lux is right. The reason she reacts so strongly is… She believes it. Other people are better than her. As annoying as it is, she has to come to terms with it. She came here, didn’t she? She might as well make the best of it. On the upside, Lux is meeting her energy. If a teacher gave her this much attitude, maybe she’d respect them enough to pay attention.
“Fine.” She hisses.
“Good. Did you do the homework due tomorrow?”
“Of course not.”
Lux sighs, “Take it out.”
“I don’t have it.”
She pinches the bridge of her nose and fumes.
Jinx appreciates the sight, but she admits she does have it. “Alright, I lied.”
“You better have.” She says. “Start working on it. I’ll be doing next week’s set.”
“But he hasn’t given it to us yet.”
“So?”
“How do you even know which ones to do?”
“I follow the book.” She says. As if it’s obvious.
“But he picks like three off each section!”
“I do them all.” She says.
“What?” Is she… “Are you gonna make me do that too?”
“Yes.”
“Ugh.”
“Stop whining. Start working.”
“UGH.” She groans, louder.
She sees it. Lux resisting the urge to smile. This is fun actually. Two girls getting on each other’s nerves. It’s like with her sister, only better. Because Vi actually gets angry, these days. She’s just gotten so busy and… Ever since Jinx started transitioning it’s been weird. Vi acts like Jinx is too soft to roughhouse, now. Too fragile to pick on.
But Jinx wants her sister back.
She can’t think about that right now.
She opens the book. Flips through the pages, aimlessly looking for the right chapter, and then the right exercise. She could have found it much easier if she had bothered writing the assigned work somewhere, but she doesn’t bother keeping a diary anymore. She remembers well enough. She finds the page and… She’s not even sure why she procrastinated this one. She enjoys electricity, it’s just… Time stops working right when she gets home. One moment she’s unwinding, and the next it’s way past any reasonable hour to go to bed. It’s not even like she does much at home. It’s mostly staring at the wall, screaming at her demons, designing planetary destruction… That sort of stuff.
“Jinx.” Lux pokes her.
“Ow!”
“You haven’t started.”
She groans again. What’s wrong with her? She grrabs the pen. That’s it. She’s going to start. She just needs to find a more comfortable position for the pen between her fingers. She twirls it. Stares at the page, willing it all to make sense. Maybe Lux is right. Maybe she doesn’t know how to read. Come to think of it… Does anyone? After a certain point, the pictures of words became second nature. She memorized the shapes. Looking at their dancing ink gives a loose image of what they represent in her head. She’s not actually reading the letters.
Lux sighs.
“I’m sorry.” She says. “I can’t focus. I just can’t. I’m not cut out for this. I’m lazy, and-”
“You take that back.”
Lightning strikes.
And the lights go out.
“Shit.” Lux says.
But Jinx is shocked by the force in Lux’s voice. She was really upset about… Jinx calling herself lazy. Disappointment thunders through her bones, and not just at the weather. It felt like they were on the cusp of making progress. Lux was about to give her hell and that would have been the motivation Jinx needs to be better. If only to show Lux she can.
“I’ll check the breaker.” Lux says, standing up to leave.
Jinx smirks, “Do you even know what that is?”
Lux glares, “I did this week’s homework, didn’t I?”
“Oh.”
She didn’t even know that was in there.
Lux leaves. And then she’s alone. With the books and her blank page in the gloom. It’s not too dark. It’s only the afternoon. She can’t really make the excuse that the cloud cover’s too thick and that she can’t see the questions. She can’t blame fate for taking away the opportunity to do her work.
And it’d be really impressive if Lux came back and she was done in spite of the blackout.
She glances at the first question. Just to see. Hypothetically. If it’s possible. And it is. Because it’s easy. She knows the formula. Just plug in the values. And… Done. The second, third… They build on each other, but each individual step is trivial. She looks over her shoulder, she can’t hear a thing. Lux must still be busy.
She does the maths in her head, sketches the circuit, writes the laws and explains the difference between parallel and series. She could’ve done this in middle school, do they think she’s stupid?
When she runs out of questions, she feels… Something. Something good.
But then she realizes Lux is standing right behind her.
“Well done.” She says, holding a candle.
“How long have you been there?” She gulps. How didn’t she notice the light over her shoulders?
Lux shrugs. Retakes her seat and puts the candle between them. “May I?” She asks, motioning at her paper.
She lets her take it. Embarrassed at being caught in the act of caring enough to do her homework. Who does she think she is? She’s supposed to never do well. That’s what everyone told her. She didn’t set out to prove them right, but… Being bad is the only thing she excels at.
Lux sighs. Sets the paper down.
“Is it all wrong?” She asks. Expecting the worst. She isn’t sure she wants to know.
“No.” She says, “It’s perfect.”
“No way.” She swipes the paper. “My handwriting’s shit. How’d you even read this?” She sure can’t.
“Chickenscratch notwithstanding. And you didn’t write your working. But it’s all correct.”
She groans. “Fuck. Fine. But it’s physics. That’s the only thing I have going for me.”
“Alright. What’s your worst?”
“Social studies.”
“Why?”
“It’s boring.” All it is is memorization. And she doesn’t want to remember all that crap.
“Why?”
“I don’t care about people.” She says. “People hate me.”
“Why?”
She groans, again. Her whole life is the why. Not only where she was born, what happened to her family, but also who she is in her core. All a miserable pile of reasons for everyone to hate her. And frankly? She doesn’t want it any other way. Everything she needs, she can do herself.
Hell, it feels like even Vi hates her, sometimes.
“Jinx.” Lux interrupts her train of thought, “I don’t think you’re bad at school.”
She rolls her eyes. Here it comes. She just needs to apply herself. To make the effort. To think about her future.
“I think you’re just… Neurodivergent.”
“Fuck you.” She snaps. How dare she? “I don’t need another shrink!”
“I wasn’t-” Lux pulls back. “I’m sorry. I-I’m just trying to say the world isn’t built with you in mind.”
“You think I don’t know that?” She half-yells. “You think I’ve made it this far thinking I’m normal?”
Lux grimaces. “Let’s take a break.”
“We haven’t done anything!”
“You did, Jinx.” She points to the paper, “That was fifteen minutes straight of focusing.”
“It was not that long.”
“It was.” Lux shakes her head. She stands again, “I’ll make us some tea.”
“I don’t want any.” She says. She doesn’t deserve it.
“I insist.” She says.
She huffs, “Hot coco, then.” She doesn’t like tea. Tastes like dirt.
She nods. “Come with me, this time. And bring the candle.” She walks away, “Unless you’re afraid it’ll burn you.”
Jinx grins, grabbing it. “More likely I’ll burn the house.”
“I wouldn’t complain.”
No emotion. Jinx isn’t sure she’s joking.
She has to rush to keep up. The whole place is a maze. If Lux sent her back on her own, she’d get lost. They make it to the kitchen, and even that is huge, but all Jinx can think about is Lux finding the kettle, putting it on the fire, and humming.
It’s nice.
That Lux is making her a drink, of course. She doesn’t have to. It makes Jinx wonder… How lonely Lux must get the other times she’s alone in such a big house. Vi’s apartment’s like a tin can full of screws, but it’s also one of dozens. There’s never a quiet moment. The loneliness Jinx finds in the dregs of her tiny room is different. Nothing like this… Emptiness.
Maybe Lux really does just want a friend. Maybe she sees how fake everyone else is at school. Maybe she’s trying with Jinx because she never bothers to mask her rage at the world around her.
Maybe Lux thinks Jinx isn’t fake.
She is. Just in a different way. A way that hurts. It hasn’t hurt in a while, but it does now. Why? Lux can’t tell. If she did, then… No. She won’t think about that. She’s lucky enough to be stealth this soon. Lucky Vi works her ass off to afford her meds. Lucky she got out from under that stupid psychologist’s wing and found one who’ll sign off on anything as long as she pays the stupid bill.
“Was it not the breaker, then?” She asks. Trying to distract herself. Make idle conversation.
“Hmm?”
“The power.”
“Oh.” She shrugs, “It’ll come back eventually.”
The thunder outside begs to differ. She doesn’t envy whoever has to go out in this weather to fix it. If they even will.
Maybe they’ll have to ride it out. Survive the night with nothing more than a candle.
But Jinx has to get home today. Vi probably prepared something. Even though Jinx asked her to treat the day like any other. She doesn’t want special treatment. Doesn’t want the reminder.
But spending time with her sister’s important. And if she doesn’t, Vi will probably spend the night drinking.
She buries her face in her hands.
“What’s wrong?” Lux asks immediately. Two steaming mugs in hand.
“I really need to be back home today.”
“Oh. Are you worried about the weather?”
“And I can’t catch another cold, Lux. They might actually kick me out this time.”
“I’ll get you a cab.” She says, “Don’t worry.”
“You will not.”
“It’s that or you sleep over. I’m not giving you another option.”
Jinx swipes the hot chocolate in protest. Tastes it.
“It’s hot!”
It’s delicious, is what it is. So rich and creamy. Nothing like the cheap, grainy packets she uses at home on the rare occasion Vi and her treat themselves. “I’ll pay you back.” She grumbles.
“No.” Lux says.
“I-”
“No.”
“Fuck!” It’s not fair. She has nothing to offer. Lux insists on paying for her cab, on tutoring her free of charge, on missing class for the first time to lie to the headmaster on her behalf…And who knows what else she’s planning, if this goes on much longer. What she’ll do on a whim just because she can. Jinx can’t repay a single cent of that good will.
Not to mention that if Lux knew who Jinx really was. Where she’s come from. She wouldn’t have done any of it. If she found out now? She’d kick Jinx out, for starters. She doesn’t know if it’d be with loud rage or silent disappointment, but she’s certain it’d happen.
Lux leaves by a different door than they came in through, forcing Jinx to do the same or suffer the awkward distance alone. They find themselves in the dining room, separate from the kitchen for some reason. Probably so the dainty nobles don’t have to see their sausages being made. What a scandal that would be.
Come to think of it, she’s impressed Lux knew how to make her own tea. She would’ve thought there’d be no need to learn, with servants around to do it for her.
Maybe she’s not such a princess after all.
Lux sits at the end of a long table, and Jinx joins her facing the windows. They’re even taller and grander than those in the study, with fancy velvet curtains and gold designs. The trees outside strain against the howling wind, and the electricity cables in the street behind them swing in circles like a jump-rope.
But the lamps are on.
“Are you sure you know how a breaker works? She teases. Maybe that’s something she can teach her. Her apartment complex’s system is flaky at best, and she’s had to fix it by herself on many occasions.
“Hm?” She follows her gaze, “Oh. Weird.” She chuckles. “It’s fine. I don’t mind the candle.” She smiles, looks down at the steam rising from her tea, “Do you like the scent?”
“Oh. Uh.” She looks down too. At the candle she’s still carrying around. It did look fancy, but… “Sorry. I can’t smell.”
“What?”
“I got really sick, once, and my sense of smell never came back..”
Lux quiets.
“Sorry.” She repeats. She gets a sense Lux is upset. For some reason. Maybe it’s an expensive candle?
“No. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Jinx shrugs, “It’s okay.” It really isn’t a big deal. It’s kind of a fun fact, that she can walk through the stinkiest part of town on the way home without batting an eye, “What’s it smell like?” She asks. It hasn’t been so long that she forgot it all.
“Rose and sandalwood.”
“Flower and tree. Got it.” She grins. She has no idea what that second thing actually is, but wood is wood, and she knows what that smells like.
“It doesn’t matter.” Lux says, pushing the subject away. But she’s avoiding eye contact. That’s normally Jinx’s job. “What time did you want to get home?” She asks.
“Like… Eight? Max.”
She nods. “Great. We can get through a couple topics, at least.”
Jinx makes an ugly face. She forgot she’s here to study. “You sure you don’t want me to check the power?” She hesitates, “I promise not to tease you about it, if you don’t know how.”
“I already looked.” She says. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay.” Fine. She almost wishes Lux would get frustrated or something. But if she won’t admit it, then she won’t admit it. Jinx finishes her drink before Lux has even started hers, and she regrets it soon after. She can’t put her hands in her pockets because her jeans are useless now, so she’s stuck holding an empty mug like a dingus.
“Why did you really invite me?” She asks, twiddling her thumbs.
“I’m lonely.” She says.
Oh. What? She’s supposed to lie. Fight back. No one’s meant to give up a secret like that without a fight. Jinx thought she’s supposed to dance around it, never speak it aloud for fear of making it true. It can’t be that easy, right?
“Why did you come?”
Her gut and every other fibre of her being begs her to say I don’t know. It’s her usual defence mechanism. But… Fuck it. “I guess I’m lonely too.”
Lux smiles, finally takes her first sip, “I’m glad we can be lonely together.”
Jinx rolls her eyes. This must be the universe’s way of cracking a joke. To give her a shot at a friendship on this day of all days. Lux has no idea, of course. Jinx didn’t tell her. She doesn’t tell anyone. But if Jinx did want a gift… This might be the best one she could get. Honesty. And a chance. “That’s stupid.” She says. But she means thank you.
“You’re stupid.”
And it means you’re welcome.
But she keeps it going, “Yeah. That’s why I’m here, dummy. To learn.”
“If I’m a dummy, then you won’t be learning anything.”
“But like-” She reaches, tongue between her teeth, “You’re a smart dummy.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“A dummy with good grades, then.”
“Is that all I am?”
“Yep!”
“How depressing.”
“Could be worse.”
“How?”
“You could be a dummy with bad grades.” She grins.
Lux shakes her head. But she does breathe out and roll her eyes. “Let’s get back to work, shall we?”
“But-” She groans, “Fine.” She says. She won’t admit it, but she’s kind of excited. If this banter goes on throughout the afternoon, if she can get another nod of approval, if they can take breaks like this every now and then… Maybe studying won’t be so bad. Maybe she’ll want to come over again.
They leave the dining room, but Lux stops just before the stairs to go to the bathroom, “Feel free to go up.” She says.
“Uh, yeah. Okay.” Right. Up those definitely unintimidating steps and then… She can’t remember. And now it’s been too long and she’s still waiting outside the door and-
Is that the breaker box by the entrance? Maybe she can check it real quick, before Lux comes out. If it’s switched off, she’ll turn it on and pretend the power came back by itself. Yeah. She won’t tell Lux it was her. She doesn’t want her to be embarrassed about it.
She unlatches it and… Yep. Flicks the switch. Appliances throughout the house buzz to life, and Lux still isn’t out. Mission complete. She still has the candle in one hand, but she doesn’t have the heart to put it out. It’s really nice of Lux to try to make the best of things, but if she’d just asked for help…
Who’s she kidding? Jinx would never have let her live it down. And if the roles were flipped, Jinx would’ve done the exact same thing.
It’s still weird, though. Lux is so smart, and it really is just a switch. And she wasn’t lying about the homework. Part of it was about circuit breakers.
Oh. It probably wasn’t the breaker, at first. The power must have come back with a surge and they didn’t notice, so it went down after Lux checked it. Lux didn’t lie. She wouldn’t have. She has no reason to.
Right?
Lux comes out of the washroom. Cool. Composed. As if every motion was recently rehearsed, “The power came back.” She says.
And Jinx sees her swallow.
Fuck.
Fuck. She did lie. Why? “Y-yeah.” She says. Why? She takes a step back. “You knew, didn’t you?”
Resignation. In her shoulders. Lux nods.
Is this it? Is Lux going to murder her and butcher her for parts? “Why?” She can’t keep the tremor from her voice.
“I wanted an excuse to use the candle.” She says. As if that’s enough. As if that explains anything. As if Jinx will believe anything she says from now on. “To set the mood.” She continues. “I’m sorry.”
“Why did you lie to me?”
“I mean… I didn’t… Technically.”
“I’m going home.” She says. She has to. Has to get away. Before she starts crying. Because somehow, she convinced herself Lux might be different. That she might-Might actually be safe.
“Please.” Lux begs, advancing, keeping the distance between them constant, “I can explain.”
“Then fucking do.” She stomps. She feels a hot flash. Her legs, her stomach, her face. A haze of nettles settles on every inch of her skin.
“It’s-” She grimaces, “You’re the only girl at school who doesn’t treat me like I’m a princess. I just-” Pain, in her face. How can she act so well? “I just wanted a moment-I-”
Jinx should be leaving. “You’re not making any sense.” But she isn’t. Because she’s in denial. She wants whatever Lux has to say to make a difference. Against all odds, she has hope. It isn’t like her. Not like her at all.
“I really like you.” Lux says.
Is that it? All she can offer in her defence? “You barely fucking know me.” She scoffs. “If you did, you’d know I hate people lying to me.”
Lux breathes out. Frustrated. For some reason. As if she has any right to be. Jinx is the victim here.
“I don’t mean as a friend.” Lux says.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Lux gapes. She looks so stupid. But she isn’t making sense. If she doesn’t like Jinx as a friend, then why would she ever invite her over to study together? Why would she bother sticking her neck out for her? How could she look past all the crazy?
“Ugh.” Lux says, finally. “I thought studying by candlelight could be romantic.”
What? “What?” What?
Alarm bells.
“Now you get it.” Lux says. “Yeah.”
“You don’t.” Jinx says, “You don’t. Not really.”
“I do.”
“No. You don’t.” Fuck. “You can’t.” Shit. Fuck. “I’m-” This could’ve been such a good day.
“Jinx. I’m a lesbian.” She says, tears spilling, trailing down her cheeks. “I’ve never said that out loud.” She says, smiling, “And you’re-”
“I’m not a real girl!” She says. Hatefully. It’s like spitting out broken glass, bloody and painful. It comes from somewhere deep, somewhere ignored and forgotten. Somewhere she thought she’d never go looking again. But it’s uncontrollable. Jinx tricked her. She did the one thing she’s always been afraid of doing. Fooled someone so hard they developed a crush. Lux isn’t lying. She never was. But Jinx? She’s been lying to herself.
She’s such a fucking creep.
Lux stares at her. Confused.
“Take it back.” She says. “You can’t feel that way.”
“I don’t und-”
“Take it back!” She’s a monster. Because she sees it now. This is what she was secretly hoping would happen. This is what she came here for. This is why she felt weird, when Lux approached her at the bus stop. Why she couldn’t get her out of her head. She was suppressing it, very hard, but her subconscious did what it does best and it betrayed her.
Lux stares at her.
Jinx sees the dots connect behind her eyes. Lux is smart. She’d probably have figured it out on her own, if she wasn’t so blinded by… By what?
By how well Jinx passes? Good for fucking her, right? Only she hasn’t earned it. She didn’t even start that long ago! This thing she has as a body is-It’s sick. She turns. Walks away. Her stuff doesn’t matter. She doesn’t care. She has to get away. Before she sees Lux’s reaction. The real one. When she finally gets it. It’d destroy Jinx, if she saw that happen. And she’s already going to-
Lux grabs her shoulder. Spins her around. Practically shoves her into the wall. The candle in her hand falls away and goes out as Jinx brings her hands up to defend herself, but fuck Lux is strong.
And there’s fire in her eyes. Danger.
Jinx makes herself small. She can’t fight back. She can’t. She’d hurt her. With her stupid man-hands. So what if she lost all the muscle? It’s still-
“Jinx.” She says, “What do you think lesbian means?”
Lux’s breath in her face. Her arm above Jinx’s head.
She could push her away. It’d be so easy. To run out, skid into the street, maybe slip and get run over. She’d be free of whatever this is.
“Answer me.”
“I’m not stupid.” She hisses. This is a cruel, cruel game. Forcing her to-
“What does it mean?” Lux begs.
“You’re only into other girls!” She shouts. She understands. Why she needs to be interrogated like this. Why she deserves to be punished. How dare she? How dare she ever think she could be a girl? Think that there was a chance in hell that she could have what she wanted for once in her life? This is the moment she gives up. She’ll flush it all down the toilet when she gets home. It was nice while it lasted, but when it comes right down to it? It’s wishful thinking. That’s all.
“So.” Lux says. Not blinking. Not looking away. “Why am I into you?”
She feels sick. Sick. Lux must be enjoying this. Torturing her. She’s sick in the head. Almost as sick as Jinx.
“Look at me.”
She musters all her remaining defiance. It’s in her bones. She was born with a veritable junkyard of it. She could spit in Lux’s face. Ask for the slap. Because fuck she needs to be slapped right now. She’s upset. Nauseous. Guilty. And fucking angry.
“Don’t you dare. Ever. Say that again.”
“Say what?” She says. She’ll fucking say it. Whatever it is that ticked Lux off. Over and over again. To spite her. To make Lux hit her. Hurt her. Physically. Because she needs to feel something. Anything. It’ll make it so much better to have a reference when she does it to herself later.
“You are a girl.” She seethes, “And the only reason I haven’t kissed you is I can’t fucking tell if you want me to or not.”
She melts and slips an inch lower. Still cornered. Still under fire from Lux’s hot breath.
“Please.” Lux says.
She can’t mean that. She can’t. It’s Jinx’s stupid optimistic side, the side she thought was shot out back, that isn’t finding the hidden agenda in her face. Lux is just that good. “I-” She can make her eyes seem honest. She’s a cobra, dancing to a tune, but ready to strike. She’s performing, with her whole body and soul. She believes she likes Jinx. “You don’t-” It hurts. Everything she’s ever wanted. It’s being dangled right in front of her. But it’s a trap. It’s a dream. It’s too good to be true. She tightens. Holds back her sobs. But her vision’s blurring, there’s pity in Lux’s eyes, “This isn’t real.” She says.
Lux sighs. Her gaze softens. She smiles, and her face lights up. Like one of those burning clouds Jinx sees at sunrise after an all-nighter. Lux lifts a hand to her cheek, and like a falling star, she wipes the tears with her thumb.
“Then stop me.” She whispers. Tilting Jinx’s head up by her chin.
Her knees wobble.
And Lux kisses her. She actually fucking kisses her. Everything explodes. It is real. Lux doesn’t care that she’s trans. She wants her anyway. Holy shit. Holy shit. She kisses her back. Badly. She has no idea how to. But she does it anyway! She doesn’t care! She’s kissing Lux. Lux is kissing her. And she’s so absolutely right. She’ll never say those stupid words again. Because this is real.
Lux bites her lip.
“Ow!” She whines.
“Just to convince you it’s not a dream.” Lux teases. She’s panting. Her eyes sparkling.
Jinx glances down at her lips. “It’s my birthday.” Out of breath. Finally admitting it out loud because maybe being born wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. Maybe it was all worth it. If this is what’s on the other side.
“Oh?” Lux smiles, “Is it now?”
She nods. A little too excited. “So you’re supposed to do what I want.”
“I’m not sure I do.”
“Yes. You do.” She insists. “And I demand more.”
Lux tuts. But she leans in again, and it’s just as real as the first one. Her lips taste like cotton-candy, and she swears they’re softer than anything she’s ever felt before in her life. She has to know what lip-balm she’s using, and she has to get one for herself next time. She has to find out Lux’s favourite flavour and cover herself in it head to toe, because dear god she needs there to be a next time.
Lux breaks the kiss again, and Jinx whines again. “More.” She says.
“Greedy.” Lux teases. “I promise you’ll have more… If-”
“No!” No ifs! No buts! More!
“You keep studying.”
“Why?”
“Every worksheet or topic you finish, you get another one.” She licks her lips, “That’s what you’re here for, remember?"
“That’s not fair!” Even Lux wants more, it’s painted all over her face!
Lux pinches her cheek. “Cute.”
“I am not cute.” She stomps.
“I beg to fucking differ.” Lux chuckles. And she walks away from her.
And she can finally breathe. She’s no longer cornered. No longer on the back foot. No longer under her thumb. But hell, breathing’s overrated. She needs more of whatever that was. She really fucking misses it. And the lack of control is a big part of it. The rocket barrage of emotions she was just run through with was a mountain reminiscent of the one she had to climb when her body was first acclimating to estrogen.
If Lux is gatekeeping affection behind Jinx doing her homework? She’ll do the fucking homework. All of it. The whole semester’s worth. Lux has no idea what Jinx is like when she sets her mind to something. When she well and truly commits. That smug look Lux has on her face, looking back at her and waiting on the first step upstairs?
She’s going to eat it right off.