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It’s a calm autumn evening in the phouse. A comfortable silence fills their home, except for the quiet noises coming from the living room.
Phil is sitting on the sofa with his beloved Switch in hand—all cozied up in his sweatpants, oversized jumper, and fuzzy socks with little rats on them. He’s had a bit of a lazy day in, doing the laundry, watering the houseplants, and playing a new video game that he bought the week before.
While Phil is snacking away, leaving crumbs all over the cushions, which he will definitely be reprimanded for later, Dan is out running errands. He left a few hours ago to pick up something from the post office that apparently failed to get delivered to their house as well as grab a few things from the shops.
Phil is so engrossed in the game that he almost doesn’t hear the front door open. What he definitely doesn’t miss is the loud slam of it closing.
He immediately senses that something is wrong. Dan usually doesn’t close the door that loudly, and he always jokingly yells, “Honey, I’m home” to let Phil know he is back. This time all Phil’s ears can pick up on is some quiet shuffling and muttered swearing.
Once Dan steps into the living room, Phil only has to take one look at him to know that his intuition was right. Something’s off.
Dan walks up to him with a deep frown, a tightened jaw, and a sad mop of wet hair. His shoulders are tense and his eyes are locked onto the floor. There’s also no package to be seen.
“Is everything okay, Dan?” Phil hesitantly asks.
Dan just sighs and tells him, “No, it’s not… I’m fucking pissed.
“When I got to the post office, no one could tell me where my package was, because a package with my tracking number apparently “doesn’t exist.” And then they just sent me away?? So who knows where the fuck that thing went.
“And then I went to the shop nearby to get those salty crisps that you like so much, but guess what? The lady in front of me bought the last fucking pair right before my eyes, when she could definitely tell how much I wanted them. So then I left defeated and took the tube home, but of course our line had a power outage, so they ushered everyone back out, and I had to walk all the way home.
“And you know what happened right then and there?” He pointed at his wet curls. “It started fucking raining.”
Phil winces and says, “That really sucks. I’m sorry, Dan.”
Dan schools his expression into something that Phil supposes is meant to look nonchalant. "Whatever. It’s not that big of a deal; it’s fine honestly. The package wasn’t that important anyway. I’ll just send them a mail or something… and I’ll just order you those crisps online. Anyways… I’m just going to grab a glass of water,” he grumbles and quickly leaves for the kitchen.
Phil’s eyes follow him all the way to the sink. He knows that mood very well. Actually, he knows all of Dan’s moods very well. And this one is particularly tricky.
His boyfriend is clearly annoyed by the events of the day but doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so he feigns indifference. While Phil openly craves attention and affection when he’s had a bad day and doesn’t feel well, Dan often tries to downplay the severity of his feelings to cope with the situation. And today seems to be one of those days.
Phil can tell that Dan doesn't want to talk about it and he absolutely respects that. Dan just gets like that sometimes; he understands. So he doesn’t pry any further and leaves it be. But that doesn’t mean he can’t make him feel a bit better.
Luckily for Dan, Phil knows exactly what to do to cheer up his partner and get him out of his funk in no time. He has a foolproof 3-step system set in place for moments like these.
What is really important, though, is that Dan cannot realize he is being set up. That is the most important part! If Phil started to outright acknowledge Dan’s misery, he would shy away like a cornered animal, and that just simply won’t do.
So Phil is just going to have to be sneaky about it.
Step 1: Make Dan Feel Accomplished
Dan loves to be helpful. That is a fact. He’s always ready to help when Phil is in any need of assistance, whether that is carrying the heavy bags, helping him open a tightly shut jar, or taking off his shoes after a long day, because Phil simply can’t be bothered to move.
And while Dan usually rolls his eyes and complains about it, Phil knows that he secretly enjoys it. He loves being capable, being useful. Especially when that usefulness earns him a sweet smile and a grateful kiss on the cheek from his beautiful boyfriend. Which is always.
It never fails to make Dan feel good and accomplished, and that is exactly what Phil wants him to feel right now, after the failure of a day Dan has very clearly had.
Phil glances at the paused game on the TV screen in front of him. After playing for a few hours, he’s now stuck at a level that is definitely not impossible to get through but admittedly quite difficult. If he really locked in, he could probably finish it by himself and continue with the next one, but… that is not his goal right now.
“Daaaan,” he calls out to the kitchen. “Can you do something for me?”
Not even 2 seconds later, Dan appears in the living room with a visible spark of hope in his eyes, like a dog who just got asked if he wants to play fetch. “What do you need help with?”
“This game is really hard… I can't make it past this stupid part cause I keep falling down. Can you do it for me, please?” Phil sweetly asks him with an exaggerated pout. Before Phil can even finish asking the question, Dan sits down on the sofa on his right side, reaching for the controller.
“Yeah, of course. Gimme.”
Dan unpauses the game, leans forwards until his elbows touch his knees, and shifts his concentration fully on the bright screen in front of him. He’s still wearing a frown on his face, but now it’s because he is completely locked in on the game, which is exactly what Phil wanted.
Phil loves seeing Dan in Game Mode—the crease between his brows, his upper lip sucked between his teeth, his posture slowly morphing into that of a shrimp. It really brings out his core essence. He loves his professional gamer boyfriend with all his heart.
A bunch of clicking and quiet swearing fills the room as Dan navigates his avatar through the landscape of the game. Phil tries to be a supportive partner by leaning on his shoulder while providing the occasional oohs and aahs.
His blue eyes are glued to Dan’s long fingers, which expertly move across the controller. God, he wishes those buttons were him… Before he starts drooling, he swiftly averts his eyes back to the TV.
As expected, Dan runs through the game much faster than Phil could have and manages to finish the level after only about 15 minutes. “Fuck yeah,” Dan yells triumphantly as he turns to Phil with a big, accomplished smile on this face. “That was actually a bit more difficult Phil; you’re right.” He’s most definitely just humoring him, but it’s fine.
Dan is now looking straight at Phil—brown eyes lit up with a shy and expectant look on his face. Phil can see right through him.
“Thank you, Prince,” he sweetly says, right as he gives Dan a little kiss on his left cheek. Dan quickly looks away, making grumbling noises under his breath, but Phil can see the corners of his mouth twitch and the little rosy patch on his cheek flare up. Yeah, he’s definitely totally cool about it.
There’s still a certain tension in his posture and a slight tightness in his jaw, but Dan has at least been temporarily distracted enough to be able to relax a little more into the sofa crease, and that is all that matters for now.
Step 1 of Phil’s plan has been successfully completed.
Step 2: Let Dan Yap About Whatever
As Dan gets up to finally change into a dry T-shirt and some shorts, Phil initiates Step 2—letting Dan yap about his current favorite interest uninterruptedly.
Whenever Dan finds a new topic that he is even remotely interested in, he goes into full-on gremlin research mode. He will simply not rest until he has learned every single piece of information there is about that specific thing, even if that means not remembering to eat or drink or get up to piss for a few hours. It really is that serious to him.
Whenever these episodes happen, Phil has to remind him to occasionally take breaks. Most of the time he just pulls him out of the gaming room by threatening Dan that he’s never going to get to cuddle Phil ever again if he doesn’t come to bed with him right now. And that usually does the trick.
As a matter of fact, Dan had been scrolling through Wikipedia the entirety of the previous day, so Phil knows for sure that he’s got some major knowledge ready to drop at any moment.
So when Dan reemerges from their bedroom with fully dried hair and a new set of clothes, Phil knows exactly what to do.
“Dan, what was that thing you were reading about yesterday? It looked really interesting; what was it about?” he very casually and totally nonchalantly asks while rearranging the sofa cushions next to him.
Dan’s whole body swivels around in an instant like a dog who just heard the sound of his favorite squeaky toy.
“Oh my god, yes! Do you remember that amusement park that we went to with your parents two years ago? They started building a new rollercoaster that’s higher than all the other ones we went on, and they just finished building it last month—it is CRAZY, Phil.”
With a pleased little smile, Phil folds his hands politely in his lap. Hook, line and sinker.
“Go on,” he encourages Dan and repeatedly bats his eyelashes to show him that he is all ears.
With that, Dan immediately breaks into a long monologue, animatedly flopping his hands around in the air. Phil thinks he looks a bit like those floppy inflatable figures that look like long noodles moving in the wind. He wonders what that would feel like… but no, he needs to focus! He can’t get distracted.
It’s not that Phil doesn’t try to pay attention. But in all fairness, once Dan starts going off about something he is passionate about, there really is no stopping any time soon.
After a few minutes of hearing about air time and inversions, Phil zones out again and gets lost in his little mind palace. His eyes gradually wander from Dan’s face down to his torso.
Dan’s upper arms look really good. He’s been going to the gym more frequently, and it definitely shows. Phil kind of wants to squeeze and chomp down on them. His partner also has this concentrated look that he finds really hot right now… And now he’s thinking about Step 3 already. But we are not there yet!
“The velocity, Phil, the velocity!!” Dan interrupts Phil’s wandering thoughts with wide eyes, hands above his head like he’s on the damn rollercoaster himself right now.
“Yeah, totally!” Phil nods and smiles, having no idea what he just agreed to. Judging by the fact that Dan returns his smile and just continues to yap on, he guesses he must have said the right thing. Phew…
Another 20 minutes or so pass, and Dan slowly seems to come to his finishing statements.
“Yeah, so I guess that’s kind of it,” he says, not even a little out of breath after all that nonstop chattering.
“That all sounds really cool! We should go there again some time soon and test it out,” Phil exclaims, trying to show his interest despite already feeling a bit sick thinking about the three loopings Dan mentioned earlier.
"Definitely. Actually, let me look up their openings; maybe we can go there next month…” Dan’s already whipping out his phone, ready to purchase some tickets.
He looks a lot more relaxed now, Phil notices. After his yap session, his whole demeanor has shifted from the beaten down figure that stepped into their house an hour ago to a much calmer and happier Dan.
Step 2 is now officially done as well. Almost all his stress has been yapped off. Almost.
Dan being on his phone gives Phil the perfect opportunity to prepare for the last part of his sneaky master plan.
Step 3: Get Dan to Relax
Sex. Step 3 is sex.
If you asked Dan for a list of his favorite activities, sex would be definitely at the very top of that list. It helps him get out of his head and escape the millions of thoughts that keep swirling around in his busy mind. There’s nothing else he needs to concentrate on other than flesh and fluids. And that is exactly what Phil has in mind for tonight.
While Dan is still babbling about ticket prices and peak amusement park snacks, Phil discreetly sneaks off to the bathroom to take a nice, long shower to prepare.
Once he steps into the room, he takes off his clothes and unceremoniously throws them on the floor. Hot steam fills the air, making all the tiles on the walls fog up completely.
He cleans himself thoroughly, making sure to use the birthday cake shower gel that he knows Dan really likes, and puts on the lotion that makes his skin extra smooth. On camera, Dan might tease him about his soft skin that’s “never seen a day of manual labor,” but he knows for a fact that Dan actually adores running his hands over his body every chance he gets.
Once he steps out of the shower and dries his body with exactly three towels, he gets dressed in a sleep shirt, a pair of dark blue boxers, and his favorite fluffy robe and slowly makes his way back to the living room.
He stops directly in front of his boyfriend, whose long limbs are now splayed out all over the sofa. With his hands firmly placed behind his head, Dan lazily squints up at his boyfriend.
“Come on, sofa boy,” Phil simply says as he stretches out his hand for him to take.
Without any hesitation, Dan reaches for his palm and pulls himself up. “Where are we going?”
Phil doesn’t bother with a response. He just pulls Dan along to their joined bedroom across the hall with a mischievous little smile on his face.
Their room is dimly lit, the warm light casting shadows across the walls. The bedsheets are freshly changed and smell like their new laundry detergent. On the other side of the room, the leftover sunlight floods through the heavy curtains.
Phil pushes Dan to lay down in the middle of the bed and ushers him to scoot up to the headboard. He then quickly takes off his robe and climbs on top as well to straddle his hips.
Once he is properly seated, with his thighs firmly planted on both sides, Dan’s hands immediately find his soft hips and give them a small appreciative squeeze.
“Not that I’m complaining, like at all, but what’s this about?” he asks with a low voice, his dark eyes already completely fixated on Phil sitting above him.
“We’re going to have sex,” he plainly announces. Phil Lester—never one to beat around the bush.
“Oh! Oh, okay,” Dan swallows and chokes out, “yeah… yeah that… that sounds, uhm… great. Amazing actually."
“Great!” Phil sweetly beams at him and instantly starts grinding down on Dan’s crotch.
“Fuck! Okay… hold on, let me,” Dan gasps out. His hands quickly wander from Phil’s hips down to his ass.
Phil’s ass is without a doubt his favorite place, and Phil knows it. Dan even once told him that if he could live anywhere in the world, it would be right there—right in the crease where Phil’s thighs meet his ass. He really has such a way with words.
After getting comfortable, Phil’s hands start to roam from Dan’s upper arms to his shoulders and then behind his neck, where his curls start to grow. While one hand starts to tilt his head up for a kiss, the other goes down to brush over Dan’s growing bulge.
“Shit, Phil,” Dan groans out. Quiet sounds fill the room as they keep getting lost in each other's touch.
As the minutes go by, Phil starts to get impatient and pulls at the hem of Dan’s shirt and moves it over his head, throwing on the floor with a soft thud. While Dan shimmies out of his shorts, Phil reaches over to their nightstand to get the half-empty bottle of lube that’s stored in the top drawer.
After swiftly taking off his underwear, he goes to straddle Dan again, this time turned around with his back facing Dan. Prettily arching just for him.
Dan’s brain short-circuits as he takes in the sight in front of him. Phil’s skin looks even paler in the moonlight coming through the curtains, making the constellation of moles at the small of his back stand out even more. Dan presses his hands together and looks up at the ceiling. ”Thank you,” he silently mouths.
He then starts palming his aching cock to relieve some of the pressure and snatches the bottle of lube away from Phil’s hold.
Getting Phil ready is Dan’s favorite part about sex. Under no circumstance is Phil allowed to finger himself open. It is one of their unspoken rules in the bedroom.
One time, not too long into their relationship, Phil had prepped himself beforehand due to lack of time, thinking he would do both of them a favor, but Dan was devastated. Poor guy almost started crying. He looked like a dog that had been told he’s not allowed on the bed.
Phil hasn’t dared to take that away from him again ever since. Dan’s fingers are better anyway.
“Oh my God, can you hurry up, please? I’m falling asleep here,” Phil says while loudly fake yawning.
“Fucks sake, stop being such a brat! You’re the most impatient person ever, I swear to god.“ Dan opens the cap and quickly pours some lube on the fingers of his left hand. It’s cool against his hot skin.
After warming it up between the pads of his fingers, he gently presses them against Phil’s entrance, while his other hand firmly holds onto his waist. Phil’s hands tighten on Dan’s knees as he leans forward, letting his head hang down. “Ughh, finally. Took you long enough.”
Dan gives his cheek a light slap. “Oh my god, be quiet!”
After circling the rim, he carefully pushes in with one finger. One finger slowly turns into two; two turn into three.
When Dan deems him prepped enough, he cautiously pulls out and wipes his sticky hands on the discarded shirt next to him.
“Okay, c’mon, princess. Let's lie down.” Dan moves to get up but is immediately stopped by Phil, who clumsily turns around to face him again. His legs might already feel like jello, but he’s determined to pull through with his plan.
“Nope. Stay exactly where you are! You just relax and enjoy,” he says as he puts a hand on Dan’s chest and pushes him back down.
"Oh?" Dan looks up at him with raised brows. “What did I do to deserve this?”
Phil smiles at him, “Let’s just say I’m feeling generous tonight.”
He grabs the lube, pours some on his hand, and wraps it around Dan’s shaft. The movement makes Dan hiss and grip down on the plush of Phil’s pale thighs.
“Okay, see now I need you to hurry the fuck up actually,” Dan grits through his teeth.
“As you wish,” Phil lifts his thighs, lines up Dan’s cock, and sinks down in one smooth motion. Both men throw their heads back in unison.
Phil adjusts his posture a little, his hands finding their place on Dan’s torso, knees digging into the soft mattress below. A small whimper leaves his lips as the position makes everything feel much more intense.
“You look so pretty like that. Does it feel good?” Dan asks with hooded eyes. He’s so fucking hard it hurts.
“Mmh mmh, yeah,” Phil gasps out. “You always feel good.”
Dan’s hips involuntarily buck up at that. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
After taking some time to adjust, Phil leans down to meet Dan’s lips and starts to move his hips in small motions.
The two of them get lost in the movement, their soft touches getting more intense as time goes on.
Despite Phil’s thighs starting to burn, he doesn’t dare slow down.
Normally Dan would take over at this point; he would flip them over as soon as he sees Phil scrunching up his face with frustration and struggling to stay upright. However, Phil doesn’t want that to happen today. He wants his boyfriend to feel good, so he ignores the ache in his legs and continues moving.
“I’m… I’m close,” he manages to get out. Automatically, Dan plants his legs on the bed and moves his hips to meet Phil’s ass halfway.
“Shit, me too… Come on, come for me.” He squeezes Phil’s thighs and thrusts deeper.
The feeling of being completely full with Dan’s cock and his own being tightly pressed against Dan’s stomach pushes him over the edge. He rides out his orgasm, quiet whines escaping his lips until they come to a halt.
Dan doesn’t stop. “Fuck fuck fuck, you feel so good. So perfect, I’m…” His mouth falls open as the increased tightness around his dick sends him over the edge. “Ohhh my god, fuck.” He pulls Phil as close as possible and fills him up until he’s completely and utterly spent, muttering incoherent phrases into his partner’s neck.
With sweaty curls clinging to his forehead, Dan’s head drops back onto the soft pillow. Phil slumps down onto Dan’s chest. He doesn’t think he'll be able to form a comprehensible thought any time soon.
After his breathing turns back to normal, Dan carefully pulls out, earning a high whimper from Phil. “Shh, sorry, babe,” he softly says.
Dan then reluctantly gets up to grab a washcloth from the bathroom and cleans them both up. “You okay?" he asks while snuggling back up to Phil in bed.
“Hmm, yeah… more than okay,” Phil yawns and stretches his limbs sleepily. “How about we watch the new Traitors episode and order some food, hmm? Maybe that new Indian place you wanted to try?” Phil suggests.
“Fuck, yes!” Dan looks down at Phil fondly. “You really know me. I love you so much.”
Phil gives him a small kiss and says, “I love you too, Dan.”
Glancing at his partner, Phil realizes that Dan looks fully relaxed now. No frown, no tightness in his shoulders, no set jaw. Just pure relaxation. Almost as if today’s events hadn’t even happened.
Just to make sure, Phil decides to bring up the lost package from earlier while Dan’s on his phone ordering their usual. “Have you decided what you’re going to do about that package?” he mentions offhandedly.
“What package…? Oh yeah, the package… I already forgot about that. I’ll take care of it tomorrow," he waves dismissively and pulls Phil closer into his chest. He doesn’t even seem to remember.
With a content sigh, Phil buries his head in Dan’s neck and smiles to himself. His plan worked out just fine.