Work Text:
[A professional team photo of Ilya Rozanov smiling against a marbled gray backdrop.]
@centaurshockey Join us starting tomorrow as our beloved Captain takes over social media for a few days! It's going to be fine (we hope) ❤️
Posted October 17th at 3:12 PM
❤️ 55,025 💬 543
***
@ivyholly41 Oh, I can't WAIT for this
@livelaughcens I don't think I've ever been more sat.
@captainclapper oh my god. how much hot hollanov content do you think we're going to get this week?
@ilyarozanov81 @captainclapper ♾️
@b00dramzane @harrisdrover1995 how much are you going to regret this?
@harrisdrover1995 @b00dramzane ♾️
[Ilya Rozanov is shown on the screen propping his phone against a tree. He's in a wooded area, sweaty from a run as he breathes hard, and Shane can be seen in the background emptying a water bottle into a collapsible bowl for Anya, their dog. Ilya backs up and holds Shane's phone in one hand, extending it above his head and angling the phone down, towards his face and chest. He pours water from his own bottle over his head, and films it dripping down his hair and face, causing the white t-shirt he wears to become transparent. He drops the bottle and lifts his shirt up to wipe at his face, exposing his chest and abs as he bites his lip at the camera. It's then that Shane notices what he's doing.]
Shane: What the fuck? Did you just empty the last of our water over your head?
[Ilya rolls his eyes and gestures behind them.]
Ilya: It's fine. The car is right there, and don't act like you don't have a whole case of water in the trunk.
[Shane huffs at him, lifting his arms to retie his shoulder length hair that's come loose from the run. His own stomach becoming exposed in the process.]
Shane: It's the principle of the thing.
[Ilya waves his phone towards Shane.]
Ilya: I think your principles will be just fine once you see this.
Shane: I highly doubt that.
[He says it even as he's moving toward Ilya. Shane watches the screen, his eyes widening while his faces flushes even more than it already is from his run. He swallows and finally nods.]
Shane: Yeah, okay, that was worth it. Can you send that to me?
[Ilya leans close and winks, his smile turning impish as he holds the phone out to Shane.]
Ilya: I recorded it on your phone so you would already have it.
Shane: Fuck, I love you so much.
Ilya: Are you going to kiss me to show me how much?
[Ilya's eyes flick down to Shane's lips and then back up as Shane's nose crinkles in disgust.]
Shane: Not until you've had a shower.
[He begins to walk toward the car, bending to grab Anya's water bowl as she trails behind him. Ilya walks towards the camera, a bright grin on his face as he picks up the phone, once again lifting his shirt to wipe at his face, showing off his abs. He winks at the camera as Shane can be heard in the background.]
Shane: Can you stop being sexy now and come on so we can go home and shower and I can actually kiss you?
[Ilya's grin grows as he turns to walk towards his husband, speaking just before the video cuts off.]
Ilya: Why do you ask me to do impossible things?
@centaurshockey Family runs are my favorite ❤️ 💦
Posted October 18th at 9:12 AM
❤️ 104,765 💬 2,781
***
@saveahorse20 YUM
@censgurl90 Shane refusing to kiss his sweaty post-run husband until he showers is so relatable. Celebrities really are just like us.
@lincooper I know nothing about hockey (I think that's what these guys play?) but I hope my algorithm keeps bringing me back because dayum.
@beakyplinders Ilya using the last of his water to make a thirst trap is so on brand
@chirplord taking thirst traps with your husband's phone so he'll have easy access to them should be a love language
@hockeywhore hey @realshanehollander any chance you might post those photos @ilyarozanov81 took on your phone?
@realshanehollander @hockeywhore No.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 🤗
[Shane Hollander sits at a dining room table. Black-rimmed glasses are perched on his nose as he concentrates on a piece of paper in front of him. He twirls the pen expertly from knuckle to knuckle with one hand, while he absentmindedly runs his thumb across his bottom lip with the other, causing his lip to bounce lightly at the contact. It takes nearly twenty seconds for him to notice he's being recorded, and when he looks up, he gives the camera a half-hearted glare.]
Shane: Are you recording me?
Ilya: Of course I am.
Shane: Why? I'm just making a grocery list, no one gives a fuck about that.
Ilya: That is maybe the most untrue thing you've ever said.
[Shane smiles and rolls his eyes, adjust his glasses before he turns back to his list.]
@centaurshockey No one has ever done anything like him ❤️
Posted October 18th at 1:40 PM
❤️ 104,765 💬 2,781
***
@censfan1221 GLASSES
@theblacknred LIPS
@shanehollanderswife FINGERS
@indacrease @realshanehollander I love you so much.
@realshanehollander I mean, thanks, but it's just a grocery list?
@puckme90 as if Shane Hollander could ever 'just' do something.
@rozanoff81 @ilyarozanov81 how do you live with yourself being so greedy and taking this man off the market?
@ilyarozanov81 @rozanoff81 very easily 😉
[An image of Ilya Rozanov on a bed on his knees with his legs spread out wide, the muscles in his thighs pulled tight. He's wearing tight, muscle-fit boxers and a Centaurs number twenty four jersey that's cut off to expose his midriff. His arms are raised behind his head as he bites his lip.]
@centaurshockey Feeling a little shy about being a Shane Hollander fan 🤭
Posted October 19th at 11:11 am
❤️ 176,465 💬 4,221
***
@p3naltyb0x HOLY SHIT
@brokebaddie Shane Hollander you lucky son of a bitch
@rinkrogue1 in the immortal words of Paris Hilton, "that's hot."
@creasegremlin the thought of Ilya Rozanov being shy about Shane Hollander lol
@wyatthayes @ilyarozanov81 dude, you literally cried at your WEDDING to the man.
@ilyarozanov81 @wyatthayes I don't see how that's relevant
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 Did you seriously ruin a perfectly good hockey jersey for this?
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander …….possibly?
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 ILYA!!
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander would it help you feel better to know the original photos and all the extras are on your phone? 😇
@realshanhollander @ilyarozanov81 ……possibly
[Shane stands in the living room in a soft hoodie and basketball shorts. His hair is wet from a shower and Anya is held in his arms like a baby as he rocks her gently, her eyes drooping closed as he moves, apparently unbothered by Shane's continuous talking.]
Shane: Can you believe they tried to sell me that subpar dog food for her? Like honestly, what the fuck? I mean, yeah, she's an active dog who obviously needs carbs, but that food had so many terrible fillers in it, I would literally never give that to her. And THEN he tried to suggest something grain free as if that's not the worst possible thing we could do. Because again, like, I don't want her entire diet to consist of that stuff, but it's vital for nutrient absorption so she has to have some of it in her food. [He pauses to lay a kiss to her nose.] As if I didn't spend literal weeks researching all this shit, come on. I would never—
[He stops when he notices Ilya filming him.]
Shane: You just filmed all that, didn't you?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: Good, because they need to know about this, make sure you tag them when you post it, too. And while we're on the subject, toys. Why the fuck do they make so many of them so dangerous and easy to destroy? Do they not even care about their clientele?
[The video shakes with Ilya's laughter before the feed cuts off.]
@centaurshockey IS THIS NOT THE HOTTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN. (@petvalu your days are numbered.)
Posted October 19th at 9:40 pm
❤️ 190,134 💬 5,129
***
@hellisrebuke yes. yes this very much is the hottest thing i've ever seen.
@troybarretthockey @hellisrebuke AGREED
@rideordie24 as if we needed another reason to think Shane Hollander was hot AF 🥵
@definitelynottroybarrett @rideordie24 right? like okay universe. we get it.
@heavennhell we stan a researched dog dad
@lizziegreen look how comfortable she is with him!
@petvalu We are so sorry to hear you had a less than positive experience in our store! We've sent you a DM to try and make it right.
@realshanehollander @petvalu my dog is the one you should be apologizing to.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander SO HOT.
@harrisdrover1995 not really sure we should be using the team's socials to call out companies, but what the hell? #justiceforanya
[Ilya is seen in his home gym wearing tiny shorts and no shirt while holding a kettlebell to his chest. He drops into a deep squat, the video playing in slow-motion, highlighting the movements and his muscles as sweat drips down his bare chest. When he raises back up after the second squat, he licks his lips seductively at the camera before turning around and squatting again with his back and ass now fully on display.]
@centaurshockey Going to need some ass-pirin after that workout 😉
Posted October 20th at 3:02 pm
❤️ 194,298 💬 5,511
***
@icingtherink holy fuck we're being fed
@centaurmaven thank god instagram lets you download videos
@backhandsorcerer I don't believe in god, but this week is starting to change my mind.
@lucahaas Wow, Captain, this is impressive. Do you think you can show me how you do this?
@centreme Can you imagine this man on the dance floor whenever he's told to drop it?
@evandykstra @centreme I've seen it. It's a thing to behold.
@janeysworld Oh, my name's Ilya Rozanov and I'm married to Shane Hollander and have the fattest ass in the NHL. GIRL, FUCK YOU.
@ilyarozanov81 @janeysworld That is perhaps the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you.
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 I should have known something was up when you randomly wanted to work out twice in one day.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander and wasn't it worth it?
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 I've grown enough to admit that yes. It was. But you'd better airdrop that to me right now.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 🫡
[Shane sits on the floor next to a coffee table with various beauty products spread across the space. The four Pike children flutter around him putting pins in his hair and blush on his cheeks as one paints his nails a ghastly green color.]
Shane: She said what?
[Ruby looks up from painting his nails, waving the brush around as she talks.]
Ruby: Uncle Shane, she said that hockey was a dumb sport.
[Shane's mouth drops open, his expression dumbfounded as Arthur applies gloss to his lips. Shane waits until Arthur is finished before he speaks.]
Shane: Ruby, you've got to get new friends. That's the worst take I've ever heard in my entire fucking life, and I'm married to your Uncle Ilya.
Jade: That's what I've been saying!
[Amber pauses her brushing of his hair, and points across the room.]
Amber: Swear jar, Uncle Shane.
[Shane lets out a not actually annoyed huff and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a fifty note and holds it out to Amber and smiles warmly at her.]
Shane: You can keep the change. [He examines the painted nails on one hand, nodding in appreciation before placing his other on the table to be done.] Okay, now tell me more about this Sofia person. What else did she say? I need the whole story, don't leave out any details.
Jade: She said that soccer was the harder sport.
Shane: Stop it.
@centaurshockey xoxo- gossip shane ❤️
Posted October 20th at 7:45 pm
❤️ 222,786 💬 6,020
***
@cherryontop I don't even have ovaries but somehow they just came to life
@achilleshighheels Uncle Shane 🥹
@bleedonme Shane being a gossip is somehow hotter than Ilya doing kettlebell squats. And that was really fucking hot.
@cooperottawa fuuuck, him being secure enough to do this is just 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵
@caitlinblack dogs love him. kids love him. now all we need is him being good with old people and we'll have the green flag hot guy trifecta.
@davidhollander @caitlinblack He helped me set up my new phone this week and didn't complain one single time
@cailtinblack @davidhollander well, fuck me.
@davidhollander @caitlinblack I'm happily married, but I hope you find the right person for you out there!
@definitelynottroybarrett of course he can pull off lime green
@haydenpikemontreal are you seriously posting my kids on your team account?
@ilyarozanov81 @haydenpikemontreal did you seriously get Shane and me outed in a fucking FanMail video?
@haydenpikemontreal @ilyarozanov81 you know what, that's fair. Carry on.
@realshanehollander Sofia, all I'm saying is, let's have a talk, because some of your takes are questionable at best.
[An image of Ilya standing in his backyard, fall leaves scattered around him. His curly hair is styled with one perfect ringlet sitting on his forehead, and he's wearing fitted trousers along with shiny black dress shoes, and a long tan, wool coat that's open to reveal a bare chest.]
@centaurshockey Coat Season 🍁🍁
Posted October 21st at 8:17 am
❤️ 219,711 💬 6,229
***
@punchdrunk look at me suddenly loving coat season
@jerseyclub dear mom and dad, thanks for having me so I could be alive at such a time as this.
@hattdaddy this appeals to me Specifically
@luckypuck01 it's wrong to objectify people. it's wrong to objectify people. it's wrong to objectify people
@zamboner woah.
@b00dramzane never change, roz. never change.
@enforcer18 fuuuccckk meeeeeeee
@beckywiththeokayhair oh. he knows exactly who he is.
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 is that my coat?
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander I mean, technically, but clearly its potential was being wasted on you ❤️
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 I leave for an hour and this is what happens. Who even took the photo?
@troybarretthockey @realshanehollander ✋✋✋
@realshanehollander @troybarretthockey I should have known.
[Shane holds a fitted sheet in his hands. He puts his hands into the bottom corners of the sheet and moves them up, placing the corners in his hands up into the top part of the sheet. He picks it up and shakes the fabric out to make sure it's aligned before laying it on the bed, bringing the elastic in just a bit to form a rectangle. He then folds the sheet into thirds horizontally, flattening it as he goes along, before folding it again and again, continuing to flatten it out until he holds a small square in his hands. He smiles at Ilya behind the camera.]
Shane: See? Easy.
Ilya: You're so hot.
[Shane laughs and blushes.]
Shane: What would you do without me?
Ilya: May we never find out.
Shane: Do I want to know how you tried to fold it?
Ilya: I think it is still good to have some mystery in our relationship, yes?
[The video switches, the words, 'three minutes earlier' on the screen. Ilya holds the same fitted sheet in his hands trying and failing to fold it. He ends up wrapping it around his hands, trapping them within the fabric before he throws the sheet, and starts to walk toward the bedroom door, yelling.]
Ilya: Shane! Fucking help me!
@centaurshockey Shane Hollander - A Generational Talent
Posted October 21st at 4:41 pm
❤️ 350,208 💬 6,893
***
@bolddefender okay, THIS is officially the hottest thing I've ever seen
@blameitonme is…this what a competency kink feels like?
@susiequeue girls be like, 'i needed this' and it's an nhl star folding a fitted sheet
@definitelynottroybarrett @susiequeue not just any NHL star. It's Shane Hollander 🤯
@offsidezzz I feel like I'm watching a unicorn in real life
@screamintothevoid what sorcery is this?!
@sunshine99 forget the shirtless photos. this is what the world needs.
@hollzyfan91 No, let's keep the shirtless photos, too. Give us everything. We're greedy.
@slamintotheboards goddamn, montreal has no idea what they gave up.
@ottawagirly you just know the wag group chat is going to be blowing up about this lol
@drlisa @ottawagirly you are correct!
@rozanovog Ilya knows what the people want. Shirtless photos of him and countless examples of Shane Hollander just being Shane Hollander
@hockeywhore this is actually so fucking hot. who knew your sexuality could be shane hollander folding a sheet.
@ilyarozanov81 @hockeywhore I knew.
[Shane and Ilya work together in the kitchen. Shane is cutting strawberries while Ilya stands by the mixer as it works whipped cream in a bowl. He turns off the machine, and dips a spoon into the bowl, bringing it out and swiping his finger through the fluffy white concoction. He holds his finger towards Shane's lips, and Shane eyes it warily for a second before he closes his lips around Ilya's finger. His eyes close at the sweet taste and he audibly moans as Ilya's mischievous grin grows.]
Shane: Damn, that's good. [Shane's smile suddenly mirrors Ilya's as his dark eyes look over Ilya's face.] You want to taste?
Ilya: Fuck yes.
[They crash together, kissing passionately while spoon falls to the floor with a clang. Shane's tongue quickly slips into Ilya's mouth and Ilya's moan echoes Shane's, his hands wandering lower until they're grabbing at Shane's ass. They continue like this, completely wrapped up in each other until Yuna Hollander's voice can be heard.]
Yuna: Boys! It's a little too quiet in there. Should we see ourselves out?
[Shane and Ilya break apart, their foreheads resting against each other as they try to steady their breathing. Shane manages to gather himself enough to answer his mother.]
Shane: No, we'll be out in just a sec!
[They smile at each other and turn back to plating the cake, strawberries and then topping the dessert with the whipped cream Ilya made. Shane gives Ilya a quick kiss and then carries two plates out to the dining room and Ilya waits for him to disappear before he runs his finger into the whipped cream again, popping the finger into his mouth and making an exaggerated moaning sound. He quickly washing his hands as he continues to grin. He picks up the remaining two plates and winks.]
Ilya: Bye, bye.
@centaurshockey Any and all complaints about this account not being a full-time fan account for Ilya Rozanov and his husband Shane Hollander can be sent to [email protected]
Posted October 22nd at 8:26 pm
❤️ 750,781 💬 10.1k
***
@andipandi HOW IS THIS WEEK ALREADY OVER
@athena14 @andipandi don't cry because it's over, smile and be horny that it happened or whatever that saying is
@lincooper thank you Internet Overlords for bringing me here, and I hope you can explain the merch I've bought for a team in a country I don't even live in to my family when it arrives.
@willowbend I hope somebody is that into me someday.
@iloveroz can you believe they posted this on the internet? for free?
@lucahaas Captain, you made whipped cream from scratch?! What can't you do?!
@troybarretthockey @lucahaas everyone can see you fanboying, my guy
@wyatthayes @troybarretthockey weird because @definitelynottroybarrett is out there doing way worse.
@troybarretthockey 😬
@backhanded it's embarrassing how quickly I saved this.
@b00dramzane everyone out here talking about how perfect Shane Hollander is, but the man left his mom waiting for cake so he could make out with his husband? @yunahollander you deserve better 😉
@yunahollander @b00dramzane trust me, this isn't the first time.
@realshanehollander @b00dramzane Thanks, Bood.
@b00dramzane @realshanehollander I live to serve, my friend.
@harrisdrover1995 @ilyarozanov81 You know, I want to be annoyed you just gave out my work email to millions of people, but look at that engagement! I've never seen numbers like this for another team.
@ilyarozanov81 @harrisdrover1995 never underestimate the power of hot men kissing on the internet.
@bearsstan never in a million years did I ever see Shane Hollander being okay with this stuff being posted on the internet.
@realshanehollander @bearsstan Trust me. I've long accepted my fate ❤️
@lifesavers666 @realshanehollander so, does that mean you'll be posting ilya-esque thirst traps on main soon? 👀
@realshanehollander @lifesavers666 not a fucking chance.