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The first time Sasuke saw him it was raining. He was five then and not much older than the boy he saw standing in the middle of the road. There was something about him that caught Sasuke’s eye. It was hard to place. Maybe it was the bright blonde hair, that had been muted by the downpour and now lay flat against his head, framing his face. Maybe it was the fact that his face was upturned, embracing the water that drenched him from head to toe, seeping through the orange fabric he was wearing and soaking him to the core. He made no move to find shelter, seemingly lost within his own mind, unaware of what was happening around him. Or maybe it was the tears Sasuke thought he saw escaping from closed eyelids and running down the child’s face, mingling with the salty rain water. He did not make a scene of his crying. No over exaggerated breathing or prolonged sniffling. Just silence and tears. Maybe that was what made Sasuke pause in the middle of the street to watch this strange creature who looked only a little bit younger than he, whilst getting drenched himself. The boy stood like that for a while, seemingly uncaring that it was getting dark and the temperature was dropping. He was content to stand there and cry. Sasuke did not know why he chose to stay and watch, but he did. He watched until the rain stopped. Watched until there were barely any people left wandering the streets, and watched until the tears stopped. He watched until the little golden child swiped one hand across his face, tears stopping as quickly as they had come, and walked away, disappearing around a corner with hand shoved in little pockets and shoulders slumped.
Sasuke watched until there was nothing left to watch.
Once the boy had gone and the trance Sasuke had been under had worn off, he too walked away, his little legs carrying him all the way back to the Uchiha district, purpose for going out long forgotten. He walked into the awaiting arms of a loving mother and worried brother. By the time what was left of the day was over, Sasuke had forgotten about the crying child he had seen on the streets. The child that had caught his attention and moved his heart. He had forgotten of his pain, lost in his own joy, as everyone always did.
***
The second time Sasuke saw him, nearly two years had passed and it was somewhere near the beginning of October. Unlike the last encounter that seemed to last an eternity, this one was over in less than a heartbeat. One moment he was there, and the next he was gone. Sasuke was walking home from cram school when it happened. It was dark out and he was heading home to show his mother the report from school he had just received stating that he was the number one student in his class. He was going to make his brother teach him a cool ninja technique as a reward. It was this he was thinking of when he saw him, and in that moment his excitement vanished.
The encounter was nothing too special, and yet it was all Sasuke could think about for the remainder of his journey home. There was something wrong with the picture he had seen. Sasuke had glanced at his feet for a brief moment, and it was then that he saw a flash of blonde from the corner of his eye. The orange jumpsuit the child was wearing was what triggered a memory in Sasuke’s mind of rain and tears. Sasuke remembered the child he had watched not too long ago. A few seconds after the boy had run past him, jumping from rooftop to rooftop, Sasuke saw a group of men running in vaguely the same direction. He did not know what to make of it, and so he pushed it from his mind. He did not want to join the pieces up and form a picture of what was happening. Either way it was not the group chasing the child that had captivated Sasuke’s attention, but the expression he had seen in the boys eyes. It was so different from the silent pain he had bore witness to before. This time his eyes were clouded with almost the same pain, but mixed with blind panic. Another expression flitted across the boys face for a fraction of a second, but it was enough for Sasuke to see it. To take note of it for what it was.
Fear.
Real and undiluted fear. The kind born from the knowledge that you could not escape the fate that awaited you, and that looked chilled Sasuke to the bone.
That was not the first time that Sasuke would be haunted by what he saw that night, for the scene awaiting him when he arrived home was enough to push thoughts of the strange child from his mind entirely.
***
The next time Sasuke saw the golden haired boy was during Iruka’s lesson. He was lecturing them about the importance of a shinobi trusting their comrades and a willingness to do anything to protect those you held dear. Sasuke no longer had people to fill that category and so he discarded what the man with the scar across his nose was saying. All that mattered for him now was getting stronger. He could not let idle chat about friendship and comrades distract him from the goal he needed to achieve. Strength was all he needed. It was then that the boy walked in, accompanied by the hokage. The third whispered something to Iruka sensei that Sasuke could not make out, and so his attention turned to the child still standing by the door.
He had changed since the last time Sasuke had seen him. Grown a few inches, put on a little more weight on his once thin frame. The biggest difference was the smile he was wearing. It was blinding. Radiant. So different from the look Sasuke had seen on his face before that he was almost unwilling to believe that this boy and the one he had seen before were the same person. He wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for the orange clothing, that was beginning to look like a staple outfit, the boy was wearing.
“Class this is Naruto, and he will be joining us from here on out. Please make him feel welcome,” Iruka said smiling. There was something weird about it that didn’t sit well with Sasuke. He may not have been a ninja yet, or a prodigy, but he could tell when something was forced. The smile on his sensei’s face was entirely false. He only noticed because it did not reach his eyes. This coupled with the fact that it looked like he had to force himself to touch the boy’s shoulder gave it all away to Sasuke but he did not know why.
“Go ahead Naruto, introduce yourself,” Iruka carried on, still unable to bring forth a genuine smile for the beaming child.
“Naruto Uzumaki’s the name, and I’m gonna be the next hokage. Believe it,” the boy all but yelled, grin still intact.
He had to notice the effort it took for Iruka to dredge the smile onto his face, Sasuke thought. He could even see that the boy’s presence seemed to set some of the other children on edge. And yet the boy remained smiling, as if oblivious to the wary looks he was getting.
“Go take a seat Naruto,” Iruka instructed and the boy was all too happy to oblige. It was then that Sasuke turned away, unwilling to let himself be caught taking an interest in this child before him. The boy made his was up the stairs and planted himself firmly in the seat beside Sasuke’s. He could feel the boys gaze on the side of his face, but he didn’t turn around to make conversation as he knew the boy was hoping. He could not let himself be distracted. He had decided that this boy who naively wanted to be the hokage was not worth his time.
Once it became clear that Sasuke was not going to acknowledge his presence, the boy turned away, facing the front. Sasuke did not miss the way Naruto seemed to shrink in on himself a little, bowing his head.
The next day when the boy entered the classroom, Sasuke noted that he sat himself on the opposite side of the room, far away from him and knew that his message had been received. This was for the best. That did not seem to explain why something deep inside Sasuke ached like he had made the wrong decision.
***
There had been many more encounters during their time at the Academy, between Sasuke and the boy. Be it during a spar, on their way to school or when Sasuke sent a scathing glance towards the blonde when he was being too boisterous. Sasuke always knew that he was there, but he never allowed himself to acknowledge his importance. His worth. To Sasuke Naruto did not have any. He was a blemish on his path towards revenge. An over zealous trouble maker who was destined to fail. The dead last. Sasuke could not let himself be distracted by his presence and his pathetic need for acknowledgement from the people around him. What was there in being noticed by people who meant absolutely nothing? Sasuke did not understand Naruto. He did not wish to do so. And Naruto did not understand him. He did not understand the pain he went through everyday. Or the loneliness. How could he? He was always so cheerful. So full of life, where Sasuke was full of hate. Or so Sasuke told himself, but his mind did not fail to force forward an image of a small child crying in the rain. Or of the frightened one being chased in the dead of night.
Despite his worthlessness, Sasuke found himself continuously being forced to acknowledge the blonde’s existence.
The first time had been when they had been thrown together into a team; team seven. Sasuke did not see the point of being put into three man cells. All teammates would do is slow him down. Make him weaker. More vulnerable. And if that hadn’t been bad enough, he had been unfortunate enough to be partnered with the dead last himself, and the simpering waste of space that was Saruka. As bad as Naruto was, at least he attempted to improve himself to become a powerful ninja, unlike Sakura who from Sasuke’s point of view did not understand what it took to be a ninja. Did not have what it took to become a kunoichi.
To say that Sasuke was pissed would be an understatement.
But then the blonde had surprised him. During their bell test with their jounin sensei, Naruto had displayed immeasurable courage and guts. Although this alone had not been enough to defeat the man called Kakashi Hatake, nor had his skills come close to getting him a bell, it had been enough for Sasuke to understand that maybe Naruto wouldn’t be as much of a hindrance as he had initially thought. Sakura though had disappointed his already sublevel expectations.
The next time the blonde had done something to surprise Sasuke had been during their first official mission. They were escorting the bridge builder Tazuna, and had encountered Zabuza of the bloody mist. Not only had Naruto held his own in their first clash, but he had devised a well thought out plan to help free their sensei from his watery prison. Although it was rough and nowhere near perfect, Sasuke saw potential. He snuffed out any feelings he may have about this potential before they could take shape. He did not need Naruto or anyone else for that matter.
Until he did.
He was being crushed by the boy Haku and could do nothing about it. He was insignificant. His power meant nothing. If he could not beat someone this weak, then how did he expect himself to kill his brother and get vengeance for his clan? Despite how hard he fought he was getting nowhere. He was drowning in an endless sea of despair and nothingness. But then in barrelled Naruto. A whirlwind of blonde hair and orange jumpsuit. He illuminated his darkness like the sun on a cloudy day. He was all hope and incomprehensible strength. And when Sasuke found himself taking multiple senbon for Naruto, he could not find it in himself to care. In that moment he knew it was the right things to do.
In his paralysed stated he watched as Naruto drew upon a power he had never seen before. One he did not have any right to have and beat an opponent he himself had been unable to conquer. It was then that he knew that Naruto was more than he appeared. In that moment before the world went entirely dark, he allowed himself to acknowledge that Naruto may be worth more than he had initially given him credit for. He never uttered this out loud of course.
***
In the time they had spent together as team seven Sasuke found himself being forced to acknowledge Naruto time and time again. The blonde was always there catching his eye. Making him take note of everything he did. Every achievement, every failure. He encompassed his mind, spouting words of friendship and precious people. Sasuke knew he had to get away. Before this unassuming blonde tore down all his hard earned walls. Ripped through the layers and layers of protective barriers he shrouded his heart in and saw what Sasuke really was. Before he gave himself over to the life this blonde made seem so appealing. A life of friendship and warmth. Of joy and shared accomplishments. But most importantly, a life without choking loneliness and unbearable pain. Sasuke still had a mission in life, one he could not easily throw away. And so he had to go.
Orochimaru’s presence made escape that much more attainable. The promise of power was heady, all consuming, and Sasuke could do nothing but give in. Even if it came with a price. If Sasuke wanted to one day defeat Itachi then he had to become stronger and Orochimaru equated strength. Even if he wanted to stay, he couldn’t. His growing attachments were making him weak. Blinding him to his one true goal in life. If he wanted to avenge his clan —and he did—he had to be willing to make sacrifices. Naruto being one of them, and happiness the other.
Sasuke had been set on leaving. He had made up his mind, faced down Sakura’s pleading look and made it out of the village. But then Naruto had appeared and weakened his resolve. Crushed his heart with false dreams and a life that could not be his. The cards fate had dealt him had not included friends or a family. He had always known this. The path he was walking was one he had to venture alone. There was no place for Naruto where he was headed and that was just the way it was.
They had clashed. In the Valley of the end, a fitting name, the moon and the sun had clashed. It had both excited Sasuke and saddened him. To be able to go all out with Naruto, pull out strength he didn’t even know he had made his head spin with euphoria and adrenaline. His heart pounded in his chest, and he feared it would burst through its cage within his ribs. But then it was over and he had won. Like he knew he would. Feared he would. For some reason this saddened him.
He could not bring himself to kill the boy laying on the ground, that claimed to be his best friend. He could not do as Itachi had instructed. Not to Naruto. And so he had left his hitai-ate with the blonde. It was more for his own sake than for Naruto’s, as he knew that if he kept it, it would be a constant reminder of what he had left behind. And he knew that he would be tempted to return before he had completed what he needed to do.
As the rain started pouring, he was reminded of the first time they had met, only this time it was he who was crying in the rain.
***
Naruto’s persistence annoyed him as much as it made his blackened heart ache. Every time he encountered him, and found that he was still searching for him, still regarded him as his best friend made a piece of the withered heart he had long given up on, beat. Shed a light where he was convinced there had never been one to begin with. Despite the fact that he had spit on their bond, sought to destroy it entirely, Naruto’s faith in him still persisted. It made the road he was walking that much more bearable. He never shared this of course. Tucked it away deep inside him and rarely ever thought of it. Only pulling it out when the nights became too long and the shadows too deep. When he felt himself slipping too deeply into the darkness of this world, Naruto’s faith in him shone a light, helping him find his way back to the surface.
This feeling that the blonde was able to bring forth from within him had no name yet. Sasuke had no experience with feelings in general, but he knew that they made you weaker, more vulnerable, and so he squashed this thing that bloomed within his chest whenever he set eyes on short blonde hair and azure blue eyes. Right now he did not need it.
Team Hebi was a good distraction for Sasuke. Once he had defeated Orochimaru, he needed people he could count on to help him gain even more strength and accomplish his goal. He would not say that they were friends. That was a word too intimate for what they were. If he had to give what they had a name he would say that they were accomplices. Companions. But never friends. For a while he was content with what they had.
Until he wasn’t.
Everything was happening too quickly, and the next thing he knew, he was facing Itachi. Facing off against Itachi, and watching the life drain from the eyes of the only family he had left. As the two bloodied fingers found their way to their rightful place upon his forehead, Sasuke’s entire world crumpled. He was falling and nothing could stop his descent. His brother was dying, and it was everything he had ever wanted. Everything he had hoped for, worked the majority of his life to achieve, but then why did it leave him so empty? Turn his heart to lead in his chest and fill him with dread. As Itachi fell to the floor, Sasuke’s life drained of meaning and he lay himself besides his older brother, who he had once looked up to.
***
Joining the Akatsuki was a terrible idea, but Sasuke didn't know what else to do. Itachi was dead and his life was devoid of meaning. He had no place left to go. He couldn't return to konoha. Couldn't just fall back into Naruto’s waiting arms and act like he hadn't tried to kill him on multiple occasions. Besides, now that he knew the truth about the massacre and his brother’s fate he knew one thing for certain.
Konoha must fall.
This was his new purpose in life. Destroying the village that had systematically destroyed his whole family. Ruined his entire clan. He would avenge his brother’s name and the pain he had been forced to endure for the sake of that village, for avenging was the thing he knew best. It was the only stable thing in his life, after all that he had thought to be true had been yanked out from under him.
Thoughts of Naruto flashed to mind whenever he contemplated destroying the village, but he shoved them aside. Any hope for them had long since died, and he could not align himself with someone as devoted to that wretched village as he was. The feelings he had, had long since been extinguished. There was no room left within him for something as trivial as friendship.
***
The war was something Sasuke had initially vowed not to get involved in, but then he had seen Itachi—he was still reeling from the encounter and how that was even possible— and he was propelled into getting involved. Found himself amongst the hokages. All the hokages and the next thing he knew, he was headed for the battle field to assist a village he had given up on and not too long ago sworn to destroy.
He spotted him immediately. How could he not have? Those brilliant blonde locks and sea blue eyes had been engraved within his mind for as long as he could remember. He could feel the feelings he thought he had destroyed bursting to the surface, fighting to be release, but he pushed them back down. Now was not the time nor place. For some reason he found himself saying the most unlikely of things. That he would be the hokage. He didn't know what had compelled him to say it. Maybe it was to somehow gain the trust of the group of people he had once called his friends, or maybe it was to get a rise out of Naruto like he knew it would. He did not disappoint. One minute he was still and calme, and the next he was exploding, like the whirlwind he was, into motion and quickly spoken words. Sasuke just watched. Basked in the warmth Naruto radiated and knew he had missed this. Had missed them.
As they fought side by side, Sasuke had never felt closer to someone in his life. Their teamwork was unbeatable. After all these years they were still able to slip right back into their role as partners. Teammates. Knowing exactly where the other one would be even before they knew themselves. The easy give and take. The dance they engaged in as if it was just the two of them. And for Sasuke it was. It had always been. Just him and Naruto. The entire world fell away. Their past melted into the distance. It was just him and the little boy he had seen crying in the rain. Only this time that child had grown up. Had become such a beautiful person, inside and out, and Sasuke wished he had been there to see all of it. Wished that he had acknowledged him sooner, hadn't left his side. Hadn't broken his heart.
As Sasuke lay there in the dirt, one arm missing and the other entwined with Naruto’s own matching solitary arm, he knew that he would have time to make up for what he had missed. Have time to make it up to this boy who had believed in him when everyone else had given up. When even he had given up on himself. And as Naruto bestowed upon him the most dazzling smile he could muster in his beat up state, one only he would ever have the privilege of witnessing, Sasuke could finally put a name to the feeling he had been suppressing for all these years. A feeling that came raging forth, no longer subdued by his sheer willpower.
Love.