Chapter Text
Friday, 10:05pm
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Bee asked.
“No.” Andrew answered. He sat in his usual place on the couch in Bee’s office. Though unlike usual, it was not Wednesday, but Friday around 10pm. And while Andrew would normally be nursing a cup of hot chocolate, tonight he was nursing a black eye.
“You know, usually I would say that we can talk about it whenever you’re ready.” Bee said. “But there are too many people involved in this. The Terrapin’s coach is pissed. He wants you benched for the rest of the season.”
“What a tragedy that would be.” Andrew said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Bee ignored his quip. “I will talk to them for you, and do what I can, but I can’t do that unless I understand what happened. Unless I can give them some reason to believe it won’t happen again.”
“Oh Bee. You know I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” It tasted like a lie on Andrew’s tongue. It was a bitter, metallic taste, like a bloody fistfight. Strange. Andrew never lied. If there was ever a question he didn’t want to answer he just said nothing. He didn’t owe anyone an explanation.
Bee just fixed him with a curious look, and then Waited.
“What?” Andrew said. His tone was surly.
“Andrew. Talk to me.”
“It was a fight.” He replied unhelpfully. “You were at the game. You saw it. The Terrapin backliner pissed me off.”
Specifically, the Terrapin backliner had pissed him off by body checking Neil. The speed of the collision had sent him flying backwards into the wall of the court with an ugly snap. It had been a foul hit, gratuitous violence in an already dirty game. Usually that wouldn’t have bothered him. Later, it became clear that Neil was fine, no more beat up than he usually was after a game. He cared less about getting hit than he did that the Foxes pulled off a win, despite the brawl getting Andrew benched for the rest of the game. But in the moment Andrew had been unable to think of anything other than the sound Neil’s body made as he slammed into the wall- the sick crunch of plastic armor on plexiglass. Actually, Andrew didn’t remember much of anything after that. Brief flashes of the Terrapin’s face against his fist. But even that was spotty. Curious. Usually, he remembered everything.
“You’re right, I did see it. I saw that you were pissed off from the second you stepped onto the court tonight. Neil has taken worse hits than that.” Bee said. Her tone was still measured, but Andrew knew from experience that she was the most careful with her words when she was calling him out on his bullshit. “You were looking for a fight.”
He fought the urge to fidget in his seat. He settled for picking at the dead skin on his split knuckle, pulling and twisting at the frayed edge.
“So I’m asking again. What happened?”
Andrew sighed. He knew this was one of those times where he needed Bee to be his ally more than he needed to keep his secrets.
He leaned back on the couch, removing an ice pack from his temple and leaving it to melt on the cushion next to him. Heat throbbed where lukewarm air met his numb skin. Swallowing every instinct against it, Andrew began to speak.
“Neil wanted to make a deal.”
———
Thursday 6:17pm
Andrew watched the smoke curl in the wind, the red cherry of his cigarette blazing as bright as the sunset. Though classes had started earlier this week, it felt strangely like the last night of summer. The Foxes’ first game of the fall season was tomorrow night, and Andrew wanted to think about anything else.
Neil was wired. Andrew could tell by the taught set of his muscles- a bow drawn, ready to fire. His blue eyes sparked with nerves and excitement. It was a look that promised the kind of violence that ended in glory. People went to war for looks like that from men like the one sitting next to him on the edge of the dorm roof.
He passed his cigarette wordlessly to Neil. There had only been one left in the pack, so they were sharing. Not that Neil would smoke it. No, even his bad habits were self denying- secondhand comfort from someone else’s vice. It made Andrew quietly furious to think about.
Enough of that. They’d both had enough self-denial to last a lifetime. Andrew took his cigarette back, inhaled one last long drag, and then stubbed it out, flicking the butt off the roof. For a moment, both he and Neil watched it fall. Then Andrew turned his gaze to the boy next to him, waiting for blue eyes to meet his.
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked.
The cold fire in Neil’s eyes blazed. “God, yes.”
At first, it was good. So good, like it always was with Neil. They came together like they'd been resisting gravity the whole time there had been space between them. It’s easier, Andrew thought. Everything was easier when Neil was kissing him. Easy like falling.
They moved from the ledge of the roof to less precarious ground. Andrew pressed Neil to the warm concrete, one hand on Neil’s chest and the other bracing his own weight to the heat and grit of the building beneath them. His mouth chased his desire around the curve of Neil’s jaw, down the side of his neck. Then Neil’s hands gripped Andrew’s hair, drawing his lips back to their original mark.
The kiss was long, and deep, and Andrew got lost in it. That's what it felt like. Lost. One minute he was there, with Neil, wholly present on the roof that they’d claimed as their own- an island of desire in a sea of demand. And then he was somewhere else. His body was a stranger. The humid sweat dripping down his neck, the shirt clinging to his chest, the gentle pull of Neil’s teeth on his lips, all of it felt distant. Incomprehensible static on a gray screen. He watched himself from above.
Neil pulled away. He tilted his head back and brought one hand up to smooth the hair out of Andrew’s eyes so he could have an unobstructed view. What he saw made his own eyes widen with fear, ice melting into molten worry.
“Andrew.” Neil said.
Neil’s voice was a dull roar in his head. Andrew wanted to say something back. It’s fine, why’d you stop, keep going, keep going. But he was frozen. He blinked a few times, Neil’s face flickering between a pitch black nothing, but still he remained as he was.
“Hey.” Neil sat up, bringing Andrew with him. “Something’s wrong.”
Andrew was finally able to look away from him. He used what little control he had to school his expression into one of cool indifference. Neil stayed by his side, studying Andrew as he breathed slow and deep like Bee had taught him, and came back to himself little by little.
“What.” Andrew said, after a while. He was bothered by Neil’s discerning eyes on him.
“Something was off. It was like you weren’t there.” Neil waved his hand in front of his own eyes, trying to demonstrate what he meant. “If I did something and it made you-”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Well, something must have happened.” Neil insisted. He studied the ground, eyebrows knitting together. “As soon as I realized, I… I’m sorry.”
Andrew glared at him. “Don’t apologize. It’s nothing.”
It’s not like this hadn’t happened before. But back in the spring it had been easier to pull away. To storm off without further explanation. It hadn't happened in a while. Like the nightmares, this - whatever this was- had come back with a vengeance.
“It’s obviously not nothing.” Neil said. “I know I’m the last person to tell anyone that they should talk about what’s going on with them, but I need you to talk to me.”
Andrew remained silent.
“You’re not sleeping,” Neil continued. “The dreams wake you, and then you’re up the rest of the night, playing video games or going… wherever the fuck you go. You look like hell. Everyone’s noticed. Renee asked me what was going on with you last week, and I had to tell her I had no fucking clue.”
“What do you want me to say?” Andrew asked, steel in his voice. It’s not like he had any fucking clue what was going on either.
“I want you to let me help you.” Neil groaned. He was growing impatient.
“We tried that. You got kicked in the groin and socked in the face.” Neil’s further attempts at waking Andrew up from his nightmares had been disastrous, despite Bee’s best advice. It was a moot point now, anyway. Andrew had started waking up on his own, terrified after only an hour or two of sleep, with little recollection of his dreams except for sheer terror. He couldn’t tell if the insomnia was involuntary or just common fucking sense given what waited for him when he slept.
“Occupational hazard. I don’t need you to protect me anymore.” Neil said. For some reason, the words felt like a knife in Andew’s gut.
“You can't fix this for me.” Andrew spat. At some point he had moved away from Neil, standing up and turning his back.
“Let me try.” Neil moved to the space beside Andrew, close to the ledge of the roof again. Right back where they started. “Make a deal with me.”
“What?” Andrew whipped around to face him.
“Let me take this on.” Neil said steadily. ““I’ll help you get your head on straight. I don’t know how, but I’ll figure it out. All you have to do is talk to me.”
Andrew wanted to laugh, the kind of bitter laughter he usually reserved only for himself, when he was well and truly fucked.
“And what’s in it for you?” He sneered. “What do you get out of this deal?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think of something. Or you can, whatever. Just give me a chance to-”
“No.”
“Andrew.”
He started for the door back inside, ignoring Neil. “I’m going to buy more cigarettes. You can stay up here with your savior complex as long as you want.”
Neil said nothing else that he could hear as Andrew let the door slam shut behind him.
———
Friday, 10:35pm
“Why did you turn Neil down?” Bee asked, when Andrew had finished explaining the broad strokes of his encounter with Neil the previous night. He left out the part about the kissing.
“I didn’t want what he was offering.”
Bee looked at him like she didn’t quite buy it. “You agreed to a deal with him once before. You said you’d protect him last year, yes?
Unfortunately, Bee had learned the particulars of Andrew’s promise to Neil in Columbia last year, after everything went to hell and he’d talked to her, miles from making any sense, about absolutely anything except what had happened.
“Load of good that did.” Andrew grunted.
“It’s still hard for you.” Bee said. “Knowing how close a thing it was in Baltimore.”
A close thing. Bullshit. That implied a near miss, a lucky dodge, a saving grace. Not burns on Neil’s face. Cuts on his arms, his hands, his fingers. The serrated edge of everything he had been hiding from Andrew carved into his skin.
“That deal was… it was stupid.” Andrew said quietly.
“Why?”
Because he lied. Neil had lied to Andrew, every half truth hiding the threat that would come to take him. Neil had let him out of their deal before the wolves closed in, protecting Andrew from the truth like he was a sheltered child. And even if he didn’t didn’t lie, who was Andrew, really, to think that he could protect anyone? To protect his brother, or Kevin, or Neil? It was so childish, promising he could defend them from threats well out of his league. A boy in knights armor. Playing at- what had he even been playing at? Andrew was nobody’s hero.
All he had ever been good for was violence. It was all he’d ever had to offer, and so he offered it to anyone that thought he might be worth a damn. He didn’t know how to be a person, so he made himself a weapon. And one by one, they had lost the will or the need to use him. Now he was good for nothing at all.
“It doesn’t matter now.” Andrew said. He realized he’d worked the dead skin off his split knuckle, exposing new flesh, pink and raw. “It never really mattered. He doesn’t need me anymore.”
Bee was quiet for a minute before she spoke. When she did, her voice was gentle. “Andrew, Neil may not need you to protect him anymore. But he still needs you. It’s okay if you need him too.”
How would she know? She was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear.
Then again, it was Bee's job to know what people needed.
“Alright. It’s late. I’m tired.” Bee said, setting down the empty mug of coffee she’d brewed earlier. “You’ve got a hell of a shiner coming in that Abby still needs to look at. You’re free to go, kid.”
Andrew looked at her with vague surprise.
“For now.” She added. “I expect you back here on Wednesday. We still have a lot to talk about.”
“What are you going to tell them?” Andrew asked.
“That you are the picture of remorse.” Bee said, affecting melodrama. “You regret your actions and wish to repent. You’re just a troubled youth, and exy is your one chance at a good life! With a little more time and guidance, you’ll surely be a model member of society.”
“Ha, ha.” Andrew said flatly.
“No, I’ll tell them the truth.” Bee said. “That you’re trying.” Andrew ignored whatever feeling arose within him at her words. “Next time you get in a fight, do it for a better reason.”
Finally, a promise he could keep. “Aye aye, cap’n.” He gave Bee his two finger salute, took his ice pack and all his baggage, and left her office.
———-
Friday, 11:23pm
Andrew let Abby fuss over his various injuries for about 30 minutes before escaping her gentle scolding. At the same time, Bee was pleading his case to Wymack and the Terrapins. Andrew wasn't too worried about the outcome, though whether that was evidence of his faith in Bee’s persuasive abilities or his own apathy, he didn’t know.
When he left Abby’s office, Neil was waiting for him in the hallway.
He was leaning his weight on the wall, already showered and changed out of his gear. When he saw Andrew, Neil listed forward like he might take a step toward him, but thought better of it. Instead he just stood straighter, pulling on the straps of his hoodie.
Andrew tried to ignore the feeling in his gut at the sight of him. It’s okay if you need him too. Need. Is that what this feeling was? Andrew didn’t think he would survive it.
Neil touched his temple in the same place where a bruise was slowly coloring Andrew’s face. “I thought you were supposed to be good at fighting."
Andrew just stared back at him, reading the concern behind the humor in Neil’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, but began walking towards Neil, checking his shoulder with his own as he walked by. Neil took it as an invitation to follow.
He was silent as he drove them both back to the dorm. Neil didn’t try to make conversation, just stole quick glances at him when he thought Andrew was watching the road. When they arrived, Andrew walked straight to the stairwell that led to the roof, Neil in lock step with him.
Andrew realized with a pang of regret that he didn’t have any cigarettes. He’d run out last night and hadn’t replaced them like he said he would. He sat on the edge of the roof, staring out at the night, trying and failing to not crave the things that would kill him slowly.
A flame came to life beside him, and he turned to see Neil lighting a cigarette. Without looking at him, Neil took a freshly opened pack out of his pocket and tossed it to Andrew. He caught it in his left palm.
Andrew half seriously considered just pitching himself off the ledge right then. Honestly, it would be quicker than whatever had been eating him alive since he’d smashed a racquet in Neil’s gut last May.
He settled for lighting his own cigarette and taking a long drag. Neil turned toward him, the lights of campus illuminating the question in his eyes.
Andrew knew he was expecting an explanation. For the fight, for Andrew’s retreat the night before, and for the way he’d been unraveling over the last few weeks. But Andrew was contrary, by nature and choice, and he had a question of his own.
“Why did you stay?” He said into the silence. Neil’s eyes widened. “Last year. You knew I couldn’t protect you from your father. Or the Moriyamas.”
Neil turned his gaze away, staring out into the dark, memories flickering like firelight across his face.
“It wasn’t really about that.” He said, after a while. “I knew going in that I wasn’t going to survive the year. I don’t think I ever really believed you would change that. Making the deal with you, it didn’t make me feel safe. It just made me feel like… like I wasn’t in it alone.”
Neil may not need you to protect him anymore, but he still needs you.
“Just knowing that someone else could look at me, and understand how fucked I was, how stupid I was for even trying, and not turn away…” Neil turned back to him, a half smile on his face. “That was enough.”
Andrew was quiet for a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice was softer than it had ever been before.
“It’s enough for me, too.”
He wasn’t sure if Neil would understand what he meant. Andrew wasn’t good at this. At explaining how he felt. It still felt like giving away the instructions for how to destroy him.
But it was something, something Andrew could offer him other than violence. It was possible that Neil had never wanted him for that after all. That he looked at Andrew and saw something more than a weapon.
“Okay.” Neil said after a while. their eyes met, and deep within his core, Andrew knew that Neil understood him perfectly. Not just how he’d been broken before- the apathy and hopelessness and ruthless vigilance. But also what was taking him apart now. Andrew didn’t know if it was need or hope, or if at the end of the day the two were the same thing.
“Come on. Let’s go to bed.” Neil suggested. He stood and offered Andrew his hand. Andrew took it, felt Neil’s fierce grip and rose. Neil pulled him close, his face a breath away.
“Yes or no?” He whispered. His eyes were heavy with desire and relief and something else. Andrew brought his lips to Neil’s, everything he couldn’t say articulated with his kiss. He breathed one word into Neil’s mouth.
“Yes.”