Chapter Text
Their bond is eerily silent.
Anakin clenches his sweaty hands into fists and tries not to panic. It's been weeks since he's seen his former Master, his gentle smile, his light hair, his eyes around which first wrinkles are starting to form in a familiar way.
He is afraid.
From the exhaustive search in the Force his heart aches with almost physical pain and his body is tired. But he must, must, must find him.
Right now he can't feel sorry for the bloody queen who died before she could answer his question.
Where is Obi-Wan?
Anakin closes his eyes and feels like he is in his worst childhood nightmares, where he tried in vain to find Obi-Wan in the terrible darkness, but he was always alone.
---
He had longed for the moment when he could finally hold Obi-Wan in his arms, but now that it is happening, he feels nothing but despair.
His former Master's body is almost unrecognizable under the layers of blood, dirt, bruises and wounds. Anakin can count every bone in his body. His hair and beard are roughly cut, as if someone had used a knife. His face is gray, his lips almost black.
The wrinkles on his face are no longer rare and not from smiling.
Almost completely naked, wrapped in a piece of cloth, mercilessly dirty, he lies on the ground.
Cold and terribly still.
A frightened cry comes from Anakin's lips.
He can't remember when he started to move, but there he is, running and falling to his knees on the hard, stony ground.
He lifts Obi-Wan's head as carefully as if he were a porcelain doll, terribly fragile, and searches his face for any sign that the man is still alive.
He utters a prayer of gratitude to the Force and cries out in pure joy when he feels a soft breath, so subtle and easy to miss, but a breath nonetheless.
Weaker with each passing second.
"Master!" He cries, forgetting that the man he is cuddling to his chest is no longer his Master. Now he feels like a helpless Padawan. "Look at me, wake up!"
Silence, silence, silence, and in the silence is despair.
He hears movement behind his back. The clones stand respectfully five paces behind him, unsure of what to do. He doesn't know either, oh, the Force, he doesn't know!
"Master! Don't leave me! You can't, you can't, you can't!"
He has never cried so much in his life.
He wandered around with an unconscious look at the wall, his head full of terrible thoughts.
And then, as if the world were conspiring against him to crush his heart with one final blow, Anakin's eyes fall on the inscription carved into the stone.
Anakin.
His cry is that of a wounded animal, fully aware of the dire situation it is in.
He leans over the Master, so low that his hair falls over the man's battered face, sobbing desperately.
Obi-Wan's eyes are open but empty, seeming to look through him as if he were made of glass.
"Anakin, I am Anakin! Remember me, your Anakin?"
The clones look away.
And Anakin unexpectedly spits out a flood of words in Stewjoni, the language Obi-Wan taught him during their missions together and which has become their own secret way of communicating.
He talks about everything, about their past together, good and peaceful (most of the time), but also about things he wouldn't normally tell the Master.
Now nothing is normal and Anakin cries, screams, clutches his hair with trembling fingers, speaks in broken words of his darkness, his fear, his longings.
Suddenly the words are too much and Anakin chokes, falls silent. Then, half-crazed, wracked by emotions he could not even put into words, he falls on the Master and kisses his face and hands, as if he wanted to warm the ice-cold skin with kisses.
Strong arms pull him away from Obi-Wan, who is still pale and motionless, for of course this is not a fairy tale where tenderness could bring life to an almost dead body, but a cruel reality.
Blurred figures kneel at his Master's side, blocking his view, Obi-Wan, oh, Obi-Wan! He faintly takes in Kix's presence, his grave voice, but does not recognize the words.
Anakin falls to the ground, his heart aching. Someone grabs him and lifts him to a half-standing position.
"We have to go, General," the soft voice is full of sympathy, which only intensifies the pain.
Why go? Anakin might as well stay here and wait to die. If Obi-Wan dies, what hope is left for him?
---
Obi-Wan does not die.
What follows instead are long and anxious weeks in the hospital room. Anakin sleeps very little and eats even less. He cares for nothing but Obi-Wan.
Eventually, the Jedi Knight passes out from exhaustion and reluctantly takes some time to look after himself, then immediately returns to the monotonous, painful vigil at Obi-Wan's bedside.
At first, it seems he will never recover. Anakin occasionally raises a cold hand to his mouth and silently floods it with tears.
Then, very slowly, Obi-Wan begins to come to. To the ordinary eye, this is an imperceptible change, but Anakin has been waiting for weeks for the stirring in the Force that would be at least a residual return of their bond, and he is more sensitive to it than ever.
The first time he feels this spiritual stirring, he runs out into the corridor and engages Ahsoka, whom he meets, in a joyful dance.
The first word out of Obi-Wan's mouth is 'Master'. Anakin desperately hopes that the Jedi is calling Qui-Gon and not using the word in its second, less pleasant meaning. However, he quickly concludes that no matter what was meant, it is still cause for celebration.
When Anakin hears his name in the Force, he breaks down and cries with joy, gently embracing his friend as he sees six letters carved into the rock and Obi-Wan's heart before his eyes.
The Jedi still doesn't move, but now the medics smile and the clones talk to Anakin normally without tiptoeing around him.
He continues to spend long hours at his friend's side, blatantly ignoring all calls from the Council, because didn't they just happen to send them on this mission? He has no time for the Council's lies.
Instead, he talks to Obi-Wan in Stewjoni, or rather, he continues his monologue, but he doesn't mind it so much now. He dares to hope; it is enough.
---
Anakin will never forget the moment of Obi-Wan's awakening.
The immense happiness he felt when he was informed (unfortunately, he could no longer spend all his time with Obi-Wan, much to his irritation). And a cruel collision with the brutal reality immediately afterwards.
As Anakin enters the MedBay, carried on the wings of happiness, his eyes catch sight of Obi-Wan's empty eyes. Almost as empty and staring through him as they were that terrible day on Kadavo. Then he knows something is wrong. His heart quivers in his chest while the Force sings sadly.
Obi-Wan speaks, which is a great miracle, but the content of his words....
"Who... are y-you?"
---
The next week is perhaps even sadder than the previous one.
Anakin patiently explains definitions to Obi-Wan, even the seemingly simplest and most basic ones. ("Who are the Jedi?" his friend innocently asks one day).
Obi-Wan is full of pain and Anakin feels it for the first time, without the barriers and walls that protect the Master, that is, until he manages to repair his shields, and yes, Anakin should be happy because Obi-Wan has a chance to be a Jedi again, but...
Why does everything about his healing have to be so bittersweet?
Obi-Wan doesn't want to talk. He doesn't trust Anakin. He doesn't know him.
One night, Anakin cries at his former Master's bedside. He thinks he is doing it quietly and cannot wake Obi-Wan, but then he feels a hand (cold, still, not moving!) rubbing comforting circles on his back with sad hesitation.
"Oh, Obi, why must we be strangers to each other?"
"I d-don't know," the man's voice is much softer than it used to be and so uncertain. "I... you know, A-anakin, I'm like a s-stranger to myself."
This confession sends a shiver down Anakin's spine, but hey, it's a fuller and more heartfelt statement than anything Obi-Wan has ever uttered before; an ironic part of Anakin's nature, deeply rooted in him, tells him that in this case he might need to cry at Obi-Wan's bedside more often.
"I can get you to know yourself," he offers enthusiastically, but also gently; he has already learned that too fast gestures or loud words disturb Obi-Wan. He almost grasps the slender hand of the former Master, but stops himself. No quick movements.
"Let me tell you something about you," he says.
"Isn't... Isn't that e-egocentric?"
Anakin laughs, although he really wants to cry. Could it be that Obi-Wan's irony and humor are returning?
"No, my dear," he says, remembering the hundreds of times Obi-Wan has called him that. "For it is I who will speak of you, not you."
He begins his stories. They may not be stories so much as glimpses, messy but good - like them.
---
"You are fond of Caf. You are in love with Satine Kryze, Duchess of Mandalore, though you would never admit it. You prefer night to day. You don't like to fly, especially with me as your pilot. You love poetry and music. You hate waking up in the morning. You have your favorite mug - the one I gave you for your 33rd birthday with the inscription "Best Old Master in the World". You hate lettuce and a lentil..."
He also tells longer stories from their time together. About how Anakin was trying to fix a droid and the whole thing exploded and Obi-Wan, who was in a meeting, ran out in horror, almost certain to find his Padawan dead, then found him sitting in a tree, safe but horribly dirty.
About how Obi-Wan was so sleepy that he mistook salt for sugar and made a whole jar of salted Caf, which he and Anakin later forced on everyone they could, including Master Yoda, because "it's a shame to waste good Caf" as Obi-Wan said at the time.
About how Duchess Satine visited them once, and the young Jedi Knight, who definitely sensed what was going on between Obi-Wan and Satine, caught them kissing and took a picture of it to use as blackmail.
About how they danced in the rain on the rooftops of Coruscant on Anakin's 18th birthday....
Obi-Wan seems happy, or at least content. He asks for more stories, and for the next few nights, streams of words flow from Anakin's mouth until they both fall asleep.
---
During the third night, Obi-Wan shyly asks him if anything bad but important has happened in his life that he should know about (besides Kadavo, Anakin adds in his heart). The young knight reluctantly tells him what he knows about Melida/Daan and the death of Qui-Gon.
In the second story, Obi-Wan is silent for a long time. His face is pale, but his eyes shine.
When Anakin reaches the end, Obi-Wan interrupts him with a broken voice:
"I r-remember."
He smiles sadly at the sight of Anakin's wide-open eyes and whispers:
"I took Qui-Gon's sword and c-cut Darth Maul in half. The dying Qui-Gon asked me to train you, and I... I agreed, and so... you became my P-padawan."
Anakin is too stunned to speak. He feels tears under his eyes. Bittersweet healing, again.
"I don't think any more stories are necessary," he finally laughs despite his moist eyes.
"No, go... go on, I don't remember everything. But enough... enough about me. Tell me s-something about yourself..." he is silent for a moment, then adds very quietly:
"A-ani"
---
Obi-Wan can't stand.
"Will he ever be able to walk?" He asks the medics, but without much hope, since the world hasn't been very kind to them lately, why should that change now?
"Maybe," Kix shrugs his shoulders, but somehow without conviction. "His legs, especially the right one, are in very bad shape. Besides, even if they heal properly..." The clone hesitates, finally speaking slowly:
"Have you seen him having seizures of uncontrollable trembling in his limbs?"
"Of course I've seen it! I've sat by him the most of all of us and.... it's hard to miss"
"It certainly doesn't make it any easier for him to walk."
Anakin stares at the floor.
"I just want him to be happy again."
Kix's voice softens. "I know, General. And you're already doing a great job"
---
Aside from the trembling of his legs and arms, the stuttering, the reflex to hide at the stronger gestures of the person speaking to him, and an overwhelming number of other signs, there is the Silence.
Obi-Wan simply shuts himself off from the world, falls into silence. Sometimes it's just a lack of verbal response, and sometimes it's an added eerie silence as Obi-Wan stares off into space, mindlessly, with eyes that seem both empty and sad.
The first time this happens, Anakin panics. Kix discreetly pulls him aside and explains that the Silence is normal after what his former Master has been through.
"What should I do if it happens again?"
"I think your mere presence will be a comfort to him, sir. But, I beg you, you must be careful not to overpower him, to remain gentle. And under no circumstances force him to speak! Don't even try to encourage him, for he may feel cornered and take your kind encouragement as a threat. This should pass after not too long."
Anakin follows these instructions with great care the next time Obi-Wan falls into Silence.
It's hard at times when he can't communicate with Obi-Wan, but any hint of frustration he feels is washed away by a wave of Anakin's tenderness and concern.
When his former Master speaks again, he thanks him, obviously tired but full of gratitude.
Anakin does not need to be thanked. The gleam of happiness in Obi-Wan's eyes is his sweetest reward.
---
"How do you feel?"
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes. A good sign.
"Fine, m-my dear, y-you don't have to ask me every... every minute," he says, and Anakin blesses the same irony of his master he used to curse. It's a part of the old Obi-Wan he thought had been left on Kadavo forever. Well, miracles do happen, it seems.
They ride through the corridors of the temple to the Room of a Thousand Fountains; or rather, Obi-Wan rides, on a hoverchair, and judging by the slight blush coloring his cheeks, the man is just praying desperately to the Force that they won't meet anyone on the way.
"Oh, Master Kenobi, how nice to see you again!"
Apparently miracles do happen, but not always.
Standing in front of them is Mace Windu, who even seems to be beaming, which doesn't seem to suit him very well. The great, proud Jedi rarely smiles.
"G-good to... see you too, -"
Anakin sees the hesitation in Obi-Wan's eyes for a brief moment, but clearly. He of all people understands best why Obi-Wan looks like that.
"Good... good to see you too... M-Master," Obi-Wan says rapidly, as if to get the offensive word out of his mouth as quickly as possible. He lowers his eyes and looks stubbornly down, probably not wanting to see pity in the other Jedi's eyes.
There is a flicker of understanding in Windu's gaze.
"You don't have to address me that way if you don't want to," he says quietly. Obi-Wan's pale cheeks flush again.
"Ah... n-no, Master, I should not disregard the pro... proper titles of the p-people I speak to."
For a moment, the two Jedi look into each other's eyes. Obi-Wan quickly escapes Windu's gaze and stares at the ground again.
"I will leave you now," Master Windu sighs quietly. And then, as he walks away with the rustle of his robes, he leans over Anakin's ear and whispers:
"Take care of him, Skywalker."
Anakin answers with his usual mixture of toughness and tenderness:
"That's exactly what I was going to do."
---
There are nightmares.
Many, many nightmares.
And Obi-Wan, with his fingers tangled in his disheveled hair, breathing hard, with madness in his eyes, looking small between the crumpled sheets.
When Anakin asks him about it, he insists that he remembers nothing after waking up, and the Jedi Knight recalls Kix's warnings and doesn't push it.
---
Obi-Wan is still unable to walk when they say their hurried goodbyes at the ship's landing pad, and Ahsoka calls from the deck, "Master, it's time to go!"
The man is in the hoverchair, so Anakin has to bend down to give him a hug. Or rather, he has to bend down more than usual, but he still feels like a small child, like a ten-year-old hiding in the Master's robes.
"I'll be back soon."
It's not an expectation, it's a promise.
---
"Keep your head down, 87!"
87 does so, the blood slipping between the fingers he presses tightly to his lips.
Oh, if only Anakin were here....
Sometimes it's hard to remember and even harder to forget.
The floor of the 'fresher is better than stone, but just as cold and lonely.
---
Anakin comes back for a short time. He urges Obi-Wan to try to walk with such optimism that the older Jedi's heart trembles.
Obi-Wan's legs ache from the endless exercise, which in theory should give him hope that he is not paralyzed, that he will still be normal, but he is only discouraged.
He has never felt so old and numb.
---
Anakin does not let his former Master see his fear.
"It will be all right," he whispers, leaning over Obi-Wan, the older man's arm wrapping tightly around Anakin's neck as the Knight helps the Master to his feet.
He is aware of two things: first, his former Master is still trying only for Anakin's sake. Second, nothing is all right and probably never will be.
Against his better judgment, he hugs Obi-Wan tighter and adds:
"We'll be all right."
He catches a glimpse of Obi-Wan's weary look, which contains the question, "Where do you get your hope? In his mind he answers: "From you, as always" and begs the Force to make their broken bond strong enough for Obi-Wan to get the message.
"T-That doesn't make any... any sense, Anakin!" Groans his mentor, his friend, with pain and fatigue in his faded blue eyes, slumping back into the hoverchair like a puppet whose strings have been cut. "It... it hurts!"
"I know, but you have to try!"
"A-and what if... if I don't want to?"
"For me, for your Anakin! Oh, please, Master, do it for me!"
Obi-Wan remains silent. Life is never easy.
"I leave tomorrow. Please!"
He is so pale. His eyes tell Anakin everything, the whole terrible truth. Obi-Wan practically lives only for him. Do not continue, do not expect more, not yet.
"Good. I think it's time for a break. Come, I'll take you to bed."
Obi-Wan does not protest, which says more than any words.
---
During the long, lonely nights of solo missions, Anakin thinks of Obi-Wan. During the day, he doesn't hesitate or get distracted; his men need him, the Republic needs him. At night, however, the demons of fear finally reach him, and he tosses and turns sleeplessly in bed, unable to shake the nagging thought that there is someone who needs him more.
He looks into the Force almost obsessively, but to no avail. Obi-Wan has moved away and is cowering somewhere in a dark corner, out of Anakin's reach.
---
He looks at the wall, a blank stone wall, and can't help but think that there should be something on it.
He is alone, alone in the dark.
I am number 87.
No, I am Obi-Wan.
Something flickers on the wall.
What if he got up and take a step in that direction? Maybe from up close...
No, says a voice in the darkness. You can't, have you forgotten?
I can, he replies.
He is alone in the darkness, that is certain.
There is an inscription on the wall, that is uncertain. He would have to get up to find out.
He does it. At least he tries.
Can you see? You can't.
"Obi-Wan!"
He knows the voice.
"Anakin! Where are you?"
"Take one step and you will see me again."
Suddenly the air he breathes is not so heavy with the promise in those words.
He can't remember when he got up, but he leaves the darkness behind and falls into Anakin's arms. He whispers "I love you" into his hair countless times, for all the times he should have said it, but didn't.
"I know, Master. You never said it, you never liked to talk about your feelings, but I always knew subconsciously."
"I'm so sorry, my dear."
"You don't have to be."
"You're crying," Obi-Wan says quietly.
"It is because I'm happy."
It is still dark, but no longer cold.
---
They both wake with tears streaming down their cheeks.
It could just be a dream, but when they reach out, their fingers no longer touch the void.
---
Obi-Wan's first step is a celebration for both of them.
A brief second of pure happiness, unfiltered by fear, pain, longing, and worry, is their greatest treasure.
Then Obi-Wan takes a second step and his eyes shine brighter than the stars.
He falls a second later, and Anakin rushes to support Obi-Wan, grabbing him around the waist, but as he anxiously brushes the hair from his friend's face, he sees only light and a flash of playful amusement in Obi-Wan's gaze.
They both laugh, collapsing into the grass like two children and, oh, Anakin only dreams that this moment will never end. It is impossible, of course, but even when the uncontrollable burst of laughter ends, it remains warm, like a golden ray of sunshine in their bond.
They lie on the ground for a long time, unconcerned that anyone might see them, war heroes behaving like unruly Padawans.
Finally, Obi-Wan turns his head toward him and smiles, reaching out to intertwine his fingers with Anakin's.
"That's a good start, my dear, don't you think?"
"Very good, Master!" Anakin agrees with a chuckle.
"I think we'll be dancing on the rooftops of Coruscant in the rain after all" Obi-Wan says.
"I dream of nothing else" Anakin whispers, and he'll be damned if it's not true.
(It is only when the two return to their quarters, exhausted but happy, that Anakin realizes that Obi-Wan has not stuttered once that day)