Chapter Text
Eventually, Athena texts everyone the good news. She lets them know that Buck’s memory has returned. She also tells them that Buck needs time to process everything. She spends most of the afternoon on the phone with Bobby, then Maddie - who demands more intensive details. Buck feels for Athena, standing off to the side and observing the one-sided calls with a deep respect. He apologizes after each call, but Athena reassures him that she doesn’t mind.
“They aren’t going to push you to talk, or see them.” Athena tells him. “Maddie wouldn’t mind a text or two, though. Just to check in. She’s worried about you. They all are.”
“I can do that. I can text her.” Buck nods, then frowns because he doesn’t remember what he had done with his phone. He knows that Bobby had given it to him at one point when Evan was at the helm. Evan, who had no clue how to use a smart phone and had set the thing down and -
Athena hands him the missing device. “You left it outside that first day. I figured I’d hold onto it for you. It’s fully charged.”
“Thank you.” Buck offers her a grateful smile as he reclaims the phone. There are dozens of messages waiting for him. Not just from the 118 and Maddie, but from other friends checking in. Buck feels exhausted just thinking about going through each message and coming up with replies. He isn’t sure he’s ready. He could put it off. Most of the messages are outdated and probably don’t require much, if any, attention.
Eddie and Hen must have sent him messages while he was in the hospital and they were banned from seeing him. He skims through them and his heart both feels lighter and filled with weighted guilt. Eddie’s messages are apologetic and worried with a bit of light hearted teasing.
‘I just want to remind you that Christopher once told me that your head is too hard to truly damage, so I think it’s safe to say you’ll be fine. Eventually.’ Is followed by the winky face emoji. “Text me if you get bored.’
Fifteen minutes after that message was sent, Eddie followed up with: ‘I just realized you probably don’t remember who Christopher is. He’s the coolest kid in the world and for some reason he likes you. He’s also my eight year old son.’ Eddie followed that message up with a picture of the three of them smiling together. ‘I’m Eddie, by the way.’
The next text must have been after the hospital incident. ‘I am so sorry, Buck. I wasn’t thinking. I hope you can forgive me for barging into your room like that.’
‘Does my name really bother you? Why didn’t you tell me?’
Buck stops reading the messages after that. He hates that Eddie knows - even if Eddie doesn’t know. Buck hates that his best friend is going to find out.
Feeling drained and flighty, Buck ends up falling asleep on the couch. He wakes up from a nightmare and finds Athena sitting nearby, playing a game of solitaire. He can’t help but wonder when he’s going to outstay his welcome. Athena had told him he could stay as long as he needed, but eventually she’s going to want her house back.
“You need to quit worrying about whatever you are worrying about.” Athena tells him gently. Not even bothering to look up from her game.
“You might want to avoid reading my mind.” Buck gives a half-hearted attempt at a joke. “It’s not a fun place to hang out in.”
“I can’t read your mind.” Athena looks up at him. “But, your face is an open book when it comes to your emotions. Right now you look like you got punched in the gut, which typically means you are worrying about something.”
“Well, you’re not wrong.” Buck nods. “Okay, I’ll stop worrying.”
“Good.” Athena reaches out, squeezing his shoulder gently before moving off into the kitchen to give Buck a bit of space.
__
When Bobby gets home after his shift he wraps Buck into a tight hug. “It’s good to see you, kid.” Just for a moment, Buck tenses. Remembering the time he’d pushed Bobby about that little book of secrets. Remembering when Bobby had shoved him into a wall.
It happened so long ago, but the thought of it still steals Buck’s breath away. He’d pushed Bobby too far. Found his limit. Had they ever talked about it? Buck can’t remember.
That memory is swiftly replaced with another, Bobby running into the Emergency room at the hospital, asking for Buck. The fear on the man’s face - he’d been so worried. Even after the lawsuit, even after everything Buck had put him through - Bobby still cared.
He still cares.
“It’s good to, um, be me again.” Buck admits. “Although I have a feeling things are going to be a little awkward for a while. I, um, I’m sure, sure you have questions.”
Bobby presses his lips together and sighs. “Eddie’s outside.” He confesses.
“Oh.” Buck hadn’t expected anyone else to show up. He’d texted on and off with Maddie and tentatively convince her he was mostly fine. That he just needed time to straighten things out in his head. Buck isn’t sure if he’s ready to face anyone. He’d spent most of the day hyping himself up to talk to Bobby. “Just Eddie?” He asks after a long stretch of silence.
“Yeah.” Bobby nods. “I told him it was up to you whether or not he could stay. He’ll leave if you aren’t ready to see him. He’ll understand.”
Buck nods in consideration, worrying his lower lip as he thinks it over. Buck knows he owes his best friend an explanation. He had already planned to talk to Bobby, even if he wasn’t exactly sure what he’d end up saying. Bobby deserved something. If only to erase the worried look in his eyes.
Even if Buck would only be replacing the worry with disgust or horror.
“Yeah, of course.” Buck says, voice straining slightly around the words.
He tries to smile.
He fails.
Bobby pats Buck’s shoulder gently before he goes back to the door to wave Eddie into the house. Buck meets Athena’s eyes.
“You don’t have to make any decisions right now, Buck. You don’t have to tell them anything.” Athena reminds him carefully. “I do think you should tell them, eventually. But you should decide when.”
“I-I’ve got to tell them something. Thanks, Athena. I really appreciate you having my back.” Buck manages a small smile. It vanishes when the door opens again. Buck’s heart rate jumps. His stomach turns. His vision narrows and he feels the world spinning around him.
“Buck?” Athena asks, reaching out to him. He flinches at the movement and ends up blinking at her. “You’re okay.” She reminds him gently.
“Y-yeah. Of course.” He nods and takes a deep breath, trying to head off the panic attack before it takes a stronger hold of him. “I-I’m fine.”
“Everything okay?” Bobby asks cautiously as he rejoins them, Eddie slowly following behind. Both of them are watching Buck closely.
“Yeah.” Buck nods and glances from Bobby to Eddie. “Yeah. I’m good. Uh, unless Eddie is going to help cook, then the odds of any of us surviving the night go way down.”
“Ha, ha.” Eddie deadpans. “I see your questionable sense of humor has returned in full force.”
Buck grins, managing to make his expression somewhat authentic. Eddie steps forward and Buck readily accepts the hug from his best friend.
“Good to have you back, Buck.” Eddie says, choking a little on his words.
“Good to be back.” Buck nods into the other man’s shoulder before they both pull back.
“I’ll get started on dinner.” Bobby offers.
“I - can I help?” Buck asks cautiously. “I mean, if you don’t mind. I’ll probably be more helpful, now that I remember stuff.”
“I’d love your help.” Bobby says, eyes misty with emotions.
“I’ll help.” Eddie offers, then quickly holds up his hands when he receives three mildly worried looks. “Athena set the table.” They laugh and dutifully set about their tasks while avoiding any dangerous topics. Bobby and Eddie talk about the calls they had during their shift. It’s easy. Buck savors the momentary respite from the hard conversation he knows is looming.
In a way, Buck knows that when he tells them about Peru everything will change. But, then again, he also knows that some things will always remain the same. He knows they might look at him differently. They might treat him a little differently. But, Buck also knows that they won’t abandon him.
Athena won’t let them.
“So.” Eddie starts as they all sit at the table together, food ready to be dished out among them. “Is this a conversation better to have on a full or empty stomach?”
Buck hesitates, a bit shocked at Eddie’s bluntness. He glances at Athena.
“Perhaps we should wait to eat.” Athena answers carefully, reaching out and taking Bobby’s hand firmly in hers. “But, that’s only if Buck is ready to talk.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” Buck admits, fidgeting a bit, knee bouncing a little as he picks at the brace around his wrist. “But, you both deserve to know, I guess.”
“Hey.” Eddie says sharply. “No. You don’t have to tell us anything. You don’t owe us anything. Buck, only tell us if that’s what you want to do.”
Buck frowns and finds himself looking at Bobby.
“I agree with Eddie. You don’t have to tell us. We’re here for you, you don’t owe us a thing.”
A rush of emotion washes over Buck as he looks at his family. His heart hurts, because he loves them so much.
“I lived in Peru for a while. I got a job there. Working as a bartender at a resort. It was nice.” Buck starts, eyes focused on his brace and the loose threads he pulled free. “I had a girlfriend. Her name was Rosie. Things were good, really good, and then one day we were taken. Uh, this guy, he ran a cult. I didn’t know anything about it. He, I guess, saw me? I don’t know where. He got it in his head that, well, anyway. He kidnapped me. I was, I was stuck there for a while. It was - wasn’t a good experience.”
Buck pauses, risking a glance up to check their responses. Eddie looks a little green. Bobby looks both stoic and heartbroken.
“I uh, learned afterwards, after the place was raided and I was freed, that Rosie was killed. Murdered. By the guy. I stayed in Peru for a while after I was freed. I testified. He was in jail, but, um, when I woke up - when I forgot - I asked Athena to make sure, because I thought I was still there. In Peru. With him. I asked her to make sure Father Liam.” He clears his throat and drops his gaze again. “Liam Turner, I needed to make sure he was still locked up.”
“Is he?” Eddie asks when Buck doesn’t continue. Buck glances up and sees Eddie’s eyes pinned on Athena.
Athena waits for Buck to nod, giving her permission to answer. “No. I found out that he was released a few years ago. I pulled some favors to get more information. As of now Liam Turner is in the wind. There’s absolutely no indication whatsoever that he’s in the States, let alone California.”
“But you don’t know for sure.” Bobby says. It’s not an accusation. There is fear in his voice. He looks from Athena to Buck and Buck can’t hold his gaze.
“No. I don’t know for sure.” Athena confirms. “It’s been seven years since he was initially arrested. He’s in his late fifties now. There is a slight chance he tried to rebuild his cult, but there have been no reports. If he’s smart he’ll stay out of trouble, keep away from anything to do with the Order. The man is very lucky to be free.”
“So he’s just out there, somewhere?” Eddie’s voice has a tinge of rage. “How - how did he even get released?”
“Because he had a small army of willing scapegoats.” Athena glances at Buck, who sucks in a breath. Up until this point, they hadn’t really talked about how Turner had reclaimed his freedom. To be honest, Buck, as Evan, hadn’t wanted to think about it. He hadn’t wanted to know. Buck, though, he kind of did. “It was an accumulation of things.” Athena continues. “There was a retrial that ended in the charges being dropped.”
“They never contacted me.” Buck says. “I - I mean, they probably had no way of knowing here I was.” He shakes his head and feels sick. If he’d been paying attention, if he’d kept in contact with the lawyers in Peru, maybe Turner would have never walked. Maybe he could have testified again and his nightmare would still be over.
What if Turner is out there hurting someone else, like he hurt Buck, like he hurt Rosie? What if it’s all Buck’s fault.
“It isn’t your fault, Buck.” Athena tells him firmly. “You had no way of knowing this would happen. I would also like to be clear - there is no indication that monster has any intention of locating Buck.”
“But he could.” Eddie looks like he might be sick. “That asshole could come after him.”
“Buck.” Bobby calls out, sounding far away. Buck feels cold. He blinks and realizes he missed something. He’s on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Buck?”
“What happened?” Buck slurs the words together. The sounds so jumbled, he’s fairly certain there’s no hope of it making any sense.
“Buck?” Athena sounds closer. Someone is holding his hand.
“Happened?” Buck asks again, looking around him. Athena is kneeling next to him while Eddie and Bobby hover over him with twin expressions of worry. “Sorry?”
“You stopped responding.” Bobby answers. “You just, froze. Then after a few minutes you stood up and just, fell over.”
“Oh.” Buck frowns and tries to sit up. “I don’t,” Buck stops himself from finishing the sentence. Announcing to three of the most important people in his life that he ‘doesn’t remember’ will likely cause a panic that is unnecessary. He does remember, up until he checked out. However, given his recent bout of amnesia, it’s safe to say mentioning memory isn’t the safest route to take. “I think I spaced out for a minute, sorry.”
“You’ve gone through a lot.” Bobby is quick to be supportive. “We - its a hard subject for you. I’m sorry if we pushed too hard.”
“This happened a lot, after I got free. In Peru, when they, they raided the compound. I was out of it. A lot.” Buck shakes his head, which is far clearer than it had been only moments ago. “I’m sorry. I warned Athena this might happen.”
“You did.” Athena sighs. “You did warn me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Eddie growls. “I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t - you didn’t deserve that. Athena is right, there is no indication that guy is going to come after you. I’m just upset - I can’t lose you Buck. You’re too important to me.”
“And, to be clear, if he does try to come after you - he won’t get near you.” Bobby vows. “You’ll be safe with us. We aren’t going to let him hurt you again.”
Something sings in Buck’s blood. It’s a mixture of love and hope.
“Okay, baby, let’s get you back on your feet.” Athena says, helping Buck stand. His vision swims a little, but he’s mostly fine. Just overwhelmed. They move from the table to the living room and Athena sets Buck down on the couch next to her, Bobby and Eddie finding chairs across from them.
“Oh, uh, you guys should eat.” Buck blinks, realizing they had abandoned the food.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling too hungry right now.” Bobby says, leaning forward a bit.
“Food is the last thing on my mind.” Eddie sighs. “I-I know I don’t have a right to ask you this, but I have to. Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I came to LA because I wanted to be someone else.” Buck tells them, not able to meet anyone's eyes. “After the trial, I was just - a mess. I was still working at the bar, still losing time. I met a group of guys that were staying at the resort. They kind of, just, befriended me. I liked being around them because they didn’t know what I had gone through. They didn’t treat me differently. I was just a bartender. They told me they were headed to LA next and suggested I should go with. That’s when I made the choice. I decided to become someone new. I decided to forget.” Buck sighs. “What better place to reinvent myself than in Los Angeles, the city of pretenders?”
Buck pauses, knowing that he hasn’t answered Eddie’s question. He continues, “I had to save up a bit to join the fire academy. By then I was using some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with - everything.” He didn’t think he needed to say it out loud, but Bobby nodded, seeming to understand without needing verbal confirmation that Buck’s 1.0 sexual enthusiasm and his resistance to authority were a direct result of Peru. “I honestly expected to fail, and then I did. I got myself fired.” Buck sucks in a breath and looks up at Bobby. “And then you gave me another chance and I thought, I really don’t want to screw this up. I wanted to help people. I wanted to stay.”
He turns his eyes to Eddie. “And I didn’t want anyone to know what happened to me. Because that would be acknowledging that it happened to me. I had buried it. It was in the past - just like all the other things I had failed at. I didn’t see the need to bring it up.” Buck huffs out a breath. “And I mean, come on, how do you bring that up in a conversation? Over a beer, just, ‘hey, just so you know, I was kidnapped by a cult leader who was obsessed with me in Peru. He thought I was the sun in human form. It sucked.’ I never even considered it. I never wanted you to know.”
They fall silent after that. Each retreating into their heads, thinking over the situation. Or, Buck assumes. He can only dwell on his own thoughts. The chaos in his head.
“For the record,” Eddie exhales and locks eyes with Buck. “I’m glad I know. I’m glad, because now we can protect you.”
“For the record,” Buck shoots back with a smirk. “I didn’t know Turner was free. Not until I had Athena look into it for me. I-I thought he was in prison. I didn’t know that-that he could come after me again.”
“Do you think he’d come for you?” Eddie asks.
Buck considers the question. “He never got what he wanted from me.” He says slowly. “He wanted me to give into him. To believe the lies he told me. To become one of his followers.” There is a sick feeling in Buck’s stomach as he nods. “He was obsessed - but it’s been so long. He has to have moved on, right?” He looks to Athena. They all do.
“He’s been free for the last two years.” Athena sighs. “There is no indication that he’s made any attempts to find you.”
“You’ve been on the news.” Bobby says, slightly alarmed.
“Actually, I don’t know if he ever learned my name.” Buck tells them. “During the trial our names were redacted, to protect our privacy. Me and the other survivors. So, there’s a good chance that he wouldn’t be able to google me.”
“He didn’t know your name?” Eddie’s jaw slackens.
“He never used it.” Buck shrugs. “I’m not saying he doesn’t know my name, but - but he might not have. Look, he wasn’t the most sane individual. He wrote bad poetry and got people to believe in him using drugs and manipulation to the point where they were willingly murdered so that their ‘light’ could return to the night sky.”
Bobby’s jaw drops and Eddie’s eyes go wide.
“Oh.” Buck frowns, because yeah, he wasn’t going to tell them that part. “Uh, I - I need some air.” He tells them, then flees the room, returning to the backyard. It’s not as comforting at night, being outside. Especially after bringing up the sacrifices. Buck remembers how hard it was to be outside at night after he’d been freed. Especially during a full moon. He remembered how hard it was going outside at all. He’d been terrified that someone would pop out of the shadows and drag him back to his concrete prison.
It is different, standing in the backyard of the Grant-Nash household. His friends and family feet away. If he called out, they would come to his rescue. They wouldn’t let anything happen to him. In his heart, he knows he’s safe.
“Say the word, and I’ll go back inside.” Eddie speaks softly, likely trying not to startle Buck.
Buck glances back at him and sighs. “No, it’s fine. Stay.”
“Can I ask you one more thing? One more thing that I probably have no right to ask you right now?” Eddie asks, edging on pleading. “Why didn’t you tell me that my name hurt you? You don’t have to tell me why, but I’ve already figured out that someone in that cult - ”
“You painted over him.” Buck cuts Eddie off, looking him in the eyes. “I didn’t need to call you something different, Eddie, because you erased him. Whatever fear and anxiety I felt towards him, you took that away. Because you are my best friend. Eddie. You are a good man.” Buck steps closer to Eddie and manages a smile. “Because when I hear someone say your name, I don’t think about him. I don’t have to. He is gone. I don’t have to think about him ever again.” Buck chuckles darkly. “Except now, but it’s only temporary. I’ll go to therapy, I’ll do whatever I need to do in order to bury him again. Because Eddie, you are permanent. You are the only Eddie that matters.”
“Buck, I just - ”
“No, please.” Buck interrupts him softly. “Please don’t do that to yourself. I got stuck in the past the last few days. I didn’t know you. I couldn’t remember. You mean so much to me. I hate that I forgot that. I hate that you had to learn about all this.”
“I’m glad I know.” Eddie says quickly. “I’ll keep you safe.”
“I know.” Buck nods. “Maybe someday, after a lot of therapy, I’ll be able to tell you the whole story. All of the - the messy bits. But, right now? I’m kind of barely holding it together.”
“You never have to tell me, if you don’t want to. You can tell me anything, of course, but I won’t hold it against you.” Eddie promises. “Just, if you need me, I’ll be right here. Every step of the way. We all will, but, I just - I love you so much. I can’t lose you, Buck.”
“You aren’t going to lose me Eds - I, wait, you love me?” Buck blinks.
Eddie winces. “Yeah, I was going to, uh, ask you out.” The older man swallows thickly, scratching at the back of his head. “When you were supposed to come over for movie night with Christopher, after he went to sleep, I had a plan. He was leaving for camp in the morning, so I was going to take you out for breakfast after we dropped him off. You kind of messed everything up when you went and cracked open your head.”
“Sorry.” Buck manages. “Uh, Eddie.”
“This is not the greatest time, I know.” Eddie closes his eyes. “I just wanted you to know. Because now I’m terrified someone is going to swoop in and take you and you might never know how I feel.”
“Eddie, I - ”
“And you don’t have to say anything.” Eddie holds up his hands in surrender. “I know this is shitty timing. Trust me, I am well aware. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just - I had to.”
“Eddie.” Buck snaps in frustration. Eddie sucks in a breath, but finally stops talking. Buck is flustered, heart beating painfully against his chest wall. There is a fuzzy feeling in his head, a mixture of elation and fear. Buck holds up his hands and takes in a deep breath. “Just, please shut up for a second.” Eddie nods silently, his shoulders dropping in defeat. Buck can tell he wants to say something. Thankfully, he gives Buck a moment to think.
A week ago Eddie’s confession would have been everything for Buck. Now? The timing wasn’t just bad. It was brutal. “Please. I-I feel, obviously, I was - I am, but I-I’m a fucking mess right now.” Buck takes a deep breath and sighs reluctantly meeting Eddie’s soft gaze. “I’m not saying no, but can we maybe put this on pause? I want - I wanted this, for so long, but right now? I just - I’m a mess.”
“I don’t mind the mess.” Eddie says carefully. “I don’t mind waiting, or taking things slow, or just being friends. I’ll do whatever you need. I’ll give you space - I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you want.”
“Don’t give me space. I need my best friend.” Buck whispers. “I-I just need you.”
“Okay.” Eddie nods. “Okay.”
__
Athena fixes the couch up for Eddie, since it’s clear he doesn’t plan to leave until his and Bobby’s shift in twelve hours. Everyone is exhausted, but Buck isn’t sure any of them are going to get any sleep. Buck apologizes, but they reassure him that it isn’t his fault. Even though it is clearly his fault.
Buck manages to hold it together until he’s alone. He takes a shower and cries. He lays in bed and cries himself to sleep and wakes up feeling awful from all the crying.
Maddie joins him and Athena for breakfast, Eddie and Bobby reluctantly give them space. Buck tells her what he told Bobby and Eddie. They cry. Maddie asks more direct questions, some Buck answers, some he can’t. There are some things he’s not ready to say out loud. Not to Maddie. Not to anyone. It’s hard enough knowing that he had confessed it to Athena. Though, at the same time, it’s a bit of a relief.
Buck’s pretty sure they know, anyway. Or at least, they’ve guessed.
“I’m here for you, little brother.” Maddie whispers as she holds him. “I’m so sorry.”
Buck gets a therapist. Athena recommends her. Given Buck’s history with therapy, he feels sick before, during and after his first session, but then, surprisingly, he feels hopeful. Despite feeling raw and like he is bleeding from a hundred different open wounds, Buck realizes he has a chance to heal what he spent years ignoring.
Of course there are severe downsides to having your darkest secret dredged up. All the conditioning he had broken free from seven years ago is fresh in his mind. He has to remind himself that it’s okay to talk to people. It’s okay to say no. To be loud. To fidget. It’s okay to look into people’s eyes. Touch isn’t a bad thing.
He is never alone. At first, it’s a blessing, but after a week, Buck starts to feel a little smothered. He finds himself losing less time, being more present. Dr. Faraday, his therapist, helps him develop ways to ground himself.
“I think I’m going to go for a walk.” Buck tells Bobby, when it’s just them one morning.
“Let me grab my keys.” Bobby says instantly, setting the book he’d been reading aside.
“Actually,” Buck winces. “I think I want to go alone, if that’s okay.”
Bobby looks torn, but slowly nods. “If you are sure.”
“Yeah.” Buck smiles. “I think I’m ready.”
Another week passes and Buck is back to full health, the brace had done it’s job and the doctor finally had given him the all clear. He can return to work, light duty for a few weeks and then he’ll be cleared entirely.
“Are you sure you want to move back into the loft?” Athena asks the night he officially moves out of the Grant-Nash household.
“It’s time for me to get out of your hair.” Buck tells her, wrapping her up in a grateful hug. “I’ll be fine.”
“You can stay.” Bobby reminds him, but he knows the decision has been made.
“You can always come visit if you miss me. And I’ll be around to bug you soon enough.” Buck offers lightly. “I’ll be okay, really. Dr. Faraday is right, I can’t hide here forever. I have to get back to normal. Not that I wouldn’t mind staying here, but I think you both might need a break from me for a bit.”
“You are always welcome here.” Athena reassures him. “I personally would feel better if I could continue to keep an eye on you. However, I understand. This is your choice and I respect it.”
“The guest room is basically your room now, kiddo.” Bobby agrees with an easy smile. “If you change your mind, just let us know. No questions asked.”
“Eddie and Christopher are coming over tonight, anyway. It’s not like I’m going to be alone.” Buck reminds them lightly. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Text me. Often.” Athena reminds him. It’s part of the agreement, for her peace of mind and, honestly, for Buck’s as well. Buck is to text her with updates throughout the day, letting her know he’s safe.
“I will.” Buck smiles. “I love you both. Thank you for everything.”
It takes more strength than he anticipated to turn and walk to his Jeep. He doesn’t look back towards Bobby and Athena, who are still watching him, until he settles in the driver’s seat. He waves a final goodbye, starting the vehicle and pulls out of the driveway.
He’s not cured. Buck’s head is still a bit chaotic, but he’s on his way to something closer to normal. Maybe he’s pushing it. Pushing himself. Buck knows he could have stayed with Bobby and Athena. He knows he’d be safe there, but he needs to remember he can be safe on his own too.
Even if he is cheating tonight.
Eddie has been amazingly supportive and Christopher has always brought out the sense of calm in Buck. He’s looking forward to spending the night with the Diaz family.
He arrives at his apartment and that sinking feeling he usually feels when parking in his space isn’t immediately there. He spots the Diaz truck in the guest parking section and smiles softly to himself. It’s a quick trip up to his floor.
It’s not the first time he has returned ‘home’ since he regained his memories. He’s been here on and off for the last few days, getting ready to move back in. It’s the first time he’s felt like he is actually coming home, though.
Eddie is in the kitchen, opening two bottles of beer as Buck walks through the door.
“Took you long enough.” Eddie teases lightly as Buck locks the door behind him.
“It was harder to leave than I thought it would be.” Buck admits with a small, but happy smile. He takes the bottle of beer Eddie offers him and peeks his head around the corner to spot Christopher already playing a game on Buck’s gaming system. “No fair, letting the kid get extra practice in. He’s already going to kick our asses.”
“It’s not my fault you’re late.” Eddie laughs. “But, seriously, you don’t have to move back in here if you aren’t ready.”
“I’m ready.” Buck lies easily. Well, sort of. He is ready to be on his own. He’s a capable adult male who is used to taking care of himself. There is no physical reason why he shouldn’t move back into his own apartment. “Besides, Bobby and Athena are amazing, but I’m sure they won’t mind having their place back.”
“You could always stay with us.” Eddie offers, casually leaning up against Buck’s kitchen island.
They haven’t talked about the whole ‘having feelings for each other’ thing, yet. Eddie has been so patient and caring. He hasn’t pushed for more information than Buck has been willing to give. Eddie knows about as much as Maddie, but not as much as Athena. Buck isn’t sure he’s ready for everyone to know everything. He doubts he’ll ever be ready to talk about some of it. Talking with Dr. Faraday is hard enough.
“I think I need to try being alone for a bit.” Buck admits. “But, knowing me that might only last for a day or two. I’m sure I’ll be crashing on your couch before you know it.” He inhales sharply, feeling himself blush, “or, uh, if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” Eddie goes soft, setting his beer aside and striding up close to Buck. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need, you just have to ask.”
“So about the thing.” Buck says after a momentary pause. He glances towards where Christopher is sitting, making sure they aren’t being overheard. “The uh, what you said?”
“The ‘I love you’ thing?” Eddie says, not so much of a question, but a retelling of a statement.
“Yeah, that.” Buck looks into Eddie’s eyes. “Maybe, we could un-pause? I mean, I’m not ready for - for anything physical. Uh, sex. Really. I might not - for a while. But, I want to - to try. I’ve had this crush on you for, like, forever.”
“Buck, I love you. I’m happy to un-pause if you are ready to. Tell me what you want, what your comfortable with. We can go slow. You are my best friend. I’m okay with just doing what we usually do - just, maybe doing more of it.”
“I’d like to try something.” Buck says, his eyes drifting to Eddie’s lips. “Maybe, could you kiss me?”
Instead of speaking, Eddie dips forward and gently places his lips against Buck’s. It’s slow, at first, each of them exploring the movement. Tentative. Careful. Buck inhales, his body feeling tingly as he moves closer to Eddie, their bodies pressing together. Their tongues meet, warm as they press together. Buck finds his hand has drifted up, tangled in Eddie’s hair as they drink each other in.
Eventually, they have to come up for air. Eddie’s hands rest on Buck’s hips. His thumbs gently brushing against his skin under his shirt.
“Yeah, maybe we start with the being best friends thing - but definitely add more of this.” Buck breathes.
“You guys are gross.” Christopher says, standing in the space between the living room and the kitchen watching them with an amused look. “Can we play video games now?”
Buck and Eddie chuckle, but dutifully obey Christopher.
As they settle onto the couch together, Buck feels a swelling of pride in his heart. He’s done what he set out to do. He’s become someone new. Though maybe he doesn’t hate Evan as much as he thought he did. Maybe, after everything, he even has an appreciation for Evan. Evan was a survivor - just like Buck.
Maybe it’s time that they both get their happy ending.