Chapter Text
Jesper couldn’t help but feel lost as he followed Sankta Neyar through the winding dark hallways of her house and he briefly wondered if she had brought him here to kill him. Maybe his lousy fabrickating skills were such an offence to the saint that she had to put an end to the walking insult to grisha named Jesper Fahey.
Looking around at the hundreds of dusty trinkets and statues that littered the shelves lining each room he wondered how old each one was, decades or maybe even hundreds of years have gone by since they had been made. A brief thought passed through him, maybe his fate was to die in some barrel squabble but just once he wanted something of his to be cherished by someone else, not locked away in hiding out of fear. That thought process stopped the moment he pulled the blade out of its sheath.
“Saints, …I have a lot of catching up to do” He tried to make his tone lighthearted but the slight tremble in his voice betrayed his intimidation. What would his mother say if she knew he had wasted his gift for so long? Because that's exactly what it was wasn’t it? A gift, just as Wylan had tried to make him see.
Jesper knows it may sound insane but he was almost grateful for the poison, saying as much to the saint before him. Seeing his mother again was all he ever needed because no matter what, he misses her. Jesper misses his mother so much and being zowa like her just felt like a painful reminder of what he lost, he wasn’t going to lose anyone else over this.
“Life doesn’t often give second chances so protect this one, like i protect mine.” Sankta Neyar looked over at her sleeping husband with a gaze that held a thousand years worth of love.
Wait, how did she-?
“Time does not wait for anyone, I know that better than anyone else. Go.”
“I-thank you.” He was unsure of how else to express what he felt in that moment but the woman seemed to pay no mind to his words as he gave her a small smile, instead she looked down allowing a brief expression of something that was not quite guilt flash over her face before she schooled it into something more neutral.
“It would be a shame to waste the talent of any durast, so do catch up.”
Jesper left hearing those final words with one goal in mind. He needed to talk to Wylan.
Almost running back outside the gate, Jesper swiftly handed the blade off to Inej, not even looking over at the group gathered there before running over to the smaller figure in the distance.
“Wylan!” He didn’t stop.
“Wylan, wait!” the man startled as if awoken from a deep sleep. Jesper fell into step with him as he began speaking.
“You were right.” The shorter man glanced up at him, eyes clouded in confusion or maybe doubt? His frame was hunched as if expecting to be yelled at or hit and that broke Jesper’s heart a little so he continued.
“I don’t want to hide who I am anymore, for a million reasons…Including you.” The admission made him a bit nervous as he wasn’t usually one for discussing messy feelings but he knew this was important and he had to say it before his own insecurities choked him up. Would Wylan even want this?
The next words that he heard came as a bit of a shock to say the least. In such a small voice that it was barely audible came two words,
“I’m sorry.” And that wasn’t like his Wylan, that wasn’t like his Wylan at all. The man he knew was strong and stood by anything he said, what was he apologising for anyway? Sure their argument had hurt a bit and Jesper knew that Wylan often shied away from confrontation but this felt different in a way, as if he was apologising from more than just this.
Jesper gently grabbed his elbow, stopping the demo man in his tracks and turning those big brown eyes towards himself.
The first thing he noticed was that Wylan looked terrified, like a deer staring down the barrel of a shotgun chanting apologies for sins the durast is sure he hasn’t committed.
Jesper slowly took hold of Wylan's shaking hands, frowning internally as he frantically looked around himself, perceiving threats unknown to Jesper.
“Sanits Wy you’re freezing!” Wylan always ran cold, that was simply a fact they solved by piling blankets on their bed back home or by Jesper holding his hands while they were outside to hopefully share some of his own body heat. But here under the beaming morning light of the Shu Hand sun and wearing more layers than strictly necessary Wylan's skin felt ice cold. As if suddenly struck by a fever his skin had become incredibly pale and sweaty.
Eyes flying open Wylan began to push away from him, ripping his hands away, eyes locked on something. Attempting to reach out and regain their contact the grisha stepped forward only from Wylan to wrap his arms around himself, seemingly saying “Not now, please not now” under his breath.
For a horrifying moment Jesper thought that it was him Wylan was afraid of. Had he pushed too hard? Had seeing Sankta Neyar bend the metal in their blood terrify him to the point of fearing durasts altogether? Then realised that the younger man was staring at something different altogether, something just over Jesper’s shoulder.
Without hesitation he turned around ready to face whatever threat had shaken the other man so but when he looked… there was nothing.
Wylan kept backing away and Jesper was too late to catch him when he inevitably crumbled to the ground and just…stayed there. He didn’t move to get up or make any sound, only laid there pale as a ghost, unmoving.
Jesper wasn’t one to ever admit when he was scared but right now, he was terrified.
⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿𓅪‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹
The old metal bedframe creaked underneath him as he shifted nervously, murky yellow wallpaper mocked the dreary grey sky outside. Ketterdam looked much the same all year round, cold, wet, and dead. Even the people looked dead, business men walking around dressed in blacks and greys, indentures with eyes completely devoid of life and starving children hiding in alleys barely clinging to life.
He could hear the murmuring voices outside the door, flinching everytime they even slightly raised but never enough to hear. Well worn wooden floors creaked whenever someone shifted their stance making the urge to bolt away from here spike when they neared the room.
Wylan stared at the flickering light of an oil lamp that was perched on a windowsill of the cramped room, the windows were barred up blocking out most of the light coming from the setting sun outside. Shadows danced along the wall and Wylan found himself lost in thought with nothing else to do. His father had mentioned a doctor on the outskirts of town that promised a cure for his defect but that was all the information that he felt was necessary to tell Wylan.
Almost as soon as he had entered the large white secluded building Wylan was ushered into a room by a nurse, he tried to protest, looking to his father for help but of course he was not spared a glance. Van Eck was conversing with a man dressed in a white lab coat that swallowed his skinny and towering frame.
The merchant looked out of place in the building, a stark black suit standing out against white tiles and pale walls stained by faulty water pipes, turning his nose up at whatever the doctor was saying in a way very familiar to Wylan. It was the face of someone who felt they were above everyone else in the room.
Wylan caught a snippet of their conversation just before he was dragged away, up a flight of stairs into a series of carbon copy hallways spanning out into different directions, seemingly endless.
“Mister Van Eck, I believe that this new drug will bring an end to your troubles. All the way from Shu Han the extraordinary properties of datura-”
Wylan jumped when the door opened revealing the same nurse from before wheeling in an IV next to the bed, hanging from the hooks at the top were glass cylindrical containers. These drew his attention, not because of the awful scraping noise of metal on metal but because of the bright orange liquid sloshing around.
The nurse looked at him expectantly but Wylan just shrunk in on himself under her scrutiny. This only elicited an annoyed sigh from her as if he was simply a misbehaving child refusing to eat his veggies.
Before he could react the nurse grabbed him arm in a bruising grip extending his arm towards herself. Wylan tried to flinch away when she inserted a needle into the crux of his arm and secured it with a bandage but her grip was unrelenting.
You’ve been here before.
“What is this?” His voice came out smaller than he'd hoped but he couldn’t help the fear creeping up on him. Wylan wanted to run, scream, plead for answers but his body wasn’t listening to him, as if it was not his.
The woman didn’t even acknowledge him before straightening up and turning to leave the room, but not before eyeing him suspiciously, eyes narrowing as if contemplating something before shaking her head and making her departure. The door creaked as she pushed it closed behind her, not shutting it fully.
Slowly standing up from the narrow bed Wylan attempted to follow the nurse into the hallway but then was reminded as to why she had been there in the first place.
The IV tugged at his arm and looking down at the offending appendage he was hit with a wave of dizziness that brought him to his knees with a thud. He half expected her to return because of the noise, causing him to freeze but the hallway remained empty. Wylan felt his blood become heavy in his body and allowed his head to flop back uselessly onto the mattress behind him.
Everything felt so fuzzy, like when he had a fever and not much around him made sense. Suddenly orange vines rose up from the cracks in between the floorboards, wrapping around his arm and making their way up his body, anchoring him to the ground. Panic rose in his chest and Wylan struggled against the vines as his breaths quickened, tugging his arm back with as much force as he could muster.
A vibrant burst of blue fluttered into the room, a butterfly just like the ones his mother used to paint landed on his arm and the vines simply released him melting into a puddle on the floor beside him which slowly grew and began soaking into the fabric of his trousers.
The butterfly rounded him a few times before escaping out of the gap in the doorway and continuing down the hall outside his room. Wylan struggled to bring himself upright with the help of his bedpost to follow the insect, one foot in front of the other and heavily leaning on the wall beside him, gasping for the air that seemed insistent on leaving his lungs. He made slow progress through the empty hall, passing multiple locked doors till he rounded a corner. The butterfly had disappeared but Wylan had no doubt about where he needed to go.
A large white door loomed over him, much more imposing than the rest as it stood secluded in its own smaller corridor.
It creaked open revealing a sea of white lilies and red poppies scattered in a field of green, his mother sat in front of the easel finishing up some lotus flowers adorning a murky pond. Wylan froze.
“What are you doing here my dear?” She said, soft spoken and caring.
He didn’t know.
“You should be outside, with your friends.”
Friends?
“Never mind that, come here love.”
Wylan slowly made his way up to his smiling mother, confusion making everything feel cloudy. It was as if he wasn’t really here but everything still felt all too real. His mother was dead but seeing her here just felt right.
Long ginger locks partially obscured his mother's face as she studied him, eyes raking over his scrawny frame as he stood before her wanting nothing more than to fall into her arms.
But like the sun becoming obscured by storm clouds her expression morphed into one of concern, brows creasing and eyes widening, never leaving his face.
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
Those words startled him, almost jumping out of his skin at the change of tone. She was right.
“I’m so tired mama.” He heard himself say the words before even being aware that they left his mouth, not realising how painfully true that was until right now.
Years of just dragging himself through all of this weighed heavily on his shoulders, leaving him exhausted and right now it was all catching up to him. The thought of just… letting go, well, it was tempting. Maybe he could simply close his eyes, rest a little and not have to deal with any more pain.
Marya took him into her arms, squeezing him tightly before firmly setting her hands on his shoulders to look into her son's eyes.
“Wylan, you must listen to me. You have to wake up.”
Wake up?
“Wylan, wake up!.”
Suddenly the grip on his shoulders was released and Wylan fell backwards until he hit the water behind him. The icy currents swallowed him whole, dragging Wylan further into its shadowy depths and for all his kicking and fighting nothing worked, Wylan was just so tired.
⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿𓅪‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹
Inej had never run so fast in her life, images of Wylan's body laying unconscious on the grass burned into her brain. He looked as pale as some of the bodies on reapers barge and dark circles had formed around his eyes like bruises.
How had they missed it? Why didn’t he say anything? Wylan had been suffering and nobody noticed until he was halfway through death's door. And Inej couldn’t help the guilt that seeped into her gut.
Every thought in her brain screamed at her that they were too late and there was no saving him from the poison. Inej refused to listen to them, Wylan had survived this long and they surely would not let him die now.
Searching the garden for anything that resembled what Wylan had fed her, Inej hated that she did not take a closer look at the time, or have some knowledge of poisons that could help her right now. She knew all the right places to cut, to make people bleed or to stop it but when it came to healing internally she felt lost.
Inej was startled out of her thoughts by something out of the corner of her eye. There on her shoulder a butterfly had taken its perch. It was beautiful she thought but even more importantly, it was blue, just like what Wylan had fed her. She immediately reached out to grab it but the awkward angle made her a second too late and it flew away out of her reach.
Internally cursing herself, Inej attempted to follow it in hopes that another opportunity to grab it presented itself, almost certain that this was what she ate.
She followed it deeper through the garden and there, beside the door that was somehow already fixed after their demolitions man had blown it to bits lay a plant adorned with the blue butterflies she was chasing. It was definitely not a coincidence that the plant they chose to inhabit was the same bright orange that had almost killed them all before, at least she hoped not.
Now she just prayed to every saint she knew that she wasn’t too late.
⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿𓅪‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹
“Come on Wylan you gotta wake up.” Jesper pleaded, lifting a shaky hand to brush away a strand of brown hair out of his eyes. He was laying limply in the Zemeni man’s arms oblivious to his concern.
Where the hell was Inej?
“Jesper, calm down he’ll be fine.”
Kaz sounded unbothered with his usual rough voice but they could all see the furrow between his brow. DirtyHands worried about his crows in his own little way, they all knew it but right now Jesper felt like punching him.
“Y’know what Kaz-”
“Stop this, it’s not helping anyone.” Nina swiftly cut in, not letting the situation escalate. Distantly Jesper thought that he shouldn’t let himself be scolded by his friend but right now he was just grateful that someone was keeping some semblance of control because he felt like he had none right now.
“Lay him down Jesper I’m going to try and slow the effects of the poison.” Nina wasted no time in kneeling beside Wylan and holding her hands out in some gesture he knew meant that she was using her power.
“Allow me to help.” Tolya joined the heartrender on the ground and no longer being close enough to his boyfriend to hold him Jesper began to pace, nervous energy thrummed through his body but with no outlet it only grew.
It felt like hours had passed since Inej left and Wylan only seemed to be getting worse, if that was even possible.
Jesper didn’t know if he was so lost in his own head that he became completely unaware of his surroundings or if Inej simply knew how to teleport but when she appeared it was directly behind him holding a butterfly and slightly out of breath.
“Saints Inej don’t do that! Wait, that's what I ate?”
“I believe it is.” A sympathetic look crossed her face before it returned to her original focused one.
“Quickly, give it here.”
Inej handed it over, placing the butterfly into Nina's outstretched hand. Gently she opened Wylan’s mouth, placing the insect inside and helped him chew it. Jesper briefly had to look away, the sight making him all too aware of the feeling of it in his throat.
They all watched with baited breath, waiting from the demo man to stir or at least regain some colour to his features, everything fell silent, not even the birds above dared to make a sound.
Nothing happened.
“Why isn’t he waking up?”
“I don’t know I- it should have worked, it did for us.” Inej looked lost, her eyes flying from the sharpshooter to the unconscious demo man yet to wake up.
“His heart is barely beating on its own. If we don’t do something fast he’s going to die here.” The heartrender sounded like every bit the second army soldier she was, slipping into the headspace she used to live in.
Jesper practically fell onto Wylan, tears spilling over as he hugged the cold body, begging Wylan to wake up. He did not care about the eyes on him, all he cared about was the man in front of him.
He couldn’t lose him, not Wylan, not now. He couldn’t bear to live a life without him, maybe it was silly, they hadn't known each other for that long but Jesper had never been so sure that he loved someone. He loved Wylan, he never told him.
Jesper felt like he was being abandoned all over again, just like his mother Wylan would leave, it was all too familiar. She had taken in the poison to save another, just like Wylan had inhaled the poison to save them.
She took in the poison.
“It would be a shame to waste the talent of any durast.”
A newfound determination filled him.
“I’m not letting you die on me Wylan.”
Everyone looked at him curiously as he held firmly onto the brunette's hand and closed his eyes in concentration. He remembered his mothers words as she taught Jesper the basics.
Sitting in a jurda blossom field she placed her hand over his, a comforting weight as he focused on pulling the colour from the petals underneath his palm.
Feel the colour drain away and be pulled towards you, like a magnet. From the very tips of your fingers to your palm.
He kept pulling, strengthening that magnet through sheer willpower as he felt his arms begin to burn.
Feel it, as if an extension on your own body, just under your skin and flowing through your veins.
“Jesper-”
It’s important that you also let go, holding onto these things for too long is bad for you little rabbit.
Jesper felt a fresh wave of hot tears prick the corners of his eyes and he let out a shaky breath.
Do not worry, I will always be with you my love.
“Jesper you have to let go!”
With one last deep inhale Jesper wrenched his hand away from Wylan’s and buried it into the grass beneath him, expelling every ugly thing within him into the soil below, his fears, his doubts and his grief, using all of the desperation in his body to rid himself of the toxin.
Hunched over in exhaustion Jesper felt Nina’s hand on his shoulder offering comfort and probably checking him to make sure he had gotten everything out of his system.
“He’s up! Welcome back to the land of the living.” Tolya exclaimed across from him and Jesper's heart stopped in its tracks.
Slowly looking up as if this would all disappear if he moved too fast, grey eyes met a deep brown. A thousand emotions seemed to pass through them but those that Jesper could definitely identify were relief and love. So much love.
“Saints Wylan I was so worried!” Immediately pulling the other man into a crushing embrace it was clear Wylan was still exhausted from his near brush with death but he was alive and that was all that mattered.
“Hi Jes, you’re glowing..” His voice was still raspy but seeing Wylan look at him like that made him want to cry again.
“I suppose not even a handshake with the grim reaper can take away your charm.” Jesper smiled, feeling like the richest man on earth.
“I was poisoned?”
“It wasn’t working-the antidote, it wouldn't work and I-I was terrified and-”
“You saved me…” He said this slowly, words bursting with adoration as if Jesper had hung the sun and the stars.
“Saints, Wy I love you and I sure as hell was not going to let you die!”
“You love me…?”
He froze, realising he had in fact said that out loud and there was not taking it back but he realised he didn’t want to, he needed Wylan to know he loved him even if it was not reciprocated.
“Yeah…I do.”
“I love you too, Jesper Fahey.”
Jesper held him close, hugging Wylan like he never wanted to let him go and that was okay because Wylan didn’t want him to. Jesper saved him from the waters that threatened to drown him and Wylan would get poisoned a hundred more times if it meant Jesper was here with him just like this.