Chapter Text
Tampa Bay 2017
Despite navigating a travel day that’s felt like a marathon and a half, Shane couldn’t be any more keyed up.
It takes him three times to get his keycard to align with his hotel door, the thrum of his pulse – antsy and needy underneath his skin – doing little to steady him. This close to him, Shane feels like a giant neon sign pointing directly at Ilya.
As he methodically unpacks his suitcase, hanging up the suits he’ll need for media and carefully stowing his new casualwear, he runs through the schedule in his mind again. Right now, most people are getting settled in their rooms, but they’ll be at the bar soon enough. After that, it’s a scrum between himself and the West’s Captain, followed by a team meeting and dinner.
Which means that this afternoon, at the bar, is the best opportunity to talk with Ilya alone. There won’t be a chance at the meeting, and dinner will certainly be a drunken affair – which is not how he wants to do this.
Besides that, it’s the least formal option with the greatest chance for escape, which Shane wants to make sure Ilya knows is available. Just because Shane wants something more doesn’t mean that Ilya should have to listen to it.
The bar is also, arguably, the most public place to do this.
And that thought definitely doesn’t make his palms sweat.
Shane shakes his head, falling back onto his bed with a light bounce. If he wants this – and he really, really wants this – he’s going to have to find a way to stretch beyond his comfort zone. He knows how to talk about things that matter without sounding like he’s saying much; Yuna had him media trained at age 14.
But this is different. This matters more than any game he’s played, any interview he’s given, any commercial he’s filmed. And whatever happens, Shane needs to walk away from this weekend knowing that he left it all on the ice – in more ways than one.
In an effort to feel marginally less intense, Shane pulls out his phone. Huffing a laugh, he types in a well-worn question and sees an all too familiar quiz.
It’s silly, he knows. He has his answer. But seeing it written down by a computer instead of spoken aloud by Rose or to himself in the bathroom mirror could be useful. Without much hesitation, he clicks.
Have you ever had feelings for a same-gender close friend?
I think so. That’s why I’m taking this quiz.
Wait, what’s the difference between a close friend and a crush?
Don’t think so, but we’re so close people joke that we’re dating.
Nope. We’re just friends.
Shane’s not sure when he and Ilya became close friends. It seemed like all of a sudden, Shane couldn't put his phone down. They crossed some invisible line holding them back, and Shane hasn't found a way – or a desire – to uncross it. Despite everything, Shane still wholly believes that Ilya knows him better than anyone else on Earth. And like a flame he can't bring himself to extinguish, he lets himself believe that he knows Ilya that way, too.
Buried between the lines of sacred text messages and tucked under freshly laundered sheets, they unwittingly took steps forward. Maybe if he’s lucky, he can convince Ilya that another wouldn't hurt too badly.
Have you ever kissed someone or wanted to kiss someone of the same gender?
Definitely, and it was great.
I haven’t done it, but I want to try it.
Yeah, and I’m not sure how I felt about it.
Nope. Not interested.
Shane smiles at his phone, the same dopey one that Hayden calls him out on when they’re in Boston. He wishes he could remember every single kiss they’ve ever had. They were great, and even if Ilya isn’t interested in seeing him after this weekend, he hopes that he could negotiate for just one more.
How do you feel about queer characters in TV shows and movies?
Oh, I’ve totally watched shows just for the queer ships and storylines.
I kind of feel like I can identify with queer characters.
I notice queer characters, but I don’t feel strongly about them.
I like the positive representation, but they don’t stand out to me.
He still doesn’t watch much TV, but the change in queer representation in the last decade has been hard to miss. He’s never watched a show for a queer storyline, but it’s easier to think that he could without having a heart attack.
It’s easier to let himself want to be seen between the lines.
When someone asks you who you’re crushing on:
A name comes to mind immediately, and it’s someone of the same gender.
I make up a name or pick someone random.
I literally don’t get the big deal about crushes.
I talk about someone of the opposite sex who I’m genuinely crushing on.
A light blush comes to his cheeks. He’s never really thought about his relationship with Ilya as a crush, but it’s not too far off. It’s all he can do to pull his eyes away from his screen sometimes, heart fluttering as he reads Ilya’s flirty messages.
How long did he spend talking himself out of that feeling?
Too long, he’s sure. Way too fucking long.
Has anyone ever asked you if you were gay?
People pretty much assume that about me all the time.
I’ve been asked that once or twice.
No one has asked directly if I’m gay, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did ask.
Never. People assume I’m straight.
Rose did, though he’s not totally sure that it counts considering that she only figured it out after some of the most embarrassing sex of his life. Struggling to get it up for a blowjob isn’t a new low, but it’s certainly one he’s been less familiar with in recent years.
Still, he can’t bring himself to regret his relationship with her, as embarrassing as things got. Shane can’t believe how lucky he is that he managed to keep her as a friend on top of the kick in the ass he needed to get to this point.
He should send her some flowers. Or a ton of make-up wipes to help with all the blue she has to paint on.
When you imagine being in a relationship, what do you picture?
I can only see myself with someone of the same sex.
I’m not sure. Any gender seems okay.
I’ll probably be with someone of the opposite sex.
I can only see myself with someone of the opposite sex.
Realistically at this point, he can only see himself with Ilya. Other guys were… fine, mostly, but he knows why he’s been reluctant to pursue them. Even outside of the risks associated with the biggest MLH scandal in history… none of them were Ilya. They didn’t pull his hair the same or kiss him hard enough or squeeze around his ribcage the right way.
None of it’s right – not without him.
How would you feel about identifying as gay?
Yeah, that feels right.
It honestly makes me a little nervous, but also kinda fits.
I’m not sure how I feel.
No, I really don’t think that’s me.
It took a long time to get to this point, but it does finally feel right. It’s big and scary and overwhelming at times, but he doesn’t feel like the truth is hunting him anymore. Now it just lives in him, huge and bold and strangely bright.
Have you ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender?
Yes.
Yeah, but everyone has, right?
People of the same gender are just objectively more attractive.
Nope.
He rolls his eyes a bit, remembering the first time he took this quiz. His eyes land on the second answer, and he smiles.
It’s been hard to have empathy for the versions of himself that asked these questions. He wants to have known all of this years before, to have everything figured out by now. He wants to not have wasted so much time being oblivious, even if it means speeding up the heartbreak and fear.
But that’s not how it works. He was oblivious and scared – and confused, and millions of other things he couldn’t have begun to parse. It wasn’t possible for him to get here at 17 or 19 or 23 or even five months ago. And if now is the only time that he can confidently choose the first answer to this quiz, then he’ll have to make the most of the opportunity. And try to be grateful for everything that got him here.
How do you feel about dating someone of the opposite gender?
I’m not interested. That would feel like a chore.
I wouldn’t mind, and I’ve either wanted to do it or have done it.
Maybe, but I’m not really interested in anyone.
I’d definitely date (or have dated) someone of the opposite gender.
‘Chore’ feels rude, but… well, Rose certainly noticed he was gay, and it didn’t take much sleuthing for her to get there.
Do you ever fantasize about being with someone of the same gender?
Yeah. Pretty often.
Sometimes.
Yes, but I’m not sure I’d actually end up with someone of the same gender.
No.
The word ‘fantasize’ trips him up, as it does every time. Maybe other people have more cohesive ideas of what counts as a fantasy.
He chooses the first option regardless; even if it’s not a fantasy, it would be a lie to say that he hasn’t thought about Rozanov every fucking night for months.
Years.
When you imagine kissing or being intimate with a future partner, how do you feel?
As long as I’m with someone I really like, that sounds great.
Good, I guess?
I can’t imagine that, and I don’t think I’ll ever want that, regardless of gender.
I’m too young for that.
Shane picks his answer quickly; he doesn’t have time to imagine everything he and Ilya have gotten up to, not if he’d like to show up to the bar downstairs at a reasonable time.
If you scroll through your feed, do you see content from queer creators?
Yup. You got me.
Maybe! It depends on the day.
Yeah, but only because I’ve looked at one or two related posts.
Probably not.
His mom is still the only person who uses his social media, which is good. From what he’s heard, the algorithm is strangely good at figuring this stuff out, and he’d like to come out to her on his own terms – not through her seeing too many posts about queer people in sports.
Though, maybe he should get a finsta at this point. He’s already spent plenty of time doing the more dangerous thing of having Ilya’s phone number to begin with. Maybe he can allow himself to indulge a bit.
Flash forward 5 years: how likely is it that your partner is the same gender as you?
Very likely.
Pretty likely.
Possible, but not super likely.
Not very likely.
Shane wants to mark the first option, but he’s gotta hedge his bets here. He still has to talk to Ilya. Maybe it won’t go well (and he doesn’t want to assume that Ilya hasn’t found someone else in the last two months like he did), but he hopes he’s right. He hopes Ilya feels it too.
Would you be comfortable using an LGBTQ+ dating app?
Absolutely! I already have one downloaded.
I’m open to giving one a try.
Not really, but I won’t rule it out completely.
No. That makes me uncomfortable.
He downloaded Grindr once and couldn’t look at his phone for three days without his breath catching in his throat. It took Hayden asking if he needed help with anything for him to get up the courage to uninstall it. He even went into his app history to remove it.
Dating apps are probably not for him.
Are there a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in your friend group?
Absolutely! Lots of my friends are queer.
A few good friends of mine identify as LGBTQ+.
Not really—most of my friends are straight.
Nope. My entire friend group is straight.
Once again, he can’t be the only gay person in the entire MLH. But, once again, he’s not exactly looking around his locker room for signs of it.
What inspired you to take this quiz?
I think I might be gay, but I wanted some extra validation.
I identify with aspects of the queer experience but am not totally sure where I stand.
I'm just curious about the result I'll get.
I want to confirm that I'm heterosexual.
Shane knows he’s gay now, and he’s learning to be proud of it. A little extra validation is pretty nice, though.
You might be gay!
The Shane of ten years ago hung on words like this: “might” and “probably” and “24%” in a desperate attempt to outrun himself. He would’ve done anything to avoid those words on his screen.
But this time, the exclamation doesn’t make him uncomfortable. It makes him feel a little more whole. A little more honest. And, weirdly, a little excited. He’s not ready to come out – especially given that he just figured this out about himself – but it feels like a weight has been lifted regardless.
Shane stands up, carefully making his way to his closet. His new stylist gave him a list of clothing with function and order; Shane could’ve cried when he saw it. He steps into the outfit and carefully shrugs on his new blazer – listed under “business casual / fun” and “first option” – before deleting his history and pocketing his phone.
Shane Hollander is a gay man in the MLH, he has new clothes, and he’s going to have an actual conversation with Ilya Rozanov, the man he loves.
And for the first time, none of it scares him.