Chapter Text
14th of October, early on the first semester
Suguru wakes up feeling like shit. He really cannot fathom the idea of leaving the comfort of his bed to go and listen to his metaphysics teacher rant about hylomorphism in Aristotles theory, and how they should be far gone by the middle of his metaphysics book, on which they had to write a summary and an essay. Yeah, not happening, he was going to skip for sure. He stays in bed for almost half an hour, wandering in nothing, mostly waiting for some kind of motivation to take over him. It never happens though, and despite his refusal to stand up and be productive, he does. He gets up with a lazy and long yawn followed by an annoyed groan, it’s gonna be a long fucking day. He really has to get some work done, by now —being the efficient student he tries to be— he would have finished Aristotles Metaphysics book and would be writing the assignment. He hasn’t even opened the damn book. Not only that, his dorm is fucking gross. He has the trash of a whole week piled up in the bin and even on the floor, and judging by the smell there has to be some spoiled milk on the mini fridge.
After getting up, he realizes how much of a mess he is right now: the room, his organization, the delay on his coursework… He was feeling kinda numb, not having much energy for anything, lacking interest in anything lately… Yeah, it feels really familiar and those aren’t good news. He is very much aware that depression isn’t something that you once have and then it goes away forever, like some disease you grow immune to after going through them, like chicken pox or whatever. He knows relapsing is a thing, he knows he has a habit of avoiding his negative emotions by bottling them up and living in autopilot and he knows how by giving into that numbness can send him spiraling into that comfortable rotting spot that he hates. He also has more tools when it happens, he knows how to handle himself and get back on track, even if this time is the worst he had for a really long time. I really should get my shit together, he thinks, kinda avoiding like the plague the reason why he is feeling so apathetic right now. He knows the reason, he obviously knows he isn’t fucking stupid, he just… doesn’t want to give it much thought right now, he has better things to do than think about Satoru.
The fact is that he hasn’t been in good terms with him for some months by now. Not that he had told him that, although Satoru probably had guessed that since Suguru had spent the last two weeks ignoring him. But this isn’t about some silly fight they had, it’s about them, their friendship. Suguru learned early on that Satoru was very restrained, that he hid behind fake smiles, his arrogant demeanor, his cocky and flirty attitude, his almost rehearsed unyielding confidence he wore everywhere, the frat boys that he surrounded himself with… That falseness was his armor, the one one he’d carry everywhere and every time; one that was completely opaque, unbreakable, too shiny to be made out of metal and yet too hard that no material was able to cut through. But Suguru had wore one just like that plenty of times before; Suguru had knew Satoru for long enough to perceive the cracks on his armor, to see the almost imperceptible drops of blood hidden between his joints and recognize the mild twist of pain in his eyes from the hits he classified just as “minor inconveniences”. So yeah, it was too late for Satoru to try and deny whatever, they where too close for that right now, Suguru knew him too well.
He couldn’t understand, tho, why after more than two years knowing each other, Satoru still refused to put down his armor. Suguru couldn’t understand why even after all those years of patience, of mutual understanding, reliability… Satoru still refused to open up the slightest bit. And that hurts him so fucking much.
They were almost immediate best friends, and Suguru, even though he hated it, tried so hard to be honest and straight forward with Satoru. He didn’t want to fuck it up, because the fact is that he, never ever in his entire fucking life, had a friend as good with whose he was so close, as Satoru. Cherishing that bond so much, he forced himself out of his armor, out of that pride that ruined people trusting him and himself. And what did Satoru offered? He listened, comforted, cheered up… And he is a good friend, yeah, a really good one… and Suguru feels like a bad friend. He can’t cheer up Satoru when he’s in a bad mood, he can’t listen and acknowledge the things that made him had a bad day, he can’t even comfort him! And not because he doesn’t want to. He keeps wondering if he opened up to fast, if he talks so much about himself that Satoru doesn’t want to tell him anything, if he is too pushy, if maybe he still is that selfish prick that nobody liked in art school and even if Satoru secretly just tolerates him and that’s why he never confides in him.
Still kind of lost in thought, Suguru realizes he had been dozing off standing in his room for some minutes by now. Great, this sure is getting my shit together. He shakes his head a little too violently and inhales sharply, trying to organize his head. With a clearer (kinda) mind, he takes some plastic bags to take out all of the trash accumulated on the floor and begins cleaning up a bit. He finds the root of the stinky smell, some Kefir he left open far too long, already kinda moldy. After cleaning up, and feeling a little bit less hopeless, he packs up for the the library, if he skips, might make the best out of it, specially with the midterms already near.
The university has like six libraries, three for the science students, two for the humanity ones and one for the art ones; also divided by the faculties. He usually went to the science ones; the physics and engineering one when he studied with Satoru alone, or mostly the biology one, when they studied with Shoko. He feels like neither of them are a good option right now. He certaintly doesn’t want to see the white haired guy and seeing Shoko probably involves some sort of talk about them two, how they should sort it out, how he looks like shit, and he really isn’t in the mood for that kind of shit today. He knows that way of thinking is also… probably not okay, specially with Shoko, who just wants what’s best for them. He knows being in the middle of a conflict between two friends sucks, and he hates putting her in that position. But fuck, that certainly is not his fault, and with all the guilt he’s feeling about everything, he won’t feel guilty in this matter.
He arrives to the library, the psychology one; where students of psychology, anthropology, sociology and more, intertwine. Finds the perfect spot to rot in peace and starts to organize on his journal every assignment he has to catch up with and the midterms he has to study for. For his gratifying surprise, he doesn’t have that much work as he first thought, turns out that doing everything as soon as possible really pays off. He sighs, incredibly relieved, and starts getting on it. The first hour is rather pleasant, every theory comprehension comes almost easy and the conclusions are rather easy too. The second one is tougher, when he gets to his logic assignments.
He loves his career, he really does, and he almost enjoys every subject; sure, metaphysics is annoyingly abstract and redundant by times, philosophy of language is rather boring and semiotics gives him his fair trade of headaches… But if there is one thing he really hates, is logic. Logic is his literal nightmare embodied in a subject, abstracts symbols mixed with literal meanings, empiric statements and, worst of all, maths. He very much hates maths, as any valued art student, it was his worst fucking nightmare in high school, and he wasn’t that bad at it, but he needed to understand every procedure to be able to do it and it was a real pain in the ass. The last year he already went through it when he discovered that his anthropology class had a midterm exclusively reserved for anthropology statistics, and that included math operations he was unfamiliar with such as matrix. He almost had a mental breakdown over it, because at the start he really didn’t understand the slightest bit of it, but with Satoru’s help, he was able to pass the test with a fair grade of 85% and feeling grossly proud of himself.
At the verge of giving up after half an hour trying to understand and solve the very first formulation, Suguru’s head moves up from his papers when a figure sits right beside him and calls him.
“Yo, Geto. How’s studying the midterms going? You look kinda gloomy.”
Yuki Tsukumo, fourth year of sociology, they met last year. They shared some classes, basics of sociology and anthropology, they never really talked there but they acknowledged their existence. Then, they bumped into each other in a climbing gym outside of campus, Yuki approached him, she needed a spot to climb a difficult wall. They kept seeing each other to work out together and also became classmates on the few classes they shared. The friendship developed slowly but steadily.
“I’m losing my mind over the fucking Logic course, is hell on earth.” Yuki giggles. “I swear… how can a subject be so fucking tedious and hard? It’s making me miserable.”
“I am in fact not jealous of that math-arguing philosophy class, glad I never picked it up.”
“You could’ve?”
“Yeah, it’s an optional course on sociology, but I’m not a masochist.”
“I can respect that, but as a matter of fact, I didn’t have a choice.”
“Well, if you did have a choice, I know you would’ve taken it.” Suguru’s brow twitch.
“Are you calling me a dumb masochist?”
“Just the last thing.” Yuki teases, innocently enough.
“Fuck you.” Suguru narrows his eyes annoyed for a moment, then with his voice and expression softer and fondly : “It’s been so long. How’s fourth year going? Do you have a topic for your Final Degree Project?”
“Hell Geto, just stab me at this point.” They both laugh as silently as they can. “Well, I do have a topic, but this first stage of research and putting together the argument of the Project is going to be the death of me.”
“Well, I’m definitely not jealous of that.”
“Don’t be so eager, prick. You’ll have your moment next year.” Yuki adds annoyed, tilting hear head proudly.
Talking to an actual human being makes Suguru’s day better, his mood almost instantly brighting up and with a new renovated tad bit of hope to continue that fucking long day.
They talk for some minutes before continuing with their studies, Suguru his logic assignments and Yuki her research on her topic in the library, accumulating an indecent amount of books on their table. At 1p.m they decide it’s time for a pause and, actually, lunch time, so they head for a cafeteria.
“Do you mind going to the biology cafeteria? Choso is very busy with both the FDP and lab works, and I haven’t been able to see him much.” Yuki explains making some kind of dumb puppy eyes.
“Yeah sure, why not?” I really hope Satoru has lunch today with the frat, I don’t have the energy right now…
************************************
Satoru wakes up feeling like shit. Well, if you can even call it ‘waking up’, because he has slept less than two hours, almost for an entire fucking week. It’s so early in the morning, he has the time to sleep even two more hours, but he’s chewing on again and again about Suguru.
Before his conversation with Shoko, he didn’t give much thought into why Suguru hadn’t been responding him properly for some days and why they hadn’t seen each other. They had their lives, and besides, some days wasn’t a proper amount of time to get worried about their friendship, he was better than that. But the talk with Shoko was… Humiliatingly eye opening. He had screw up, in fact, he had been screwing up for some years now, it was ridiculous. Now Suguru had enough, and he had been full on ignoring him for two weeks. And he couldn’t even complain, ‘cause he had enough fucking reasons.
He tried reaching out, of course, but Suguru was deadass ignoring him, on the phone and in real life, he was almost hiding from him. The only thing he hasn’t done, was knocking on his fucking door, but he second guessed that would be a line very upsetting for Suguru to cross. So he decided to give him space. It was the fair thing to do, he supposed, if Suguru needed time and space to figure things out to maybe forgive him and give him a second chance, he sure as hell will give him that much. He was rightfully angry, so. He had been calling, though.
The first week after finding out, he called Suguru almost non stop at every opportunity he had. He also messaged him a lot, apologizing, saying they had to talk… He never picked up and he didn’t even open the messages. Then, he realized, Suguru might need space and I’m just being a pain in his ass. So he kept calling, but only once a day, usually at evening, to see if he picked up and ask if they could hang out and talk. It was also an attempt to seem interested in a more nonchalant way, trying to hide that he was only getting more and more desperate each day, and was losing his mind as well as his sleep.
This last two days, tho, he hasn’t called. Not even once.
The guilt was eating him alive. Maybe he fucked up so much that the damage was irreparable. Maybe Suguru could forgive him, but it’ll never be as it was. Maybe Suguru never really needed him, he was an honest guy, he could be himself with other people, very much unlike him, hanging out and partying with frat boys. Maybe he realized that Satoru wasn’t really worth it.
Well, if Suguru didn’t want him anymore, he wasn’t going to beg.
At 8 a.m, and after yet another failed attempt at sleep, Satoru takes a shower and gets ready for the day. He has two hours of lab practice at 8.30 a.m, then two theory classes of one hour each: Quantum physics and one of his favorites optional courses of the year, Astrophysics. He’s, for most of it, not really thrilled for the day, and running on two hours of sleep is safe to assume that todays lab work is going to be a walk through hell, specially during this weeks practices. They’re observing magnet fields, and the lab works they’re doing are mostly just preparing the field, sitting down and writing down the data the script says they do require. Is catastrophically boring. Even worse, the work is done by pairs, so Satoru has to sit down for two hours, trying to not sleep, with the boring partner they assigned him, sitting in an uncomfortable silence. Is also safe to assume, that running on two hours of sleep, taking notes on the theory classes is going to be tedious at the very least. Fuck, I might need a nap at some point to survive the day, I have basketball practice and some papers to work on this afternoon. He thinks while drying himself after the shower.
As suspected, lab practice almost get his soul, and he cannot fucking believe it when the teachers alarm rings all over the lab indicating that todays work was over. He then runs as fast as he can to the nearest cafeteria to get a coffee, caramel latte of course, and survive the long and complicated explanations that are about to come.
He, somehow, survives that morning and actually takes advantage of the theory imparted on the classes and makes good notes for the midterms. So he’s feeling a bit more optimistic and yeah, proud of himself, cocky even.
Shoko calls him at 1p.m.
“Yo, Gojo. You free?” As nonchalant as always. Might tease her a bit.
“For what? Are you asking me out Sho?”
“… You know what, I changed my mind, fuck you.”
“Aww come on bae. Tell me, wassup.”
“I’m on lunch break, but none of my friends are, so you’re my only option.”
“You don’t sound so excited about having lunch with me, am I such an ass?”
“You have no idea how much. Anyways, I’ll be on the biology cafeteria if you care to join me, brat.” And with that, she ends the call.
“Fuck, I don’t even get to say goodbye?” Satoru says defeated to the dial tone. He only gets the feeling that Shoko is getting increasingly annoyed with him day by day, after ‘Suguru’s incident’. He… cannot really blame her. He had been very much closed off with his friends, Suguru being the main victim of it, but he had known Shoko since they were very little… She must feel equally betrayed and annoyed with his refusal to open up, for years now. Still, she kept up with it a bit more, ‘cause she knew a lot about him, and she was very perceptive, reading him like an open book even when he tried to conceal every negative emotion. It wasn’t excusable tho. Both Suguru and Shoko were his best friends and he had just been pushing them emotionally away, with the lame excuse of avoiding those topics that made him want to peel his skin off.
With a brief sigh and a determination to make things right, with Shoko at least, for the time being, he makes his way to the biology cafeteria. He spots her quickly, on the queue, and he loses no time inserting himself right beside her.
“I expected a longer wait for mister busy man.” She says briefly, and kinda salty.
“I always make time for you. Besides, I’m already going to see some of the boys at practice today, might save myself some patience, I didn’t sleep shit.” Shoko sighs, disgust written all over her face.
“Seriously, I dunno how you put up with those guys, I get the feeling that you only hang out with them when you’re drunk and that’s how you tolerate them.”
“Well I mean… Kinda. But not all of them are trash, some are at least fun to be with.”
“That still doesn’t sound like friends to me.” She said bitterly looking directly at Satoru’s eyes. He tried to say something but she quickly interrupted him. “Whatever, you’ve been telling me all week that you had a shitty sleep, what’s going on? Guilt eating you alive yet?” Ouch. She was mad, actually mad, she really wants to twist the knife.
Satoru paused for a moment, looking absently at Shoko for some brief seconds before taking a deep breath. She was right, as always, and he already knew that.
“Yeah. Actually, yeah.” Shoko freezes, stunned, not expecting that answer, not in a million years.
“Oh.”
“Next in line!” The conversation was abruptly interrupted then, food was calling. They looked at each other with an understanding look and they resume to order their lunch. Shoko was having some baked salmon, a salad, an expresso and no dessert. Satoru ordered some pasta, chicken and a crème caramel for dessert.
Shoko looked at his tray with a disappointed look.
“You should eat more greens.”
“And you should quit smoking.” Satoru responded with that typical smug look on his face.
“… Fuck. Okay, we’re even then.” Shoko scoffed.
They were now looking around the cafeteria for a free spot to sit down and eat. It was unusually crowded, normally it would get crowder about 2p.m, not this early.
“… Gojo, you were saying before…”
“Ah, yeah. I’ve been chewing on i-“ Satoru stops mid sentence, looking at a specific spot on the cafeteria, but not a free one.
“You were chewing on what Sato-“ Shoko tries to resume their conversation before trailing her eyes to the spot on which Satoru’s gaze was fixated. “Ah, Geto.”
A million thoughts travel across Satoru’s mind as he watches Suguru. He looks happy and entertained having lunch with Yuki and Choso, but at the same time he looks exhausted. He has some pretty noticeable dark circles around his eyes, almost sharing the same shade of purple that his eyes seem to glow with around nighttime. He looks kinda pale, like he hasn’t got out of his dorm for sometime, and his plate sits almost untouched, unlike his companionships ones. Satoru worries. He knows those patterns, what they mean and how bad they can get. He wants to sit right beside him, interrogate him, share some of his food with him, maybe even embrace him in a silent knowing hug, sufficient enough to explain without words that he knows him and he is right beside him. But he just… stills. He just freezes on the spot, not knowing what to do, how to approach this, how to dissipate the tension hanging in the air stifling his lungs, piercing through them mercilessly. He doesn’t know if this is the right time… well, actually, he does know this is not the time. Suguru would probably panic, not wanting him there, maybe not wanting him at all, who knows. He would probably just be a nuisance in one of the few nice times he seems to be having. But at the same time… he hasn’t called him in two days, he doesn’t want him to believe that he simply does not care, because that isn’t true. Maybe he can sit sight beside him, pretend everything’s fine during lunch and then have a proper talk with him.
Shoko senses his conflict. She always does, she has known him for too long. She bumps slightly her elbow to his ribs, taking him back to earth and out of the loop he seems to be spiraling on. Satoru looks at her, his expression twisted in what seems like anguish, his breath hitched before the torment leaves his face, only leaving some traces of uncertainty on it.
“I’m gonna go talk to him. He has been ignoring me too.” Her tone determined.
“Then I’m gonna go with you too.”
“You shouldn’t.” A pause. They both look at each other defiantly, both trying to prove their point, both knowing who is really right.
“You call me to have lunch together to ditch me the very first second you can?” Satoru asks scathingly.
“We both know this isn’t about you Satoru.”
“It kinda is if I can’t-“
“Oh my god Satoru, you can, but you shouldn’t. Fuck. It’s just my advice, do whatever you want, but just because you fucked your friendship with Geto doesn’t mean you have to fuck mine too!” She spits out angrily. He looks at her more honestly than he has in years, hurt. She looks him dead in the eye, like she doesn’t recognize him anymore. She adds. “I’m also pissed, you know?” And her tone with that phrase, more than anger, is rather flooded in disappointment.
Suguru is looking at them now. Aware of the tension, aware of their argument. He’s astonished and his eyes are severely pierced in sorrow. Satoru lowers his head, incapable of looking at him, of looking at Shoko or really anyone right now.
“Yeah, I figured.”
“You figured?! You’re unbelievable.” Shoko’s really upset, like she hasn’t been in years. Maybe, ‘cause she really hasn’t, because she had bottled up those feelings and resentment for years. Because Satoru had pushed her to the edge.
“You have your reasons, I know that.” His voice a small thread, low and guilty.
“You bet I fucking do.”
“I just…” He hesitates. “I don’t know what to do.” His voice now barely a whisper, flooded in regret.
Shoko’s expression softens a bit. Still, her voice steady and with a cooled anger:
“Think for once in your life and put yourself together Satoru.” And she leaves for Suguru’s table, leaving Satoru alone, with only the unbearable companionship of his thoughts.
Satoru finds hurried a spot to eat alone. He eats quickly and absently, not even processing all the different flavors going through his mouth. He leaves the tray in a stand and almost runs for his dorm, wanting desperately to get a hold of some melatonin gummies and have a short nap to drown all of his thoughts away.
************************************
Suguru needed to talk with Shoko. At first he felt a wave of guilt gobbling him down as he saw, perceived and swallowed the tension between Satoru and Shoko. Her anger, his mortification, the hurt in his eyes… He felt as if he had gone wrong, that this was somehow his fault, that he had just broke a friendship worth years, and he was on the verge of sinking into that feeling until Shoko picked him up from the pit he had just thrown himself into.
“Long time no see, I missed you. How’d you’ve been?”
“Shoko I… You don’t have to.”
“I want to, and we’ll talk about that some other time. How’d you’ve been?” Shortly, simply, determined and fondly. She talked with that voice she used when she saw through him, as if she understood everything.
They talked a lot, about whatever, trivial things, and they enjoyed each other. Suguru had really missed her, he didn’t know about how much he needed to talk with her, he almost forgot how good of a friend she was. They engaged in conversation with Yuki and Choso, asking them both about their FDPs and how they were doing, also kinda curious about that big project they will have to do in a not so distant future.
After eating, Shoko walked with him to his dorm, talking about her classes, how she had practices on a nearby hospital on the afternoon… She never once talked about Satoru, about how she felt about him, about all this mess, if she was in a bad position, if she was done with them both… And right then, as if she could read his mind, she talks.
“I’m pissed at Gojo too. That wasn’t your fault and I’m not being forced to take any sides, I hope you know that Geto.”
“Shit, are you reading my mind? How are you so-“
“Intelligent, marvelous, great?” She adds smugly.
“Haha. Nah. Perceptive. That’s the word.”
“Well, actually having one of my best friends shutting himself up makes the work up.”
Suguru drops his gaze. All this time… He never cared to think about her. She feels the same way about Satoru, worse even, given that she had been friends with him for a longer time.
“I’m sorry. I just… I just assumed you were okay with him and ignored you for good. That’s definitely not cool, I’m truly sorry Shoko.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I… I guess that it kinda was a safe assumption. I may have good physical boundaries with him but emotionally… Well, those are the hard ones, so… I’m not gonna be so hard on myself either.” She pauses for a moment, hesitating.
“And?” Suguru says, eager for her next line on the topic.
“Look, I don’t wanna be a nuisance and influence your judgment, but I have an excuse. I know him since we were kids, I believe I understand given his past experiences why he is the way that he is. And that’s why it’s harder for me to be that mad with him… But at the same time, understanding him doesn’t mean he gets a free pass on everything, I just gave him too much room for him to get comfortable in his numbness act. I hesitated for a long time and he just got comfortable in not talking about feelings and himself.”
Suguru wants to say something, make a smart remark about what she said, maybe reiterate again that he feels the same way. But he has no words, she said everything that had to be said. And her experience was slightly different than his, but ultimately, they share the same sentiment.
“You look like shit by the way.” Suguru scoffs.
“Jeez, thanks Sho, that’s so kind of you.”
“It’s not meant to be a compliment idiot. I’m genuinely concerned.”
“Yeah I… I’ve not really been taking good care of myself these past weeks. Been kinda depressed. With all this, as you can guess.” Suguru thinks that Shoko might make a funny comment about it, maybe scold him, change the topic… That she might do anything to ease the weight of the situation, but she doesn’t. She looks sincerely at him, with pity in her eyes, and he feels like he’s going to throw up. He hates it, pity, he hates people pitying him. As if he is some kind of helpless victim, as if he wouldn’t hurt a fly, as if he was weak, fragile… As if some of the bad things that happened to him were just bad luck, as if he, to some extent, didn’t have a hand in everything that ever happened to him.
His expression hardened as those thoughts crossed his mind, offering then a blank expression to Shoko.
“I should study some more, I still haven’t figured out anything about the logics course.” Monotone voice making itself out of Suguru’s mouth as a twisted whisper.
The slight mood change and the indifference of Suguru’s tone takes Shoko by surprise. She immediately sees the strain on his joints, the forced poker face, the mask of apathy and regardless, the hurt on his eyes, black under the dim light of the dorms hallway. But she isn’t up for more fights, not today at least.
“I’ll leave you be then. Don’t overdo it tho.”
“No worries. Hope it goes well at the hospital.” And with that, Suguru opens the door of his room, ready to be consumed by the darkness of it, already drowning on the feeling, already trying not to give a fuck. But again, like some kind of miracle, Shoko pulls him out, just with some words.
“You should talk more too yk? That’s why you understand each other so well, even without words.” Suguru looks at her for a brief moment, acknowledging the truth. So our bond really was that kind of special? “I’ll be back about 8p.m, you’re welcome to come by and talk, or just be, whatever you prefer. But don’t go through it again, you’re not alone alright?”
And with that, and a fond smile, they say goodbye to each other and Suguru goes into his room.
It’s 9 p.m, Suguru should go out, get some dinner and freshen his head up, ‘cause at this rate, he’s not going to comprehend anything about the logic course if he keeps rereading the theory and the very first formulation he tried this morning. He keeps reading everything on circles, as if by some kind of miracle, at the 300th time he’ll understand everything. But he keeps trailing off at some point and he doesn’t know how the fuck to solve it. I’ve been stuck with this like… more than an hour. Fuck, I’m not gonna achieve anything at this point, not if I keep on like this…
Then, a bizarre thought, or that bizarre if you think of it, crosses his mind: I bet that fucker could solve this. “Tch” He scoffs, like a mad man alone in his room. That intelligent brat… A small smile starts forming on the edge of his lips, only to be hit by the reality of the bitter situation they’re in right now. Well, too bad I can’t ask him for help.
He gets up of his chair with violent impatience and the wish to stop everything for a moment, to have some peace and cool his head, he can almost feel it burning. So he decides to go out to the rooftop of the building for a smoke, ‘cause he’s not really hungry.
************************************
Satoru has an awful practice day.
First of all, yeah, he managed to sleep a bit before it, but it wasn’t a bloody good sleep at all. The gummies made him have a ton shit of delirious dreams, the dreams you get when you have a fucking high fever, those. And yeah, dreams, plural, and he felt like he had them simultaneously. So he woke up with a hell of a headache. Trying to ease the pain, he took some ibuprofen, only to be fucking pranked by it with a tummy ache next. (Because Shoko was right, and he ate a ton of bullshit for the past weeks.) So, the headache was very much gone by the time he got to the basketball court, but practice with an upset stomach was way worse.
Miraculously, he managed to not shit himself or throw up during practice, which would have been… humiliating at the very least. But it came with a prize, and he performed as badly as he ever had. So he had Naoya (the team captain) all over his neck, complaining every time he missed a hit, reminding him that he was slow as fuck today and asking “what the fuck happened to your reflexes?”.
By the time practice ends, 8 p.m, he feels even worse than before. His stomach doesn’t bother him that much, but he feels like a dead weight. He missed some of his teammates passes, his movements were sloppy as fuck and he didn’t even landed a single hit. Every one was giving him weird looks and Naoya looked at him with a new achieved level of disgust he didn’t knew about. Haibara was the only one that seemed worried.
After the torture that was practice, Satoru didn’t have the energy to face any of his teammates in the changing room neither engage with the silly pranks and talks that came with having a shower there. So he just stayed on the bleachers, seated burying his face on his hands, processing the shitty day he just had. Everyone must be done with changing by the time he is approached by Haibara, handing him a bottle of water in silence. Satoru takes it, trying to ignore Haibara’s worried face, he drinks it quickly, trying to avoid any kind of further interaction. Today isn’t his lucky day.
“You look kinda off today, everything fine?” He starts off slowly, to test the waters Satoru guesses.
“Yeah I… My stomach is not cooperating today, and I had a shitty day.” Brief but self explanatory, he hopes it’s enough.
“Damn, must’ve been awful during practice then hahaha.” They laugh awkwardly. He hopes again that’s about it. It’s not, and honestly, how could’ve? “We haven’t been hanging out for some weeks, u sure everything alright? Besides your shitty day.”
“Well, I’ve been stressed with uni things, u know. Midterms start almost next week.”
“Are having a hard time with any of the classes? Wow that’s very unlike you, you do everything last minute.” They laugh again, and now it’s real. He finds himself very grateful with Haibara’s ongoing and nice personality, the atmosphere of the conversation gets much lighter then.
“Geto’s having a hard time too? We also haven’t seen him these weeks either.” Fuck, of course.
Satoru hesitates for a moment. Is he having a hard time too? Well, very unlikely, probably is just that he is a more focused ,model, student than him. He can go with that.
“Don’t think so, he just must be busy with class work, papers and readings. He likes getting ahead and finishing early, you know him.” He thinks that is a very good answer, but Haibara’s face says otherwise.
“So you two had a fight?” Fuck, he obviously knows.
Satoru exhales deeply before answering. But he actually doesn’t answer.
“Shoko told you?”
“Nah, you just did.” He smiles smugly with that. “It’s also pretty obvious, I mean… Both of you out of sight, barely responding in the group chat, Shoko’s worried face when we ask about any of you…”
“Okay so… I’m an idiot.”
“Pretty much, y’all don’t hide it as well as you think so.”
A beat, even when the conversation has gotten heavier, Satoru feels lighter, every trace of tension is gone. They are friends, talking finally as such.
“So Suguru hasn’t talked to any of you as well?”
“Yeah, you both did the same thing. That’s also why we could tell.” Satoru nods. We really are alike handling this shit.
“Gojo.” He lifts his gaze from the floor to face the question that inevitably has to be asked. “What happened?”
“I… It wasn’t a fight fight yk. It was silent, building up for some time and… And it is my fucking fault to be honest.” Haibara doesn’t say anything, he stares at him waiting for the whole story. And Satoru, for once, tells it. “I’ haven’t been truly honest with him. Well, Shoko too. Hell, it’s very fucked up that I can’t be fucking honest with my best friends, right?” He waits for an answer, but Haibara is still just listening, and he doesn’t look like he wants to say anything until he finishes. “There are certain things which I avoid talking about. Things about myself, my feelings… All that shit. And with that, I hide it from them and I made them feel shitty, like I couldn’t rely on them, like I didn’t trust them… And none of that is true, but I made them feel like they were not my friends at all, just colleagues whose I had fun with. And they care so deeply about me that they probably are feeling like shitty friends, even when they know that I am the only shitty friend here… And initially the only one who was mad with me was Suguru. He just started ignoring me, rightfully so ‘cause he already talked with me about this and I didn’t do shit about it, for two weeks. But then I talked it out a bit with Shoko, and she was mad too which again, she has the fucking right to be. And we had a fight today because we saw Suguru, and she wanted to talk to him, ‘cause he had been ignoring her too. Because guess what? He thought that she would choose my side or whatever because we had been friend for much longer! So I am fucking sure that he just isolated himself these two weeks and it’s all my fault, because I made him believe that we were best friends and I didn’t behave as one! So Shoko is mad with me too, because she also cares about Suguru and she is a good friend, and she went to talk with him leaving me out of it because it wasn’t the place nor the time to talk, and she knew that I would blow it… And she was probably right.”
He takes a deep breath after the rant as he stares at Haibara’s stunned face. He slightly moves his mouth to try and say something, but he’s too far overwhelmed by the information that he closes it and tries to put his thoughts together before saying something inconvenient. Satoru speaks again.
“I-I… I don’t know what to do. I tried calling him, texting him… But nothing, and I don’t want to go see him when he doesn’t want to see me. And now I can’t come to Shoko asking for advice…”
“You should.” Satoru turns his head quickly to look at Haibara. “I don’t know if you should go to Shoko or Suguru first but… You can’t expect to fix something like this without having a talk.”
“Well yeah, but we already had some talks and I…”
“Yeah yeah, you didn’t give a shit because you didn’t think it was that serious, I know. But you said it yourself Gojo, they love you. Of course they are going to forgive you. You just have to make sure to don’t fuck it up again hahahaha. Can’t be that hard right?”
“Well but…”
“Stop making excuses. The truth is: I can’t do anything for you in this situation, you gotta do it yourself.” Satoru grumbles, looking embarrassed at the floor. “C’mon, use that confidence of yours!”
And he was so fucking right. Satoru had to face the consequences of his acts, he had to take responsibility, acting as a the good fucking friend he was supposed be, and apologize right.
But I am a fucking pussy, damn. I can’t go talk first with Suguru, that would be suicidal! Fuck, I depend too much on Sho, but I fucking need her advice on this. I’ll apologize to her and then ask her if now is the right time to go talk with Suguru. Yeah! That’s it!
8.20p.m. Satoru is catching his breath in front of the door of Shoko’s room. Shoko was waiting for Suguru to come, so she was laying on her bed without headphones or anything, just looking at the ceiling, thinking. As soon as she hears a weird noise outside of her room, she gets up and opens the door, only to be a little disappointed that her guest isn’t Suguru.
“Gojo, what are you doing here?”
“I- hahh- wanted to- hah- chat for a bit.” He says, out of breath.
“Hmm. Did you run all the way here right after practice?” Skeptical, not buying the nonchalant chat thing.
“Nah I talked with Haibara. I needed that, kinda cathartic. The point is… I came here to apologize.”
“Oh really? Hard to believe.”
“Sho! Damn I… I know I was a dick.”
“That’s an understatement.” Satoru almost hissed.
“‘Kay, fair enough. But I want to make things right.” Shoko sighs, they look at each other for a bit and Satoru understands that now is the time to explain himself. “You were right, about everything, as always haha. I… I’m so fucking scared, I’m having a great time here and… It almost feels like if I talk about the bad things, about the fucked up future that I don’t want… It’ll spoil all the good. And all I’ve been doing is hiding my feelings as if doing so is going to make it go away. And I didn’t want to tell Suguru about… My timeline and my parents because I don’t want to live the rest of my university life counting down the days and worrying about time as if my life is going to end, even when it kinda feels like that. So… yeah, shutting myself down was absolutely intentional, mostly because of this, because masking and pretending it doesn’t happens is easier that thinking this is going to end. But fuck, the deadline is sooner day by day, and I keep getting more and more anxious about it… I honestly don’t know how to even approach this. But I know, I know I don’t want to lose you. Both of you, you’re my best friends. I can’t imagine keep having fun these years I have left without you. And I’m sorry, ‘cause I made y’all think you were bad friends or something like that, when in reality I am the shitty one.”
Silence. They look at each other intensely, Satoru encouraged but scared and Shoko lost in thought. She opens her mouth slowly, frowning at the same time.
“See? That wasn’t that hard, right?” She smirks, playfully.
“Fuck you Sho, It fucking was.”
“HAHAHAHA ,c’mon, can’t I tease you a bit?” And she bursts out laughing, without any sign of stopping soon.
“You’re… A cunt, yeah, sounds about right.” She continues to laugh, harder even. “Oh my fucking god. I can’t believe that I opened up my heart and soul for you to just-“
But she hugs him then. Tight. Like she’s gonna lose something if she lets him go. He stops talking, the weight of his previous words hitting them. He hugs her back, reciprocating the strength, the warmth… They stay silent and still for a minute, giving the moment the space of it’s significance. After a minute, Shoko talks, without breaking the hug just yet.
“I almost thought you lost it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I… I sometimes mourn the old you. Maybe you hate him but you were… So sweet. And now… Sometimes you seem like those assholes of the frat that you hang out with.” He hugs her tighter.
“I’m sorry… I tried to act like them, a bit. Just… to forget. You know.”
“Yeah I know.” Shoko sniffles quietly.
“Are you crying?” Satoru scoffs, trying to laugh it off. They break the hug.
“No, you bitch. I missed you.” They smile at each other, fondly.
“Aw Sho, I was gone for just some hours.”
“You’re insufferable.”
“That’s my Sho!” They laugh. “I should go back to my dorm. I haven’t sleept well and I get the feeling that tonight I’m gonna sleep like a baby.”
“Yeah right.”
Satoru wants to say something, but he doesn’t. He just approaches the door and prepares to say good night.
“Are you going to talk with Suguru?” Shoko says after opening the door.
“Yeah, I will.” Dunno when but…
“You should do it as soon as you can. You should do it tonight as a matter of fact.” She’s serious, very serious.
“Naaahh… I’ll pass, need to sleep, and he needs it too. I’m not going to bother him this late.”
“You’ll survive, and he’s a night owl. He’s probably been having trouble with his sleep schedule too.”
“But I…” Satoru hesitates, what excuse does he have now?
“I know you’re smart, you’re smart to know that this is also eating Geto alive. And you need to fix that.”
He nods in acknowledgement.
They say their brief ‘good night’ to the other and Satoru runs straight to the boys dorms. Straight to Suguru’s room.
************************************
Suguru almost runs to the door, hurried and desperate to smoke and feel the night breeze in his skin, to reset himself and lock in again after that. He opens the door of his room in no time and kind of agressively. As quickly as he shoves the door inside, a body comes down with it, hitting the floor as the door is entirely open. Suguru can’t believe his eyes.
“Satoru?” The named one stands up in a flash, a shaken expression painted all over his face and a mix of excitement and fear written in his eyes.
“Hi! I… Sorry, you were going out? I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t spying on you, I swear!”
“I didn’t think that…” Suguru’s voice barely a whisper, shocked and also terrified for some reason. “But… what are you doing here?” A trace of hope, a dim light glowing in the dark behind Suguru’s eyes.
“You know I was just passing… Fuck that’s a lie, I came here to apologize… And I owe you an explanation so I was… hoping that we could talk. Maybe?” His voice almost steady, but the small tremble was perceived by Suguru.
“Oh…”
An awkward silence strangles the room. They don’t look at each other. Satoru’s eyes are trailing all over the room, avoiding Suguru and scanning the place, his right hand placed on the back of his neck, resembling the uneasiness of the room. Suguru is looking at the floor, frowning, organizing his thoughts; the doubts he’s been having for weeks, the questions he needs answered… Everything spirals over his head, even considering if he really wants to talk with Satoru, if their friendship is really salvable.
“So… Do you… have the time? I… I was just thinking outside of your door, I was going to knock eventually, I just wanted to made sure to find the right words.”
“That’s not the explanation that you owe me.” Their eyes meet again. Suguru is pissed, the unsureness of his previous gaze long gone. “Go straight to the point, I was just going out for a smoke, I need to go back to study soon.”
With that words, a lump settles in Satoru’s throat, but even as his pulse rises, his determination to talk only grows.
“Right, sorry. We can go talk while you smoke, if you’d like.”
“Okay.”
They get to the rooftop in complete silence, the atmosphere not awkward but tense, only the sound of their steps interrupting it. They continue in silence as they reach for a spot and Suguru lights his cigarette. He takes a deep puff and then speaks.
“So?” He’s not looking at him, again, and Satoru hates it.
“First I wanted to apologize for… Everything, truly. I know that’s not specific but, you know what I mean…”
“I don’t. Be specific.” Satoru can almost hear Suguru gritting his teeth, his frown is accentuating and his expression hardens. He’s not up for any bullshit, or any pussy behavior. He needs to be clear, that’s what Suguru deserves.
“I’m sorry for being a dick, for avoiding certain topics, for lying about how I feel… And pretending everything is fine as if you didn’t know me and wouldn’t sense my mood or whatever. Truth is, I’m scared about all that, and I thought that if I pretended it didn’t matter, it’ll go away. And of course, it fucking doesn’t.” Satoru takes a deeps breath, preparing himself to dress the elephant in the room but, Suguru interrupts.
“Is that all? That’s what you wanted to talk about?” Satoru looks at Suguru’s enraged face confused. He’s looking at him now, but he really doesn’t like that stare.
“No I also-“
“Save it, I don’t have the time.” Looking at him dead in the eye, he tosses his unfinished cigarette to floor and steps on it angrily. He only looks away to approach the rooftop door.
Satoru acts rapidly, gripping his arm, not too weakly but without causing any harm. Just enough to stop him.
“Stop, I haven’t finished.” Firm, resolved.
“Not interested.” He tries to escape Satoru’s grip, he can’t.
“Let me explain myself!” And pulls Suguru by his arm, forcing him to look.
“Leave me alone!” The grip breaks, Suguru turns around aggressively and Satoru looks at his face. His eyes don’t have that particular violet glow, they are glossy and darker than ever, he looks like he’s about to cry. Satoru freezes in his place, he tries to fathom why Suguru’s that upset, how much did he hurt him to act like this and look at him that way, as if he didn’t know him. “That’s all you been doing these weeks, right?” Suguru lowered his face as he said this. “Why can’t you keep it up when I’m actually asking for it?”
“Suguru…” He calls him painfully, as if doing so he’s aching.
“Don’t, just don’t… Don’t look at me like that. I never had that much friends, or friends at all. I don’t need you. And I, surely, don’t need your fucking pity. If you don’t like me as a friend leave me the fuck alone, and don’t pretend you care.”
As Suguru says this, a strangled noise leaves his throat involuntarily, almost like a choked sob. As Satoru hears it, he reaches for him to hug him tightly. Suguru melts immediately into the hug, wrapping his left arm into Satoru’s back, his right into his neck and hiding his face on the crook of his neck. He doesn’t exactly balls his eyes out, but he sobs slowly and quietly into Satoru’s neck - as if trying not to disturb- but hugs him like his life depends on it.
“Fuck Satoru, don’t-“
“Would you shut up for a bit?” It’s a command, but it’s carefully wrapped in warmth.
So they stay motionless and in complete silence, savoring the moment. The night breeze involving them in a calm chilly atmosphere, the particles hanging in the air making it smell like fresh grass and maybe a hint of gasoline from a parking nearby, but those aren’t the smells they’re focusing on. Suguru drinks up the smells from Satoru’s neck: minty, musky -on the sweet side- and sweat, but not acidy, just, neutral and cozy, like a neon sign telling him that he needs to stay there for a bit. Satoru has a naturally good sense of smell, so he immediately catches Suguru’s scent, mostly from his hair. It smells like smoke, coffee and tobacco; but he catches some notes from his skin, like cedar and a bit of sweat as well. As Suguru’s sobs ease, he strangles his grip on Satoru even tighter, and Satoru corresponds with equal force, embracing all his back in his arms.
Suguru’s breathing quiets down as he slowly pulls out of the hug, letting go completely, observing Satoru’s face as doing so.
“I’m sorry… I… Didn’t mean all that, I-“
“No. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you earlier and I should’ve started saying you’re the best fucking friend I’ve ever had.” Suguru opens his eyes in shock. “I know… I know that I didn’t behave as if I believed this statement, but it is true. The thing is… This is just temporary.” Suguru look at him in confusion. “I’m not gonna work as a physicist. Not right after college and not ever, not at all.”
“What? What do you mean?” The previous sadness of the moment before long forgotten and lost in confusion.
“I mean that, my parents won’t let me.” Suguru inhales sparky with the statement. “I’m the heir of the company and they only even let me study physics because… I never asked anything from them, not once, and when I was told that I could only study what they told me I had a full blown panic attack, so severe that I fucking passed out. So going to college is just a privilege made to let me have it my way these years, then be completely chained by the family responsibilities, drowned in their expectations and live an empty, superficial and cruel lifestyle.” Satoru’s tone grows heavier and desperate with every word. “I sure as hell don’t want that, maybe I would rather die than having to live like that… I… I don’t want to exploit anyone, I don’t want to give up physics and I don’t want to life my life running a company in a boring ass office with an Armani suit on. I just… want to look at the stars, man.”
“Satoru I… I’m sorry fuck, all this-”
“Hold on, let me finish.” His voice now on the edge of breaking, a familiar pressure arising on his ribcage. “I didn’t wanted to talk about it because I hated the thought of living my uni life counting down the days of freedom I had left. I wanted to seize the day, that was my thinking process. But on the path I just… Lost the way, I shut myself down and ended up being a failure of nonchalant nosy friend. Ended up being a shitty friend. And I almost lost the more beloved people that I have in my life.” Satoru exhales finally, done and with a remorseful look on his face.
“‘Toru…” And there’s nothing else to say. Suguru doesn’t have to say that he forgives Satoru. Satoru doesn’t need and explanation as why would Suguru try to push him away, why he thought that Satoru didn’t wanted him as a friend anymore. With them, sometimes, words weren’t needed, and right now, their eyes said it all.
They hug again. This time Suguru embraces Satoru’s shoulders and takes one hand to his neck, brushing briefly with his fingers white hairs of his nape. Satoru hugs his waist. This time the hug is shorter, but the meaning is as deeper than ever. Still hugging, Satoru talks.
“Emotional today, aren’t we?” Suguru separates from the embrace.
“Can’t you shut up for a bit? You’ve been talking nonstop since the beginning.” Teasing but without forgetting the meaning of the conversation, just trying to release the tension.
“Ohhhh. Okay. So you wanted me to talk about myself and now you complain? Got it.” Suguru giggles.
“It’s not that you brat.” They laugh together, almost syncing it. “Thank god you actually told me, Jesus Christ, I was losing my mind.”
“Oh really? I didn’t even noticed!” Sarcastically, obviously. Suguru raises an eyebrow.
“Very funny… Very funny.”
“Are you… Actually going to study again tonight?” I’m not that tired right now, might use the company.
“Fuck no. I’d rather not go back to that old house, I’m burnt.” He laughs at himself for even thinking about it before.
“The smiths, how poetic. Problems in heaven?”
“Yeah, the Logic course is getting under my skin.” Satoru nods in acknowledgement.
“I’d ask you about it, but it sounds like a conversation for tomorrow.”
“Indeed.” They laugh again, as if nothing ever happened. As if all their problems were long gone and weren’t coming back ever again. Because that’s how they felt at that moment.
“Wanna go to my room? I have some shitty yet delicious snacks and we can play video games after.”
“Hmmmm… what a tempting offer.” This time, really teasing. “Only if we can go to the roof again, I need like 20 cigarettes after this.” Satoru makes a pout.
“Okaaay… But first, food, I’m starving. And don’t smoke that much, only one. We have to sleep.” Suguru frowns a bit, but ultimately accepts it.
“'Kay”