Chapter Text
The last thing Nancy rememberers is volunteering as bait, the face Robin made when she saw her girlfriend, like she was already a dead body, the ache coursing through her body when the mind flyer tossed her to the ground.
When she woke up in the hospital, she recognized the warmth of robin’s hand holding hers.
“Holy shit nance!” Robin said, reaching for Nancy’s face and kissing her forehead “oh my god- oh my- Steve and the kids were just here, I, I need to call them and tell them you’re awake and-” She starts to stand from the chair next to the bed.
“Don’t” Nancy says, pulling her towards the bed “stay, please”.
Robin smiled “okay, I’ll stay” says softly , sitting on her chair and intertwining their fingers together.
They just stare at each other in a comfortable silence. Nancy just thinks she doesn’t deserve her, after everything she has done to the people she loves.
“It’s over” Robin breaks the silence.
“What?”
“It’s over” Robin repeats “he’s dead. We did it. You did it”
Nancy just stays quiet.
“You’re the bravest person on earth. You know that?” Robin says smiling “I’m so glad you’re alive”
The first thing Nancy felt when she woke up wasn’t relief. It wasn’t happiness. It was disappointment.
why should she feel happy that she is alive when she doesn’t deserves to be. She has killed people. She isn’t a good person.
She doesn’t deserve it.
𖦹°•
Months later, Nancy and robin were lying on Nancy’s bed, when out of habit Nancy reaches for her pain medicine and takes a pill, when she realizes.
Fuck.
She turned her head to see Robin, just to find her already staring at her with wide eyes.
She wasn’t supposed to see that.
“You said that your back was feeling better”Robin questioned her.
“Yeah but they make me feel calm, you know” ‘I can’t quiet my mind’ Nancy thought.
“But you’re not in pain anymore” Robin said with furrowed brows “those aren’t for stress, this is pain medicine”
Shit.
“I- I know, just-”
“-I don’t think you should be taking those pills anymore” Robin interrupted her.
‘Now she is worried about you’
Nancy scoffed “What? Now I’m going to become a fucking drug addict?”
“I- I didn’t say that. Just-”
“-you know what? You’re right” Nancy said as she stood up from the bed walking towards the trash bin next to her desk with a tight smile on her face.
Robin just looked at her with confusion and concern in her eyes.
Nancy opened the pill bottle and tossed the pills into the trash “See? I can stop, there’s nothing to worry about”
“I’m sorry, I- I’m just, I was just concerned. Those pills are really strong and, and you said that you were feeling better and-”
Nancy moved closer to Robin, being inches apart and kissed her to stop her rambling “you don’t have to worry about me, I’m okay” Nancy kissed her again “I’m sorry I made you feel like that”
Robin grabbed her waist and pressed their foreheads together “promise me you are going to tell me whenever you’re not feeling okay” she said in a tone barely heard.
“I promise”
“I love you so much” Robin said, kissing her.
Nancy felt horrible for lying. She knows she isn’t okay, obviously, but how could she explain the void she feels in her heart every time she is alone with her thoughts, the now more intense feeling of guilt she has been feeling for four years.
How could she explain to her girlfriend that the pills are the only thing that help her.
:::::::::::::::
Later that night Nancy shifted in her bed, unable to sleep, unable to ignore all the feelings buried in her chest.
She got up to her feet, walked to the trash bin and began to pick up every pill she tossed, glad that she threw the pills in her bedroom bin, where the only other things inside were a few old essays.
𖦹°•
Nancy unintentionally finds herself driving to the cemetery, walking towards a grave.
“Hi barb” Nancy said out loud “oh my god, this is so fucking stupid” she muttered. Her body isn’t even buried there, she is rotting inside of a fucking pool, all because of her.
“Sorry I haven’t come to visit you, I was sort of in a situation” she was now sitting on the grass playing with her necklace - Robin had gifted her when she came back home from the hospital -.
“He’s dead” she blurts out “the man who was responsible for your death” Who was she kidding? the only person responsible for her death was her and no one else.
“I broke up with Jonathan” Nancy said to shake that thought “I’m with a new person… a girl, crazy right?”
Nancy wonders what barb would think of her, they never really talked about these things ‘we were only kids’.
“she is so kind and beautiful and- god, so funny” Nancy laughed “she loves me, and I love her so, so much…” she said “I’m so scared, I think at one point she’ll realize how fucked up I am and she is going to stop loving me” Nancy admits.
‘You’re going to hurt her just like you did with barb’
“I’m sorry barb” Nancy said with a knot in her throat “I’m so sorry, I was such a bad friend, I regret climbing those stairs and leaving you alone everyday since” she was crying now “It should’ve been me. You didn’t deserve that, im sorry. I loved- l love you so much”
She climbed into her car and tears started streaming down her face, sobbing, her chest tightening, she is shaking.
‘It’s all your fault’
She reached for her purse taking the painkillers and swallowing one pill.
:::::::::::::::
Nancy doesn’t remember how she got home or even how she got into her bedroom. Everything is spinning, her mind won’t quiet, her whole body is shaking and her legs are giving out, she can’t breathe.
She remembers shooting those soldiers. They had family, a life, they were just doing their job. They were people, and she killed them all without having a second thought.
She searches for a bottle of whiskey she stole from her dad and swallows another pill with it.
“Nancy… this isn’t you”
“She was killed because of you”
“When I kill someone… I never forget”
“You’re the bravest person on earth”
The pills aren’t working. She can’t stop her anxiety, her guilt, the feeling of sadness inside of her.
She took another pill washing it down with the alcohol, as it burned her throat .
She keeps drinking until there’s no liquid left and her vision is blurry.