Chapter Text
Eddie woke up to neck pain, dehydration, and the piercing cacophony of someone trying to play yakety sax on their doorbell.
He groaned getting up from the couch, taking a moment to stretch out his muscles from sleeping on woefully inadequate lumbar support. They really ought to get round to picking out a new couch, they were long overdue an upgrade.
He peeked through the window in the door to find Sophia, who waved the bag in her hand at him and continued her unrelenting assault on his ears with a sickeningly mischievous grin.
He opened the door, peering behind her to check for Buck coming up the drive behind her.
He wasn't really expecting him to make it that easy.
"No Buck?"
She raised an eyebrow as she roved past him, putting her bag down on the couch and turning to him with a bitchy little frown on her face to ask, "Were you expecting Buck to come from my apartment at 7am in the morning? Doesn't he live here?"
Eddie sighed. Maddie's then.
"We argued. Last night. He left and didn't come back. Figured he might run to you."
Sophia shot him a frown as she unpacked her bag onto the coffee table, then said, "Yeah, I'm sure what he wants when he argues with you is an eye full of your sister."
Eddie closed the front door and turned back to her, shooting her a pointed look.
She sent him a sickly sweet smile back, then splayed her hand out on top of a pile of books she'd fished out of her bag, "These are for Buck. If he wants them. They'll never be worth a thing but I've signed them and highlighted a few of my favorite bits for him in case he might get a kick out of them, I don't know."
His eyes zeroed in on the books. Her books. Her words. For Buck but not for Eddie.
He swallowed and nodded, forcing himself to look back up at her, "I'll let him know. If he comes back."
Her eyes softened, "What happened?"
Eddie shook his head, shrugged, "The usual. I pushed until he pushed back. It's a pattern of mine."
Sophia shrugged and hummed in response, suitably sympathetic, "Don't think we ever argued. Not properly."
"No, you were too busy pretending I didn't exist."
She just frowned back at him.
She was still standing by the books.
"I didn't know you'd been published," he said, suddenly. Not by choice. His mouth decided for him. "You never said. All those calls on birthdays, at Christmas, you never said."
Sophia shrugged, looking down at them, just a bit too casual to actually be casual, "Didn't think you were interested. Could I have a drink?"
He almost snapped at her, a childish anger flaring in his chest. He caught it just in time.
This was familiar at least. She'd been this way since she turned twelve. Instead of engaging in an argument she would deflect: change the subject, pretend to be fine, go completely silent, whatever she could do to not answer a question. She'd withdraw and ignore it until Eddie snapped, until it was a one-sided argument with all the guilt that came with it then she'd clam up for so long that all Eddie would hope for is her to talk to him again, willing to avoid talking about the thing that had caused the argument in the first place, just to get his sister back.
He couldn't let her do that now. They were old enough to have this conversation without it coming to an argument.
He took a breath.
Time to be honest.
"I'm interested in everything you do, Sophia. You're my sister and I love you."
She looked away from him, twisting her mouth up.
"I know I don't say it and I know I don't show it but I do. I love you."
Sophia clenched her jaw, "I know that Eddie, but you've never asked."
That much was true. He'd never wanted to push it, to ask too much, to push her so far she could decide to sever their connection. The guilt from pushing too much when they were kids had dogged him all his life, bubbling under the surface whenever he talked to her. He knew what it was: he was scared of losing her permanently. He'd never wanted to push it too far. Her tolerance for being interrogated was low. Her living so far away, it would have been easy for them to never talk again.
It was different now. It would be harder to avoid him if she did react badly.
She only lived ten minutes away. Eddie wouldn't let her cut him off and she would relent in the end.
If she tried to cut him off, Eddie could stop her.
It was time for the hard conversation. Only fifteen years late.
"I know. I didn't think I could. I never apologized."
"I—" She started angry but paused as she processed what he'd said, then looked back up at him warily, "Apologized?"
"I went through your desk and you walked in on me reading a story you'd written. You were pissed. I was in junior year so you'd have been I don't know, maybe fourteen?"
A look of recognition rolled over her face but then she frowned again. "A— Apologized?"
"Apologized. It was on me. I knew you didn't want me to read it. As soon as I saw it. It was— I violated your privacy. I was doing what Mum did. Snooping in your stuff. I knew you hated people going through your things and I still— I'm sorry."
Sophia had started high school only a few months before, and she'd completely closed off. She was sitting through dinner in silence, holing up in her room when she couldn't go out. There were days he saw her more in the corridors at school than he did at home. He remembered the painful feeling of knowing he should know why, feeling like whatever it was she was hiding must be hurting her, that she needed someone to lean on, but he couldn't get anything out of her about it. He was just left with this insurmountable wall he couldn't scale.
Adult Sophia was standing completely still, watching him warily, like she was a prey animal waiting for a moment to run.
He wouldn't let her. Not again.
He sighed, tried to find the words to explain.
"You weren't talking anymore and I thought I might be able to figure out what was wrong if I could just— reach you. I don't know. It wasn't fair. You had every right to be angry with me."
Sophia's frown was just deepening the more he talked so he decided that was probably enough if he didn't want her to storm out and move back to San Francisco overnight.
She was silent for a long moment, long enough Eddie almost carried on trying to get through to her. Then she spoke. Carefully. Slow and precise. Practiced. Maybe.
"I forgive you. I forgave you. When we were kids. I don't— I've never held it against you, Eddie, I was pissed off initially yeah, but it lasted maybe a week."
"But I didn't— I never said sorry."
She shrugged, "I know. I could see you were though. I knew you pretty well, Eddie." Her face twisted with guilt as she added, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you thought I was still holding onto that. I'd have said, if I did. I don't— I didn't mean to— I just— You didn't ask. I didn't want to just— I don't know. Assume you cared?"
"I care," he said quickly. "I care. I want to hear it."
She nodded, twisting her mouth like she was trying not to cry, then said, "Okay."
Eddie crossed the room slowly, giving her a chance to back away, then enveloped her in a hug. She melted into it, squeezing him so hard he was sure she could break a rib if she tried. Maybe the fancy gym up in the hills had some merit.
"I love you," she murmured into his shoulder, "You idiot."
Eddie chuckled and pressed a kiss into the top of her head, like he used to when she was small, "I love you too."
She pulled back and put her hand back on top of the pile of books, "Um— You can read these, if you wanted to."
"Thank you," Eddie said, pulling back. "I will."
"Okay." Her face did something complicated, then she added, "Don't get all weird if you hate them. I don't want to hear it."
"Noted," he said quickly. "I'm sure I'll love them."
She waggled her head as if she wasn't sure, then shrugged, sent him a wicked smile, "You can keep them if Buck stays all bent out of shape. I'll get him his own."
God, Buck. He'd forgotten. Just for a moment. Where this had started.
"Hey," Eddie said, frowning, "Don't say that, it was me. It's not his fault. He's right to be upset."
Sophia held up her hands in surrender, laughing and moving off into the kitchen. Eddie followed.
"No, Sophia, I'm serious. You can't— you have to support him through this stuff. You can't just leave him hanging, he doesn't— He needs people who've got his back. I know you're still figuring him out but please? For me. Can you take this seriously? Check in on him?"
Sophia raised an eyebrow as she rooted through his cupboards looking for a cup, back to taking what she wanted without asking, "Why? He's lovely but if you're arguing I'm on your side."
"What? Why? You don't even know what I've done."
She shrugged, "You're my brother. I threw a diaper at your head once." (Adi's, it had been truly disgusting, Eddie had struck it from his memory as best he could), "As long as you haven't killed someone or anything I'll always be on your side," She looked up at the ceiling briefly as if she was thinking, then nodded and added, "Actually probably then too."
Eddie's heart warmed a little, then he thought of Buck.
Buck needed someone who would be by his side when he was going through something. Loath as Eddie was to admit it, Buck was better at processing things than he was. When he had the space he needed. He worked through things himself, faced things head on. He just needed the space to do it, needed to trust that his partner would still be there when he was ready, needed to know that time wasn't going to run out on him while he was still processing. That he had someone to rely on.
"Sophia, it's not a joke, if you're doing this you have to support him, he needs someone who is all in."
Sophia frowned, twisting her body to look at him while she poured herself a drink of Eddie's OJ.
"What do you mean 'all in'? All in on what? He's my friend, I'm not like obsessed with him," she laughed, "Been there, done that."
Friend. Friend?
She pulled the freezer open, rooting around as if it was her own, "Do you have any ice lollies?"
Eddie blinked, "Bottom drawer, Chris says they get colder down there."
She pulled one out and did a happy little wiggle.
There was a spark of hope in Eddie's chest wriggling in kind.
"Friend. You said 'friend'. You're just— You're just friends?"
Sophia shot an unimpressed look at him as she licked her popsicle, "Of course. Why? Did you think I was making moves on your boyfriend?"
A thick buzzing sounded in Eddie's head.
"You think Buck's my boyfriend?" he choked out after a moment.
"Is he… not?" Sophia asked, “You live together. You share a bed."
"No. We aren't— We haven't— Sophia. You thought we were dating?"
She waggled her head, "Eh. Sort of. I kind of thought you were doing that thing you do where you wait for the other person to make a move before you make yours." Her face flattened out suddenly and she looked back at him, "Wait, Eddie. Ew. Did you think me and Buck were dating?"
He nodded, a little dazed. He was going back through every instance in his head, searching for some evidence she was lying.
Most of it could be friendly. Close friendly, yes. But—
"You— You asked him out to dinner. The day you moved in."
She scoffed, "Well, yeah. He's your best friend. And you're in love with him. Did you think I wasn't going to try and get to know him better?" She shot him another unimpressed glare, "He talks to Tia Pepa all the time, do you think they're dating?"
Eddie shook his head, pulled a face.
Sophia laughed, "Hey, don't be rude, Pepa's a fox, she could pull a Buck if she tried."
That was not an image he needed right now. Or ever, actually.
Sophia laughed at him, then threw her popsicle stick at him when she thought he was distracted. A stupid game from when they were kids. He dodged it, just about, and she boo'd when he scooped it up and threw it back at her. She fished a second lolly out of the freezer stash.
She glanced over at him as she unwrapped it, "You thought I was dating someone you're in love with and you didn’t say anything? Why?”
Eddie wasn't sure how to answer it without it sounding sad.
“I— You seemed happy.”
Her face softened and she took a small step towards him, put her free hand on his cheek, “Edmundo, you moron. I am happy." She clapped her hand on his face and walked past him into the living room, calling back, "You do know you’re allowed to be happy too? Our parents can't have beaten it out of you that bad."
Eddie sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. They'd largely been avoiding the subject of their parents. Every time they'd come close, he could tell there was an undercurrent of displeasure, that she didn't want to talk about them at all, and he'd backed off. If they did talk about it, it wasn't going to be pretty. Maybe it was necesary.
"They're not that bad."
She screwed up her face, doubt and dislike all over it.
"They suck."
Eddie sighed.
"They did their best, Sophia. It was tough on Mom, Dad being away all the time."
"So? Those were still choices that they made, Eddie. Dad chose to be away all the time, Mom chose to treat me and you like shit and Adi like a golden baby child who could do no wrong. Why are you arguing with me about this?"
"She got us through it, didn't she? We turned out alright. They stepped in with Chris when I needed them."
"Oh, yeah, sure. They stole your son to get a do-over," Sophia snapped. "Parents of the year right there.”
Eddie blinked, then frowned. That… wasn't where he thought they were going.
“They didn’t— They didn’t steal my son.”
Sophia rolled her eyes, chomping down what remained of her second popsicle with her teeth. Eddie winced.
She pointed at him with the stick, gesturing from side to side as she said, “They came to your house and took him back to Texas, without you, to a place you never wanted him to grow up. How else were we meant to interpret that, Eddie?”
"It's not as simple as that. He asked to go. He was upset. I messed up, upset him."
Sophia scowled, "So? Do you think Abuela would have taken us in if we'd asked when we were kids? You think Abuela would have, under any circumstances, shown up on our doorstep and brought us back with her to LA?"
"That's not fair, Sophia."
She ignored him and kept talking, still waving the popsicle stick from side to side. He tracked it warily.
"Taking him away from you was not a solution and no one else we know would have done it. No one no matter what they'd done, no matter how hard we'd've begged, and you know that so why are you defending them?"
"They're our parents."
"And they suck," Sophia snapped, hard and mean. She clicked her tongue, "And you know that. Again, why are we arguing about this? You ran away to die in Afghanistan to get out of that house."
“It wasn't— I didn't run away. I had to go, Sophia. I had to. I couldn’t— I had to figure out a way to make money to provide for Shannon, for Chris. The medical bills alone were crippling us.”
She scowled, her eyes rolling angrily. He almost missed the deflection. Almost.
“So get a job at a gas station. At a corner shop. In an office. The army was a choice, Eddie. You made a choice. Everything you did, and everything our parents did, was a choice. And until you can see that you’re never going to learn. You chose to run off to fight a war that wasn't yours, you chose to leave Shannon behind in that house, and then you chose to run after her to LA and leave Adi behind, alone. And then, all these years later you chose to let them take your son away from you."
She huffed an angry little noise, then threw the second sticky ice lolly stick of the day at him. This time he didn't shift fast enough and it bounced off his arm.
"Stop doing that."
She kept going as if it hadn't happened.
"Every choice you’ve ever made has been in this insane state of panic. You float through your life figuring it will work out, and when it doesn't you freak and make stupid decisions. You never make a choice for you. You have to start making your own happiness, Eddie.”
Eddie frowned. It was an oversimplification at best, a damning assessment at worst. He rubbed at the sticky spot on his arm.
“I— I brought Christopher home, didn't I? Came to LA in the first place.”
She rolled her eyes, “I'd argue you did both of those for Christopher as much as for yourself, but okay, sure. Name anything else.”
He couldn't think of anything. Nothing big. Nothing like the kind of decisions she was talking about. Except—
“I asked Buck to stay."
He'd been looking at places, had almost put his name down on one on Sunset which was… nice actually, but Eddie hadn't wanted him to go at all. He'd wanted him to stay, living with them, so he'd asked him to. Roped in Chris to make sure he would.
When they first came back from Texas, Buck had been alight with joy, but then as the weeks wore on he'd dimmed and started talking about moving out, finding a place of his own. Eddie had felt this bone-deep desperation for him to stay, to keep him with them, safe and happy and theirs.
He'd ambushed him with a family dinner, having Abeula and Pepa round for dinner, then coasted the good feeling into asking him to stay. Buck had faltered, unsure, and Eddie had played his trump card: Christopher.
There'd been a heart breaking moment when Eddie thought Buck might still say no, might choose to go anyway, but then he looked back at Eddie with so much love in his eyes that he'd known then they'd managed to persuade him.
All the fight blew out of Sophia in a flash, he could almost see the material existence of her anger ball up and float away.
“Okay,” she said slowly. “Good. Now work at it. Make it good. Make your move. If Buck means that much to you, stop arguing with him about nothing.”
“It’s— It's not nothing.”
Sophia rolled her eyes, and groaned.
“Eddie, fuck. I’m not trying to get involved in your relationship but Jesus, this midpoint where you’re not nothing but you’re not anything is kind of dumb as hell. Will you please for the love of all that is holy, just kiss the man.”
"Uh—?"
Christopher. Standing suddenly under the arch to the dining room, looking for all the world like he'd rolled out of bed seconds ago, leaning heavily over on one crutch.
Sophia stretched her head over the back of the couch and waved, casual as anything, unphased by her nephew's sudden appearance, "Hey Chris."
"Hi Tia," Chris replied automatically. Then he stared at Eddie, "You want to kiss Buck?"
Oh God. This wasn't— This was not how this was meant to happen.
"I— Yes. Yeah. Is that— okay?"
Chris shrugged, and turned back to the kitchen where he'd obviously come from, "I guess. If you don't fuck it up."
"Language, Christopher."
He rolled his eyes, and turned to go back into the kitchen, "I just wanted to know if you guys wanted coffee."
Sophia hopped up from the couch, patted Eddie's elbow, then wandered after Chris saying, "I'll take a coffee from my favorite nephew any day."
In the kitchen he heard Chris offer a snippy response about being her only nephew.
Eddie stayed, left them to it.
He didn't care. Chris didn't mind. Eddie hadn't really thought he would but hearing it for definite eased something inside him. He'd caught him looking between him and Buck a few times, curious, suspicious maybe, but there had been a part of him still terrified that Chris wouldn't like it. Now he knew that wasn't true.
And they weren't dating! Sophia and Buck weren't dating at all.
This whole time Eddie had been tying himself in knots over Buck just trying to get to know his sister. God. He could see it so clearly now. Buck never did anything by halves. All the errand running, fixing Sophia's car, taking her to Ikea to make sure she had everything she needed? It was all classic Buck. Earnest to a fault and always on hand to help the people he cared about. He'd expanded his love for Eddie and Chris onto Sophia and Eddie had— he'd made more out of it than he should have. Thought it was more than it was.
He thought of Buck's crushed face as he was leaving the night before, the careful way he'd spoken, so desperate to understand what he'd done wrong, so crushed when Eddie shut him down.
Guilt swelled.
He had to fix this.
No more assumptions, no more arguments, no more letting things run their course.
Eddie was going to choose.