Chapter Text
“Jimin-ah, you’re a fucking idiot.”
“I know, thanks, hyung.”
Jimin averts his eyes in shame, unable to look at Yoongi as he recounts what went down three days ago, first at Jeongguk’s apartment, then at his. He stabs his fork into the piece of cake sitting on the plate in front of him repeatedly instead of even considering eating it, too caught up in his thoughts.
“Be careful with that plate, Hoseokie had me paint it on our first date,” Yoongi scolds softly, setting down his own fork with a clankering noise.
“Right,” Jimin groans, “Sorry to disrupt your perfect relationship with my unfounded aggression.”
He’s being harsh, he’s aware of that. He’s grateful that his hyungs are there for him– Yoongi sitting down with him to offer advice and comfort while they’re eating the strawberry cake Hoseok had made with the sole purpose of cheering him up. It’s just… Jimin is so embarrassed, so ashamed of how he acted, how he failed as a dom and friend, how he confessed his feelings in the worst possible way.
“No relationship is perfect,” Yoongi explains, not even slightly thrown off by the comment, “You know that. You also know what you did wrong, and how you can make it better again.”
“Mhm,” Jimin hums a little stubbornly, putting down his fork as he begins to genuinely worry about harming the wonky Kumamon that is painted on the plate. It’s smiling up at him, both creepy and encouraging, making Jimin sigh.
He had spent three whole days locked inside of his bedroom, doing nothing but crying, being angry himself, and going over his interaction with Jeongguk over and over again. What followed was a whole retrospective treatise of everything he’s ever said and done to Jeongguk, his reactions, his responses– Jimin was at a point of losing his mind when Hoseok had finally knocked on his door and dragged him over to their place.
So here he is, hair tied up in the messiest ponytail of his life, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, no make up, chipped nail polish. He looks and feels shitty inside and out, but he doesn’t really deserve anything else, does he?
He hurt Jeongguk, betrayed him, burdened him with… all of this, and then let him leave without saying a word, without contacting him. Not texting, not calling, not leaving his apartment, it’s all so easy. Way easier than reaching out again, way easier than actually admitting his wrongdoings, telling Jeongguk the whole truth about how he’s been feeling, about how downright terrified he is to have fucked up everything.
Talking to Yoongi is somewhere in between.
He’s helped Jimin a lot in the past, has become his mentor of sorts, the person he is closest to right after Jeongguk, the one he can confide in. Because Yoongi possesses an attribute none of Jimin’s other friends have: brutal honesty.
“Keeping your feelings from him– and me, by the way– was bad for you as a person and dangerous for your dom/sub relationship, Jimin-ah, but it is what it is,” Yoongi goes on, thrumming his fingers against the wood of the kitchen table.
“Do you know why he reacted the way he did when you confessed, when you apologized?”
Does he? Not really, he supposes. Jimin knows he tends to apologize a lot, but usually, it would help, Jeongguk would accept every sorry with a comforting smile on his lips, and it would make Jimin feel whole again. When Jeongguk told him to stop the meaningless apologies, it had hit him harder than he thought it would, because they’re not meaningless, he’s truly sorry, but what is he supposed to say if not that?
“I… I’m not sure,” Jimin admits, playing around with his rings.
“Okay, so that’s where you should begin,” Yoongi decides, taking a sip from his coffee.
A short break, then,
“Why do you think your very existence warrants an apology?”
Jimin chokes on nothing, doesn’t have the excuse of cake or coffee going down the wrong pipe as he starts to cough in shock, his stomach dropping at the casual way Yoongi asks the question. He can feel himself enter fight or flight mode within seconds, barely having the time to notice and deescalate it, that’s how fast the panic wells up in him.
“W-What do you mean?” He knows what Yoongi means, knows that this is a problem of his, but somehow, he still wants to wave it off, and wants the conversation to go in a different direction. This should be proof enough that this is precisely what he should be talking about.
“Jimin-ah, it’s fine,” Yoongi mumbles with an almost-smile, “You don’t have to go into detail with me, but I’ve known you for a while, I know you apologize for everything as if ‘sorry’ is a magic word that relieves you of all your burdens.”
“It’s… I… If I’ve done something wrong, of course I’m gonna apologize,” Jimin tries, bravely raising his head again to look at Yoongi, “That’s just polite.”
“Are you? Is it?” Yoongi only questions, not even offering anything else, just staring at Jimin with raised brows, doubt apparent in his face.
Jimin doesn’t feel like Yoongi wants an actual answer to these questions, just wants him to reflect on his behaviour, which is arguably more annoying. He just can’t help it, the urge to apologize lives in his ribcage, cuddles up close to his heart every chance it gets, infests Jimin’s blood at its very source and lets itself be pumped through his veins until he’s filled with guilt. It’s how things are, how he is, but that’s his problem, isn’t it? Why would that even bother someone else, how would it hurt Jeongguk enough to get angry at him like that?
“I’m sorry a lot,” Jimin confesses, dejected, eyes focused on something behind Yoongi, the magnets on his fridge, perhaps.
“Unwarranted,” Yoongi adds for clarification, and Jimin is grateful because he can just nod along.
“Have you ever considered that Jeongguk doesn’t see you the way you see yourself?”
Another hard question, which annoys and comforts Jimin at the same time. This is why he talks to Yoongi about this, he always seems to know just what to say to have Jimin think over everything, have him reconsider and ponder about things he’s never imagined before.
How does Jeongguk see him? That’s something only he can respond to, Jimin could turn the question over in his mind all day and not get to the actual true answer to it. But whether he sees him the way Jimin sees himself… That’s actually a little easier, because Jimin thinks Jeongguk could never be this cruel to another person.
“He probably doesn’t,” Jimin shakes his head slowly and adds quietly, “I hope he doesn’t.”
Jimin doesn’t particularly hate himself, he wouldn’t go that far, he’s just… harder on himself than he should be, even though it feels like the only right way to treat himself. He knows he can do better a lot of the time, can be stronger, can be more helpful, and so he pushes himself to achieve the closest thing to perfection he can reach– is that so wrong?
He just wants to do well in life, wants to be a good person, a good friend, a good dom, but it seems like he wanted it so much that he ended up being the exact opposite. Jeongguk is such a natural sub, gives himself over easily and beautifully, and Jimin had been determined to carry him, hold him up and let him bask in the bright light he so happily floats in. But Jimin had fucked it up, terribly so, and he knows why. That doesn’t make it much easier to admit, though.
“You hold yourself to impossible standards,” Yoongi sighs, the rhythm of his fingers against the table slowing down as he notices it stressing Jimin out, “And like that, you push people away, even though you wanna achieve the exact opposite.”
“Funny how you talk about pushing people away, hyung,” Jimin comments dryly instead of acknowledging what he said, because he’s right, of course.
It’s a hopeless trembling in his chest, the knowledge that wanting to be strong and perfect is the very thing that has people drift away from him, has Jeongguk feel like his apologies are meaningless. But he supposes it’s true, the words do lose their meaning after countless repetition, no matter how sorry Jimin actually feels. There are tears prickling at his lower lashline, but he doesn’t feel like he can actually cry again, his body way too exhausted, defeated.
“Please, Jimin.” Yoongi crosses his arms and glares at him, tired eyes stern. “It’s okay to not do well all the time, it’s fine if someone is upset by something you do, you just have to talk it out if that person is important to you.”
“Jeongguk is everything to me,” Jimin immediately hurries, even though Yoongi didn’t ask that, didn't imply otherwise. He just feels the need to say it, he’s kept that truth hidden away inside of him for way too long anyways, for longer than this whole thing between them has been going on– which is partially why he feels this shitty about letting it all happen in the first place.
“I really shouldn’t have had sex with him in the first place.”
There he goes, saying stuff he doesn’t actually believe in again. What if they never had sex? Jimin would still have feelings for his best friend, albeit from a distance, and he’d continue to date absolute assholes who disrespect him. He would have never learnt how delightful Jeongguk is during sex, how beautiful he looks in his hands, how he’s everything he is in life already, stretched to the maximum– Caring, eager to help, cute, funny– God, Jimin has to stop thinking about him in detail, or he might actually start crying again.
“Is that what you told him?” Yoongi questions, then, eyes widened slightly as the crease between his brows deepens.
“I– Maybe? I think I might have…” Jimin thinks out loud, mentally going over the conversation again. “But he was probably thinking it, wasn’t he? Seeing me like this, he must have regretted it.”
Yoongi groans and lets his head drop towards the table, almost face planting right into the remains of his cake. There’s a dull thud when Yoongi slams his hands against the wood instead, making Jimin flinch. The noise also attracts the attention of a certain four legged creature that comes speeding into the room, meowing loudly as he checks on his owner.
“I’m fine, Tangie,” Yoongi mumbles, turning towards the cat and petting his head, “You should check on Jiminie instead, he seems like he’s actually hit his head. Hard.”
“I–” Jimin wants to protest, but then, Tang comes stomping over to him, cranes his little head up with a loud meow, and jumps on Jimin’s lap, purring even before Jimin has the chance to pet him.
Hesitantly, Jimin holds his hand up in front of the cat’s face, letting him sniff and rub against it before Jimin begins to slowly stroke over the dark fur. Tang is soft and warm in his lap, curling up on top of his thighs as if he’s done this a hundred times before, seeming very happy and content to be where he is.
“Hyung, why..?” Jimin looks up at Yoongi, all thoughts of guilt or sadness temporarily forgotten as he focuses on Tang’s belly rising and falling with relaxed breaths.
“One of his dads is a psychology student,” he shrugs, smiling fondly, “Tangie likes to eat his notes and absolve the knowledge.”
Jimin doubts that that’s how it works, that the cat has learned anything but stomach aches from chewing on Hoseok’s study notes, but he can’t say he minds Tang’s presence and the way it makes it a little easier to sort his thoughts.
“So… you think Jeongguk doesn’t regret having sex with me, which makes me an absolute asshole for saying we should have never done it, right?” he realizes, biting his lip.
“Yes,” Yoongi chuckles like it’s obvious, “Did you even notice how good this whole thing was for him? He really had his fun, and you two grew even closer outside of power play and face fucking or whatever you did.”
“Hyung!” Jimin gasps in offense, “Not in front of the baby!”
“Tangie doesn’t mind, he spends all day with me and Hoseok, he’s probably better at kink negotiation than you are, at this point,” Yoongi shrugs, taking another sip of his coffee, which is so black, Jimin wonders if he’s some kind of masochist alongside everything else he’s into.
“My point ultimately is this: Jeongguk probably likes this relationship more than you think, likes you more than you think as well, and it’s not fair of you to decide he doesn’t just because you feel like you fucked up some stuff. Of course you’re not a perfect human, or a perfect dom, you’ve told me about feeling insecure sometimes– And I told you to tell him.”
That he has. Weeks ago, when Jimin first started getting these thoughts of doubt– Suddenly freezing up in the middle of sex, if only for a couple seconds, staring at Jeongguk’s face. Whenever he slipped, he looked so blissed out, face open and vulnerable, baring his entire self for Jimin… It was good, great, even– But it was also scary.
He should have not let his fears get the best of him, should have told Jeongguk, but he’d felt silly for it. It was his job to catch Jeongguk, to care for him, to hold him up, make him feel good… Usually, it was a type of responsibility Jimin liked and could deal with very well, but usually, his sub wasn’t his best friend who he was also in love with, so maybe he should’ve seen that coming.
“I know we should have talked. Hell, he knew, and tried it too, a bunch of times,” Jimin recalls, thinking back to when Jeongguk came to him, face twisted in an adorable attempt of a serious expression, asking him to talk about their relationship. Like the coward he is, Jimin had brushed over the whole aspect of feelings, already feeling guilty because of the fight Jeongguk had had with Taehyung.
Everything will be fine, he had said, already knowing it was a lie. He had blindfolded and fucked Jeongguk later anyways, because no matter how much it hurts him, he can’t ever deny Jeongguk anything.
“Okay,” Yoongi says, clapping his hands, making Tang flinch briefly, Jimin’s hand immediately doubling its efforts in soothing the cat, “We are getting caught up in ‘should have’s again, let’s transition to ‘should do now’.”
“You spend too much time with Hoseok,” Jimin groans, rolling his eyes as Yoongi guides the conversation in a way that reminds him of his therapist-to-be boyfriend a lot.
“I spend just as much time with Hoseokie as I should, thank you very much,” he simply shrugs, picking up his fork to eat the last crumbs of his cake, “You should be grateful I’m sharing my great wisdom with you.”
“I am,” Jimin nods, serious again, hand slowing where it’s petting Tang, “I just don’t know… If I’m ready to talk about what to do next, I still feel bad about how I handled it and what I said, and I don’t know if Jeongguk even wants to see me–”
Yoongi drops his fork, empties his cup of coffee, and shoots him a stern glare. “Jimin-ah.”
“Right.” He inhales deeply, pushes a few strands of hair out of his face, and tries to straighten up a bit, “It won’t change anything if I beat myself up about it any longer, I know what I did wrong and how to avoid it in the future.”
“Very good.” Yoongi says with a smile, a genuine one, gums visible as he nods approvingly.
“Don’t praise me,” Jimin scolds jokingly, raising an accusatory finger.
“Maybe you’d actually benefit from a little praise every now and then,” Yoongi thinks out loud, scanning Jimin’s face, considering something Jimin has no capacity to think about right now.
“This is not the moment I’ll let you dom me, hyung, we’ve talked about this.”
“Who said anything about that?” Yoongi asks innocently, cracking his knuckles absentmindedly, “I just think you need to hear a few nice words and get some cuddles more often. I’m sure Jeongguk would love to provide you with both.”
“First of all, I need him to forgive me,” Jimin sighs, scratching Tang’s ear gently, earning a happy meow, “Or like, get back into contact with him and explain stuff.”
That’s as far as he’s willing to think right now, really. The future of their relationship has scared him the moment it all started, the moment Jeongguk first offered to have sex with him– he already thought their friendship was done for back then, and with every wall they tore down between the two of them, Jimin’s fear had grown. He couldn’t stop, though, sex with Jeongguk was too good, Jeongguk seemed too happy, and Jimin had silently prayed it would just stay the same way forever.
But sometimes, late at night, lying next to a softly snoring Jeongguk, their legs intertwined, Jimin would allow himself to dream, imagine their relationship developing further, becoming something better defined. He’d dream of actual dates, affection in public, putting a name to this thing they have, and he’d dream of Jeongguk’s moaned promises of being his becoming the truth and not just something he said during sex simply because it was hot.
Most of the boundaries a classic friendship had were already broken a long time ago, the two basically existed as one, but there was a hurdle of vagueness between them, upheld by the uncertainty of their feelings. Jimin had confessed now, but whether Jeongguk feels the same, wants any of these things from him, he doesn’t know.
For a long time, Jimin didn’t want to know, subconsciously, he realizes. It was safer the way it was, because it allowed Jimin to dream, to lose himself in pretend, which had no impact on their reality. There was no possibility of rejection, no possibility to betray Jeongguk like this, but that is over now. Jimin will have to be completely honest, there’s nothing left to hide, and he owes Jeongguk the whole truth. He has a right to know all about Jimin’s insecurities and fears, if he decides he is worth his time.
“You still there?” Yoongi interrupts his thoughts softly after a while, suddenly standing right in front of him, reaching for the plate of hardly touched cake in front of him, “And are you gonna finish that?”
“Oh, right,” Jimin breathes out, remembering where he is. He throws the cake a quick glance, remembers Hoseok baking it, and decides, “I’ll have the cake now, thank you.”
Yoongi gives him a friendly nod and leaves his plate where it is, only putting his own into the dishwasher, the noise disturbing Tang, who blinks his eyes open and looks around, just as disoriented as Jimin. Chuckling at the cat’s confused expression, Jimin devotes his attention to the slice in front of him, beginning to chew on a bite of strawberry pastry. It’s sweet, but not sickenly so, it seems like Hoseok is a rather talented baker.
“Do you think Jeongguk has feelings for me as well?” Jimin asks because he has to, not because he hopes to get an actual answer. He knows Yoongi can’t provide him with that, realistically.
“Do you have eyes?” is the only thing he offers, kicking the dishwasher close, leaning back against the kitchen island and adding, “Does it matter?”
Does it matter?! Of course it fucking matters. Jimin is once again thrown back by Yoongi’s ability to just say the weirdest shit with insane casualness.
“You two obviously like each other on a very deep emotional level and are compatible sexually, you basically do all the stuff couples do already.”
“But that’s still different,” Jimin insists.
“Okay, so, I am positive you two have romantic feelings for each other, so it’s not really relevant… But for my own peace I’d like to say that that’s not necessary for a very close and fulfilling relationship,” Yoongi explains, crossing his arms as his eyes fall down to Tang in Jimin’s lap.
You two have romantic feelings for each other. The thought makes Jimin feel all giddy inside, butterflies dancing in his stomach as he repeats the words in his head over and over again. But the topic seems to be serious for Yoongi, he seems a little hesitant.
“What do you mean?” Jimin questions, trying to push Yoongi to say what is on his mind. He doesn’t have a problem with the topic changing a bit, feels a little exhausted from all the reflection of his own feelings anyways. He wants to know what’s on his hyung’s mind as well.
“I for one don’t have romantic feelings for Hoseok,” Yoongi explains, and even though his posture is still assured, his voice is a little quieter, “I love him more than anyone else, but I can’t develop romantic feelings, like, at all.”
Somehow, that doesn’t surprise Jimin as much as he feels like it should. “Does he..?”
“Of course he knows!” Yoongi hurries, “I told him when he confessed to me, he has no problem with it. We are a kind of couple, we go on dates, and stuff, but for me it’s more about the BDSM relationship.”
“Why are you telling everyone you’re in love, then?” Jimin asks, mentally recalling hearing Hoseok talk about the way they got together in a rather romantic sense. Something about an elevator and mutual confession?
“Hoseok likes that kind of stuff,” Yoongi shrugs, turning around to get himself a glass of water, “And I like how excitedly he talks about his feelings for me, he knows I can’t return them the same way, and we’re both okay with it. No one but us has to understand our relationship, we just say we’re dating and people get the message. I have wanted to share this with friends for a while, though.”
“I’m glad you told me, hyung,” Jimin smiles, “It’s really interesting how different relationships can be, and you are right, I don’t think I’d care whether Jeongguk had feelings for me or not as long as we can keep being close like we are. The only thing dating would change would be my uncertainty about how to act around him, but I guess clear communication would also do that. ”
“It feels good to share,” Yoongi confesses, “I don’t feel like I’m hiding something, but with close friends, I like being open. It’s even harder for Hoseok to keep his mouth shut about it, as you know, he likes to share everything.”
“Even if you say it doesn’t feel like you’re hiding, I think it would be better to share with the group,” Jimin suggests softly, watching as Yoongi cracks his knuckles again, “I’m sure it would be interesting to hear for the others as well.”
Yoongi breaks into a smile at that, tapping his foot against the tiles of the kitchen floor. “Namjoon would probably open up a whole philosophical debate about modern dating and how our society shapes the concept of romance.”
“He so would, like that one time a stranger hit on him, and he went on a rant about hook up culture,” Jimin laughs, recalling the moment fondly. Yoongi joins him in his laughter, and it makes Jimin notice distantly how he hasn’t laughed these past days at all, how grateful he is to have Yoongi to both work through his feelings and distract him.
Jimin finishes his cake then, making a mental note to thank Hoseok the next time he sees him, and looks back and forth between his plate, the dishwasher, and Tang sleeping in his lap. Yoongi catches his helpless look, chuckles, and takes the dirty plate from him, putting it away as Jimin is clearly unable to get up. Waking the cat would be a crime, Yoongi understands that better than everyone else.
“You said Jeongguk has romantic feelings for–”
“Jimin. Talk to him.”
It takes longer for Jimin to muster up the courage to actually go talk to Jeongguk than he would’ve preferred, days full of spacing out during lectures and inviting himself over to Yoongi and Hoseok’s place rushing past him as he tries to come up with the right timing and the right words.
Hoseok isn’t home as much as Yoongi, which Jimin doesn’t comment on, but it makes him wonder. Is Hoseok with Jeongguk when he’s not home? Does he help him the way Yoongi helps Jimin? It takes his mind to worrying about Jeongguk, whether he’s doing okay or not, an evil voice whispering that he’s better off without Jimin. He pushes that away as insistently as he can, but it still holds him back from reaching out for an embarrassingly long amount of time.
This has always been a bad habit of his, isolating himself from his problems as if they’d go away if he only hid from them long enough. It doesn’t matter how much easier it would be on his heart to just text Jeongguk, it’s like he is physically unable to do so. No amount of reasoning from Yoongi manages to change his stance on that, and so they decide it would be best if Jimin just went to see him in person. The risk of misunderstandings is still there, as they have proven with their disastrous try at a productive conversation which took place– Jimin checks his phone for the date– almost two weeks ago. It’s really time to talk it out, and even though Jimin doesn’t feel ready, he has to do this.
Standing in front of Jeongguk’s door for the first time since he ran out of that very door is… surprisingly easy. Jimin can pretend this is just a normal day of visiting his best friend, the worn down keypad making him smile and shake his head like every time he comes over, the sound of the door bell also achingly familiar.
He has prepared for this as much as he felt he was able to, putting on his favourite white sweater, repainting his nails a light pink, even braiding his hair so it lays neatly over his right shoulder instead of flying around untameably. Jimin has talked this through with Yoongi many, many, times, and he knows what he has to do.
Talk about his feelings, spill the truth, hear Jeongguk out, and, most important of all, no excessive apologies. Jimin still feels an uncomfortable shiver run down his spine when he thinks about that last part, but he understands how it’s important. Even though it’s hard, he doesn’t have to carry all this guilt around, hoping it’ll release him if he only apologizes enough. It won’t.
“Jimin?” Jeongguk croaks, surprise written over his face, round eyes widening even further. The lack of the familiar hyung stings a bit, but Jimin doesn’t let that deject him, knows it’ll be easier if they keep some distance for the moment.
“Jeongguk-ah,” he replies, with a trained smile on his lips, “I was wondering if you want to talk to me about everything. If it’s a bad time, we can do this later.” Don’t apologize, don’t apologize, don’t apologize.
“No, no, it’s a great time–” Jeongguk hurries, opening the door all the way and stepping aside, making room for Jimin to enter the apartment. “I want to talk to you.”
“Thank you,” Jimin mumbles under his breath, following Jeongguk inside. He takes off his shoes and coat, puts both away on autopilot, and then stays where he is, looking at Jeongguk.
Usually, he would just decide where to go, where to have this conversation and how they’d have it, but it feels a little too controlling for the importance of the topic right now, and since he is in Jeongguk’s home, he feels like he should be the one to choose a spot. Jimin likes deciding things for him, for them, but he fears he’s done it a bit too much lately, with how blurred the lines had become. This conversation has to happen on an equal footing.
“I could sit on the couch and you could take the arm chair?” Jeongguk offers, and it’s more of a question, but it’s better than nothing, Jimin supposes, and so he nods encouragingly, moving to sit where Jeongguk wants him.
It’s only when they’re both sitting down that Jimin truly looks at Jeongguk, scans his face, takes in his clothes. He feels a little silly for dressing to seem so put together when he’s essentially surprising Jeongguk with his visit, because the younger is wearing clothes that are obviously made for comfortably lying in bed, not for giving him confidence in a hard conversation. Jeongguk’s face reveals just what exactly he’d done in bed, as well, his eyes a little red and swollen, causing Jimin’s heart to sink. This is your fault, something in him tells him, and Jimin has to inhale sharply to stop the thought from taking over him.
“Jeonggu–”
“Can I start?”
Jimin freezes in surprise at Jeongguk’s forwardness. He doesn’t mind, not at all, gestures for Jeongguk to feel free to start the conversation, it’s just… a few weeks ago, Jeongguk wouldn’t have done this, would have heard Jimin out completely before even considering saying something himself. If Jimin had the capacity right now, he’d feel pride bubbling up in him as Jeongguk leans forward, braces himself, and begins to speak.
“First of all, I’d like to say I’m not mad at you, even though I was, for a bit. I was mainly scared when you ran, because I was sure I had done something wrong, and I just want to do everything right with you, so I panicked. I kept things from you and made you worry, and for that, I’m sorry, it was really shitty for both of us, I know that now.”
Jimin tries hard not to get hung up on Jeongguk saying he was mad at him, because he just said he isn’t anymore, and of course Jeongguk has every right to be as angry with him as he pleases. It still tugs at his stomach though, makes him feel a little ill as his mind goes through an entire list of things Jeongguk could be mad at him for. Being a bad dom, running away, having feelings for him, hiding said feelings– Deep breaths.
“I want you to know something that I should have told you about when it happened, and I want you to listen and not jump to apologize or blame yourself, please,” Jeongguk continues, twisting around his lip ring as he stares at the wall behind Jimin. He nods as seriously as he can muster, wanting to communicate that he’s alright, he’s talked about it, he can face this without falling back into taking on all the guilt. At least he’ll try his best.
“The last time we had sex, when you edged me, I should have safe worded,” Jeongguk pushes out, closing his eyes as if embarrassed, “I thought I was good, because it did feel good, but mentally, I wasn’t doing that well at that moment. I didn’t tell you because I was desperate to please you, but then you didn’t want me to get you off– which was totally valid– and that just made me feel… useless. Hobi-hyung told me it seems like I had a mild sub drop.”
Jimin’s heart stops beating for a moment. Panic rushes over him like a bucket of ice cold water being emptied over his head, making his muscles tremble slightly at the implications of the words, at how easily Jimin can blame himself. Jeongguk experienced a sub drop, something Jimin should prevent from happening, something he should have noticed, something he doesn’t want someone he cares about this much to go through.
“You left, but I don’t blame you, because you did everything how we usually do, you couldn’t know I was feeling bad,” Jeongguk adds quickly, “It’s my fault for not using my safeword when I really should have.”
Apologize, everything within Jimin screams, so loudly, he’s almost certain Jeongguk can hear it as well, It was your responsibility, and you failed.
“I think I should’ve noticed, but I trusted you to communicate your limits with the safeword system, which is why we established it,” Jimin says carefully, eyes trained on Jeongguk’s expression, which remains rather neutral, “Can you tell me why you didn’t use it? Was there something bothering you?”
At that, Jeongguk’s face falls a little, and he throws his head back, to hide his expression from Jimin, perhaps. It’s something Jeongguk does more often than he realizes, probably, and always when they’re talking about something that is hard for him to discuss. Maybe he finds comfort in the empty paleness of the ceiling.
“Shit,” Jeongguk huffs out, “The mold is back.”
Jimin follows his gaze, eyes landing on a big dark spot on the ceiling. This hadn’t been there the last time Jimin had checked, at least it wasn’t this size. The area around it has been scraped free of the outer layer of the ceiling, indicating someone had tried removing it, probably Jeongguk, judging by his reaction.
“Jeongguk?”
“Sorry,” Jeongguk laughs, it comes out a little forced, “I removed that spot the day we… tried to talk. Seems like that was a day filled with failures through and through.”
It follows a moment of silence, Jeongguk tearing his eyes away from the moldy spot on the ceiling to look at Jimin, bravely, biting his lip nervously as he considers how to answer Jimin’s question, how to continue speaking. Jimin is patient, gives him the most encouraging smile he can muster, fingers smoothing over the fabric of the chair’s arm rests.
“Let me tell you why I was angry with you, and then I’ll tell you why I wasn’t feeling good that day,” Jeongguk proposes, fidgeting with his fingers. He looks small, even though he’s anything but. His eyes, always his eyes, betraying his appearance of strength with just how much they’re saying. They’re shiny and big, tugging on Jimin’s heart strings, and he can do nothing but nod.
“I was mad at you for confessing your feelings the way you did,” Jeongguk explains, sucking a sharp breath in, “I mean, you were basically just talking shit about yourself, trying to convince me what a bad person you are, all while saying you’re in love with me. That was cruel, honestly, even though I know you didn’t mean for it to be.”
Jeongguk shuffles around a little, crossing his legs, uncrossing them, leaning backwards, leaning forwards, no position seeming comfortable enough for the things he wants to say. Jimin tries to keep his breathing steady as he listens, as he tries to not beat himself up for acting like he did, because he can’t change the past now anyways, and Jeongguk has every right to tell him how it had made him feel.
“You put me in a really uncomfortable position, and suddenly I didn’t know what to say anymore, you were so far away. Especially because…” He hesitates for a moment, his gaze darting through the room aimlessly, just to land on Jimin again, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.
“Especially because I’m in love with you as well, hyung.”
The words hit Jimin with a force that would have him double over if he wasn’t sitting already, his heart hammering as his eyes begin to water, emotions he can’t even begin to name gathering in his stomach, trying to push their way up his throat. Jeongguk is in love with him as well, and now Jimin knows why Jeongguk felt so wronged when Jimin confessed through tears and poorly concealed self-hatred. The words are relieving and beautiful, but the fact that they’re uttered in this setting is sad, feels like they should’ve taken a different path, one that would have allowed them to admit their feelings in a more suitable situation.
“I don’t like when you speak badly about yourself, when you try to carry every burden, because I love you in every way you can love another person, and it just pains me,” Jeongguk concludes, a lone tear rolling down his cheek.
So, it’s Jimin’s turn to speak.
“I know I’m hard on myself a lot, to a point where it’s uncomfortable for people around me,” Jimin starts slowly, deflating a bit, shrinking in his chair, “Our conversation helped me realize that, actually. I thought I had to carry everything, I was terrified of not being enough, of not being able to give you everything you need. I wanted to be perfect for you so badly.”
“I never asked you to be perfect,” Jeongguk retorts, smiling sadly, “I just want you to be yourself, hyung. Give me what you like, not what you feel you should.”
“I think I was losing myself a little in the dom thing,” Jimin confesses, checking his nails, making an active effort not to peel the polish off, “As a dom, my job is to take care of and carry you, but I didn’t really stop, even when we weren’t having sex. I think I don’t do well with getting out of the scene when there’s no clearly established scene, even though I really wanted this to work all casually. That wasn’t the right approach.”
Jeongguk hums approvingly, and Jimin tries hard not to apologize for introducing him to BDSM in a way that wasn’t… ideal. He should have been more formal about– He should stay in the present. Do things differently in the future if Jeongguk still wants to do this.
“We both should have been more honest,” Jimin sighs out, giving a little wow, we both fucked up-chuckle, which Jeongguk returns while nodding along, “You know, I was so afraid you only liked me because I’m the one who introduced you to the d/s thing and you liked my dom style, I didn’t consider you would have actual feelings for me.”
At that, Jeongguk sits up straighter, determination glimmering in his eyes as he wipes his tears and starts to speak.
“There’s no way, hyung, you’re the best person I have ever met. You’re beautiful, you’re kind, so kind, caring for me and helping me whenever I need you, making me laugh more than anyone else!” Jeongguk turns a little red, his cheeks visibly heating up as he continues to speak, while Jimin can do nothing but stare, his mouth falling open as Jeongguk shares every thought he’s had about him, everything he’s never told him.
“...The way you’re so secure in your gender presentation is impressive as well, you’re so sweet to me and you make me a better person, but also your hair– and your body–” Jeongguk is stumbling over his words a little now, losing himself a bit as he tries to come up with everything he likes about Jimin almost desperately. It’s so endearing, and Jimin has half a mind to go over to him and just fucking kiss him, but they need to finish this conversation first, need to talk about everything until there are no more uncertainties.
“Thank you, Kook-ah,” he gently interrupts him, his own face feeling flushed as well, “I– Ah, we need to talk this through.”
“Yes, sorry, hyung,” Jeongguk agrees a little sheepishly, hiding his face behind his hands.
“So,” Jimin takes a deep breath in, bracing himself for the question he’s about to ask, “Do you want to continue this in the future, then? The d/s thing, having sex?”
“Of course,” Jeongguk replies in a heartbeat, making Jimin’s stomach flutter, “But only if… I mean, you have feelings for me, I have feelings for you, so…”
Jimin knows what Jeongguk wants him to ask, but he needs him to be the one to say it, to have more power over their relationship, instead of relying on Jimin to always take on the harder parts for him. Holding himself back from jumping to help Jeongguk when he doesn’t truly need it is easier right now than Jimin would have imagined.
“Do you wanna be my boyfriend, hyung?” Jeongguk manages at last, eyes sparkling, leaning forwards as much as he physically can without falling off the couch.
“Yes, of course,” Jimin agrees quickly, even though he can’t quite believe this is actually happening now– after months of hidden feelings, doing everything couples do anyways, “But we need to establish a few things so this works out.”
“Naturally,” Jeongguk confirms, beginning to bounce his leg a little, “Like telling each other when we’re insecure instead of keeping it in and trying to make the other feel better without listening to our own needs.”
Jimin can’t help but laugh a little bitterly at that, considering how much work he has left to do on himself until he’ll be able to truly manage to behave in a way that’s fair to Jeongguk. He’ll get there, though, and Jeongguk will understand, he’s certain of that now. Why had he even tried to hide this from him in the first place? Had been so deathly afraid of being vulnerable that it almost destroyed them. Jimin will make sure this never happens again, but even if it does, Jeongguk knows now, will be by his side, no matter what.
“And more planned out scenes than spontaneous stuff, we can have sex whenever, of course, but none of the harder things without negotiation beforehand,” he adds.
“That actually sounds so exciting,” Jeongguk chuckles adorably, and Jimin can’t help but agree, his mind already having a field day coming up with more elaborate scenes now that the air between them is cleared– now that they’re boyfriends. God, there’s so much they can do now… dates, real dates, kissing whenever they want without having to worry about crossing a line, leaning on each other even more than before.
“Wow, that was a lot,” Jeongguk exhales after Jimin doesn’t retort anything else, standing up, stretching his arms towards the ceiling, his hoodie riding up slightly to reveal a sliver of his toned stomach. “I can’t believe that we finally resolved one thing, just for the mold to show up again.”
“I can help you remove it, if you want,” Jimin offers.
Even though they’ve spoken about everything now– at least a bit, they’ll certainly have to have a few longer and deeper conversations in the future– there’s still a bit of awkwardness hanging in the room like smoke, making Jimin forget how he ever acted around Jeongguk. He just stays where he is, glued to the cushions of the arm chair, blinking up at Jeongguk, who walks around the coffee table, towards him, stopping a few steps away.
He’s pouting, probably still over the mold thing, or over Jimin suddenly losing all higher brain function, including control over his limbs. Standing in front of him like this, Jeongguk is truly the cutest person Jimin has ever seen. His face is still a little red, cheeks looking sticky with dried tears, begging him to cup his face and stroke his thumbs over the soft skin. Jeongguk’s puppy eyes are on display, always so full of emotion, so full of life, Jimin genuinely doesn’t know what to do with himself.
“I don’t wanna think about the stupid mold any longer. Can I kiss you now, hyung?” Jeongguk asks tentatively, his hands clasped together in front of him politely, “Please?”
“Anytime, baby,” Jimin manages, and for the first time, he feels content warmth rushing through him as he uses the pet name, as he looks up at Jeongguk, his best friend, his soulmate, his baby. His face lights up with a grin that shows off his perfect teeth, eyes scrunching so adorably that Jimin gets the urge to squish him.
Luckily, Jeongguk leans down before Jimin can give into that particular urge, his hand coming to rest on the back of his head, careful not to mess with his braid. The touch is gentle but not hesitant, and Jimin’s lips curl into a smile just before Jeongguk’s mouth comes to kiss him.
It’s unlike any kiss they’ve shared before, slower, heavy with emotions they have both been holding back, hiding from each other out of fear, unknowing the other had felt the same. Jeongguk’s lips taste both familiar and completely fresh with a new beginning, and it’s like Jimin can properly pay attention to the way he feels without worrying for the first time. He raises his arms, wraps them around Jeongguk’s neck, pulls him closer, not letting him move away now that he has him, not even allowing him to breathe.
“Hyu–” is all Jeongguk can yelp as Jimin tugs him into his lap, sighing contently when Jeongguk’s weight is on him, his legs caging him in.
This is where he wants to be, where he belongs. Holding Jeongguk is completely incomparable to any other feeling in the world, having him sigh softly into his mouth as Jimin continues to kiss him is heavenly, and it feels so right. Jeongguk’s movements are eager as ever, but his hands don’t stray, he keeps one on Jimin’s head, the other pressed against his chest, waiting for further instruction, just letting himself be kissed.
It’s delightful, he’s delightful, and Jimin’s heart is swelling with love until his chest feels too small for it, and so he breaks small pieces off it gently, pouring them into Jeongguk with every press of his lips, trying to make him feel the earth shattering sensation he’s experiencing.
“Let’s never fight again,” Jeongguk pants out quietly when Jimin finally lets him breathe, pushing their foreheads together, “I love you, hyung.”
Jeongguk forms the words so sweetly, lips caressing them softly, exhaling more than speaking them, as if to make sure Jimin can breathe them in quickly, so they don’t hang in the air for too long, don’t have the chance to slip away. The words are for Jimin only, and so he inhales them with a gasp, connecting their lips briefly again.
“I love you too, angel.”