Chapter Text
From: [email protected]
Subject: Wart, you will let me do this
And you will not complain.
- Merlin
From: [email protected]
Subject: First of all
It’s my plan that you’re trying to see through. It’s only fair that since you began said plan, I end it.
Which is why I would like to invite you to the roof of the building in two hours.
- Wart
[show quoted text]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Um
Hello, Morgana,
I hope you’re doing well. Before I get to the point of my email, I’d like to apologise for the outcome of the Games’ Sorcerelay Race; I was not the one who magically evaporated Gwaine’s T-shirt to distract Elena and slow her down while they were on their way to hand the batons/ wands over to us. If Gwaine’s claiming I did it, he’s lying. He’s a liar. For what it’s worth, I’m certain it was Gaius, and I’m sure that you would have outstripped me had that unfortunate event not put Elena out of commission (but in all fairness, screaming “MY EYES! THEY BURN” and pretending to faint was all her doing and can’t be blamed on anyone else).
I was hoping you could help me with something. Erm, so, you know Wart’s plan? He found out I was referencing it and is trying to beat me to the punch with Conclusion: Grand Gesture. He has some doubtlessly horrid romantic thing planned on the roof and I need your help beating him to the punch. Could I rely on your support?
Thanks!
- Merlin
From: [email protected]
Subject: Cease and Desist
Dear Mr Wart Pendragon,
I regret to inform you that the roof terrace of the P&G Headquarters is out of bounds to daddy’s-coattails interns with puffed-up senses of self, who may or may not be good at channelling ABBA and DNCE and other artists with abbreviated names. This has been the situation forever and it was your responsibility to educate yourself re: the same.
Much, much, much love,
Viv (from Legal, which means I could get you thrown out of daddy’s company and drag you to court if you don’t listen to me) x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Cease and Desist
Touché.
[show quoted text]
From: [email protected]
Subject: “your annoying girlfriend”
Arthur says, “Tell her to stop helping Merlin, he’s not nearly as soft and sweet and innocent as she’d like to think.”
- Leon x
From: [email protected]
Subject: *clears throat*
“Dear Arthur,
I’m writing this letter with the intent to convey to you all that is in my heart.
Over the past few months that I’ve got to know you (again), I feel that my emotions are in a state of flux. When we parted, we did so with incredible acrimony and the mutual promise to never cross paths again. But I’ve come to know since then that you regretted the things you said and did (so did I, Arthur, I really did) and that you’re genuinely interested in a committed relationship with me, that you have been ever since we fought over the fact that I thought that that’s what we had in the first place.
I’ll be honest, Arthur, I’ve loved you ever since the day I met you, even though I hated you. On occasion, you’re snobbish, arrogant, self-important, and a right idiot (I may have said something to someone about how you think “boys who snog looking into each other’s eyes while having slow sex can be just best mates”) — but you’re also loyal, fiercely protective, warm when I’m cold, and more than anything you were/are(…?) my sunshine. Continuing with the metaphor because it’ll be easier for me to admit it that way, I think: when I lost my sunshine I didn’t want it back, because I was scared I’d be hurt by how bright it’d be. But yeah, you’re also a golden retriever with a bone and apparently you thought a 36-step plan would be a nice way to convince me of your love. Which — fucking hell I didn’t know you could be this cute, Wart, and I love that your mathematical mind came up with this, of all things. So when you gave up midway, I picked up the slack. I had to, even though I skipped most of the steps out of impatience. I had to finish what you started because I missed you, my best friend and the bloke who knew me inside out, so much that for months I thought I would suffocate without you.
I know we misunderstood each other fantastically in the past so I’ll erase the chances of that happening again with the words I’m going to say. They are trite, overused, far too romantic (straight out of a movie, honest) and I’ve quoted a man of the world to boot but — Arthur Pendragon, I sincerely want to shag your brains out for the rest of my life, because you may be a prick, but you’re still the prick that stuffs me best.
Love,
Merlin”
I’d love to have my brains shagged out for the rest of my life, darling.
Love,
Wart
From: [email protected]
Subject: SON OF A
youuuuuuuu smug arsehole. ohhhhhhhh you sly bastard. youuuuu, i’ll get you back for this. just you wait, fuckface. just you wait.
[show quoted text]
From: [email protected]
Subject: DISOWNED
I DISOWN YOU AS MY BROTHER NOW AND FOREVER. WART WRECKED MY CONFESSION PLANS IN REVENGE FOR ME WRECKING HIS CONFESSION PLANS AND NOW I’M IN THE LOO TRYING NOT TO BAWL BECAUSE HE SENT ME SOMETHING I’D WRITTEN TO HIM MONTHS AGO AND JUST SAID “ME TOO” LIKE A MORON
From: [email protected]
Subject: disowned?
Gwaine is too busy crying with laughter on the floor so I’ll take this opportunity to ask why he’s being disowned when it’s Arthur who made the singularly unromantic gesture of officially confessing to you with your own love letter via email.
Not that it was totally unromantic!
Okay, I lied. Any movie made from your love story would fail (hard) at the cinemas. But good on you for getting back together with your ex and everything!
- Ellie x
From: [email protected]
Subject: tmi
Ugh I went to the bog for a wee and there they were, Merlin and that pompous git, snogging. I couldn’t go in front of them! They didn’t even notice I was there.
So now I’m back at my desk, waiting for them to realise they’re a great inconvenience to everyone but themselves. Sophia keeps frowning at me.
Fuck my life.
- Will
From: [email protected]
Subject: do not
bother me with your relationship drama again unless it’s absolutely necessary.
And you may never end up knowing exactly why I’m saying this, but: you’re welcome, you utterly tactless boy.
Bring Merlin over to mine soon! I’ll cook for us (Leon’ll cook for us).
- Morgs
From: [email protected]
Subject: The Amazing Dinner Race
Morgana told me she’s thinking of having you both over for dinner. Nice try. You’re bringing Wart over for Lasagna Night first. I have first older-sibling dibs on intimidating the boyfriend.
Oh, you should know he’s already actually talked to me about his intentions regarding you. Prepare for the day he takes over this company, Merls — he’s getting down on one knee.
- Gwaine
From: [email protected]
Subject: EPA II Revision
Fucking hell, that teacher is bollocks at doing his job. Meet up with Soph and Will for last-minute cramming after work?
Love you :*
- Wart
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: EPA II Revision
…emoticons and constant “I love you”s? Really? We’re going to be that couple? But yeah, let’s.
(My new desk is located at a much better place than the intern office, wow. Gaius really specifically requested me?)
Love you too :*
- Merls
[show quoted text]
Cc: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The results are in
And we have a bit of a situation that has been dealt with, not to worry. (Morgana, I’m sorry we kept the pool going behind your back but soon you won’t be.)
It seems #3 and #4 have somehow transpired at the same time (Arthur —> romantic confession —> Merlin and Merlin —> romantic confession —> Arthur). However, #3 was… facilitated… by #4.
Hence, the “winnings” (6518 pounds, thanks for your money, trust-fund babies) are to be distributed as follows:
1. 25% for predicting Morgana and I would enter into a relationship before our champion guinea pigs: Verified anon, who I can now say is Guinevere
2. 25% for predicting #3: Elena (sorry, Els, but #4 clearly weighs more; and the formula I used was incredibly complex and mathematical and it’d take ages for me to explain so just take all this free money and hush)
3. 50% lion’s share for predicting #4: Another verified anon, whose identity I can now safely reveal — our chairman, Uther Pendragon.
Thank you for participating, and I do hope our company is party to more drama in the future.
Best,
Leon