Chapter Text
In the years that Jackie and Jan had been together and loved each other, they had seen the best and worst of each other. Jan knew all of the worst parts of Jackie and both loved her despite and alongside those qualities. And Jackie was the same. They had been through a lot together in what was realistically, not a very long time in the grand scheme of life. But they both felt that they were educated in the realm of each other and were pretty good at diffusing or validating any emotions that arrived.
Except for when Jan was applying for all of her surgical internships.
Jackie had seen Jan in many different stages of stress. She had seen her girlfriend become borderline abusive toward herself, she had seen her girlfriend exhausted, she had seen her girlfriend weeping and panicked and in desperate need of Ativan. It was a common part of their lives. Nobody said that medical school was easy, let alone everything else that the two had gone through together.
But this time, Jan was crabby.
The stress for her intern applications had not triggered any overwhelming sadness, worry, or general sadness-based-anxiety in Jan, which were the reactions that Jackie was prepared to help with. Instead, Jan was angry. She was snapping at everyone. She was irritable. She was annoyed very quickly. And that was not anything that Jackie had prepared herself for. Regardless, she was there for her girlfriend. Jackie helped keep everything organised, she edited, she practised interview questions. And it wasn’t like Jackie was left on her own or Jan had become evil. Jan was more than happy to help Jackie with all of her applications, being the supporting and loving girlfriend that Jackie had come to need.
But still, when it came to her own plan for the future, Jan was cranky.
“So, how’s the bear doing?” Jaida asked, on an evening when she and Jackie had gone out to have a coffee together. Jackie had been frustrated with her irritable girlfriend and decided to remove herself from the situation rather than getting into a fight. Jaida was more than happy to provide respite, and offered Jackie continued help on her own internship applications, as Jaida’s hospital was Jackie’s ideal internship placement.
“She’s…” Jackie said, pausing to take a drink to dramatically emphasise her point. Her dramatic actions elicited a laugh from both women. It was nice to sit with Jaida, who had known Jan for just as long as Jackie, and who knew about the different emotional whims of Jan.
“Chile’, I don’t know how you haven’t taken your earrings out and taken her out to the parking lot and kicked her ass,” Jaida laughed.
“It’s not constant!” Jackie defended. “It’s just any time she’s wrapped up in intern stuff. She’s stressed. If she had suddenly become a constantly evil bitch, you and I would be having a different conversation. She’s doing her best under pressure. And don’t we all kind of, take our bad emotions out on people we love?”
“But it’s not like you’re ignoring her and letting her flounder. You’ve been helping her,” Jaida said. “And you’re also stressed out, Jackie.”
“Her application is way harder than mine,” Jackie excused.
“Not really,” Jaida scoffed. “I’ve done this already, so you can’t use any of these diversion tactics on me. I know you’re just as stressed.”
“Yeah,” Jackie sighed, not fully agreeing with Jaida but understanding what she was saying. It was a nice break to be out with Jaida instead of working on her own things or trying to help an exhausted and angst filled Jan, that she didn’t want to ruin their afternoon out by fighting back and forth.
“Do you want my opinion on this?” Jaida asked after taking a sip of her iced coffee.
“Not really,” Jackie said with a smirk.
“You called me for coffee, you knew I would give you my opinion on cranky pants,” Jaida laughed, and Jackie giggled alongside her. It was a fair point. She knew that Jaida was not one to mince words, placate, or try to put anything delicately. It made her a good friend, and judging by the stories she’d shared about work, it made her a doctor that patients really connected with.
“What’s your opinion on this?”
“I think that Oscar the Grouch just shows me how hard you are on yourself, Jackie,” Jaida said, holding her friend’s hand softly.
“Hard on myself?” Jackie asked, taken aback. Of all the things that Jaida could have said, that was the last thing that Jackie expected to hear. There was no way that Jan’s few days of being in a miserable mood had anything to do with Jackie - maybe she needed to try and do more to cheer her up, but definitely it wasn’t related to Jackie’s sense of self-loathing.
“Yes ma’am,” Jaida nodded, still gently holding Jackie’s hand.
“What does that even mean?”
“Have you told Jan to go fuck herself?” Jaida asked.
“No, why would I?” Jackie asked in return.
“Have you told her to not be an asshole or you won’t help her with her applications?”
“No,” Jackie said.
“Have you reminded her that you’re also applying for internships while still finishing school while tutoring when you have time while helping your mean ass girlfriend get organised? Have you reminded her that she has a big support system while you’ve basically only got her and your friends? Have you told her to go fuck herself?” Jaida repeated. Jackie understood what Jaida was saying, and she was right.
“But everyone has bad days, Jaida,” Jackie said, still trying to justify Jan’s mood.
“Jan’s had a bad few weeks,” Jaida pointed out.
“Only when it comes to her internship-”
“That doesn’t matter!” Jaida exclaimed.
“When we first started dating-”
“Bitch, exactly. I knew that you were going to say that!” Jaida said, sounding somehow both exasperated and full of pity.
“Going to say what?”
“This is what you do, Jackie! Baby, you and Jan started dating three years ago. Eventually, you are going to have to let that go. Any time Jan does something kind of crappy, you defend her by saying that three years ago when you were a closeted kid who was scared and all alone, you acted like an asshole.” It was true. Jackie did justify any of their squabbles or issues with Jan helping her through one of the angriest times of Jackie’s life.
“Okay, but-”
“Janice Mantione is just a human being,” Jaida started. “I know you love her more than anything but she’s just a person. She is sometimes messy and stupid and angry and smelly and ugly and sad, just like you. Just like everyone else.”
“Which is why I want to let her feel her feelings,” Jackie explained.
“But not by letting her be crabby because you feel guilty. Jan doesn’t want that. As far as I know, she doesn’t kick you around or be awful to you all the time, right?” Jaida asked, seriously asking.
“Of course not,” Jacke said forcefully.
“Do you think if she knew that you let her act like a diva without ever telling her where to go because you felt guilty, that she’d be happy?” Jaida was insistent, but she was still soft.
The whole conversation had Jackie feeling strangely warm. She had spent a long time sitting with any pain or emotions without ever having any real ear or validation for what she was going through. It wasn’t until Jackie was older and found her friends and Jan that she ever really had anyone tell her that she was right or that it was okay to feel the way that she felt. Even though in the grand scheme of life, Jan being a bit disagreeable when she was stressed was not the worst, it felt lovely that Jaida was there for her. Jaida was happy to listen, to understand, and even was empowering Jackie to feel a bit less silent when in this kind of situation. It was pleasant and it was warm.
“No, I don’t think that would make her happy,” Jackie admitted.
“What do you think she would say? If she knew that you were still holding on to the guilt?” Jaida tried to clarify.
“She would hate it,” Jackie agreed. “Any time it's ever come up, she’s always shocked and even annoyed. Like she thinks that because she’s over it, I need to be too.”
“Don’t you need to be?”
“I don’t know if it’s that easy, Jai,” Jackie sighed.
“Probably not, but girl, I think if the person you’ve hurt is over it, it’s probably just self-abuse to ruminate forever,” Jaida said.
“What would you do?” Jackie asked.
“I’d kick that girl’s ass,” Jaida laughed, getting a full laugh out of Jackie as well. Even if they all knew that Jaida’s bark was worse than her bite, she was always there to make everyone laugh with the bark.
“Okay, and after I kick her ass, what then?”
“I was not joking when I said that you need to tell her to fuck herself!” Jaida exclaimed. “When that Italian temper tries to flair up, you need to give it right back. Jan doesn’t get curmudgeonly very often, but that doesn’t mean you gotta give her a free pass! And if she doesn’t get it? Kick her ass!”
“Did you ever think about going into psychology or psychiatry, Dr. Hall?” Jackie teased.
“Oh chile’, can you imagine the lawsuits?” Jaida asked as both of the women laughed hard, feeling comfortable in their discussion about relationship, and happy to move on to a less violent, less couples driven topic.
*
“Hey my girl,” Jackie said, when she got to Jan’s house after her coffee with Jaida. Her inner peace had been restored by sitting with Jaida, and she'd come to see Jan with coffee and pastries in hand. She came behind Jan and placed a small kiss on the top of her head. Jan blew a kiss in Jackie’s general direction without looking up from the homework that she was working on.
“How’s Jai?” Jan asked, still with her eyes glued to her work.
“She’s doing really well!” Jackie said happily, getting the coffee and pastries into Jan’s eyeline. “We talked a lot about their emergency medicine program, so I got even more excited about my application. Their diagnostic technology is so state of the art, I can’t even imagine wanting to do my internship anywhere else. My hopes are so high, which I hate because that’s the recipe for getting let down. But I can’t help it.”
“That’s exciting Jacks!” Jan said earnestly, actually taking a second to turn and face her girlfriend. “Your hopes should be up. You’re the best of the best. They’d be asinine to not take you!”
“I really feel like I’d be a good fit,” Jackie admitted, always trying to work on her confidence and self advocacy.
“The best tech needs the best doctors,” Jan said with a smile, turning back to her homework.
“Jaida really misses you, eh?” Jackie said. Jan had hulled herself up even more than usual and hadn’t seen much of their friends. In an attempt to keep her mental health decent, Jackie had been doing her best to still see Gigi, Nicky, Crystal and Jaida whenever she could, even if she was just sitting in Gigi’s house studying or grabbing a coffee with one of them.
“Yeah, well,” Jan said with a huff. It seemed as though crabby Jan was going to make her triumphant debut for that evening.
“Maybe next weekend, everyone was thinking-”
“You can do whatever you want next weekend, but I have things that need to get done,” Jan snapped.
“Jan-”
“Does everyone think that I’m avoiding the world for fun? Did you tell everyone, Jackie, that I’ve been up to my eyeballs in fucking work?” Jan asked, clearly brewing with aggravation.
“Everyone knows that you’re working hard, Jan,” Jackie said softly. “Everyone else is also-”
“I’m trying to get a fucking surgical internship!” Jan exclaimed, her voice reminding Jackie of Sal. If her discomfort with Jan being so angry wasn’t evident, the way Jan’s voice went from sounding like her mother to her father would likely have made Jackie giggle. And her urge to smile when someone was mad was a testament to how far Jackie had come, even if she still had a hard time standing up for herself when she felt guilty.
“We know that,” Jackie said, trying to take some of Jaida’s advice.
“If everyone wants to see me fail-”
“Oh my god, shut up you fucking drama queen!” Jackie said, rolling her eyes as forcefully as possible. It wasn’t easy for Jackie to do, but she was going to give it right back to Jan. They were partners. They were equals. And that meant neither one of them would want the other to walk on any eggshells, whether or not they’re self imposed.
“What?” Jan asked loudly, flipping away from her homework to meet Jackie’s eyes.
“I said that you’re a drama queen!” Jackie repeated, starting to actually be nervous about what Jan’s reaction would be. But just like Jaida reminded her, this was nothing like going toe-to-toe with her parents. “Everyone is busy. Everyone has a lot going on. Nobody wants you to fail, loser. They just miss you.”
“Yeah but-”
“You know of all people, Jaida and I know what you’re dealing with! Especially currently, did you forget that I am applying for an internship too? Did you think that I’ve been playing Tetris on my laptop for the last month?” Jackie asked. There was a lightness to her tone, as evident as Jackie could make it, but she still felt a bit sick to her stomach.
“Of course not,” Jan said softly. “Jacks, I need you to be honest with me if I ask you a question.”
“Yes, you’re being a complete bear lately,” Jackie said, still trying to sound light and kind, while addressing the conversation that she knew was about to start.
“Oh shit,” Jan sighed.
“Not all the time,” Jackie said, still wanting to defend her girlfriend, even from herself. “Just when it comes to the internship stuff. And not even my internship stuff, it’s just when it comes to yours. You’ve been a bit-”
“Of an asshole?” Jan finished.
“Of an asshole,” Jackie agreed, laughing quietly and putting her arms around her girlfriend.
“I know it’s not an excuse, but I am really, really fucking scared,” Jan explained.
“Oh, my girl, I know,” Jackie said, putting a kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead. The nauseated feeling of nervousness that had gripped Jackie was dissipating slowly. Jan was nothing like her parents. In their home and their relationship together, even when anger was involved, Jackie was allowed to say something. And moreso, Jackie was safe to say something.
“God, you’re applying too, my girl. I haven’t really been helpful, have I?”
“You’ve been super helpful with my applications, but you’ve just been struggling with your own,” Jackie said, with a small smile.
“And by struggling you mean-”
“Being kind of an asshole,” Jackie laughed. Jan leaned against her girlfriend’s soft arms, and laughed out loud as well. Again, Jackie found herself feeling warm. There was a weird kind of peace that came from confronting the weird world of ugly feelings.
“I’m so sorry,” Jan said, making sure to meet Jackie’s eyes.
“It’s forgiven, don’t worry,” Jackie said, shaking her head.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Jan asked, not really wanting Jackie to take responsibility for what had happened, but to understand. Ideally, Jan envisioned that they would work to always communicate everything that they felt. And of course, that was going to be a work in progress forever, but Jan still wanted to know.
“Because I still have guilt about how mean I was to you when we started dating,” Jackie admitted.
“No you don’t,” Jan said, surprised.
“I really do,” Jackie admitted.
“But that was like, two hundred years ago,” Jan scoffed.
“Yeah, but I think I’m always going to be drawn to that, right? I think anxious and angry Jackie will always want to sabotage everything good in my life. So even if I know that you’re being unkind, I can tell you that safely, but I still am nervous to actually tell you,” Jackie explained. Things were a little bit easier each time she was confronted with difficult emotions, and it was a freeing and nice feeling to be able to share these thoughts with her support system.
“Can I make you dinner?” Jan asked, moving to get up from the seat she was studying in.
“Of course,” Jackie said with a chuckle.
“And if all of our friends have some time next weekend, I would like to see them, pending I can plan and get everything all done,” Jan said, a bit of excitement in her voice.
“You don’t have to cook or anything because-”
“Cooking is my love language,” Jan said, moving to give Jackie a passionate kiss on the lips. She was not surprised to have this reaction from Jan, but Jackie was thrilled to have it.
“It’s a great love language, as your girlfriend,” Jackie laughed, returning lots of kisses to Jan.
“Do you need anything from me tonight besides dinner? Help with your applications? To catch up on anything?” Jan asked, solemnly.
“I am doing well,” Jackie explained. “I have some readings I would like to do but other than that, I promise I am okay. I am not telling you all of this because I need something from you.”
“You’re telling me this because Jaida threatened to kick my ass if I was still being a dick?” Jan asked with a laugh.
“She more or less advised me to kick your ass,” Jackie teased.
“Well that’s fair,” Jan laughed, pulling Jackie close. “Sorry about being a bear.”
“I love you no matter what,” Jackie said, giving one more kiss to her girlfriend before they would start cooking dinner together. It was so valuable to Jackie, really knowing that no matter what was their state of being. It was truly safe for Jackie and Jan to show what they’re feeling. And it was freeing.