all lights turned off (can be turned on)
Series Metadata
Listing Series
-
Tags
Summary
“Syd,” he said, and she met his eyes again. “I’m fine, absolutely okay. Promise. Okay?”
When Sydney replied, her voice was quiet, and she did not sound one iota convinced. She sounded kind of sad, like she’d developed a sudden new trepidation. Something fresh to worry about at night.
“Sure, Carm. Okay.”
Family and Friends Night at The Bear brings Carmy's long-suffering and long-ignored mental health issues to a head.
Series
- Part 1 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
Richie grabbed one of Carmy’s hands, placed his own wrist inside Carmy’s grip, and curled the trembling fingers closed. His pulse thrummed beneath Carmy’s fingertips, strong and steady.
“Feel that?”
“Mhm.”
“Yep. Focus on that. Rhythm, Cousin. You can do it.”
“Can’t.”
“Can, fucko. You’re not even trying. Find the rhythm and breathe. One, two, in. Three, four, out. Like ballet or some shit. You love all that pansy rich people garbage.”
“Talk. Please.”
“I am fucking talking, dipshit,” Richie said, but conceded with a long-suffering sigh: “‘Kay, uh…oh, shit - ever tell you about the time your brother and I almost got arrested for chucking eggs at some lady off the L platform?"
Part 2 of an ongoing series. The Bear's public grand opening is upon them. Carmy isn't handling it well.
Series
- Part 2 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
His chefs were hard at work. The Bear was booked out, busy; well-received and well-reviewed by the people of Chicago. The finances were plentiful. Cicero was pleased, and the proverbial sun had risen.
Carmy was in bed, chest to the mattress and an elephant’s worth of invisible weight pressed against his back.
Part 3 of an ongoing series. Carmy's issues are getting harder for him to hide and impossible for everyone else to ignore.
Series
- Part 3 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
“You’re one stupid motherfucker, you know that?”
Carmy dropped his hands and heaved a sigh. A plane passed directly overhead. He tracked its blinking light as he shrugged. “Yeah. Well.”
“So one time, I was, you know, wondering if there was something I could have done? For Mikey. And you said, like, ‘what could you have done?’ And I said I didn’t know.”
Deep breath. In, out. In, out. “Yeah. I remember.”
Richie twitched his nose, held his palms out toward the sky like an offering, clapped them together. A miniscule shake of his head. “Shoulda told him I loved him more. He was a stupid motherfucker, too.”
Part 4 of an ongoing series. Carmy has conversations and breaks promises.
Series
- Part 4 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
“Just a couple standard questions before we get you outta here,” said a cheery nurse whose smile reminded him painfully of Claire. “In the past two weeks, have you experienced any feelings of hopelessness or excessive thoughts of death?”
“No,” he said too quickly, and Sugar looked up from her phone.
“Gotcha, thank you. And in the past two weeks, have you had any thoughts about hurting yourself or others?”
A pause. The clock on the wall was loud. Not quick enough this time: “Uh, no. No.”
Part 5 of an ongoing series. Sugar is done with Carmy's shit.
Series
- Part 5 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
“Let’s take a break.”
“I’m good.”
“You’re crying.” This, Sugar said with a refreshing lack of worry or pity; a simple statement of fact. “You’re overwhelmed, and that’s okay. Let’s take a break. We’ve narrowed it down a lot. We can start making calls tomorrow, see who has availability.”
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Carm. Talk to me.”
“I want to kill myself.”
Part 6 of an ongoing series. An interlude and some harsh truths.
Series
- Part 6 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
“You’re the one who fucking bled all over lunch service,” Richie said, grinning back, and blatantly ignored the warning look Sugar shot in his direction. “Those Noma shits didn’t teach you how to hold a knife?”
“Cousin,” Sugar said sharply. “Stop.”
“No, it's fine,” Carmy said. “We're both Eleven Madison dickheads now. Friendly fire.”
Sugar heaved a loud sigh and turned back to the stovetop. Nausea churned in Carmy's gut like a bad omen. He glanced toward the ceiling, waiting for the other shoe.
Part 7 of an ongoing series. A tentative peace unravels.
Series
- Part 7 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
(7:57 P.M.) Sugar: Where are you?
(8:01 P.M.) Missed Call from Sugar
(8:03 P.M.) Sugar: If you're mad at me, that's fine, but please text Richie. He's kind of freaking out.
(8:04 P.M.) Sugar: So am I.
(8:10 P.M.) Missed Call from SugarPart 8 of an ongoing series. Carmy has a bad night.
Series
- Part 8 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
Bright white and acidic on the eyes, the floors and walls and furniture and fucking everything in his room was immaculate, save for the sickly rust-brown stain on the floor beside his bed. “What’s that from?” He asked a nurse, maybe meaning who is that from, because this was a hospital psych unit and he could infer.
She smiled tightly and patted his ankle the way one might pat a dog’s head. “Don’t you worry about that. I need your lunch order. Chicken sandwich or egg salad sandwich?”
Carmy wondered how often they caught people trying to chuck themselves into the Chicago River. Fishers of men.
Part 9 of an ongoing series. Carmy tries to be a relatively good patient, and tries even harder not to feel completely abandoned.
Series
- Part 9 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
Tags
Summary
“Do you think you’re ready to go home?” The doctor asked evenly, staring at him.
“Do you think another twelve hours is going to make a difference?”
“Do you know that your next of kin can appeal to the court to have you involuntarily held for much longer, if they think you need it?”
Part 10 of an ongoing series. Carmy has some regrets.
Series
- Part 10 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
when the floodwater comes (i will help you swim) by parmetheon
Fandoms: The Bear (TV 2022)
17 Jan 2024
Tags
Summary
“So fucking good to be home,” Carmy said, by which he meant it’s good to be alive, I’m still all fucked up and sad and everything hurts but I’m alive, thank you for keeping me alive. He trusted Richie to catch the undercurrent.
Part 11 of an ongoing series. Richie helps Carmy understand a few things.
Series
- Part 11 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)
-
light a match, leave the past (burn the ships, don't you look back) by parmetheon
Fandoms: The Bear (TV 2022)
17 Jan 2024
Tags
Summary
Carmy fully expected Sydney’s anger, and knew he was deserving of it. He’d spent a decent portion of the morning and early afternoon hours in mental prep to receive her backlash, preemptively reminding himself that anger did not equate to hatred, and even hatred did not equate to worthlessness - something Sugar had been drilling into his brain as of late.
What he didn’t expect was Sydney’s sadness; to find her hunched over one of the kitchen counters, shoulders drawn in and shaking, her breath hitching with quiet sobs.
Final part of the series. Carmy and Sydney navigate honesty.
Series
- Part 12 of all lights turned off (can be turned on)