RazzleDaJazzle
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The Last Will and Testament of Cazador Szarr by AbigailMoment
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
16 Feb 2026
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Summary
"First," said Gale. "Do not kill any thinking creatures in Waterdeep unless you must to protect yourself or you have my express permission."
As Gale spoke, he could feel the weight of his words sinking into the person sitting across from him. It was like casting a spell, but took no effort. Astarion had been staring hollowly into his goblet of blood, but at this he made a faintly interested noise. As if the rule were novel and he was considering the shape of it.
"Second, you will obey me in all things," said Gale. There didn't feel like there was any honest way of softening that. Astarion didn't make any sound at all.
"Third, do not leave the tower without permission." Astarion made another speculative noise, considering this one too. But then his shoulders hunched and his eyes skittered down, as if he didn't want to look at what was about to happen.
"Fourth," Gale said, and paused. He started with some context: "There is a tressym upstairs."
Astarion's head twitched. He looked up at Gale, blinking, startled. He had the air of someone who had been bracing for a blow and instead had just been handed a balloon animal.
"A what?" he asked.
Series
- Part 1 of Will & Testament
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 234,501
- Chapters:
- 61/61
- Collections:
- 1
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- 8,514
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- 5,997
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Bookmarked by RazzleDaJazzle
21 Feb 2026
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After tripping a mad wizard’s trap, Astarion—now blinded—must navigate the Underdark with Eleanor back to their crew. These two shitheads must cheat, stab, and flirt their way through flooded caves, monsters, and something hunting them in the dark. All while very confusing feelings begin to muddle up Astarion’s Very Simple plan.
Sequel to Feeding Alligators
Series
- Part 2 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 109,532
- Chapters:
- 43/43
- Comments:
- 1,726
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- 2,701
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- 312
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- 69,822
Bookmarked by RazzleDaJazzle
31 Aug 2025
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Turns out, it’s not heart disease that gets you. Not a car crash, the second coming, or even a plain old slip in the shower that removes you from this mortal coil.
It’s motherfucking aliens.
Your Uncle Randy would be so proud.
Or: two losers cheat, stab, and flirt their way to a win.
Series
- Part 1 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 157,727
- Chapters:
- 72/72
- Comments:
- 2,676
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- 4,298
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- 728
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- 122,049
Bookmarked by RazzleDaJazzle
27 Aug 2025
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“I will give you a tenday to convince your love to relinquish his Ascension. If, in that time, he agrees to the terms and nullifies his contract, you both regain possession of the seven thousand souls and gift them to me.
“If, after ten days, Astarion does not agree…” Raphael reaches forward, his hand outstretched to you. “...you pledge your soul to me. Forever.”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 464,802
- Chapters:
- 105/105
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 2,871
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- 4,285
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- 878
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- 230,668
Bookmarked by RazzleDaJazzle
02 Dec 2024
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Summary
“Tempting not to bite you and draw a full meal, but I do need you alive. For now, anyway.”
He could do it, his fangs are so very close to your neck. One little lash outward and you’d be resisting a slow and chilling demise. But you see through the arrogance in his eyes. He doesn’t need you to find traps or lead you through treachery. He doesn’t need you to find a cure to your shared mindflayer predicament. No, he doesn’t need you for anything. In his eyes that hunger persists, and you realize he simply needs you.
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You and Astarion are trapped alone. You're bleeding. He's a vampire. The sexual tension is palpable. You know what happens next, darling.
Bookmarked by RazzleDaJazzle
13 Sep 2023