blackwidh0e



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    Ask Ilya Rozanov and he’d tell you that the only thing worse than being a broke PhD student was being a broke PhD student facing eviction from your Humans Only rent-controlled apartment because you maybe, accidentally got yourself Turned over summer break.

    Cue the Bloodbanker$ app and its allegedly discreet and lucrative arrangements: a whole swipeable nest of generous Vamp4Vamp ‘Donors’ waiting for the perfect fledgling to spoil.

    Seducing an old rich dude with this hot bod? Light work.

    ‘Shane, 30*, O+’ wouldn’t know what hit him.

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    07 Aug 2026

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    Peter Parker's life doesn't need an influx of new, distinctly spidery Spider-Man powers. He would gladly spend the rest of his days not creating tiny spiders from nowhere, for example. Like, in a, "yes please, I'll take two orders of the 'no spider-parenthood lifestyle,' hold the whip" kind of way. And that's only the start of how certifiably nuts his life has gotten lately.

    But... okay, the spiders are pretty cute. And the other powers, well, aren't horrible. He supposes. And if Deadpool seems to think his new spidery skills are great and interesting and hot (which is weird, but not as objectionable as Peter would expect), that's... that's not so horrible, either.

    Alternatively: Peter's powers are a joke, he's broke, and his love life... isn't all that DOA.

    ~*~*~

    See author's notes for tag descriptions and warnings, but for real, this is a mostly cute, constantly comedic foray into spidery!Spider-Man life.

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    01 Aug 2026

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    “You know how girls always say I hate men, I wish I was gay so I could just date women?" Marleau said, out of nowhere.

    “Mhm.” Ilya replied. He took a long sip of his drink.

    “I think they’re fucking on to something.” Marleau said. “It’s less drama, right? Like, cause it’s two girls.”

    “What the fuck are you talking about?” Ilya asked.

    “I’m saying that if I were gay, none of this shit would’ve happened.” He exclaimed. “Like, it wouldn’t be so… messy. I’d just fucking play video games and workout, and then we’d fuck.”

    Ilya said, bewildered. “You’d be having gay sex. Sex with a man?”

    “Yeah.” Marleau sighed. “But a guy wouldn’t do this to me.”

    ———

    Cliff and Ilya are both going through breakups, and everyone knows the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

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    31 Jul 2026

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    “Nice pass,” Cliff says as he slides to a stop beside Pike in front of the bench.

    “Thanks,” Pike mumbles, keeping his gaze locked on the chute leading back to the locker room. It’s at that moment that Coach calls practice, and Pike wastes no time in hurrying off the ice and down the corridor, alone and not looking back.

    “What did I say?” Rozanov slams into Cliff’s back, lucky that he’s propped up against the boards, and they both remain upright. “Interesting.”

    Or: When Hayden is traded to Boston, he takes it as an opportunity to remind himself that he isn't in the NHL to make friends and that no one can know his secrets. Cliff, on the other hand, can't take his eyes off his new linemate, and he's far too observant for his own good.

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    30 Jul 2026

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    "Rozy," Brian, the team doctor says, "talk to me, buddy. That puck clipped you pretty good, how’s the pain?"

    Ilya blinks. He clenches his jaw against a wave of nausea. He rests his cheek on the ice, and the cold helps a little.

    "Bad. Very bad." He swallows. "Is Shane here?"

    -

    or, in the final MTL/BOS game of the year, ilya takes a puck to the head.

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    22 Jul 2026