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lonely i came, and i depart alone by nightrose
Fandoms: Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
30 May 2026
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Ilya has heard people say that suicide is a selfish act. He's heard people say it about his mother, and it used to make him furious. He’d punched Alexei for it, once, broken his nose when he said, why are you still moping over that selfish bitch, she left us without a thought, even though he knew it was his brother’s grief speaking and not his heart.
That word, selfish, made him so furious, maybe, because some small part of him believed it. Some part of himself, a part of him that he was too ashamed of to acknowledge, let alone to name, believed that his mother should have been braver. Should have been stronger. Should have fought harder to stay with him, to keep taking care of him. Would have, if she’d loved Ilya as much as she claimed to.
He knows now, now that he has Shane, that it isn’t true. He knows it is possible to love someone entirely, completely, with the purest and truest love, and for life to still be unbearable.
***
Another look at Ilya's depression in The Long Game.
Series
- Part 1 of a strange door
Bookmarked by serendikittty
23 Aug 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
Ilya had wanted to throw it back in his face: The easy way out is not coming out. Maybe losing my career, never visiting my mother’s grave again, being a criminal in my homeland, becoming a laughingstock, watching you suffer and knowing it’s my fault. That would not be easy at all. The easy way out would be killing myself.
He had imagined how those words would hit Shane. The cold shock, melting into the warmth of concern. How Shane would fuss over him, comfort him, worry. How, for a while, things would change. Shane would try not to fret so much about being caught. He’d call more, maybe not sneak out quite so early on the days when they could be together. He’d insist Ilya get help. He’d try not to let them get into fights. For weeks, months maybe, he would treat Ilya like broken glass, with unbearable, tender pity.
But he wouldn’t come out. If he chose Ilya over hockey, it would only be because Ilya held a gun to his own head, and that’s not something Ilya can do to the man he loves.
So he’d just said, lamely, weakly, “Both ways are hard.”
The way Shane had looked at him. He’s seen Shane angry and passionate and lustful and loving and terrified. He’s never looked at Ilya like this. If Ilya had to name it, he would say: disdain.
Pity would have been better.
Ilya wishes he had even one picture of him and Shane that wasn't a commercial or a press release, but Shane worries too much about a hack or a leak. Ilya resorts to scrolling through news articles about Shane, watching his old game footage.
He's distantly aware that he's choosing his own misery. He can't put all of his happiness on his boyfriend. It isn't fair to either of them. Shane has his own life: the team he's played on for a decade, his adoring parents, friends who know his secrets, the apartment that he's had decorated. Ilya could build his own life, too. It isn't Shane's fault that he's here in Ottawa. Ilya chose this. Ilya wanted it.
But he still wants more.
Ilya has heard people say that suicide is a selfish act. He's heard people say it about his mother, and it used to make him furious. He’d punched Alexei for it, once, broken his nose when he said, why are you still moping over that selfish bitch, she left us without a thought, even though he knew it was his brother’s grief speaking and not his heart.
That word, selfish, made him so furious, maybe, because some small part of him believed it. Some part of himself, a part of him that he was too ashamed of to acknowledge, let alone to name, believed that his mother should have been braver. Should have been stronger. Should have fought harder to stay with him, to keep taking care of him. Would have, if she’d loved Ilya as much as she claimed to.
He knows now, now that he has Shane, that it isn’t true. He knows it is possible to love someone entirely, completely, with the purest and truest love, and for life to still be unbearable.
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Cocaine was somehow everywhere in Shane’s life, at every party, in every pre-season lecture from coaches, in every post-season warning, every wild story the guys told to tempt the rookies into pleasure and scare them into line. And yet, Shane didn’t actually know much about it. He was too chicken, too prudish, maybe. He thought he was too good to ever need to know. Maybe Rozanov was right.
“Okay.” Ilya’s agreement startled Shane from his thoughts. “My Jane… she is good lay, mm? The best, maybe. And she doesn’t like coke, not even for fun. So, I will not do it. One year. To prove a point and keep her happy. I do not have addiction problem, so will be easy-peazy. And when I win, I will get whatever I want. Okay?”
-x-
Or, my Shane and Ilya cocaine thesis
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Bookmarked by serendikittty
15 Aug 2026
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The Hockey Buzz ✅ @HockeyBuzzOfficial
[BREAKING] Text messages from the Boston Raiders' group chat during the years 2014–2016 have been leaked online earlier this morning. The messages, which appear to be from captain Ilya Rozanov’s phone, contain inappropriate, scandalous, and sexually explicit content. The Raiders' management has yet to issue a statement.Screenshots from the group chat can be accessed in the full article below. Reader discretion is advised.
———
Jane
Okay, I read through that article. Mostly to see how bad it was and how much damage control needs to be done
And can I just say…
Baby, I love you and I trust you. And I know you love me too
But what the everliving fuck goes on in your team group chat(the raiders vs. modern texting etiquette)
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Bookmarked by serendikittty
31 Jul 2026
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BOGO by princepixel
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
22 Jul 2026
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A fiery plane crash claims Ilya Rozanov’s life in January. By April, Shane Hollander is dead of a broken heart. The truth dies with them.
Yuna Hollander will do anything to get her son back, including hiring a shady shaman to resurrect him. There’s just one complication — Shane isn’t coming back alone.
Now there are codependent (not)zombies in her house wearing Ilya and Shane’s faces. When they inexplicably act more like a married couple than the bitter rivals she expected, Yuna is convinced that they came back wrong.
It’s easier than admitting she never understood them from the start.
Series
- Part 1 of Double Dipping
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- English
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- 41,605
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- 6/6
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Bookmarked by serendikittty
30 Jul 2026
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itty <3 ilya by bomberqueen17, sassaffrassa
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
06 Jan 2026
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Ilya Rozanov is the messy queer rep the MLH needs. A public multi-year situationship largely conducted via Twitter with the weird-ass mascot of the Philly team he has no other rapport with whatsoever is precisely the kind of representation kids need to be able to look up to.
Is he a genius or an idiot? Nobody knows.Series
- Part 5 of Doing The Work
Bookmarked by serendikittty
28 Jul 2026