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Levi remembers on the morning of his eighteenth birthday, but he feels the memories - and dreams about them - for years before that.
Long before it all really hits him again, long before he wakes up on that fateful Christmas morning, about to head downstairs for a late dinner with his parents, he has the dreams. They start about as early as he can remember - he wakes up, terrified from them for the first time when he’s five - and only get stronger after that. And at first, it’s just little things. Little snippets of a life lived long ago.
At first, it’s just the titans, large and lumbering and terrifying. And at first, Levi is just a child, standing terrified in the middle of the street, watching them come toward him until he wakes up. But eventually, the dreams grow into something more. Eventually, Levi is soaring through the air, weapons in hand, slicing through the necks of the giant beasts and watching them fall. Eventually, the dreams aren’t as scary as they are exciting.
There are reoccurring people in his dreams, eventually. People that he recognizes when he closes his eyes - when he sees them - but who he can’t quite remember when he’s awake. Their names are just on the tip of his tongue, the tall, blonde man in particular, but just as he thinks he’s going to remember, he wakes up.
This goes on for a while, and after over ten years of the reoccurring dreams, Levi starts to wonder if something is seriously wrong with him - he can’t remember the last night he dreamt of something else - but he doesn’t say anything to his parents. He can’t. He knows that they’re tight on money and the last thing he wants to do is worry them unnecessarily about something stupid, so he doesn’t mention it to them. He doesn’t tell them about his dreams or the titans or the tall, blonde man that seems to appear even when he closes his eyes. He doesn't tell them that it makes it hard for him to concentrate on school or make friends, because it's all that’s on his mind.
By the time he’s sixteen, Levi just accepts it as a normal part of his life and tries to move past it. And by the time he graduates high school, he finds himself trying to look forward - trying to keep his mind off of the dreams that pester him every single night.
He gets good grades in school, but without a full ride scholarship, Levi and his parents can’t afford College. And though it makes him feel like shit that summer, as he watches his classmates all disappear one by one, off to start their lives, he keeps moving forward. He stays strong.
By the time he graduates high school, he’s working full time at a restaurant a couple of towns over in Aspen, trying to save up enough money to eventually move out. And while the rich ski-town is way above his budget, they’re good tippers and the work is good pay, so he doesn’t mind the forty-five minute drive through the snow half of the year. And by the time he graduates high school, the dreams are all but a distant memory, set on the back burner as he works his fingers to the bone, trying to save up enough money to move out by the new year.
And then suddenly, they aren’t. Because suddenly, on the morning of his eighteenth birthday, Levi remembers.
He wakes up late, and while he can hear the faint sound of Christmas music as well as his mom making breakfast downstairs, he opts for taking a shower before he heads down there. And as he makes his way toward the bathroom, towel draped over his arm, Levi can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. He realizes belatedly, as he steps into the hot water, that maybe it's because he can't remember his dreams from the night before. It's the first time that has happened in years, so it's natural for him to feel off about it, right?
He's just grabbing the bottle of shampoo when the sharp pain rips through his skull. It's fast and hot and Levi stumbles forward suddenly, wet hands reaching out for something to hold him up, and then -
And then everything is going white.
And then he sees him. Levi immediately recognizes the blonde man from his dreams, standing before him, a look of concern painted on his face. The man is holding him by the wrist, and Levi feels himself attempt to jerk away, but to no avail. His grip is strong.
"Let go," Levi hisses through gritted teeth. He realizes as he speaks, looking up at the man above him, that this feels different than his dreams. It feels tangible. Real. He also realizes that the blonde man before him only has one arm, as he does in some of his dreams.
"Levi," He says, and his voice is concerned, maybe even a little hurt, "Talk to me. What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" Levi spits, and he can feel the rage bubbling up in his throat, "I'll tell you what's wrong. You almost died out there. You've been on half a dozen missions since you lost your arm, you can sit one out, Erwin. They won't think any less of you ."
Erwin. The name hits him hard.
"I'm not trying to prove anything," Erwin argues, "I want to be out there with you. We're close to the end, I can feel it."
"Then let the rest of us handle it," Levi bites back. And then suddenly, it hits him hard. He remembers this. He remembers this moment, as if it happened yesterday. This had been just before their last expedition beyond the walls. This had been their last talk before...
Before they died.
Levi wants to stop it, wants to hit pause and just kiss Erwin, do something other than fight with him, but he can't. The memory continues, like a movie in front of him.
"We're not having this discussion, Levi. I'm coming with you," Erwin says, voice stern, and that's that. There's no arguing with him.
He nods, turning his head away from the man in front of him at that, fuming. "Fine."
And he tries to pull away from the grip on his wrist again, but Erwin holds it. He holds it, eyes bearing holes into him. "Look at me," He murmurs, voice softening considerably from his last order. And while Levi is still angry, he listens, turning his head again after a moment to glance back up at him.
Erwin is leaning down at that, hand releasing his wrist in favor of reaching up to caress his cheek, just barely. Just softly. "I'll be fine," He murmurs, "I promise."
Levi lets out a little huff of breath in response, long past the point of arguing, but still not ready to let Erwin win. He'd rather his Commander stay home - stay safe - but he knows that he won't. He's not going to win this fight. Still, he lets Erwin tilt his chin up with his fingers, soft and gentle.
"I promise," He repeats in a low voice before pressing a quick, warm kiss on his lips.
The memory starts to fade away into something different - into him and Erwin and their squad, heading out the gates that afternoon - and Levi starts to panic, remembering it all too vividly. He remembers the way that Erwin had looked as they left, and he remembers watching his comrades die out on the field, under the hot summer sun, outnumbered by titans. He remembers Erwin finding him amongst the madness, and he remembers jumping on the back of his horse to ride off to safety.
And he remembers the blow from the beast titan that had sent them flying, the fall crushing Levi's gear and Erwin's legs. He remembers the feeling of helplessness and fear and absolute heartache, looking down at Erwin, bleeding out on the grass.
He remembers it, and he doesn't want to relive it again, so somehow, Levi finds himself pulling away from the memory, shaking himself out of it until-
Until suddenly, he's blinking his eyes open again, hot water rushing over his body. Suddenly he's sitting on the floor of the shower, back pressed up against the wall. Suddenly, he's back at home in Colorado, even though the memories of another life still burn behind his eyes.
And when he closes them - just to see - he can clearly remember the way he'd clutched onto Erwin's shirt, trying hard not to cry. He can clearly remember his last request -
"Find me. In our next life. Find me, Erwin, please."
- and Erwin's promise to do so.
The memories hit him hard and fast after that. Levi manages to eat breakfast and open presents with his family after he gets out of the shower, and he manages to act like nothing is wrong. Like he isn't watching another life - a life that he's lived before - flash through his mind whenever he closes his eyes. He doesn't say anything to them, doesn't tell them about what happened in the shower, because there's no point. He already knows, sitting on the couch, before all of his memories really come back to him, that there's nothing they can do about it.
He already knows by early that afternoon, as he retires back to his bedroom, mumbling something about not feeling good, that there's nothing wrong with him. Nothing that a doctor or a hospital can fix. He's just remembering.
And as he lies in bed that afternoon - just as he closes his eyes - he remembers again.
He remembers the moment that he'd met Erwin, and the hatred in his chest when he'd been forced to join the Survey Corps. He remembers swearing to Farlan and Isabel that he'd kill him, that he'd kill Erwin the second that he got the chance.
And then he remembers going back on that word. He remembers gradually trusting the man more and more, despite his best efforts not to. And he remembers his first expedition beyond the walls with him and his squad, and how freeing it felt, soaring through the trees. He remembers being called into Erwin's office that afternoon, after a flawless outing, and he remembers Erwin's words, soft but laced with danger -
"Do you trust me, Levi?"
- and he remembers his answer, with only a bit of hesitation.
"Yes."
He remembers, as he lies in his bed, letting the moments and memories wash over him, screaming at Erwin after Farlan and Isabel had died. He remembers reaching for his blade, and he remembers the way that Erwin hadn't tried to stop him. Levi also remembers the way he'd ended up collapsing into Erwin's arms, rather than ending his life that day, allowing the other man to comfort him.
He remembers their first kiss, just outside the stables around sunset, after a particularly hard mission, and he remembers their first time in bed together, and the way that Erwin had looked at him like he was something special, holding him close and kissing his neck. And he remembers the way that he'd gasped out Erwin's name, clutching onto his strong shoulders and thrusting his hips up to meet him.
Levi remembers the way that Erwin made him feel, especially after hard missions - how he'd made him feel like maybe, there was some hope in the awful world they lived in.
Levi gets his own place and moves out shortly after his eighteenth birthday. It's nothing special, just a small, one bedroom apartment just outside of Aspen - and much closer to his work - but it's something. And Levi decides that it's something he needed to do. He needed to move out on his own. He also can't help but think that maybe, it'll be the start of something new. That maybe, it'll be his first step toward finding Erwin in this life.
Because of course he looks for him. Erwin had promised to find him, and while Levi takes that promise seriously, it doesn't mean that he won't try looking for the other man himself, either. He searches for Erwin in the face of every tall, blonde man he sees. He searches for him in every customer at work and when he's walking down the street in the winter time, scanning the faces of all of the vacationers and skiers. He looks for him online, too, but after over a year of searching, he's found nothing.
He looks for Erwin's face in every crowd, but it’s discouraging after almost two years of searching, when he finds nothing.
Erwin had promised, though, right? He'd find him eventually. He'd promised.
In November, just before his twentieth birthday, Levi receives the absolute last phone call that any son wants to receive.
He gets the call while he's at work, and while he ignores the buzzing in his pocket for a good ten minutes, he eventually decides to run to the back room when he gets a chance, because if someone is calling so consistently, it has to be an emergency, right? And when he pulls his phone out of his pocket, he's surprised to find that it's a number that he doesn't recognize.
He loses both of his parents that night.
It's mostly a blur, after he hears the words Aspen Valley Hospital and car accident. Levi vaguely remembers leaving his work early, on autopilot as he tells his boss why, and he vaguely remembers the snowy drive to the hospital, speeding despite the ice on the roads. He distantly remembers running through the front doors of the hospital, and he distantly remembers the somber look on the doctor's face when she'd told him that his parents hadn't made it. That they'd hit a patch of black ice on their way home from dinner that night and swerved into oncoming traffic.
Levi distantly remembers crumbling on the hospital floor, head in his hands, unable to hold back the tears, because despite the fact that he's lived another life before this one, they were his parents. His parents, who he'd loved and who'd loved and supported him back, despite the fact that they'd never really been able to give him everything they wanted to.
Levi vividly remembers the feeling of crushing, overwhelming grief, and of bitter, empty loneliness, as he crumbles on the floor that night, his entire world - his entire family - falling apart around him. And, not for the first time since remembering, he wishes that he had someone - that he had Erwin - there to hold him. To kiss him and comfort him and tell him that everything will be alright.
But things won't be alright. His parents are gone, ripped away before he could even say goodbye, and he's alone. He doesn't have any warm, strong arms to fall into. He doesn't have anyone to cry to that night, to hold him and keep him warm.
He doesn't have anyone.
The funeral comes and goes, and some of Levi's family - his aunts and uncles and his remaining grandparents - come to stay in Aspen for a few days. They help Levi through it, and while it's comforting and it's something, they're gone within the month, and by the time December hits, he's alone.
For the first time in his life - in both of his lives - Levi is completely alone.
Despite everything, Levi tries to stay strong. He stays strong, because it's what his parents would want. It's what his parents would want and it's who he is, and deep down, he knows that it's what Erwin - what their squad - would want. And he knows that it was a lifetime ago, but somehow, that helps him get through the next year with his head high, despite the pain and the crippling loneliness in his chest.
The funeral comes and goes, as does his birthday that year, and soon, it's been six months since he lost his parents, and Levi is still trying to stay strong.
Work, having something to do, helps. His co-workers help, too. They're understanding and patient when Levi loses his temper for the first time after returning to work, and they're caring and thoughtful, inviting him out with them whenever they think he needs something to do.
But still, it doesn't change the fact that he's alone when he shuts the door behind himself at the end of the day. It doesn't change the fact that, with every day that passes, the aching in his chest and the grief and the loneliness gets worse and worse. It doesn't change the fact that it's hard not having someone there when he walks into his apartment at the end of the day. It doesn't change the fact that he's alone.
Because a lifetime ago, even when he'd lost his only friends, even when he'd lost his entire squad, Erwin was there. Erwin was always there. When they'd returned home from the expedition that day that he'd lost his squad, Erwin had been there with open arms and soft lips to ease the pain. And while Levi had shrugged it off -
"I'm not a child, Erwin. People die."
- he'd still appreciated it. Because, despite all of the men and women he'd lost, he was never completely alone.
Hell, he'd even had Erwin, up until the very end.
And he finds himself thinking that maybe, he'd just been very lucky in his past life. That maybe, this is the universes way of righting all of the wrongs he'd made back then. Maybe, losing his parents was what he got for putting the lives of so many people out on the line. Maybe, the loneliness that he feels when he realizes, just before his twenty-first birthday, that he's been searching - waiting - for Erwin for three years, is just karma. He finds himself thinking that maybe, he's just finally getting what he deserves.
But still, he tries to stay strong.
He tries to stay strong as he picks up an extra shift on Christmas Eve, despite his manager insisting that he doesn't have to, because maybe it'll help him get his thoughts off of everything. He tries to stay strong, despite the memories that burn hot and low, every time he closes his eyes that night. Because of course they get stronger around his birthday. Still, he stays strong, because that's all he knows.
But everyone has a breaking point, and Levi meets his that night when he gets home from work, just shy of midnight on Christmas Eve.
He doesn't even know what it is that really starts it, either. He doesn't know if it's the quick, fleeting thought as he sheds his jacket, that this will be his second birthday - his second Christmas - without his parents. Or maybe it's the thought that it's been three years since he's remembered everything. Since he remembered Erwin.
He's not quite sure what it is that breaks the dam, but as soon as it happens, Levi is on his bed, his head in his hands, and he's choking out sobs between quick, gasping breaths. Before he knows it, he's crying for the first time since he lost his parents - just over a year ago now - and he can't stop it. He couldn't even if he tried.
Because while Levi prides himself on being strong - he always has - nothing could have prepared him for this. Nothing could have prepared him for the devastation of losing his parents or the feeling of uselessness that came along with it, and nothing could have prepared him for the crippling loneliness at the realization that he has nobody. That he doesn't even have Erwin to comfort him and tell him that he'll be okay, even when he won't.
So that night, he finds himself crying for the first time in over a year. He cries until his eyes are red and puffy and there's nothing left inside of him. Until he's clutching onto his damp pillow, and staring at the wall and trying not to feel ashamed about it, because he's not Humanities Strongest anymore, damn it, and he'll cry if he pleases. And right now, that's what he needs. He's sick of trying to stay strong and he’s sick of keeping his head up, because even when he looks up, all he sees is loneliness and despair, and he aches, he fucking aches for someone to reach in and pull him out of it.
He aches for that someone to be Erwin. He aches for Erwin's hand, his touch, for his voice, for anything. But still, it doesn't change the fact that he's not there, and it doesn't change the empty feeling in Levi's chest when he realizes that.
Levi closes his eyes tight, and for a moment, he allows himself to watch the memories wash over him, like they always do around this time of the year. He watches Erwin, with a smiling face, take a few steps forward into his space, hands reaching out for his own. And he watches as Erwin leans down, pressing a quick, soft kiss to his lips.
He squeezes his eyes tight, willing the memories to become reality. Because Erwin had promised, damn it. He'd promised to find him, and he's doing a rather shitty job of it right now, and Levi needs him.
"Hurry up and find me, you bastard," Levi finds himself muttering to the Erwin behind his closed eyes that night.
Still, it takes about two more years for Erwin to find him.
Over the course of those two years, things get a little bit easier. It doesn’t mean that it’s not hard, but with time, the pain seems to ease and the loneliness that Levi feels - while it doesn’t go away - gets easier to deal with. Erwin doesn’t find him, at least not right away, and that forces Levi to pick himself up and keep moving forward. It’s really the only thing he can do.
If Levi had the money, yeah of course, he’d travel. He’d search for Erwin everywhere, until his dying day. But he doesn’t have the money or the recourses, and while it’s a romantic notion, it’s not practical or realistic.
So he decides, as much as it pains him, that if they’re meant to find one another, it’ll happen.
He gets promoted at work just shortly after his twenty-first birthday, and before long, Levi is working long nights bartending, getting home in the wee hours of the morning, just in time to pass out before he lets his mind linger on anything for too long. And for a while, that helps. It helps a lot, not having the time to dwell on Erwin and the loneliness and his parents and everything.
But still, every November into December, like clockwork, Levi can't help the overwhelming tightness in his chest. He can't help the way his memories come back stronger every year around his birthday, and he can't help the fact that it takes three whole years for him to gather the courage to go to the graveyard and leave flowers for his parents, a week before Christmas. It's hard, but it's necessary, and Levi is trying to stay strong, so he does it, even if he can't muster the courage to say anything to them.
Maybe next year.
And he can't help the disappointment he feels when he wakes up on Christmas Eve and realizes that he can't remember his dreams from the night before. As if he needed something else weighing him down this time of the year. Because the dreams are usually Levi's getaway, the one thing that keeps him going, even when it's hard. So when he wakes up the day before his birthday from a dreamless sleep, he can't help the scowl that falls onto his face and the emptiness that he feels in his chest.
He had volunteered to work that evening - just like in years past - and while, like usual, his boss had insisted that he didn't have to, Levi does. Because maybe it'll help him get his mind off of things.
So, despite the aching emptiness in his chest, he finds himself walking into work that evening to a relatively busy bar. And he can't help but think that at least he's not the only one alone on Christmas.
And then it happens.
It's quick and unexpected and Levi never saw it coming, but it happens.
He's just about to walk away from some asshole at the bar who won't say anything to him - "Are you going to get anything, or are you just going to sit there?" - when he hears that voice. When he hears the voice he's been dying to hear for years now, and it's speaking his name.
"Levi."
And while he partially wonders if he's just hearing things - because it couldn't possibly be him, not now, after so long - Levi can't help the way that he freezes. He can't help the way that he sucks in a sharp breath, holding it for a few seconds, before murmuring, just barely above a whisper, "Erwin?"
Because he has to be imagining this. It can't really be Erwin, can it? It can't-
"Yeah," The voice says, cutting Levi's thoughts short. And suddenly, it sounds close, too close. It's too much, too fast. When Levi closes his eyes, he can see Erwin behind his eyelids, clear as day. He clenches his fists. "It's me."
And then Levi is moving, quick, dropping the rag in his hands and heading for the kitchen without another word or even a glance in Erwin's direction. Instead, he finds himself rushing through the kitchen doors, listening to them swing shut behind him before he's leaning up against the wall, taking a deep breath, then another. He closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and attempts to ground himself - to calm down - because right now, he's shaking. He's shaking and he's on the verge of tears and he can't stop, and the last thing he needs is to be a giant, blubbering mess when Erwin sees him.
When Erwin sees him.
Levi sucks in another deep breath, leaning his head against the wall, and tries to calm himself down because Erwin is on the other side of the wall, and he's standing in the kitchen like an idiot and he should be out there. He shouldn't be freaking out or worrying because Erwin had said his name, too. Which mean that Erwin remembered him.
Erwin had found him. Just as he'd promised.
And with that thought and another deep breath - and a few weird glances from the cooks - Levi pushes himself up off the wall and finds himself walking toward the other door, the one that leads him out into the restaurant. He walks with purpose, his head high, and when the door swings open, he sees him.
Erwin sits, waiting on the barstool, figure frozen, and Levi realizes, as he closes the distance between them, that he looks exactly as he remembers him behind closed eyes. Same haircut, same mannerisms, same posture, same everything. Hell, he's even still wearing that same fucking bolo tie. And Levi wants to scoff at that, but he can't because Erwin is right in front of him - very, very real - and he doesn't want to do anything but grab him by that stupid fucking tie and kiss the life out of him.
So that's exactly what he does.
Levi closes the gap between the two of them rather quickly, and while Erwin opens his mouth, as if to say anything, he doesn't let him get it out. Instead, Levi is reaching forward, as he's done a million times before, and grabbing him roughly by the bolo tie, actually pulling him down and out of his seat before securing their lips soundly together. His other hand comes up quickly to tangle in Erwin's perfectly parted hair, messing it up and holding him in place, and it's finally then that Erwin seems to shake himself out of it and returns the kiss, his hands finding their rightful place at Levi's hips.
And in that moment, all of the waiting - all of the loneliness and the aching - is worth it. It's always been worth it, because Erwin, his Erwin, his standing in front of him, holding him close as they kiss, and for a moment, nothing else matters.
After a long moment - and though he'd rather just kiss Erwin for the rest of his life, if he had a choice - Levi eventually pulls away, just slightly. He untangles his hand from Erwin's hair, but his other keeps its grip on the bolo tie, holding him in place. And when he speaks, he can't help the way that his lips brush up against Erwin's. And when he speaks, he can't help the way he smiles, eyes closed, because finally, he can reach out and touch Erwin.
"It took you long enough," He murmurs softly.
And Levi can hear the smile in Erwin's voice when he replies, pressing their foreheads together, "Thank you for waiting."