Chapter Text
Lieutenant Paul Stamets was still in a state of euphoria when he entered his quarters. Not only had the tardigrade made his spore drive work, they had also saved the lives of the dilithium miners. This was the first silver lining after Straal’s death. Just remembering his horribly deformed body sent chills down Paul’s spine. So he tried to push the memories away and hold on to the euphoria.
“Oh look, he’s in a better mood now.” The icy look on Hugh’s face brought back the chills. “Probably happy now that I saved your emotions, I guess.”
Paul groaned quietly. He deserved this. His little outburst in sickbay had been unwarranted to say the least.
“I was mad at Lorca”, Paul hurried to say, but he didn’t even get as far as apologizing.
“Don’t you think I know that by now?” Hugh did not raise his voice. “He was way out of line. But then, so were you.”
Hugh had been in the process of undressing upon Paul’s entry. Now he turned his back, continued taking off his uniform jacket and folded it neatly – all his movements exact and deliberate. The tension in the room was almost palpable. Paul was strangely relieved by this. This forced calm had possessed his fiancé for too long. It was time for an eruption. Ever since the death of Paul’s colleague and best friend, Hugh had been patient and understanding – taking all the silent brooding and increasingly scathing sarcasm Paul had thrown at him due to his pain.
It had to stop – and soon. Paul’s service on the Discovery had already stretched their relationship thin.
“Listen, I’m sorry, Hugh. It’s just that he makes me so angry. He doesn’t understand anything about how research works and…”
“I know.” Hugh cut him off and turned around pointedly. His brown eyes looked darker than usual, stormy. “But that’s no excuse for you snapping at me like that. Especially not in front of my staff!”
“I’m sorry.” Paul’s voice was shaking as he saw the anger and hurt contorting his lover’s face.
“I know. I bet you are. And frankly, I don’t care!” Hugh had taken a few steps toward him, stepping into Paul’s personal space. “You can be such an egoistic arrogant prick sometimes.” His voice was raising, but it remained just below shouting. “Don’t you think I know that there are quite a few emotions and memories you’d like to be able to switch off? I get it. I understand. But have you thought about what that bullshit sounded like to me? Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you deny your emotions like that? It sounds like your feelings for me are worth nothing to you.”
Hugh’s voice broke on the last sentence. He stepped back, seemingly surprised by his own words, as if he’d only just acknowledged that hurt for himself. Unshed tears made his eyes shine in the hard artificial lighting.
Paul was shaking. Every muscle in his body was straining to reach out to his lover, to comfort him. But he was sure right now his touch wouldn’t be welcome. Paul cringed as he repeated what he’d said in sickbay in his head. He had fucked up big time. Those words had been for Lorca’s benefit. He’d been so overcome with rage and frustration that for a moment he’d forgotten that Hugh was standing right there, listening to him too.
“I’m sorry.” It sounded inadequate and hollow to his own ears. “I didn’t think.”
Hugh snorted. “For such a smart person you seem to do that a lot.” A single tear was rolling down his cheek now, but it didn’t diminish the look of fury on his face. He wasn’t finished yet. “So let me tell you what you should think of the next time you want to talk shit like that. You can think of how I felt when I heard what happened on the Glenn. I got to analyse Tilly’s data and it was terrifying. You can think of how it makes me feel that your experiments can make the same thing happen to you, to all of us. You can imagine what I’d do if you actually had brain damage, if you lost your memory or your capacity for emotion. You can imagine how I feel, knowing that you’re in the same room as that monster that tore Landry to pieces. And while you’re at it you might want to consider what it feels like standing over the dead body of a crew member unable to help them even though that’s your job. You could also remember that when I’m faced with such things I usually calm myself with the knowledge that we’re on the same ship, that if your experiments fail, we all die. So at least I won’t have to live with losing you.”
He was crying in earnest now. It was a mystery to Paul how Hugh could keep his voice so steady , pressing all of that out. His own breathing was ragged with sobs, his shoulders shaking violently. Paul’s vision had gone blurry as tears welled up in his eyes too. Why was he such an idiot? How could he keep hurting the man he loved like that?
“I’m so sorry, Hugh.” It came out as a whisper. All air had been knocked out of Paul’s lungs. He wanted to hold Hugh with every fibre in his body, but he wasn’t sure if his touch would be welcome now. He was still debating if he should take a step toward his lover, when he was already pulled into a strong embrace.
“I know. I love you.”
It felt like he was holding on to Hugh for dear life. Paul was sobbing uncontrollably while his fiancé cried more calmly. It always ended like this. Strong arms cradling him, all his emotion pouring out in this save place where he could hear Hugh’s heartbeat. Crying like this was cathartic. Paul could already feel some of the weight of the last days sliding off his shoulders.
After some time Hugh manoeuvred him toward the bed. By the time they were lying down, Paul’s face pressed into Hugh’s chest, both of them had mostly stopped crying. The occasional sob ragged through Paul’s body as his lover stroked comforting circles on his back. Paul had needed this badly. Now all the tension was slowly draining from his body.