Work Text:
Gavin breathed into his gloved hands and then rubbed them together furiously, “Bloody freezing out.” With numb fingers, he pulled out his phone, “It’s shitting minus ten out!” he put his phone away and shoved his hands into his pockets.
Jeremy laughed, his breath a white ghost in the air, “This ain’t nothin’. Los Santos has spoiled you.” He adjusted the thick winter jacket he wore, purple, of course, topped off with the ugliest knit hat Gavin had ever seen. It was a purple and orange monstrosity with a big orange pompom, ear flaps, and tassels, “That being said, how much longer are we waiting here for?” He and Gavin were in sparse cover overlooking a small guard house.
Geoff’s voice crackled in his and Gavin’s ears, “We’re on our way. Chill out.”
Everyone groaned over the earpieces.
“I hate this country, who lives in a place where the air hurts?” Ryan whined over the comms.
Gavin began a small jig for warmth and looked at Jeremy next to him. The two of them were out here alone waiting on the rest of the crew to arrive. It was close to midnight, and if it weren’t for the snow-covered dirt road beside them, they could have been said to be in the middle of nowhere.
But it wasn’t the middle of nowhere, it was exactly where they were meant to be. These deep woods were eerily silent under a thick layer of starlit snow. Plastic piping was hung between the trees, all of which were maples.
In the guard house, one guard sat next to a space heater and watched the news on a monitor.
“If I have to watch this guy pick his nose one more time, I’m shooting him now.” Jeremy threatened.
“I said we’re almost there!” Geoff nearly shouted at them, “This is supposed to be an easy job, don’t make it bloody.”
“But bloody is fun, Geoff.” Jeremy replied.
“Very fun.” Ryan agreed.
Jack interrupted, “Look, this is our first time heisting in a foreign country, we need to get back over a border, and that will be much harder during a murder investigation.”
“World’s longest undefended border, Jack.” Michael told him, “We can do as we please.”
“Please don’t.” Geoff pleaded.
“I’m in position.” Ryan abruptly told them.
“Me too.” Michael added.
“Hold on, I’m almost at you guys.” Geoff said.
“We can see you, turn off your headlights.” Ryan informed him, “We can’t be seen by anyone at the facility until team Boston Tea Party has a chance to disable them.”
“I KNOW, RYAN! I’M THE ONE WHO MADE THE PLAN!” Geoff shouted through the comms making them all cringe.
“Christ on a bicycle.” Jeremy swore and rubbed his ear, “So are we moving in yet, or not?”
“I said hold on!” Geoff was clearly growing frustrated with them.
A few moments of silence passed, before Geoff spoke again, “Ok Assholes, I’m in position.
Jeremy, Gavin, get going.”
Jeremy nodded to Gavin, and Gavin nodded back.
The heist was on.
Gavin crouched down further and readied his automatic rifle, as Jeremy stumbled out of the wood onto the road and towards the guard house.
Jeremy did his best drunken swagger and waved at the guard, “Hey! Hey!”
The guard looked up from his monitor at the noisy newcomer.
“Hey! Can I use your phone?” Jeremy came right up to the guard house and knocked on the glass, “I’m lost.” His breath fogged up the little window.
The guard sighed, but stood and went to the door. He unlocked it and opened it a few inches. Leaning out he asked Jeremy, “You’re lost? Out here? How’d you get here?”
Jeremy just shrugged, “I dunno, man.”
Again, the guard sighed, “Alright, you can use my phone, call a cab, or a sober friend, or somethin’.” He stepped back into the small guard house, closely followed by Jeremy. He pointed at a beige wall mounted phone, “You can use that there.”
Jeremy nodded his thanks, and pulled out a silenced handgun. He shoved it into the guard’s gut.
The guard was wide eyed, and immediately raised his hands in surrender.
Jeremy only smiled as he pulled the trigger. The guard’s body fell, and red spray decorated the wall behind him.
“Guard’s down.” Jeremy reported.
Gavin scanned up and down the road through the scope of his rifle to confirm that no one had heard the shot, “Looks clear. Come on in guys.”
It took a couple minutes but soon the sound of large engines could be heard rumbling up the road towards the guard house.
Four massive trucks rolled up the road. Three were water trucks, and the fourth was a milk truck.
As they approached, Jeremy bowed with a flair, slapping a large button in the process. The barriers on either side of the guard house opened, allowing the trucks to pass.
“Showboat.” Michael chided him.
“Fun police.” Jeremy retorted.
The final truck, the one milk truck, slowed and stopped on the other side of the barriers.
Ryan spoke, “Hop on, Jeremy.” He leaned over and threw open the passenger side door. He wore the plushest warmest down coat he could find in Los Santos. It was black and waterproof, with a fur trimmed hood.
“Get in the guard house, Gav.” Jeremy propped open the door with the dead guard’s boot. He hurried out and clamoured into the truck cab next to Ryan.
Gavin was already on it. He scurried out of the woods and into the guard house, wrinkling his nose at the smell of fresh death, “I don’t like that I’m gonna be sitting here with a dead body all night.”
“If everything goes to plan, it won’t be all night.” Geoff reminded him, “Just a few hours.”
“That’s right, he won’t even get a chance to stink yet.” Ryan added as he floored the gas in order to catch up with the other trucks,
“He bloody shat himself. He stinks already.” Gavin whined.
“Dump him in the woods then!” Jack suggested.
“Just do it quick; we need you keeping an eye out for us in case anyone shows up or tries to call for help.” Geoff relayed his role.
Gavin groaned, but removed the guard’s walkie-talkie, phone, wallet, and keys. He then grabbed him by the ankles and dragged him out of the guard house and into the snow. Not wanting to drag him all the way into the woods, he got him to the snow bank and just covered him up. The first melt would reveal the body, but for tonight it was good enough.
He returned to the guard house and checked the security monitor feed. So far so good, “You’re clear.” He relayed.
The rest of the boys rode their convoy right into the facility. There was one main building, large and low to the ground with a great deal of chimneys spewing steam. A variety of pipes left the building and went out to massive silos that sat squat behind it. The crew had never seen such a facility placed right in the middle of deep woods, but of course, here it made sense.
“Everyone pick a silo.” Geoff ordered.
“Don’t want us all sucking off the same one?” Jeremy shot Ryan a smile.
Ryan chuckled and drove his milk truck over to the furthest silo.
They each did as ordered and took their own silo. Jack took the closest, and Geoff the one next to his, while Michael took one next to Ryan. With five silos in total, there was more than enough to pick from.
Jack hopped out of his truck and began pulling out piping of his own from the back of his water truck. He unravelled the flexible pipes and fit the metal fittings of each onto the appropriate nozzles of his truck’s water tank. One large pipe for the output valve and another onto the input.
Holding the output pipe, he looked up to the top of the silo and sighed. There was a small metal ladder that went all the way to the top where the silo’s input valve was.
“Geoff, If I slip and die, I’m haunting your ass.” Jack threatened as he mounted the ladder with his pipe under one arm.
“Me too. And I’ll bring every kind of demon I can.” Ryan added.
“Yeah? Well, If I die, you ain’t getting paid!” Geoff threw back at them.
“Well shit, he’s got us there.” Michael muttered with a wide smile.
“I want to know how we’re planning on sellin’ all this.” Gavin said as he pulled out his phone and began to scroll Instagraph, “We’ll have to bottle it, label it, and distribute it.”
“We do that with drugs and weapons already. How hard could it be?” Jeremy was optimistic.
“Illicit maple syrup? Yeah, that’s exactly like weapons and drugs.” Gavin argued.
“Again, Why are we doing this?” Ryan had reached the top of his silo and was beginning the cold and slippery task of attaching the output pipe, “Don’t get me wrong, I like sugary tree fluids as much as the next guy… but this is really out of our league.”
“I told you, I got a tip, and this can be huge money.” Geoff told them for the hundredth time.
Jeremy attached the input pipe to the bottom of Ryan’s silo, “’Can’ being the key word here.”
“It would have been far closer and warmer if we were stealing agave instead.” Jack joked, knowing it would further incense Geoff.
“Maple is worth more!” Geoff shouted back, making everyone flinch.
Jeremy changed the topic, “How we looking Gav?”
Gavin didn’t bother looking up from his Instagraph feed, he yawned, “Fine.” Thanks to a small heater in the corner, it was nice and warm in the little guard house. He felt toasty enough to remove his scarf and open up the plush down jacket he wore. Beneath was his more stereotypical wear, high fashion and gold chains.
Finished attaching the piping, Ryan gave Jeremy a thumbs up.
Jeremy climbed back into the truck and started the milk pump.
Working solo, Michael, Jack, and Geoff did the same on the water trucks.
Ryan climbed down from the top of the silo. He was regretting wearing his mask as it was limiting his visibility while going down the ladder, but it was keeping his face nice and warm. Reaching the bottom he went over to check Jeremy’s handiwork on the output valve.
Jeremy hopped out of the truck and hurried over, “Does everything look right?”
Ryan cocked his head, a couple bolts looked looser than they should be, but it was holding fine, “These could be tightened,” he pointed them out.
Picking up the wrench he’d tossed aside earlier, Jeremy went up to the valve and twisted one of the bolts to the left, loosening it.
The pipe shot off the valve, and back towards them, narrowly missing hitting either of them. The syrup that came jetting out, however, bypassed Jeremy and hit the Vagabond square in the chest.
Ryan stumbled back, almost falling over, as the torrent of maple hit him. He shouted out in surprise and anger as everything he wore got drenched in the sticky stuff.
In a panic, Jeremy grabbed the pipe and reattached it, his arms and hands getting covered in syrup. After what seemed like hours, the flow was stemmed and running back through the pipe and into the truck.
Ryan silently removed his mask, and then his gloves. He wiped the syrup from his eyes slowly, smudging his delicately painted face paint.
Jeremy’s face grew hot, he swore that if a snowflake landed on it, it would steam.
“Vagabond, I am so so sorry.” He attempted to apologise.
Ryan just held up a hand, “Righty tighty, lefty loosey.” He repeated the old rhyme.
Jeremy sheepishly smiled and felt his face get hotter, he half heartedly raised a fist, “Battle buddies?”
Ryan looked at him through tired lidded eyes. He turned and went over to the back of the truck, “I want to show you something.” His boots sloshed through a syrup and snow slush.
Jeremy grew tense, he had a feeling he was about the get a thorough chewing out about how to properly attach a pipe. Reluctantly he followed Ryan, wrench still in hand.
Ryan stopped next to the output valve of the milk truck, “See this?” he gestured to the valve.
Jeremy came closer and swallowed. Ryan’s worst scoldings were the ones delivered calmly, like a parent teaching their child what they did wrong. He’d been with the crew for years, but each time, Ryan made him feel like a complete newbie.
Ryan put his hands on a lever next to the valve, “This is the emergency pressure release.” He yanked the lever downwards.
Jeremy never had a chance to react before a torrent of freezing cold milk rushed out to meet his face. It hit hard enough to make him lose his hat.
Ryan roared with laughter and pulled the emergency valve shut again.
Jeremy was sputtering and coughing, milk had gotten up his nose and into his sinuses. In addition, he was now soaked through and the cold was beginning to become apparent. His body began to shiver, and his teeth chatter.
“R-Vagabond, you fuck!” Jeremy was angry, but still remembered not to use Ryan’s real name. That would have much graver consequences than being covered in milk.
Ryan was still laughing. The syrup hadn’t penetrated his clothes as much as the milk had Jeremy’s and he was feeling far warmer.
“What the fuck is going on?” Geoff asked with more irritation than concern.
“Nothing.” Ryan replied.
“Nothing, what?” Jeremy asked and then touched his ear, “Shit!” He franticly looked around on the dark and slushy ground.
Ryan gave a toothy crooked smile, “Lose something, Tim?”
“You made me lose my earpiece!” Jeremy still scanned the ground, but knew that even if he found it the cold and wet would have probably killed it.
“Oh no, Looks like Rimmy Tim lost his Rimmy comms.” Ryan told the others a little too smugly.
“You made me!” Jeremy bent over to grab his soggy hat and tried to shake it out in Ryan’s direction.
“Hey!” Ryan backed up out of range.
“Wait does this mean we can finally talk about him behind his back?” Michael smiled.
“I never liked the purple and orange.” Jack immediately said.
“Rimmy Tim is a stupid name.” Geoff added, “Why would you choose to be called that?”
“Do you think that he’s colour blind?” Gavin mused more genuinely.
“Seriously, Gav? You of all people? The way you dress?” Geoff laughed.
Gavin huffed, “It’s called fashion. Bright colours are in! Just not like how Rimmy wears them. He’s an atrocity.”
Ryan chuckled and then noticed how Jeremy’s lips were turning blue and his teeth chattering, “Whoa, hey, don’t die of hypothermia on me.”
Jeremy scoffed, “As if! You’ll need to do more than get me wet with milk to kill me.” He defiantly put his hat back on his head and immediately regretted it.
Ryan grew concerned, “I can handle everything out here, get in the truck and turn on the heat. Get that wet shit off yourself.”
Jeremy shook his head, “I can’t cover the inside of the truck with milk! We need to drive that down to Los Santos! You know how bad it will stink?”
“Then strip out here.” Ryan suggested.
“Wait, who’s stripping?” Michael caught the words immediately.
“Jesus Christ, I always knew you two were close, but come on, not on the job!” Jack scolded jokingly.
“Get your dicks out of each other’s mouths and focus!” Geoff told them.
Ryan raised an eyebrow as he tried to figure out the logistics of what Geoff has suggested and then replied, “What we do with our mouths is our business.”
“What the hell are you guys talking about?!” Jeremy was at the driver’s side door.
“Just how much you like my dick in your mouth.” Ryan shrugged.
“Oh, I love it.” Jeremy stated flatly and removed his coat. He opened the door and hopped in. Inside he removed his outer layer of clothing. Finding his shirt was wet too, he stripped down to his underwear and tossed the soiled clothing behind the seats. He then turned the heat to full blast and curled up on a seat, all vents aimed at him.
“Hey Vagabond, how did Rimmy lose his earpiece?” Jack turned more serious, “All we heard was laughing.”
“Nothing serious, just a bit of revenge.” Ryan waved the question away. He kept an idle eye on the pressure gauge next to the emergency valve. Syrup was far denser than milk, so when the output valve pressure suddenly spiked, he could be sure he was no longer pumping milk.
The idea was simple, pump out milk (or water) and pump in syrup at the same time. That way the silos would still read as full, and no one would notice the missing syrup. Since the output valves for the syrup were at the bottom of the silo and syrup would sink beneath the milk, the workers would be pumping out syrup for days before they hit the milk/water. Even better, if they were adding more syrup to the silos, the effect would last even longer.
Ideally, they were committing an (mostly) invisible crime. That was if everything went to plan. The local cops would see the murder and never think to check for a robbery when the tanks were still reading as full. They would probably write it off as some kind of targeted violence or personal vendetta, which was exactly what Geoff was betting on. No one would link this crime to the Fakes, and then they would be free to sell their loot without setting off any kind of warning bells.
Normally the Fakes were all about flash and news coverage, but Geoff wanted to try something a little different this time. Mostly it was to prove his crew was capable of being subtle when they needed to. They were the Kings of Los Santos, but being at the top was risky. Not only were they a target for everyone else, but they risked growing comfortable and complacent. They needed the occasional challenge – something to take them out of their comfort zones.
Also Trevor had bet him that they’d never pull this off. So there was that motivation there as well.
Michael saw the pressure spike, “Oh hey, I’m done guys. Well, almost, I still have to unhook everything.”
“Get on it, I should be done soon too.” Jack replied.
“Speak of the devil,” Geoff’s pressure spiked, “I’m right with you Mogar.”
Michael began the task of pulling apart his setup. He shut down the pump and closed off the valves, before detaching the pipes first from his truck, then climbing the silo and detaching them there. By the time he was done, his fingers were numb with cold regardless of the gloves he wore. Man, he did not miss having to live with winter. Sure, it was pretty in concept: white snow, breath on the air, the quiet serenity, but damn did it suck in reality.
He debated leaving all the pipes behind but knew Geoff basically wanted this a stealth mission. So instead he groaned and started pulling the pipes back to the truck. The water truck had a large storage space beneath the main tank specifically for the pipes and equipment.
Getting the pipes over to storage was one thing, getting them inside was another. He’d fit one in, and the moment he tried to get the second, the first would fall out again. One pipe was fine, but once he moved his hands to squeeze in the other, it would just pop out like it was spring loaded.
He didn’t have enough limbs to make this work. Growing more and more frustrated, his cursing was audible through the comms.
“You alright there, Mogar?” Jack asked with some mild concern.
“Fucking fantastic. How the fuck do we get these pipes back in?!” Michael growled with frustration.
“Havin’ trouble, boi?” Gavin inquired.
“What the fuck does it sound like?!” Michael’s patience was wearing thin.
Ryan was soon having the same problem, and knew he was going to have to ask Jeremy for help. The problem was, he also knew Jeremy was half naked in the truck and would most definitely freeze.
He went to him anyway.
As the truck door opened, Jeremy cowered at the gust of cold.
“Close the door!” He exclaimed.
Ryan remained outside the truck. He closed the door as much as he could, but didn’t want to enter as he was still coated in slowly thickening syrup.
“Gonna need you out here again.” Ryan told him with a sorry smile.
“You’re kidding me.” Jeremy gave him the stink eye.
“Nope. I can’t get the pipes back in.” Ryan explained.
“You too, huh?” Michael overheard.
“I might also be having a similar problem.” Geoff admitted with a sigh.
“Oh my god, you guys are useless.” Jack commented.
“Have you even tried it yet?!” Geoff shouted back.
Jack grumbled, no he had not, but he was about to. How hard could it possibly be? He pulled the pipes aside and began to roll them up neatly. He attached the two pipes together to create a single long one and finished up the roll. Once rolled up, he heaved them up onto his shoulder and pushed them inside his truck’s storage. One hand on the pipe to keep it secure, he used the other to close and lock the door.
It was no trouble at all.
“What is wrong with you idiots? That wasn’t hard.” Jack replied. He fixed the insulated leather jacket he wore over a large hoodie. Then adjusted the red plaid baseball cap he wore. He’d promised the crew the whole look was to ‘blend in’.
“Oh fuck you.” Michael had just managed to forcefully shove both pipes into storage.
Geoff was still struggling, “If it’s so easy get your ass over here and help me out!”
Jack sighed and shook his head, “You just need to use your brain. You don’t want me abandoning my truck, do you?”
“Do you want to get out of this cold or not?!” Geoff asked him.
Jack groaned and then sighed in resignation. He turned off his truck and took the keys. Last thing he wanted was for their robbery to be disrupted by a car jacking by a third party.
He made his way over towards the next silo. As he was passing by an exit from the main building, a man in guard uniform emerged with a pack of cigarettes.
They noticed each other and stared in astonishment for a split second.
“Hey! What are doing out here?!” The guard asked, putting away his cigarettes.
Jack decided to act natural, “I’m just running some maintenance.”
“What? At this hour?” The guard did not believe it.
“They didn’t want me disrupting operations.” Jack reasoned.
Geoff’s blood ran cold, “Gavin, get eyes on Jack; what’s going on?”
Gavin dropped his phone, startled by Geoff’s tone. He quickly flipped through the security cams and saw the guard facing Jack down.
“Uh, looks like someone’s seen Jack.” Gavin reported.
“Shit. Vagabond, can you go deal with it?”
Ryan pulled out his gun from under his down coat, “I’m not silenced, are we okay with that?”
“No we are not okay with that!” Geoff furiously told him.
Ryan put his gun back away, and felt around for a knife. He’d stowed a large hunting knife in a sheath on his lower back, but the layers of sticky clothing, plus syrupy gloves made it difficult to get at. Syrup was sticky, but yet, somehow, it only made the knife slippery in his hand.
Knife finally in hand, Ryan started his way over to Jack’s silo, “On my way.”
The guard eyed Jack suspiciously, “Do you have any paperwork for it? I don’t recognise you.”
“Yep, I’m a new contractor. Not many of us will work nights like this. I have the paperwork back in my truck.” Jack continued the act. He threw up a thumb to point back towards the silo.
“Ok, I’m gonna need you to come with me and show me the paper.” The guard nodded. He made his way over to Jack, and Jack began to lead him.
Ryan hurried towards Jack. He did his best to remain silent and stick to the shadows. It was easy. In theory. Dry snow muffled footsteps and the facility’s industrial lights cast long black shadows. But his large coat crinkled and swished with every movement. He closed the distance between himself and the guard but remained a wary amount away.
Last thing he wanted was for the guard to hear him, turn around, and fire.
No only would he be shot, Geoff would kill him for ruining their stealth.
He decided it was best to just dump the coat all together.
God, it was cold out.
Ryan regretted the decision - he still wore a sweater beneath - but now he could move silently. He advanced on the guard.
The guard yelped as a knife was pressed against his neck, and an arm tightly grabbed him.
Jack turned. Even knowing that Ryan had been on the prowl, he’d be startled by the yelp.
“Do we kill him?” Ryan asked.
“Oh God! Please no!” The guard was close to tears.
“I don’t know; Can we risk two bodies?” Jack wasn’t sure and hoped Geoff would tell them.
“Uh,” Geoff took a moment to think it over, “What does the guard think we’re doing?”
Ryan looked to Jack and shrugged.
Jack decided to take control, he spoke to the guard, “Now, we don’t need this to be a double homicide. We came here just for your coworker in the booth. So you can walk away from this.”
Ryan took that as his cue to pat the man down. He only found a radio, flashlight, cigarettes, lighter, keys, and phone, “No gun.” He told Jack.
“Oh good.” Jack nodded, “So what do you say? You don’t call the cops or your buddies, and we leave here happy and alive?”
The man nodded fervently.
Ryan removed the knife. He took the radio and smashed it on the ground before stomping it with his boot. The phone he stashed in a pocket.
The guard looked sadly at the phone as it disappeared, but he wasn’t about to argue with the scary skull faced guy who smelled like maple.
“You saw nothing.” Jack told him.
“I don’t think we can risk a witness. Let’s dump him in the woods somewhere. Missing person, makes him the suspect.” Geoff quickly decided.
“Whee!” Ryan grinned and with one swift motion he brought the knife back up. The blade easily pierced the guard’s throat and buried itself in the base of his skull.
The guard barely managed to utter a wet gurgle, before dropping to his knees.
Ryan removed the knife and let the guard’s body drop the rest of the way to the ground. He couldn’t help but giggle as he wiped the blood from the knife on the guard’s jacket.
“You always gotta be a fucking creep about it, don’t you?” Jack shook his head and straightened his cap.
“Seriously, man.” Geoff agreed with Jack.
“What? I’m not allowed to enjoy what I do? Do we have to have this conversation every time I kill someone? It’s getting real old, fellas.” Ryan complained.
“Not every time you kill someone; every time you giggle like a little school girl getting her first crush when you kill someone.” Geoff clarified.
“You guys are such spoil sports.” Ryan whined as he put his knife away, “Learn to enjoy life; have some fun once in a while!”
“Dude, our definitions of fun wildly differ.” Michael chuckled, “Well, not sometimes. Sometimes we’re pretty in sync, but most times. Most times you’re a creepy ass motherfucker.”
“Dwawww, thank you Mogar!” Ryan grinned, “You’re so sweet.”
Jack huffed, and crossed his arms, changing the subject, “Still need my help, Geoff?”
“Actually, you should stay with your truck. Get it back out onto the road and ready to go. Vagabond, you come and help me out. Then I’ll help you.” Geoff ordered.
“Sounds good.” Jack nodded.
“Alright; heading over.” Ryan let him know. He violently shuddered from the cold.
“Y’all alright?” Jack asked.
Ryan waved him off, and went over towards where he knew Geoff was parked.
Geoff was stood waiting for him with the pipes on the ground around his feet. He raised his arms and gestured to them.
Ryan shrugged.
“So just grab a piece and let’s do this.” Geoff suggested.
Between the two of them they managed to get the pipes into the storage on the water truck. There was some struggle but overall the extra hands made it much easier. With Geoff set and ready to go, they hopped up into his truck and drove over to where Jeremy was still seated in Ryan’s milk truck.
Jeremy was surprised to see the two of them drive up. He waved at them as both climbed out of the truck.
Ryan opened the driver’s side door again, letting in another blast of cold air, “How you doing?”
Jeremy wrapped his arms around himself, “I was fine until you showed up.” He chuckled.
Ryan smirked and closed the door.
Geoff was already wrangling the pipes, “Come on, the faster we finish, the faster we leave this shit hole.”
Ryan picked up a pipe and began stuffing it away with Geoff’s help. He then had an idea, “You know, Lil’ J’s in there basically naked.”
Geoff looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
“I bet you two grand we could get him to roll in the snow for five bucks.” Ryan smirked.
“Hell, He’d do it for free.” Michael added.