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Hikaru Sulu sat perfectly still as the doctor ran the tricorder over his shoulder. He'd been more or less silent since beaming back aboard the Enterprise, except for acknowledging orders. Pavel Chekov watched from a discreet distance, also silent, but his expression betrayed his worry. It was an expression he'd worn more or less constantly for the last several hours.
"Perfectly sound," Dr. Leonard McCoy declared at last. "The necrotic tissue is completely gone, and there's no sign of infection. Everything's healed up nicely."
Pavel didn't like the sound of necrotic tissue, but he said nothing. Hikaru looked up at McCoy through his long, dark lashes and asked, "So I can go?"
McCoy nodded. "You can go." As Hikaru rolled down the sleeve of his uniform shirt, the doctor turned to Pavel and added, "Mr. Chekov, can you help him back to his quarters?"
"Of course, Doctor," Pavel said, coming forward.
Hikaru staggered a little when he stood up; Pavel was at his side instantly, an arm about his waist, supporting him. McCoy's eyebrows drew together in a frown. "Are you okay to get back to your quarters? Because you can stay here..."
"I'm fine," Hikaru said quickly--too quickly, Pavel thought--and straightened. "Just tired. I'll be all right."
McCoy looked skeptical. He glanced at Pavel, who understood the look and nodded. He would get his friend safely to bed.
Hikaru shrugged off Pavel's arm and quit Med Bay on his own, but Pavel stuck close to him. After more than a decade of service together, he knew his friend. Sure enough, he barely made it to the lift before he slumped again. Pavel caught him. He wished he had McCoy's bedside manner or the captain's easy confidence; he'd even have settled for Slim's quick sense of humor. All three had a flair for words he lacked. They headed the rest of the way to the proper deck in silence.
Officers had quarters on one deck, enlisted on another. The crewmen largely slept in berthing. Most NCOs and junior officers slept three or four to a room, but senior command each had their own quarters--well, except for the captain and McCoy, but they were married. Still, Pavel knew which room was Hikaru's, even knew the code for the door, though he'd never used it before. Since the senior helmsman was obviously too weary, Pavel punched it in for him.
"Thanks," Hikaru said, smiling faintly.
Pavel smiled back. "But of course."
Scarcely had they made it inside when Hikaru started trembling. He leaned heavily on Pavel's shoulder. "S-sorry," he murmured. "I-it's just--"
"Shh. It's all right," Pavel said soothingly. This he knew how to deal with. "Come, let's put you to bed."
Hikaru let Pavel guide him to the bed, talking in a low voice as he did so. "It was--damn it, I've never been so afraid in my life. I thought every minute that that woman would kill me, or the captain, or Dr. McCoy. And we didn't know where the Enterprise was...if you were alive..."
"I understand," Pavel said seriously. "At least part of it." He knelt down to help Hikaru get his shoes off. "Want to talk about what happened?"
Hikaru stared vacantly at his feet as though he'd never seen them before. "Not really...what happened up here? Where'd you go?"
"About a thousand light-years away," Pavel answered. "Zat woman, whoever she was--"
"Commander Losira. Except she was really a computer program."
Pavel somehow wasn't surprised. "She must have moved ze Enterprise somehow. At first we thought we had been attacked, but zen I noticed zat ze stars were in ze wrong place. Mr. Spock had me run ze calculations and set a course back here."
Hikaru looked up as Pavel stood. "I heard--Mr. Spock told us about Keenser."
"Zat was a shame," Pavel said. "Mr. Scott was wery upset." He turned back the covers. "We almost lost Mr. Scott, too. He said ze ship...felt wrong. Mr. Spock said he was being illogical if ze instruments read correctly, but Slim said ze same thing. Zen when Keenser was killed..." He trailed off.
"There's a lot to be said for instinct," Hikaru murmured. He fell back onto his bed. "Saved us down there..."
"Saved us, too," Pavel agreed. "Certain you don't want to put on your pajamas?" When Hikaru nodded, Pavel pulled the covers up over Hikaru and tucked him in deftly.
Hikaru smiled faintly. "You've done this a lot."
"For Petya and Mikhail--and sometimes little Anton," Pavel answered. Hikaru was one of two people on the ship to know that Pavel was the fourth of five sons and that he had grown up with them and nine cousins, all male. At least, that had been the count when he'd left for the Academy seventeen years earlier. For all he knew, there were more. Certainly he had nephews or nieces by now.
Hikaru took a deep breath. "Anyway. Mr. Scott. You almost lost him. How?"
Pavel took a seat on the chair near the bed. "Ze woman had tampered with ze matter-antimatter integrator. Mr. Scott had to climb into ze crawlway to fix it. He set up some explosives so zat if anything went wrong, he could be jettisoned immediately. While zey were working, Slim..." He paused, frowning slightly as he tried to remember. "Actually, I'm not sure what he did. But whatever it was, he told Mr. Spock zat ze Enterprise had been put through a molecular transporter and reassembled slightly out of phase. Mr. Scott had to reverse ze polarity. His tool got stuck and we almost ran out of time, and Mr. Scott was yelling for Mr. Spock to jettison him, but he gave him a few more seconds. He was able to get ze tool unstuck and save ze ship--and himself."
"And the rest of you," Hikaru said.
"And ze rest of us," Pavel agreed.
Hikaru's eyes closed. "Then what?" he murmured.
"Zen we headed back to ze planet as fast as we could safely go. Mr. Spock and a security guard beamed down and brought you back. Ze rest you know."
Pavel waited, but Hikaru said nothing more. He'd fallen asleep. Pavel didn't move; from watching his brother and little cousins, he knew that there were four stages of sleep. Hikaru was in the first, lightest stage, and it wasn't until he'd been asleep for at least forty minutes that Pavel could be sure he wouldn't wake up if he made any noise. Instead, he remained where he was, watching the light rise and fall of Hikaru's chest under the blankets.
The two of them had been friends since the day they'd come aboard the Enterprise, cadets still a few weeks away from their graduation. Hikaru, like most of the rest of the crew, had been twenty-two, while Pavel had only just turned seventeen. The others had always referred to him as "the kid"; most of the older crew members still did, although he was close to thirty and there were plenty of new personnel fresh out of the Academy--to say nothing of Slim, who was only fourteen. He didn't mind when the captain or McCoy or Scott did it, since he knew they used the term out of affection, but the others usually meant it in an insulting fashion.
Hikaru had never called him that. Not even once. After the Battle for Earth, when they were all safely back on the planet's surface and allowed to go off-duty, most of the other cadets had gone for a celebratory drink, relieved to be alive, especially when so many of their classmates--seven ships' worth--were dead. Pavel had had to beg off because he was still legally too young to drink. Instead, he'd gone back to his dorm room. He'd changed into his civilian clothes, he'd written in his personal journal, he'd tried to read a book, but in the end he'd been too restless and gone out of the room. Wandering aimlessly, he'd ended up on the roof of the building, thinking he was still alone. And then he'd heard the sounds of crying.
A lump rose in Pavel's throat as he remembered coming around the corner to find Hikaru, sitting with his back against the condensing unit, knees drawn up to his chest, arms around them, face buried in them, shoulders shaking with sobs. Pavel had recognized him instantly and asked what was wrong. And Hikaru, who had no reason to tell him, who would have been perfectly within his rights to tell him to go away, had opened up about his twin sister Chitose, who'd been one of the few non-cadets aboard the Hood.
They'd pretty much been friends ever since, best friends. They shared their secrets, their triumphs, their failures, their joys, their sorrows. Pavel knew not to try and joke Hikaru out of his black moods on the anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan; Hikaru knew that Pavel didn't cry, not because he didn't want to, but because he genuinely didn't know how to.
And then Slim had come along. Initially, they'd been wary of being friends with him because he was the captain's son, but Pavel had watched him and remembered what it was like to be the "baby" of the ship. Thomas James Kirk was the same age when he first set foot on the Enterprise as Pavel Andreivich Chekov had been when he'd stepped off the shuttle for his first day at the Academy, and Pavel had felt a kind of sympathy for him. He'd talked Hikaru into giving the boy a chance. Things had been awkward at first, but within six weeks he'd become an integral part of their lives, the third member of their little group. Now, almost a year later, Pavel almost couldn't imagine what it had been like before he'd come along. But there were still things that Slim didn't know about the older two men--things they'd kept from him.
Then again, there were one or two things Pavel hadn't even told Hikaru.
He sat quietly with his thoughts as he watched. Finally, he decided that Hikaru was sleeping deeply enough that he could go. He rose from the chair, put it back where he'd got it as quietly as possible, and said softly, "Lights, five percent."
The lights responded to his command, dimming to almost nothing as he tiptoed towards the door. He'd almost reached it when he heard a low moan from behind him. "No..."
Pavel froze, head snapping back around. Had Hikaru woken up after all? A moment later, he again heard the cry. "No!"
Quickly, Pavel went back into the room. Hikaru was still asleep, but he was twisting and whimpering, thrashing about on the bed. Obviously, he was in the grip of a nightmare. "Nooo," he moaned, throwing up a hand feebly. "Stop--no--"
Pavel couldn't stand seeing Hikaru in such pain. Swiftly, he crossed to the bed, bent over, and seized both of Hikaru's shoulders, holding him still. "Hikaru!" he said, loudly and firmly. "Wake up!"
Hikaru grabbed Pavel's shirt, his eyes snapping open. After a moment, they focused, and he relaxed slightly. "You," he gasped.
"Me," Pavel agreed gently.
"Oh, God." Hikaru didn't let go of Pavel's shirt--if anything, he held on tighter. "I--I was on that planet again...and you were there this time...she was coming for you and I c-couldn't--"
"Shh," Pavel soothed him. "It's all right, Hikaru. It was just a nightmare."
Hikaru looked up, his brown eyes pleading with Pavel's blue ones. "Don't leave me," he whispered. "Stay. Please."
Pavel's heart skipped a beat. He forced himself to speak normally. "Of course."
He toed out of his shoes and sat on the edge of Hikaru's bed. Hikaru scooted up the headboard, moving against Pavel's side. Hesitantly, Pavel put his arms around Hikaru, pulling him close. Hikaru curled into him and leaned his head on the younger man's chest.
"I was so scared down there," he whispered. Pavel could hear the threat of tears in Hikaru's voice. "I was scared about what had happened to you. I couldn't have stood it if anything had happened to you."
Pavel stroked Hikaru's hair gently, the way he had with his cousins when they were small. "I was scared, too," he said softly. "Not for myself, or ze Enterprise. I was scared for you. When we could not reach you, when I found out zat Ensign Wyatt was killed...and zen when I found out about Keenser..." He swallowed, hard. "I can't lose you, Hikaru."
"I don't know how the captain and Dr. McCoy do it," Hikaru murmured. He let go of his death grip on Pavel's shirt, but slid his arms around his waist instead. "How do you let someone you care about get into dangerous situations without you? How do you leave them behind?"
"You'll notice zey were both on zis mission," Pavel said dryly.
"I wish you'd been there," Hikaru whispered softly. "At least then I'd have known."
"I wish you had been on ze Enterprise," Pavel admitted.
Hikaru was silent for a long minute. Pavel thought he had fallen asleep, but then he spoke again. "I was supposed to be on first watch--I was on first watch--and I'd thought the captain and Dr. McCoy were both fine, that I was the only one overreacting and being scared. But then I glanced over and...Dr. McCoy was holding the captain, protecting him." His voice dropped a little. "Like you're doing now. And...I think I understood then. They were both scared. But not as scared. Because they had each other. It would've been okay if I'd had you..."
Pavel fought back another one of those unexpected flutters. Hikaru didn't mean it like that. Of course he didn't. They were friends, best friends, nothing more than that. They'd have been drinking buddies if either of them drank, wingmen if either had been inclined to go to bars and pick up women. As close as they were, there was nothing more than friendship between them.
But Pavel would be lying if he said he didn't wish there was.
"It's okay," he said softly, stroking Hikaru's hair again. "I'm here now."
"Don't leave me," Hikaru said again.
"I won't," Pavel promised. "Not tonight. Not ever."
Hikaru sighed, relaxing into Pavel's side. "I can't lose you," he murmured. "Like losing a part of myself. My firebird. My heart."
Within moments he was asleep.
Pavel stared into the darkness, his body absolutely still. My firebird. He'd told Hikaru once, early in their friendship, that the firebird stories had always been his favorite fairy tales as a small boy, the one thing he could remember of his mother--stories about a bird that gave hope to all who needed it, a bird whose feathers glowed mysteriously and warmed those who beheld them, a bird who (in some legends) dropped pearls from its beak, giving penniless peasants something to trade. Hikaru had been interested, had said it sounded very much like the hō-ō of his own culture, a bird that symbolized fire, the sun, justice, obedience, and fidelity.
Faith and hope--that was what the firebird really meant to the two of them. And that was what Hikaru had called him. His firebird. His faith. His hope. His heart.
Again, he tried to tell himself that there was no way Hikaru meant it like that. He was emotionally strung out, his nerves frayed beyond recognition by what he'd gone through on the planet. He only meant that Pavel was his best friend, that was all. Despite the deepest hopes and wishes of Pavel's heart, Hikaru didn't see him any other way.
He leaned back against the headboard and shut his eyes, but sleep was a long time in coming.
"Keptin, may I speak with you for a moment, please?"
Kirk turned in surprise to look at Pavel, who blushed a little but tried not to look away. "Is something the matter, Mr. Chekov?"
"N-not exactly," Pavel said cautiously. "I-it's just...you said once zat if I ever needed to talk with you..."
Something in Kirk's expression changed as he obviously recalled the conversation Pavel was referring to. "Oh. Yeah. Tell you what, let's go up to the observation deck--nobody'll be up there this time of day, we can talk in private."
"Thank you," Pavel said gratefully.
It was just after Alpha shift. The bridge crew had just changed. Most of the earlier shift had gone to get food, although Hikaru had silently and without looking at anyone headed for the small gym where he gave Slim fencing lessons twice a week. Ordinarily Pavel would have gone with him, but today...
Kirk stepped off the turbolift and led Pavel to the observation deck. As he had predicted, nobody was there. It was just the two of them and the huge, transparent wall of the observation bay, showing the stars dotting the inky blackness.
There was a small ledge in one corner, close to the transparent wall, just wide enough for two people to sit comfortably. Kirk settled himself on it, tucking one leg under the other. "What's up, kid?"
Pavel sat next to him, clasping his hands. "It's...I just..." He swallowed, then blurted out, "Ze first time you told Dr. McCoy zat you loved him...how did you get ze courage?"
Kirk snorted softly, dropping his head for a moment before looking out at the stars. "I was drunk. I had just sl--" He paused. "No, let's not sugarcoat it. I'd gone drinking, met a guy who was a smooth talker, and let him fuck me. Felt so guilty afterwards that I went straight to Bones' dorm--woke him up, it was like two in the morning--and told him I'd screwed up."
"Were you already together?" Pavel was startled. He never would have pegged the captain as the sort to cheat on someone...
But Kirk was shaking his head. "No, we were still just friends at that point. But...you know I had a reputation as a ladies' man. Well, I probably could've had the same reputation among the male cadets. But I thought...I dunno. Thought if I could avoid sleeping with another man, it wouldn't feel like I was betraying Bones as much. I told him that. He asked me what I was talking about, and...that's when I told him I loved him. Let it all come out." He sighed, looking back at Pavel. "And he said he loved me, too. That night was the turning point--the point where we went from friends to, well, us."
Pavel let that sink in for a moment. Finally, he began slowly, "Ze next morning..."
Kirk seemed to know what he was thinking. "Bones was looking at me funny. I think he half-expected me to act like I hadn't meant anything I'd said, or like I couldn't remember having said anything. So I leaned over and kissed him and said it again. And believe me, kid, nobody was more relieved than me when he kissed me back."
Pavel twisted his fingers together, staring at them. Could his own story end up that way? Hikaru hadn't been drunk, but he'd been emotionally compromised when he'd said what he had said. And he'd never actually said I love you. Then again, Pavel hadn't been there when he'd woken up the next morning, and almost two weeks had passed since then. Maybe it was too late. Probably it was too late. Even if there was something there.
Kirk's voice cut gently into Pavel's thoughts. "Is everything okay with you and Sulu?"
"I d-don't know." Pavel swallowed hard. In a rush, he told Kirk everything--the conversation he and Hikaru had had that night, what he'd done, what he'd felt. "I had to go on shift ze next morning and I didn't have ze heart to wake him--I didn't leave a note or anything telling him where I was--and ever since it's just been...awkward. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do." He looked up imploringly. "I can't lose him. But I'm afraid I might have already."
Kirk's eyes radiated sympathy. "C'mere, kid," he said quietly, holding out an arm. Pavel leaned into him hesitantly. Kirk wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. After a moment, Pavel relaxed. It was what he had heard big brothers were supposed to be like. His own had been rather nasty, had been more interested in chasing and hurting young Pavel than in calming or helping him. But Kirk had always looked out for Pavel, and he found himself leaning on the captain's shoulder, feeling the comfort of his embrace.
"I know how you feel," Kirk continued, his voice barely above a whisper. "I spent three years trying to satisfy myself with just being Bones' friend, because I was sure he'd never think of me that way. And he spent three years doing the same thing. We laughed about it the next couple of days--about what idiots we'd been all that time." He paused. "We don't anymore."
"Why is zat?" Pavel looked up, his cornflower blue eyes wide.
Kirk looked down at him, his expression unusually serious. "Because of Nero," he said. "You know as well as I do--better--how many close calls we had up there, how close we came to not making it. And the thing is, I wasn't even supposed to be on the ship. I was grounded. Bones smuggled me aboard."
"And zat saved all our lives," Pavel pointed out. If Kirk hadn't been aboard, then even if anyone had realized there was a connection between the destruction of Vulcan and the communications Uhura had translated only days before, Spock would likely have gotten them all killed through dogged insistence on returning to Earth rather than chasing down Nero. They would have all been blown up in space. Or they would have survived, but San Francisco--and Earth--would have been destroyed.
"It did, but kid, that's the point." Kirk bit his lower lip. "I almost died. A lot. Bones could've been killed. And it wouldn't have been necessarily a matter of us both dying. One of us could have died and the other had to keep living." He shook his head. "I think we were the only two people in San Francisco who didn't go out and celebrate that night. We just went up to Bones' dorm room and held each other. Because what if something had happened to one of us? We were such idiots that we wasted three years we could've had together. As of that day, we'd been together for exactly thirty-six days. A month. That's nothing. Don't get me wrong, I treasured every minute of those days...but it would have been precious little to hold on to, if Bones had gotten killed and I hadn't been able to save him."
Fear gripped Pavel's heart. "I could have lost Hikaru on zat planet," he said softly. "And we wouldn't even have had zat..."
"Or he could've lost you. He was one step away from falling apart the whole time we were down there, because he didn't know where you were or if you were safe. He never said that in so many words, but I could tell he wasn't thinking of Spock or Slim whenever he started fretting about the Enterprise." Kirk tried to smile. "Hell, I almost fell apart. And I had Bones with me. I can only imagine the kind of hell I'd have been going through if I hadn't known he was alive."
Pavel curled a little into himself, and as a consequence against Kirk's side. "I don't even know what happened down zere. I didn't ask."
Quietly, Kirk told him everything--about the strange earthquakes, the toxic plants, D'Amato's death, the terror in the night. When he described Losira grabbing Hikaru's shoulder, Pavel couldn't hold back a small cry of pain. Kirk hugged him tighter and, in a voice that held a threat of tears, kept talking, telling him about the computer and how McCoy had eventually figured out what was going on.
"Thank God Bones was there," he murmured. "I honestly couldn't think straight. Neither could Sulu. I'd held it together up to that point, but realizing I couldn't protect them anymore...and Sulu was worse, because he thought he was going to die without having told you how he felt."
Pavel felt the fluttering in his stomach again. "You really think he--?" He broke off, a little unsure of himself.
Kirk managed a real smile. "To tell the truth, Chekov, I think I'm the only person on this ship who doesn't think you're already in a relationship. And I only know you're not because I see so much of myself in the two of you. But yes, I think he feels the same way about you that you do about him. I'm as sure as I can be without having actually asked him myself."
Pavel bit his lip. "How do you...share yourself so completely with someone? Let zem in on your secrets, ze things you've newer told anyone before?"
"It's not easy," Kirk admitted. "And you don't have to do it all at once. I've known Bones for more than fifteen years. Remember that night we were all talking about our first times? That was the first time Bones found out about that. I didn't know until the start of this mission why he and his ex got divorced. He only found out about Tarsus the night of Slim's birthday party. But the thing is that we're both okay with that. We both know there are still secrets to uncover, and that's okay. The important thing is that I know someday I will tell him everything. I've found someone I trust with every part of myself, the good and the bad, the things I'm proud of and the things I'm ashamed of. He may be my lover, but he's still my best friend, too. That's what you have to remember, kid. I'm willing to bet you've already let him in on a lot of your secrets, right? Things you haven't told anyone else. And he's told you a lot of things, too. You already trust him with your soul. Telling him you love him is just taking the additional step of trusting him with your heart."
Pavel sat in silence for a moment, letting the words fill him as he stared out at the ever-changing backdrop of space. It was true--he had given Hikaru almost everything of himself...except for his heart. At last, he said, "How do I know it won't get broken?"
"You don't," Kirk said simply. "Ever heard the song 'The Rose?'"
"No."
Kirk began to sing, softly, his voice low and sweet. Pavel had always loved listening to the captain sing, but this was different. This was just for him, for the two of them, and he felt the words wrap around him like a blanket. It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance...
The last note died away, and there was a moment of total silence before Kirk spoke softly. "Do you understand?"
"Yes," Pavel answered, just as softly. "I do." He straightened up and managed a faint smile at Kirk. "I...I think I need to go find Hikaru and tell him something important."
"I think that would be wise." Kirk smiled in reply.
They both stood. Pavel started to leave, then paused, turned back, and hugged Kirk tightly. "Thank you, Keptin."
"Any time, kid." Kirk hugged him back. "Any time."
Hikaru wasn't in the smaller gym. Everything had been neatly put back but bore obvious signs of having been used, so clearly he had been there. He just wasn't anymore. Pavel was a little surprised--usually Slim and Hikaru practiced for at least a full hour, if not two. Obviously today they had altered their routines.
Frowning, he headed for the lifts. As the door opened, he bumped straight into a young woman in a red shirt. "Oops, pardon me, Ensign," he mumbled.
"My apologies, Lieutenant." The ensign stood to one side.
Pavel paused. "Have you--seen Lieutenant Sulu?" he asked, with difficulty.
To his surprise, the ensign nodded. "He was coming out of the smaller gym when I went to talk to Sl--to the captain's son." She blushed slightly. "And, um, I passed him in the lift--he was getting off while I was getting on. On the officer's quarterdeck."
"Thank you, Ensign." Pavel smiled and hopped into the lift. A small part of his brain wondered why she'd been looking for Slim, but he pushed the matter aside.
He found himself bouncing slightly with impatience, silently urging the lift to go faster. And in his haste to get out when it finally arrived on deck, he accidentally caught his sleeve on the jamb, tearing it from elbow to cuff. He exclaimed in Russian as he examined the slashed sleeve. Part of him wanted to just keep going, but--no. He'd have to change his shirt, at the very least, before he went on looking for Hikaru.
Muttering to himself about what an idiot he was, he strode back to his quarters, punched in the code without looking, and stepped through. Like Hikaru's quarters, Pavel's consisted of a small sitting room, the bedroom, and a private bathroom. But while Hikaru's were filled with personal touches--pictures of himself and his family, knickknacks and gewgaws, things he'd brought from home and things he'd acquired since then--Pavel's were almost austere. He simply didn't have many personal things. The one exception, in the sitting room at least, sat on his desk.
Pavel bit his lip, then shucked his shirt, turned it inside out, and sat down at the desk. I really am going to go talk to him, he said to himself. I am. I won't chicken out. I just need to fix this first. If I don't fix it now, I'll forget.
So he flipped switches, adjusted the foot, and lined up the torn edges of the sleeve under the waiting needle of the sewing machine.
It didn't take nearly as long as he wanted it to for him to fix the damage. His father, a patriarchal dinosaur three centuries out of step, had always considered sewing an unmanly pursuit, but his mother had given in to young Pavel's pleas and taught him both hand-sewing and how to use a machine. His line of stitches was quick and neat, and in a few heartbeats it was ready.
He wasted a few more seconds checking the seam, wondering if he could justify ripping it out and starting over, then sighed and acknowledged to himself that he was putting off what he'd promised himself he would do. The truth was that he was afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing his best friend. The captain was a good man, and Slim was a surprisingly good friend, but neither one was Hikaru.
As he turned the shirt right-side-out, his door buzzed. Without thinking, he called, "Enter."
The door slid open. Pavel looked up--and froze. Hikaru stood in the doorway, his hair still damp from his shower. His face was pale, and Pavel's first reaction was that his shoulder was hurting him again, even though McCoy had said after he'd come back from the planet that he was completely healed.
"Hikaru," he gasped, trying to force air into his lungs. "I--I was--"
Hikaru stepped into the room, the door closing behind him. In three steps, he crossed over to Pavel, pulled him into his arms, and kissed him.
It was hot and passionate and almost frightening in its intensity. One of Hikaru's hands tangled in the hair at the back of Pavel's head, the other splayed across the small of his back, gathering him almost hungrily towards him. Pavel was momentarily paralyzed with shock, and then he managed to gather his wits. Tentatively, he returned the kiss, but at that, Hikaru broke away and pulled back.
"That...that wasn't what I meant to do," he said in a husky voice.
Pavel drew back, suddenly aware that he was still clutching his shirt in both hands. "I--I didn't--" he stammered, drawing it to his chest. Had he somehow misread the situation? It didn't seem possible, but...
Hikaru's dark brown eyes scanned Pavel's face anxiously. He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, I--I should have just...said what I came to say. But...God, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Pavel said softly, looking down at his feet. "What--what was it you wanted to say?" Best to get this over with, he thought. He would have to tell Hikaru how he felt, and after that moment it would be even harder to face the inevitable rejection, impossible to go back to being just friends. But it had to be done.
"I love you."
Pavel brought his head up sharply. The hope welling up in his breast frightened him, because if he'd misheard, if Hikaru hadn't meant that, when the hope burst, it would surely kill him. His eyes flicked back and forth rapidly across Hikaru's face, searching for any sign that he was joking, but found nothing. "What?" he half-whispered.
"I love you," Hikaru repeated. He took a step closer and reached out like he wanted to take Pavel in his arms again, but stopped himself. "I think I've been in love with you for a long time. But I tried to convince myself not to say anything, because you're my best friend, and I was terrified of ruining that. I meant what I said the other night--I can't lose you--and I knew if I told you I loved you, and you didn't feel the same way, we wouldn't be able to go back to what we've always had. I told myself that being your friend was better than nothing. And all these years, I've managed to get by on that. But then...on that planet, being stalked by that woman...I was suddenly terrified. I thought I was going to die, or you were going to die up here, and that you'd never know how I felt. That you'd never know what you mean to me. I promised myself, while Dr. McCoy was treating my shoulder, that if we survived, if we got back, I would tell you everything. But when we did...I was still so scared and shaky...I couldn't say it. I tried to tell you that night, but I couldn't quite work up the nerve to say the words. So I said everything but that. And I almost let myself hope...with some of the things you were saying. But you were also taking care of me the way you--the way you looked after your little cousins. And then when I woke up the next day, you were gone. Even though I knew you had to get back to work...I convinced myself that you didn't feel that way about me. I've been dancing around you these last two weeks because I thought I'd finally done it, that I'd finally ruined everything and that I'd lost you for good. But I was talking to Slim today, and...I knew I had to tell you, had to get everything out, even if you don't feel the same way." He hesitated for a moment, and this time he did take Pavel's shoulders in his hands. "But...that's not true, is it?" he whispered. "That you don't feel the same way?"
Electricity surged through Pavel's skin beneath Hikaru's hands. Happiness and fear threatened to choke him, and for a moment he couldn't speak, could only stare into Hikaru's eyes with slightly parted lips. At last, he managed, "No. No, it's--" He swallowed, then reached up with trembling hands and put them on Hikaru's shoulders. Softly, he said, "I love you, too."
Hikaru stilled. Pavel moved a little closer and continued, "I think I've loved you almost since zat first night, when we sat on ze roof of ze dorms and you told me about Chitose. But I was only sewenteen, and I didn't know how to tell you. And zen we became friends, and I was afraid to tell you zat I wanted to be more, because I was afraid you would leave me. I was willing to just be your friend if zat was all you wanted, because at least I would have you. And zen you were on zat planet and we were a thousand lightyears away, and I almost fell apart on ze bridge. I...I thought I had lost you, and zat you would newer know how I felt. Zat I had lost my only chance. And zen you came back onto ze bridge, and you were alive, and...I still couldn't tell you. I thought if I went with you to Med Bay I might get a chance, but..." He swallowed hard. "What you were saying zat night...I didn't dare let myself hope. I told myself it was just zat you were emotionally strung out, zat your nerves were strained and zat you--you didn't mean it ze way it sounded. I had a hard time falling asleep, and when I woke up, I told myself you needed sleep and zat it would be better not to leave a note. Zat we would...talk, later. And zen I've just been awoiding you ewer since, because I thought it would hurt less if I didn't give you ze chance to tell me you didn't mean it. But it didn't."
Hikaru reached up and touched Pavel's cheek softly. "I guess we're just a pair of idiots, then."
"I think ze whole crew knew before we did," Pavel agreed. Unconsciously, he leaned into Hikaru's hand.
Hikaru rubbed the ball of his thumb across Pavel's cheek for a moment, then leaned forward and captured his lips with his own again. This time, the kiss was tender and sweet and unhurried, like they had all the time in the universe. Pavel closed his eyes and kissed him back, savoring the taste of his lips, the gentleness of his touch. Nobody had ever kissed him like that before.
He didn't want it to end.
"Pavel," Hikaru breathed against Pavel's lips. He deepened the kiss, his tongue probing lightly into Pavel's mouth. The hand on Pavel's cheek slid around to the back of his head; his other hand brushed Pavel's back, very lightly, just above the base of his spine. It sent a jolt of electricity running through his body. He gasped, breaking the kiss and pulling back.
To his credit, Hikaru stopped instantly, looking at Pavel anxiously. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"N-nothing," Pavel said, hesitantly. He was a little bit afraid of where this was inevitably heading, but he didn't want to ruin everything.
"No, it's something." Hikaru backed away a little, although without letting go. "Tell me what it is, Pavel. Please."
Pavel bit his lip. "I-it's just...I don't know what to do," he blurted out. "You remember when I told you about ze first time I--"
"I remember," Hikaru said, his eyes darkening slightly. "At least, you told us about the lead-up to it. I didn't want to press you about what happened after he gave you the tattoo."
"He...told me to lie down on my stomach and...he did what he wanted." Pavel swallowed hard. "But...ze only other time...you remember my twenty-first birthday party?"
"Only vaguely," Hikaru admitted.
"We were drinking vodka, ze real stuff. You left early..."
"That I do remember. That was when I discovered I had an alcohol allergy."
"I didn't know zat until ze next day. All I knew was zat you weren't zere. I thought I'd done something wrong," Pavel said. "So I...kept drinking. Mr. Scott was still zere, and so were a few of ze engineers and one or two science officers. One of ze engineers started chatting me up, and...I'm still not sure exactly what happened zat night, but when I woke up--" He broke off, biting his lower lip, remembering the following morning, thinking he'd fallen out of bed until the lieutenant whose bed he'd been sleeping in had nudged him, none too gently, with a foot to the ribs...
Hikaru stilled. After a moment, he said quietly, "Did he hurt you?"
Pavel hesitated, then remembered what Kirk had said about trusting Hikaru with everything. He nodded, looking down. "I--I almost couldn't move. Dr. McCoy managed to fix everything--zere aren't any scars--but...yes, it hurt." He looked up, then flinched back from the look in Hikaru's eyes. "I--I'm sorry," he stammered, pulling away.
Hikaru stopped him. "Pavel--you don't have anything to be sorry for. You didn't--"
"Zat's just it. I don't remember what I did. Or what I...agreed to do." Pavel blushed.
"You didn't agree to anything," Hikaru said fiercely.
"You don't know zat."
"Yes, I do. You told me you were drunk--so drunk that you don't remember what happened. That means you weren't able to consent to anything." Hikaru's expression softened. "And if he hurt you...God, Pavel, did you tell McCoy what happened?"
"I told him what I could remember," Pavel said slowly. "He wanted me to tell ze keptin, but..."
Hikaru didn't say anything, just stared at him. Pavel swallowed again. "Ze point is...I--I don't know what to do. I've newer...knowingly done anything, and...I d-don't want to disappoint you. But I--"
"Pavel," Hikaru interrupted. He drew Pavel close and kissed him again, gently, almost chastely, then rested his forehead against Pavel's. "You could never disappoint me, koibito. But let's not rush this, okay? If you're not ready, we don't have to go any further right now."
Pavel's eyes widened. "R-really?" What did he know? He'd never even been in love before, let alone actually together with someone. Both of his sexual experiences had been casual hook-ups.
"Really." Hikaru looked into Pavel's eyes and smiled. "I promise. I will never make you do anything you don't want to do."
Pavel smiled tentatively back. "I--I don't think I'm ready. Not right now."
"Okay." Hikaru straightened up and let his hands run lightly down Pavel's arms, then took his hands in his own. "Have you eaten?" When Pavel shook his head, Hikaru smiled again. "Then why don't we go grab something?"
"Good idea." Pavel let go of Hikaru's hands, bent over, and picked up the shirt he'd dropped somewhere along the line. He pulled it over his head quickly.
"Why'd you have it off?" Hikaru asked as Pavel emerged through the neck.
"Tore ze sleeve," Pavel admitted, flipping over his arm and showing Hikaru the new seam. "I was in such a hurry to find you and talk to you zat I wasn't paying attention when I left ze lift."
Hikaru laughed and took Pavel's hand. "C'mon, let's go up to the cafeteria. I'm starving."
Pavel smiled, lacing his fingers through Hikaru's. "Me, too."
As they headed through the corridors, Pavel thought back to all the times he and Hikaru had walked the ship's halls together, both stubbornly trying to pretend they were nothing more than friends--pretending so well that they had even fooled one another, although they apparently hadn't fooled anyone else. Even when they didn't touch, they had always walked close together. It was only now that he realized just how much he had missed that closeness in the two weeks since the encounter with the Kalandrans. Silently, he resolved that he would never allow something like that to happen again. If he and Hikaru ever had an awkwardness or, God forbid, a dispute spring up between them, he wouldn't let them go more than a shift without talking about it. Happiness was too fleeting, life too fragile a thing to squander on misunderstandings.
This time of shift, most people coming off of Alpha had already eaten, and the people on Gamma hadn't woken up yet, so there was rarely anyone in the cafeterias. However, when they walked into the officer's mess they usually chose, Pavel wasn't in the least bit surprised to see Slim and Kirk sitting at a table, half-eaten plates in front of them, deep in conversation. Kirk said something and Slim laughed, throwing his head back in the way that he had. In doing so, he caught sight of Hikaru and Pavel, and grinned. "Hey! Y'all want to join us?"
Hikaru glanced at Pavel, then turned back to Slim. "If that's all right with you two."
"Absolutely." Kirk glanced at their clasped hands, then up at Pavel, his eyes crinkling upwards in a smile. "Everything all right, Mr. Chekov?" he added quietly.
Pavel squeezed Hikaru's hand, his smile so big he almost thought his head was going to split in half. "Never better, Keptin."