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The first time, it caught him off guard.
It wasn’t as though he expected Levi to be fine, not after everything…or at least, he told himself that it was completely unreasonable to do so. Truly, he had expected more trouble, more of a reaction, night terrors or something of that nature. He hadn’t expected the way that it happened, the way that Levi’s eyes would go glassy, the way he would simply…disappear.
But that first time that Levi neglected to come to bed after a long day of training, Erwin tried not to think anything of it, tried not to worry too much, tried not to assign some deeper meaning. They had shared their quarters since they’d come to Shinganshina, hadn’t spent a night apart since those first starry nights on the road. For Levi not to come to him at the end of the day was…strange, at the least.
The night stretched on, and Erwin first put their quarters into order, straightening things and dusting the way Levi liked. When that was completed, he made sure that he had a clean uniform set out for the next day and then meticulously cleaned his 3DMG, every strap and blade. By that time, it was well after midnight, and he began to get…scared.
It was a foreign feeling these days, except when they left the walls. When they’d met, he’d been somewhat consistently terrified on Levi’s behalf, but after almost a year of relative peace, the feeling itself felt like a betrayal, as though he was somehow denying Levi the sort of trust and credit he deserved. At the same time, Erwin knew that there were crimes in the city at times. That such crimes would come out to the Survey Corps outpost seemed unthinkable, and yet it was after midnight, and Levi had not returned.
When he could no longer stand to wait, Erwin left, making his way through the quiet base, unsure of where to start his search but assuming that he would need his horse. As he walked toward the stables, however, he heard the unmistakable sound of gear and a body flying through the air, landing, turning, and firing again. He changed course quickly and ran straight to the training grounds. It was there, flying through the dark like a shadow, that he found Levi.
“Levi, come down here,” he said, slipping into his most commanding tone. Levi stopped, perched carefully atop a wooden plank meant to function as a mock tree limb, and stared at him in the dark. Erwin felt his heart begin to pound; the set of Levi’s shoulders was all wrong, his body stiff in an unfamiliar way, inexplicably rigid where it was usually so fluid. Something had happened. Something had gone terribly wrong.
“Levi,” he said again, trying to find his eyes in the slivers of moonlight. It was too dark, though…it was of no use.
And then Levi was flying through the air again, soaring over the targets, and Erwin felt his guts clenching as he realized that Levi’s usually fluid style was all but gone…he was moving like another person, moving as though he had been somehow terribly injured, but deadly fast all the same. Using the gear at night was expressly forbidden; he must have waited until everyone else was in bed. Had anyone else seen him and been unable to stop him, they would have called Erwin.
Finally, he said Levi’s name again, though this time he took the time to couch his tone in deep authority, that name on his lips less of a command and more of a demand, a sound that was not to be ignored. As the echoes of it rang through the training grounds, Levi stopped, stared at him again, and then dropped stiffly to the ground.
In a moment, Erwin was on him, grasping his face in his hands, tilting it up to the moonlight, trying to ascertain the damage. He could see that Levi was glassy-eyed and blank-faced, but that was all…nothing else seemed to be getting through. “Come with me,” he said, his heart rending a hole in his chest, and somehow Levi obliged, letting himself be led along by the hand like a child, his movements stiff and unyielding.
As Erwin led him to their quarters, his mind raced for a solution. Levi needed something, something was wrong, and Erwin’s instincts told him that it had to do with the trauma, but he couldn’t be sure without knowing what had caused this. He wracked his brain for a clue as they walked, but by the time they were crossing the threshold of their room, he had decided that his only real option was to allow his instincts to guide him. He wanted to ask Levi, wanted to tell him to talk, but he seemed so taut and tightly wound, and Erwin would never forgive himself for putting on pressure when gentleness was needed. The resulting fractures could ruin them both.
Levi walked across the room and sat stiffly in a chair, staring straight ahead. Erwin swallowed a thousand questions, took a blanket from their bed, and draped it over him, but Levi didn’t acknowledge it. Erwin grimaced and turned to make Levi a cup of his favorite tea, but as he began to put the water to boil, an idea struck him. He turned and pulled Levi up and toward the door, and though he expected Levi to resist, he saw nothing more than a vague question pass through those grey eyes before it dissolved and slipped away entirely. He was, apparently, quite beyond caring.
Erwin walked quickly, pulling Levi along by the hand so that he would keep up, his short legs forced to work double-time just to manage the pace, but Erwin wasn’t about to slow down. He made a beeline for the infirmary, the only place on the entire military base where water was piped in directly and didn’t require being drawn from a well or a pump. When they reached the building, Erwin was pleased to find it unlocked. He lit a lantern and went to work trying to decipher how to work the system of taps that serviced the tub. It took a few tries, but after adjusting the taps several times he was able to fill the bath with steaming hot water. It wasn’t even half the size of the tub Levi had at the Crimson House (Erwin had never seen any tub that large, truth be told), but it would accommodate Levi’s small form just fine. Levi watched it filling with disinterest, but Erwin was sure that would change when he stepped into it. Regardless, he obediently allowed Erwin to strip him down gear and all, and when the tub was full and Erwin coaxed him toward it, he stepped gingerly inside.
As he soaked, Erwin folded his clothes neatly and found some soap and towels. He rolled up his sleeves, pulled a stool up next to the basin, and began washing Levi with gentle precision. He scrubbed his body, noting the dark bruising from the gear Levi had no doubt spent far too long wearing today. There were other injuries, injuries he didn’t recognize; Levi’s hands were raw, his knees and elbows covered in scrapes and scratches, his muscles bunched and tense. But something happened as the water and soap washed over him, some subtle but imperative change, his shoulders slowly shifting, his neck stretching forward, the small, almost inexplicable movements and mannerisms that defined his usual behavior returning to him just a little bit at a time.
When Erwin caught his eyes again, they were no longer glassy and empty, just painfully lost. He used his hands to cup up water, whispered for Levi to close his eyes as he let the water cascade over his hair, as he rubbed the soap into it and gently rinsed it clean.
“You can open them now,” he murmured, and when he did, Erwin saw that his eyes were bloodshot and rimmed with a moisture that had nothing to do with the bath.
“I’m sorry,” Levi whispered so softly that Erwin wouldn’t have known he spoke at all, if not for the movements of his lips. But Erwin shook his head and pulled Levi into his chest, murmuring that it was fine again and again and again.
Then, just a little louder than he had before, Levi whispered, “I’m all wet,” in protest.
“I don’t care,” Erwin whispered back with a chuckle, stroking his dripping hair, placing a kiss on his head. They sat like that until Levi started to shiver and Erwin realized that the water had lost most of it’s warmth. With a sigh, he pulled Levi out of the tub and dried him off gently, wrapping him up in a towel.
“I don’t want to put on my dirty clothes,” Levi whispered, and Erwin nodded and promised that he would be right back. With a sigh he walked back to their quarters, found loose, comfortable, clean clothes and brought them back to the infirmary. Levi was standing next to the tub, staring into it with an unreadable expression. Erwin began to hand him the clothes, but thought better of it, electing instead to take away his towel and dress him himself. After Levi was dressed, Erwin drained the tub, gathered the cloth and towel to be given to the laundry, and began leading Levi toward the door, but Levi stopped.
“What is it?” Erwin asked with a tilt of his head, and Levi’s gaze fell to his feet, which Erwin realized, quite belatedly, were bare. With a small smile, Erwin pulled Levi into his arms, carrying him out the door with a flourish. Levi struggled a bit, a frown on his face, but Erwin just hushed him with a promise that no one was around to see it. They arrived at their quarters and Erwin opened the door one handed before setting Levi on the floor. Wordlessly, they climbed into bed, and Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi’s small form sighing and he pulled him in close.
They laid like that for a moment, each of them breathing in the other, and finally in the safety and refuge of the dark, Levi offered a simple, “It all…came back.”
“I know,” Erwin replied, hand coming up to stroke Levi’s head.
“I didn’t…I just…sometimes it helps to…practice. To work. To fly.”
“I know.”
“I lost track of time.”
Erwin nodded, hushing Levi gently, pressing a kiss into the dampness of his hair. “Did the bath help?”
Levi nodded, curling into Erwin’s chest, wrapping his hands in Erwin’s shirt. “It…it always has.”
“Good,” Erwin replied softly.
Silence filled the room again, and just as Erwin felt his eyelids finally growing heavy, Levi spoke again. “I’m not weak, or anything…I just. Sometimes I can’t…”
Erwin squeezed him tightly and kissed his head again. “I know, Levi. You’re Humanity’s Strongest, after all…”
Levi scoffed.
“But…next time, will you come to me? Instead of the training grounds? You could have died out there with a single miscalculation…”
“I wouldn’t have miscalculated.”
“Even so…”
The request hung heavy between them, and for a moment, Erwin was concerned that what he’d asked was too much. Just as he was opening his mouth to tell Levi it was fine, to assure him that he didn’t have to come to him, Levi broke in and stated a simple, “Okay.”
“Good,” Erwin said, letting go of a shaky breath. “Thank you.”
“Whatever,” Levi muttered. Erwin couldn’t help but smile softly then. Somehow, he’d managed to bring Levi back from whatever dark place he’d gone too. He knew it wouldn’t be the last time but…he’d done it. He’d successfully pulled Levi from the darkest parts of himself.
They breathed together in the dark, each of them relaxing into the other until somehow they’d both slipped into sleep.