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“...What are you doing?” Dean asked, voice pitched low as he stepped close beside Cas to follow his line of sight into the library.
Sam was in what looked to be an intense educational lecture regarding the difference between magic, science, and alchemy to Jack, the Nephilim’s brow furrowed as he nodded solemnly and listened.
When Dean came out of the corridor from his room, he’d faltered seeing Cas leaning in the archway leading to the kitchen and garage, expression… mournful. Disappointed, somehow, even angry.
When he didn’t answer, Dean pivoted, green eyes studying the lines of his face. “Cas?”
“This isn’t what I wanted for him,” he admitted, pain in his eyes raw as he turned away, stalking down the corridor.
Hesitating, Dean looked once to the library. The animation in Sam’s lecture, the crook of Jack’s mouth. He didn’t see what was so wrong with it; even thought it was nice to get to see. With a frown, he followed Cas down the hall and into the kitchen, hesitating to see the angel seated at the table rubbing his temple.
“What’s bothering you, Cas?”
“It’s nothing, Dean.”
“Clearly,” he answered as he settled onto the stool across the table.
Castiel didn’t meet his gaze, movements anxious and unhappy with no outlet to focus on. Dean waited, knowing the levee would break when already so full of cracks.
“This isn’t what I wanted for him,” Cas snapped out, then quickly tried to rein his reaction back in with a forced calm, palms flat and fingers splayed, “It isn’t the life I wanted for him.”
They’d never talked about this, not before or even after Jack was born, after Lucifer had been destroyed, after Michael was defeated. They hadn’t talked about Kelly, about what the plan had been if there had even been one, and how much of it had been Castiel or how much of it had been Jack’s powers acting in default self-preservation mode.
It meant a lot to Castiel, though, no matter the cause, because that was who Cas was. Who he’d always been, seeing not what was, but how he wanted things to be, the happy ending where everyone made it home safely, where everything worked out with a final Hail Mary for the best and no one suffered because of it.
Dean hated he couldn’t give that to Cas more, couldn’t give it to him at all. Of all of them, Dean was the most jaded. Couldn’t see the light for anything other than a train on the tracks he was tied to, for all the struggle, sweat, and tears, for the dirt under his nails from trying to climb just one foothold higher, there was an inevitability to it he’d accepted for himself, so far back he didn’t even remember when it happened or if it had been gradual as a landfall.
“What did you want for him?” Silence. He slid his hands over the table, nudging Cas curled fists with his own. “When you took off with Kelly, what were you wanting to happen? What was the plan?”
“There was no plan.”
“Then what was the hope?” Cas shoulders slumped, head bowed in defeat. “C’mon, Cas. Don’t get fatalistic on me now, that’s my job of the two of us. You’re the idealist. What was going through your head? When you ran away with Kelly to a tiny house on a lakefront?”
He didn’t bring up that by running with her, Cas ran from them. Even had they been on the same page, which Dean knew there was no way they ever could have been back then, things probably wouldn’t have turned out any differently than they did. At best, maybe the portal would have closed with just Lucifer on the other side, would have closed before he’d had a chance to put a sword through Cas’ back and straight through Dean’s heart. Maybe they could have avoided so much of the last six months, but there would never be any way of knowing.
“What did you want to happen?”
“I wanted him to have a life, to be able to give him… a life. Both of them.” His brows furrowed. “I thought… prayed Chuck would grant just the small mercy of not taking Kelly away from her unborn baby, that Jack not be abandoned when she loved him so much, despite everything everyone could tell her. Despite the circumstances that created him. That it was Chuck’s fault Lucifer was lashing out, and if Chuck could just grant the one small miracle, let this one mother live to raise her son…”
He scrubbed a hand over his face and through his hair, heaving a sigh. “I wanted to stay. To… disappear, somehow. For no one to be able to find us, and then we could look after and protect him together. Raise him. Ensure the sins of his ‘father’ never so much as cast a shadow on his life.”
“Cas, Kelly, and baby-makes-three, huh?” His face felt hot with embarrassment and jealous shame, throating sticking when he tried to swallow. “...I didn’t realize the two of you… hit it off so well.” He lifted his head, frowning. Dean made a vague, open-handed gesture. “To just jump all-in like that.”
“As friends, Dean,” Cas corrected. “Kelly and I to raise him as friends living in the same household. Platonic life-partners, if you will.” His expression fell, wistful. “It was thanks to Jack we knew what kind of friendship we could have well before we ever developed it. We knew what could be. We knew what Jack could be, and we both wanted that for him. What else would you want for a child than for them to grow up happy and healthy, knowing they were loved unconditionally?”
“And if Kelly didn’t make it? What was the plan then?”
“I would raise him on my own,” he admitted.
“Cas, buddy, you don’t really know the first thing about living a normal human life in the human world. How did you possibly think you were going to raise a baby with no practical experience?”
Blue eyes snapped up in a glare. “Every parent starts somewhere, Dean. Parenting’s a journey as much as anything else, you learn as you go! You started at age four! I’d like to think I’m a little more competent, as well as being an angel with powers, not to mention that I did read various parenting books as well as basic emergent care--”
“All while leaving me and Sam in the wind no clue what happened to you other than Lucifer’s baby mind-whammied you in a park, killed a Prince of Hell, knocked us out, and you were just, pfft, gone.” He swallowed back bile and bitterness, jaw flexing as he tried to maintain an uncaring expression and failed horribly. “Glad to know you could cut and run so easily. Makes sense now why it’s what you always seem to be trying to do.”
“Dean…”
He waved him off, all that bitter self-loathing rearing its head and leaving him weary in its wake. “Nah. Makes perfect sense. And I say me and Sam, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly just me. Failed you so bad you said ‘yes’ to Lucifer like it wouldn’t matter, like your life didn’t matter.” He scoffed, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “Yeah, no wonder you ran and would have kept on running. This isn’t the life I’d want for you either. Any of you. I’d leave me in the dust if I could.”
“Dean, I--”
“So, what, Cas? You were gonna figure out some way to hide the two of you permanently and just… teach him to walk and talk, send him off to kindergarten, a-b-c-1-2-3? Take him to the park, teach him to ride a bike and play catch?”
“Yes,” Cas answered. “That is what I wanted for him: a safe, happy, relatively normal childhood. To never let a day pass where he didn’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt he was loved. I wanted--”
“What any parent would want,” Dean finished. Blue eyes widened marginally, a tinge of color to his cheeks, before dropping his gaze. Dean nudged him. “That’s not something to be ashamed of Cas.”
“Except Jack was born into a world where the two people who loved him most-- the two people that wanted him-- had already been stolen from him, and sensing the danger he was in, knowing before he was even born all those who wanted to get their hands on him and use him, Jack grew up too fast, grew into a young adult without ever first getting to be a child, surrounded only by people who were scared of him because of whose DNA he shared, with powers he couldn’t control, in a world he knew nothing about.” Leaning his elbows on the table, Cas ran his fingers through his hair, lacing them together at the base of his skull. “And here he is, a stranger to me, and I to him, being trained and taught about being a hunter, but not knowing what it’s like to live a normal, safe, happy childhood or ever having that life and family I’d hoped for. That Kelly’d hoped for.” He drew in a deep breath. “This isn’t what I wanted for him. ”
The clock ticked. Dean’s thumb tapped out a slow heartbeat rhythm. Cas sat with his forehead in his hand, just breathing. Silence.
Dean remembered Claire, the way Cas had called in a panic desperate to find her. The way Cas had been scared because a baby’s temperature wouldn’t go down. The way he healed crying infants and his instinct had been protectiveness for Kelly and her child, regardless of the cost to himself.
He thought of the way Cas always went back when his siblings asked him to, the way he kept hoping they would be more than they were, that they would be a family and act like siblings who simply gave a damn. The way he always found his way back to Dean, despite the shadows under his eyes, the haggard, tired appearance as unspoken hopes and desires were destroyed.
“You want a family.” Blue eyes looked up. Dean tapped his thumb. “...you want that life. To be a father- or parent. Raise kids. Live a normal life, even a human life.” Cas’ gaze fell. “I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner.”
He rubbed his hands. “You scoffed at my desire to protect Claire, said I was having a mid-life crisis.”
Dean pursed his lips. “You’re incredibly old,” their eyes met, “I think you’re entitled.” Cas scowled and looked away. “Cas, I’m serious.”
He didn’t look at him. Dean swallowed and nodded, thumb tapping twice.
“Way I see it, you’ve got options,” he said. Cas turned to him, brow furrowed with a frown. “World’s not ending. Cas, if you want out… you can get out. Snatch up a piece of real estate that’s haunted to hell and won’t sell for nothing, exorcise the place, move in, make it home. You and Jack. We can make you up the papers, connect you with Jody, get Jack in school or something with people who know him and will look after him. Give him friends. You could both try for that life. You deserve it.” He shook his head while Cas sat pole straight and stiff on the other side of the table, fingers gripping the edge. “If you want it… I will see it happen.”
Cas squinted. “You would have me leave.”
“I want you safe and happy, Cas. That’s what I want. That’s the life I want for you. For Sam. For Jack.”
His eyes narrowed further, ever the wary tactician. “What is the other option?”
Dean dropped his eyes, fingers curling. “We could try for that ourselves. Make a point to have the normal right alongside the crazy. Do… whatever it is normal families do. Family time. Dinners. Game nights, I dunno. We can’t give Jack his childhood. I can’t give that to you, for you to raise him like you wanted, either with Kelly or on your own, but we can still make it what you want going forward.” He looked at him, sweeping an arm out. “The world’s safe today. Tomorrow might be another story, but if we don’t take advantage of the time we bought and paid for, then what’s the point?”
Cas dropped his eyes, hands folded together. “...I don’t want to leave you. Or Sam.” He ran the pad of his thumb over a knuckle. “But I’m also tired of all the blood and fighting with no end in sight and no reprieve.”
“Then how about we try to fix that?” He looked up. “I’m tired, too. We deserve to take a knee and catch our breaths. We just need to… take a step back. Get some perspective. Breathe. Not every hunt has to be done by us, we can field more calls to other hunters.” Throat clicking on a swallow, Dean held out his hands. “We can at least try. ...I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to lose you. Or Jack. And this is what families do, right? Support each other? Meet each other halfway? This is me coming to you.”
The lines of his face softened, head tilting as he wondered, “What about Sam?”
“Sam still doesn’t consider this place home . It’s where we work and where we live, but I’m the one he keeps mocking for nesting. Maybe we make it more of a home. We can… take a family vote, or whatever. I can already tell you he’ll go for it, and even if he doesn’t, he’d be outvoted three-to-one.”
“...and how would we start?”
“Well, by canceling class early in there,” Dean said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. “That’s what’s bothering you? Okay, how about we do something else instead? Rather than teaching him about hunting we…” he blew out a breath, scrambling for ideas, “teach him normal things kids experience and enjoy. Uh… what if we went to the zoo?”
Cas blinked, frowning. “The zoo?”
“You think Jack’s ever seen an elephant? A giraffe? Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my? Ever even pet an animal?” He jabbed a finger at the tabletop. “We can’t give him a childhood, but we can at least make sure he gets this. As much normal as we can give him.”
“And you would do this for me? For us?”
“Cas... there’s not much I wouldn’t do for any of you.” He shook his head. “You just need to talk to me and ask.”
His throat bobbed, hand sliding across the table to just touch the tips of his fingers to the back of Dean’s hand. “Thank you.”
The sheer gratitude in the words, the soft surprise, hurt.
Dean withdrew, dropping his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.” He pushed himself up, avoiding his eye. “C’mon. Let’s go talk to Sam and Jack.”
Approaching the library, Dean clapped his hands together once loudly, making both Sam and Jack regard him. He grinned.
“Who wants to go to the zoo?”
“The-? What?” Sam asked.
“The zoo, Sammy, where the animals live. That thing Jack here’s never been to, and, despite appearance, we keep forgetting he’s technically a baby.”
Mouth opening on a series of vowel shapes, Sam shook his head. “I’m trying to follow your logic here and failing.”
Dean folded his arms, feet squared while Cas hovered nearby and watched the exchange, blue eyes flicking between them.
“World’s saved. This is our lives, messed up as it is, but this, here, it’s also our home, and for better or worse, we’re the family living it, so how about we start acting more like a family and actually start living? Doing things outside of just hunting? Normal things people take for granted?”
Sam sat back, arm over the back of his chair, brows raised. “So your idea is... what? Friday night family dinners and picnics at the park?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
“And you wanna go to the zoo.”
“It was an idea.” He shrugged. “We can take a vote.”
Skepticism shifted, Sam’s brows drawing together as he narrowed his eyes, studying Dean’s face searching for something. “You’re serious.”
He nodded to where Jack was sitting. “He’s still just a kid, Sam. Somewhat normal is the least he deserves. It’s what we deserved and never got. I don’t wanna be so fixated on hunting that is our lives rather than actually living. We’re not Dad. We owe it to ourselves.”
Sam sat back, jaw jutted to the side. “Huh.”
“That a no?”
“No, it’s,” he waved, “...let’s go to the zoo, I guess. Jack? Sound like a plan to you?”
He nodded. “I would like to see a zoo. It’s meant to be… fun? I would like that.”
Clapping his hands and rubbing them together, Dean began pointing. “Awesome. Sam, books away. Cas, you can’t go dressed like that. Go raid my closet for something more normal to wear. Jack, you’re gonna need your backpack. Then it’s Angel Express and Baby’s Day Out.”
Sunlight dappled the shaded path, Dean hanging back and trailing behind as Sam and Jack talked animatedly with one of the guides giving a lecture on endangered species and illegal poaching. Cas was walking with them, dressed in jeans and a sage button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, even borrowing a pair of Dean’s boots.
His stomach twisted tight, sad and fondly fierce in one.
Jack’s face was alight as he asked questions. The staff had all been more than happy to tell them everything they knew as soon as Jack said the magic words explaining it was his first time at a zoo. Polite professionalism was replaced with enthusiastic excitement in an instant. Dean’s throat was tight, so was his smile.
He meant it. They deserved this. Deserved all the good they could squeeze out of the world, deserved being family as much as being hunters.
Jack laughed. Cas and Sam smiled in return.
It was all he wanted for any of them.
With a glance to his right, Cas looked back, catching Dean’s eye and slowing his gait to fall into step beside him. Ahead of them, Sam and Jack were sharing a tall bag of popcorn, passing it back and forth.
“Thank you for this,” Cas said. Dean could feel his eyes on him but didn’t meet his gaze. “It means a lot to me.”
“I’m sorry for all the things I can’t give you.” He shrugged one shoulder and opened his mouth to say more, then stopped, shook his head.
There’d never been enough words for all the things he felt the need to apologize for. All the things he wanted to make right but didn’t know how. The things he wanted but didn’t know how to ask for or get.
He bumped their shoulders together, jerking his chin to the clothes Cas wore. “Those look good on you, by the way.” Cas looked down, running a hand over the shirt with a small smile. “‘Civilian parent’ is a good look on you.” he lowered his gaze, swallowing. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I know you could have figured out how to be a single parent and done it all on your own. Or even with Kelly. I was mostly mad at me and took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
They hung back as their guide passed Jack and Sam off to a young woman with a ponytail and suntanned skin, waving goodbye before launching into her animated lessons regarding the giraffes and zebras roaming behind her, asking Jack if he knew where they were from and how fast he thought they ran.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you more. I just didn’t know how,” Cas admitted, eyes lowered. “I wanted so much to redeem myself, to be useful, for once. I just wanted… it was like I didn’t know how to face you if I couldn’t even come back with a single win and I just kept running instead--”
“You are my win,” Dean snapped with a glare. Cas' eyes, wide with surprise, jerked to his. Heat flooded his face as he realized the words he couldn’t take back. Something inside crumbled and broke in the face of Cas’ shock to the honest confession, and his shoulders sagged on a sigh. “Cas. You are my win. I don’t care about powers or usefulness or whatever scoreboard of rights and wrongs you are keeping in your head. All I wanted… was you. That was it.” He swallowed and looked away, picked some random far-off point to watch as he tried to keep his voice steady. “Then you died and I was… I was a wreck. Going through the motions. Hunting with Sam. Protecting a kid I couldn’t bear to look at. Then you came back.” He looked at him, let his eyes play over his face. “You’re alive, Cas. That is my win.”
“So this is your first visit to a zoo?” she asked. Jack nodded and her gaze swiveled to Sam. “And you’re his… father?”
“Uh, no,” Sam said, shaking his head.
Jack nodded, pointing over his shoulder as he turned, “He’s my fa- oh.” He turned back, smiling. “They’re my fathers.”
Sam did a double-take, brows shooting up in surprise to see Cas with handfuls of Dean’s outer shirt in his fists, the two of them kissing where they stood.
“Oh,” she responded.
Sam looked at her and then shared a grin with Jack. “I’m the uncle.”