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It wasn’t like Tony was oblivious, least of all self-righteous. He knows how incompatible he and Steve are – I mean, how obvious could it get? Beautiful, kind, perfectly imperfect Steve, with Tony? – but he tried to block out the thoughts; tried to listen to what Steve said; tried to believe that Steve really loves him like he says he does… but he knows it’s all a lie.
Let’s be real: what kind of person would want someone like Tony Stark? He knew others saw him as a first-class snob with his head up his ass, someone who has it all, someone who only cares about himself. He knew how horrible of a person he was, how much of a monster. The only conclusion is that Steve isn’t in his right mind, or hasn’t realized how useless and unlovable Tony was. Yet.
Nevertheless, he knew it would end, and he knew it would destroy him in a way Afghanistan didn’t; in a way Howard didn’t. He tried to convince himself that he was ahead of the curb; he knew what to expect, so it’ll be easier when the time comes.
He was wrong.
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It happened after a typical Doom-bot battle. Tony didn’t want to admit it, but one minute he was in the air, and the next he was focusing on a fountain until he began being held down underwater. He plummeted, and didn’t come out of his flashback until he was just a hundred yards from the ground. He lost air visual of the source of the bots, and while he desperately tried to get back up there as fast as he could, he was disoriented and could only think about how weak he’d just been. His failure had set back the entire team, leading to more damage than usual and a much longer fight period.
Of course, Steve noticed. And he looked pissed.
They were in the debrief room, and Steve was pacing up and down the wall, running his hands through his hair as the rest of the team watched. Tony was staring at the table, shock-still as he tried not to think it’s over, you’re done, he sees the truth—
Steve brought him out of his thoughts with a tired sigh, bordering a scoff.
“You messed up,” he said firmly, finally turning his attention to his boyfriend, who was trying to brace himself for what he knew would happen all along. He’d run out of time.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Tony said quietly. Steve ran a hand over his face.
“It’s a little late for that; doesn’t really mean anything. If you hadn’t blanked out, we could’ve finished an hour less than what we did. We had double the injuries than normal, Tony, we can’t just let that slide."
Tony nodded, but Steve only seemed to get angry.
“You know, for once I’d like to see you actually trying instead of being dead weight that we have to clean up after.”
Tony reared back as if he’d been slapped, hunching his shoulders in as he subconsciously tried to make himself smaller. He tried to push down the rising panic.
Of course Bruce noticed, and tried to step in.
“Steve, that’s a little harsh,” Brush interrupted softly.
“Bruce, you really are not part of this conversation,” Steve said curtly. He turned back to Tony. “I suggest you go and fix that shell of yours and stay there before I lose myself, Stark.”
Tony exhaled shakily before pushing up out of his chair and nearly booking it to his lab. As soon as the door shuts behind him, his breaths stars to speed up and hitch, his hands start shaking, he feels dizzy—
“Sir, Mr. Banner is requesting entrance.”
“Don’t let anyone in,” he choked out. “No matter what.”
And with that, he broke down into one of the worst panic attacks he’d ever had.
What’s even worse is he understands. It’s not like he was an idiot, he knew Steve would get tired of him eventually, but him trying to brace himself only made it hurt worse in the end. There was a small relief in his heart, the fact that Steve had finally gotten away from such a toxic man, but the pain was just tearing him apart from the inside out.
He ended up throwing up the few things in his stomach into the lab bathroom until he was dry-heaving.
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After cleaning himself up, Tony tried to compartmentalize the pain, to shove the thoughts away until the only thing he could think about was the upgrades he needed to make for the team. In three times his usual speed, Tony fixed his suit, upgraded some of Clint’s arrows, finished his grow-and-shrink pants for Bruce, and drew an outline for a new weapon for Natasha.
Like this, he felt useful. He tried to convince himself that he was needed – he made all of the team’s weapons, suits, paid for everything, if anything he would still be around for that.
The thought gave him little comfort.
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After leaving the debrief room, Steve tried to ignore the worries in his head about Tony. He knew he was a little harsh to his boyfriend, but in the end he knew Tony wouldn’t take it to heart. Sure, he looked a little panicked, but he also knew that he was always frazzled after a fight like that.
He missed dinner. This in and of itself wasn’t too strange, and Steve was used to making a plate for him and bringing it down to the lab, giving Tony a kiss on the temple before heading back upstairs to wait for him to come to bed. What was worrisome was that JARVIS wouldn’t let him into the lab.
“What do you mean I don’t have access?” he asked incredulously.
“Sir has requested a lock down of the lab and is not permitting the entry of anyone.”
Steve ran a hand through his hair. “Why? I always have access!”
“I apologize, Captain, but there isn’t anything I can do.”
“You can’t just let me in? You know me, JARVIS, I’d never hurt Tony. Please just let me in,” he asked desperately.
The answer was chilling.
“I’m afraid you already have.”
Steve’s heart skipped a beat. “What are you talking about?” he asked slowly.
“I do not think Sir would be happy sharing this information, let alone with you,” the AI said almost coldly.
What?
“What’s wrong with Tony?” he demanded, starting to grow seriously concerned.
“I think the saying goes ‘it’s none of your business,’ yes?”
“No, it is my business, he’s my boyfriend! JARVIS, let me in.”
“I cannot. I’m very sorry, Captain. Maybe try again later.”
Steve sighed, but began heading upstairs, trying not to worry about his genius. He’s surely come to bed; he always did.
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Tony didn’t come to bed.
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He wasn’t paying attention when JARVIS asked him a question. He was more focused on completing what he’d designed for Natasha.
“May I allow Captain Rogers entry?”
Tony didn’t register the words, instead just saying, “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
If that wasn’t a mistake.
When he heard the doors open behind him, he froze. Fuck. What had JARVIS asked?
His question is answered when he turns around to see Steve coming into the lab. His heart sped up and he looked down, praying to God that he wouldn’t start hyperventilating again as he resolutely ignored the man.
“Tony?”
Tony ignores him, making a point of getting back to work. “It’ll be done soon, Cap, don’t worry your pretty little mind over it,” he forces out, keeping his voice steady.
“It’s almost one in the morning, why haven’t you come to bed?” Steve asked, placing a hand on the smaller man’s waist. He rears back at the flinch Tony gives at his touch.
Tony’s confused. Come to bed? Why would Steve want him to come to bed?
It hits him. He didn’t think Steve would want him out of the apartment so soon, but he understood. If he was Steve, he wouldn’t want to be reminded of the months he wasted sleeping next to someone like him.
He swallows as his heart clenches. He blinks back tears. “I can just get maintenance to get everything, you won’t even know they’re there. Just give them, like, ten minutes, and it’ll be good.”
Steve’s eyebrows furrowed. “What are you talking about? What do you need to get?”
Great. Now he was dragging this out, wanting Tony to really understand how unwanted he was. “My stuff,” he said as if Steve was a child. He understands again – why would Steve want to stay in an apartment he had stayed in? “Or I-I can just get you another apartment, that’s totally fine, I’m sure we have plenty free ones in the tower—”
Steve cuts him off. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you talking about moving out? Why would you want to move out?”
Tony bit his lip. Did he have to drag this out? “Why would you want me to stay?” he asks rhetorically.
“Because I love you, and you live there?” Steve said, coming out more as a question. What was going on? “What brought this on? Why do you want to change apartments? Are you…” he swallowed thickly. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“Don’t do this,” Tony started, staring at the top of his workbench so he didn’t have to see Steve. “Okay? I get it, Steve, there’s no need to make me look like more of an idiot, alright? I fucking get it. I know how easy this must be for you, but it’s a bit hard for me. I’d really appreciate it if you had a little sympathy for me, just this once.”
“Wha—I’m not trying to make you look like an idiot, I seriously have no clue what you’re talking about! What’s going on? Why are you acting so weird?” Steve begged, getting closer. His heart dropped when he saw tears on Tony’s face. “Tony?” He leaned his head down to see if he could catch the short man’s eyes, but the brunet just turned away again, brushing a quick hand across his face.
Seriously, what was happening?!
“What’s wrong?” Tony didn’t respond. “Tones, please look at me.”
Tony finally turned around, looking anywhere but at Steve, who didn’t really know what to do. All he knew was that Tony crying was tearing him apart.
He shook his head. “Baby, please don’t cry,” Steve begged, reaching out for Tony, who muffled a sob. He tried to flinch away, to bat his hand down, but he just needed Steve’s touch so bad… he tried to convince himself for just a moment that they would be alright, that Steve said that because he cared, not because he was annoying.
Steve pulled him in close, cradling his head with one arm and the other wrapped around his back as Tony let go and started really crying.
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry, please. Please don’t leave me, I can’t do this without you,” he sobbed, holding on to Steve’s shirt for dear life. He’d admit it, Steve had gotten him good. He knew he’d be nothing, no one, without him, and knew he wouldn’t be able to take it.
“Baby, I’m not going to leave you!” Steve said incredulously, pressing his lips into Tony’s temple. “Please tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart, you’re scaring me.”
Tony huddled closer, as if lack of any space between them would prevent Steve from leaving. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! There was water, I couldn’t breathe, I swear I tried,” he cried. “I wanted to help, I’m sorry, I wanted to help!”
It dawned on Steve. The fucking debrief. How could he have been so stupid? He’d get over it? He knew how insecure Tony was, knew that his biggest fear was losing the team, losing him—
He gripped Tony tighter, shaking his head as he forced himself to pull away until Tony could see his face. “No. No, baby, no,” he begged, leaning down to place their foreheads together and putting his hands on Tony’s face. Steve caught the tears streaming down his face with his thumbs, tried to smooth out the lines of fear and sadness and worry. “Sweetheart, look at me,” he said softly. “Let me see your eyes, you know I love your eyes.” Tony reluctantly opened his eyes, letting them meet with Steve’s.
“I’m sorry,” Tony whispered.
Steve shook his head. “There is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about, do you hear me? I should be groveling at your feet with the things I said to you, that was not okay, but baby I promise I didn’t mean any of it, please believe me.” Tony tried to look away, but Steve slightly tightened his grip on his face. “No, don’t look away, look at me.” Tony did. “I want you to listen real close. If you don’t hear anything I say you better hear this, alright?” He waited until Tony nodded. “You are my world,” Steve said firmly, feeling Tony tremble in his arms. “You mean everything to me, and I would do anything for you. I love you more than I even thought was possible, so in love with you it fucking hurts because you’re so beautiful.”
“Steve—”
“No, let me talk. Back in that room I was not angry at you at all, okay? But I took it out on you because… I don’t know why. You didn’t do a damn thing wrong, baby doll, but I let you think you did, was an absolute asshole—I don’t even know how I can make up for what I said. All I can do is tell you I’m so fucking sorry; that I didn’t mean a single word, and that I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, and nothing will ever change that. I know what I said is unforgivable. I just,” Steve paused, closing his eyes for a moment as he let the guilt sweep through him. “Just let me hold you, okay? If for anything, one last time,” he requested.
It was silent for a while before Tony spoke. “Please don’t leave,” he said quietly. He swallowed. “I need you.”
Steve nodded, pulling him back into a tight hug. He only pulled away to give his baby a sweet kiss. “I love you,” he said again.
Tony sniffled, standing on his toes to wrap his arms around his neck. He nudged their noses together, smiling in what felt like forever.
“I love you too.”
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