Chapter Text
[A psychiatric outpatient clinic in the Midwest, present day]
"I remember something about a fire...not quite a fire, but more as if there was a rain of embers falling in a dark place."
"Go on," a matronly voice encouraged soothingly. "What do you feel when you see this in your dream?"
"I feel afraid, but not of the fire. Something else. Or maybe someone else? Dammit, I can't! I just can't remember anything beyond that!" Rey gave an exasperated sigh and leaned forward, rubbing her temples with her fingertips, elbows resting on her thighs.
The sunlight filtered through the blinds in Dr. Maz Kanata's relaxing office space. Rey regarded the older woman's kind and empathetic expression. Then she leaned back on the comfortable sofa and unconsciously put a hand on her sternum as her chest constricted. She felt a familiar panic as she struggled to draw a deep breath.
"Rey, remember to breathe. Just breathe. Don't let the anxiety in."
"I'm trying. I'm really trying, Maz, but I just don't understand! I've had the same stupid nightmare for months, and I wake up screaming and I don't know why. The panic attacks are starting to come more quickly and I can't-I can't..."
Rey started to gasp for air. She tried to breathe as she'd been instructed. Reflexively, she grasped the cross she always wore around her neck. She had been in counseling with Dr. Kanata for two years now, but the numerous antidepressants and anxiolytic medications she'd tried were not helping her anxiety. It had become so problematic that she had taken a year off from university to try to deal with the increasing panic attacks and insomnia.
The psychologist frowned and scribbled something on the notepad in front of her. She sat across from Rey in an office chair. The office was furnished in warm tones of gold and purple with dark wood bookcases in two corners crammed with psychology textbooks and self-help books. An end table next to Rey contained tissues. A framed cross-stitch of the Serenity Prayer hung on the wall beside the window.
"Rey, you know that old saying about how it's always darkest before dawn? I promise you the light will come; however, I know how hard you've been struggling recently. We've tried several kinds of medications and relaxation techniques together, but we're not making much progress. If you would be open to it, there is another type of therapy we haven't tried that might help your recall and desensitize you to whatever painful memories lie behind these nightmares. It could also be that the dream is just symbolic of something else and not a past event you can't remember. Either way, I think this other therapy might be helpful."
Rey sighed and fought the urge to pull out the bottle of Xanax in her purse and take one. Or three. "What kind of therapy, Maz? I'm just getting so frustrated with all this, and poor Poe- you know, the new guy I was telling you about last week?"
"Poe? I thought his name was Finn." Maz squinted and shuffled through her notes.
"That was last month. Sorry, guess I forgot to tell you. Finn turned out to be more of a friend than a boyfriend." Rey put up a hand defensively, though her therapist hadn't said a word. "Oh, I know! I know you think they never last, but Poe is nice! He's a bit shorter than the guys I usually date, but that comes in handy with being a jockey! You should see him up on a horse!" Rey blushed.
"I see." Dr. Kanata smiled at the young woman. Rey's relationships never seemed to last more than a few months at most. She decided it wasn't the time to bring up childhood abandonment issues and instead refocused her patient on the subject at hand.
"I'm sure he's very nice, Rey. I'd like to hear more about him in our next session, but before that, I would like you to give serious thought to trying EMDR. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a technique in which you recall your past, and a therapist trained in this type of therapy typically uses a wand or a visual stimulus of some kind and gradually decreases your anxiety and fear of a distressing event."
"It sounds a little like hypnotism. Is that even real?" Rey asked skeptically.
"It certainly is, for patients who are receptive to it," Dr. Kanata said reassuringly. "I know Dr. Solo mentioned there was a trial being conducted here at the clinic on it, so if you'd like to be a participant, you could probably attend for free. I'm sure things are getting a little expensive even with your insurance."
"I guess it can't hurt. Sounds interesting, anyway. Yeah, I'd appreciate that," Rey said gratefully. She remembered Dr. Leia Organa-Solo had prescribed her meds once. She hadn’t spent more than 15 minutes with her, but she had seemed nice enough. She glanced at her watch. She was having dinner with Poe after her session, and she wanted to go home and change clothes before she saw him. Standing, she waited as her therapist checked the computer on her desk.
"Does next Friday at 4:00 p.m. work for you? I see there is an intake appointment available with Dr. Solo at that time. I can put you in the system if you like. You just show up at the intake desk, and they will show you where the office is. I will see you at our regular time in two weeks."
"Great, thanks! See you then," Rey said distractedly, entering the appointment quickly in her phone. She gave her therapist a smile as she walked toward the door. She was in a hurry to get to her studio apartment and tidy things up before Poe came by to pick her up.
As she walked out into the parking lot to find her old Honda, she squinted as the bright sunlight in the clear blue sky reflected off shiny vehicles. She fumbled in her purse for her sunglasses. She never knew where they were, which was why she was so glad to find a dozen cat's eye black sunglasses at a thrift store to use as backups. Why did they always seem to be elsewhere when she needed a pair?
Feeling a shadow pass overhead, she looked up and was surprised to see the light from the hot summer sun disappearing as a cloud passed over it, making the sunglasses unnecessary. Hadn't the sky been clear just a moment ago? There was no chill in the air, but Rey shivered anyway.
The following Friday, Rey showed up early to fill out the inevitable paperwork all new physicians required. She walked into the clinic’s cool entranceway and up to the check-in counter to find out where Dr. Solo’s EMDR trial was being held. She was directed to the third floor of the clinic. As she pushed the button on the elevator, she bit her lower lip nervously, not knowing what to expect, even from a doctor as nice as Dr. Organa-Solo seemed to be. The chime of the elevator indicated she had reached her designated floor. The doors opened to reveal a grey marble hallway with pale mauve walls matching the rest of the clinic and tasteful art prints hung along the corridor.
She turned left and looked for suite #66. The hallway was surprisingly unoccupied by other offices which appeared vacant and unused as she passed them. Reaching the end of the hallway, she saw the suite number on the door and “Dr. Solo” on a gold plaque at the side. Taking a deep breath, she turned the knob of the door and entered. She was the only person in the neat waiting area. She approached the window hesitantly and saw a young blonde girl with two oddly shaped buns of hair on top of her head who was filing her nails. Rey cleared her throat and smiled at the girl.
"Hi, I'm early. I'm here for my appointment with Dr. Solo."
The younger girl glanced up at Rey and looked her up and down, frowning a little. It made Rey more nervous. The girl then turned to her computer and pecked on the keyboard. She looked back up at Rey.
“You’re Reychelle Lumen?”
“I go by Rey. I got here a little early in case you needed me to fill out any forms.”
“That won’t be necessary. Dr. Solo has access to your file from Dr. Kanata. Please take a seat and I’ll call you when the doctor is ready for you," the girl said with a frosty stare.
It took Rey a moment to process what she had said. Well, of course Dr. Solo would have her file. Maz had probably given it to her; there was no harm in that, was there? She started to sit on one of the black leather chairs in the waiting area when the door to the inner office swung open. A large man in black pants and a black button-down shirt strode in. Rey’s hand involuntarily went to her neck where she clasped her cross and inhaled sharply.
He was a very tall man, lean, and professionally dressed in dark clothing that reminded her of a priest with the all-black ensemble. His hair was jet black and somewhat longer in the back. Feathery waves framed the sides of his skull like a raven’s wings.
His features weren’t conventionally handsome, but he had arresting brown eyes behind his clear spectacles. A few moles dotted his angular face. His dark shirt didn’t hide the fact that he had a massively built chest. There was something about him that made her stomach do flip-flops.
Self-consciously she settled into her seat, wondering who he was. He must be seeing another patient. She had the strange feeling she had seen him before, but he wasn’t the kind of man a girl would be likely to forget.
He turned to the secretary behind the glass and murmured, “Thank you, that will be all for today, Connix. This is the last appointment. You may go.” Connix's high voice seemed to be protesting about something Rey couldn't overhear, but he dismissed the girl with a wave of his hand. He turned, smiled charmingly and approached her.
“So you're Rey. The girl I’ve heard so much about.”
Rey blinked. “What? Who are you?” she asked in confusion.
His eyes crinkled a bit at the corners as if bemused at her question. “I’m Dr. Ben Solo. We have an appointment for 4:00 p.m., I believe? Aren't you here to see me? Dr. Kanata filled me in.” He extended his hand to her.
Slowly Rey rose from her chair and took his warm hand, noting how large it was and how her own seemed to disappear in his as he shook it firmly, holding onto it for a bit longer than she felt was proper. She found herself blushing.
“I - yes, I do have an appointment, but with Dr. Leia Organa-Solo,” she explained. “I’m here for the EMDR trial. Is she ready for me?”
He smiled at her again, a disarming smile, but nevertheless she swallowed and quickly withdrew her hand.
“Dr. Leia Organa-Solo retired some months ago, I’m afraid. Did Dr. Kanata not tell you that your appointment was with me?”
Rey shook her head. “No, she didn’t. I guess I just assumed it was with her. I met her once briefly before when she refilled my meds. I never heard of any other Solo who worked here.”
He peered down at her quizzically from his imposing height. “My apologies for the miscommunication. Are you okay with proceeding, or would you prefer to cancel the appointment? I’d refer you to another EMDR specialist, but I’m afraid there aren’t many of us. I’m the only certified practitioner in this state, actually. But if working with a male clinician makes you nervous, we can certainly cancel.” His dark eyes seemed to be taking her measure, quietly assessing her.
Rey bristled at the implication that she was afraid of him because he was a man. Lifting her chin, she looked him in the eye. “No, that’s quite alright. Shall we get on with it, Dr. Solo?”
His smile broadened, and she heard the slam of a door somewhere in the back as Connix exited the office. “Of course. Follow me, Rey. And please, call me Ben.” He went to the door and opened it for her courteously, and she passed him and entered into another hallway. “It’s the office to your right,” he said from just behind her, and she jumped a little at his proximity.
Hesitantly, she opened the door and noted the surroundings. It was much larger than Dr. Kanata’s office downstairs and had a sweeping view of the large pond on the grounds. His desk was in the corner by the window, while to her left she saw a small sitting area comprised of a deep black leather sofa against the wall opposite a black leather armchair that she presumed was his. A small table to the right of the soft held tissues and some objects that sparkled in the sunlight.
Adjacent to the sofa and forming an “L” shape with the first was a reclining chaise lounge in charcoal grey, typical of the “Freudian couch” she had seen in cartoons that reclined back with cushions so that one’s legs could be straight out in front of them as they lay back. There were comfy grey throw wraps on both.
“Where shall I sit?” asked Rey nervously, not used to the layout of the office.
“Anywhere you’d like,” he responded, as he crossed the room quickly to the window and shut the blinds, hitting a button that drew dark blackout curtains over the window, blocking out the view of the pond and the sunlight.
Rey was startled at the curtains being drawn. It seemed odd to be in a darkened room alone with this masculine doctor she didn’t know at all. Perhaps it was because of the hypnosis or whatever this EMDR thing was they were about to do, she thought. The room dimmed, and she noticed for the first time muted track lighting along the silver-grey walls.
She chose not to sit at all but instead paced around the room while waiting for him to return to the seating area, inspecting his wall decor. Two long crossed objects in a glass case mounted on the opposite wall caught her eye. Not swords, she thought, but something similar? Next to that was some sort of primitive tribal mask, she guessed. She felt an instant aversion to it and moved away. It wasn’t the normal “shrink” decor she was used to seeing, and she assumed he must be some sort of collector.
The last object she saw on the wall perpendicular to it was a painting, an abstract that provided the only splash of color in the otherwise monochrome settings of the office. The track lighting cast a spotlight on the canvas which had a bright blood-red background with what seemed to be slightly darker vertical and horizontal smears of dark-red columns, or perhaps figures near the center clustered around two vertical columns of grey and black at the center.
“What do you see?” she heard his voice say in soft, silken tones. She hadn’t realized he had come up directly behind her. He was so close to her that she felt his breath ruffle her hair.
“I - I was never much for seeing things in paintings,” she muttered, trying not to appear discomfited. “What’s it supposed to be?” She took a step forward to distance herself a bit from him.
“It’s abstract art. I’m always interested in what reaction people have to it,” he responded casually. “You seem like an intelligent woman. Are you telling me you don't have any impressions at all?”
It seemed to Rey there was a slight challenge to his tone, and it pushed her buttons. She wasn’t going to have him think her some uneducated simpleton. She squinted at it and examined it more closely. “Violence. Blood. Danger...Passion,” she replied.
She heard his sharp intake of breath behind her. “Interesting,” he murmured, finally stepping back and allowing her some personal space. He settled into his armchair, quietly waiting to see where she would choose to sit.
After a moment, Rey turned to contemplate her choices and then selected the seat on the sofa directly opposite him.
“Let's begin,” he said, in a tone so low it was almost a whisper.
An electric current seemed to pass between them. Rey felt her face flush yet again and wondered if he felt it, too.