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Kihyun had always prided himself of being self-conscious. He was always the first to see his own actions, always the first one to hear his words. He did not know where this came from, or when did he start taking seriously the phrase ‘put yourself in the shoes of others’. He doesn’t recall how he became this sensitive to himself and to others, but not that it’s a poses a problem or anything.
It doesn’t. Kihyun think it’s a skill even, a unique talent. If his brother had the ability to easily memorize a five hundred paged book was, thrn strong self-confidence and intuition became Kihyun’s own. After all, being in tune with the environment and the people around you allowed you to feel how they would feel, and understand how they would understand your words, it wasn’t hard to know how the gears of people’s minds worked.
It wasn’t hard to figure out where people could be pushed to either fall into scary depths of their own brain, or rise and plant a seed of confidence in their own selves.
The latter was what Kihyun always did. It became his ultimate role in friendship circles, always the one who knows to give the right advice and the person who could cheer you up. He knew what words to say for people to believe in themselves, and to believe in him.
There is a ‘lie’ in the word ‘believe’, however. Many times, Kihyun knew how to make the lie sound like a truth to another person’s ears. It was easy, all you need to do was to say it like it was the truth.
There are certain actions that indicate if a person is being genuine. There are verbal and nonverbal patterns to tell where someone means what they say.
And Kihyun, after years of telling his closest friends that they deserve more, has memorized how exactly he persuades them to believe that, indeed, they deserve more.
From the verbalized words, the pauses and the meaningful structure and building of a sentence. From the nonverbal actions of looking at people in their eyes, from the posture that can indicate a half-hearted conversation. All of those, and more. Kihyun knew everything.
No one can lie to him.
Because he knew how to lie to people; convincingly so that he can prove that indeed, the truth is subjective. That the truth differs from every single person.
He takes pride in the fact that no one can lie to him. That he will never be able to fall under someone’s traps, that he will never be made a fool.
But at the same time, all of this is a curse
He will never believe anybody.
He will always question compliments that are given to him.
He will never hear someone telling him that he did a good job, because even that much could be enough to increase the fighting spirits of a single person and return to the harsh world once again.
He has likened himself to a superior being. But he has not known how lonely being alone can be.
“Hyung, why did you stop singing?”
“Because it’s raining. Someone above is telling me to stop, sending tears down on us because it’s awful.” Kihyun had meant it as a joke. It was one he’d picked up early in his childhood, a man-made thought that the reason for heavy rains was because of someone singing badly that the heavens are crying.
Kihyun was laughing at his joke. Genuinely so. His eyes were drawn into crescent moons, while his lips were turned upwards to show a beautiful smile.
The guy he was talking to– Changkyun, was it?–was looking at him with seriousness, in contrast to Kihyun’s jolly expression.
The laughter soon died down, but Changkyun was still looking at Kihyun like it was the first time the former that seen the latter.
Changkyun’s eyes were deeply focused on Kihyun’s orbs that, for a moment, Kihyun did not know what to do other than to return his gaze.
“Hyung.”
“Yes, Changkyun?”
“…Sing more. The heavens are not crying. It’s the sound of a thousand people or more clapping for your beautiful voice. That is how a crowd giving a standing ovation sounds like. They like your singing, hyung.”
Kihyun’s eyes were settled on Changkyun’s. His eyes searched the younger’s brown eyes, looking for that one thing he had perfected in identifying. He searched for anything that was faltering, anything that was shallow, or anything that was untrue.
Kihyun did not understand it when he couldn’t find anything like those in Changkyun’s eyes.