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Lance picks listlessly at his fries, and that’s the first indication that anything is wrong to Keith. Normally he’s voracious, talking with a full mouth and ruining the appetite of any other respectable person in a five-table radius in the cafeteria with his excitable word spewing no matter how charming he is in literally any other instance. Eating seems to be his only vice, too impatient to get through it fully before thoughts demand to spill out, but when something is wrong with Lance it presents itself in plasticky effects of himself as such. He’s never harmed and he’s never gone, but when he’s there and hurting there’s a film to poke holes through and let air into to see what’s been trapped in.
Sometimes, Lance doesn’t let them know what’s going on, and it seems likely that it’s going to be one of those times, but Keith can tell he’s texting Luis in-between fry nibbles because Keith’s right next to him subtly looking at his phone screen that’s loaded to maximum brightness and hiding nothing. There’s something lengthy Lance is explaining about his grandparents, paragraphs upon paragraphs of one-sided conversation, but there’s either not a lot of time for Luis to respond because he’s an adult at work or because Lance hasn’t given him the opportunity yet, and Lance seems frustrated at the entirety of the situation.
“We’re punching in our reservations tonight online so I’m going to need the thirty from each of you for the week in Altea.” Pidge says suddenly, not looking away from checking their physics homework answers against hers. Allura is beside her, just watching and ruffling whenever Pidge points to an answer she’s gotten wrong, and she’s the first to slide over three crispy bills from her pretty wallet shaped like a giant flower.
Hunk, still a little sore about losing the vote they had last week, mumbles, “Fairground would only be fifteen.” He also hands over the sixty dollars for himself and his accompanying girlfriend, who is probably elbow deep in her Biology Lab as she has been all week instead of dropping by the cafeteria properly. When Pidge’s fingers grapple at the space near Lance’s fries on the lunch table, he blinks and sets his phone down, rolling his eyes.
The bag at his feet feels lighter and Keith knows he only knows that because he offers to carry it a lot because Lance is lazy but he stills feels a weird concern over it, wondering what textbooks Lance is forgetting and what classes he might get chewed out in after lunch, if he hasn’t already hadn’t been. When he reaches in to scramble blindly for his wallet, shoving a few more fries into his mouth as a distraction more so than a meal, Keith can feel his frustration grow tangibly when his rustling grows stronger and he adds his second hand. “I don’t have my wallet.” He announces as abruptly as he had begun searching for it, throwing his hands into the air and shoving the rest of the fries into his mouth. “I left it at home yesterday.”
“Yesterday?” Hunk latches immediately, a crease in his brows Keith fixes on intensely. Nobody knows Lance better than Hunk, and Keith, uncomfortable as he is with Lance’s obvious distress, is grateful somebody else can reign over acknowledging it rather than face watching him send distressing walls of text alone.
Lance winces, though, like he isn’t sure what he’s talking about or how he wants to phrase something, and he chews through his slowly before he nods and shrugs at the same time, overly casual. “I stayed at my abuela’s last minute. She wanted my help with something and I ended up sleeping over, no biggie.”
Pidge glances up from their gathered homework and shuffles the papers together, forcing Lance’s gaze directly opposite into his fry basket remains. He pokes listlessly at his bits, and Keith thinks about how often he talks about his grandma lately and wonders if she’s doing okay or if something’s happened. “You can just bring it tomorrow.” Pidge supplies, like she’s testing something.
“I’m going to my sister’s apartment after school.” Lance says with a forced nonchalance, flipping his phone face-down when it lights up in recognition of another text incoming. He hasn’t looked back at Pidge, and Keith thinks it’s beyond unusual that he’s not even so much as offering a new solution to not having any way to get the money to her.
Allura snaps her wallet open again and simply hands over the money, and Keith fumbles to rip his wallet out of his pocket and get his money out as well so they can move past it before Lance gets embarrassed like he always does when someone spots him. He almost rips his belt loop off with his wallet chain, he tugs his wallet out so fast, but Keith slides the money over and Pidge folds all the bills together and lets it go.
“What’s up with Veronica, then? Isn’t she, like, four hours away? Are you staying the night?” Hunk asks with no casualty and the interrogation techniques of a bulldozer.
Lance keeps his face neutral, but he nods and gets up to toss his bits of his fries away, taking Keith and Pidge’s remaining lunch trays with him. When he sits down again, he looks like he was hoping the conversation would have picked up again somewhere else, but Hunk keeps pressing. “Does that mean you’re skipping tomorrow?”
“I don’t know, maybe.” He snaps, throwing his thin hands up in exasperation and sighing. “I just need to go do something and I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” The look that crosses over his face makes it seem like he feels bad about it as soon as he asks, but he doesn’t retract the question or the words, just crosses his arms and stays stiff in his seat. Keith slowly puts his wallet back in his pocket.
Hunk doesn’t seem hurt, just surprised and incredibly suspicious of his friend. Keith doesn’t blame him, there’s a lot of tells in Lance’s actions that mean without a doubt something is going on he’s trying to bury. Inevitably, though, the bell rings and signals the end of their period, and Hunk says, “Okay, dude.”
Lance misses school the next day, and Keith gets two snapchats from him during class hours that are just selfies of him drinking giant frappes in bright colors. Keith doesn’t even pretend he’s going to resist screenshotting them, having already incriminated himself a hundred times before by doing so and liking to follow the pattern more than anything.
Keith’s known sleepovers at Lance’s house have been more dangerous because he’s not an idiot and he knows exactly what he’s feeling for one of his best friends isn’t in any sense platonic. Lance is beautiful and captivating in very sense and every light, and even as he’s hacking because he snorted while eating his Oreos too fast and started choking, Keith feels something stupid and soft kick like a wrecking ball behind his ribcage.
He can’t just stop sleeping over, though. The weekends show up and Lance doesn’t even ask if Keith is coming anymore, just tells him whatever time would be best and Keith just shuffles uselessly into the house like he’s been living there all his life at that time exactly. Lance’s mom smiles at him every time as warmly as her son could ever, and Keith thinks every time that if he could pick somewhere to be dropped off on a doorstep as a mysterious baby, it would be their home, even if it would make his inevitable crush on Lance ten times more awkward when they got older in that exact scenario.
So, Keith sits and watches Lance sip at milk and nurse his raw throat from his Oreo disaster, and he thinks about telling Lance stupid things he thinks like that sometimes but ultimately decides against it because it’s weird to tell your best friend you wish his family would adopt you sometimes. Hunk is at a robotics convention with Pidge and Allura and that usually leaves Keith and Lance to begin their nights with a two-hour debate over what they should binge watch while they’re in each other’s company, but tonight Lance hasn’t even touched his laptop or even his phone very much, and they sit in companionable conversation talking about nothing while Keith wonders if there’s something Lance is trying to avoid by rounding around it slowly. He’s a snake in conversations, sometimes, winding around them exhaustingly until Keith gets dizzy and doesn’t understand, but Keith thinks he’s gotten better since they’ve become friends, and sometimes wonders if that’s because of Keith not understanding and Lance liking to be understood or if it’s because Lance wants Keith specifically to be able to understand him. They sound similar, but phrasing it one way makes something warm unfurl a little more around the same spot as the wrecking ball, and Keith doesn’t like to touch that spot very often, especially when Lance is putting away the cookies so he can stop talking with his mouth half full and become even more insanely attractive and companionable and interesting to talk to.
They started talking about making packing lists for spring break when Keith first got there because they knew the organization would make Hunk happy later on, but the conversation has since dissolved into light back and forth of just rating actors and actresses from their favorite movies on a theoretical and barely committal list of their attraction. Lance is better at articulating why some people are hotter than others, Keith just says who he likes and who he doesn’t but Lance doesn’t really whine about it because he enjoys Keith’s straightforward answers, maybe.
It’s not really surprising when the sounds of hushed bickering break out from down the hallway where Lance’s parents’ bedroom is, but it’s surprising the way Lance flinches at it. It’s no louder than usual, and it happens from time to time though Keith doesn’t think he’s ever been concerned about Lance’s home life before, but Lance works his jaw like he’s forcing himself through something and gets up from his bed to shut the door firmly and try to close out some of the noise.
Lance’s house is always pretty quiet. Keith can remember when he had met Lance in middle school and it had been louder, but not very well and he doesn’t think by very much. Keith would probably say it’s because he’s effectively an only child, with all of his older siblings completely grown and moved out of the house and only Lance left to occupy a bedroom years behind them, but even a family smaller than Lance’s, like Keith and his mom and sometimes Shiro, or one just the same size, like Hunk and both of his own moms, is almost filled with twice as much sound as Lance’s house ever is.
Keith thinks he only notices it so much because Lance himself can create enough noise for an entire home no matter where he is, but he doesn’t. He holes himself up in his own bedroom and plays music quietly and does his homework and then only when he has friends over that make him brighter and louder and happier, his dad will sometimes say, “It’s nice to see the sunshine in you, conejito,” which always embarrasses Lance to the point of pink cheeks but Keith doesn’t understand why because none of them know what the word means in Spanish and it wasn’t even mentioned in their classes. The idea that Lance could be hiding himself from his parents, or hiding himself from his friends, concerns Keith, but he isn’t sure if his worry is even real enough to be worth mentioning, so he tries to keep quiet about it.
Lance spends a long time staring at the doorknob before he turns away from the door, and when he does he sits on the floor with his knees touching Keith’s instead of climbing back onto his throne of a bed. He looks deep into Keith’s eyes, and Keith bites into his last Oreo he had been dangling between his teeth while he watches Lance.
“What’s up?” Keith asks because he can’t assess anything that’s going on and Lance has fed him nothing about his concerns or fears that are so clearly the figurative mouse of this snaking conversation.
Lance doesn’t look away from Keith, his eyes firm. “I’m bisexual.” He says quietly, confidently. There’s a defiance underneath his words that makes Keith shove the other half of his cookie into his mouth while he thinks, because he wonders why it would be there at all and he’s not sure why Lance would think to confess it so dramatically when all of them are gay he’s pretty sure. Lance has never outright said it but none of them have really had to.
He doesn’t want to discredit Lance’s trusting Keith with this, though, so he speaks around his cookie bits to say, “Oh,” and to continue after he’s done mentally swearing at himself with, “That’s really cool.” He swallows all of his cookie before he’s really done chewing and he sort of feels like Lance with how scratchy his throat suddenly feels. Lance definitely knows Keith is gay, is the problem, because Keith has said it and Lance cares enough to listen to his friend, and Lance is sitting so close to him it seems important in this moment but Keith also doesn’t want to discredit Lance’s trusting him with this confession by assuming it’s intended romantically just because of his stupid gay crush on his best friend.
Lance’s wicked smile appears, and Keith knows the moment of tension has genuinely passed as he raises his hand and Keith automatically copies to duplicate their handshake. Lance breaths out and his breath smells sort of rancid and milky, but a door slams and Lance sighs almost forcefully pleasant, rolling away and saying they’re going to start watching The Office again because it makes Lance happy to re-watch it even though Keith knows it is exactly his ninth time beginning it again. He wants to give Lance the happiness he talks about wanting from that show but knows that he isn’t Jim or Pam so he doesn’t really know what to do with himself about it. Lance is definitely a Jim-type but Keith wouldn’t fit into a Pam equation. It bums him out a little in a stupid way that things shouldn’t bum him out. It’s not his favorite, but the show’s still funny.
“I don’t know what to do about it, yet.” Lance says quietly when they’ve already cleared the third episode and Keith’s eyelids feel heavy even though he knows he’ll be made fun of for falling asleep early and find no less than eighteen snapchats on the subject.
Immediately, Keith slurs, “About what?” But he knows as soon as he glances at Lance worrying his lip and glancing at him, and Keith says, “Oh. Why would you have to do something?”
He gets up to grab all the things from his bed to make them comfortable, knowing Keith is falling asleep, and Keith would take the time to get the warm and fuzzies like he usually does whenever Lance tucks him in when he falls asleep during movies, but this feels important, so Keith only stares as Lance overly fluffs a pillow and seems to punch the stuffing within it into place because he’s got nothing left to coil around.
“I don’t know. It would be hard to deal with right now with everything else going on. Nevermind, I like this episode.” Keith has a million questions to ask but he’s falling asleep and Lance is staring at the screen with a look Keith knows means he really won’t talk about something no matter how much Keith wants to know.
Keith dreams about snakes and Lance shakes him awake to let him know he was having a nightmare when Keith sees Lance is somehow at the end of the season already. Lance leaves his hand on his shoulder when he falls back asleep the second time thinking about what kind of boring office job he would be willing to do to support Lance.
Their rented cabin at Altea Falls is tucked just off the edge of the swell of lake, away from most of the other huddles of cabins, and Keith thinks they’re on some kind of private property of sorts but the woman at the front desk had embraced Pidge for a solid minute or two when they had met at the recreation building to get the key to it, and they were probably in there for a reason with that kind of familiarity. Pidge hadn’t bothered much with introductions between them all, and ushered them all out as soon as she had obtained the key and kissed the old woman’s cheek, but when Hunk smiled and asked who it was she did at least grant that it was a family friend named Ryner who worked with the parks service a lot.
Keith let himself get distracted as he gathered firewood for the group before the sun started setting, looking out across the lake at the beautiful falls in the distance that they could hear the whispers of across the water. Altea, known for its clear and beautiful water, is postcard perfect of a location to hide away, and every bit as breathtaking as Allura and Pidge had promised when they had taken votes on where to escape away together for their break, all of them finally being old enough to run somewhere.
He thinks he’s going to get stuck bunking with Lance, which is fine, but makes him nervous. Everyone knows Lance and he have sleepovers every weekend and maybe half of them have figured out that Keith’s affection for Lance, as unsubtle as it is, is much more than platonic, and because they’re all meddlers in their own respectable ways they may be trying something by shoving Keith and Lance together, but Keith admits that it does make sense. Shay and Hunk will share the bottom full bottom bunk because Hunk called it the second he found out and because he was the only one with a real relationship, Allura and Pidge would take the normal bunk bed across the room and probably trade top bunk throughout the week, and that left one top bunk above Hunk and Shay to squabble over and two boys who were known for squabbling. Keith wouldn’t have been surprised if one of them ended up on the floor by the time the week was over, but he tried to stay optimistic anyway, because even if it was nerve-wracking to be shoved together with Lance it was at least a little thrilling as somebody who could admit only silently they had a crush on him. Which was fun in a sort of ruinous way, like staying up all night to watch the office or eating Oreos while laughing too hard.
Keith is trusted to start the fire because he is the best at doing it after much debate about his middle school fire phase. In the corner of his eye, he can see the cabin a little way off through the trees and the rest of his friends still unpacking their bags and coolers while he tries to hustle and beat the sun, but its dipping fast and starting to look like a lost cause. At least he isn’t far, and his arms are laden with enough tinder and kindling to work on the beginnings of a blaze if the firewood left on the cabin’s porch really is as dry as it looks. There’s promise, but before Keith knows it somebody’s screaming his name and hurtling towards him and he balks and drops his little sticks of dry wood to catch Lance.
“I brought you a flashlight.” Lance says all pleasantly like he hadn’t been screaming. There’s a smile on his face and in his eyes and Keith thinks he sees a little escapism in him he can appreciate. The flashlight is brandished in his hand. “I also brought my sick guns so I could help you carry more of the kinderlings.”
“That’s not either of the words.” Keith points out, because he wants Lance to know and because he thought it was cute how he mixed the two together a second and wonders if he did it on purpose. Lance hands over the flashlight with only a shrug and gathers the pile Keith had dropped, standing straight and stiff once he’s done like a lackey or caddy and Keith can’t contain his snort at the idea of Lance’s dutiful carrying.
“We should hurry up before it gets too dark, though.” Lance says conversationally before Keith has his mouth fully open. Keith flicks on the flashlight because its dimming and he wants Lance to feel safe, and Lance makes a weird noise of assent in the back of his throat. “Isn’t this enough for tonight already, anyway?”
Keith glances back at Lance’s arms and assesses. “It would be a short fire, probably, if it didn’t take to the logs fast enough. I’m a fast builder.”
“Hunk’s a fast builder.” Lance says like it’s what either of them are talking about or like it matters.
Keith continues, ignoring him, “But I guess. It’d be a short one.”
“You said that twice.” Lance points out and shrugs despite the sticks crowding his arms, “We’re all tired, so short’s probably fine. You can wow us with a real bonfire tomorrow. Just hurry up so we can head back to the pit and get in on this sweet fireside chatting. I saved you a seat.”
He moves his glance up to Lance’s face, expecting him to be making fun of him, but Keith is surprised to find just a soft smile there, and he’s even more surprised to feel himself only smile back, too, if not a little in exasperation than anything else.
Everyone cheers when they return because he and Lance bring the promise of a fire, and he ducks down to the metal ring in the center of all their chairs to get everything started with their little twigs, sorting them where he instructs Lance to drop the pile at a safe distance, before drinking in where their conversation had been going before Keith joined.
“…and my personal favorite is highlighting how this specific school is going to help me with my educational goals,” Pidge crows, and Keith feels a ghost of a smile because she had been sending him paragraphs through their messenger privately over this exact same topic when nobody else was awake and he’s glad she’s brought it up again so she can complain more in the open air, “Who cares! You have a decent physics program, you’re just a backup to OU, buzz off with the high and mighty ego stroking, essay prompt writers.”
Shay laughs and it sounds like bells and Hunk gives her a gooey smile that has all of them exchanging knowing looks before she speaks up, “I just got accepted to Balmera and I thought I was done, but I got an e-mail yesterday from an advisor there and I think Rax must have been hyping me up because now they want me in for interviews again?” There’s a nervousness in her voice Keith thinks probably is more for the school than sharing any of the information, and he feels for her, thinking on the Garrison and Shiro who he promised to call tonight and would have to find cell service to get in touch with very quickly.
“Balmera vee Shay, round two, holy fuck,” Pidge groans for her, sinking in her chair and throwing her elbow over her glasses and eyes.
“Congratulations, though, Shay!” Allura beams as Keith strikes his first match and sticks it under his A-frame. Lance gets up and walks away and he doesn’t watch him leave because he needs to not burn his fingers. “You didn’t tell us you got your acceptance letter! That makes all of us! We’re all college students!” Hearing Lance tromp around the cabin is mysterious but when he returns within seconds he’s only pulling a sweatshirt over his head and holding a second bright blue one probably for when he gets even colder later.
The fire eventually takes to the kindling, and Keith gets off his sore knees to sink into the lawn chair so saved for him by Lance, who smiles and hands him the blue sweatshirt because it’s night now and it’s chilly even though the fire’s right there. Keith’s not a weenie who’s going to make a big deal about accepting a sweatshirt from the boy he has a crush on so he takes a deep breath strategically as he’s pulling it on and feels it envelop him so comfortably and hug-like he could sleep exactly where he is, smelling Lance just faintly and staring at a beautiful bloom of red embers.
Hunk tears open a giant bag of marshmallows and Allura is tasked with digging through the cooler a few feet away to find their chocolate bars and graham crackers as she tells Pidge exactly how she wants her marshmallow toasted. Pidge complies reluctantly but Keith can see the desire to shove it directly into the fire dancing in her eyes.
“So,” Shay broaches because she’s the most polite of all of them and they haven’t wheedled her down quite enough into the monstrous excuses of human beings they’ve all become—Keith still has no idea where Hunk found her but man do they deserve each other—“How are we all still feeling about majors?”
A collective groan rings out, and Lance scoots his lawn chair closer to Keith’s as he nibbles his toasted marshmallow and Keith still toasts his own so they can be closer and share body heat or something that sounds like a good excuse in their heads but dumb out loud. Nobody asks for it, anyway. Lance puts his head on Keith’s shoulder even though the divide is still a bit of a stretch with both of their lawn arm rests breaking through what would be a tender connection of hips and legs and shoulders. Keith begs himself not to think about how long Lance’s neck is and instead glances up while his marshmallow burns to look through the edges of the trees into the twinkling sky.
Allura sings, “Found them!” and brandishes the s’more paraphernalia. They all make sure to cheer good-naturedly as she struts back, already breaking chocolate squares to distribute to the desperate bunch. When she’s sitting again, she’s the first to finally recognize Shay’s earlier question, “I’m still thinking Political Science, but I don’t have to declare until my third year, really, so it’s all very loosey-goosey.” They do not make fun of her for saying loosey-goosey because of what happened last time they made fun of her for it.
Everybody and their uncle knows that Hunk is studying mechanical engineering and culinary arts at the same time because he had been called three times a week by two different advisors from Balmera for the last two months over how conflicting his schedule would be and he hadn’t cared, so they don’t ask him to repeat the horror story of pursuing his dreams lest he fall into the inevitable tangent of how he had proved those ‘unprofessional and disorganized BU profs who could handle what by opening an excel document literally once’ again. So, they look to Pidge, who had a million and one things to do with her life, three years of a head start to do it compared to the rest of them, and no idea what she was ready to thrust herself into. Her and Keith had many late-night conversations regarding it when they weren’t bickering over the other needing to be asleep, and Keith thinks that it’s nice that even as different as all of his friends are they all have weird connections that they do like his and Pidge’s inability to decide what was going to be the best for them.
Lance follows lethargically when Keith leans forward to set a log he had retrieved into the fire pit, and he follows him when Keith leans back too, and Keith feels so warm everywhere it might hurt. He forgets to call Shiro but there are more important things happening right now.
Pidge sighs a puff past her bangs and hands Allura her marshmallow as she trades it for chocolate, “I still have no idea. My mom’s going haywire again with me living up to my potential like she used to when I was in middle school, but I think she’ll be fine because Matt told her to ease off before I left and she seemed like she realized she was doing it.” Keith tries to give a comfort with the chorus that rings from his friends but he misses his opportunity because Lance is worming his arm above their arm rests to settle behind Keith’s back anyway, which is dumb because it’s not like they can cuddle or anything with the stupid things but Lance is finding excuses to touch him anyway. “Matt also brought me a bunch of pamphlets for their programs there, more than I already had from school and the mail, so I’ve been trying to look through those. I’ll probably do physics, but honestly when everyone looks at me like I’m in a fishbowl and about to give another perfect SAT score all my brain wants to do is shut down and play point and click games. So, that’s cool of it.”
Lance tucks his head into Keith’s shoulder firmer, hiding away his face almost. “Big mood same.” He says unconvincingly, and Keith wonders what about what Pidge said could have annoyed him a little but nobody else seems to notice he’s gotten a little tired and irritated.
“Keith?” Shay asks because she’s polite and interested and everybody knows, as they know Hunk’s story, that she’s going to be a biology prodigy and probably find a way to grow plants out of actual solid rock or something else Keith doesn’t understand but thinks a biology major would do.
“I declared Astrophysics on my application because Shiro told me to.” He admits sheepishly, sinking in his seat a little and feeling Lance’s thin fingers curl at the back of his shirt, “I don’t really know what I’m doing. It’s hard to switch at the Garrison but if I hate it so much I’ll go to something similar anyway because I still like that kind of stuff, I just might not like that specifically.”
Hunk tuts, building a perfect s’more for his girlfriend and twisting the marshmallow of his stick without getting a chunk stuck on it somehow. Keith wants to do that for Lance and feels like an actual, literal idiot for knowing that he wants that from himself. “I feel like the Garrison makes everything purposefully intimidating for incoming freshmen. Don’t you already have your roommate and everything, too?”
“Yeah,” Keith laughs, crossing his arms because he doesn’t know what to do with his body feeling Lance all over him in small points of contact, “I think his name is Regris? You should talk to my advisor if you think the Garrison is already scary, though,” His conversation with Mr. Professor Kolivan had been five minutes of answering questions with one word and hearing indiscernible hums of some kind of disappointment at Keith’s lack of proper answers somehow, “I’ve only talked to him once, but, uh, wasn’t great.”
“Jeepers.” Pidge says because she likes to throw them off, “Lance, did you decide yet? Weren’t they breathing down your neck about that?”
Lance makes an aborted noise, tired and soft, “No.” The second he says it, a tension drops into his spine that Keith can feel acutely from beside him, and Hunk looks up with his mastery detective skills because he knows something’s wrong before the rest of them can even so much as hear it.
“Don’t you have to be declared to finalize your acceptance at the Garrison?” Allura, holed away at an all-girls college not ten minutes from the very cabin they’re staying at, asks, melted chocolate on her chin.
Lance makes another sound, more wounded, and shifts in his seat, legs bouncing. “I, uh.” His head lifts, and Keith doesn’t mourn the loss because he takes the opportunity to turn properly to fix Lance with a stern look about his forgetfulness because the Garrison didn’t seem very forgiving. When his eyes dart and he sighs, Keith realizes that Lance has found no way out of his answer before he speaks, but Keith almost wishes he had heard any other thing fall from his mouth, “I withdrew.”
His hand is still fisted into the back of Keith’s borrowed sweatshirt, and Keith touches him at the arm to try and put some kind of question to the sudden explosion of confusion and hurt in his chest at Lance’s secret, but all that comes out is, “What?” He tries not to sound so betrayed, but he and Lance had applied together as a sort of fond side-by-side partnership, and it isn’t even the most important part of his questioning as to what happened, but Keith wants to know why Lance didn’t at least say something.
Then, Lance babbles, a clear franticness to his him as he avoids Keith’s eyes and the entire ring of soft and confused looks, “I-I’m just—We can’t get loans and I don’t qualify for enough scholarships because of this and that and other shit obviously because of course I don’t, so, like, I had to withdraw, and it’s fine. We’re still going to be buddies just because I didn’t get to go to a super power college or something, guys, don’t look so worried! I’m—” He swallows loud enough for Keith to hear him and Keith wants to lean forward and grab him by the shoulders and shake him and ask him what happened, “Me and my parents decided going to Arus Com was, like, the best idea right now. No big deal.”
“That sucks so much.” Shay says because she’s the most polite and Keith thinks a little bitterly that there’s no way at all she would ever understand how much it sucks exactly that Lance doesn’t get what he wants because of loans and college being a business and scholarships and Keith wants to punch something and thinks about how he was going to spend four years in college with Lance and throws that out the window because Lance is stuck and they’re not leaving him behind but he knows how he thinks because they’re best friends and he knows, even if Lance won’t admit it, that’s how it’ll feel to him.
Keith wants to throw something into the lake and scream, but he settles on standing abruptly and jostling Lance’s hand from his back, who withdraws it like his application, quick and silent and without anyone noticing. Keith picks up a log for the fire and thrusts it in, a plume of smoke and ash swarming into the air as Allura admonishes him on his recklessness and he stalks off to bed so he doesn’t have to cry about the ash in his eyes and lump in his throat. Behind him as he closes the door he hears Lance agree he knows how to put out the fire and Allura and Hunk jump into a dozen different questions about when it happened and what Lance was thinking the new life plan was because he always had such a grand scheme one. Keith falls asleep on the top bunk he’s going to share with Lance above the double and doesn’t call Shiro or bother plugging his phone in.
They spend most of their week hiking around the lake on weird twisting paths with sturdy trees that are lined with ziplines, but Allura refuses to let them climb up to inspect them because she insists they’re part of a local adventure program and none of their business to inspect and break.
It takes them three days to work up to the giant hike that takes them to the falls, mostly because the particular trail takes all morning and they don’t want to admit it but they’re not sure how much they can rely on Pidge’s hiking abilities because she has little twig legs, is almost half of all their height, and has never played a sport in her life. Halfway through the hike, even with a few under her belt, they take turns trading her on piggy-back. When Hunk chances a glance at their map and assures they’re less than ten minutes from reaching the falls, suddenly Lance is exhausted too, and Keith is cajoled into piggy-backing him while Pidge has long since been traded off to an ever-in-tact Shay. He’s all limbs curled around Keith, and it does stupid things to his brain because wow what if he was backwards and other equal nonsense thoughts like that. He also has no mercy against shoving his ever-sweating forehead into Keith’s neck, which would bother him more if it wasn’t a little bit hot? Either way, Keith is agitated and puffing with exertion when they finally reach the beautiful falls to explore, and Lance throws himself off Keith immediately to hop on the giant rocks leading across the streams between the different levels.
“Eating now or later?” Allura calls, holding up the basket she had been entrusted with by Hunk to carry throughout the journey as the one known to lift the most. Lance crows a ‘now’ from the other side of the stream he had hopped over and challenges them all to join him, so they steadily accept. Shay hops over with what Keith thinks is a half-asleep Pidge still on her back without even once blinking at the added weight in her jumps.
They lay out a blanket on slightly damp ground and enjoy Hunk’s beautifully prepared picnic-friendly food with the company noise of roaring water, and Lance has never seemed more pleased. He’s all smiles despite the tension the last few days, and as soon as Keith had sat he had sidled up to him to throw his legs over him and make moony eyes so Keith would share his perfectly portioned out chips.
“How long are we supposed to look at them?” Keith, looking at the waterfalls, wonders out loud when he slaps Lance’s hand away and ignores his whine.
Allura and Shay laugh like he’s missing the point and he knows the laugh very specifically because it’s their favorite laugh to use together. “We have to explore it, too,” Pidge says petulantly, forever a translator beside Lance when Keith does not understand, “Don’t get your panties in a twist.”
“Boxers.” Lance corrects pointlessly, rubbing his calves obnoxiously on Keith’s lap and wiggling his fingers towards his sandwich bag again.
“Boxer-briefs.” Keith double-corrects to be difficult, finishing his chips in one bite so Lance can’t have any.
Lance gasps, “Since when! Don’t lie!”
Keith tries to tamper his flush down at being called out with the obvious misdirection, “Why do you think you have my underwear choice memorized?!” and he’s digging his own grave by asking it because to the half of the group who knows exactly what Keith’s angle is privately it is painfully obvious how much he’s setting himself up.
“Doy,” Lance says because in his brain it is obvious, “I stare at that sweet ass when you change. Natural draw of the eye. People look at eyes and boobs and butts without thinking, it’s a part of life.” There’s eighteen layers of very carefully laid casualty that Keith thinks is forced but he’s too worried about Lance thinking he has a sweet ass to really worry about it or process it.
“I don’t stare at your ass when you change. Maybe you’re just weird and making excuses.” Keith mumbles a lie, picking at the dust left from his chips.
“Wow, we’re deadass doing this?” Hunk throws a hand in the air like he’s surprised and Shay rests a hand on his knee. Pidge pretends to roll onto her back and die but at least Allura doesn’t fall into dramatics, she just looks enthused at the argument.
Lance says, “Oh. I guess you don’t know about my tighty whities, then. That’s weirdly disappointing.” He glances at the sky, and Keith wonders what he’s waiting for because he knows that look.
Without thinking, Keith blurts, “You don’t even wear tighty whities.” Lance hoots with his proved point and rolls away while Keith punches his chip bag into their makeshift garbage pile, face hot with embarrassment.
“I’m changing your snapchat name, sweet ass.” Lance smiles something fluttery and Keith hates it so he stands up to get to that good old exploring, rolling his eyes when Lance huffs because his phone died two hours ago while they were hiking and he forgot.
Pidge is the second to stand, grabbing two water bottles for herself from Hunk’s pack because he had volunteered to carry the bulk of their things. “I’m gonna nap, so all of you get off the blanket and go do something.” Keith wonders why she stood at all, but he complies by stepping off the blanket and walking off without a buddy to scale some rocks to the next level of falls.
When he looks back, Lance is following him. It’s almost enough to make him hop to the bottom again, but he heaves up and tries looking for a cavern like the ones Allura and Pidge had told them existed around here, and he hears Lance puff up behind him. The water is feet from them and it looks like there’s a dark little crevice attached to a ledge tucked behind it, and Keith starts towards it before really consulting his involuntary buddy.
“If you’re mad at me,” Lance starts carefully, and Keith notices everybody else is on the other side of the stream again and scaling other angles of the falls together. There’s a pause before Lance continues, low and whiney, “Come onnnn.”
“Holy shit.” Keith rolls his eyes, wanting to teleport himself to the other side of the waterfall immediately but tucking himself behind it closely so he can get into the little crevice. “Do you have a flashlight?”
Lance, somehow having the foresight to have his backpack before they climbed, brandishes one much like the other night, and he slides in closely behind Keith into the little pocket of rock that Keith discovers is much too small to really call a secret waterfall cave. They’re practically breathing down each other’s necks, and Keith sits hesitantly, knowing when Lance does he’ll be all over him because Lance has no sense of personal space and always drapes himself on Keith when he’s in a good mood. Keith forgets to turn on the flashlight as he hears Lance sit.
The water rushes past them in a way that makes Keith feel like he’s in an elevator, somehow, watching something shoot down and create a lifting illusion of himself. He wonders if Lance feels the same but tries not to voice his stupid thoughts so he keeps it to himself. Lance turns it on him, though, because he breaks their silence by throwing his leg over Keith’s lap and hip and saying, “I feel like we’re above an elevator shaft.”
“Yeah.” Keith says, denying that he might be a little breathless.
Lance’s hand finds his leg in the dark but doesn’t move when it does, and Keith feels himself hitch in an entirety, wondering in a sort of metaphorical way what they’re doing and where they are and if Lance will ever know what he does to him. Lance puts his other leg up and Keith knows its somewhere obnoxious because the obnoxious place is resting his ankle on Keith’s shoulder. He doesn’t move it though, because it really is a cramped space and Lance is all limbs so it’s probably hard for him to tuck himself all up very well. Maybe he also likes Lance’s dirty ankle near his face in some stupid way, too, but he can move past that because Lance is going to talk again and Keith can always feel it in the air.
“I’m going to miss all of you guys the most. Once we graduate.” He says, manifesting the wrecking ball from Keith’s ribcage in a much more violent and direct way. There’s something ironically watery in his voice and Keith sure as fuck hopes he doesn’t cry because he never knows what to do with Lance when he cries. Last time it had been after Pam had been yelled at by Jim, something that always got him emotional, and Keith had just called Hunk on the phone and handed it over to the teary-eyed Lance without a word. He didn’t think Hunk would appreciate it in the middle of the woods on their spring break right this second, though.
Keith finds his hand fisted in Lance’s shirt—it’s the same sweatshirt he had lent Keith and Keith wonders when he grabbed it back—before he really recognizes what he’s doing. It’s a little too dim to really make out Lance’s expression, but he can tell they’re both just sort of staring at each other. “Promise you won’t just disappear.” Keith bids with a flat franticness, one that Lance must recognize because he leans forward just slightly into Keith’s pull to try and see closer. “Once we graduate, if you fall off the face of the Earth I will hunt you down every waking moment for the rest of my life.”
“I’ll become a cryptozoological creature.” Lance hums, a laugh dying on his lips as Keith twists at the shirt, no threat existent but desperation pouring into the gesture at the physical link. A little softer, a little flatter, he tacks on, “I’ll get abducted by aliens for you to retrieve me from.”
“Lance.” Keith tries to pour everything he doesn’t know what he’s holding onto for into the name, raising another hand to find Lance’s on his leg. “I didn’t just make friends with you for—for fun, okay?”
“That’s what friends are for, but go on.”
Keith tugs at the shirt, a sigh deep in him escaping. “I don’t want you not go to the Garrison.”
He feels Lance’s bristle, feels him try to tug away fruitlessly in the small space. “I mean, wow, me either, buddy!” He hisses, trying to shove at Keith’s hands.
Keith shakes his head even though Lance can’t see it very well, loosening his grip so Lance knows he isn’t trapped anywhere he doesn’t want to be but wanting it to still be an anchor for both of them. “No—I. Fuck, we were just supposed to, okay? I’m not mad at you,” He makes sure to say because it’s important for Lance to know very specifically in this instance, “I just don’t want to lose you because you think you have to drop off or something because of this!” The last bits come out in a rush, and Keith lets go of Lance’s hand on his leg to grab his shirt at a second point, leaning forward in the cramped space. He wants Lance to hug him but its selfish to want it when he’s not articulating himself well and probably offending Lance to boot, so he just leans into Lance’s chest because he’s known Lance long enough to know that this is okay even when he’s a little irritated and hopes that Lance gets the point he’s trying to make. He wants Lance to understand the drop off of absolute elation he had felt and how it wasn’t replaced with anger for his friend’s misfortune but misery for knowing how his friend would likely handle it.
And Keith thinks Lance maybe does understand, if the way he can feel his shoulders loosening is any indication. A bit at a time, they tick down, and Lance wraps his skinny arms around Keith’s head so they can hug and Keith lets go of his sweatshirt to wrap around him completely and his leg is caught completely in the crossfire but Lance is flexible and disgruntled enough to not mind or say anything about it. “Okay.” Lance says when their hug is well underway. “Okay, I—Well, I should have told you. I know that. I just didn’t want,” His voice gets a little high and reedy and Keith is flooded with old memories of him in early high school at the sound but hearing it now is much more concerning than it is tease-worthy, “…I don’t even know what I was afraid of. I know you wouldn’t have been mad at me. It’s just embarrassing.” Lance is actually crying now, and Keith can tell because he tucks his face against Keith’s locks the way he does when they’re watching a sad movie and he wants to pretend to be asleep at the perfect time just a little too quickly with breaths a little too hitched. “I had, like, everything all together all the time this whole year and I wasn’t even the one that got to fuck it up, my entire financial life was. Really topical. Really nice.” His thin fingers are tight around Keith’s back and Keith wants to swallow Lance in his arms in the most comforting hug known to man but he’s not Hunk so the best he can do is shove his face closer into Lance and shift so they can be more comfortable wrapping around one another.
“I should have told you.” Lance says again, because he repeats things sometimes when he wants to make sure Keith got the point of a babble, “I’m just going to miss you so much and I didn’t know how to tell anybody.”
Before Keith can stop himself, he’s fuzzily asking, “What, were you just going to stop texting me when I asked you for your dorm number in August?”
“I mean—” Lance begins like it wasn’t far off from his list of master plans.
“Lance.” Keith bites out, squeezing the skinny boy against him tightly. “I have your house number, dumbass. Your mom would have told me what was going on.”
Lance sounds watery again, laughing loudly and leaning back to cryptically say, “Yeah, maybe.” He slides his ankle down Keith’s shoulder awkwardly until his knee settles on Keith’s arm, and he pulls back his hands from their hug despite Keith unyielding from the gesture. One soft hand cups his chin in a way that is not unfamiliar but manages to clothesline Keith every time, while the other unceremoniously shoves all of his dark bangs out of his face for him. Their noses are a few centimeters from touching, and Keith thinks he’s in disastrous territory because Lance still has shiny eyes that are wet with unshed tears and he’s got more things to spill he won’t and he’s so close and bent around Keith so weirdly and perfectly. “I promise I won’t run away from you guys just because I’ve got nowhere to go if you promise you won’t forget me back here.” His voice hitches so profoundly that Keith has to resist the urge to surge forward.
Instead, he finds Lance’s eyes in the dimness with as much determination as he’s ever mustered, spitting as much honesty as he can into every syllable of his words. “I’m always coming back to you.” Keith says because he has no sense of sugar-coating the truth to his words with anything that would be more dramatically appropriate nor does he have any effect for packaging away points he needs to get across, as incriminating as they may be, when he needs them.
Lance’s eyes widen the most minute hair of a fraction, and he leans forward to kiss Keith. Thoroughly surprised, Keith finally drops his hands so Lance can drop his knee and instead tuck it behind Keith, and through some embarrassing instinct that shouldn’t even really exist Keith only knows he wants to be closer to Lance so he pulls at his hips and waist until they’re flush in their dumb little fake-cave behind their waterfall, elevated by their illusion of cascading and working through their push and pull of a desperately long drawn-out first kiss. Lance wraps his arms around Keith’s neck at the elbow, yanking him in as closely as possible, and his lips move solidly even though Keith so blatantly is bad at keeping up. When they break for air they smile and nip at one another like they each had just been obviously waiting for the other to break, and Keith thinks there’s a fissure in his ribs from how much distress the wrecking ball had caused over Lance but it’s all worth it for the warm press coming back, and he would do it over and over again with just as many internal damages for the boy’s smile.
After spring break ends they only have three frightening weeks of school left, and they spend the night before graduation in Allura’s plush bedroom up too late to be good for them with their early ceremonies, gowns lined up at her closet. Allura’s bed is big enough to fit five teenagers laying on it comfortably because her house is big enough to fit five countries in it comfortably, a mansion big enough to be qualified as a continent. Her uncle-father is somewhere a few floors away but they can still occasionally hear his high-pitched and jolly whistling as he prepares for bed, and though Allura says she feels a little bit like a sardine in her not-cramped-at-all bed none of them make moves to get to bed or turn on their sides or stop staring at the ceiling, where an intricate portrait of the night sky is mapped out not unlike Van Gogh’s. Keith thinks he remembers Allura saying her mother was a painter, a million years ago, but he also remembers that her mother died when she was very, very young, and it’s weird to think that so many of the paintings around are memories and shadows of a woman she never had the chance to meet, and the ceiling might just add to that giant, swelling misery.
The stars, in their unfurling on the ceiling, sometimes look like flowers and bursts of sharp petals when Keith stares too long, so he tries to blink often. It’s been a while since one of them has spoken, all of them finally giving up on little complaints and knowing they would inevitably get into meatier conversation sooner or later, but none willing to begin it.
“Before I met all of you guys,” Pidge begins it brutally and with words sharp and true as a lumberjack’s axe, “I didn’t know anyone but Matt. Never had any friends, never got to know people because I was too smart for them or wasn’t allowed to spend time with them because of studying. My parents would worry about how they would influence me, then I skipped a grade. Then I would almost make a connection, but I was still weird. Then I skipped a grade. And another. And I was a ten-year-old in middle school who didn’t even have Matt because he had just moved to high school, but I think Lance just thought I was really waiting for my growth spurt, because he never treated me like a baby until somebody told him. Even then, he was nice about it, which is generous because Lance was the worst at thirteen and we should all remember that.” Her voice is just above a quiet note, and her hands and phone are laid carefully on her stomach, an intentional stillness to her body at her confession.
She lets it linger before she continues, not letting Lance jump to his own defense even though Keith can tell he wants to by the way his head turns. “Now I’ll be a fifteen-year-old in college, without Matt because he’s in a grad program but I look just enough like him that I know everyone will think I’m him anyway. And I don’t even have any of you guys. Which sucks.” She passes her glasses to Allura, who gently folds them and sets them on her lavish nightstand, before sneaking her university sweater paws over her eyes as inconspicuously as possible.
“Olkarion University is fifteen hours away.” She reports, “So, remember to hustle on the school breaks, though.” Her voice might be thicker, but Hunk rolls onto his side to pull her into a warm hug before it can become too embarrassing and frustrating for her, and Keith politely glances away when her shoulders shake.
Allura picks up because it’s inevitably going to become a ring of them all sharing their feelings because they’re all generous to the pattern. “I’ve never left home before,” She says very carefully, “Without someone I trusted very much.” Keith imagines her tracing her eyes over the swirling blooms of stars and constellations that might not even be real every night and wonders if she’s dizzied by the effects of them on her life, if she’s haunted by them looming above her. “I’m afraid to leave Coran here himself.” Allura, much more prone to be emotional and less inclined to stifle those emotions, heaves a wet sigh that lets them all know she’s already begun crying. “I know he’s more than capable of handling himself and it’s been so many years since my father died but he’s always been there for me, and I don’t know what I’ll do without his constant advice or his words or wisdom.”
A shift in sheets comes as Hunk drags Allura into the hug as well, and she almost blubbers as she continues speaking. “Something feels wrong about leaving, but I don’t want to hole myself up in here like it’s my silly little castle for the rest of my life, either.”
Allura takes a deep, shuddering breath, and Keith turns over as Lance props himself up to see over him so they could both look to where the hug pile is happening. Allura speaks lowly, finally, despite her tears, and she confesses, “I feel like I’m being comforted by ghosts here.”
Keith thinks of a faded eyebrow scar and a southern drawl, a hard set in Shiro’s jaw when they talk about one side of their family, and he feels like he understands. He rests a hand firmly on Allura’s shoulder, wanting to help ground her and let her know she wasn’t alone in her mourning.
“I, um.” Hunk looks embarrassed, like he isn’t sure he could compare after their beats of silence and after Allura and Pidge had opened their feelings jam so strongly and passionately, “I know it’s sort of dumb but sometimes I think Shay will realize she’s way too good for me once we get to college…”
Lance dives over Keith and into the hug, long limbs flailed at Hunk in an immediate and unapologetic plea for him to go on, and he does as he catches the skinny boy, shifting them so they’re all closer to the center of Allura’s luxuriously large bed. “I know I’m an amazing catch. I’ve got, like, self-confidence falling out of every hole to my body,”
“Gross.” Pidge hums, leaning back against the sheets again.
“but, like, she’s just so…wonderful, you know? And I know I’m that guy who always talks about his girlfriend but she is. She’s got an entire life ahead of her and she’s beautiful and incredible and talented, and I know I’m talented too but sometimes when we stand together I think that she should be able to do better and it’s not fair to her that she doesn’t with me.” He finishes quieter, like he’s thinking the words for the first time cohesively and finally drawing the conclusion of long-held doubt. Before Lance’s agape mouth can spew, Hunk shakes his head and tilts it to the ceiling, a crease thick in his brows, “And I get so nervous about everything, and she knows that and she still somehow doesn’t mind all the stuff that makes me tick but we don’t do stuff because of my nerves and I feel like I’ll slip into a full-blown panic attack when I’m with her because, like, school, right? And that’ll be it for her.”
Allura gets in before Lance can, manicured hands drawing Hunk’s face away from her beautiful ceiling to look directly into her eyes that she has crafted into an impeccable look of imploring. “Hunk,” She says, voice hard but kind, “You love Shay more than anyone, and I’ve known Shay for almost my entire life. Would you believe me,” Her voice takes on a teasing note, and Hunk flushes immediately as a Pavlovian response because he recognizes the lilt, “if I told you I had this exact same conversation with Shay over the weekend?”
“Yeah,” Hunk chokes out, suddenly crying because Hunk has always been the biggest crier and now they’re all sympathizing, “That sounds like us, sorry.”
They take a good amount of time jostling Hunk over the whole ordeal before they remember to move on, and Keith goes because he knows Lance is probably taking his time deciding which demon to sort through. “School’s really hard for me, especially since Shiro moved away a few years ago.” Is all he says at first, sitting up a little because he doesn’t know what to do with his entire body, “I’m afraid that if I don’t have you guys keeping me in check, something to compete against and keep up with, I’ll fall behind and drop off the cliff completely.” He hadn’t meant to say the metaphor out loud, liking to keep those within himself, but Lance’s warm hand finds his across the sheets even as Hunk drags him into the growing group hug.
He accepts the warmth of the hug with a familiarity, trying to work through his thoughts. “I just always—I never thought I would be bad at school until I was and then it felt like it was too late to ask anybody to explain anything to me, or get help from anyone. I’m bad at getting help from people and bad at making friends, and I’m afraid I’ll just get stressed and somehow end up dropped out by my second semester.”
“Don’t.” Is all Lance implores for a moment, leaned forward towards the hug but not quite pulled in all the way yet. Their gazes are caught across the sheets dramatically, and Keith feels tense at his tone while he waits for him to continue, eyes begging him to dart away and look anywhere else, like the dumb hypnotizing ceiling above him painted by a dead artist Allura might never have known she was scared of disappointing. “Don’t,” Lance says again just as emphatically, “drop out, because I’m coming, okay? I’ll be there my third year at most and I’m counting on you to be there, Mullet, because do you have any idea how hard it is to make friends as a transfer?”
Keith blinks and takes a deep breath and hears Hunk sniffle beside him and he really wants to kiss Lance, but they haven’t talked about it really so he’s not sure if he can. He settles on squeezing the hand he has, eyes trying to convey something important, and he thinks about how Lance hasn’t called him Mullet in years after so much debate on the dumb nickname from their junior high years, and he can feel the wrecking ball again, so he yanks Lance’s arm as hard as he can into the pile because he has wet eyes he wants to hide.
They roll around to readjust their positions in the dogpile of a hug, and Keith sneaks in a kiss to the back of Lance’s neck that he knows he felt, for good measure. “Fine.” He says when they’re settled again, lounging comfortably laying all over one another. Lance is curled atop Keith’s chest perpendicularly much like a cat would be. “I’ll introduce you to all my friends third year.”
“Good.” Lance breaths, serious but smiling, “Obviously, I’m going to hold you to that.”
The air turns stagnant because they all know they’re all waiting for Lance’s confession, and Keith fingers at the fabric of Lance’s worn t-shirt at the shoulder, wondering if he remembers borrowing it from him when they were sophomores and never giving it back and wondering if he’s going to finally admit to what has been on his mind for months now.
Lance tucks an entire half of his face into Keith’s stomach, like he wants to pursue the ostrich way out of this situation, but Pidge pokes him in the back with her foot with some angle finagling and he grunts, hot hair ghosting through Keith’s own shirt in a pleasant sort of way.
“You guys kind of know it all now.” Lance hums, tracing very faint ticklish patterns on Keith’s side. “I’m worried me going to Arus Community is just going to put me in a hole I can’t get out of with my parents, and I was sort of hoping I would get to avoid it by going to the Garrison.” Keith stops resisting the urge to be affectionate for Lance because they kissed and his words are confusing in a way so he runs a hand through Lance’s hair very softly, watching as his eyes close and he takes a deep breath, like he hadn’t really thought that through.
“Avoid what?” Pidge pipes up, poking Lance’s back again and stretching.
Keith thinks he might be the only one who can see the way Lance’s hands curl into the nearest fabrics under their crawling path, his shirt being partially a victim, and when Lance’s eyes flick open Keith meets them to try and convey to him that it’s okay and he can tell them whatever he feels like he needs to, no matter what it is.
Lance gets the hint, because he looks down at his hands in Keith’s shirt and says, without much flourish, “My parents are getting divorced after my eighteenth birthday.”
It stays in the air for a moment longer than appropriate before they all collectively sit up, Keith’s hands instinctively on Lance like the wound would be physical or event would be a blow to him he could touch and examine. “What? Since when?” He asks like an idiot.
Lance shrugs. “Long time.” He says, looking away at the windows that lead to Allura’s balcony then up at the ceiling they all love running to. “They don’t know I know. I overheard them talk about it last time I snuck out, so. That was a bummer.” The blabbering beings because nobody else says anything and Keith can tell Lance isn’t sure how exactly they’re reacting, “When I was younger, uh, Marco used to tell me I was just a problem-fixer baby, which isn’t even very clever but always bothered me because, like, even my Tia Solidad would whisper it all scandalously to her husband sometimes. Fun to finally figure out why I was born so late after everyone else, too bad I didn’t actually work, though, right?” Keith wants to kick Marco’s teeth in, but he’s frozen at Lance’s bubble of hiding finally popping, “I mean, I think it wouldn’t bother me so much if they had just gotten divorced earlier, or something, and I’m not going to go all emo like I never should have been born, or whatever,” He took a cold breath, “But it sucks! Woo, it sucks, because they just waited to get divorced. Because they had me and thought I would make it so they wouldn’t have to? And, like, who fixes a marriage like that? Divorce? Nah, nah, let’s knock it up one more time and give it eighteen years just in case it reminds us how much we love each other.”
And then Lance is suddenly shaking, bawling fat, ugly tears, and he’s surrounded by four tight grips and Keith selfishly wants to be able to pull him closer and closer to himself, to grab every inch of him and drag him into a hug so tight they become crushed into one person, but all he can do is help his friends rock Lance as he sobs and will the frozen look on his face off so one of them can actually be useful and say something that could mean anything after such a thing to find out.
Keith was an accident. Shiro was, too, but a different kind that didn’t end the same, and where Keith’s mom had taken him and cared for him it had taken him years to learn anything about the relationship he would really never have with his father because of the relationship he had with Shiro being so damaged. Krolia had wanted Keith’s dad to stay away, and even though Keith knew he was a surprise and they struggled a lot he knew his mother loved him very much and they worked very hard all their lives. He wondered in Lance’s shoes, so uncertain of himself all the time, always wondering his place in his family and the quiet fights in his home, how deep of a blow it would be to find out he was supposedly their unsuccessful solution just by being born. What a stupid and unfair faith to put on a baby, and Lance, with his heart of gold, probably didn’t even blame them for it.
“We love you so much, Lance,” Hunk sobs out first, “It doesn’t matter what you think your family needed you to do, you’ve done so much for us.” Pidge nods frantically into Lance’s shoulder, and Lance shakes harder, a crumbling leaf.
“I love you guys, too—I,” He hiccups frantically, wiping his nose blatantly on Keith’s chest, “I don’t even know what to say about all of this it’s just so messed up and so dumb and I didn’t even know how to tell you all it was bothering me! And now I’m—You’re all—We’re graduating tomorrow! And my parents are divorcing in July and I don’t even know when they’re actually going to tell me about it for real even though I already know and—and—” he makes a wounded noise deep in his throat as he hiccups again, but he doesn’t continue, seeming spent and riddled with exhaustion when Keith glances down at him as best as he can.
“Lance,” Allura says, voice so watery and eyes rimmed completely with tears again, “You know if there’s anything you need we’re always going to be here for you, it doesn’t matter how far all of us are suddenly or how messed up of a situation it seems like. We love you so much, we’re always going to be a team.”
Keith finds himself nodding into Lance’s hair, hands cradling his face as he forces him back so he can consider his face better, but he can’t find anything to say that doesn’t seem dumb or exactly what Allura said, so he tries wipes at Lance’s tears with a franticness and hopes everything he wants to be able to do for Lance can be conveyed through that one action alone, but probably not.
Lance hiccups another laugh and ducks his head, shoving his face back into Keith’s neck seemingly to wipe his snot in there again, but Keith feels the press of his lips in the briefest moments of contact. “Thank you.” He says genuinely, shoving Keith back so he falls onto the bed properly and so Lance can get them all to start sleeping without having to use his words. “You guys are the best people maybe literally ever.”
“We know.” Pidge says, “That includes you, too.” She crawls in beside Keith and Lance and even though Keith is sure all of them know Keith very un-subtly is in love with Lance he wonders how much they know for them to be comfortable with lying next to them with Lance literally laying chest-to-chest and between Keith’s own legs, seemingly ready to sleep like that. It’s a good spot for him, ultimately.
Keith spends a lot of time while they all fall asleep wondering about Lance’s home and everything he might have failed to notice, and he thinks about how deeply the wrecking ball in his ribcage swings as he slowly runs his hands through Lance’s hair. When Allura’s high pitched little snores escape her mouth, Keith knows he’s the last one awake, but Lance surprises him by ruining his sleep schedule the very night before their graduation and silently crawling up closer to Keith’s face. He pauses there, inches away from him and maybe waiting for somebody else on the bed to protest, but Keith closes his eyes as invitingly as possible and it works, drawing Lance in for an understood limit of exactly three kisses before they both cut themselves off because they’re literally right next to their sleeping friends on the very same bed as them. “Thank you.” Lance whispers again against his lips, though, and Keith likes him being higher on his chest with his head able to rest in the crook by his collarbone because it feels right to put Lance right over where his heart beats.
“I used to wish I was left on your doorstep as a baby.” Keith says resolutely in response, not wanting Lance to think he has to thank them for being at his side or being so dedicated to him. He knows it’s weird but something in him is defiant and viper-like and suffocating all of his stupid and weird thoughts out because everything inside of him is something he suddenly wants Lance to understand about him so he can help Lance trust that he wants to learn every part of Lance, too.
Predictably, Lance only softly asks, “What?”
Keith swallows, rolling them so it’ll feel more intimate of a conversation but still feeling the heat radiating off of Pidge’s back behind him. “When I first met you, and for the years after that, I guess until a while ago. I used to think, sometimes, that your house would be a cool place to be dropped off on the doorstep as a baby. Because I thought you were the happiest person I’d ever met, and when we were younger and Veronica was still around it was still pretty loud around your house, and I only had my mom and Shiro sometimes when she was taking care of him for my dad, and I didn’t like my dad because he turned out to be the way he was and then fucked off, and I used to think, because I was an accident or something, ‘if my mom had dropped me off at a nice family’s house like Lance’s, I would have been okay’.” He can’t look at Lance because he’s afraid Lance is going to be looking at him like he’s a total weirdo, so he just swallows again as loudly as possible and mulls it over before he continues, “I know it’s not how the real world works now, obviously, and I guess it would’ve been awkward because I spent half my gay awakening with a crush on you and it would hurt the family dynamic, but…I always thought it would be nice, to be in a family with you.” The last breath comes out quieter, and Keith realizes he’s pulled a Lance by spiraling around the topic, except he hadn’t even realized what he was avoiding in his snake path, “I always thought, ever since I met you, that I would have been lucky if I had gotten to be in the same family as you because you’ve always been the brightest thing in my airspace. Anybody would be lucky to have that, whether they know it or not. You deserve to know that about yourself.”
Lance’s breathing is heavy, and Keith finally looks down to see that he’s crying again, but his tears this time are a lot less than the sobs of earlier and Keith doesn’t beat himself up so much over them as he tries to help Lance swipe them away. “Keith,” Lance whines quietly, like there’s so much on the tip of his tongue and nothing to do with any of it. Keith feels his eyes wet too and wonders why he has anything to cry over when he’s trying to comfort Lance through his familial turmoil. “I love you so much.” He slowly and softly slides his arms at their awkward angle around Keith’s completely frozen body, all boney limbs trying to avoid Pidge’s poor sleeping body in the crossfire.
When he finally manages to wrap his arms around Keith, he gives a soft a tentative squeeze because Keith is still a little shocked still, not sure what to do with himself at knowing Lance feels that way about him. Hesitantly, Lance pulls back to press un-licked lips to un-licked lips, and it’s more of a drag than anything else, but it brings Keith back to a dam welling in his eyes beginning to break where he can finally lean forward to capture Lance’s lips properly. When he parts them he says, voice heavy in the quiet, “I love you, too.”
Sometimes when Keith goes to pick up Lance from work he’ll park outside five minutes early just to see him in his element. Something about the way that his boyfriend can serve ice cream and gelatos through a little window always gets him a little kick of proud, and then Lance screams, “What flavor!?” at the top of his lungs over confused customers’ heads as he leans out the window, and Keith gets to grin and scream back, “Red!” because he knows it’s not a real answer and he doesn’t like the fake name the local shop came up with for their Italian ice that tastes like Swedish Fish but they can’t call Swedish Fish because they don’t have an agreement to it or something or other.
Lance brings him a Swedish Fish Italian ice cup as he climbs into the car and kisses him in way of payment for the treat, and Keith leans into it deeply because he’s missed his boyfriend all day and he feels bad for what he’s about to do to him in a few short moments when he’s just gotten off a shift and is still in his work t-shirt and shorts.
“Give me a plan.” Lance says, stealing the first bite of Keith’s ice and offering the second to him once he’s pulled out of the parking lot, “We should watch some movies tonight. Get really cozy. Blanket fort. Blanket fuc—”
“Do you mind if we stop at my place really quick?” Keith asks because he doesn’t want to have the idea of cozy movie nights and intimate moments with his boyfriend on Lance’s mind when there’s something entirely different to do lest he unintentionally get excited to be lazy.
Lance blinks like he can’t believe Keith is asking. “No, of course. Aw, it’s been forever since I’ve seen your mom I can’t wait to say hi!”
Keith blanches and can’t remember if he told his mom to wander off for the night or not. Even if she hadn’t, she knew they were having company and wasn’t always keen on meeting a bunch of his friends, so she might not be around. “She asks me where you work every day I pick you up. I think she’s waiting for you to get a better job—”
“Nevermind, I don’t miss your mom at all.” Lance huffs, eating another bite of his precious Italian ice and leaning over when they stop for a red light to kiss Keith very quickly. “Buddy, are you going to ask me about my day or what?”
Keith rolls his eyes fondly, a twitch at the corner of his lips and another spoonful of ice being shoved towards his mouth so fondly by his boyfriend. “Yeah, I’m ramping up there, be patient. How was your day?”
On cue, Lance slides into his seat, much more liquid-like and sighing brilliantly in a drawn-out exhaustion. “The worst,” He says, because he’s dramatic and it’s just the beginning of many tangents, “Brenda came in today and told me my shorts were too short when she was wearing booty shorts so hello! Goodbye day!”
“I love that band.” Keith cuts in very quickly as he sneaks a glance at his boyfriend, who wields his spoon quite threateningly.
He continues on his story about Brenda, and moves on to other coworkers naturally because working with a bunch of teenagers at an ice cream shop is the worst and Lance needs a new job immediately. When they reach Keith’s house, the little cup of Swedish Fish Italian ice is completely empty and Keith parks only to find Lance leaning over the partition to kiss him feverishly as he tries to take off his seatbelt.
“Hey,” Lance breaths into his mouth because he’s very hot and loves to do things that ruin Keith to the core, “Can we do something tonight?” He crawls over to sit on the driver’s side of the partition, balancing in Keith’s lap, and if he weren’t a human twig man it would be a problem but thankfully he takes up no mass and only looms over Keith, breathing heavily.
“What do you mean?” Keith asks immediately because Lance had been adamant and he likes to stay on the same page as his desires and wants and needs.
Lance bites his lip, and Keith can tell Lance feels bad about what he’s about to say so he drops his hand from the steering wheel to rub a soft circle into his hip and looks encouragingly up at his boyfriend with what he hopes can be interpreted as encouraging vulnerability and trust. Lance takes it as such, gives a hesitant smile, and says, “I know I said I didn’t want to do anything, I’m sorry, but I just kind of feel…sucky. The kind of sucky I feel like might be unique to realizing you’re not going to celebrate your birthday, so. I don’t know. Maybe we can just get a grocery store cake or something, and watch movies, like I said.” He plays with Keith’s shirt, avoiding his eyes again, and Keith feels something lurch in his chest because at least then he won’t be a total disappointment as a boyfriend by complying.
“Okay, yeah.” Keith breaths, “Of course we can celebrate. Let me just head inside a second. Come with?” He’s not really asking Lance so much as he’s asking Lance to lift his thigh up so he can get up really fast. The second Lance stands too, Keith leans to kiss him against the car while he can very quickly and passionately before racing him to his front porch steps.
He hopes they didn’t ruin this somehow. Keith isn’t sure what his responsibilities are so he’s mostly banking on Lance not being devastated that Keith had so elaborately schemed something up without involving him. Suddenly nervous about everything, Keith only fumbles with the door before holding it open for Lance, who scurries in past the frame and immediately shrieks at the onslaught of, “SURPRISE!”
“FUCK!” Lance screams back immediately, dropping the empty Swedish Fish cup they had shared and he had intended to toss. He clutches a hand to his chest and Keith shuts the after he slips in and hovers behind Lance in the doorway, watching him take in the faces of their friends and his siblings. Much quieter and a little without fanfare, Lance huffs out, “Oh.”
“Happy birthday!” Veronica surges forward because she lives the farthest and she’s the closest to Lance at the moment and she wraps his entire boney body up in a crushing hug. Keith can’t believe he was able to get all of Lance’s siblings to show up at the same place at once and it had taken some explaining with Marco and his husband but he really just hopes he did the right thing and now Lance is laughing wetly into Veronica’s hair while he hugs back and Hunk is joining the hug because he’s a magnet for them. It becomes a sort of celebratory huddle in just moments, and Keith can tell the look on Lance’s face is the one he reserves for when something really good is happening but he’s not sure what to do about it or how much to believe it, but when he locks eyes with Keith he smiles something soft and genuine and grateful, and even though Keith knows that later he’ll whine about not being able to get dressed up or changed after work or at least fix his hair, he’s done the right thing, and he’s grateful he could do it for Lance.
When they blow the candles and sing the birthday song, Lance dollops whipped frosting onto Keith’s nose and Keith shoves his face into Lance’s cheek as a way to still come out victorious, but it dissolves from there and Keith can see the way Lance’s lips want to curve and say any form of gratitude for him, so he cuts him off before he can even begin to imply he should thank him for the celebration by kissing him, and while the resounding cheers are the most embarrassing thing to happen maybe ever and Veronica is going absolutely hog wild with chanting, Keith wants to hold firm to every part of Lance and never remove their connection from one another.
It does end, though, and Lance whispers, “Thanks,” because he’s sweet and grateful even when he doesn’t have to be, and his lips are curved into such a soft smile but Pidge is yelling at him to cut the cake and Shiro is looking at Keith from across the room with a patented Proud Look on his face, so it’s safe to say they can save the rest of all of this for later.
So, Keith shakes his head and finds Lance’s hand so he can squeeze it, hoping to tether him where he knows Lance is feeling emotional and elevated, and there doesn’t seem to be as much tension all around them. It feels like, together like this, they’re creating what they all want and what they all need from each other, and Keith loves his stupid family gathered around the birthday cake Lance is cutting enough to go upstairs and tell his mom to come down and join them. She does, she has a slice of cake quietly after some polite greetings to the people she hadn’t seen come in, and there’s something sacred about them all together Keith knows he’s never going to lose from them. Lance tries to put more whipped frosting on his nose, and Keith sneaks another quick kiss in for posterity sake, smiling when Lance is clearly fighting a grin into the press of their lips. Keith wonders how soon would be too soon to propose to somebody he feels like he’s known all his life and has had a crush on for such a long time, and while he doesn’t have any plans and he knows he’s just sort of feeling dramatic and confessional, he also knows he can’t wait to share everything with Lance because Lance has always been a part of the family Keith’s always imagined.
“Love you.” Lance says when their lips give a millimeter of distance to allow something to slip through. Keith presses in again.