Chapter Text
He didn't know what he was doing.
The light sides would never like to him. He was a liar. The villain they needed. He held Thomas together. Self preservation in its most basic state. Lies and truth, good and bad. He showed Thomas the black and white world he desired, leaving out the gray. The inconsistencies that would break his world view apart. But the other sides couldn't know that.
Deceit. Bad. Villainous. A snake. A common enemy for the light sides to fight against. He had to be the enemy, no matter how much it hurt.
Thomas depended on it.
So why was he here?
He was in the mindscape common area. The living room. Or, more accurately, he was hiding in the bathroom connected to it, concealing himself from the others who were gathered together for what Patton liked to call, "family night."
He had never been invited, obviously. He hadn't even intended to be there now, hiding away in the bathroom while the others had fun~
"Logan, how many eggs do you think I can fit in my mouth without any breaking?" he heard Roman say.
"Two, maybe three. However, raw eggs are bad for your health so I don't think-"
"I'll send you those pictures of Logan watching Sherlock in his unicorn onesie if you fit in five." Virgil said.
"Oh you're ON!" Roman responded.
~and made some rather... questionable decisions?
He had been showering when this whole ordeal began.
Yes, he could have his own bathroom in his room if he so much as desired it, but he much preferred this bathroom because he could hear everyone being happy. Laughter would make its way through the door and he couldn't help but smile.
That's why he villainized himself so. To keep them happy. To keep Thomas happy. They deserved it more than him.
He usually would sneak out before anyone even knew he had been there, wiping the bathroom of all signs anyone had entered it and taking all his shower things with him when he disappeared.
Why didn't he just do that now?
He couldn't comprehend why he was still there, listening longingly to the other sides talk and laugh.
It’s not like he could join them.
Oh, he wished he could join them. Wished he could be a part of their laughter and joy. But that wasn't his role. His role was the bad guy, in this world of black and white.
Even if he had decided to screw with Thomas’ mind and join, he knew the second he made his presence known that the mood would shift. Maybe Patton would make the others let him join, changing the mood from joyful to awkward in less than a second. Or perhaps, and more likely, they'd just flat out spit at him and tell him to get lost.
He felt tears unwillingly fall down his face as he closed his eyes and leaned farther back against the door. He felt himself itching to scratch his arms and felt his nails dig in the palms of his hands, but he was almost a month clean and resisted the urge, opening his hands and stretching his fingers. He ran his hands through his hair and stood up, walking over to the mirror.
He had the light off to keep his presence hidden from the others, but he could still make out parts of his face thanks to the light coming from under the door.
He looked a mess, which was starting to become his new normal. His eyes swollen from crying and lack of sleep. His skin pale, especially compared to the dark green scales on the other half of his face, though those too had lost some of their usual sheen and seemed dull. His eyes, usually mischievous and full of a cheerful light that could rival Patton, were glassy and filled with tears that had yet to been shed. His cheekbones were popping out a bit more than would probably be deemed healthy. He dared not look at how frail the rest of his body looked.
He looked almost dead.
He had to stop himself from laughing out loud at the thought.
He had thought of death often, longing to just disappear with all his conscious thought and pain. Unfortunately, as a side he could not die. Even if he could, Thomas would almost certainly follow soon after. If he lost his sense of self preservation, after all, he'd in turn lose his will to live. Sadly, a necessary feature to survival.
The reason Deceit looked so sickly now, even though death was impossible? All mental. Whether he ate or not was irrelevant, though he would often partake in a few meals a day. At least, before he stopped leaving his room as often. Now it was rare for him to even eat everyday.
Everything the sides did that would be normal to a regular human like eating, exercising, and showering were not altogether necessary. The only reason they did any of it was because it kept them sane. It gave them a reason to interact with each other and leave their rooms. Locked in your room for too long, and Thomas would get affected. So far, Virgil was the only one to stay locked up long enough for that to happen. Since then, even the darker sides tried to avoid staying in their rooms for too long as no one really knew what effect to Thomas it’d bring.
Deceit was the only one who would ignore this unspoken rule. He was also the only one who, when he did it, it didn’t affect Thomas’ mind.
Unlike the others, Deceit could stay in his room for days at a time and still keep Thomas performing the same as usual.
I mean, it’s not like the others would talk to him when he was outside his room.
So he suffered alone, but only he did. He was able to keep his own, personal pain separate from Thomas's conscious thought, another nice perk the other sides didn't have. He alone could fake emotions well enough to make them reality.
He heard a shout from the other room, an outbreak of laughter, and loud footsteps running towards the bathroom door.
"VIRGIL WHY DID YOU MAKE ROMAN DO THAT???" he heard Patton yell before the door to the bathroom opened and the light turned on, Roman running over to the sink, spitting out raw eggs and shells and washing out his mouth.
But Deceit was already gone. Back to his room, and all he could hear was the past echo of laughter he'd just left behind.
He fell to to his bed, not bothering to put on his more comfortable clothing that he wore when no one was watching him.
He felt hollow. Empty except for the overwhelming sadness that enveloped him when he heard a shout of laughter from down the corridor.
He wanted to cry, but stopped himself. This was supposed to be happening. He was supposed to be the outcast. Because of him, Thomas was happy.
That's what he told himself as he slowly drifted off to sleep, tears slowly spilling out of his eyes despite his best effort to contain them.
***
He woke up, less than an hour later as he fell off his bed and graciously met the floor.
Groaning, he stood up and got dressed into a more comfortable outfit, simply to give himself rest of the cape that had been choking him all day. Black joggers and a yellow t-shirt. Shivering, he decided to add on a black hoodie. Okay, two hoodies.
He went to bed once more, knowing he wouldn't be sleeping.
Falling on his side, he gazed longingly at his door, wanting it to open and show him the common area where he was sure the others were still gathered.
As if to confirm his thoughts, he heard a laugh come through his door and he felt the tears well up in his eyes once more.
'No.' he sternly told himself and turned away from the door. 'They're better off without you.'
He tried to sleep, but all he could do is toss and turn.
He eventually swung his feet over the side of his bed and stood up, swaying slightly as his head grew dizzy and he blacked out for a second.
Once the spell past, he walked over to his door and held up his ear to the crack.
Silence.
He slowly opened his door and walked down the long hallway to the kitchen, stretching his legs as much as possible before he went back to his cramped room.
Passing through the common area, he found an empty carton along with raw eggs smashed on the ground.
He swallowed his smile and walked into the kitchen, looking around quickly before actually entering.
He made his way to the kettle and put some water on to boil.
A cup of tea would make him feel better.
Putting his teabag in his cup, he took the kettle off the heat quickly before it started to whistle and poured the water into his cup, hissing loudly when he spilled some on his hand.
He quickly went quiet and listened to his surroundings, only calming down when he didn't hear anyone coming.
They hadn't seen him in nearly 6 months. The longest he had disappeared for. He usually liked to stay away from the others and keep them distant from himself. It made his job of being the bad guy easy. How could you like someone if you don’t even know them?
However, the past 6 months had been more rough than usual. there was something about being Patton that just made him feel so... good.
He made a small appearance after that video, but then proceeded to just shut himself away. No one questioned it.
It’s not like he expected them to anyway.
He was still doing his job and that was all that mattered.
He turned around with his tea and stopped dead when he saw Logan standing in the doorway, looking ruffled and…
Scared.
Logan looked with wide eyes at Deceit, looking him up and down, finally landing on his eyes.
Before either of them could say anything, Deceit was back in his room
He felt the dam behind his eyes break open, and he was crying.
He fell to his knees, dropping his tea and spilling the hot water all over his lap. He didn’t care, he didn’t even notice.
The most logical and objective side of Thomas. The one who knew all the answers. The one who understood Deceit’s importance the most out of all of them.
He was scared. Scared of Deceit.
‘Anyone would be scared of a snake.’
He curled up in a ball on his floor and let himself cry.
If even Logan was scared of him, maybe he wasn’t that important after all.
Maybe they’d all be better off without him.
***
The next day, he felt Thomas jerk awake and knew the other sides would be awake, too.
He slowly brought his arms underneath him, pushing himself up and into his bed, wincing at the burns on his legs from the tea.
Wrapping his blankets around himself, he curled up into an even tighter ball, not wanting to get up and accept the new day.
And he was cold. His body shaking uncontrollably, no matter how many blankets he covered himself in.
'Just like a snake.' he thought to himself, feeling tears renew themselves in his eyes.
He felt tired. Drained. He couldn't remember the last time he got more than 3 hours of sleep.
He couldn't even remember the last time he ate. He felt his stomach growl as if on cue.
He couldn't die, but he could suffer in both physical and mental aspects, and right now, he was suffering on all playing fields.
He didn’t want to get up. To take care of himself. It all seemed like too much effort for something of so little importance.
He still had to do his job though.
Deceit leaned over far enough to turn on his TV screen and then sat back as he watched Thomas brush his teeth.
***
Logan sat in his room, still questioning the night before.
He'd gotten up for a drink of water, and came face to face with Deceit.
At first he thought it was Virgil, since he was the only one he ever knew to be up at such a late hour and have such great bags under his eyes. Then he saw the scales.
Concerned weaved itself through Logan's head once more as he remembered how Deceit looked the night before.
He was so thin and pale, both his eyes were laced with red veins and swollen, all with dark bags underneath to accompany the look.
He looked broken and Logan couldn't help the sadness that pricked at him. Not to mention the fear.
The thought of such an important part of Thomas being in such a frail state greatly upset and scared him.
He looked at his watch and jumped up when he realized he was already half an hour late to breakfast.
He should tell the others, he decided as he stood up and walked out of his room to the common area.
Virgil sat on the couch, headphones in and on his phone. Roman and Patton were both in the kitchen, talking about what they wanted to put in the waffles.
Patton looked over as Logan walked in and smiled his usual cheery smile.
"Good morning, Logan!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, good morning." Logan replied, still standing in the doorway.
"I'm surprised you weren't out here sooner! Usually you're up before all of us!" Roman said and Virgil looked up, taking off his headphones.
"Yeah, why are you up so late?" Virgil asked suspiciously.
Logan looked around at the other sides and sighed before saying, "We need to talk."
"About what?" Virgil asked.
"Deceit." he said calmly, and all eyes turned to him.
"What? Why do we need to talk about THAT slithering snake?!" Roman exclaimed.
Virgil seemed just as shocked.
"Yeah, what about him?" he said.
Patton seemed to be the only one who was concerned.
"Is he okay? He hasn't been out of his room in so long!" Patton said.
"That's the thing. I don't believe he is okay." Logan responded and then continued to tell them about his encounter the night before.
Patton looked sad and almost horrified and the description Logan gave of Deceit's appearance, and even Virgil seemed a bit concerned. Roman, on the other hand, waved it away.
"How do you know it's not a trick to make us feel bad for him? How do you know he doesn't want something?"
"That seems illogical, considering he's been avoiding us all this time and disappeared the second he saw me."
"Oh no! Do you think I should bring him some waffles? I don't want him to be starving!!!" Patton exclaimed, looking down the hallway concerned.
Virgil bit his lip.
"I wonder what's wrong with him." he mumbled, mostly to himself.
Roman still wasn't convinced.
"But he's EVIL! He's always lying and manipulating everyone! How do we know he's not trying to manipulate us now?"
Every one looked around at each other, the seed of doubt being planted in all of them.
Except for Patton.
"I still think we should check up on him, just to make sure." Patton said, putting his hands on his hips.
"I'll go with you." Logan said, finally walking further into the room to stand with Patton.
"Then I shall go to protect you from the lying snake that awaits us!" Roman said, brandishing his sword.
Virgil looked at the others and then down the hallway towards Deceit's room.
"I guess I'll join, too." Virgil mumbled.
***
After everyone ate their breakfast, Patton made a plate for Deceit and they all made their way down the hall to his room.
Patton knocked on the door with his free hand.
"Hey, kiddo? You doing okay? We brought you some breakfast in case you were hungry." Patton said.
Silence.
"Hey, Dee?" Patton said as he tried to turn the knob to the door, except it was locked.
Everyone looked at one another, and even Roman seemed to finally be a little concerned. Deceit would almost always snark back at them with a lie or some sarcasm when they bothered him.
The silence continued.
"Okay, well I'm just going to leave it out here. We won't look down the hallway if you wanted to get it after we're gone." Patton said, putting the food outside the door.
They waited a minute longer and then headed back towards the common area, everyone at least a little concerned for the darker side in their own ways.
"Do you think we should check in with Thomas? See how he's doing?" Virgil asked everyone.
Logan was the first to answer.
"We should wait a few days first before concerning Thomas. I'll monitor his behavior though and see if anything changes. However, Deceit has often done his job within his room, hence why none of us noticed his worn appearance sooner."
Everyone nodded in agreement and slowly went back to their tasks, trying not to look back at the room they left behind them.
***
Deceit heard them at his door. Heard the concern in Patton's voice when he didn't open the door or respond.
It’s not that he didn’t think of responding, but his throat was raw. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to speak loud enough to be heard, and if he was heard then he wouldn’t know how to answer their many questions about the state of his voice.
He couldn’t fathom why anyone was concerned in the first place. Maybe Logan thought he was up to something bad last night and the others were scared of him planning something?
Either way, he stayed lying there in the same position all day.
He heard Patton come back at lunch time and replace the cold breakfast with lunch and then dinner. Every time, Patton attempted to get Deceit to talk to him and let him in.
He never responded.
He didn’t deserve this attention.
***
Deceit hadn’t moved in days.
He still laid in the same curled up position as before while watching Thomas’ life on his screen and put in his input on how to handle certain situations when he deemed it fit to intervene.
Sometimes he would catch himself zoning in and out and missing certain cues in which he should have given his suggestion to Thomas, resulting in some minor inconveniences and awkward moments.
***
Nothing major, but still worrying to Logan nonetheless.
For as long as he knew Deceit, he always had an admiring work ethic, comparable to his own. So for him to not have input at all?
It was worrying, to say the least.
Perhaps he’d pay a visit to Deceit later himself.
***
He heard footsteps coming down the hallway and listened, waiting for Patton to knock and ask to let him in.
He was shocked to hear it was Virgil.
"Hey look, I know you don't usually talk to us and you're kind of a dick all the time, but we are actually concerned for you by this point."
There was a pause.
"Can you just say something? Anything? Just so we know you're alive in there."
He heard Virgil pause again, almost felt him straining to hear any response Deceit may have.
“Who said I want to be alive?” Deceit managed to get out, despite the pain and coughing fit it caused him.
***
Virgil was completely shocked.
Had that sound really come from Deceit?
Had that statement?
“Don’t say that. You know saying that means that you also want Thomas dead by association.” Virgil said in an attempt to make Deceit more comfortable.
He heard a small laugh, followed by more coughing and pained sounds.
“Dee, do you want some tea or something? It may help your throat.” Virgil offered.
There was silence for a minute, and then Deceit said, “*Don’t bother. It’s not like I’m gonna die.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t it hurt?”
“Everything hurts. You get used to it… Eventually.” Deceit responded, voice even more hoarse and almost unintelligible.
Virgil turned around and sat with his back against the door that was separating the two sides.
“What’s the point of suffering if you don’t have to?” he asked Deceit.
“Just because I don’t have to doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to.” he replied.
Virgil chuckled darkly. “Yeah, I definitely know what you mean. I used to think that way too. Then everyone came into my room and forced me into accepting myself. Maybe that’s what you need, too. Or maybe even just… one of us?”
Virgil didn’t hear the other for a while and thought that maybe he went too far, but then he heard a shuffling and heard the door to his room unlock.
Virgil quickly stood up and turned toward the door.
He heard more shuffling and a grunt, then finally “You can come in.”
Virgil’s heart started to beat a little faster as he turned the knob to the others room and entered, shutting the door behind him.