Chapter Text
Neil was sprawled across the bed on his back, tracing the pattern of cracks in the ceiling with his eyes as Andrew languidly trailed his fingers over the mountains and valleys of scars on Neil’s stomach. They’d both been awake for a while, possibly hours, but neither one of them felt like getting up or even getting dressed. It was one of Andrew’s rare days off from the bar he worked at so Neil was going to take advantage of that as much as he could.
He’d been with Andrew for nearly a year now. Neil arrived in Columbia thirteen months ago and spent the first couple weeks completely adrift. Since his mother died, so many years ago, Neil didn’t care where he ended up. He’d drifted directionless from place to place like they meant nothing, because they didn’t. He didn’t even know what he was running from anymore, if he was even running at all. It all seemed so pointless.
And then he met Andrew at a bar he happened to stumble across, late one night when he had nothing better to do.
Andrew was fascinating, in the way most people stopped being a long time ago. He was an anchor for Neil to ground himself when he felt baseless in the waves drawing him out to sea. Neil hadn’t felt so settled for such a long time that the warmth pooling in his stomach was an entirely unfamiliar sensation. He wasn’t sure if he had ever felt that way before, especially not about another person.
There were rules, of course. Neil didn’t bring up Andrew’s family and Andrew never asked about the scars on Neil’s back. Neil knew that Andrew had a cousin and a brother, but he had no idea where they were, who they were. He assumed they were gone, by the way Andrew talked about them in those almost-tender moments under the hush of darkness, when the world seemed a little quieter, a little colder.
The scars on Neil’s back were different from the rest of the scars littering his body. The other scars - the hot iron melted into his skin, the long curved slashes along his chest and stomach, the burn scars on his face and arms, the puckered scar left over from a bullet tucked on the edge of his chest - Andrew knew about. The first time Neil let Andrew take off his shirt and look at the scars his fingers had felt through the fabric so many times, Neil began to offer their stories.
But he never told him about the three bullet holes in his back, and Andrew never asked. Neil knew he wondered by the way his fingers skimmed past them when their kisses grew heated and Andrew’s hands started to wander. He knew Andrew wanted to know, but Neil didn’t know how to explain without telling Andrew everything, and that was impossible.
“Neil,” Andrew said. Neil turned over, jostling the arm Andrew had thrown over his waist, and faced him. Andrew looked soft like this, his edges and hard lines smoothed by the light filtering in through the white curtains. Andrew drew his hand up Neil’s side and rested it over Neil’s heart. Neil closed his eyes as he remembered the way they roamed his body last night, not as gentle as this morning but just as pleasant. “You’re spacing.”
That’s what Andrew called it. Spacing. One time Andrew had asked where Neil went when he spaced, but the only explanation Neil had was that he was lost in his head. It was true, for the most part, but it was more than that. Neil got lost in his thoughts, the hazy memory of his past, but sometimes he lost himself in something deeper than that, darker. Neil stifled a shudder. He didn’t want to think about the void, not when he was with Andrew.
“I’m okay,” Neil assured. When Andrew didn’t look completely convinced, Neil shifted forward the scant inches between them and tilted his head. Andrew searched his eyes for the part Neil was hiding, but Neil had already locked it back up inside of him. When he was satisfied that Neil’s yes wasn’t compromised, Andrew closed the distance between them.
And then they were kissing, something that Neil didn’t think he could ever grow bored of, no matter how many times they did it. Andrew slid his hand up Neil’s neck to rest against his cheek, directing the kiss and angling it in the way that always made Neil squirm. In retaliation, Neil wound his arms around Andrew’s head and pulled him closer.
Andrew deepened the kiss. Neil had planned on having a quiet day in bed with Andrew, but this, this was good too. When Andrew slipped his tongue in Neil’s mouth, he trailed his hand down Neil’s body, over his thigh, and hitched Neil’s leg over his hip. Neil gasped and allowed Andrew to push him down into the bed and straddle his hips.
At this angle, Neil had to reach up and meet Andrew in order to kiss him, but Neil didn’t mind. Andrew’s kisses were burning, laced with all the fire and lust. This kiss was a war, Neil pushed and Andrew pulled, but they always met in the middle.
Neil let his head fall back, breaking the kiss so he could take in all of Andrew. Andrew didn’t push Neil’s head away when Neil’s eyes roamed across his face, down his neck and broad shoulders. Already, Andrew’s neck and chest were flushed red, and Neil knew he wasn’t much better. They studied each other, eyes trailing over faces, fingers over bodies, until Andrew rolled off of Neil. “You should shower,” he said.
Neil snorted and propped himself up on his elbow. “Join me?” he offered. Andrew considered it, tilting his head to the side, but shook his head.
“I’m going to make coffee. Don’t use up all the hot water.”
Neil untangled himself from the sheets wound around his legs and pushed out of the bed. He didn’t bother pulling on the clothes he and Andrew threw on the floor in their haste last night, but he did grab a fresh t-shirt, underwear, and jeans from his dresser. The hot water from the shower felt great on his body, so Neil let himself drift off under the hot spray. A knock on the door drew Neil from his own head. He’d stayed in the shower longer than he meant to.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” Neil called. He quickly scrubbed his body with Andrew’s spice-scented body wash and lathered his hair with shampoo. He rinsed the soap from his hair, turned the water off, and stepped out of the shower.
He didn’t notice the puddle of water on the ground until it was too late. Neil threw out his hands to catch his fall when he slipped, but he missed the counter and hit his head hard on the edge of the bathtub with a sharp crack. Pain bloomed behind Neil’s eyes as his body slumped to the ground. He was already bleeding heavily from gash on his head, he knew it was useless to try and call for help. He didn’t want Andrew to see this, anyway.
The last thing Neil heard before he let the void claim him was the thump of Andrew’s footsteps down the hall, the banging on the bathroom door as he frantically turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. Neil wished he locked the door, he didn’t want Andrew to see this…
~
The first time Nathaniel died, he was twenty-three years old. He and Mary had been on the run for seven years, and it was only a matter of time until Nathan finally caught up to them. The Butcher dragged Mary’s death out for as long as it took for her to finally bleed out across the basement floor. Nathan was interrupted before he could really start on his son, so all Nathaniel got were three bullets to the back as he tried to escape.
At least, Nathaniel thought, he got to see his uncle put a couple bullets in his father’s chest before he succumbed to the darkness.
For most people, death was the end. Not for Nathaniel. He didn’t know why it happened, but when Nathaniel Wesninski died on the cold floor of a basement, the void claimed him before oblivion could.
Nathaniel Wesninski was a void walker. He had to spend ten years in the void after each one of his deaths until he could come back to life. After innumerable deaths, Nathaniel was used to it. He was used to the squeezing in his lungs as he tried to breathe in air that wasn’t there, used to the way his eyes strained painfully in an attempt to see anything past the darkness that blanketed him. But there was just nothing. Nothing but Nathaniel and the void.
Stupidly, Nathaniel had thought that he was finally free from this vicious sequence, free from his cycles of deaths and rebirths. His time with Andrew had been the longest he’d ever been allowed to stay alive before. Usually he’d only have a couple months before he died again, or even just a couple days. For once Nathaniel had wanted to stay, had a reason to stay. He should have known that the void would never release him.
Nathaniel’s lungs tightened painfully, and it had nothing to do with the lack of air. He wanted to scream. For the first time Nathaniel had had a life, a real life; he had a place to go home to and a person waiting for him. But he left Andrew behind. Nathaniel felt the loss keenly, like a knife twisting under his ribs.
Nathaniel wished he had told Andrew the truth. But how could he? I’m going to die, but wait ten years and I’ll be back to spend a couple more months with you.
Andrew thought Nathaniel - Neil - was dead. And he was. Neil Josten cracked his head open on the porcelain edge of a bathtub and bled out across the white tiles. He was dead. By the time Nathaniel would be reborn again, Andrew would have aged ten years and moved on with his life. Nathaniel didn’t have any right to ruin that. Andrew deserved to find someone else, someone he could spend the rest of his life with.
Sorrow washed over Nathaniel. He wanted what he could never have, and that was his fault. Not for the first time, he wondered if this was punishment. If the void was some sort of limbo that Nathaniel had gotten himself stuck in. He wanted out, he wanted an end. Getting second chances meant nothing if he couldn’t keep them. But he had no choice in that matter.
Nathaniel sighed. He had a very long ten years ahead of him.
~
Neil had spent so many years in the void he began to learn a few things. First, he could control the general area where he landed - hence why he was in Columbia, South Carolina again. Second, it was impossible to land on your feet.
When the void spat him out, Neil hit a wooden crate and bounced off to the floor below. He spent several careful seconds checking to make sure each of his limbs were intact, it would be no good to start his search with a broken leg. When none of his bones proved to be broken, Neil pushed himself off the ground with a dull groan when his body began to throb and wiped his hands off on his pants. As usual, he was wearing the clothes he had died in - the first time, when his father shot him.
Neil had no way of knowing if Andrew stayed in Columbia after his death or not. Surely he would have moved if he had; Neil couldn’t imagine him staying. But before Neil could figure that out, he had to find out the date and time. Then a shower and a hot meal would be nice, considering he hadn’t had either for a decade. After all of that, Neil could begin his hunt for Andrew Minyard.
Neil knew he should stay away, but no matter how much he tried to reason with himself, the urge to see Andrew overpowered his logic. Neil just needed to find him and explain, and then he’d leave again. He owed Andrew that much at least.
The first twenty-four hour diner Neil came across was deserted when he walked in. He expected it to be. After all, there weren’t many people out at this time of night and the ones that were had no use for an old diner tucked between buildings that practically enveloped it. The clock on the diner wall said it was about three in the morning, which gave Neil plenty of time until the city around him started to wake.
The waitress was a short woman with dull blonde hair streaked with gray and heavy bags under her eyes. The wrinkles around her eyes crinkles when she squinted at Neil’s ragged appearance. She quirked an eyebrow. “We don’t give out free food,” she said. Her name tag said Sandy.
“I have money.” Neil’s voice was scratchy and cracked with disuse. He tried to clear his throat, but it didn’t make it much better. Sandy’s expression was dubious, but Neil pulled out his battered wallet for proof. He thanked the void that it always spit him out with the same clothes and the same old wallet with the same fourteen dollars and thirty-nine cents tucked inside.
Sandy stared at him for another couple seconds, deciding whether to send Neil packing anyway, before she motioned for him to follow her to a booth in the corner near the back of the old diner. She set down the menus and left again. Neil made sure to keep his back turned away so Sandy wouldn’t see the three bloody holes in the back of his shirt.
Sandy came back to the table to take Neil’s order. Neil pointed to one of the items on the menu and nodded his thanks when she set a mug of coffee in front of him. Despite the diner being empty, it took nearly fifteen minutes for the food to arrive. When the steaming plate of eggs and bacon was in front of him, Neil wolfed it down faster than he should have, making his stomach cramp. But Neil didn’t care, he was starving.
When the food was gone and the check was paid, Neil slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. The dim lights in the bathroom flickered so violently Neil was sure they would die at any moment, and as Neil stepped carefully over cracked tile, he could see that the mirror was dirty and clouded with age. Still, he could see enough of his reflection to know that he looked bad.
Neil’s bloodshot eyes were framed with dark circles underneath, making him look like a bandit, or some kind of pirate. His face was dirty and thin with new and old bruises along his cheeks and jaw from hits Neil couldn’t even remember taking anymore. Dried blood was smeared under his nose and along his temple, already crusted over. His hair was so matted it looked like one big knot on his head. He truly looked like he was on the brink of death.
Luckily, the sink sputtered out enough water for Neil to clean his face and scrub away the blood and grime from underneath his fingernails. He stuck his head in the sink as best he could and washed some of the dirt from his hair, but he couldn’t get all the knots out with just his fingers. Still, when Neil was done, it was a definite improvement than how he looked before.
Neil turned off the sink and exited the bathroom. He could feel Sandy’s suspicious eyes on him the entire time he crossed the diner and left through the front door. Neil hoped she didn’t look close enough to see the blood on his shirt.
Finding Andrew’s apartment was easy. Even after ten years, Neil knew exactly where it was. The hard part was figuring out if Andrew still lived there or not. It wasn’t a good idea to knock on the door, especially at this time of night, but Neil didn’t know what else to do. It was still too early for anyone to be awake and it would be awhile before anyone would be out and about, so Neil decided to leave and come back later.
It took Neil nearly a week before he figured out that Andrew no longer lived in that apartment. Neil didn’t think he’d stay, but something withered inside his chest anyway. His chances of finding Andrew just plummeted, and Neil had no idea how much time he had left to find him before the void called him back.
Neil swallowed his hopelessness and continued his search.
A month later, Neil decided that Andrew was no longer in Columbia at all. He checked Eden’s Twilight where Andrew and Neil used to frequent, the bar Andrew used to work at, Andrew’s favorite restaurant, even the Exy court Neil sometimes dragged Andrew to. Andrew was nowhere to be found. (Neil did find, however, his own grave. He stumbled over it in a small plot at the cemetery in Columbia. All the tombstone said was his name, Neil Abram Josten, but Neil stared at it for such a long time that his eyes blurred. He knelt on his knees and resisted the odd urge to cry. Years before, Andrew had stood where Neil was standing now and buried him.)
Neil didn’t want to give up, but his clock was ticking and he had no idea where Andrew could be. When Neil lived with him, Andrew gave no inclination to where he would go if he ever moved, so Neil had no leads. Instead he returned to the alley where he was reborn and kicked a trashcan.
It was midday, and people were around, but Neil wanted to scream. He missed Andrew so much it felt like he was missing a limb, like the air had been knocked right out of his lungs and he couldn’t take a proper breath. All his grief and guilt caught up to him, sending Neil to his knees. Neil caught himself against the wall as heart thudded a dull beat in his ears. All Neil could think about was laying his head on Andrew’s chest and hearing his heartbeat. He wanted him so badly Neil’s entire body ached with it.
More than anything he wanted to feel Andrew’s arms around him, his lips against his own, but Neil was beginning to realize that could never happen again. Even if Neil did find Andrew, Andrew was ten years moved on from Neil, he had a life, possibly a new family. Neil didn’t want to take that from him, no matter how much it hurt.
Footsteps behind him made Neil twist around. For a second, he almost thought Andrew would be there, standing at the entrance of the alley, called there because Neil yearned for him so badly the universe conjured Andrew into existence. But it was a stranger, and the stranger had a gun. Neil froze at the sight of the weapon.
“I want your wallet, and your cellphone. Whatever you have on you, I want it,” the man said, in a thin, snuffling voice. He brandished the gun threateningly, but it was clear by the way he held it that he didn’t know how to use it. Still, he was only standing a couple feet away, it wouldn’t take a lot of skill in order to shoot someone in such close quarters.
Neil swallowed and dug into his pocket. The only money he had was the money he pick-pocketed and the little he had left from a storage unit nearby. His hand tightened around it. He had nothing else.
“I said I want your money!” The man’s voice had a tinge of desperation to it, and even though his face was partially covered by a hood, Neil could see his wide-stretched eyes and pale face.
“Look,” Neil said, taking a careful step forward. But before he could say anything else, the man pulled the trigger.
~
The void was the most familiar thing Nathaniel knew, but he hated it. He felt like he was suffocating. The thought of spending another ten years there was unbearable.
~
Neil didn’t know where he was when he left the void, only that it was cold. He peeled open his eyes to find a stretch of bright white over him. When his vision focused, he realized it was the sky and a concerned face hovering over him.
“Oh God, I thought you were dead. Are you alright?”
Neil blinked up at the face and hesitantly took the man’s outstretched hand. His lined face scrunched as he took in Neil’s disheveled clothes and bruised face. Neil shivered in the cold and the man draped his jacket over Neil’s thin shoulders.
“Where am I?” Neil asked instead. The man’s bushy white eyebrows furrowed.
“Albany Park. Do you need me to call somebody, son?” the man said, reaching into his pocket for what Neil assumed would be his phone.
Neil shook his head and looked around. People milled about, slipping into shops lining the streets or walking through the frozen grass of the park. It was the middle of the day and everyone looked too busy to notice Neil - except for the man, who was still watching Neil with careful eyes.
“No, I’m fine,” Neil muttered. He tried to give the jacket back to the man, but he waved Neil off and said not to bother. Neil stuttered a thanks and wandered away when the man finally left.
Andrew would be forty-four years old by now, but Neil couldn’t stop himself from just seeing him again. When the void gave him the option to choose where to go when he was reborn, all Neil thought was Andrew. Apparently, Andrew was somewhere in this city.
Neil scanned the area. Andrew had to be close, he had to be. It took only ten minutes of searching until Neil caught sight of a familiar blonde head bobbing in a crowd full of other pedestrians. Neil started, his heart thumping desperately in his chest. He could only see the back of his head, but Neil thought for sure it had to be Andrew. He took off after him, weaving through the throng of people. He stumbled into more than one person as he passed, but he barely stopped to apologize as he kept his eyes locked on the back of Andrew’s head.
Andrew crossed the street, and Neil ran after him. He was so close, only a couple yards away. Neil didn’t notice that the light turned green until he was halfway across the cross-walk.
“And-” Neil started, but he was cut off when a bus plowed right into him.
~
If Nathaniel was able to, he would scream in frustration. He was so close. Andrew had only been a couple feet away. Nathaniel saw him.
~
Neil was in a different city entirely the next time he was reborn. It had been more than thirty years since Neil died that day in his and Andrew’s bathroom, and Neil was about ready to give up.
He began to wonder what the point to all of it was. Andrew had surely forgotten about Neil by now. If he did get the chance to talk to Andrew again, he likely wouldn’t even recognize Neil when he saw him. The thought hurt more than Neil would have liked to admit.
The thing was, Neil had nothing else. Andrew was the only person he had cared about, who had cared about him, in a long time. Neil had loved him, and a part of him still did, even after all these years. If he could only have a chance to say goodbye, Neil would never ask for anything ever again.
A crash somewhere behind Neil made him jump. He was just about to turn around when a hand grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him backwards. Neil clawed at his throat, but the person spun him around and slammed him into the wall.
Neil didn’t need to look for Andrew, because Andrew had already found him. And he hadn’t aged a day in thirty years.
“Neil, what the fuck,” Andrew hissed through grit teeth. Neil didn’t answer, all he could do was blink at Andrew. Was he like Neil? He was supposed to be thirty years older, but instead he still looked twenty-four.
“Andrew…” Neil whispered. He raised a hand and traced the edge of Andrew’s jaw with a feather-light touch. But Andrew’s eyes were hard, and his grip on Neil’s shoulders tightened.
“No. No, you’re going to explain why they fuck you’re here,” Andrew said. “You died, Neil. I buried you.”
Neil laughed, but it came out strangled and sounded more like a sob. “I thought you wouldn’t remember me.”
Andrew’s glare could have flayed Neil alive. “You really thought I would forget you? I lived with you for a year. I lo-” Andrew cut himself off before he could finish the sentence.
“I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything, I swear.”
It was then that Neil realized Andrew’s hands were trembling. They stared at each other as seconds passed, minutes, until Andrew’s body relaxed enough that he let go of Neil. “I have an apartment down the street,” he said, turning on his heel and motioning for Neil to follow.
Andrew’s apartment was small and empty. It didn’t look like he had been living there for very long. Andrew didn’t let Neil linger in the hallway before he brought him to the kitchen and shoved a glass of water in his hands. Neil downed it, letting water drizzle down his chin. When he was done, he refilled the water at the sink and drank that one too.
“How are you here, Neil?” Andrew asked. Neil turned at the sound of Andrew’s wary voice. He was standing by the fridge, looking Neil up and down. When Neil took a step forward, Andrew stiffened.
Neil swallowed and retreated. “I’m a void walker,” he began. Andrew’s eyebrows furrowed and he led Neil to a lumpy couch in the living room. When both of them were seated, Neil started on the long explanation.
It took hours for Neil to explain everything, and he didn’t skip over the details. His first life, being on the run from his father, dying, the void, and finally, all those deaths since then. By the time he was done, Neil’s voice was little more than a low rasp in his throat. Andrew took it all in without a word, his eyes barely leaving Neil’s.
“So you just keep dying.” Andrew’s face was blank, betraying nothing.
“Sounds crazy, huh?” Neil said, but the humor fell flat. He couldn’t stop looking at Andrew. Nothing about him had changed, except his eyes seemed a little dimmer, his face more stony. “What about you? You look the same after all these years.”
It was a long time before Andrew answered. “When I was twenty-four, I was in an accident that killed my brother and my cousin. I stopped aging when I woke up in the hospital.”
Neil blinked. Andrew was immortal. At Neil’s bewildered expression, Andrew rolled his eyes. “You die every couple months and you’re surprised that I don’t age?”
“I just can’t believe you’re here,” Neil said, his voice hushed. Andrew’s jaw tightened. He looked away and stood up from the couch.
“You can sleep here for the night.” Andrew said as he disappeared down the hall. “If you make it that long.”
Neil snorted. “You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he called after him.
“You got hit by a bus while trying to cross the street. I don’t think I’ll have a hard time disposing of you,” Andrew said when he came back, his arms draped with blankets. He dumped them on Neil’s lap and made to move away again.
“Wait,” Neil said. He didn’t want Andrew to go, not after he just got him back. Andrew hadn’t touched him since he dragged Neil to his apartment, and Neil ached for his warmth. For a moment, it looked like Andrew would reach for him. He must thought better of it because instead of drawing closer, he turned around and went back down the hall. When the bedroom door closed with a quiet thud, Neil’s throat tightened.
Neil squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted Andrew to come back, he wanted to feel Andrew’s hands as he pulled Neil closer. But there was a large crevice between him and Andrew, cracked open by Neil’s death and separation for thirty years, and Neil wasn’t sure he’d be able to bridge it. He didn’t think he’d even have the time to.
When Neil woke up the next morning, Andrew was gone. Neil rubbed his eyes and wandered into the kitchen. He found a note on the table in Andrew’s messy scrawl that said he’d gone to get groceries and that he’d be back soon. There was no indication that he wanted Neil to leave, so Neil didn’t.
Neil decided to take a shower since he didn’t have time to last night. By the time he toweled himself dry, Andrew was back, his arms laden with bags full of food. Neil quietly helped him unpack all of it, but Andrew barely had any time to stay before he had to get ready for work.
Neil didn’t know if Andrew was avoiding him or not. If he was, he didn’t understand why Andrew didn’t just tell him to go. They skirted around each other like repelling magnets, trading stilted words whenever they absolutely had to. For the most part, Andrew left Neil alone. Neil had missed him so much, and now that he was back, it still felt like Andrew wasn’t there at all.
After three days of quiet, Neil couldn’t stand the silence anymore.
“Andrew, if you want me to go, I’ll go. All you need to do is tell me to leave,” Neil said, his voice stiff. Anxiety swirled in his stomach when Andrew said nothing at first. The air between them was tense, and when Andrew turned around and faced Neil, his face guarded, the tension was so thick Neil swore a knife could cut it.
Neil didn’t want to go. Even with Andrew being so distant and shielded, the thought of never seeing him again drove a knife through his heart. It was worse than all of his deaths, all of the time spent in the void. Neil wished more than everything that things were different, that he and Andrew had all the time in the world to be together. Instead it felt like the entire force of the universe was trying to drive them apart.
“I don’t want you to go,” Andrew finally said. Relief coursed through Neil’s body and he just barely stopped his knees from buckling underneath him. He wouldn’t know what to do if Andrew sent him away.
“Then what do you want?” Neil asked carefully. Andrew’s gaze never wavered.
“Yes or-”
“Yes.”
Neil wasn’t sure which one of them moved first, but one moment they were standing several feet apart and then the next they were twined together. Andrew yanked Neil closer by the collar of his borrowed hoodie at the same moment Neil’s hands found their place in Andrew’s hair. Nothing mattered when Andrew was kissing Neil in that harsh, biting way of his, not the time Neil had left or the thirty years between them. Andrew flattened his hands against the planes of Neil’s back and Neil shivered under his calloused palms.
Neil missed this. He missed the way Andrew knew every inch of his body but still his hands explored like he was just learning it. He missed the way Andrew always pulled him closer, the way Andrew took him apart with his clever hands and cleverer mouth. He was so hungry for Andrew’s touch, so caught up in him, that he hadn’t even realize Andrew was guiding him backwards until his back hit the wall. Andrew pressed himself against Neil’s body and wedged his thigh between Neil’s, eliciting a groan from Neil’s mouth. Neil threw his head back as Andrew mouthed at his neck, leaving bruises and sending heat through Neil’s entire body.
“Andrew,” Neil panted. “What do you want -”
“Bedroom,” Andrew interrupted between the kisses he bit into Neil’s jaw. They barely separated long enough to make their way down the hall to the bedroom. Andrew didn’t even bother turning on the lights, he was too busy pulling Neil’s shirt over his head and throwing it carelessly away. It didn’t take long until they were both undressed and Andrew had Neil underneath him.
Hours later, Neil had his head pillowed against Andrew’s chest and his hand tucked over his heart. Andrew worked slow fingers through Neil’s hair, his other hand skimming the scars along Neil’s back. Neil’s body ached in a pleasant way, like when he overexerted himself during a run. It was satisfying, and good.
Neil had missed this, too. The gentleness, the softness that two people with nothing but jagged edges should have been capable of. Neil pressed his lips against Andrew’s skin, just under his collarbone. It wasn’t quite a kiss, but it was close.
The rhythmic rise and fall of Andrew’s chest while he breathed was almost enough to lull Neil to sleep until Andrew said his name, drawing him from his reverie. Neil turned his head so he could see Andrew’s face, illuminated from the moonlight streaming in through the window. His hair was bright, like a halo around his head. Andrew didn’t return his look, but his hand in Neil’s hair tightened. Worry wiggled its way in Neil’s chest.
“I thought I was never going to see you again,” Andrew said, his voice quiet, like he didn’t want to shatter the stillness of the night. Neil’s stomach clenched. “When I found you on the floor of that bathroom, I thought you were gone forever.”
“I’m here now,” Neil said, twisting so he could face Andrew better.
“For how long?” Andrew said, finally looking at Neil. His face was only a mere inches away, and yet his expression was unreadable. “You are going to die and then it will be ten years before we’re together again. Ten years is a long fucking time, Neil.”
“I don’t want to go,” Neil whispered, turning his face into Andrew’s chest. “I want to stay for as long as I can.”
“When do we ever get what we want?” Andrew said, his voice harsh. It wasn’t a question Neil could answer, he of all people knew what it was like to lose everything. Andrew sat up without warning, and Neil had to move to prevent himself from toppling to the floor.
“Andrew -”
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this if this is what it’s going to be like. I can’t keep losing you, over and over again. The first time was too much. I can’t do it again,” Andrew said, his voice coming out in a rush. Every word sent a spike of pain through Neil’s chest.
“You think I want to die all the time? You think I like getting hit by a bus, shot at, or, or -” Neil swallowed the lump forming in his throat “-hitting my head against a bathtub?” Neil said, his voice starting to rise. “You think I like losing everything I manage to build up, never being able to keep the only good things in my life?”
Andrew stayed quiet. Neil clenched his jaw. “Isn’t a couple of months better than nothing?”
“No. Not if I have to keep watching you die,” Andrew’s voice was resolute, dashing Neil’s hopes against a rock. Neil scanned his face, but Andrew didn’t look like he was going to budge.
“So this is it, then,” Neil said bitterly. Something sharp twisted in Neil’s stomach. He had spent thirty years searching for Andrew, only for it to end like this. “If you can’t do it, why did you ask me to stay? Do you seriously think I could just hook up with you and leave like it’s nothing? I’ll go if you ask me to, but shit, Andrew, it’s going to hurt.”
Andrew’s jaw worked. He wouldn’t meet Neil’s eyes, but Neil could tell he was angry. There was a furious wrinkle in his brow, and every inch of his body was lined with tension. Neil could hardly believe that just an hour ago he had been kissing the tender skin of Andrew’s neck.
“You should go,” Andrew said, still not looking at him. Neil felt like the world was crashing down around him, like his ribs were collapsing into his lungs, punching the air from his chest. Once again, he was losing everything, the only person who ever meant a damn to Neil. And this time, it wasn’t even because Neil had died.
“Okay,” he managed. When Andrew didn’t say anything else, Neil pushed the sheets off of him and pulled on his discarded clothes. Andrew didn’t move at all; his eyes were fixed on the crumpled sheets in front of him. Neil grit his teeth. “Goodbye, Andrew,” he said. He tried to keep his voice even, but it cracked in the middle of Andrew’s name.
Andrew didn’t reply so Neil left without a backwards glance.