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It all began with Tilly.
She had been doing her usual excited babbling on the bridge about something she had found that could possibly help them in this fight against Control and the host of Section 31 ships heading their way. But it was met with silence from the Captain.
In fact, he wasn’t even looking at her, or paying her any attention as he often would. That was something that Tilly had come to take comfort in. No matter how much she rambles, Captain Pike always paid attention and smiled.
But right now, it seemed like he was worlds away in deep thought. And there was a look in his eyes that made Tilly feel alarmed. It was a look that she had never seen from him before. Sure, Tilly didn’t know the Captain for very long, but in the months that Pike had been onboard she was sure she had never seen him look like that no matter what was happening. His eyes, there seemed to be so much sadness and grief in them.
Just as she was about to say something again though, the Captain seemed to return from wherever his thoughts had been and stood up from his chair, “Try whatever you can, Ensign, good job.”
And with that, he left the bridge, though not before informing Saru that he had the conn.
Tilly frowned further. Usually a praise from Captain Pike would make her heart sing because she wanted to know that she was doing well. But the words she had just heard. It felt off. Tilly likes to think that she’s good at reading people’s feelings, and something about this just didn’t feel right.
She looked to the others on the bridge to find them all looking between each other, seemingly caught on to the same off-feeling that she had. It was like the Captain’s departure had left this awkward void and silence that they never usually had on the bridge.
Tilly would be lying if for a moment she didn’t think that maybe somehow the Captain had been replaced by some Terran counterpart, after all, with what they went through with Lorca, that’s hardly the most outrageous thing to happen. But something in her gut was telling her that wasn’t it.
That deep well of sadness and grief she had glimpsed in Captain Pike’s eyes, it wasn’t Terran, she was sure of it, it was something else that was afoot and now she needed to find out.
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“Something’s wrong with the Captain.”
Michael looked up from her position at the table in the mess hall she had sat with Spock across from her to find Tilly holding a tray in her hands and a big frown on her face.
“Tilly…” Michael greeted the younger ensign who proceeded to sit down and sigh, as if something was greatly bothering her.
Both Michael and Spock looked at each other and raised an eyebrow respectively.
“I know I’m not hallucinating this, something’s just not right…I can feel it…” Tilly continued on, hands gesturing as she spoke, “I mean, I know I don’t know him exactly that well but it’s just off….I just don’t know why…”
“Perhaps it would help if you started from the beginning.” Spock said in the hopes of trying to figure out what exactly Tilly seems to be having an issue with. “Why do you believe something is wrong with the Captain?”
Tilly looked between Michael and Spock for a moment and groaned, “You’re gonna think this sounds stupid. But…he didn’t smile…I mean, usually when I can’t stop talking, he’s always just smiling… today he just said good job and left, he was just really really quiet…and…and everyone else felt it too…”
Michael looked at Spock, who looked rather contemplative. Michael herself couldn’t really say she had felt anything was off. But then again, she had been so focused on the mission and everything that’s happened with her mother, she hadn’t really paid attention to what was happening around her in the recent days.
“What happened on Boreth?”
Michael’s thoughts were interrupted when Tilly spoke up again.
“It’s the only thing that could have caused this. I mean, he went down to Boreth alone. Everything seemed fine before and then he came back and it’s not fine. So, it has to be whatever happened on Boreth, so what happened?”
Tilly was frowning so much that Michael was beginning to get worried, “Tilly, I’m sure the Captain…”
“Ensign Tilly may be correct…”
Michael looked over to Spock in surprise, “What do you mean?”
“The Captain returned from Boreth before our return to the ship, yet he was not in sickbay to greet us.” Spock paused for a moment before continuing, “It is unlike him to not appear when a crewmember is injured. On the Enterprise, nothing short of Dr. Boyce threatening to knock him out with a hypospray would have stopped him from staying by an injured crewmember’s side until he is sure of their well-being.”
Now there were two concerned faces looking at Michael, who felt rather on display. “So, what are you saying?”
“That something has to have happened between him arriving on Boreth and him returning from Boreth, and we need to know!” Tilly was looking at Michael very intensely, as if ready for a fight.
“Tilly, even if something did happen, the Captain wouldn’t tell me…”
“Yeah but Tyler could, he and L’Rell were the last to see Captain Pike before he left for Boreth and the first to see him when he came back! They have to know something about his mission to get that time crystal.”
Now Michael was the one to pause, realizing why Tilly was relaying this problem to her in particular. “You want me to ask Tyler…”
“Michael, I’m just really worried. The Captain is usually so cheerful, you know? He smiles, he’s attentive, he listens. He’s like this big bubbly bright sun. He glows. But since he came back, it’s just…it’s like the sun stopped rising or something…and it’s not just me…Detmer and Owo usually greet him in the mess in the morning and they chat, but it didn’t happen this morning, and Bryce said he saw the Captain just sitting in the gym looking at nothing for a good hour…something happened and it’s just…I’m really worried, we’re all worried…”
Michael sighed a little, knowing that she could hardly resist concerns from both Spock and Tilly, “Alright, I’ll speak to Tyler.”
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The conversation that happened between himself, Michael, and Ensign Tilly, brought Spock to the doors of his Captain’s ready room. While Michael may be doing her own searching, it wouldn’t hurt for Spock to do some investigation on his own.
Ensign Tilly’s comments had brought up concerns that Spock had previously dismissed due to thinking that it was simply because of the tense situation they were all dealing with. But now Spock believes there is something more. While melancholy is not strange to Captain Pike, as Spock remembers how the Captain had reacted in the weeks when they had lost people on the Rigel mission years ago, but even back then, Captain Pike had never stopped being attentive, or become distant.
The Captain he knew would have been in sickbay worrying over Spock’s injury. Dr. Boyce called it fussing. Number One would joke he was a mother hen. In fact, Captain Pike would have stuck to Spock like glue, to use a human phrase. He would have called Spock to his ready room and probably had a big lecture about going into danger. And yet none of this had happened. Spock had received no summons from his Captain since his return with Michael.
All the signs leading to uncharacteristic behaviors had Spock very concerned.
He does not know what happened on Boreth, or what the mission to get the time crystal entailed, but something had caused a change in his Captain, and he needed to know. If nothing else, he needed to know if only to keep Number One and Dr. Boyce informed. He had received messages from both, promising to send them updates on the Captain. They would not be pleased if Spock had missed something important happening with the Captain’s well-being.
The doors chimed and Spock waited, and waited.
No response.
He cocked his head to the side in confusion.
He was sure that the Captain was last seen heading to his ready room.
He tried the door again, but no answer.
He was about to consider forcing his way in when it opened to reveal the Captain emerging from the darkened room. One look and Spock knew that everything Ensign Tilly was concerned about are true.
Captain Pike’s hair was disheveled, his eyes red and bleary, a drink in his hand, he was lacking the jacket to his uniform and thus only in his undershirt and uniform pants, even the boots seemed to be missing.
“Spock…”
The Captain’s voice was rough and quiet, and sadness, profound sadness filled the air that Spock could not ignore.
Spock enters the room quickly and letting the doors close behind him. The Captain did not stop him as Spock approached closer, “Captain, what is wrong?”
He’s not sure if the Captain is even hearing him as his eyes just seemed to glaze over. He’s still and so quiet, so very quiet that it almost scares Spock. Something was most definitely wrong, and Spock doesn’t know what to do. He’d never seen his Captain like this.
Captain Pike makes a gasping noise, small and pained. The glass he was holding slips from his hand, shattering on the floor, causing the Captain to scream and jump back, his legs hitting the seat placed behind him and he falls down on it. His hands shaking as his eyes are closed and he’s seemingly gasping for air.
Spock crosses the room hoping to steady his Captain and help him to calm down. But he did not even need to touch his Captain’s arms to feel the waves of emotions radiating from the man in front of him.
So much pain.
And terror.
It stops him in his tracks, stunned by what he’s feeling. What had happened that could terrify his Captain so much?
What could reduce a strong confident Captain to this state?
Spock shakes away those thoughts for the moment though, knowing he must focus on his Captain first. He grabs the other by his shoulders before he speaks.
“Captain, focus on me. Breath with me.”
The confused and glassy eyes of Captain Pike open and try to focus on him, the older man trying to listen to Spock, trying to match Spock’s breathing.
They stay like that for a few minutes until Spock is assured that his Captain’s breathing has returned to normal. However, once that happened, it’s as if the Captain had tired himself out. The man’s head falling forward and resting against Spock’s shoulder.
Something inside Spock stirs, a feeling of protectiveness, a feeling of anger and rage. Something or someone had hurt his Captain, a man who has been nothing but good and kind to Spock for all the years they had served together. He would find out who or what did this.
For now, though, Spock lays the sleeping Captain down on the couch before covering him with a nearby blanket and cleans up the broken glass on the floor.
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“L’Rell said that no one has taken a time crystal from the monastery without a great sacrifice.”
Michael frowned as she listened to Ash speak. “A great sacrifice? What kind of sacrifice?”
“I…I don’t know…” Ash shook his head as he sat beside Michael, “L’Rell asked what the monks wanted in return, but he said the experience was for him alone. He just…he talked about our son guiding him, that was it…”
If Michael had not been concerned before, she was now. A great sacrifice can never mean anything good, and if the Captain’s behavior is changing, then whatever sacrifice likely caused the change. It was the only logical assumption.
She was going to ask more when the door chimed, and Ash gave the okay for whoever to come in.
She did not expect Spock.
Nor did she expect the anger in his eyes or the tension in his movements.
Something had changed between they had last seen each other in the mess hall with Tilly.
“Spock…” Michael stands up, concerned.
“Something happened to the Captain on Boreth, he is not well.”
Ash now is standing too. “What do you mean he’s not well?”
Spock looked over at Ash and back to Michael before continuing, “I was at his ready room, he was…not as responsive as he usually is…something or someone at that monastery is the reason.”
Michael took this moment to speak up, “Ash was just telling me that to get the time crystal, a great sacrifice is required.”
“The Captain is in pain, I could feel it.”
Michael had no doubt that Spock’s words are true. But it did not help them to figure out what to do. They were after all readying to head into battle, and if the Captain had not told anyone what is wrong, they could hardly force it out of him.
Then, an idea came to her. “We need help. I think I know who.”
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It wasn’t everyday that Katrina Cornwell would receive so many messages about the concerns of one captain that she had normally never been concerned over.
Christopher Pike was the best of the best after all, or he would have never been given command of the Enterprise, nor the Discovery for this mission for that matter.
But something had happened, and judging from the messages she had gotten, it had to be something bad to have rattled someone like Pike. She remembers him at the Academy, bright and strong. He had one of those personalities that made people drawn to him like moths to a flame. She knew even then that he would go on to have a successful career as a captain. And he did. But something had happened now.
Her mind goes to Lorca for a fleeting moment, the desire to not be tricked by someone’s changing behavior. But she knew this wasn’t like that. The young Vulcan lieutenant, Spock, had been sure that instead something had happened to his captain down on the planet, something that terrified him and hurt him deeply. Christopher Pike was carrying something painful that he won’t share with anyone else.
Kat knows their kind – captains.
They all want to shoulder the burden themselves. They always want to be strong for their crew.
But even captains are, for the most part, human. Even they can’t be strong forever.
So, with all the concerns from Pike’s own crew, and suggestions from Pike’s own XO and CMO on the Enterprise. She knew what she had to do for her personal visit.
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When Christopher Pike woke up on the couch of his ready room, he frowned.
He couldn’t remember how he had ended up there, it was all a blur. And that’s not good.
He’d always prided himself on knowing his limits, to always be aware, but after Boreth, after what happened with the time crystal. It’s as if everything had been knocked out of alignment.
He groans as he sits up. His normal routine has been completely out of whack. In fact, he looks at the time and realizes that he’s late.
He swears to himself and tries to get himself to a presentable state.
Then it’s him making a beeline to the bridge.
He didn’t even stop for food or notice the concerned looks of the various crewmembers he’d gone past.
He gets to the bridge, takes over the conn from Saru and checks in with everyone, falling back on going through the motions. He’s trying so hard to keep everything as normal as possible, to pretend that he’s not feeling anxious or completely frazzled, that he doesn’t even realize the looks his bridge crew were giving each other.
If no one had been concerned about him before, they would be now.
But Chris could continue to fool himself into believing that all is well, until Spock walks onto the bridge and Chris meets the young lieutenant’s eyes and images flash before him.
Images of him and Spock in his ready room. Images of Spock telling him to breath. Images of him practically collapsing on Spock.
Chris freezes. And the room freezes with him. He now realizes all eyes are on him. And that Spock had seen him in that state.
No no no no no.
That was not supposed to happen.
He should not have let that happen.
He’s supposed to be setting a better example.
And he’s failing.
Panic and sudden claustrophobic feelings hit him.
He barely mumbles for Saru to have the conn before bolting off the bridge.
He makes it to his ready room before collapsing on the ground on his hands and knees, his breath suddenly seizing in his chest.
Spock knows something is wrong.
And now everyone would know something is wrong if they hadn’t before.
He can’t lose it now.
They have a battle to fight.
Control must be defeated.
He can’t fall apart now.
Or else everything he had sacrificed in that cave…
It’d have all been for nothing.
He manages to get his breathing back under control and sits against the wall of his ready room.
He must be stronger than this. He must get back up.
He’s a Starfleet Captain, he has a duty.
The door chimes and Chris has a moment of almost panic again, he knows he’s not ready to face anyone.
“Not right now.”
He can’t face anyone on the ground like this.
But the doors open anyways, and Chris looks up to find Admiral Cornwell.
His heart drops to his stomach, she knows.
It’s over.
She’s going to remove him from command, and it’ll be over.
He should get up from the floor, but his body doesn’t seem to have the strength to obey any command he’s desperately trying to give.
He must look pathetic like this.
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Katrina Cornwell had been concerned before, but as her eyes laid on the form of Christopher Pike on the floor of his ready room, seemingly terrified and broken like a scared child, it tugged at her heart-strings in ways she had not expected.
She moves to her knees to be level with him, her concerned eyes scanning his body to make sure there were no physical injuries to be concerned about before meeting his eyes, eyes that seems to be filled with fear and guilt.
“Chris…” She starts softly.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” The man closes his eyes and repeats it like a mantra, his right hand clutching the badge on his uniform.
“Chris…” Kat tries again, “Please tell me what’s wrong? What happened on Boreth? Let me help you.”
Eyes filled with tears opened and Chris shakes his head, “I can’t…I can’t…I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone…I can’t…”
Whatever happened that he refuses to tell, it was causing him pain. Pain that Kat didn’t need to be a psychic to feel. She had never seen him like this.
She gently reaches out to lay a hand on his arm, a small whimper leaves his lips as his body shudders under her touch. He’s shaking, as if going into shock.
“Please don’t take the ship away from me. I can…I can still do my job…” His voice is so small, it’s almost a whisper.
Kat feels her heart breaking for the man in front of her. She had heard that getting the time crystal required a great sacrifice. What great sacrifice did he make to get that time crystal? What had Chris given in return for the chance to save the galaxy?
“Chris…I’m not here to take the ship away…I’m here because your crew is worried, I’m worried…” Kat tries to be as soft and gentle as possible, like how one would treat a wounded animal, “I just want to help you, Chris…please let me help, you can tell me, I won’t tell anyone…”
Eyes filled with pain looks at her, as if unsure to trust, afraid of saying the words.
“Chris, you don’t have to bear this alone, whatever it is. Let me help.”
She doesn’t push, she stays with him. The two of them on the floor, her just letting him know that she is there with him, that he’s not alone.
Seconds turn to minutes, but Kat is patient. It is important to let Chris find his own way, she can’t push him to trust.
“They…the crystal…it showed me….my….my future…” Chris finally started to speak, his voice still shaking, it almost breaks at the mention of his future, but Kat doesn’t interrupt him, she lets him continue, “the…the timekeeper…he said that…if I take…take the crystal…I would seal my…my fate…to that future I saw…there would be…no escaping it…”
He meets her eyes and in them, she could see what he left unsaid. Whatever future had been shown to Chris, it was nothing good.
Christopher Pike had given his future so that they would all have a fighting chance.
“Oh Chris…” She whispers sadly.
Tears fell down Chris’ face as sobs racked his body. Kat pulls him into an embrace, and he clings to her tightly, desperately.
“I’m scared…I’m scared…I’m sorry…”
Of course, he’s scared, who wouldn’t be? No wonder his behavior had changed. It would have crushed a lesser man, bearing that burden alone.
“It’s okay to be scared, Chris…it’s okay to be scared…” She holds onto him, rubbing his back as he cried. “There’s nothing to be sorry for…”
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Chris had not realized how freeing it felt to admit what happened, to admit how terrified he felt.
Even if the Admiral didn’t know the details of what he had seen, even if he had been afraid to tell her the specifics because he had promised Tenavik, it was as if a burden had been lifted and he didn’t feel so isolated and alone.
He needed someone to tell him it was okay.
He needed someone to tell him he could be scared.
He needed someone to tell him he didn’t have to be strong.
He held onto the Admiral and cried for what seemed to be forever. To the point that he could cry no more and he felt so tired.
He finally pulls back from her, feeling embarrassed to have cried to a superior officer like this.
“I’m s…”
“Don’t even say you’re sorry Chris…” She had given him a look, “You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing.”
Chris looks away, not quite believing that he shouldn’t apologize for completely losing it like he just did.
“Come on, you need to get some rest…” Cornwell helped Chris to his feet, “Your crew will need you soon. But not right now, I’ll speak with them. You rest.”
Chris nodded wordlessly. He knew better than to argue with her.
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Kat exited Chris’ quarters after ensuring that he was comfortably resting. He was out the second his head hit the pillow, an indication of how exhausted he must have been, and how much of a toll carrying all that pain around must have taken on him.
She sighed in relief though, at least now she can feel assured that he would be okay. That he’s not holding back all the pain that would be waiting to just explode one day. It’s happened now, and he can at least work to move on, to be more at peace with the decision he had made.
If there wasn’t a fight with Control on the horizon, if the crew didn’t need stability, she might have considered sending him back to Earth to recuperate. But Kat had a feeling that would have done more damage than helped. Chris needed to be with his crew, and his crew needed him.
And now, she had a worried crew to inform.
She would keep his secret, as she had promised. But this crew needed to know that their captain is going to be alright.
A small smile reaches her face at the thought of the concerned faces of Discovery’s crew, Kat hadn’t thought that she would see this crew worried about a captain like this again, especially after all that they had gone through with Lorca. But here they were, only a few months with Christopher Pike at the helm, protective over their captain like a mother to its young.
When she had assigned Chris to Discovery after the Enterprise had gone down, she had hoped that maybe he would work his brand of magic and help this traumatized crew find their way. She hadn’t expected it worked the other way around too.
But she was happy it did.
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Michael watched as the crew milled about the mess hall after Admiral Cornwell had appeared to address the concerns about Captain Pike. She didn’t say what happened specifically, but she did inform them that Captain Pike would be alright, that he needed some rest but would be back on duty soon.
The tension that was in the room broke at that, as if the whole crew had collectively let out the breath they were holding. Pike hadn’t been their captain for very long, but the crew had taken to him like ducks to water.
Knowing their captain would be alright seemed to have boosted the morale of everyone, despite knowing they might all be facing impending doom by an out of control A.I.
Tilly was smiling again, chatting animatedly with the rest of the bridge crew. Michael was sure that Tilly felt vindicated that her concerns about the Captain was able to help the man in the end.
Spock, however, was another story.
To most, Spock seemed impassive and unchanged, but Michael knows how to read her brother. Whatever was bothering him before had not faded.
“Spock…”
“Something happened to him.”
“You heard Admiral Cornwell…”
“I felt it…his fear…his pain…something happened to my Captain and…”
“And it bothers you that you do not know what…” Michael answers for Spock, who looks at her in the same way he had used to do when they were kids and he was confused in grappling with human emotions. “Give the Captain some space, Spock, he will tell you when he’s ready…”
Spock looked pensive at that, but he nods.
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When Christopher Pike woke up again, he felt refreshed.
The pain and fear didn’t completely go away, but it didn’t hang over him like a dark cloud.
He got up and washed his face. He did his routine of getting ready and was in the middle of putting on his jacket when he heard the chime at his door.
“Come in!”
He looks up to see Admiral Cornwell entering with a smile.
“You’re looking better…” She remarks.
Chris smiles at her gratefully, “I’m…feeling better…thanks to you, Admiral.”
“Then I think you’re ready for these visitors…”
He was about to ask what visitors when he hears a shriek of “Uncle Chris!” before a small form hit him at incredible speed, nearly knocking him over, and attaching itself to him.
Chris blinked for a few seconds before realizing what was happening, a wide grin forming on his face as the small hugger looked up and Chris recognized the face of the youngest son of his former captain Robert April, his own namesake, little 10-year-old Christopher Robin April.
“Chrissy, what are you doing here?”
He looks over to Cornwell for answers and catches three more people entering the room carrying horse shaped balloons and a giant horse plushie.
“Number One told me you were feeling under the weather and I called Mom and Dad and they sent these little rugrats out here. Something about hugs are the best medicine.”
His eyes find Naomi April, the eldest child and adopted daughter of Robert and Sarah April, dark skinned and in her late 20s, she's also one of his medical officers aboard the Enterprise. She gave him a knowing look. No doubt Number One had fully informed her of why he was under the weather.
“I thought you were on the Enterprise?” He asked.
Naomi gave a shrug, “Number One didn’t want me to wait around spacedock, said I should visit home for a bit.”
“We got you balloons!” 13-year-old Thomas “Tommo” April exclaimed.
“And Chrissy picked this giant thing out himself!” 17-year-old Cassandra “Cassie” April joined in, holding out the horse plushie to show off.
Chris couldn’t help but chuckle, ruffling Chrissy’s hair as the small boy made protesting noises, finally letting go to swat at Chris’ hand.
The boy looks up at Chris again, eyes filled with curiosity, “Are you feeling better now, Uncle Chris?”
Chris moves to his knees so he’s at little Chrissy’s height, “You know what, I do. You guys are the best medicine.”
He hugs the boy tightly, feeling himself almost emotional again. Chrissy hugs back and pats him on the back, “I love you Uncle Chris.”
“I love you too, kiddo.” Chris answers, then looks to the others and waves at them to come closer, “Get over here, all of you.”
“Group hug!” Cassie calls out as she and Tommo put aside the balloons and plushie and joins in the hug. Naomi comes in last to complete the group.
Chris isn’t sure his knees can take the weight of four huggers, but he finds that he doesn’t really care. For in this moment, he was far happier about not being alone. He mouthed a thank you to Admiral Cornwell over the kids’ heads, and she answered with a knowing smile as she exited the room.
Christopher Pike will never escape the future that might await him, but right now, in this moment, with four people he loves very much, that future didn’t seem so dark or terrifying anymore.
Right now, right here, this is what matters.