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Being pregnant, according to society, is a normal process for women. Something that will happen eventually, when they find the "right person". It’s frowned upon to decide not to have kids, some consider that selfish even, because it’s a woman’s role in life to give birth. So when someone can’t have children, people pity her because they consider she has been robbed of what makes her a woman.
Lena considers herself a feminist, as is her wife Kara. They fight for equality and for the abolishment of stereotypes and societal pressure on women. So naturally, when they realize they can’t get pregnant, it’s not their womanhood they think of first.
For Kara, it’s mainly sadness and frustration. Lena has trouble getting pregnant and there’s nothing she can do about it even if she is one of the most powerful being on Earth. It’s not like they could switch, really. Kara is Supergirl so she can’t exactly go on maternity leave when her belly is too big to fit in the costume and there’s no telling how a Kryptonian pregnancy would work on Earth.
No, the logical choice is Lena, just Lena and an anonymous donor because as much as Kara wishes she could pass on her Kryptonian genes, she doesn’t want to hurt Lena. She survived being the last daughter of Krypton but she would not survive losing Lena, the love of her life.
But Lena can’t get pregnant and they don’t know why. It hurts her more than anything she has ever known, more than her mother and brother trying to kill her, more than fighting with Kara, more than getting shot… It hurts because she really wanted to give this to her wife, to complete their own little family.
It’s disappointing to have your body fail you when you need it the most, it tears you appart. Lena is angry, at herself, at the world and for some reason at her family because she feels like she is finally paying for their sins, like a slap of karma. But mostly she feels empty, for all her brain and PhDs she can’t come up with something, anything to help them. So she tries to forget, but it doesn’t work, it never does…
***
The first time they tried it was a rainy day and they had been laughing when they entered the clinic soaked. Nervousness was readable on their faces but mostly it was excitement that came through. Everything had gone well and they were happy, they knew it probably wouldn’t work on the first try so when her period returned and with it a negative pregnancy test they just ate their disappointment away with cookies and ice cream. They were fine.
The second time was also very disappointing but the doctors told them the numbers again, she asked them to be patient. That night, they proved themselves how strongly they loved each other, no matter what, for hours.
The third try was a hard blow. Lena skipped her period, it wasn’t late, it just wasn’t there. They got excited, perhaps a little too much because when the test came back negative, Lena almost cried in front of the doctor. She waited until they were back home to take a shower and with the water covering her sobs, she let the tears fall. Kara let her have her moment of vulnerability before joining her quietly. She said nothing as she held her wife’s naked body against hers.
After that they conducted some tests and they decided to let Lena’s body rest for a year. Kara, sweet Kara, never pushed, she was by Lena’s side, no matter what.
When Lena felt ready to try again, she took a sabbatical from L-Corp, focusing on herself and on a book on alien technology she had been trying to write for a while. They tried again, four times. Each time was more painful than the one before.
They fought, hard, in exhaustion, frustration and sadness. Sometimes is was Lena’s fault because the pain in her body was too great, or because she felt like the worst failure in the world, sometimes it was Kara who started it, incapable of being the strong one anymore.
The irritation, the tension, they weren’t used to it. As a couple they barely fought, they could count on one hand the number of fights worth remembering since they got together six years before. They got close from splitting, the weight of their unborn child too great to bear for them. But in the end they loved each other too much to give up, so they tried again.
Kara remembers well the fourth time, Lena was exhausted, her body giving up and her mental as well…
*She hadn’t looked at her wife in the eyes since the doctor told them she wasn’t pregnant. She had just said: "One last time, and then… Then I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.". Kara and the doctor had both nodded, understanding the situation and Kara wanting nothing more than to hug her wife until her pain went away.
They walked in silence to the car, Lena lost in her head and Kara letting her be, trying to process her own loss. She started crying as soon as the car door closed behind her, Kara quickly letting up the privacy partition as their driver drove away. She sat close to her wife, trying to hold her but she felt the resistance of the fragile body.
"We’ll be alright, I promise…"
Kara’s words were meant to remind her wife that she wasn’t alone in this. Lena sobbed harder, her head finally falling against Kara as she soaked her shirt with her tears. In minutes she was asleep, her body slowly sliding down until she was resting on Kara’s lap.
When the car stopped in front of their building Lena didn’t bulge so Kara used her superhuman strength to lift her as softly as she could, carrying her bridal style inside the building and in the elevator. She put her to bed, ready to leave the room to get some tea when Lena’s hand stopped her.
She pulled Kara to her, her eyes red from crying, her voice rough from the emotion. The blonde sat next to her, holding her close and Lena buried her head in her wife’s shirt, grasping it tightly. She wasn’t crying but it was close and Kara had trouble holding her tears too.
"What’s wrong with me… What’s… Something is broken, I’m broken…"
Kara started crying, hating herself for it but seeing Lena like that, and having to deal with her own sadness… It was too much, even for the girl of steel.
"You’re not broken, you’re perfect, no matter what, you’re perfect."
Lena sobbed, almost tearing Kara’s shirt apart as she held onto it like a lifeline. She slipped down, lying down as Lena almost crawled against her, her head now buried in her hair.
"I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…"
"You did nothing wrong, I love you, so much…"
They stayed like that for what felt like hours, Lena whispering that she was sorry and Kara telling her she was perfect and that she loved her no matter what. It was painful, they were both left without tears in their eyes. They slept without dream, too exhausted.
*
And then Lena finally got pregnant. They were ecstatic when the three months limit passed, after so much suffering, it would finally pay off, they were going to have their family. They started painting the nursery, bought some furniture and Kara even came home with a huge teddy bear.
Then the pain started, the blood stained the bed and Lena cried while Kara held her. The doctor’s words were blurry after she heard "miscarriage". Lena was in her hospital bed, her hand in Kara’s but she was empty. She had left when her baby did.
***
Now a year later, Lena is sitting in the park near their home like she often is. She is alone, Kara won’t be home before late in the night and she likes to watch the children play. It reminds her why they suffered so much, a couple fighting against destiny, sometimes against themselves… They had almost lost the battle.
She doesn’t realize a tear sliding down her cheek but she definitely feels the soft finger wiping it away. She raised her head, her eyes meeting blue orbs looking at her with so much love she almost chokes. Kara sits besides her and Lena melts into her arms immediately.
"What are you doing here?"
She feels Kara’s lips on her hair as she leaves the sweetest kiss she can.
"It’s been a year today, I wanted to be with you."
Lena is thankful for Kara every single day. She is still not sure how she managed to get so lucky.
"Thank you."
Kara hums and together they watch as parents tell their children it’s time to go home. Soon they are alone, apart from the occasional jogger who pay them no mind. It’s crazy, how everybody’s life keeps going when yours is stopping. Kara wants them to stop because it seems so important to her, when she is consumed by her sadness and her worry, that it feels like everyone should bear her burden too. It’s selfish and unfair, and at the end of the day it’s not even true anymore. This sadness is theirs, and she doesn’t want anybody to take it from them… But sometimes, she wishes it wasn’t as heavy.
"Kara?"
Lena’s voice is but a whisper, almost getting carried away by the wind. Kara doesn’t speak but she hugs Lena a bit tighter and kisses her head once more, she’s here, listening.
"I think I want to try again."
There’s no need to say more, Kara understands immediately and she frowns, she is not sure she wants to put Lena through that again, nor herself. She think of the room in their penthouse, half painted, with the door closed since they came back from the hospital…
"Lena… I don’t know…"
Lena gets out of Kara’s arms to look her in the eyes.
"Please, Kara. One last time."
Kara tries to always be strong, for the world, for Lena, but she understood early enough in their relationship that for it to work she needed to show all of her. To bare herself.
"I’m not sure if… If I can handle the…"
The words are stuck in her throat, her eyes looking directly at the setting sun but Lena wants to see her. Soft fingertips coming to rest on her chin, Lena slowly and silently asks Kara to look at her. When she does, her eyes are shiny and they close when Lena’s lips lovingly cover hers.
"Trust me, one last time, put your faith in me."
A smile appears on Kara’s face, it’s not as bright as usual, but it’s a start. The wedding band on her left hand is always comforting and Kara plays with it for a few seconds before lacing her fingers with her wife’s.
"I will always have faith in you."
They both smile, kissing again before Lena settles against her lover again. The sun is painting their faces orange, leaving a magical glow on the park. One last time.
***
It’s surreal. Something they both thought they would never have but it’s here. Lena and Kara are standing in the nursery, the room is done and the door is not closed anymore. The soft green and lilac on the walls make them calm as they stand in the middle of the room. Kara has her arm around Lena’s waist while her head is on her shoulder.
Exhaustion is palpable in every muscles of Lena’s body but she doesn’t care. She is overwhelmed with happiness. In front of them, in the crib, is a tiny living being. He is so small, so fragile but he was eager to meet his mommies. He arrived almost two months too soon and Lena left the operation room with a scar on the inside and on the outside. She will not be able to get pregnant anymore, but it doesn’t matter, she has everything she needs.
There, in front of her, is her baby boy, sleeping like an angel. There is so much love in her heart, she feels like it could burst. But Kara is here, just as full of love, keeping her grounded. On the blanket thrown on the back of the rocking-chair are silver letters, embroidered in the soft material, "Maël", Prince in Irish. Maël is their miracle and they can’t bring themselves to leave his side.
"Thank you, for having faith in me."
Lena’s voice is low, she is scared that if she speaks too loud, she is going to wake up, that the ache of her body will disappear and the fullness of her heart with it. Kara must think the same thing because her voice is just as quiet when she answers.
"No, thank you for not giving up."
Lena smiles and kisses Kara with all the love she has for her. She is exhausted, she needs to sleep but she doesn’t want to leave him. She feels Kara scooping her up, her strong arms carrying her towards the bedroom. She wants to protest, to tell Kara that she can’t leave him alone but she doesn’t. She chooses to trust Kara and secures her arms around her wife’s neck. When she sees the video monitor on her bedside table she smiles.
She feels her body being delicately put on the bed and sighs in contentment when Kara puts the covers on top of them both. She lies on her side, Kara holding her from behind as they both watch their son’s sleeping face. His breathing is steady, they can hear it through the monitor and Kara focuses her listening on the small, new heart of their home.
"I love you."
There’s no telling if Kara is talking to Lena or Maël, but it doesn’t really matter, Lena gets it.
"I love you too."
The new family sleeps and with the first cry of their newborn begins their new life.