Work Text:
“Hyung?”
Yoongi flinches, almost deleting the small part of the track he is currently working on. A curse is ready on the tip of his tongue but he swallows it, taking a deep breath before saying something he might regret.
“If you don’t have coffee you can leave again,” He says dismissively, not even turning away from his computer screen to look up at his friend. Namjoon has a knack to always find the worst time to disrupt his work. It’s really not one of his good traits.
A paper cup of steaming hot coffee gets placed next to his keyboard. Yoongi only glances at it briefly before focusing back on the screen in front of him. There’s still something off about the track – something that doesn’t sound right and he’s a second away from locating the issue. He could almost put his finger on it but not when Namjoon is going to distract him.
“You don’t look very good, hyung,” The younger says and Yoongi could hear how he settles down on the leather couch behind him.
“Well, if I wanted to see the obvious I would have just looked at the mirror.” Yoongi rolls his eyes. If Namjoon is going to just talk about the same old shit again then he could also just leave. It’s not like Yoongi is going to listen after the nth time of hearing the same old shit over and over again.
“When have you left the studio the last time?”
He sucks in a sharp breath, saving the file before he turns around in his chair. It doesn’t look like Namjoon is going to leave any time soon. Might as well indulge him in a little small talk. “I – Monday,” Yoongi replies eventually, rolling his shoulders back a bit as he finally sits up straight for the – well, first time in hours? He’s not really sure.
“It’s Thursday,” The younger deadpans.
No way it’s already Thursday. “I’m very busy,” Yoongi mumbles and glances at the screen of his phone. It really is Thursday… He didn’t even notice how long he’s already been here. His eyes travel over the empty takeout boxes littered around his trash bin in the corner of his room and as he rakes his fingers through his hair he notices how greasy it actually is. He hasn’t showered in days and suddenly he starts feeling disgusting. His shirt clings to his back, there’s a hole in his sock and as he raises his arm a little he finally notices the slight stench coming off him.
Well, maybe it actually is time to leave the studio for once.
“Have you been sleeping on the couch again? You know that it’s bad for your back,” Namjoon says, gesturing towards the small black couch. It’s the first thing Yoongi bought for the little studio at the end of the corridor in this building. The couch isn’t big enough for him to lay down and stretch out to full length but Yoongi curls up like a ball anyway.
Over the course of working for this company in the last years, Yoongi has slept more than once on the small couch. And yeah, it might not be the best for his back but it’s not like he slept that much on it since Monday. That this is due to the fact that he almost hasn’t slept at all is something he should maybe keep to himself for now.
“I haven’t slept on the couch,” Yoongi says, hoping to convince Namjoon. But one glance at the younger destroys this small speck of hope. “That much,” He admits. Only because he’s been falling asleep in his chair.
“When have you been sleeping?” Namjoon exclaims slightly. “How many hours did you have last night?”
When even was last night? Is it morning? Midday? Afternoon? Evening? Yoongi doesn’t even know that. The only thing he knows is that now, as he’s not focusing on the track he finally feels the exhaustion of the last days in his body. His back is hurting, his neck hurts, his joints crack at every movement and he’s sure almost all of his muscles are under tension from falling asleep in weird positions all the time.
Anyway – back to the question about his sleeping pattern. It’s not like he had any healthy sleep schedule in the past but he knows that his sleeping did get worse. But Namjoon shouldn’t really know about that – if only the younger would be oblivious to his lies. “About – I think three maybe? I kind of fell asleep on the toilet at five for half an hour or so – I guess that almost makes it four hours of sleep which isn’t that bad,” Yoongi tries to laugh awkwardly but even his own voice doesn’t convince himself.
Namjoon snorts. “You do know that your job doesn’t require you to completely forget about yourself, right?”
“So what? I like being ahead with my work and if I finish early I can already start on the new things and –“
“You can’t use your work to not be confronted with your obvious problems,” Namjoon interrupts him and no – he’s using that voice again. The voice that always makes Yoongi feel guilty and somehow makes him agree to whatever Namjoon wants him to do right now. Ugh. He hates that. The voice of a mom-friend. “I think you need a private life,” Namjoon says with the straightest face in existence.
It only leaves Yoongi staring at him blankly. “What?”
“A private life – the one everyone has. You know, going home, taking time for yourself and so on. Meeting people, going out, social interaction,” Namjoon deadpans.
It’s not like Yoongi doesn’t know what a fucking private life is – he just doesn’t freaking get why he needs one? He has friends – well, he has Namjoon and his boyfriend who he occasionally hangs out with. When he’s home he takes a lot of time for himself and sleeps for how long he wants to. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t need a social life. He has his work, he has Namjoon and Seokjin, he has sleep – what more is there to need?
“And why exactly should I do that? Go home and just spend my time there alone? It’s not like I have anyone to keep me company – don’t tell me you will spend all that time with me because I know you’re busy with your own job and your boyfriend.” Yoongi shakes his head. He turns back around in his chair and opens his recently saved tracks again. This conversation is about to be over, whether Namjoon wants it or not because Yoongi is not having it anymore. “I don’t need a private life – I have enough of it whenever we meet.”
“Yoongi…” Oh fuck. He’s dropping the honorifics. That’s a bad sign. Yoongi bites his bottom lip, staring straight ahead as he ignores the guilt building in his chest and squeezing his heart tightly. Namjoon’s soft voice punches him harder in the gut than his angry one ever could – especially because he seems to always know what’s going on with him. Even before Yoongi knows it himself.
“Yoongi, are you not feeling good, again?”
“Just because I’ve been working a lot this week doesn’t mean that everything got worse again,” Yoongi tries to deny it but he knows the other is right. Knows that every time he starts feeling worse again work is the only thing he focuses on just so he could distract himself from the sadness in his chest. From the numbness in his stomach and the terror in his mind. “I’m completely fine. I don’t understand why you won’t accept that.”
“And now again – without lying,” Namjoon demands. He always knows.
Yoongi stops, freezing momentarily. His hands hover over the keys as the tracks on the screen start to swim in front of his eyes. Blood is rushing in his ears and it gets harder and harder for him to draw in a real breath. It feels as if a hand is around his throat, squeezing tightly and hindering him to breathe. “I’m dreaming again…” He forces out, biting his bottom lip until it tastes metallic. Like blood.
“Yoongi…” Namjoon’s voice is soft, almost soft enough to break through the rising panic in Yoongi’s head. “Are you taking your pills?”
“I do but… Not all the time… I forget them a lot…”
He knows that’s bad. He knows he needs to take those pills but sometimes they slip his mind. Sometimes he forgets what day it is, forgets if he took the pills already or not, forgets to take them at all because he hasn’t realized it’s time for them already. He sighs, dropping his head in his hands as he feels the telltale burning behind his eyelids. “You’re right… I’m not feeling good. Not at all.”
There’s a hand on his shoulder suddenly squeezing a bit and Yoongi hasn’t even realized how much he’s been longing for physical contact until now. There’s not even skin to skin contact but he already feels euphoric from the simplest touch on his shoulder. “Maybe you should take a break – you said it yourself, you’re way ahead with producing, you can take a few days off without a problem,” Namjoon mumbles but he doesn’t understand.
No one ever understands. No one ever understands how important this job is for Yoongi. How much it does for him to keep his own sanity. Being hired as a producer at a big music company is the best thing that ever happened to Yoongi because it’s the only thing he could look forward to, the only thing he could focus on when his mind gets too much to handle. Without music, he is nothing because it’s the only thing saving him from the dark thoughts clouding his head all the time.
Depression. Anxiety. Insomnia. All of that gets worse whenever he stops doing music. Everything gets worse when he stops focusing his whole attention on one thing to not start overthinking about every other little thing in his life. There’s nothing worse than laying in his bed, alone and being a victim to his own mind.
“And lie in bed all day with just my own shitty mind to keep me company?” He asks, voice watery as he tries to swallow the oncoming tears. “Do you want me to depress myself further?” His small attempt at a joke doesn’t even make himself smile, doesn’t even do enough for him to pretend to smile.
“Maybe you could go out and meet new people, go to a café, to the park – anywhere,” Namjoon tries to convince him to do anything else than lock himself up in the small studio. But all of his suggestions are ridiculous – at least for Yoongi.
“Are you hearing yourself talk right now? That doesn’t sound like me at all. It’s not like I’m just going to walk up to someone and talk with them and no one is going to approach me,” Yoongi says.
A deep sigh falls off Namjoon’s lips as he shakes his head, dragging his hands down his face before turning Yoongi’s chair around to stare him right in the eyes. “Okay listen – When Seokjin told me about it I thought it was ridiculous but now I think it could actually work,” He hesitates, biting his lip before he says the most ridiculous thing Yoongi has ever heard, “Sign up on a dating site.”
What. The. Fuck.
Yoongi blinks, eyes searching for any sign on the younger’s face that he’s joking at the moment. Because seriously, this can’t be his big solution to everything. Yoongi is a workaholic, he is small, grumpy, he doesn’t even like himself – how the fuck would anyone else like him? And how is that supposed to help him in his situation?
A little belated he starts to laugh – very awkwardly, trailing off when Namjoon doesn’t start to laugh along. “Are you serious?” Yoongi can’t believe him. “Why the fuck would dating help me?”
“You can get to know someone before meeting them, you get social interaction, you can easily sort out people you don’t like and look for your preferences. It’s easy and simple. And I think that – I think that it would be a good idea for you to have someone else in your life as well. Apart from me and Jin. And if it doesn’t work out with someone you can at least maybe make a new friend?” Namjoon sounds a little desperate as he lists all the reasons he probably wrote down beforehand to convince him of his idea.
“I – Namjoon,” Yoongi cuts himself off. It’s not like he has any idea what he’s supposed to say to this. Dating. A dating site. The last time Yoongi went on a date was in high school and that wasn’t even a real date – it was a prank. Well, back then he cried and swore to never go on a date again and luckily no one ever asked him out again.
“Please just – consider it. I’ll send you the name of the website, okay?”
Yoongi wants to argue. He wants to argue with Namjoon because he doesn’t need to go on dates, he doesn’t need to meet new people, he doesn’t need to make new friends but he’s also tired. He’s tired of arguing and knowing that in the end, Namjoon is going to convince him either way. No matter how hard Yoongi tries to resist – Namjoon always wins in the end.
“Look at it from the positive side.”
What fucking positive side?! Is what Yoongi wants to say but it isn’t what does leave his mouth in the end. He is not in the mood to argue or to let his annoyance out on Namjoon. “Which is?”
“You most likely will get sex out of it,” Namjoon explains with a wink. “Most definitely. People go there to get to know each other for three dates and then they decide if they’ll sleep with each other on the third date or not. And honestly – I think blowing off some steam would be good for you.”
Yoongi positively chokes on air – doesn’t really understand why because he never believed he could choke on air – and is about to retort something about inappropriateness when he realizes two things. The first is that Namjoon is right – for once. He hasn’t gotten laid in so long and having sex is a better kind of distraction than starving himself in his studio. Blowing off steam is something that he can understand. And the second thing he realizes is that as soon as he would agree to this idea – even if he never ends up actually going on a date with someone Namjoon will get off his back for a little while.
All in all, it should look like a win-win situation for him. That’s why he agrees in the end.
“Okay.”
-o-
On another thought dating sites aren’t really that great.
Even though this one seems different than the one’s Yoongi heard about before. The first time he opened the app a message popped up to confront him with the suggested ‘guidelines’ of the app.
We want to be a serious dating app and advise our participants to get to know their partner. We don’t want to be just a hookup app so maybe consider going on at least two dates before doing anything more. Like always, this is just a suggestion but our app wants to be taken seriously and create an atmosphere without the pressure of sex on the first date. If you’re looking for a casual hookup then this is the wrong account to make.
Yoongi had the app for two days already and went through a lot of profiles which all kind of resemble each other. He doesn’t know how many times he read about a tall, handsome guy who likes books and is a beast in the sheets. Really – that’s what they write there in their bios. Like – do they think someone might be interested in them if they sell themselves like that?
It feels good to have the purpose of the app in the back of his mind whenever he looks at another profile. Yes, he wants to get sex out of this but at the same time, he doesn’t want to feel pressured to have sex on the first date or having to run through the argument of having to deny someone from sleeping with him on the first date. The more he thought about Namjoon’s suggestion, the more his mind started supplying him with ideas about actually finding someone who might be interested in him. It’s not like Yoongi has never been interested in someone, he just never had someone be interested in him. And even though he tries to deny it but looking at Namjoon and Seokjin he just longs to have someone like that as well.
Someone who is there for him. Someone who is sending him cute texts, who hugs him, who tells him that he likes him, finds him… pretty. Yoongi wishes for someone to love him. As much as he tries to hide that fact. He wants someone to love him even though he doesn’t really believe that this could be possible.
He sighs. It feels a little weird to be in his own bed, the sheets soft and warm around him. The only light in his bedroom comes from the lit screen of his phone. In the top corner, the time is displayed. Two in the morning. He should be sleeping right now. But he can’t. He actually tried since midnight but if he couldn’t fall asleep he could just as well check the damn app again.
His thumb is swiping over more shirtless pictures all the time when he suddenly freezes. If his reaction would have been a second later the profile of the guy would be gone. It’s different than the profiles he looked at before. With a hesitating finger, he clicks on the profile and a gasp tumbles from his lips.
The guy looks… cute. His eyes are crinkled in crescents, lips pulled into a wide boxy smile exposing pearly white teeth, his cheeks are rosy and the face of the most adorable puppy in the whole world is squished right next to him. He swipes to see the other pictures. Okay – the guy is not only cute but also hot.
His hair color is different in the next picture, fiery red, hooded eyes with a hint of golden glitter at the edges, his skin a tan caramel tone and his lips pulled into a smirk. Yoongi scans the guy’s bio – almost doing a double take when he reads the age.
Kim Taehyung, 25
I’m looking for someone with a genuine heart, a love for art, dogs, and music and who isn’t here for a one night stand. Just send me a message if you’re interested!
The guy looks either much younger or older than twenty-five. Yoongi doesn’t really get it but when he makes a cute expression he looks like he’s about twenty but the second his face takes on a seductive expression he suddenly starts looking mature, maybe about Yoongi’s age and not two years younger than him.
There’s no way that someone as beautiful as him would go on a date with someone like Yoongi. He remembers the pictures he put on his profile. One was of him in his studio, only his back visible. Another one is over a year old, taken during a short trip he took with Namjoon to Jeju. The third one is a more recent selfie. Yoongi tried to look good but he hates looking at himself in pictures – he just doesn’t feel like he’s photogenic. Every time he stares at a photo of himself he finds something he doesn’t like.
His nose looks too big, his eyes too much like slits, his lips are pulled up weird or his whole expression is just off. He hates taking pictures of himself and he hates it if other people take pictures of him. But the guy – Taehyung seems to love the camera. Every single selfie he has uploaded to his profile looks actually perfect. They’re all either cute or hot.
Yoongi can’t believe a guy like him would need to be on an app like this. He must have guys and girls at his feet all the time. This can’t be real.
“A catfish,” Yoongi mumbles to himself, finger hovering over the icon to send a heart to the person – indicating his interest. “This is most definitely a catfish…”
Even though the guy’s profile does look like a catfish this is the first time Yoongi is interested in one of the people on this app. This is the first time someone really caught his eyes and he couldn’t resist. A small part of his brain wants to believe that this is not a catfish and the guy actually looks like this.
“Won’t hurt… right?” Before he could overthink this further he taps on the heart and quickly exits the other’s profile. His heart is pounding fast in his chest, adrenaline level increasing just from sending this stupid heart to the profile of Taehyung.
He considers logging off for tonight but after this, he definitely feels more awake than before. A little aimlessly he continues swiping through other profiles to try and get his mind off Taehyung and his annoyingly cute selfies. It doesn’t take longer than fifteen minutes when his phone suddenly dings. Someone sent him a heart.
With bated breath, he clicks on the notification and his stomach immediately does a somersault. Heartbeat going haywire as he couldn’t believe what he’s reading at the moment. It’s Taehyung. Taehyung sent him a heart back. He considers that this could all be a dream or some kind of hallucination because of his lack of sleep but then another notification lights up his screen.
It’s a message.
A direct message from Taehyung.
At two in the morning.
Yoongi gulps, hand trembling a little as he opens the chat. There it is. One message. The grey bubble glaring at him, almost mockingly. As if it’s asking him if he’s sure he’s not imagining this because someone like Taehyung would definitely not want to message someone like him.
Kim Taehyung
You’re cute
He knows what kind of pictures he uploaded to his profile and in his eyes, none of these would classify him as ‘cute’. How Taehyung even dares to call him cute while looking like that is something he doesn’t understand at all.
His fingers hover over his own keyboard, hesitant as he ponders over the message. If this is a dream there’s nothing wrong with answering. If this is real then… this is definitely a catfish. Before he could register it he’s already typing and the message is sent without him actually thinking about it.
Me
Are you a catfish?
He winces at his own question. Heart pounding somewhere in his throat as he worries about the fact that Taehyung might be offended because of this. Maybe it’s really not a catfish? This was stupid. Even if it was a catfish then they would probably not tell him that they are a catfish, right? Who would even do that?
Before he could worry even further and consider jumping out of the window to not have to feel the embarrassment eating at himself anymore there are three points appearing in the bottom of the chat. Taehyung is typing. Oh god. Yoongi bites his lip, his mind supplying him with various bad responses to his message but what comes instead is something he hasn’t expected.
Taehyung
Are you?
A chuckle leaves his lips as his cheeks heat up. Does this already count as flirting? Is this the start of flirting? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a lot of experience when it comes to things like this but it doesn’t seem like Taehyung has been offended by his message. That’s the only important thing right now.
A little flustered he types a new message. God, he resists the urge to giggle because how is it possible that two simple messages from a probably very hot guy who is implying that Yoongi could be a catfish based on his pictures – which would imply that he’s pretty, right? – could leave him this flustered already? It’s weird. It’s a weird and foreign feeling and Yoongi isn’t sure yet how to handle it.
Me
I’m serious!
The three dots almost appear instantly again.
Taehyung
I’m not a catfish. I’m Taehyung ^^
Yoongi needs to take a deep breath. Okay, this is happening. Introductions and all even though they already know each other’s name from their profiles. He sits up in his bed, scooting back a little to rest against the headboard. Should he call Namjoon? The other is probably sleeping. He doesn’t have a fucked up sleep schedule like Yoongi.
But he really wants to call Namjoon. Or Seokjin. Either of them. Someone who knows how to hold a casual conversation with a guy that looks like a literal model and called him cute on a dating app. Because Yoongi literally has no idea what to do, what to reply to the other.
Me
I’m Yoongi.
Oh god. The period at the end of the sentence was too much, right? It seems cold. Like Yoongi doesn’t really want to have a conversation when it’s quite the opposite. He just has no idea how to have a conversation at all. Especially not with pretty guys like Taehyung who could potentially still be a catfish.
Ah, he should have written something else. Even though Taehyung also introduced himself again Yoongi feels like he shouldn’t have written his name once again. It’s weird, right? Should he have used an emoji? But he never uses them though. But it would look more friendly, right? Like he’s a little more interested? Maybe he should just leave right now, delete the app, delete his life and himself right after because the embarrassment is literally going to kill –
Taehyung
That’s a pretty name ^^
Okay, never-fucking-mind apparently. His name is cute. No one ever said that to him. His face is burning right now and he’s so glad that no one is here to witness his absolutely batshit crazy behavior and reactions to Taehyung’s simple messages.
With a deep breath, he reminds himself why he’s here. Taehyung said he looked cute, he said his name was cute and that must be a good sign, right? It has to be. So, because he said that and because this is a dating app they need to get down to the ‘date’ part. And Yoongi better gets it over with before he overthinks once again.
He stares at the message for an unhealthy amount of time before finally hitting send and immediately closing his eyes after. Now that he sent it, it doesn’t look as good as it did before. Oh my god – he wishes he could take it back, unsend the damn message or somehow cause an internet breakdown all over the world forever so that Taehyung would never get his message in the first place.
Me
Would you maybe go out with me? Some time?
He sounds desperate. Why did he think this was a good idea? But – this is a dating app. They’re supposed to go out. But maybe Taehyung messaged him for a different reason – though Yoongi couldn’t think of one right now, but there’s definitely one somewhere out there.
Taehyung
I would love to ^^
Apparently, no matter how awkward he formulates his messages, it’s still not enough to scare Taehyung off. He would love to go out with Yoongi. Love. Love! This time a squeal actually leaves his lips and he starts typing immediately – not really thinking about what he types because he’s already so excited about really meeting Taehyung.
A catfish wouldn’t agree to meet so easily, right? Except… Except if it was a prank. Maybe he’s not going to show up, standing Yoongi up and leaving him waiting somewhere. Or maybe he’s a serial killer and is going to murder Yoongi when they meet? His paranoia almost makes him delete the whole message again but in the end, he hits send despite that.
Me
That’s great. I’ll only meet in a public space, though.
To make sure you’re not actually catfishing me
He hesitates before adding the last message.
Me
You look way too pretty to be interested in a person like me
The self-consciousness bleeding into his message may have been too much. It’s not like Taehyung would care, right? Yoongi shakes his head. He can’t do that anymore, right now. He should go to sleep.
The message will still be there tomorrow morning, right? Taehyung would still be there tomorrow morning, right? He will probably just assume that Yoongi fell asleep because after all, it is two in the morning and people should be asleep at this time. It’s not a big deal, right?
Before he could decide though, a new message lights up the screen of his phone and Yoongi couldn’t resist but click on it.
Taehyung
Maybe you should see yourself from a different perspective then.
Do you want to exchange numbers or should we communicate through the app?
Look at himself from a different perspective? Every time Yoongi would look at himself in the mirror he doesn’t find anything beautiful on his face. Not anymore. He used to see something pretty in himself but now it’s only old acne scars from his teenage years, a round nose too big for his face, small eyes, chapped lips and round cheeks. He doesn’t see anything attractive about himself.
That’s the reason why he can’t fathom the idea that someone else would find him attractive.
Exchanging numbers is something entirely different. That feels way too – intimidate already. Is that the right word? Yoongi isn’t sure but he doesn’t feel that comfortable actually sharing his number this early on, without really meeting the other male before. But he also doesn’t want to offend him.
Me
We could maybe message through here and decide on exchanging numbers when we meet?
He hopes this doesn’t give Taehyung the impression that he’s not that interested in him because he is. So freaking interested.
Taehyung
Of course^^ So, how do you feel about coffee?
-o-
“You’re really not a catfish.”
As soon as the words leave Yoongi’s lips he feels a blush spreading over his cheeks. That wasn’t the best way to start a conversation, especially not when this is the first time he’s actually speaking with Taehyung.
It’s been a week since he sent him the first message and Yoongi has been stressing over this ‘date’ since they agreed to it. Six days and a few hours that he didn’t only worry about his music, his collaborations, the lyrics for the next comeback of the boy group he’s also writing for but also over this fucking date.
He hasn’t told Namjoon that he’s already meeting with someone and that he actually hasn’t been looking further for anyone else since he messaged Taehyung. Maybe he shouldn’t be so stuck on one person but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not when Taehyung seems to be so perfect – which should be a sign that he should be looking for other people because after their first date Taehyung would definitely realize that Yoongi is so much out of his league – and not in a too good kind of way – that they don’t even play the same sport.
Taehyung is like the undefeated winner of the football league while Yoongi is somewhere in the small leagues of the chess club. That’s how far apart they are. Taehyung is a star lighting up the whole universe while Yoongi is a black hole swallowing all the light.
The café Yoongi chose for them to meet up is a small and cozy place. It’s not too far from the company building but also not too far away from his own apartment – it’s in perfect walking distance from both and that’s also why Yoongi loves coming here so much. Also because the coffee they make here is absolutely fantastic and he could actually drown himself in it happily. Furthermore, it’s small, not a lot of people visit the corner café and for someone like Yoongi, who prefers staying away from other people it’s the perfect place.
But back to reality. Yoongi is still awkwardly hovering in front of the small table Taehyung is already sitting at, two paper cups in front of him. Taehyung looks – even prettier in real life than he did on his pictures. His hair is a lighter brown right now, lips the same tint of pink as the jacket he wears over the crisp white dressing shirt. Under his chair sits the dog Yoongi has seen on one of the selfies, it seems to be sleeping. Eyes closed and its ears not even twitching from all the noise around it. Yoongi wishes he could be as unbothered as the dog.
Yoongi feels his heart skip a beat when Taehyung starts laughing at his statement of the other really not being a catfish. It’s like the younger still thinks the catfish thing is a joke and not a genuine worry that Yoongi fought with over the past few days.
“I’m not a catfish,” The younger says with a smile before gesturing towards the chair opposite of him. “Do you wanna sit down?”
Does he want to? Yoongi is actually not really sure. Since he woke up this morning all he could think about was how he would handle the situation if Taehyung turned out to be a catfish. Not once has he been giving a thought to the possibility that someone like Taehyung would actually be real. And that this real version of Kim Taehyung actually took a look at Yoongi’s very bad and unphotogenic pictures and thought to himself, yes, that’s the one I’m gonna call cute.
A scenario like that has never once happened in Yoongi’s mind and right now he’s actually not really sure how to act around Taehyung. He dressed comfortable for today, in a way that makes him feel comfortable and provides him with a sense of security while wandering into an unknown situation.
He pulls at the sleeves of his hoodie, fraying the ends even further as he gingerly moves the chair so he could sit down in front of Taehyung. His muscles are stiff. Arms, legs – everything suddenly feels too big, too long and Yoongi doesn’t know how to sit without looking absolutely awkward or constipated as hell.
“How are you?” Taehyung asks with his very smooth voice that sounds a little like warm caramel and Yoongi could almost taste it on his tongue. He loves caramel. Taehyung speaks with a voice like caramel and brown hair the color of the candy and Yoongi just knows that he wouldn’t last a second around the younger. His heart is already beating faster and he’s been here for five minutes top.
“Uhm,” Yoongi almost bites his tongue as he tries to answer. His cheeks instantly color a deep red and he drops his head to try and hide the blush from Taehyung. “I’m good. And you?”
At least his voice didn’t crack.
When Taehyung doesn’t say anything further and they’re borderlining on a pause that’s way too awkward for a conversation Yoongi risks a glance at the other. Taehyung is smiling at him, head cocked to the side as if he’s trying to analyze Yoongi.
“You’re a little awkward in person, right?” He eventually says and leans back in his chair.
For a second Yoongi’s whole body freezes and he gets the urge to just run away as fast and far away as possible from the other. How did he even think he could do this? How did Namjoon manage to convince him to actually sign up on the stupid date and actually go out with someone? Someone like Taehyung?
He gulps. With shaking fingers he turns the ring he always wears on his left hand, the sensation of the cool metal against his skin kind of calms his mind a little. At least a little. Before he could answer he has to draw in a deep breath. “You can tell?” His voice shakes a little and he knows he’s staring way too intensely at the pattern on the table in front of them for it to be normal, for Taehyung not to notice it – but he couldn’t help it.
Something to ground himself.
He wishes he could pinch himself a few times without Taehyung noticing but that would be impossible. The ring has to be enough this time.
“You’re cute,” Taehyung repeats what he already texted him but actually hearing it from his mouth, knowing that this is actually Taehyung and hearing his actual heavenly voice hits completely different than the text message.
It’s impossible to hide the blush spreading over his cheeks so Yoongi just ducks his head, pulling his hoodie up a bit to hide the lower part of his face. His heart is hammering crazily against his ribcage as, hands sweating as he couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down.
There’s something he needs to do. Something to divert the attention from him and back to Taehyung, back to anyone but himself. Because if he doesn’t then he might combust in the next few seconds.
“Do you have a job?” Yoongi blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind and it triggers another wave of soft laughter from Taehyung’s lips. At least he makes him smile. At least Taehyung hasn’t already just left him here because he saw Yoongi in person or realized how actually awkward he is in real life. At least there’s still a chance that Yoongi hasn’t ruined everything by now.
“Well, I do like paying rent, buying groceries and generally being able to buy something for myself and sometimes others,” Taehyung says with twinkling eyes and he doesn’t fail to make a small giggle fall from Yoongi’s lips.
“Jokes aside,” Taehyung leans back again as he starts talking about himself, “I’m an aspiring actor. What about you – your profile says that you’re a producer. Have you made anything that I may have heard of?”
That’s something Yoongi knows. Something he could easily talk about. Even though it’s a bit harder talking about what he did himself, there’s a reason he uses a pseudonym and rarely features on songs. The things he releases, his own songs are all released on SoundCloud only. He’s not looking for attention, he just wants to do what he loves and that’s music.
“Do you keep up with Kpop?” He asks, still avoiding looking Taehyung right into his eyes. The other’s gaze feels way too intimidating for him.
The excitement flashing over Taehyung’s face is childish but also – very adorable and Yoongi refrains himself from cooing at him. Who even coos at other people? Definitely not someone like Yoongi. He is not like that. He just doesn’t do things like that but Taehyung is just really looking very cute right now. “I’ll sing you the lyrics to the newest songs right now!”
Yoongi giggles at his excitement. The younger looks a bit like a puppy. Yoongi loves puppies. “I’m a producer at BigHit,” He says, a small but proud smile spreading over his lips. There's not a lot in his life that he's proud of but his job is one of the exceptions.
“Really?!” Taehyng seems to get easily excited because the boxy smile on his face just got wider. Yoongi winces a little at the other's exclamation - he's not too fond of loud noises.
“Do you work with their newest boy group?” The excitement spilling from Taehyung is almost enough to jump over to Yoongi but the elder takes a deep breath to calm down. He pinches the skin at his wrist, concentrating on the small sting so he wouldn't get lost in the weird warm feeling trying to overtake his body.
At his slight nod to confirm Taehyung's question the younger squeals again. The sound louder from before and Yoongi's hands twitch to cover his ears but he stops himself. That would be impolite. Namjoon talked to him about that before. Most people don't experience the world like him and so Yoongi sometimes has to conform to the majorities perception of ‘appropriate' and ‘normal’ behavior. And covering his ears when someone is speaking to him is considered rude – apparently even if they’re talking way too loud.
“I can't believe you work at BigHit as a producer – they really have the best producers because literally every song either of their artist's releases slaps,” Taehyung sighs with a dreamy expression on his face before suddenly leaning over the table. Yoongi flinches at the sudden closeness of the other.
“My favorite artist is from there! Do you know RM personally? Oh! And that producer that sometimes features but releases singles on SoundCloud? Suga? He doesn’t feature on a lot of songs but when he does it’s like – for me it’s an instant nut,” Taehyung rambles before suddenly stopping himself with a sheepish smile, “Sorry – must be awkward to talk about your colleagues like that, right?”
It’s weird. This is by far not the first time he hears compliments aimed at him. Even though none of his fans actually know what he looks like they leave a lot of positive messages on his Twitter. Yoongi likes hearing about people loving his music, especially when it's a song he also sings or raps on his own but that has never been the reason why he started doing music.
It's still a nice extra. So, he guesses he should be used at least a little to compliments like that but hearing those words come from someone like Taehyung is somehow entirely different than reading tweets about himself.
Yoongi couldn’t contain the wide smile on his lips that exposes his gums. He tries to hide it behind his hands as he stares down at the table and the cup of coffee in front of him. His cheeks feel like they caught on fire, he's blushing so hard that he's afraid his head is going to explode.
“Anyway – “ Taehyung starts talking again before Yoongi even has the chance to. “Do you also feature on songs?”
His giggles abruptly cut off at Taehyung's question. Should he tell him who he is? Usually, Yoongi doesn't do that. There's a reason that no one really knows what he looks like. He really values his privacy but at the same time, the wish to impress Taehyung is getting stronger inside of him. The other is an actor – someone who's definitely going to become more famous judging from the short internet search Yoongi did. If Yoongi wants to impress someone like him he has to hit him with something good.
Yoongi bites his lip, hesitating. Taehyung would probably understand that Yoongi doesn't want his identity spread… right? God, whatever. Anything for Taehyung to look at him with the same stars in his eyes that he had when talking about Suga.
“Uh – I released one of my own songs a month ago? But I’m not sure if you heard it…” Yoongi trails off, wincing at his own awkwardness.
“What is it?!”
Yoongi gulps, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down until they cover the tips of his fingers. Well, here goes nothing. “Uhm – First love…”
It takes Taehyung about two seconds to connect the dots. Yoongi could see the cogs turning behind his forehead and the way his mouth falls open and his eyes widen a bit once he realizes is hilarious. “You’re Suga!” The younger hisses excitedly.
“Yeah… kind of – “
“I love you.” It's the first time that Yoongi actually starts laughing – not giggling, not chuckling. Just straight out laughing so hard that his stomach actually starts hurting. He could even feel tears building in the corners of his eyes as he tries to comprehend Taehyung's sudden confession.
When he finally caught his breath again he stares at the younger with a gaze a little less afraid than before, a little more confident. “Don’t you think that’s a little early?”
The date with Taehyung went exceptionally great even after Yoongi has been convinced that he embarrassed himself a total of thousand times but not once has Taehyung seemed put off by his weird answers, his long pauses of silence and his reaction to his surroundings. Which, all in all, has left Yoongi quite surprised but he wouldn't complain.
It’s easy for him to start feeling comfortable in Taehyung's presence. Yoongi finds it hard to put his finger on it – but that's nothing new. Still, sitting with Taehyung in the café for hours feels like it's just been minutes. There's just something about Taehyung that makes him forget all his usual anxiety and insecurities.
Taehyung sits in front of him with those warm words, a calm aura, a velvet voice and a smile that makes warmth spread in Yoongi chest and his stomach swoop.
When they leave the café Taehyung takes him to a nearby park where they sit a little hidden from the other visitors in the shadow of a huge tree. Taehyung tells him all about his childhood, about growing up in the outskirts of Daegu between strawberries and a dream to one day act in the biggest movies out there.
It's easy listening to him. His voice has such a calm ring. Yoongi often finds it hard to concentrate on a conversation for a long time. His mind couldn't stay focused on the same thing for too long and the monotone sound of the same voice could get easily lost for him. But listening to Taehyung isn't hard, it isn't exhausting but exciting. Yoongi loves the way Taehyung seems to talk about everything with such a passion that it's almost envy-worthy.
It's nearing the late afternoon when they decide to leave the park. Yoongi couldn’t contain his blush and smile when Taehyung shyly asked him if it would be alright to hold his hand.
Normally, Yoongi rarely initiates physical contact with others. He's not particularly fond of other people touching him when he ‘s not close with them but the way Taehyung stood there, red cheeks, big eyes, and slight smile – Yoongi couldn't resist.
He'd been a little embarrassed for the way his hand trembled a little and must have been a little sweaty due to his nerves but Taehyung didn't comment on any of it. He only held his hand a little tighter when Yoongi's grip faltered.
Yoongi’s phone is one number richer and Taehyung doesn’t only seem to be someone who is talking a lot but also someone who is texting a lot. Since they met Yoongi is confronted with a string of texts at any time of the day. They range from a simple good morning or goodnight to random pictures of dogs Taehyung encountered to late night texts about his weird thoughts and ideas. Like starting an actual discussion with Yoongi whether there are bunnies living on the moon or not.
To be honest, even though Taehyung held his hand and told him he liked the date a lot, Yoongi hasn’t expected him to actually be interested in him. When he got home that evening the warmth in his chest has quickly dropped to a tight chill because he’s been sure that Taehyung was just too nice to reject him like that. Too nice to tell Yoongi outright. But the second he started letting these doubts get to him the first message of Taehyung arrived at his phone.
Taehyung
Did you get home safely? ;D
Yoongi has stared at his phone a little dumbfounded before typing his answer.
Me
You walked me to the door?
Taehyung
You’re funny ^^
So… about that second date…
When are you free again?
It should feel overwhelming for Yoongi, having someone this interested in him. He is used to people not wanting to get close to him because he’s ‘weird’, too introverted. He’s used to not having someone text him or get tired of him because he isn’t the best when it comes to social interactions, especially texting back. It overwhelms him easily, work stresses him out and he forgets to reply. People get tired of him.
Taehyung doesn’t.
They meet the next week again and Taehyung takes him to a small amusement park in the outskirts of Seoul. Yoongi has been skeptical before because he was sure there would be a lot of people around – and there were but the second Taehyung held his hand Yoongi could forget everyone else around him. The park hasn’t been packed and he had a lot of fun.
As a kid, Yoongi rarely went to amusement parks. Going alone wasn’t fun and all those flashing lights, loud music, and many people have made him nervous, anxious. Now that he’s an adult it’s a bit easier for him but he’s thankful for Taehyung’s attentiveness and that the younger seemed to notice the second he got uncomfortable. He took him to the side, to a more quieter side of the park and helped him calm down.
Also talking has been easy with him. Taehyung could draw more words than usual out of Yoongi and he found himself already opening up a bit about his – his condition. Taehyung has listened attentively, eyes interested and focused on Yoongi all the time. Yoongi isn’t completely sure why he did that – after all, this is only the second time they met and Yoongi thinks it’s still very much possible that Taehyung would leave again after the third day and the sex.
But Yoongi doesn’t want to think about that right now. He just wants to think about Taehyung’s hand around his as they sit in a small rollercoaster with the wind rushing through their hair.
Their second date left his chest tingling just as warm as the first one did. Taehyung bought him pink cotton candy shaped like a heart and blushed even darker than on their first date when he asked to kiss him on top of the Ferris wheel. It wasn’t the first time Yoongi has been kissed. He’s kissed a few people in his life, slept with a few people in his life but he never did it really because he liked them that much. He did it because he craved human touch, craved warmth, craved arms around him, hands on his skin and the feeling of being cared for.
The kiss he shared with Taehyung was different. It left his heart beating crazily, left his lungs without air and his stomach filled with butterflies. Electricity seemed to run through his veins and he couldn’t stop thinking about the soft feeling of the other’s lips on his, couldn’t forget the way Taehyung cradled his face so gently and spoke against his lips with such a soft whisper.
”I think I might like you a lot.”
Yoongi is sure he likes the other too but does he like him like that? Does Taehyung like him like that? Yoongi has a hard time figuring these questions out but he got a kind of answer on their third date.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, you know. Just because the app suggests those three dates doesn’t mean we have to do it on the third one if you don’t want to,” Taehyung said after they left the cinema. He held Yoongi’s hand as they stood in front of the elder’s apartment.
Yoongi likes rules. Rules give your life a shape, they give it a goal, a purpose and Yoongi likes having rules for almost everything. There’s just something about the control it gives him that makes his day a lot easier for him. And the app had a kind of ‘rule.’ Sleep with each other on the third date.
Of course, Yoongi knows that he doesn’t have to but he wants to. Doesn’t Taehyung want to? Is it time to let go of him already? Did he not want to sleep with him? Because Yoongi would understand that. Really. He doesn’t look at himself and sees someone attractive while Taehyung – Taehyung is the most perfect human on the whole planet. In comparison, Yoongi feels like a trash can.
His hands trembled as he held onto Taehyung, words stuck somewhere in his throat and tears building in his eyes because he doesn’t want to let the other go. It feels selfish, wanting to keep someone as perfect as Taehyung for himself but Yoongi could be selfish for once. Instead of, trying to force the words that got stuck over his tongue he had just leaned up and kissed the other straight on the lips.
A bold move, he has to admit that now and doesn’t really understand where the sudden confidence came from but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t because Taehyung kissed him back just a second later and came up into his apartment. The way he handled him has also been so very different from every single hook up Yoongi ever had before.
Taehyung held him with careful hands as if he’s been afraid to break him if he touched him too hard. He trailed fingers over his naked skin as if he mapped a masterpiece, left feathery kisses on everything Yoongi tried to hide from view because of his insecurities – the small tummy he had, his skinny thighs, his collarbones that have always stood out a bit more, his knobby knees. Taehyung didn’t sleep with him – maybe Yoongi finally understood the term ‘making love.’ Because that’s definitely what Taehyung did to him.
He pressed praises into his skin and always made sure that he was comfortable and when they laid in each other’s arms, naked, legs entangled, Taehyung asked if he could stay the night. When Yoongi woke up in the morning to the sound of quiet snores and arms wrapped around his middle it has been the first time he didn’t feel cold. The first time he woke up in his own apartment without it feeling empty. All because Taehyung was there.
And even though Taehyung asked him to go out more, asked him to be exclusive – Yoongi couldn’t let go of his insecurities. It was too hard. And it’s so easy to fall victim to the voice inside of his head because Taehyung is well, Taehyung. The younger is attractive, out of his league attractive. He’s very social, on his Instagram Yoongi always finds photos of different places and different people. It seems like Taehyung also doesn’t like posting his own face because he’s not in any picture but his friends are. All of them. And there’s a lot.
Yoongi couldn’t help but feel insecure, feel like he’s not enough for the other. Not giving him enough, not being enough because he’s so different from him. Nothing helps. Not the fact that Taehyung reassures him all the time or that he keeps texting him, no matter if Yoongi answers or not – the elder is sure the day would come where Taehyung would get tired of him but he still couldn’t bring himself to do something against that.
There’s a full-length mirror in Yoongi’s bedroom. Since he got together with Taehyung he finds himself often standing in front of it, looking at his own body. He never felt that comfortable in his own skin. Not even as a kid. He had been very small, thin limbs and pale skin. He was weak, an easy target and socially far behind every other kid.
But even as an adult he couldn’t really find that much attractiveness in his own body, how Taehyung could is still a mystery to him. Yoongi doesn’t think he’s pretty – his body is small and frail. Skinny legs and thighs, knobby knees, hands, and feet being a bit big for his body. His skin always has a slight sickly pale color. His hair is dry and he needs to get a cut soon, there’s a little stubble on his face because he often forgets to shave. His nails are bitten down because he’s always chewing on them if he gets nervous or anxious – which is almost all the time.
He watches himself in front of the mirror, gaze trailing over his naked body and he doesn’t understand what Taehyung sees in him. When he looks at the younger all he sees is perfection. A beautiful smile, kind eyes, a symmetric face, broad shoulders, and tan skin. Yoongi could fill the pages of every book about Taehyung. It might be selfish – but Yoongi wants to keep the younger close to him. Wants to have him by his side all the time because Taehyung makes him feel things he never felt before. And even though Yoongi doesn’t like new things or changes – Taehyung is something that he can accept in his life without remorse.
-o-
"Coffee?"
Yoongi flinches. He needs to change the password of his door if he doesn’t want Namjoon to give him a heart attack one day. “Hey Joon,” He greets the smiling male who sets a paper cup of his favorite coffee shop down beside him.
It’s the same café he went to with Taehyung. A smile involuntarily breaks out on his lips as he thinks about the younger. And once again that warm feeling spreads through his chest. Taehyung and he have been meeting up a few times again since that night they slept together and every time Yoongi’s phone lights up with a message he just knows it’s Taehyung and there are butterflies running wild in his stomach.
Namjoon settles on the couch behind him. “What are you working on?”
“Uhm – at the moment nothing – I don’t really know,” Yoongi replies a little belated. His gaze jumps over the track he’s been staring at for the past hour or so. It’s unusual for him to feel like this. For years now music has been the only thing on his mind and his work has been more important than anything but now there’s Taehyung in the picture. There is Taehyung and the younger takes up a great portion of Yoongi’s mind every time of the day. That doesn’t mean he’s stopped working – he just stopped working excessively as he did before. He’s still ahead of his schedule but he doesn’t stress himself that much anymore.
“Well, you’ve been busy, right?” Namjoon asks a little confused and ah. Yoongi knew that there’s something he forgot to do. Something that he should have done a little earlier.
“Yeah…” Yoongi flexes his hands, running them up and down his own thighs. It’s just Namjoon and it’s something good he wants to tell him. So, why is he so nervous? “I think I have a boyfriend?”
The second the words fall from his lips he squeezes his eyes shut, waiting for Namjoon’s reaction which doesn’t take long. What comes out of his mouth sounds a lot like an inhuman screech and Yoongi winces, hands flying to cover his ears.
“You think?!”
“I mean I do – I have a boyfriend,” Yoongi replies, slowly lowering his hands again as he turns around in his chair to look at Namjoon. The expression on the other’s face is hilarious. There’s coffee dripping down his chin, his eyes are wide, mouth hanging open and he splutters to find the right words to say.
“Bitch – Why wasn’t I informed immediately?” Yoongi winces again and Namjoon finally lowers his voice again. “Show me a picture of him now.”
Yoongi halts. A picture. He doesn’t have a picture of Taehyung. The younger took a lot of pictures of him but Yoongi never photographed him. It would be easy to find a photo of the younger on the internet, he might be a rather unknown actor but he’s still an actor who also modeled before. But he doesn’t want Namjoon to see right away that Taehyung is so much out of his league.
He could show him the selfies Taehyung uploaded to the dating app. To be honest, Yoongi has been on the app countless times by now, just staring at the photos Taehyung uploaded. He could show him these. “Uhm – He doesn’t have a profile pic on his contact but I can show you his profile on the app?”
“Hurry,” Namjoon excitedly says, getting up from the couch to crowd behind Yoongi and catch a glance of his phone screen.
Yoongi self-consciously opens the app and looks for Taehyung’s profile. He decides to show Namjoon the selfie with Taehyung’s dog. Yeontan. Yoongi likes Yeontan and his funny eyebrows. “Uhm – This is Taehyung.” Yoongi tilts the phone so that Namjoon could look at it too.
“Holy shit,” Namjoon exclaims and takes the phone out of his hand in his excitement. Yoongi is sure that the last time he saw the other this excited was when Seokjin agreed to go on a date with him. “He’s so pretty! Hyung, what the fuck? How?”
That’s not how Namjoon means it. Yoongi knows that but he still winces and turns away from the younger, afraid he would catch the sudden change of his expression. It’s true. Even Namjoon could easily see that Yoongi is not someone who just ends up with someone like Taehyung. That’s just not how things work. Not when Taehyung is so far out of his reach, so far out of his league that no one would really believe it if Yoongi told them that they were a – couple.
Sadly, he spent most of his life with Namjoon and the younger could easily read him by now after sticking with him for all those years. “I didn’t mean it like that…” His voice has gotten significantly softer as he kneels in front of Yoongi, reaching out to hold his hands and it helps. A little. Just a little.
“I know… but it’s true, right? How did Taehyung end up with someone like me?” Yoongi squeezes the other’s hands. They’re a solid thing in the mess that his mind is slowly becoming. With a deep breath, he grounds himself again and faces Namjoon’s pity filled gaze. That’s right. Pity. Is Taehyung in this just for pity as well? No – No, the younger is genuine. Yoongi believes that, he knows that but he couldn’t shut the small voice in the back of his head up.
“Hyung…”
Yoongi closes his eyes, draws in another deep breath and collects his thoughts. There’s is no use thinking like that. It would just hurt him even though Taehyung has never given him any reason to think like that. He likes him. He likes him a lot. Yoongi tries to remember all the times the younger told him that the past times they were together and over text. Just this morning he told him on the phone. He shouldn’t start doubting everything every chance he gets.
“I wanted to stop thinking about that,” Yoongi whispers and squeezes the other’s hands again, “Taehyung says he likes me. Like, all of me. And I believe him.”
“He sounds wonderful,” Namjoon says softly and runs his thumb over the back of Yoongi’s hand. The elder smiles at the action and the heaviness in his chest fades a bit, the sickness in his stomach decreases and he could feel the warmth engulfing him again. That’s right. Taehyung is wonderful. “You deserve him, okay? Did you talk with him about your insecurities and – so on?”
“Yeah…” Yoongi nods, remembering the day he spent talking with Taehyung on the other’s comfy couch and Yeontan in his lap. It was hard – opening up like that to someone who isn’t Namjoon but Taehyung made him feel safe, made him feel understood. “He was very understanding and tries to make everything as easy and comfortable for me as possible.”
“That’s perfect.”
“Yeah…” Yoongi nods, mind wandering a bit. All of that is true. Taehyung is basically an angel sent from heaven so why… god, why does he settle for someone with as much baggage as Yoongi? What has he ever done to deserve someone as perfect as Taehyung?
As if the younger could sense his thoughts – which Yoongi sometimes believes he does – his phone chimes with a new message. Both, Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s, gazes fall onto the lit up screen and read over the new message with an attached photo.
Tae
Saw this plushie and it reminded me of you^^
[Attachment: Picture]
Yoongi smiles. His heart beats a little faster as he stares the picture of a cute cat plushie. Taehyung often sends messages like that and it always lightens Yoongi’s mood, always makes him forget about his insecurities for a while. Taehyung is absolutely perfect and beautiful and deserves the whole world and he is thinking of him, all the time.
That’s nice.
A very nice feeling blooming in his chest that Yoongi doesn’t want to let go yet.
-o-
Their relationship progresses over the next weeks which turn into months and when summer is over Taehyung is leaving Seoul.
Not forever. Of course not. He’s leaving because he’s been cast for the biggest role of his career yet and the set is outside of Seoul. Of course, Yoongi is happy for him but at the same time, he’s sad. So sad because this means being away from Taehyung for quite some time. But the younger promised him to text him every day and call as much as possible and he held that promise the first three weeks too but after that things began to chance.
And Yoongi didn’t like it. Not at all but he couldn’t bring himself to do something against it.
Yoongi knows that Taehyung is busy. He knows that being an actor that is just starting to make it big isn’t something that comes with a lot of free time but his message has been left unread for the past week. It leaves his heart heavy in his chest and his mind wandering into territories that it shouldn’t wander into. He should trust Taehyung. They really like each other, right? They’re official boyfriends and that should mean something, right?
But despite all of that Yoongi couldn’t help but let the insecurities gnawn at him.
That is nothing new, though. Yoongi has been dealing with insecurities heightening his anxiety since forever but this time it’s different. This time it affects him and Taehyung. The only person that ever openly showed interest in him. The only person that ever held him so cautious, with so much love in their eyes – as if he would break if he would hold onto tighter.
It’s been months since they got together and Yoongi really enjoyed the time they spent together but this is the first time that they’ve been apart for so long. With Taehyung’s filming schedule for his first bigger role demanding him to be on the other side of South Korea Yoongi has been left all alone in Seoul. All alone with his thousand insecurities because over the past weeks that Taehyung has already been gone the younger’s messages have reduced, their calls have been shorter each and every time and they haven’t facetimed in so long. Yoongi just wants to hear the other’s voice, just wants to see his face without having to look at the same three pictures the younger uploaded to the dating app.
He could have asked for different pictures, for selfies or looked at the ones posted online. Model pictures of Taehyung. But the longer he stares at those, the more insecure he gets. The more reasons his mind comes up with that Taehyung is too good for him. Too good to be true. Just too perfect to like someone like Yoongi.
Someone like him.
That’s what he heard all of his life. The kids at his school said that they wouldn’t want to be friends with ‘someone like him.’ They said they didn’t want ‘someone like him’ on the team, in their group projects or sitting with them at their tables. The parents of the kids around him didn’t want to have ‘someone like him’ playing with their kids, didn’t want ‘someone like him’ being their own kid.
Someone like him.
Who even is someone like him? Someone who is maybe more introverted. Maybe doesn’t really understand the feelings of others well. Yoongi has always a hard time reading other people, always had a hard time figuring out what they were feeling even when most people told them it was obvious – feelings have never been easy for Yoongi.
For someone like him. Someone who didn’t do well in social situations, who liked to keep to himself, to a routine, to a schedule. Someone like him is not the right person for someone like Taehyung.
And of course, there’s the issue with Taehyung being online. Online on the dating app. It was a few times now that Yoongi went to visit Taehyung’s profile only to see that he’s been online the day before or just a few hours prior. He doesn’t know what to think of it. For all he knows Taehyung could be going online for the same reasons as him, only that it wouldn’t make much sense considering he must have tons of photos of Yoongi on his phone by now.
It’s not like he doesn’t trust the younger… It’s just that he couldn’t come up with a reason that would make sense of Taehyung’s behavior. And thinking about the possibility that Taehyung is chatting with other’s is just too painful to think about so Yoongi tries to ignore it. Tries to forget about it but today everything seemed to break out of him at once.
Yoongi didn’t have a good day. Normally, his music is always cheering him up because it’s one of the only things he’s good at, excels at. It’s not common that a song of him gets rejected – that a song of him is not approved because it’s not good enough.
It is definitely not the first time the company has rejected a song of his but the reasoning – The reasoning is what bugs him the most. Not good enough. The sound is off. The beat doesn’t fit. The lyrics don’t hit you. It is not good enough which means it’s bad. And Yoongi almost never makes bad songs. He makes songs that might not fit the concept the group wants to portray in their next comeback. He makes songs that just can’t be sung by all members of a group because it’s more fitted for a subunit. He makes songs that don’t fit the overall image of the group. He makes songs that need to be pushed back. He makes songs that have to be almost completely changed again.
Those are the rejection reasons for him – not a song that just isn’t good enough. That has been the last straw for him.
Yoongi came home today after spending the last few days locked in his studio to finish the song that got rejected – not pushed back, not given to another producer to work it over once again, not given back to him to change it up – straight up rejected. It wasn’t a ‘yeah, work on it some more because it isn’t good enough yet’ it was a ‘throw the whole fucking thing away, we don’t want it.’
All he wants to do right now is curl up under his blanket, cry a little and preferably have Taehyung’s arms around him – anyone’s arms to comfort him but he’s alone. All alone. Just like he’s always been. His mind isn’t even working properly anymore, he’s angry, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, sad but overall he is just extremely lonely. And he wants Taehyung to be here, to at least answer his texts once in a while.
The tears are already stinging in his eyes before he’s even looking at his phone in the darkness of his empty bedroom. It’s not the first time that Taehyung’s hasn’t answered for days but during that time Yoongi had Namjoon and Seokjin to distract his mind from jumping to overexaggerated conclusions. Those two are on a trip though – somewhere far away from Yoongi too and he just wants someone who would comfort him after such a horrible day.
His texts are still unanswered. But they are read. And that only drives the pain deeper into Yoongi’s chest. He bites his bottom lip before exiting chat. Taehyung is busy. Taehyung is busy with work, he’s going to answer him when he has time again. There is nothing going on and once again Yoongi is just imagining things. Once again he’s just overreacting like he always does. If Namjoon were here he could tell him that there’s an interpersonal sign he’s missing. That there’s something in Taehyung’s behavior that Yoongi just couldn’t see, couldn’t read because he just can’t see it. Can’t because he never could. Because hints, expressions, emotions, and interpersonal relationships have always been difficult for him to understand, to get a grasp of.
It’s not like Taehyung is ignoring him on purpose, right?
Taehyung said that they were a couple. A couple trusts each other, right? Yoongi knows that Namjoon and Seokjin trust each other with their lives but looking at them this relationship also seems to be the easiest thing on earth when Yoongi just gets more confused each second.
Is it too much to ask for to answer a single message? One hi? Or one message saying that he’s busy? Is it really too much to ask for?
No.
No, Yoongi decides.
It is not too fucking much to ask for! He’s not the only one in this relationship and he’s pushing himself to send text after text which always equals going out of his comfort zone. Why does Taehyung never acknowledge that? Why can’t he shoot a single fucking text back? Why does it seem like Yoongi is the only one trying here?
He feels tears well up in his eyes that he refuses to let fall. There’s no way he’s going to cry right now. Trust Taehyung. That is what he’s gotta do. No matter what.
Yoongi curls up under his blanket, hiding his head underneath it while staring at his phone. Messages unanswered and his frustration only grows. He’s not only sad right now but also angry. All he wants is for Taehyung to be here and the younger doesn’t even try to ease his mind. He’s just ignoring him – Yoongi shakes his head. Getting angry now won’t change a single thing. He should just go to sleep right now and forget about how shitty today was.
His limbs ache as if he’s been doing physical work all day even though he only sat around. Exhaustion wearing down his bone and mind as he turns in bed and clicks on the icon for the dating app. He’ll just fall asleep staring at Taehyung’s smiling face as he does so often in the last weeks. There was a time where he would be falling asleep while Taehyung was facetiming him but they haven’t done that in over one and a half weeks. It stings a bit but Yoongi swallows the pain down and opens Taehyung’s profile.
He doesn’t want to look at first but glances despite that. Online 30 min ago.
This time he couldn’t do anything against the tears that trail down his cheeks. Of course. Of fucking course. How could he ever think that Taehyung would be together with him seriously? He can fucking be online on the goddam dating app but can’t answer the fucking texts of his boyfriend?
Yoongi is mad. His hands tremble a bit and he fights so hard against the tears because he doesn’t think that Taehyung deserves them. How could he ever believe something that was too good to be true right from the start? Of course, Taehyung would still chat with other people. That the younger doesn’t seem to be someone like that doesn’t even appear in Yoongi’s mind at the moment. He just sees red. Taehyung probably acted the whole time. That’s something he can do. Act. Act very well.
He left the app and opened his messages with Taehyung before he could even clearly think about what he wanted to do. It doesn’t matter right now. At the moment he just wants to yell at Taehyung, confront him with everything and get a fucking straight answer out of him. It’s unfair. It’s unfair of him to be so nice to Yoongi all the time, promising him things he couldn’t follow through in the end and then just go and chat with other people.
It’s just unfair and Yoongi doesn’t want to accept it.
His fingers are typing before he could think about the words and he hit send without wasting another thought on the message.
Me
Why ask me to be exclusive when you’re always online to look for other’s while not answering me??
You could have just told me
I can see when you’re online on the app. Have fun chatting with different people because you don’t seem to have time to answer my texts
The small pops up under his messages but there’s nothing indicating that Taehyung was going to answer him. It makes his blood boil and Yoongi lets out a small yell of anger, muffled against his blanket. He kicks his legs in frustration as he almost throws his phone. How hard can it fucking be? Why couldn’t Taehyung simply send a message back? Even a fucking period would be enough for Yoongi at this point.
But getting left on read just makes him even angrier. It’s not fair. It’s totally not fair. He’s done anything he could for Taehyung in the past weeks that they haven’t been together, got up in the middle of the night to answer his calls, texted him every day because he knows it makes the younger smile when he texts first and what does he get in return now? Nothing.
Me
At least answer these!
Taehyung is typing. But his answer is definitely not anywhere near what Yoongi has expected and he chokes on his own spit as he looks over the words.
Tae
As if you’re any better
And what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Yoongi stares at his phone in disbelief, not knowing what to reply. Well, it doesn’t seem like he has to because his phone chimes with another message of Taehyung just a second later.
Tae
Don’t talk to me now. I’m busy
Yoongi wants to scream, wants to punch something because seriously? Seriously?! It’s almost midnight and Taehyung is fucking busy! What is he even busy with? And if he could be online on the fucking app he can text Yoongi back, right?
He angrily wipes at his eyes as he tries to keep his sobs at bay. This is not worth crying over. Not when Taehyung is messing with him so bad.
Me
I know that
When are you not fucking busy??
You’re always busy. You never have time for me but you can chat with other people on the fucking app – just say it if you don’t like me anymore!
Typing it hurts but he can’t do this anymore if Taehyung finally realized that Yoongi hasn’t been good enough after all. He doesn’t know if this conversation wouldn’t have escalated this easily if he wouldn’t have had such a bad day today. But that doesn’t matter anymore because he can’t go back in time. Even though he sometimes wishes he could.
The three dots indicating that Taehyung is typing appear and vanish a few times and Yoongi anxiously waits for the other’s reply. The anger hasn’t dissipated from his body just yet but fear is joining it quickly. As much as he wishes for Taehyung to be honest to him, he wishes that this would all just be a huge misunderstanding and that they would make up. No matter what, being with Taehyung has been one of the happiest time in his life and even though he’s more than angry at him right now – there’s still a part of him that doesn’t want to lose him.
Tae
You know what?!
I don’t care anymore, let's just break up! We didn’t really fit together anyway
Me
Fine!
This time he really throws his phone, doesn’t care about the possibility of breaking it as he hides under the blankets again. The anger has made room for sadness and on top of all – pain. It feels like someone is squeezing his heart tightly, trying to rip it apart from the inside and Yoongi cries into his pillow.
It hurts so much because what Taehyung said is true. It’s what Yoongi’s been thinking right from the start and what the voice in his head has always told him. That evil small voice that has now grown to a loud yell, telling him over and over again how it told him so. In the end, Taehyung left him as everyone else did.
-o-
It’s three nights later and Yoongi is still thinking about it. Of course, he’s still thinking about it even though he tries not to. Trying to drown himself in work for the last days hasn’t really helped because no matter what he tried, nothing valuable came from his attempts at a new beat or lyrics. Nothing.
He couldn’t get the words out of his head. We didn’t really fit together anyway.
It’s sad but it’s true. They never really fit together. Taehyung is s social butterfly, his face appears on TV, he has fans who sometimes recognize him on the street, he’s been to red carpets before and then there’s Yoongi. There’s Yoongi who never really fit the definition of ‘normal’. Yoongi who is just not like the rest, who is filled to the brim with anxiety, body image issues, depression and is just generally socially awkward.
Yoongi sits on the couch in his studio. It’s another late night as he stares at the chat between Taehyung and him. The texts seem to mock him as he remembers how angry he’s been, how frustrated and exhausted. It was a mistake texting Taehyung while feeling like that.
He knows he shouldn’t have snapped like that, shouldn’t have assumed things. Should have asked Taehyung calmly to explain and shouldn’t have accused him of anything without any real proof. And he misses him. God, he misses him and maybe just maybe they still have a chance. He hopes so. Taehyung must have been as tightly wound as him. Both of them are at fault here and even if there’s no chance for them to get back together, Yoongi still wants closure. Their messy break up over text was anything but closure.
With trembling hands and his heart beating in his throat Yoongi types careful words before finally pressing send.
Me
Can we maybe talk about what happened?
Not a second later he gets a text back. Just not from Taehyung. From his phone though.
[Error: The message couldn’t be delivered]
It hasn’t even been a second since he felt regretful, lonely and sad – and now he’s already pissed again. How fucking petty can someone get? Did he mean that little to Taehyung that he had to fucking block him?
Yoongi wants to yell again but he doesn’t. He doesn’t. Taking a deep breath he considers what to do. It’s obvious that Taehyung doesn’t want to fucking talk to him again. Well, if he apparently found someone better than him already, congratulations but Yoongi can do the fucking same. With new found fervor he opens the dating app on his phone, fully intended to look for someone else but the second it opens Yoongi is automatically drawn to Taehyung’s profile.
They’re right there. The messages they exchanged in the beginning but when Yoongi clicks on the other’s profile it says that the user doesn’t exist anymore. He deleted it. Deleted it or fucking blocked him there too. Yoongi snorts, grip tightening around his phone as he grounds his teeth.
Well, it fucking seems like Taehyung found someone who’s worth his time. Who’s worth deleting his profile for. Which obviously isn’t someone like Yoongi.
It shouldn’t hurt this much right? They weren’t even together that long, right? Well, it’s been a few months. About six but still… It shouldn’t hurt this much when Yoongi really knew right from the start that it was too good to be true to have someone like Taehyung in his life. Having someone like Taehyung loving him, caring for him, being there for him. It shouldn’t hurt this much.
But Yoongi cries until his throat is raw, his eyes are dry and his head throbs. He cries until he eventually falls asleep, dreaming of Taehyung and his warm embrace.
-o-
Yoongi tries to get over him. He really does. Namjoon and Seokjin come back from their trip and they ask about Taehyung, ask about how they’re doing and Yoongi sees their excitement, their happiness at the prospect that Yoongi finally found someone and he doesn’t have the heart to tell them that they broke up.
He couldn’t stand imagining their fallen faces when they would find out that Yoongi was alone again. So Yoongi keeps it all to himself. Keeps all the pain, the heartbreak, and the tears to himself as he swamps himself with work in his studio. He knows that this isn’t what he should do, knows that he should take his pills, should go outside again but he can’t.
Falling back into one of his deep depressive episodes is easy when he’s already feeling so sad. One of the good things about that is that he finally got a little inspiration for a new song again.
Even though there are just sad words, filled with regret and sorrow pouring over his notebook. Only soft, sad tunes filling his ears and his own voice dripping with pain and sadness as he stands in front of his microphone.
Tonight he is editing the end. It’s almost finished, almost perfected. Just as he adjusts the background vocals his phone rings. Normally, he wouldn’t pick it up, no matter who called. And especially not when the number calling him is unknown to him. But it flashes over the screen and somehow Yoongi feels compelled to pick up. He can’t really explain why but before he could further think about it he has already paused the music and picked up the call.
“Hyung?”
A cold shiver runs down his back when he hears the voice. That voice that he has missed for so long. The voice belonging to the person who broke his heart, who cut him off. How - How does Taehyung think it could be alright that he’s contacting him now? How could he even think that Yoongi would ever want to speak with him again? (That he still wants is a secret Yoongi doesn’t even want to admit to himself.)
“Hyung? Are you there?” Taehyung asks on the other side of the line. His voice sounds a little more hollow than the last time he heard it. Hollower, emptier and a lot more broken than he would have expected from someone who wanted to break up with him.
He considers just hanging up but in the end, just hums to let Taehyung know that he is indeed there. Namjoon wouldn’t have wanted him to hang up. Namjoon would have wanted him to talk it out like adults. He also wouldn’t have appreciated how much Yoongi cursed in his mind but that’s another story.
It sounds like Taehyung breathes a sigh of relief before starting to talk again. His voice laced with sadness and remorse. “I’m really sorry,” He whispers into the phone, “I’m sorry I snapped at you and I didn’t mean it. Really.”
“You didn’t?” Yoongi snorts. He couldn’t be serious right now. Breaking up with him, blocking him everywhere, over a week of radio silence and now he didn’t mean it? Yoongi knows he also made mistakes but he tried reaching out towards the other, tried to reconcile while Taehyung went on a petty blocking spree. What could he possibly still want to from him? “You really didn’t? Are you sure? You sounded pretty serious to me.”
“Listen, I just – I was very stressed and I –“
“Taehyung,” Yoongi interrupts him with a sigh, “You wanted to break up with me. You were online on the dating app all the time. You blocked me. You deleted your profile or you blocked me there too – I don’t know. But this has been your decision – Why are you calling me now?”
“I – Yoongi I never blocked you anywhere,” Taehyung splutters, “If you mean my number – I got a new number. I kinda broke my phone? My old number can’t receive messages anymore because it doesn’t exist anymore.”
Yoongi is still suspicious. “How’d you get this number then?”
“Uh – It’s on the website? Of the company you work with?”
Yoongi looks down at the phone in his hand and okay – the other is right. This is his work phone, okay. He gives him that for effort but that doesn’t really mean that the other is saying the truth. And even if he was – Yoongi still doesn’t know how to feel. He thought it was over for them, thought they broke it off and he’s been working on getting over Taehyung – wrote that song because of this and now Taehyung is calling him, sounding like he’s about to cry and Yoongi doesn’t know what to make of that.
“But Yoongi listen,” Taehyung interrupts his thoughts, “The app – I was originally online once to delete my profile but I saw that you’ve been going online a lot of times even though we already talked about being exclusive. I kept coming back to it because I wanted to see if you would stop going online but you didn’t. I thought you were meeting with other people and when you texted me accusing me of looking for others even though I was sure you were doing that exact thing I just got so mad. I snapped.”
Taehyung sniffles and Yoongi is sure the other is really crying now. ”I’ve been stressed, filming is exhausting and I just wanted to hold you but I thought you were chatting with others. And I didn’t block you on the app. I deleted my profile because I wasn’t interested in anyone but you – so why stay on the app? I liked you – I liked you so much but I was also hurt. So hurt by what you did.”
Yoongi holds his breath as he listens to the other’s explanation. This can’t be… it’s ridiculous. He can’t really believe what he’s hearing right now – that just couldn’t be. “But I still miss you.”
The words hit a little too close to home and he feels his own eyes starting to sting with tears. He can’t believe that both of them thought of the same thing without having proof. It must have been the distance, the sudden distance after being together so much in the first three months and then suddenly having to part.
It must have been the stress of being apart and from their respective jobs. The stress that must have made both of them insecure and lead them to believe that the other might consider cheating. Yoongi can’t fucking believe it that both of them have been this stupid instead of, just talking about it like adults. It’s weird that Taehyung hasn’t talked about this, hasn’t voiced his concerns because that’s just so unlike him. Normally, Taehyung insists on talking, can voice his thoughts and feelings easily but not about this.
“I’m so stupid…” Yoongi whispers as he shakes his head, a hollow laugh falling from his lips as he wipes his tears, “We both are.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m – The only reason I kept going back to the app was to look at the selfies on your profile. I swear – I fucking swear I would never, never cheat on you. I think we – we just both jumped to conclusions too quickly but I… miss you too. So much,” Yoongi says, voice breaking at the end as he finally lets himself feel the pain of being apart from Taehyung. His chest constricts tightly and his throat closes up.
He wants to see Taehyung right now, wants to hold him, wants to see his stupidly handsome face and kiss his pouty pretty lips. Oh god, he wishes the other would be here right now but he’s still on the other side of South Korea. Still gone and it only hurts more.
"Let's meet again, okay?” Taehyung sniffles on the other side of the line and he sounds so hopeful, his words fueling the wish to see the younger even more. “To talk everything over because I – god, Yoongi I really missed you so badly and I want to be with you. Let's start over, okay?”
Starting again. Yoongi smiles. That sounds good, that sounds absolutely amazing. His heart beats a little faster and he has never felt so thankful in his life before. Yeah, okay he tried to get over Taehyung – really did but that isn’t something easy to do. Not when Taehyung has been the first person who treated him like he did, who showed him how much he liked him, appreciated him – how understanding he’s been of Yoongi’s situations and problems.
Yoongi still likes him. That’s for sure and for now, he could ignore the voice inside of his head because finally, finally, he could almost convince himself completely to not believe it. Because why – why would Taehyung apologize and explain everything to him if he doesn’t mean it?
“Okay…” Yoongi whispers, his smile feeling a little foreign on his lips after being sad for the past few days.
There’s a small pause before Taehyung speaks again, a little hesitant. “Is it okay if I come over, right now?”
Yoongi wants to yell yes – wants to squeal from joy. His legs start bouncing up and down and he keeps snapping his fingers – anything to get the sudden energy and excitement out of his body. The fact that Taehyung should be on the other side of South Korea right now doesn’t even occur to him – not when he’s this close to seeing the other again.
“Missed me that much?” He teases the other instead of, letting him know how much he really wants to see him.
Taehyung giggles a little and the sound makes Yoongi’s stomach swoop. “Maybe…”
“I’m at the studio – waiting for you,” Yoongi says before hanging up, not even giving Taehyung a chance to answer. As soon as the line is dead he lets out a loud squeal, getting up from the chair to jump around the room until he finally released all the excitement inside of him.
The smile on his face is so wide that his cheeks hurt. He takes a deep breath and sits down at his desk again. The song file is staring at him and he quickly puts on his headphones, editing the last bits of the songs while he impatiently waits for Taehyung to arrive at the studio.
Just seconds before there’s a knock at his studio door he sends the finished file for the company approvement. Trivia: Seesaw. A song dedicated to the time he and Taehyung spent apart. When he hears the knock and opens the door to a disheveled but smiling Taehyung he swears that from now on he would only write happy songs about the younger.
“Shouldn’t you be at set?” Yoongi asks when he finally finds his voice again.
Taehyung shakes his head slightly, taking a step inside of the studio and cradling Yoongi’s face in his hands. “I’m done with my part – we’ve wrapped things up sooner than expected. I’ll have to go back in a week though for the final takes but I’m free right now,” He explains, “Free to be with you and make everything right again.”
Yoongi blushes as the younger brushes a few stray tears from his reddened cheeks. “From the moment I first saw your face,” Taehyung says as he presses a kiss to his forehead, “I knew that I had to meet you.” He leans forward to leave a short kiss right at the tip of his nose. “From the first moment I met you,” He kisses his right cheek, “I knew that I wanted to keep you,” He kisses his left cheek.
For a moment they’re just staring at each other and then Taehyung is pressing their lips together. It feels like coming home and Yoongi holds onto him as tight as possible. Fuck the voice in his head – Taehyung obviously wants him, obviously likes him. And he feels the exact same way.
“I love you.”
-o-
I can make it better
I can hold you tighter
Oh I can make it right
Everything was useless
Anything other than you
Oh I can make it right