Chapter Text
she’d never admit it, but allie always knew harry was someone she could fall in love with.
she could fall in love with him the way she falls in line with whatever cassandra says, with ease, no questions asked.
yet between the two one trumps the other, cassandra’s unspoken orders like a thin line between what could be (and the fact that she wonders if he even knew her as anything more than her sisters shadow).
allie can picture it so perfectly in her head, how horrible it would be. they would be like some goddamn romeo and juliet tragedy, forbidden lovers, no happy ending in sight. unlike romeo and juliet it’s completely one sided, and she feels like such a cliche for it. having some weird crush on of course the most popular boy in school who is also the most unattainable. hands clasped with kelly’s every day, his character slandered by her sister, and his eyes never meeting her own unless as a glance to see who was lurking behind cassandra.
she tries to tell herself that’s why she likes him, just because she can’t have him. not to mention she doesn’t really know him, just what she hears from others, but in her mind she can paint the romanticized version of him. her modern day romeo with curly black hair and a sports car to match. the one person that might like her over her sister, who might throw rocks at her window late at night and sneak in just because he missed her. these are the thoughts she has before she falls asleep, daydreaming of some other world where it was true, where her heart didn’t beat with guilt when she looked at him.
but it’s easier to hate harry bingham, or at least pretend to. it’s easy to go along with her sister and her friends, to roll her eyes at his comments and add on to their groups rants about him. it’s easier to comfort cassandra when he does something without her knowing about her little crush, it’s easier to avoid him like the plague then let him see what weird hold he has over her.
she resigns herself to stolen glances instead, memorizing his smile in her head and trying to feel the warmth radiating off his brown eyes. they’re comforting in some weird way, but she doesn’t let herself take the time to think why because that’ll go too far.
-
cassandra’s ranting about him, laying on allie’s bed as she finishes up her math homework. she’s only half listening, one last problem to do and everything cassandra’s said she’s heard before. she finds it almost funny, how cassandra views harry. she makes him this flawed character, no redeeming qualities, she makes him out to be the bad guy. allie, on the other hand, sees him so differently. it’s almost irritating in a way, that she can see his flaws so clearly, and yet can’t help but think he’s perfect. somehow those flaws make him more perfect, and maybe her biggest flaw is that she’s dumb enough to believe that.
“i’m sorry, i’m annoying you.” cassandra breaks her stream of words about harry with this, something that makes allie bring her head up from looking down at her work.
she shakes her head with a smile, unconvincing, saying something else is on her mind. “not at all, just trying to figure out this problem. i’m listening though, you can keep talking.”
cassandra turns onto her stomach, lifting herself half up to get a better look at allie, to show the conversation is real now. “i’ve barely seen you move your pencil, your mind is on something else. what are you thinking about?”
allie tries to laugh, tries to seem like cassandra is ridiculous for thinking that, that she’s completely wrong. neither of them buys it. “i’m not, i’ve just been trying to think through this. i can’t write if i’m still trying to figure out how to solve it.”
cassandra tilts her head, the knowing look in her eye calling bullshit on her words. “is this about will?” she asks, throwing allie in for a loop.
her reactions are now genuine, the shock in her eyes and confusion real, though cassandra can’t detect that. she still thinks she’s hiding something, pretending.
“what about will?” is all allie can ask, unsure what her sister is even insinuating.
cassandra scoots up to sit next to her, fully serious, almost like a mom having the talk. “that you like him? no offense allie, but it’s pretty obvious.”
allie scoffs at the accusation, surprised that her sister who she always thought was a genius could get it so wrong. maybe she should’ve been the actor of the family, it seems she pulls it off well.
“i don’t like him, like at all. he’s my best friend, that’s it.” she insists, already knowing her sister won’t believe her.
she always seems to have that look, that cassandra look, that look where she tries so hard not to come off condescending as it says “i know more than you”. she can’t begrudge her for that, because a lot of the time it’s true. cassandra knows more than most, she’s an old soul, but this just proved she wasn’t always right.
“allie, you don’t need to lie to me. you know i can keep a secret. i’ve had a feeling you’ve liked someone for a while, and i see the way you look at will.”
she couldn’t be further from the truth, her observations pointing in the wrong places, missing the way her eyes stayed glued to will so as not to look at harry, the way she always angled herself to be able to get a glimpse of the dark haired knight surrounded by what seemed to be his little fan club in school.
she had her little crew with her sister, a loyal bunch that worked out well for them. he, on the other hand, was friends with all. the most desirable boy in the school, irresistible, even to her.
maybe this was better, cassandra’s wrong assumption. it was easier for her to think she liked the wrong boy, easier to keep a secret with a lie. she knew it was a slippery slope, it would bite her in the ass one day, but for now she would take the easy solution rather than admit the horrid truth. her sister wouldn’t be mad if she knew some twisted part of her had a crush on harry bingham, she’d nod her head out of support and say something along the lines of ‘i understand’. yet she also knew that behind her kind words there would be another look in her eyes, that silent disappointment, that quiet betrayal.
so she lied, took the easy way out, protecting herself and others from the truth she hated to admit. “okay, you’re right.” she started, trying to take acting notes from cassandra’s time in school plays. “i may have a tiny crush on will, but don’t say anything! i don’t want to pursue it or anything. i’m just gonna try to get over it and be friends like normal.”
she felt a pang of guilt in her stomach, she never lied to her sister, never kept secrets. if anything this just proved how bad harry bingham was for her, how wrong her crush was for him. can she really blame him though? the boy who barely knew her?
in this scenario, maybe she was the bad guy, no one else to put the blame on but herself.
“you should tell him how you feel.” cassandra tries to convince her as if she doesn’t already know he has a crush on kelly. allie almost laughs audibly, the thought of it. she thinks she likes will, who likes kelly, who is dating harry, the boy she really likes. it’s too twisted, and she has to bite her lip before it slips out.
she shakes her head, trying to dismiss her sisters offerings. she smiles at her in a way that tells cassandra to stop talking about it, her eyes begging. “let me finish my homework and after i’ll run lines with you. want to make sure your last performance is the best.”
cassandra gets up and off her bed, nodding in agreement and thanks as she walks towards the door, giving her one last look before she leaves.
for the first time in her entire life, allie pressman realizes her sister isn’t as smart as she thought she was.
-
she stands in the wings of the stage, earpiece in and on in case they call her for something, but she takes whatever moments she can to watch the play.
she’s seen it so many times, listened to cassandra practice and even helped her, yet she doesn’t get tired of it. seeing her sister on the stage, her talent on display for all, looking almost angelic as the lights shine through her golden blonde hair.
and then he’s there, dark hair and eyes tempting her and making him look like lucifer morningstar next to the jesus figure of her sister. isn’t that what they always say, that satan was the most beautiful angel? that he was perfect?
yet they stand there, side by side, almost mocking her.
it’s a wonder cassandra was the actress of the family, considering how dramatic allie was.
she gets called back to work, glad for the distraction.
allie wonders if she’s a masochist, that must be the only explanation for this crush, and for the torture she gives herself with these self indulgent glances and thoughts angled towards him.
she doesn’t get to watch the end bows, the way everyone cheers, the way the seniors cry at their last show in high school all together. she’s busy compiling her stuff, ready to leave, collecting cassandra’s flowers that are overflowing off her section of the room. their house is already a weird concoction of scents, roses mixed with lilacs, daisys and chrysanthemums, flooding her senses whenever she walks through the door.
despite that she’s ready to go home, exhausted, wanting to sleep off the over indulgence of harry she’s had during this play. when she’s here it’s him who floods her senses, his voice echoing through the auditorium as she says his lines, running around back stage distracting her from her work. she yells at him a few times, tells him to quiet down, to stop being so rowdy. she doesn’t even get anything in response. she isn’t cassandra, where they bicker and fight, she isn’t even worth that. who would talk to a shadow? who would listen to the whining voice nagging at you to stop your fun? she feels like a little boy, tugging on his crushes pigtails to get her attention. the only way she gets to talk to harry bingham is to be mean to him, and she takes what she can get.
once cassandra is dressed they begin to leave, walking down the aisle and allie feels like she walks in slow motion as she looks at him. surrounded by his friends, they hang onto every word he says, and she wishes it was her standing in kelly’s place instead.
they’re talking about a party, and the usual bickering begins (with her adding into it coming to her sisters defense of course). she shakes her head and walks away, following her sisters lead, staring at her feet so as not to stare at him
she’s never been to a party, especially not one of harry’s. cassandra hates to go, and so do all her friends. she pretends to agree with them at their claims, their disapproving tones as they talk about how ridiculous it is, how boring it is to watch their classmates get drunk. but a part of her wants to take up kelly’s offer and go, integrate herself into another world, another life. see him in his true element, paint a new picture of him in her head.
but she goes home instead, falling asleep to the smell of lavender, and thinking of his dark eyes.
-
she waves goodbye to her parents as she boards the bus, taking a seat next to her best friend and ‘crush’, and hates how much of a teenage girl she is.
her eyes keep flitting over to harry and kelly, cuddling and whispering in each others ears. she hates these feelings inside of her, the pain and jealousy that bubbles in her stomach and she knows how ridiculous it is to be hurt by a boy you have no real relation to.
she bites her tongue and eats that pain, but gets caught staring, and yet everyone in her life is still none the wiser.
“you know i caught them during the play.” will starts, whispering to her and cassandra, bringing her eyes back to them rather than the couple.
“what?” she asks, only half hearing what he had said.
“i caught them in her dressing room, with his head under her skirt.” will shares silently to them, and all allie can do is look at her palms, empty and facing up.
cassandra shakes her head at that, leaning in to whisper back. “they can’t keep their hands off each other, i had to stop them from making out so we could actually perform the play. it’s annoying, but what can we expect?”
when allie looks up it’s now will who is staring at them, his own jealousy showing now. she hoped she wasn’t as obvious as him, because when she looked in his eyes she could see it all. every thought, every emotion, and how deeply it mirrored her own.
it seemed the two of them were destined for that pain, for that wallowing of choosing someone you can’t have. at least kelly was nice. at least kelly was good. harry was bad, and just looking at him made allie feel like she had sinned.
they both stare at what can not be reached, a ridiculous high school tragedy, and when they can’t handle it anymore they resign themselves to sleep.
allie is still half asleep when the bus comes to a stop, struggling to open her eyes and take in her surroundings. once she does all she can hear is the grouped murmur of everyone’s tired voices whispering to each other, looking around and seeing equally confused looks on everyone's face.
she does what she thinks is only logical, turns to cassandra for answers. “what’s going on?”
her sister rubs her eyes and begins to stand up, grabbing her things. “something happened and they turned back around, we’re home.”
she’s too tired to voice her confusion, just nods her head and follows everybody off the bus.
she’s never seen her town so empty, so dead, and yet so alive. it felt like the town itself was an entity, breathing, like they weren’t as alone as they thought as they all walked home, clueless to what awaited them and their future.
she turns her head to give one last glance at everyone, feeling as if she will turn around and see their parents standing there waiting for them.
instead, she sees him walk away, with kelly in his arms.
she turns around, fast.
they’re not home for long before cassandra takes the role of leader and calls them all back to where they began, and as her loyal sidekick allie stands by her side. she tries to rationalize everything, figure things out, yet everyone can see how unsure she is. allie can see how unsure she is, and seeing her sister unsure scares her. if cassandra doesn’t have the answers, something is seriously wrong.
so few people listen to her advice and go home, everyone else taking advantage of the situation ahead of them. no adults? no one watching to see them raid the liquor store? it’s a perfect opportunity.
as clark announces their impromptu party cassandra rolls her eyes, begins to walk away, expecting allie to follow behind. she doesn’t she stands where she is, watching as they chug their beer and open the doors to the church.
“are you coming?” cassandra asks, pausing when she realizes allie isn’t with her, staring with her arms crossed.
allie looks between the two, her sister and the crowd. what she’s always been versus what she’s always wanted to be. her heart beats at the unsaid ultimatum, the opportunity to be another version of herself for just the night, to go against her sister for once. her eyes flitter between her options, and that’s why she sees him.
it’s like the world is in slow motion as he walks through the doors of the church, watching the sacrilege of a fallen angel passing the doors of god. the church now an unholy place, holding all the sins of the world, the doors pandora’s box open and released. walk through and sin with me, it calls, his body disappearing in the crowd, come find me.
she doesn’t look away when she answers her sister, “i’ll see you at home.”
she walks away before she can see her sisters reaction, but as she nears the church she can still feel her eyes on her, watching her step out of her shadow for even a night.
-
she wakes up the next morning with a pounding head, her first ever hangover. she got drunk, too drunk, but not shitfaced like the rest. she remembers what happens, the chaos of the church, teens rising to their full reckless potential.
she remembers keeping an eye on him, waiting for the right moment to use her liquid courage and talk to him. she knows he’s in a relationship, she wouldn’t have tried anything, she just wanted to talk. say she talked to harry bingham with no malice, no snippy tone and backhanded compliment. she wanted to talk to him the way she always hoped to one day, like that invisible line between them wasn’t real. like they were equals, friends, like he knew she was someone he could fall in love with as well.
he was drunk too, maybe he wouldn’t even question why she was talking to him. she told herself this in a weird motivator, trying to get herself ready, smiling as she watched him laugh with his friends and how simple his life must be. it must be perfect to be harry bingham, it must be so easy.
her fantasy quickly came crashing down, watching his hands brush against another girl's tits, his girlfriend starting a fight, and allie is filled with the cold reminder that she is an outsider. she is not meant to be here, and that she’s an idiot to even think about talking to him. what did she expect, tonight to be one way then go back to pretending to hate him? hide it from cassandra forever? she started to feel sick, and with everyone either already home or partying in the church, she walked home alone and cold and cursing the world around her for making these feelings even more needlessly complicated.
she really hated being a teenager, and she hated everything that came with being allie pressman. the weight of being a shadow held hard and trying to step out from there threatened to break her back.
her duty as a sidekick never stops, quickly getting ready to follow cassandra on the job of figuring out whatever the fuck is going on, which it seemed involved more of harry than she expected.
it was almost as if he was just there to fight with cassandra and to tempt allie, to add an extra weight on her, to make her question her common sense more.
a small group of them gets together at what seems to be the edge of the world, or their world at least, trying to figure out what’s going on and how to solve it. she stays silent, that’s what her job is. she stays silent unless cassandra needs her to speak, and only then it’s too agree with her.
she doesn’t know if cassandra knows that she does this, that she puts this secret command on her keeping her in check of where she falls on the totem pole. yet allie can never be mad at her sister, she can’t blame her either, she was always so happy to take that role. she was always happy just to be in her presence, call her sister her best friend. she cast herself in the role, never taking the time to break out of it, now trapped like a prisoner. she was tired of this role, she was tired of the bars, she wanted out, but she didn’t know how.
“i’m leaving.” harry starts, interrupting the flow of conversation, dismissing the importance of it. “i’m hungry.”
allie can’t help but get up, stand on equal ground to him. in everyone’s eyes this is her doing cassandras bidding, not realizing this is for completely selfish purposes. “you’re leaving?” she calls out, her tone comes off rude, masking the true meaning. i’m scared. we need you. please don’t go.
he responds back as if she is cassandra, cold and unkind, yet she wonders if this is the first time he’s really talked to her. even he can’t see, but why would she expect him to? she had mastered her role to perfection, no one can see past it, even as her eyes beg him to see the truth.
he leaves anyway, he’s always leaving. she’s starting to get pretty good at it too.
-
they’re all in the church, and it’s so different than the night before. the night before was controlled chaos, fun, what felt like the best of the situation. this night is the worst of the situation, the fear and frustration, the realization that things aren’t as fine as they thought.
they all unofficially sit in their places of importance, the ones in charge, the ones with some weird power are on the altar. the royalty of the school, the saints and sinners sitting on their miniature kingdom over their people. she knows her place, she sits in a pew with everyone else, despite it all she has not earned her spot yet. despite cassandra being her sister she is still just on the outside looking in.
harry and cassandra are up there like it’s just another stage for them to perform on, and she watches them like it is, or more specifically him. she can’t help but stare, unable to take his eyes off him as he looks at the floor, his black curls hiding his eyes from her. she thinks it’s for the best, the eyes are too much, the window to the soul. she isn’t ready for that yet, her heart already pounding too much in her chest just looking at him.
when he fights back to her sister subtly she looks away, a deep shame washing over her, her once beating heart stopping dead in its tracks. she can’t believe herself, feeling as if having this crush was a betrayal to herself.
then it all happens too quickly, further proof that this world is so far from their own. the gunshot echoing in the church, the gun pointed at cassandra, and before she can even think she runs over to protect her.
allie knows how important her sister is to keeping chaos from arising, and she’s willing to sacrifice herself to protect her. they hold onto each other out of fear, and allie still hasn’t fully processed it all. it’s too much at once, it’s too horrific, and it’s just the start.
campbell makes his statement, practically begging for chaos and anarchy, already proving to be a threat. and yet that’s not what hurts the most, what hurts the most is when she sees who stands at his offer.
harry has never been so close to her, they’ve never stood in such close proximity. she can see the details of his face, the loose curls out of place, the tiny scar on his face she never noticed before.
as he looks to stare down at cassandra he catches her eye, and even that’s too much. black eyes meet blue, and she has to turn away before she screams at the overwhelming emotions. why did she choose him? why is he the way he is?
allie thinks this is what will plague her mind that night, then something worse comes crashing through those doors.
they are stuck here, this world is not their own, there is a dead girl meant to be buried tomorrow.
yet when she sleeps her mind lingers on one thing, replaying it over and over in her mind.
she jumped in front of the gun, she risked her life.
maybe she could be the heroine after all.