Secrets Kept, Secrets Told

by raelee514

Summary:

Robert and Aaron have always had a connection.

Chapter 1: Secrets Kept

Part One: Secrets Kept

Robert Fifteen, Aaron Eleven

Robert

Robert leaned against the wall of the barn, toying with the handle of a rake as he watched Mark muck out a stall. It was hot and humid out, summer in full force, and he’d taken off his shirt. Mark was lean and all muscle. He wasn’t much older than Robert, maybe only a year or so, and they’d been getting on really well. Which was different and strange, really, Robert usually didn’t have much in common with the farmhands just like he didn’t have much common ground with his father or Andy. But Mark watched Doctor Who, and he liked to read. He’d caught Robert skiving off in the barn the first day, reading The Stand, and struck up a conversation about it. Robert thought they were maybe mates, but as he watched Mark’s body move as he mucked out the stall, he felt weird, like something was buzzing underneath his skin. It made him uncomfortable, it made him blush.  

“You know, you could help me?” Mark said, stopping for a second and looking back at him, his grin showing off deep-dimpled cheeks.  

“I’m supervising, my farm innit?” 

“Wouldn’t let your dad hear you say that.”

“I don’t care what he thinks,” Robert said. 

“Why is that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…” He dropped his rake and walked over toward Robert. “Been working here a few weeks now, and you, your dad, your brother… It doesn’t seem like normal trouble.”

Robert clenched his jaw.  

“Rob?” Mark moved closer, and his hand landed on his shoulder. “We’re mates, yeah?”

It felt like Mark’s palm was heavy and hot against him, and he found himself wondering how it’d feel against his skin. He couldn’t help thinking he should shrug off the touch or tell Mark to keep his hands off. It was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t. Because he looked up into dark eyes and felt that weird buzz again accompanied with the idea he could trust Mark. Robert hoped he wasn’t blushing, that the heat he felt was from the weather. He opened his mouth and words he never said out loud flew out. “Andy killed my Mum, and no one cares.”

Mark jolted in shock, Robert thought, but his hand stayed firmly in place. And that made it easy for him to go on. “They’re all on Andy’s side — Dad, Vic, the village. All feeling sorry for him because it was an accident... Like that makes it okay, she’s…gone…” he sniffled. “He started the fire. He did it.”

“The barn…” Mark stammered, referring to another barn on the farm, the one getting rebuilt. Robert was refusing to help and getting lectures for it. Getting assigned to the worst chores on the farm for refusing to step foot near it. But he wouldn’t do it, he wouldn’t step place near where his Mum died. He couldn’t. It was bad enough seeing it every day. It was bad enough being in his own home every day and seeing her pictures all around. It hurt to see Victoria because it was her smile — and it made him jealous too. Jealous, he couldn’t look in a mirror and see her. He hated she was his step-mum when it came down to it because that wasn't right. He’d loved her more than anything, why weren’t they blood? Why hadn’t Dad saved her? Why had Andy started that fire? He hated it, all of it, and he missed her more every day instead of less — wasn’t it meant to get better. But how could it with reminders all around. How could he when it seemed like he was the only one left who cared?  

“They act like I should’ve forgiven and forgotten by now like all this time’s passed, but it’s not even been a year.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark said, and he was shaking his head. “I can’t imagine.”

“I miss her,” he whispered, and suddenly, he was being hugged. 

Robert let out a surprised gasp, but let Mark wrap his arms around him. He slotted their bodies together like it was nothing. Robert felt confused by how aware he was of all of it. It added to how vulnerable and raw he felt. How shocked he was that he'd spoken any of it out loud and wondered if he’d made a mistake. And Mark was a bit taller than him, so Robert found his face against a bare shoulder. Body heat and sweat surrounding him and an instinct to shove Mark away from him rose up simultaneously with one to hold on tighter. It was something he couldn’t pinpoint or understand. There was buzzing under his skin again, and he felt tears on his face. His mum was in his mind, but everything about it was feeling more and more out of reach. But someone had just listened. And no one ever listened. He burrowed into Mark and hugged him back — and realized his last hug was his mum. No one had hugged him sense and felt like this might be it. A farmer’s helper was the only one who would. No one else cared. His chin wobbled, and more tears stung his eyes and started to shake with it. 

“Hey, hey,” Mark tightened his arms around him.  

Robert was wrecked by the sadness, the loneliness that been filling him more and more each day. And the anger, the anger that felt like it was becoming the bones of him. He tightened his grip on Mark despite the spike of embarrassment from bawling. Despite a piece of him still thinking he should shove him away. But Mark was whispering at him, near his ear, repeating two words over and over again. “It’s okay, Rob, it’s okay.” And it wasn’t, of course, it wasn’t, but it was nice to hear it. Despite it being a lie. Because he knew Mark was on his side, for once, someone listened to him. And it being Mark, that meant something more, because he liked him. He liked him, and he felt himself try to breathe in the scent of him, despite his nose being clogged up from crying.  

They stood there, hugging, for a while, and Robert knew, it was longer than it needed to be, but he hadn’t wanted to let go — he wondered if Mark felt the same. When they finally did move to pull apart, they only managed to get halfway there. Robert’s hands were on Mark’s elbows, and Marks's hands were on his waist. Mark was looking at him in a way that made him blush. He felt self-conscious, remembering how hard he’d been crying. But suddenly, there was a thumb wiping at the tears that remained on his cheek, dragging up his cheekbone. Mark pulled his hand away quickly and looked down. And Robert was sure he was blushing too, and the buzz under his skin got louder.  

“Rob…” Mark’s dark eyes were looking at him again and Robert felt his insides flip, as Mark’s hands tightened on his waist, and he seemed to loom closer. Robert’s eyes flicked to his lips, and he chose not to stop it…

“Robert…” Aaron Dingle’s voice seemed much louder than it needed to be… His shout made Mark jump about a foot away from Robert. And now Robert knew Mark was blushing. They both were, deep red and unable to look at each other, and Robert scrambled to pick up the rake and tried to look natural as he answered Aaron’s shout.
 
Eleven-year-old Aaron Dingle appeared, faster than Robert expected him, and his breath caught a bit as he met Aaron’s eyes. Aaron always looked a bit defiant and got some guff for it from most people. Not Robert, though, he knew what the kid been through. The whole damn village did, and Robert knew what it was like to wish Emmerdale wasn’t so small that they everyone in it knew your secrets. His was a dead mum. Aaron’s was a pervert father. Robert purposely never thought about it much. Just looked out for the kid — because he and Adam Barton seemed to be able to do what no one else had managed. They made Victoria remember she was a kid, that liked to play and laugh. So, all three of them were mainstays at the farm this summer. Helping with small jobs and getting underfoot the rest of the time.  

Aaron also somehow got the job as being his dad and Andy’s messenger when they wanted stuff from Robert but couldn’t be bothered to ask him themselves. Robert almost felt sorry for the kid about it — caught in the middle, and he tried not to kill the messenger, but he’d given the kid an earful more than once. But right now, he felt almost relieved that Aaron interrupted — maybe. He felt restless and strange and disappointed. But scared, scared that it was for the best nothing happened — what was about to happen? Robert looked at Mark and felt himself blush again.   

“What?” Robert repeated again as Aaron fell to stop in the space between him and Mark. 

Aaron handed a piece of crumpled paper and shrugged. “Vic’s coming back to the Bartons with Adam and me, and your dad and Andy went into Hotten. They need you to finish up a few things and start supper for the three of ya.”

Robert rolled his eyes, and Mark was closer again and ripping the paper out of his hands. “Finish up, this is almost everything Andy was meant to be doing in the east field?”

“Katie was over,” Aaron said. 

“He let him slack off with Katie?” Robert asked, despite knowing the answer. Andy got to live by different rules than he did, and he hated it. “Whatever,” he groused.  

“Moira here yet?” he asked.

“Yeah…”

“Okay, go on… and tell Victoria to call me if she needs anything, yeah?”  

Aaron shrugged but glanced between him and Mark before he turned around and left the barn. Robert watched him go, his entrance into the barn been pretty fast, and his voice had seemed too loud… He felt a bit of a panic of what he may have seen. But he shook it off. Aaron Dingle wasn’t a grass, and what if he saw something. There wasn’t anything to see… it’d just been a hug. It was embarrassing, but it wasn’t world-shattering. He pushed it away and leaned against the wall of the barn again, and held out his hand for the list. 

Mark handed it to him, and their gaze caught. Something about it made Robert smile, and Mark mirrored him. “Is Katie that blonde that comes over and makes cow eyes at your brother?”

“Yeah.” Robert rolled his eyes. “She’s nice and all, just has questionable taste…” he looked at the list, and Mark was right. It was like Andy hadn’t done a thing all day and now he had to do it. “I feel like bloody Cinderella.”

Mark snorted. 

“Ain’t a lie, though,” Robert groaned. 

“Let’s blow it off then,” Mark said. 

“What?”

“They left, right, didn’t make sure the kid gave you the list. Just say he never told ya, not like he’ll get in trouble.”

“No… Dad’s looking for a reason to hate Aaron…”

“What?”

“He’s a Dingle…it’s a hangup my Dad has… they make Vic happy though, him and the Barton boy.”

“Yeah, whatever… we’ve been working since dawn, it’ll be past sunset by the time we finish here and then do all of Andy’s work. We should blow it off.”

“You’ll get fired,” Robert said, and that put a sudden fire under him to do the chores. 

“Shit…” Mark sighed. “I haven’t even made half of the money, I need either…”

“What’s it for?” Robert asked. 

“A computer?”

“Yeah? What kind?” he asked, his eyes lighting up. “Saving for one too.”

Mark grinned at him, the one that showed off his dimples, and Robert felt stunned. “You’re so great.”

“I am?” Robert whispered back, surprised. 

Mark blushed, and Robert wondered if he’d meant to say that out loud. And yeah, something was happening between them. And he shouldn’t let it. He knew that that, but the weird buzzing under his skin felt good. It wasn’t like he could stop staring at Mark, he’d tried. He couldn’t stop liking him. And he was being liked back — and that felt good too. Maybe it was wrong, he knew his dad would think it was wrong. But Mark cared about him, and no one else did, and maybe that meant it’d be okay?  

“Guess we should do what’s on the list?” Mark asked after a beat.

Robert nodded. 

“Let me see the list, again?”

He handed him back the crumbled paper and ended up staring as Mark read it, his mouth moved a bit as he read the words. That proved it. He couldn’t stop staring and wasn’t really sure what it meant. He wondered if it really had to mean anything at all. Did it? Mark looked up and caught him, staring at his mouth. Robert tried to shift his eyes away and not look panicked. But Mark smiled at him and was suddenly close enough to put his hand on Robert’s shoulder again. “Rob…I…you can always talk about her — your mum. If you wanted?”

It was too much. He felt overwhelmed and thought maybe he’d let himself be too vulnerable. He thought maybe he trusted Mark and he knew he liked him. This just proved why, because he saw him — or at least some of him. He nodded, not wanting to seem ungrateful. He knew, though, he wouldn’t let today repeat. He wouldn’t be bawling on anyone’s shoulder again. It was too much, and he felt really weird now. Like he’d shown too much of himself. He wouldn’t regret it though, it’d shown him he could trust Mark a bit. And it was a weird feeling because he hadn’t felt it since his mum died. He couldn’t trust his Dad or Andy. Andy killed mum, and his dad was covering it up for him. No one cared what he thought, no one thought about him. No one understood he’d lost his mum — no one understood how important she’d been to him. He looked at Mark and was grateful. Really grateful. He wouldn’t tell him more, but he’d asked, somehow had noticed him.  

It felt good.  

~~~

A week later, Robert knew Mark was the only reason he was surviving the summer. They were laughing, harder than justified at something Robert barely remembered, but he kept egging Mark on because he wanted to see his dimples. As they made their way up the porch steps, he noticed his dad was at the top of them, and he braced himself for a lecture.  

“It’s good to see you smiling, son.” Jack messed up Robert’s hair like he was still a kid. He blinked up at him, confused by the familial action, confused by the niceness, not that it lasted long. “But that fence should’ve been done by now, so less skiving and more work. I want you both back up that field within the hour, or I’m docking Mark’s pay.”  

It could never just be something nice. He glanced over at Mark, and he was rolling his eyes at his dad. That felt nice. Everything with Mark felt nice and good. He already knew that Mark was the first person to make him smile since his mum died. The first person to make him laugh. He knew it. Maybe that was why he always felt so buzzed around him. Maybe that was more to do with how he could never stop staring at him, more than being fit, more than his dimples being nice. Robert gulped and looked away. He shouldn’t think these things, he knew it, but Mark made him feel good.

“Let’s drink our lemonade outside,” Mark offered. “By that old tree, out back? I don’t want to put up with your brother and those kids.”  

“Yeah, I’ll bring them out, go ahead,” he said, not wanting to deal with Andy either. He frowned when he saw Katie was over again, her and Andy sitting at the far side of the kitchen table leaned toward each other talking animatedly. He really wondered why someone so cute liked his brother that much. Though, she didn’t know he was a killer. No one did, but family, and that was how it would stay — sometimes he wondered why he went along with it.  

“Robert?” 

He looked over at Aaron. 

“I can’t eat this,” he showed him the sandwich on his plate. Robert sighed at the amount of celery on it — Chas Dingle made it very clear to them Aaron was allergic to it.  

“Andy, what the hell you make a celery sandwich for…” who even did that?

“Was all that was in there, Dad’s going shopping later.”

“Aaron’s bloody allergic.”

“He didn’t say.”

“I DID!” Aaron shouted.

“Oi, don’t shout.”

“Well, maybe if you listened to him instead of gazing at Katie’s stupid face, you’d have heard him in the first place,” Robert yelled and felt gratified when Andy blushed beet red and suddenly couldn’t look at Katie.  

“Andy, let’s just go sit on the porch,” Katie suggested and took his hand. She glared at Robert. “Why are you always so mean?” 

Robert rolled his eyes and turned to the refrigerator. Andy wasn’t wrong, there was barely anything in it. He sighed and went to the cupboards instead and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. “Toast and peanut butter, Aaron?”

Aaron shrugged, but Robert knew that was a yes, so he shoved some bread in the toaster and started to fill glasses of lemonade for him and Mark. He hoped Mark liked celery, as he glanced at the gross sandwiches Andy had made. He glanced at his sister, who was picking at hers and Adam, who was just glaring at the one on his plate. Andy probably hadn’t listened to Aaron, because what kid was going to eat what he made? 

“You two want peanut butter and toast too?”

“YESSSS,” Adam yelled dramatically. 

Robert heard Aaron snickering by his elbow and turned to him with a grin. “Look, go tell Mark, I’m gonna be longer?”

“Why not…” Aaron shrugged and took off.  

“Wait, I need to tell ya where he is..”

“I know,” Aaron shot back.

“Huh…” the toaster popped up, and he turned to shove more bread into it and to start slathering the peanut butter on it. He handed Vic the first one, and Aaron got the second as he came back.  

“He good?”

“He looked right pissed,” Aaron said. 

Robert sighed.  

“Why isn’t he in here?” Vic asked. 

“Didn’t wanna put with Andy.”

“Or us,” Aaron said. 

Robert shot him a look but handed him and Adam their food. “Uh, is Andy on the porch, still?” he asked Aaron.

“Yeah.”

“Good,” he grabbed the crappy celery sandwiches and the two glasses of lemonade. “Just a reminder it’s your bloody turn to watch them,” he snapped as he hurried past Andy and Katie. 

“Watch your tone, Robert,” his Dad’s voice boomed as he walked up the porch stairs. “You haven’t eaten yet,” he looked at the food in Robert’s hands. “I told you no skiving.”

“Dad, I had too…”

“No excuses, you eat that get up to the field.”  

Andy laughed, and Robert glared at him and stalked toward the backyard. He found Mark leaning against the old oak tree, facing the sprawling field instead of the house. “Aaron found ya, alright?”

“Course he did, kid always knows where you are — or aren’t…” Mark shook his head. 

“What?”

Mark laughed. “He follows you around.”

“No…he’s just is always sent to find us…” Robert handed him his glass and his sandwich.

“Uh, what is this?” Mark asked grossed out. 

“Just eat it, it’s all we’re getting.”

“Aaron said you were making food.”

“Yeah, for them, so they wouldn’t starve. This is what we’re stuck with.”

“Yeah, well, guess I’m starving…” he dropped the plate on the ground. 

Robert sighed and leaned next to him against the tree. “At least drink the lemonade.”

Mark made a face as he did. “You didn’t make this, did ya?”

“No, why?”

“Drink it.”

Robert took a gulp and spat it out.  

Mark laughed. 

“Do you think he added any sugar?” Robert groused. “Surprised the kids didn’t tell me.”

“Being bratty kids, most like…”

Robert laughed and dumped it into the grass by his feet, Mark following is lead. He took the dishes and pushed them over to the side, for later. He leaned against the tree. “This break sucks, and now it’s over.”

“Isn’t over yet,” Mark said.

Robert sighed. “We’ve gotta…” he lost his voice because Mark was suddenly in front of him, right in his space, and his hands slid onto his waist. His breath hitched. Mark's eyes ducked down to his mouth, and a split second later, Robert felt lips against his. He opened his mouth in surprise, and Mark’s lower lip slotted between his own and pressed harder. Robert felt stunned, it was his first kiss, and it was a boy. His hands flew up to Mark’s chest, ready to push him away, but he didn’t get the chance.  

“I…” Mark stuttered as he took a small step back. “I…that was…okay,” he asked, and he looked scared.  

Robert knew the feeling, but he also knew the minute Mark pulled back he wanted to feel his mouth again. It felt good, and it overpowered the voice telling him he couldn’t kiss a boy. He wanted to kiss a boy. He looked right at Mark and nodded his head because he couldn’t trust his voice. His hands were still on his chest, so he grabbed Mark’s shirt and pulled him by it. Mark’s mouth fell on his again, and this time Robert pressed back… It felt amazing, it felt good, and he wanted to hold onto the feeling for as long as he could.  

Only a tree branch cracking yanked him back to reality. The two of them jumped apart, and Robert felt terrified it was going to be his dad or Andy. They couldn’t know, they just couldn’t know. He liked riling them up, he was doing it on purpose as much as he could — but this, no they couldn’t know. His heart was in his mouth. 

But then his eyes found Aaron and relief flooded him. He glanced at Mark, to share it but found him looking scared and glancing between Aaron and him, nervously, his eyes full of panic. Robert looked back at Aaron, who was staring at them both with wide eyes and looking both confused and curious. Robert took a deep breath, knowing he had to take control of this situation.  

“Aaron, you can’t tell anyone.” 

Nothing in Aaron’s expression shifted, but his head bobbed up and down. It was a clear yes, and Robert felt another flood of relief and nodded back at Aaron.  

 “I need to hear him say it,” Mark said. 

“He won’t…” Robert defended because he was certain. 

“Robert, he’s a kid…”

“I don’t grass,” Aaron snapped. “I won’t tell…but um, he wanted me to find you two and tell you to get up to the fence.”

Robert sighed but nodded at Aaron. “Of course, he did… Andy still sitting with Katie?”

Aaron nodded.

“Fine, tell him we’re going up there, alright, thanks.”

“Robert,” Mark snapped. 

Robert looked at his worried face and shook his head. “He won’t tell.”

“But…”

Robert went to ask Aaron to promise it, just to shut Mark up, but Aaron was already gone. Which was for the best, really. “He’s not gonna tell.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Cause…It’s Aaron,” he said, but he heard it and rolled his eyes at himself. “I just know, alright. He barely speaks anyway, and he’s a Dingle.”

“I still don’t know what that means.”

“Doesn’t matter…” Robert felt himself blushing as his eyes fell to Mark’s mouth again. “He won’t tell, all right. I’ll talk to him about it again if that’ll make you feel better.” 

Mark nodded. 

“Alright. Um, head up to the fence and get started, while I take the dishes inside.”

Mark nodded again, but he didn’t leave, and he swayed a bit closer to Robert. “Was nice…” he whispered. 

Robert licked his lips and nodded. He felt the impulse to lean forward and kiss him again but stopped himself. “Go.”

Mark laughed and headed off. Robert followed him with his eyes until he disappeared around the edge of the house. He leaned against the trunk of the tree, feeling the need to try to catch his breath. He tried process being kissed. Having his first kiss. He could feel the ghost of it on his lips, the feeling of Mark’s hands on his waist, his own on Mark’s chest. And he couldn’t stop smiling, but there was another nagging thought. He’d always imagined his first kiss would a be a girl. He never thought about it being a boy…. Not until Mark, who made him feel that buzzing under his skin. Who told him he was great and wanted to spend time with him. It’s wrong, he thought, liking this, liking him. It’s wrong....  

But a piece of him was happy he never imagined kissing a boy because nothing would have beaten the truth of it. It was good. Real good. It felt amazing. Mark made him feel amazing, and he liked it.

It wouldn’t hurt, right, for one summer to do something like be with a boy. It didn’t have to mean anything at all. He'd been sad and alone until Mark showed up at the farm. This felt good. Could it really be that wrong? 

“Robert,” Aaron interrupted his thoughts as he came walking back around the house. “He’s getting mad.”

He swore under his breath, nodded, and fell into step behind Aaron. They made it halfway back to the house when he remembered what he promised Mark. He put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder and stopped him. Then he moved around him and bend down to his level and met his eyes. “I meant it. You can’t tell, you won’t, right?” 

Aaron nodded, and Robert believed him…but. “Aaron, promise?”

“Robert, he gets mad ya for no reason…. I’m not gonna make it worse on ya.” 

Robert blinked. 

“I promise,” Aaron added with a small shrug taking his silence for worry. 

But Robert wasn’t worried, he’d never had been… But he’d missed why he wasn’t worried, and now he knew.  

Aaron was on his side.  

~~~

Robert looked up from where he had his head down on the kitchen table when he heard the door open. For the first time since he met him, he felt disappointment at seeing Mark, who looked awkward, standing in the door frame, hands in his pockets, almost like he wasn’t sure if he should come in. 

Robert didn’t blame him, he’d witnessed one hell of a fight between him and his dad. Everyone had, except Andy — Robert guessed there were small favors. But the fight had been about Andy. Because Andy was off with Katie — again. It was like Andy kept getting permission to skive off while Robert was expected to be chained to the farm. He deserved to live a life too, and he deserved it more than Andy because he hadn’t killed Mum. 

And it was the bloody barn, where she died screaming, and he could still hear those screams. He woke up hearing them, every night, and he couldn’t look at that barn. It didn’t matter that it looked different now, all new wood and a newer design. It didn’t hide what it was to him. He looked at it, and he saw his mother dying, and he had to run from it. He had to tear his eyes away. He refused to have anything to do with it — and had been punished for it and stuck on the worst duties and lectured. But he thought it was over, the fight to keep away from it. He thought he’d won that battle.  

But not only was Andy out with Katie, his father expected him to do Andy’s chores for the day, which included staining that barn. Staining the barn his mum died in. He said no, and Jack lectured him, talking about how he’d been skiving too much the entire summer… And Robert just couldn’t take that lie anymore, because it wasn’t true. It just wasn’t true at all. He’d been mending fences, mucking stalls, feeding the lambs, cooking breakfast, tea, supper, doing the shopping, and taking care of Victoria, Aaron, and Adam. He’d been cleaning and doing laundry. He fought to make time for himself, time for him to breathe, to enjoy being with Mark. There was no way he been skiving the summer away, and there was no way he was staining that barn. He couldn’t do it, he could be in the place where his mum took her last breathe. Where he heard her dying, he couldn’t do it. His whole body and mind shuddered at the thought  

So he raised hell. He shouted in front of his sister, Aaron, Adam, and Mark about Andy killing mum — he didn’t care anymore, he wasn’t keeping it a secret. His so-called-brother killed his mum, and he was never going near that barn. He hated the entire farm, he hated the house, he hated his dad. He yelled at his dad, screamed how he hated him, and would never forgive him, blamed him for his mum too… 

But instead of shouting back, his dad got eerily quiet. He waited Robert out, and eventually, Robert just lost his breath, lost his voice, and was fighting to stop himself from crying. The moment he fell quiet, his father struck the final blow and informed Robert in a calm voice, disappointment lacing every single word that if Robert didn’t do as he was told, he would no longer have the privilege of going to the library on Sunday.  

It’d felt like a punch to the gut, and he wanted to scream again, but he couldn’t. His voice was gone, but his anger wasn’t. His anger flared up in his gut, and it burned brighter because it was a low blow. It was the worst thing his father could do, and Jack Sugden new it. He knew it would cut Robert, he knew it was cruel. Robert saw his dad flinch right after he said — like he’d just destroyed himself and not his son. The library was the only thing he had left. It was the only real thing he had left of his mother. They always had reading in common, books, and a love for the quiet of the library. Every Sunday, he and his mum had a mother-son date, and he always looked forward to it. And going every Sunday, now, it was one of the only ways he had to feel close to her that didn’t hurt — it didn’t hurt because it was like she was still there and still with him. 

Feeling like he’d been struck, he’d run inside and slammed the door. And no one followed him. After what felt like forever, he’d heard his dad’s truck start up and go down their gravel driveway. He knew it was done. It was over, and if Robert didn’t stain the barn, he’d be punished in the worst possible way — but he couldn’t do it. The thought made him sick. So he was losing her again because the library would be ripped away from him. 

He was alone… 

Except for Mark, though, he was still more outside the house than in it when he spoke again. “Your Dad took the kids to the Bartons…” 

It wasn’t surprising information.

“He said he won’t be back till after sunset…”

Wasn’t it after sunset? He felt like he’d been sitting in the kitchen alone forever. He looked at the clock and saw there were hours yet and felt confused. 

“He said if you don’t help me with the barn, he’ll know…”

“Fuck him,” Robert snapped.

“Rob…” Mark sounded wary. 

“What? WHAT? I’m not doing it, I can’t…”

“But the library?”

Robert felt his chin wobble, and his eyes started to sting. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t, so he slammed his fists on the table and wished he’d never told Mark about the library. He’d only done it because he’d wanted to see him one Sunday, wondering why Robert wouldn’t get the bus to his house. Why had he told him? It wasn’t like they were Andy and Katie? They weren’t dating or anything. It was fun, and it felt good, but it wasn’t real. It was never going to be real. He shouldn’t have told Mark about the library or his mum. He never should have told anyone. 

He heard the sound of chair scraping against the wood and saw Mark sitting as close to him as he could get. “Fine, we won’t do it,” Mark said with a dimpled grin.  

Why was he still here? He felt his anger softening, felt himself become unwilling to take this out on Mark. Not him. He was trying to be there for him, and who did that? Maybe he was being pushy about seeing him off the farm and talking about seeing each other after the summer. Robert knew none of those things could happen, but it was nice to be wanted. To have someone look at him like he mattered. 

“You have too, he’ll fire you.”

“I don’t care…”

“But, you want that computer.”

“I’ve almost saved enough, I’ll ask my grandma for the rest.”

Robert snorted, his grandmother would never help him out. She’d tell him to earn it, tell him to work for it — why was it no one ever gave him anything?  

“And I’ve told you, there are plenty of places in Hotten we can meet up? Some are near the library…”

“I can’t go near that barn…” Robert wiped at his nose.

“Not asking you to, sorry…” Mark sighed. “If you don’t, I don’t… And…”

“And?”

“I can think of things we could do instead of staining a barn.” Mark gave him a soft smile but raised his eyebrows. 
 
Robert laughed, it barked out of him from nowhere. It felt good. It felt nice, and that was what he liked about Mark. That was what was making the summer bearable without his mum. It was how he was surviving his father never seeing the good in him. He and Mark, it felt good, and if he didn’t go stain that barn — they were over after tonight. 

So, yeah, he was up for one last chance to waste away some hours kissing the fit boy, who was sitting in his kitchen trying to cheer him up. He nodded, got up and started to head for the outside door, except Mark grabbed his hand and stopped him short. 

“What?”

“Let’s go to your room,” he said. 

“My room?” Robert’s heart started to pound.

Mark nodded, and Robert felt his cheeks heat, and he nodded. Mark smiled and pulled toward the stairs like he knew exactly where he was going, and Robert couldn’t help but admire the confidence. That was the thing with Mark, he always seemed so sure. Robert never did, but he wished he could. He tried to fake it, and sometimes he thought he fooled people, but it was never enough to fool himself. 

He tugged Mark to the left when they reached the top and pulled him into his bedroom, not worrying about the door. They were alone, and no one was due back for hours.  

It might be nice to kiss not pressed up to a bumpy tree trunk, or hidden a barn stall. He moved toward his bed, intent on pulling Mark down onto it with him, but Mark stopped him and grabbed at Robert’s shirt. Robert nodded and lifted his arms, they'd done this before. It was summer, and they were working in the heat, but it felt more daring up here in his bedroom. 

 He felt goosebumps and hoped they weren’t obvious, hoped it didn’t reveal to Mark he was nervous. He watched Mark take off his shirt, he licked his lips and yanked him into him. They fell onto his bed, laughing into the kiss and felt good. It felt so good. It was different up here, and he’d ended up over Mark, and his hands were slipping lower and lower until they grabbed Robert’s arse. He blushed red because he’d moaned at the touch. Then he moaned again when he realized they could feel each other through their shorts… it made his hips jerk and felt Mark do the same… he got lost in all of it, the new sensations, Mark’s hands, his mouth, and his voice. He kept mumbling into Robert’s ear that he was great…  

Then his bedroom door slammed shut.  

Mark scrambled off the bed and looked around madly for his shirt, but Robert only saw his Dad. Jack Sugden was standing just inside his room, with his mouth a grim line and his fists clenched. Robert was paralyzed with fear. He just lay where he was half on and half on the bed it. He was trapped there, trapped staring at his father and he knew, he knew whatever followed was going to be worse than no library…

Worse than no mother. 

Jack moved then, whip-fast, and he had Mark by the neck and was opening Robert’s bedroom door. “Get out, get out of my house, and don’t you dare ever come back, you here me… I ever see your face around here again you’ll it regret boy.”

He wanted to defend Mark, he wanted to run after them and get his father’s hands off of him. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to take all the blame. It was all his fault. He went along with it. He knew it was wrong. But he’d wanted to feel something. He wanted to feel good. But he couldn’t move the slam of the door downstairs made him flinch. 

That was it, Mark was gone.

And his father was coming.  

He tried to move, the idle thought he should try to run. But it was his fault. Whatever was coming. Whatever punishment he was going to get. It was on him. He’d known. He’d just wanted something for himself, something that made him feel something other than pain.  

Was it worth it?

He heard boots on the stairs, hard leather soles, stomping against the wood. A spike of fear that jolted him, and he really tried to move, but his limbs felt like cement, and he only managed to get up on his elbows. His dad stepped into his room and shut his door with a bang. Jack cleared his throat, his eyes are hard stare, and Robert heard an odd thwack. His eyes fell down to his dad’s hands. And he saw his father’s leather belt in his right hand, folded up and swinging.

 “Dad…” his voice cracked. 

“No son of mine…”

~~~

“Why are you letting him mope around up there… so his mate, quit, who cares?” Andy wasn’t shouting, but his voice carried up the stairwell. “He never stained the barn. He never finished mending the east fence… we’re falling behind, Dad…”

“I’ll deal with it,” Jack said. 

Robert laughed bitterly into his pillow because he hadn’t seen Jack since he’d been leathered, and his bedroom door had slammed shut one final time. Not once had he’d come up to check on him, or to try to look apologetic. It’d been days, and he’d just been left to rot. It just drove it all home — his so-called-Dad hated him. It’d always been true, but Robert finally made the man stop pretending… 

He’d always seen it, Jack's exasperation with him. Jack muttering how he didn’t understand him. Jack shouting and lecturing him at any small excuse. When Mum was alive, she’d get on him, tell him to try harder. Tell him Robert just wanted different things from his life than Andy. She’d guilt him into being a father to his son — Robert had always known. He’d nearly stopped trying after the fire, and now Jack had the perfect excuse to stop altogether.  

Because his son was sick and twisted.  

Jack’s words, as the belt fell. 

Robert wiped his nose on his pillow and refused to cry. He was done with crying. He’d done enough of it during the beating and in the last few days. He was done with it. He was done with all of it. The minute he was old enough, the first moment he could, he was getting out of Emmerdale. And he wasn’t ever coming back. He’d make a plan, and he’d run away. He’d leave for good. They wouldn't’ stop him. Not one of them would care.

 No one was left to care. 

There was a sharp knock on his door, and he hated how he jolted. But it’d be Victoria, and guilt seeped into his thoughts. She’d been bringing him food, balancing it all precariously on some tray she’d found. Burnt toast and cookies. He wondered if his dad or Andy were making her tea and making sure she took a bath, and he hated himself more for not taking care of her.

Only when the door opened, it was his dad — no, Jack. He froze, paralyzed again, terror making his blood rush, and he found himself looking for the belt. But Jack stood just inside the doorway, and he was looking anywhere but at Robert. It almost made Robert laugh. It was too late for guilt, and it probably wasn’t real anyway. But somehow it calmed him, and he managed to sit up, and it made his back sting and his eyes water. 

“Are you all right?” Jack spoke, but he still wouldn’t meet his eyes.  

“I’m peachy,” Robert snapped and immediately regretted it because fear swirled up in his stomach. 

“Robert…” Jack sounded tired. 

“What? Want to make sure I’ll be quiet?”

Jack looked at him then, but he looked surprised. And Robert realized the thought hadn’t even occurred to him. He wasn’t frightened of Robert telling anyone. And why should he? Who would believe Jack Sugden’s black sheep anyway?  

“That’s not it, Robert… I want to…” Jack shook his head. “I’m sorry…but…”

 “But…” Robert echoed and wished it didn’t hurt. 

“That boy led you astray, I should’ve seen it sooner…. But I was happy you were smiling again.” Jack shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left him alone with you, and you got your head turned.”

“I didn’t…” Robert shook his head because it wasn’t Mark’s fault — it was him. He’d known it was wrong but… 

“You did, boy,” Jack snapped. “I was too hard on you, I know. But you gotta see that… that’s no way to be, son.”

“Like you care about me.”

“Of coure I care about you, I don’t understand you…but you’re my son…”

“Andy’s your son,” Robert snapped. “Who cares about me, the actual firstborn.”

“That’s not fair, Robert?”

Robert laughed. “Not fair! He killed MUM, and you’ve never…” he couldn’t say it. 

“I’m tired, Robert…” Jack sighed. “And I haven’t slept.”

“Me either.”

Jack looked away at that. “I was wrong…but…. You know what you did was wrong, son.” 

Robert felt sick.  

“You will never do it again, you hear me?”

Robert nodded and hated himself for it. 

“And no more skiving…” Jack added as if that mattered. He stood up and walked to the door. “And no more hiding in this room, people are talking…”

“Fine, Jack.”

Jack froze midstep and turned back to him. This time their eyes locked and Robert refused to show any of his pain, he refused to show any of his sadness. He let himself just feel the anger, and for the first time he admitted to himself it felt like fire. It felt like the fire that ripped his mother from him. It burned under his skin, it scorched his bones, and it wasn’t ever leaving him. It could never leave. He stared right back at Jack but was surprised at the shame he saw etched in his expression and the pain his eyes.  

Jack nodded his head. “Maybe I deserve it boy…” he muttered, but then his fist curled. “But you bury it, Robert… or I will throw you out… Be up at dawn like you’re meant to be, tomorrow. Understood.”

Robert felt himself nod again, and when the door closed he lost all the anger that held upright. He still felt the inner fire, but the anger was gone. The hatred he felt for Jack hurt… it hurt him. It hurt to hate him. It hurt to be alone. He collapsed down under the weight of it all. His eyes stung, and chin wobbled, and he was going to cry again, but this time for his father, not his mum.  

He had no parents. 

Jack Sugden was never gonna love him, not like he loved Andy. Not like he loved Victoria. He’d lost his dad the night his mum died. He lost them both. He’d lost the man who used to try to understand him. Who used to laugh and offer to listen to the plot of his favorite show or the book his reading. It felt like a lifetime since he’d seen that father. 

Jack leathered him, and Robert hated himself for it. He wanted his father. He’d just wanted his father to see him and like him. He wanted his father to like being around him. Like he did with Andy. Want him to care about him. He wanted him to want good things for him. He wanted his father to protect him. Like he always did for Andy.  

That hope was dead. That wish would never come true. He’d let Jack down one time too many. He’d allowed a boy to kiss him. He’d allowed himself to want a boy — he knew it was wrong, but it hadn’t felt wrong. It felt good, and he’d like Mark. He made him laugh. Sometimes he made him forget his mum was gone and never coming back.  

Robert cried. 

He was an orphan.

And tomorrow he would start pretending everything was fine.

~~~

It wasn’t easy pretending. 

But Jack made it look easy. He just barked the same orders at him, kept him busy working on the farm, and told him he was grounded for skiving too much. The only sign it had happened was that he never looked directly at Robert. Their eyes never met, and Robert knew that would never change. But no one would know, it wasn’t noticeable on the surface, and since no one cared about Robert — no one would look deep enough to see it.  
 
He felt numb most of the time. Going through the motions of the day. Living the hell of farm work that Robert had hated since he was ten years old. Getting called lazy and spoiled by Andy. The hard graft wasn’t the problem, but that wasn’t ever going to be understood. He wanted to punch Andy, he wanted to hurt Andy, he couldn’t look at Andy.  

But Jack could, and Andy and Jack would laugh and joke around all day, as they worked. They talked easy and free, and Robert could see the pride in Jack’s eyes whenever he looked at his real son — the one he chose above Robert. He also kept giving Andy more and more time off to spend with Katie. Complete with comments about how great young love was, pointed and loudly whenever Robert was in the room — all the while avoiding looking at him directly 

It stung, not that he thought he loved Mark. He’d liked him. He’d wanted him. Enough to ignore it was wrong. Because it felt good. He knew a piece of him would never regret it, but he was trying anyway. He wanted to regret it, and that was an uncomfortable pit in his stomach that got heavier and heavier. The more his father ignored him, the more his father kept getting on his back over nothing. The more Jack was nice to Andy…  

He wanted his dad to be nice to him. And it was twisting things up inside of him. Everything Jack said and did was making him resent Andy more and more … it wasn’t just the favoring, it was the comparing. Jack was clear, he was comparing his sons and one was lacking. He would never measure up to perfect Golden Andy, and it made him feel more and more alone.  

It made him miss Mark, then he’d berate himself for it. He'd tell himself over and over that it was a mistake. It was a mistake. Mark was a mistake. He wasn’t really like that…and he wasn’t — he liked girls. He did, and that meant he’d let himself do something wrong. Just to feel, he kept shutting up the voice that told him that it hadn’t felt wrong. Because it was and he’d known. He was only doing it for the summer — Jack wasn’t meant to ever find out.  

He’d done it to feel less alone. He’d done it because Mark liked him for he was and didn’t try to turn into someone he wasn’t. But every time he moved, his back hurt. Doing the farm work hurt. His back was healing, but it was slow, and it stung and itched. He kept trying to look at it in the mirror, willing the crisscrossed wounds not to scar. He didn’t think they would, they seemed shallow, and they hadn’t festered. 

But Robert kept waking up at night, terrified after having dreams he shouldn’t about Mark. He wanted to stop missing him, so the dreams would stop. He woke up sweating and afraid, the thwack of a belt in his ears. He told himself it would stop. Mark’s memory would fade along with the bruises.

“Aren’t you hot?”

Robert jolted and nearly fell off the fence he was sitting on. Everyone else was on break. The day was unusually hot to the point it had even gotten to Jack. He’d dragged them out to the pond on the edge of the land and told everyone to have at it and have a swim. Robert wondered if Jack even remembered that he couldn’t take his shirt off… he was burning up from the sun and not from Aaron Dingle’s stare.  

“No,” he lied.

“What happened to Mark?” 

“You know,” Robert muttered. 

“He didn’t skive — much… less than Andy does.” 

He snorted at that because Andy didn’t skive, he was just allowed to be a sixteen-year-old kid with a girlfriend. Robert half wondered if he found a girl to date if Jack would look at him again.  

Aaron climbed up onto the fence next to him. Robert glanced at him. “Why aren’t you swimming with Vic and Adam?”

Aaron shrugged. “Katie’s noisy.” 

Robert laughed because, as Aaron spoke, Katie let out a squeal and shouted Andy’s name in mock and highly annoying anger. “Yeah…” 

“Do you miss him?”

“No,” he lied.

“But you and he…weren’t you like Andy and Katie?”

“What? No,” Robert shook his head. “Forget what you saw alright, it was nothing but a mistake.”

Aaron frowned. 

“AARON,” Adam yelled from the edge of the pond. “We found frogs!” 

“Sorry, Mark’s gone,” Aaron said before he hopped off the fence. 

“Whatever…” Robert scoffed, but his eyes started to hurt, and he felt his chin wobble. He was a mistake. A mistake. 

~~~

 Robert yawned as he walked down the hall and poked his head into Victoria’s room. The boys were on her floor, and all three were out cold, Robert wasn’t surprised given all the running and swimming they’d done all day. While he worked under a burning sun with a shirt stuck to his healing back. He stretched a bit and winced as he felt skin pulling. He hadn’t even changed, having gone right from chores to having to entertain and watch the kids. Other kids his age were probably the ones on sleepovers, or out with girls — like Andy. But he was stuck on this farm. His own living hell. He felt another pang in his chest and refused to think about Mark.  

Instead, he walked toward his bedroom and started to peel off his shirt. The fabric sticking to his wounds. He winced at the sting, but the air felt a bit nice on it, it was cooler out now, and a gentle breeze was floating in his window. He stood in front of his bureau and tried to look at his back in the mirror on the wall behind it. The bruising was finally starting to look better rather than worse, but everything else was the same as the night before. He needed them to fade away because he could pretend everything was fine better if there was no more reminder.  

Sighing, he rummaged in his draws for something to wear to bed. He found an old ratty t-shirt that was softer than most and a pair of blue boxers. He stepped out of his room and turned toward the bathroom but stopped still when he heard a familiar voice gasp out his name.

“Robert,” Aaron repeated, and he heard footsteps, and then he was looking at wide and afraid blue eyes that were filling with tears. “Did…did…”

“No,” he hissed. “No.”

“He did…” Aaron ignored him.

“No,” Robert repeated, but he was back there… He was being hit again, and the world seemed black and fuzzy. He winced as the memory of the belt hit him, and his face felt weird and wet. 

“Robert?” there was a small voice, and he felt something touch his hand, and he flinched, and the world spun back into focus. Aaron was looking up at him, chewing his lower lip and his hand touching Robert’s.  

“Aaron…” he felt familiar words on his tongue. “You can’t tell.”

But this time, Aaron shook his head. 

He grabbed Aaron’s hand and yanked him into his bedroom and shut the door. He leaned against it and tried to catch his breath and stared at Aaron, his mind scrambling on how to stop him from telling. It would make things worse, he was sure it would make things worse. No one could know it happened, no one could ever know any of it happened. 

“He found out, didn’t he,” Aaron said. “That’s really why Mark’s gone.”

Robert shut his eyes.  

“He hit ya...” Aaron’s voice broke. 

“Aaron, shut up,” Robert snapped. 

“He hit ya,” Aaron repeated. 

Robert’s eyes flew open to Aaron wiping his eyes. “You can’t tell,” he said again.  

“But…”

“I know he hit me,” he blurted, and it made him feel cold. “Alright, but…but I was wrong.” 

Aaron shook his head. 

“I was wrong.”

“No,” Aaron said.

“Aaron, you don’t understand, you can’t understand any of this…”

“Yes, I do, and it was wrong when…when…my dad…”

Robert’s heart sank, and he shook his head. He couldn’t stop shaking his head. “No, no, my dad, my dad is nothing like yours, that didn’t happen…. It’s nothing like that.”

“He told me I was bad too…”

“But I was, Aaron, I was…”

“No…”

“Yes….” Robert sank down to the floor. “I was wrong, Mark was a mistake, it was all wrong,” his face screwed up against his will, and tears started to fall. 

“He hit ya…”

“Stop saying it,” Robert sobbed. “Aaron, Aaron, please, please… it won’t help me, it’ll just make it worse if you say anything… I just, I got bury it, and we’ll just go on. You can’t tell, please, please…” 

Aaron chewed on his lip. 

“Promise, please, Aaron…”

“It’s not your fault…that’s what I've been learning, that it wasn’t my fault.”

“I told ya, that’s different.”

Aaron frowned. 

“Please, Aaron… he’s not a monster.”

“He’s mean... To ya anyway.”

Robert laughed at the bitter truth of that. “But he’s not. I just need to bury it, but you can't tell, you can’t… it’ll hurt Vic, Aaron. It won’t help, I just want to bury it… I’m not gonna make the same mistake.”

Aaron moved to sit next to him, Robert felt the slight weight of him against his arm and leaned his head back against the door and tried to catch his breath, tried to stop crying. But he couldn’t, and he felt vulnerable and embarrassed and afraid.  

“Okay,” Aaron said, his voice small. 

“Yeah…” Robert breathed out in relief.

“Only if he never hits ya again.”

“He won’t… gonna bury it, it won’t….” Robert nodded and willed himself to stop shaking. But it took a while, a long while, and Aaron just sat next to him the entire time. They didn’t speak. Everything important had already been said. An hour, or more later, Robert stood up on shaky feet and mumbled at Aaron to go to bed. Then he crawled into his own, but he didn't sleep…

Instead he chanted bury it like a prayer until the sun rose. 

**

**

Robert Nineteen, Aaron Fifteen

Aaron

Aaron was late getting to the farm. The truth was he'd dawdled back home, after dropping off the school stuff he didn't need to bring with him. Though the backpack on his shoulder was still laden down with books. He was hoping Robert would help him with his maths again, seemed the only way he could halfway understand it. And maybe it was the only reason he was showing up at all because it just wasn't fun anymore -- it wasn't even summer, yet and he was already hating it. The paycheck was a perk, but it wasn't much, and it would probably take to the end of summer to get all the CDs he wanted. But this was the only job offer out there for him. He was jealous of Adam. He was working both his parent's farm and the Sugden's and rubbing his nose in about his extra money. Adam only talked his parents into it, so he could spend more time with Victoria. 

Which was part of the problem, Victoria and Adam were joined at the hip lately, making weird faces at each other and sneaking off to kiss whenever her dad and brothers weren't looking. Leaving Aaron to play lookout, at least that was when they remembered he was even there. It wasn't that he dreaded it. It just made him feel -- left out. He felt like he was missing something they had, and there were tons of confused thoughts in his head about it.  

As he walked closer, he caught sight of them on the porch, sitting on the swinging bench that'd been set up by Katie and Andy when they got married. The two sitting close and chattering. They were probably talking about nothing, that's all they seemed to do lately. Aaron wondered what was so great about nothing? He started up the porch steps and wondered when they'd notice him. How long would it take if he just stood there and waited for them to catch on?  

"Dingle,' Jack Sugden's voice boomed behind him. 

Adam yelped a bit despite it not being him Mr. Sugden was shouting at, and Victoria laughed. Aaron rolled his eyes and turned around.  

"Where's Robert?"

Aaron fought against the urge to roll his eyes, not wanting a lecture on it from Mr. Sugden. He'd just gotten here, how was he supposed to know where Robert was? He shook his head. "I just got here."

"Find him... He left the barn a mess, tell him to sort it, or he's working dawn to dusk tomorrow, no college."  

Robert was the only bloke he knew where taking away school was a punishment. He was super smart, smarter than everyone else on the farm. Aaron thought it was dead unfair, Mr. Sugden kept acting like Robert wanting to go university was some sort of betrayal. He dropped his books and walked down the porch steps. Laughing a bit as he heard Mr. Sugden order Adam to go work on the fences in the west field and for Victoria to do her homework. 

The thing was, he was the person to ask to find Robert. He knew all his hiding spots. It came from years of being the messenger, always being sent to find him because his dad or Andy couldn't be bothered to look for themselves. Aaron had never minded. He liked Robert. He still did, though sometimes he wondered why... He could be a real jerk, especially if his dad was being too hard on him. Maybe that was why? Aaron couldn't help feeling for him -- he knew what it was like to have a horrible father. At least the world agreed about his... Robert was always getting shit on for making the great Jack Sugden's life hard.  

He decided to check the far barn first, the one that was falling to pieces, and they never used anymore. Mr. Sugden kept making noise about tearing it down and rebuilding. But it never happened. Aaron pushed the rickety door open, the scent of dirt and damp filling his nose. He thought he heard a noise, so he walked toward it and stopped short at the sight of long blonde hair. He'd found Robert, and he was snogging Katie Sugden -- his brother's wife. It didn't surprise Aaron, but he felt a rush of disappointment. But he watched them, he watched them kissing and how Robert had his hands on her face. It made his face heat up, and he wanted the ground to swallow him. But he couldn't tear himself away from the sight. He told himself to turn around, so he could walk back in, making more noise when Robert's eyes opened. And he was looking right at Aaron -- like he'd known he was there. 

Aaron shrugged and prayed Robert was far enough away not to see him blushing. Robert raised an eyebrow, and Aaron shrugged again and kind of pointed his shoulder toward the main part of the farm. Robert rolled his eyes before closing them and giving his full attention back to Katie. Aaron couldn't help but watch how his palms obscured her completely from Aaron's sight. He felt too hot, and that helped him force himself to head back. He'd delivered the message, Robert knew his dad wanted him -- probably even knew why too. Katie must be why he hadn't sorted things up, he usually never left things messy. Aaron hoped he knew what he was doing with Katie. She was married to his brother -- which explained everything. Aaron rolled his eyes and felt a wave of disappointment. He knew Robert was better, but Robert didn't... Aaron frowned at the thought, and decided to push it away and go ask Mr. Sugden what he wanted him to do for the day. 

~~~

Two hours later, Aaron sat on the porch railing and watched Victoria and Adam talk about nothing. He sighed, realizing they'd forgotten he existed again, and it was boring. It was boring to watch his friends be all into each other -- and it made him uncomfortable. Because he kept getting asked if he liked anyone, his mum kept asking if he'd met any cute girls. Even wondered if he maybe liked Victoria.... Which, no, she was like a sister? Or at least he thought it was that? He looked toward the stairs just as Robert seemed to appear out of nowhere. He was scowling, and Aaron spotted Jack and Andy just over his shoulder as he made it up the porch.  

Robert glanced at him, and then his eyes fell on Adam and Vic. He clenched his jaw at it but turned and just walked into the kitchen. Aaron hoped he wouldn't give Adam a hard time for liking his sister. Aaron glanced at them and realized they hadn't noticed Robert at all. At least it wasn't only him they were ignoring. He hopped off the railing and walked into the kitchen and saw Robert was at the counter, starting to make supper.  

"Are you staying?"

"Yeah," he said and went over to his books. He thought Mr. Sugden was done with him for the day, and his friends were useless. "Can I do homework in here?"

"Go ahead..." Robert shrugged.  

"So...Katie..." Aaron asked after a beat, unable to stop himself. 

"Yeah..." Robert turned and looked at him. "We're good, right?"

Aaron shrugged. "None of my business."

Robert nodded. 

Aaron knew a few of Robert's secrets, really what was one more. This one felt...different than others. Less volatile...which was saying something given Katie was Andy's wife. But she was a girl, and that wasn't unexpected, or strange, or different.  

"Do you like her?"

"Not really."

Aaron felt confused. "But you were..."

"She's pretty, she was there... She's Andy's..." Robert checked the pot of water boiling on the stove.  

"So, it's because of that... Not because you like her?"

"Well, I do like her," Robert answered with a suggestive lilt. 

"But..." It left Aaron's mouth without him meaning to, and he wished he could take it back. Robert was giving a weird look now, and he felt his cheeks heat, and he hurriedly opened his maths book.  

"But what?"

 "Nothing..." Aaron muttered, and he started to read the word problem that was under his nose. He wasn't even sure if it was assigned, but he couldn't look at Robert right now. Catching him with Katie, just reminded him of the first time he'd found Robert snogging someone. Only the first time it'd been that boy, the farmhand that everyone thought got fired for skiving -- only that was the lie Jack Sugden told to protect himself. It was the lie Robert went along with to protect himself. And the lesson was you don't kiss boys -- and that made Aaron's heart sink and his mind reel. Because was that true? If it was... He felt confused and glanced up and realized Robert was looking right at him.  

"Tell me."

Aaron shrugged and hoped Robert would leave it that. 

"Come on, don't do that..." Robert was suddenly sitting down.  

"You really like her?"

"A bit... Andy pissed me off today and..."

"And?"

"Caught her looking at me... You know? And thought I'd see what happened."

"But she's married?"

"Doesn't stop a person, not really..." Robert snorted. 

Aaron rolled his eyes.  

"We're good?" Robert asked again.

"Aren't we always?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah..." He started to stand up. "Aaron?"

"Yeah."

"Maths book is upside down," he said lightly.  

Aaron turned red and quickly flipped right side up and wished he could fall into a hole.  

"Need help?"

"You're cooking."

"I can multi-task... Go on, read them out loud."

"Yeah...alright...nothing better to do...." 

~~~

Aaron was tired from not sleeping. He kept staring up at his ceiling, afraid to fall asleep because he kept dreaming about boys -- nameless, formless boys that were looking at him like Adam looked at Victoria. But they also kissed him, like Robert kissed Katie. It made him sticky, and his heart beat too fast, and it was making him afraid to sleep. But the problem was it was in his head even when he was awake.  

Catching Robert again just reminded him of the first time... That farmhand and him, out by the tree. They were always out by the tree, pressed behind it out of sight, and snogging every time they took a break. Maybe Aaron caught them more than once, but he hadn't let on, and after a while, he'd managed to shut down his curiosity about it. But it was back now, and he couldn't push it away. Because things were crashing down all around him.  

Every mate he had was on and on about a girl. And he was running out of answers for when they asked him. He wished he could say he liked Victoria, but Adam and her were snogging and holding hands. And he couldn't use her as a cover. People were going to figure it out, they were going to find out he was strange and different and wrong. He needed to figure this out, he needed to change it. He needed to like girls...

Robert did it, didn't that mean he could? 

~~~

School was becoming unbearable. He was more and more afraid his friends would realize he wasn't like them. That there was a reason, he wasn't crowing about how many girls he snogged, or why he didn't find Lucy pretty but sometimes caught himself staring at her brother Chris. He always realized he was doing it too late, looking at boy and would have to glance away quickly, terrified someone may have seen. Then there was Ross Barton -- who hated him and Aaron didn't understand why. He kept shoving him and picking fights with him -- and he promised his mum he wouldn't start any fights like he used too when he was a kid, and his dad was still in his head. Ross was why he'd missed the bus, he'd seen him sneering through the windows and just frozen. And before he knew it, the bus was gone and he was stuck walking home. 

His feet hurt, he was tired -- cause he wasn't sleeping -- and he was thirsty. His books felt like bricks, and it was getting later and later. His mum was probably worried, and he realized too late, he should have called her to pick him up. But he hadn't wanted to explain why she'd want to get involved and call the school or Ross' parents -- things guaranteed to just make it worse.  

His mum wouldn't be the only one mad at him, Mr. Sugden would be too... He kept lecturing him and Adam how they were working for him now, not just playing about on the farm. He'd docked Adam's pay more than once -- not that it hurt Adam, he had his parents allowances too. But Aaron didn't, and he really wanted those CDs, and he wanted to save some money. He wasn't sure why, it just felt like a thing to do, to take care of himself. He knew Robert did it -- and he didn't like to think about why Robert did it.

Almost like he conjured him, Aaron suddenly heard a familiar beep and turned around to see Robert's car coming toward him fast. He passed him but pulled to the side of the road into a layby. Aaron felt his feet move quicker, the prospect of sitting down felt amazing, only when he got to the passenger side door, he realized someone was already sitting there.  

"Get in the back," Robert said.

Aaron climbed in and tried not to be disappointed, mostly because he wasn't really sure why he was disappointed. He shrugged at Robert and knew he'd understand it was a thank you.  

"We don't have time for this," the guy in the passenger seat said. 

"Will, I can't let him walk all the way to my farm," Robert said, as he pulled out of the road. 

"Rob, you promised we'd..." The guy trailed off. 

"We will, okay..."

"Better..." Will grumbled.

"Have I ever let you down..." Robert's voice sounded weird to Aaron, it almost sounded sincere, but it just wasn't quite there. His eyes went to the bloke -- Will -- and widened when he saw the guy fall for it.  

"Not yet... Don’t start..."

"You can trust me," Robert laughed, his voice still all wrong. 

Aaron slouched down in his seat and looked up at the ceiling. He wondered if maybe he wasn't better off walking. He'd seen this Robert before, this was the Robert who was sneaking around with Katie at the farm for the past month. He would sent her sweet smiles and be sickly nice to her right in front of Andy. Who remained oblivious, and Katie seemed to eat it up. And it was all lies. Aaron didn't understand it, and it made him uncomfortable. Because he knew Robert, the real Robert underneath all the anger. He didn't like the charmer he pretended to be, and it worried him he was doing it now with a bloke. It made his stomach churn. Maybe he would've been better off on the bus with Ross.

~~~

Ross Barton found out about his father. 

Aaron tried to keep his head down and ignore it. Ignore Ross' taunts and his shoves. He wouldn't give in, and he wouldn't let his father back into his head. Or he tried not to, but he got in there, where he lived, where he stayed -- it was never completely gone. And made his uncomfortable dreams about boys and snogging and touching darker and meaner. He would wake up crying and feeling broken.  

~~~

The farm was doing him in, he couldn't stop yawning, and Mr. Sugden kept yelling at him for slacking off and accusing him of being lazy. Andy would tell him to lay off, but he'd call him a kid. He wasn't a kid, though, he really wasn't, and he was fifteen, and he hurt inside. He needed a break, he couldn't see straight, and he just ran off toward the house. He needed food or something to drink, maybe that would make everything less hazy. Maybe that would help push all the thoughts in his head escape out of his brain. 

He pushed open the doors to the kitchen just in time to see Katie slapping Robert. He winced as he watched a bright red spot form on Robert's cheek. They both jumped when they saw him, and Katie shouted something, Aaron didn't even hear it, but he knew it was a lie. Katie hadn't slapped Robert over something mundane. It was about the affair they'd been having under everyone noses... 

It'd been weeks now, Aaron was somewhat surprised Robert hadn't revealed it all to Andy in a smug flourish -- he was fairly sure Robert wanted them to be caught -- he wasn't' hiding their snogging half as well as he should be -- Aaron wasn't stupid. He’d caught them too many times, and it was starting to feel like a curse. Last time he'd been sent to find Robert, he'd almost sent Adam. He didn't want more evidence of what Robert looked like when he kissed.  

"You better not be here, when I get back," Katie shouted and stormed out. 

"It's MY HOUSE KATIE..." Robert shouted. "More than it'll ever be yours...mine," Robert shouted after her, then he glanced at Aaron and sighed.  

"Need ice?"  

"No, it just stings a bit, had worse..." Robert muttered. "What you doing in here?"

"I need a drink," he muttered.

Robert was staring at him, weirdly. "You okay," he asked, and his hand landed on Aaron's face. Aaron stiffened, his mind flying to how Robert held Katie's face when he kissed her, and he felt his cheeks heat. Robert's hand moved to his forehead, and he shook his head. "Guess you feel normal... You look awful, though."  

"Just tired..." He muttered. "What was the lover's quarrel about?"

"You've got a mouth," Robert laughed. "She's developing a conscience and seems to think all this is just me... I pointed out she's the one who dropped her panties."

Aaron blushed at the crudity.  

"Yeah, it didn't go well... It’s nothing, she'll get over it and come back. Always does." Robert walked over to the kitchen table and opened his bag, which was sitting on it. "I need to study anyway, Will's coming over, and we're going over these history practice tests. Dad went off again about how he's not going to pay for university, but I'm not giving up."  

Aaron nodded. He'd heard one or two fights about it. "But how?"

"I'll figure it out. There are scholarships and stuff, if I have to forge his name on something, I will."

"Robert, he'll get mad," Aaron's voice went too high, but fear was flooding him.... It didn't happen often, but sometimes when he saw Mr. Sugden and Robert fight, his mind would flash to the lashes he'd seen on Robert's back. The bruises Robert swore him to keep quiet about it, crying and looking so small as he sat on the floor of his room. He had never seen Robert so small and lost and sad. He never wanted to see it again. 

"Aaron?" Robert's voice was loud. "Aaron..." His hand was on his shoulder. 

Aaron flinched. 

"Where did you go?" Robert asked. 

"Nowhere," Aaron lied. 

Robert's eyes studied him, Aaron felt squirmy under it, and he didn't like the concern at all. But then Robert's gaze shifted closer to normal, and he nodded. "Okay, I'm feeding ya..."

"What?"

"Sit..." He pushed Aaron to a chair. "I have some time before Will get's here and you looked dead on your feet. Gonna cook you some tea, then we're gonna call Chas to pick you up after you eat it okay?"

"But the farm, your dad..."

Robert shrugged. "I'll tell him you're sick."

Aaron swallowed. 

Robert gave him a weird look but turned away and turned on the stove. 

~~~

Two days later, it was Mr. Sugden who sent him into the house after he dazed out in the middle of mucking out a stall. He told Aaron he looked peaky and to go inside and have a lie down. Aaron wanted to argue, but his head felt swimmy. He'd gotten no sleep, and Ross Barton been in his face all day and saying horrible things he couldn't bear to think. He felt heavy on his feet and thought maybe if he could fall asleep, he might not dream at all. 

When he opened the kitchen door, Robert and that bloke Will turned and looked at him. Their eyes widened at the sight of him, and Aaron realized he must look awful. Robert was touching his face again, and Aaron was so tired he just leaned into it for a second until he realized what he was doing. It jolted him awake enough to speak. "Your dad told me to lie down."

"Dad? My dad?" Robert asked. 

"Yeah."

"Ok... Let’s do what he said, then." Robert's hands were heavy and strong on his shoulders and guided him into the living and helped him settle onto the couch. Complete with pulling a blanket over him. "Want something to drink?"

Aaron shrugged. 

"I'll get you a lemonade," he muttered and took a pillow of the nearby rocking chair. "Use this, alright."

Aaron nodded and buried his face into it. It felt cool on his skin, and the world seemed less tilted. 

"What's he doing here?" he heard Will snap from the kitchen, and his voice felt like it went right through his head. Aaron grabbed the crocheted blanket Robert given him and pulled it over his head.  

"He's sick," Robert said, and Aaron heard him turn on the faucet, which meant Robert was making the lemonade for him, and he pressed his hot cheek to the pillow again.  

"You said that last time, he's always fucking around, Rob..." 

 "Did ya see him, Jack sent him inside... He’s sick, so shut it."

"Just tired of your little shadow..."

"He's not a shadow," Robert huffed, and Aaron nodded into the pillow. He wasn't at all. That couldn't be true, could it, and Aaron suddenly felt restless and heavy at the same time. He tried to sit up, but his head spun around and felt like he might get sick. So he turned to his side, hoped for the best, and kept his eyes open afraid closing them would make everything spin. 

 "He's been here exactly once while you were..."

"No, he's always hovering about, whenever I'm over here, and the car ride."

"Why are you being a drama queen..." Robert snapped, and Aaron could see him by the sink, lemons, and the pitcher behind him. He had a knife his hand as he threw his hands up in annoyance at Will. 

"Because I wanna be alone with you," Will hissed. 

Aaron felt his stomach drop. No? No?  

"Not here, not here..." Robert turned toward the kitchen door. "I've told ya, don’t do this now..." 

"When, Rob, it's been a week..."  

"Shh...Aaron...." Robert looked panicked. 

"Exactly, my point... Built-in fucking chaperone, hiding us here where you won't even look at me, Rob... I wanna be with my boyfriend."

Boyfriend? Something spiked in Aaron's blood, and suddenly he felt wide awake. Robert still liked boys? He hadn't stopped? He was with Will? While he snuck around with Katie? Aaron didn't know what do with his, his heart was hammering and he couldn't stop staring at Robert. He looked pale, and his eyes were wide and kept glancing in the direction Mr. Sugden was in. 

"Don't..." Robert warned and Aaron started to get up, he felt a need to go to Robert, to stop something, not that he understood what, but then Will was blocking Robert from his sight. He'd yanked Robert into him and kissed him hard on the mouth. Aaron froze and expected Robert to shove him away, he had to shove him away. But Robert kissed him back, and his hands went under Will's shirt, and Aaron's eyes widened as he saw Will's hand go for Robert's waistline.  

Aaron tried to open his mouth, but he couldn't do it, and he couldn't stop watching either. He felt more awake than he had in days, but his whole body was spinning, his mind was full of too much more information.  

"No, no..." Robert shoved Will away all of a sudden. "We can't."

"We can go to your room."

"NO," Robert panicked. "NO. We're not... I'M NOT GAY. YOU AREN'T MY BOYFRIEND. GET OUT. OUT!" He grabbed Will and shoved him out of the kitchen door, slamming it behind him and locking it. He leaned against the door, his breathing erratic, and then quickly refastened his pants before glancing into the living room. Aaron met his stare and was certain the panic he saw in Robert's was mirrored in his own. 

He leaned back on the couch and pulled the stupid blanket up and around him. He felt cold, and his brain was full of all the questions he never allowed himself to ask Robert. Every single one of them playing in his mind, over and over again. And he couldn't take his eyes off of Robert. He was still at the door, he'd looked away from Aaron though and was peeking through the windows on the door.  

"Did he leave?"

Robert nodded and let out a long breath. He straightened his pants on his hips and shirt, buttoning up the top buttons again. Aaron wondered how clothes could get rumpled so fast -- it all seemed to happen in seconds. Robert walked to the counter and poured two glasses of lemonade. Then he was sitting on the couch next to Aaron and handing a glass. 

"Drink, not too fast."

Aaron lifted it up and realized his hand was shaking. He glanced at Robert as he drank and thought he looked too pale. All his freckles looked stark, and he was breathing through his mouth. It reminded him of that night when he realized Robert wasn't really all that much older than him. It all came back to him now because Robert looked sad and ready to fly away. He looked like he wanted to run.  

"I'm sorry..." Robert breathed.

"What?"

He sighed and looked at Aaron. "You're always here."

"Don't mean to be..."

"I know that, who'd choose..." Robert sighed. "I was meant to bury it."

"Boys?"

"Yeah..."

"What if you can't?"

"Does it look like I did?"

"There's Katie..." Aaron whispered.

Robert smiled, just a flicker, but it was a real smile before it just faded away. "I really like her...which is messed up..." He muttered. 

"'Cause of Andy?"

"Everything..." Robert sighed. 

"Were you and he...together?"

Robert nodded. "It meant more to him."

"Why?"

""I can't... Let it go past just feeling good."

"Does it?" Aaron asked. 

"What?"

"With a guy... It feels good?"

Robert stared at him and shook his head. "Aaron, I'm not giving you the sex talk."

Aaron blushed and shook his head. 'That wasn't..."

"Are you okay?" Robert asked. 

"Are you?"

"No, but...but, something's going on with you? You... You're making yourself sick, Aaron? Have you been sleeping?"

Aaron ducked his head. 

"You aren't, aren't ya?" 

"I can't..."

"Why?"

He wanted to tell him, it almost felt like Robert would be the only person he could tell -- whisper all of it, all the bad and confusing things locked up in his head, causing him have nightmares every night. But he couldn't do it, the words wouldn't form.  

"You don't have to tell..." Robert muttered. 

"I can't..." Aaron bit back a sob and wiped his eyes, knowing Robert wouldn't understand.

"I'll wait." 

Aaron stared at him.

"For when you can," Robert said. "Least, I owe ya, right." 

Aaron nodded. 

Robert sighed and ran his hands over his face.

"Are you gonna try to make up with him?"

"No...can't...can't get caught," Robert inhaled sharply. "He was too needy, anyway, I was just waiting until after the test to drop him, to be honest."

"What about Katie?"  

Robert nudged him. "You like Katie or something?"

"What?" Aaron felt his face screw up at the thought. 

Robert nodded. "Yeah, didn't think so...but you ask about her a lot."

"Just think.."

"What?"

"You're better than that..."

"Better than what?"

"Messing with Andy's marriage," Aaron shrugged.

"No..." He looked down and shook his head. "I'm not."  

 Aaron shook his head. 

Robert stared at him for a bit, then frowned and touched Aaron's forehead. Aaron tried to will himself not to blush, but he did and darted his eyes away from Robert. He felt a hand go into his hair, and Robert was standing up. "Come on..."

"What?"

"You'll never get a nap sleeping down here, go up to my room."

"But I can't...I'm too awake, I'll have a nightmare."

"I'll stay then..." He stopped at the table and started to pick up his books and notebooks. "I'll sit on the floor and study." 

"You'd do that?"

"If you feel safe enough with me."

Aaron shrugged. 

Robert nodded and started toward the stairs. 

"Robert," Aaron blurted. 

"Yeah," he looked back.

Everything got stopped up in his throat again, all the words and things he wanted to say and ask. "I... You’ll wait?"

"For what you can't say?"

Aaron nodded.

"I'll wait."

~~~

Aaron managed to sleep better for a few days, but it’d been the weekend and Monday, Ross Barton was in his face again…. Sometimes Aaron wondered if Ross wanted him to punch him, wanted a fight. He got into a lot of fights with the other students because he was the cocky ringleader of the biggest bullies in the school. Aaron almost did it, a few times, just laid him out — he knew he could. He knew he could take him. But he was afraid of it, afraid of giving in to the violence and the hatred he was feeling — because wasn’t that what his father did? Wasn’t that what Robert’s father had done?  

It was wrong.  

He felt it in his bones. 

He couldn’t be a monster.  

So, he kept his head down and refused to tell Adam and Victoria, why Ross had him shaking by the end of the day. Barton seemed extra cruel, almost desperate for Aaron’s attention. But Aaron refused it, he kept his head down, and he tried to avoid him best he could. He asked for rides home, instead of taking the bus. He walked the long way around the school to get to his classes — what was a few tardy slips.  

Then Ross blabbed. 

To the whole school.

To his bully friends. 

It was the hardest and longest day of Aaron’s life. Either he was getting looked at out of pity, or being accused of all sorts — being sneered at and called awful for being the son of a pedophile. But he tried, he tried not let it get him, but it was useless — and he’d had no choice but to get on the bus. Victoria and Adam tried to flank him, but it was useless. He held Adam back from trying to punch his cousin — Adam shouldn’t get in trouble for him. Ross was the worst on the bus, he managed to corner Aaron and whisper horrible things in his ear…

He couldn’t get them out his of his head, but he tried to pretend the words were never said…. So many wrong things kept jumping to his mind, and he felt ready to crawl out of his skin by the time they got off the bus. He told Vic and Adam to back off and shut up. He didn’t want to talk about it. No, he wasn’t telling his mum or Uncle Cain. He begged them to be quiet. So the group of them fell silent, and he followed Adam and Victoria to the Sugden’s. 

It was the last place he wanted to be, but he didn’t know where he wanted to be. He wanted quiet, so as awkward as the silence was on the way there, Aaron savored it. But he wished they'd stopped shooting him worried looks, he wished for them to get caught up in each other and forget he was there.

They went about doing their homework once they got to the house. Or least they all pretended too. All of them over their maths books, Vic and Adam sharing worried glances and staring at him like he might break. He shifted in his seat because he was afraid he might. His head felt heavy, and his stomach queasy, and Ross Barton’s voice was mingled with his father’s in his head. 

And he thought he’d forgotten Gordon’s voice, forgotten his lies and his words, and how he twisted things up and made Aaron think he was horrible. He’d learned, he learned a lot in counseling when he was younger, but he'd forgotten it all, or couldn’t access the needed memories. Not after weeks of Ross Barton bringing up the horrible nightmare he’d lived before a teacher, and his mum saved him.  

The Sugden’s kitchen door crashed open with a bang, Katie and Andy walked in shouting — at least it felt like shouting to Aaron. It made him jump, not startle, he jumped and stumbled out of his chair, his undone maths homework falling the floor. He flushed embarrassed and snapped at Vic that he could get it when she jumped up to help him. Andy gave him an exasperated and look and glanced at Katie, who rolled her eyes in response. Aaron felt like a nuisance, he felt wrong and wasn’t that what Gordon used to tell him… 

He noticed Andy whisper something to Katie, and it made her laugh, and he was sure it was at him, at his expense, and he felt angry and confused. He wondered what Robert saw in her, wondered why Robert had really fallen for her — because all Robert been doing since he threw out Will was seeing Katie behind Andy’s back and studying for his GCSEs. Andy was rolling his eyes again, and Aaron suddenly wished Robert would blow the affair and destroy Andy and Katie — wasn’t that the plan?

Only it was fouled up because Robert cared about her… and it hurt, and it confused him. Robert had just forgotten Will like he’d forgotten Mark. Aaron felt jealous and upset, his stomach swirled, and he wished he could stop liking boys, something was wrong… 

Then Ross’s voice was in his ear, ugly and mean… “Do you like little boys, too, Dingle?”

The contents in his stomach heaved, he felt clammy and cold, and he tried to stop it. Shut his mouth, hand up and over it, but it was useless, and he lunged for the kitchen sink, and he barely made it time. His insides heaving up, and his whole body shaking.   

He was afraid to move, he felt his insides moving and felt frozen bent over the sink, smelling what he’d done and felt his stomach roil and the voices in his head screaming things he didn’t want to hear or think. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t move, and he felt ready to be sick again. And everyone had rushed around him. He felt hands on his back and thought it was Vic and Katie, their touch was the opposite of comfort, and he wanted to shake it off. He wanted to yell, don’t touch me, but his voice was gone. He wasn’t even sure if he was all there at all.  

“Aaron, are you alright, Aaron, are you alright…” Adam’s voice was loud, and Aaron wanted to shut him up. He kept repeating the question, and if Aaron wanted to answer it, he wouldn’t have been able to get a word in. But he didn’t want to answer. He just wanted quiet. He wanted to be alone.  

“This has got to stop, we should call Chas… he’s nothing but a nuisance lately..” Andy’s voice hit his ears.  

He was nothing but trouble. 

“Give him a bit, Andy…” Katie said. 

“It’s not his fault, Andy,” Victoria argued. 

“He’s sick… Aaron, are you alright…” it was Adam again.  

The world was spinning and too loud, and he felt cornered. He was trapped, and, suddenly he was shoving off Katie and Victoria, pushing passed Adam not knowing where he was going, but he couldn’t get far. His legs were weak underneath him, and he just fell to the floor. He sank down with a thud and put his hands over ears and tried to shut everything out. It felt the world was going black at the edges anyway, but he could still hear them, chattering voices, but they’d turned muffled and far away, and he wondered where he’d gone. He felt displaced and dazed, and his stomach was still heavy, and he could taste the sick in his mouth. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He wanted to yell at them to shut up. 

He tried to will his ears not to listen. 

“Aaron…” there was a new voice.  

“Aaron?” it was softer and calmer than the rest. 

“Aaron?” it spoke slower with more silence between the next repeat of his name. “Aaron?”

He blinked and looked toward the sound and found deep blue-green eyes, and he knew them. He knew them, and they were safe. They were friendly and familiar. He knew them… he felt a soft touch on his knee, soft as the voice sounded. “Aaron?” 

He stared and tried to place the eyes, tried to place the voice, he knew him, didn’t he? It was why they’d silenced the others, why he could see him through the haze of his brain.  

“Aaron, can you see me?”

Aaron blinked a few times, and the world shifted a tiny bit into focus, enough to see more than just the eyes of the man speaking. It was Robert, and he let out a small breath of relief.  

“Aaron?”

“Robert…”

“Hi. Are you sick?”

Aaron shook his head. 

“What’s happened?”

“It’s those boys a school…”

“It’s my cousin Ross…”   

It was Adam and Vic, shouting over each other and it was too loud, and he couldn’t hear it, he couldn’t hear them tell what’d been happening to him at school and the panic made his voice work.  

“SHUT UP…” 

“Now, wait a minute…”Andy’s voice boomed, and he sounded like Mr. Sugden, and Aaron felt like the world was going black again until Robert’s voice filled the room.  

“Andy, get out,” Robert said. 

“What?”

“I said, get out.”

“I will not… we got to call Chas and have her get him.”

“Not yet… just… all of you go, I’ll talk to him.” 

“What are you going to do, Robert?” Katie laughed. 

“Just go...GO,” Robert shouted. 

Aaron willed them to listen to him… A piece of him wanted Robert to leave too, leave him alone because no one could help him. There was nothing to be done, something was wrong with him. That was all there was too it, there was something wrong with him. He wanted quiet, he needed quiet, to remember how to breathe.

But felt the light touch on his knee again followed by a soft. “Aaron?” 

He felt a small tingle of relief that Robert was still there.

“They’re all gone…can you look at me?”

Aaron peeked up and found only Robert’s eyes again.

“Can you stand up?”

His head shook, and his voice cracked. “No, can't breathe.”

“You are, just too much…that’s all….” Robert whispered, and his eyes moved out of Aaron’s sight, and he grabbed at Robert in a panic. “Stay.”

“Okay, okay…not moving…” Robert’s eyes were back in view. 

 Aaron stared at them until slowly, Robert’s full face came into view, and he let out a shaky breath. 

“What’s Barton doing?” Robert prompted

“It’s nothing,” Aaron lied.

“Aaron, you’ve made yourself sick, again… Vic and Adam look dead worried…” his voice softened. “I am too.”

“He found out… he blabbed it to everyone, today.”

“Blabbed what?”

“About my dad.”

“Fuck…” Robert’s expression hardened for a second.

“I thought it was over, but it’s not…it’s never over, he’s always here, inside my head…it’s never over.”

“He’s dead, Aaron,” Robert said.

Aaron shrugged. “But he’s not gone, it’s inside me and what if…” his voice cracked on a sob.

Robert’s hand pressed gently against Aaron’s leg. “What, what if, what Aaron… please talk to me?

“What if he broke me.”

“No,” Robert snapped. “No, he didn’t.”  

“You can’t know that you can’t be sure.”

“I am Aaron… I’m sure.”

Aaron hiccuped in a sob, and he shook his head. “But you don’t know, you don't know what….” he felt his body start to shake again, his limbs heaving and Robert’s face was getting fuzzy, in he inhaled sharply and felt like he was breathing. 

“Shh, shh…” Robert tapped his leg again and sought Aaron’s eyes. “There you are… breathe with me, okay? Breathe in,” Robert whispered, and Aaron tried to follow his lead. “We won’t talk about it anymore, alright…breathe out… Breathe in.”

Slowly, the edges of his eyes started clear up again, and he started to see more of the Sugden kitchen around him and just how close Robert was sitting in front of him. He could see all his freckles and the specs of green in his eyes… Robert seemed to be breathing for him until he realized he was doing it on his own. 

“Any better?” Robert asked after a few minutes.

Aaron laughed.

“Stupid question,” Robert rolled his eyes at himself.

“Yeah.”

Robert glanced toward the door to the porch, and Aaron followed him. Adam and Victoria were hovered near the screen, keeping quiet but their eyes wide as they watched. Aaron tensed up.  

“They’re just worried.

“I don’t like it…”

“They care.”

Aaron looked away from them, Robert included. He never knew what do with people caring. Maybe he’d been alone with his father too long. It felt foreign still, even years later. His mum was loud with it, but so in his face with it that she never quite noticed he didn’t know where to put her love for him. Aaron sighed and told himself to be thankful, but he was shaky, tired, hurt, and scared. He sought out Robert again and caught him watching him. His expression was soft and concerned. And something nice flipped inside of him, and it was strange because the caring felt different from Robert. It didn’t feel intrusive, and somehow it made him feel better. Not a lot, but enough,, enough he was breathing again. 

“Can you stand?” Robert asked.

Aaron nodded, and Robert helped him to his feet.  

“Go up to my room and find something to wear from my bureau, okay?” 

Aaron looked at him, blankly, and Robert indicated his shirt. He blushed, realizing the mess wasn’t only his head. He'd gotten it over himself and not all in the sink.  

“It’s fine, go on up and change…I’ll be up soon,” Robert said, doing it again and making him feel better… but…

“Come with me,” he whispered. 

“I will, but first, gonna stop Andy and Katie calling your mum… go on.”  

Aaron peeked at the door again and couldn’t take seeing Adam and Victoria’s worried faces, so he nodded and hurried up the stairs. Robert’s room felt nice and familiar. Covered with books and dirty clothes. Aaron reached into Robert’s bureau found and old blue jumper that felt soft against his skin — and he flushed a bit, thinking it smelled like him. It wasn’t a long wait for the door to slowly open, and Robert walked in, carrying a glass of water. “You need this.” 

Aaron took a few slow sips and watch Robert sort of pace his bedroom, a conflicted looked on his face. Aaron knew he worried him and guilt gnawed at him, and he was about to attempt an apology when Robert sat down on his bed and gave Aaron a serious look. But his eyes were still soft, and when he spoke, so was his voice.  

“I promised, I’d wait… But…you don’t have to tell me, I’ll understand. But Aaron’s something really making your head spin, you’re making yourself ill with it and… that’s scary…” Robert looked away for a moment. “You’ve, you’ve kept a lot of my secrets, some of my worst ones. I promise I can keep one of yours.” 

“I like boys…” it left his mouth easily, and his heart hammered, but he'd always known one day he’d tell Robert. 

Robert nodded, but there was no surprise in his expression, and Aaron’s anxiety overpowered his relief. “No..no…does every one know….”

“What, no, no… hey,” Robert’s hands were on his shoulders. “No…I’ve just wondered, that’s all, I wasn’t sure.”

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Aaron whispered. 

“I told you, it’s our secret,” Robert studied him for a minute longer and took a deep breath. “This have anything to do with what you said earlier about feeling broken?”

The fear coiled in his belly, and he nodded, Gordon and Ross’ voices started to echo in his head again. 

“Shh…don't go away,” Robert whispered. 

Aaron searched out Robert’s eyes and let them ground him. Then he nodded. 

“He didn’t, Aaron. It has nothing to do with what he did to ya, I promise.”

“But…”

“No…look…” Robert’s face flushed and looked away. “That never happened to me, did it, and I…”

“But you like girls…” Aaron argued. “Like Katie.” 

“Yeah,” Robert smiled a bit at the mention of Katie.

Aaron looked away from him.  

“But…I like boys, Aaron… I don’t get it, and it’s complicated… and my dad…” Robert sighed. “I’m not good at this.”

“At what?”

“It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay you like boys and not girls. It’s okay.”

Aaron shook his head. “But… you don’t act like it’s okay.”

“I’m not you.”

“But…”

“It’s different for me…” Robert snapped. “I… You’re the one that matters right now. And I’m telling ya it’s okay, Aaron. And, you, you… You aren’t like anyone else around here, Aaron. You’re good. You are so good.  

Aaron shook his head.

Robert shook him a bit, hands tightening on his shoulders. “You are. You’re the best person I know and look at ya, you’re still a kid… And I don’t want, I don’t want that ripped out of ya, Aaron. You gotta promise me, keep hold of who you are… Which is good…” Robert trailed away, and Aaron felt something crack inside of him at the sight of his expression. His eyes were sad, and his face fallen. 

“Robert?”

“It’s okay that you like boys…” Robert said again. 

Aaron almost believed him. 

“Your dad, he didn’t break ya… never think that.”

Aaron wanted to believe him. 

“Also… why the hell haven’t you punched Ross in the face?”

“I don’t wanna be a monster…” 

“You’re not, Aaron…. He’s the monster, your dad was a monster. I meant it, you’re good… but, stand up for yourself. You’re Dingle, yeah… your uncle teach ya how to throw a punch?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, cause Ross Barton is a little shit of a coward, and you can wipe his ignorant bullshit out of his mouth.”

“Yeah, guess I could…” Aaron nodded.

“Then do it, alright… it’ll be worth the trouble you get in.”

“Will it?”

“Yeah…” Robert sighed. “You need to tell your mum about making yourself sick, Aaron.”

“No,” he shouted. 

“Yeah… not about Ross, she’d make that worse, but that he’s back in your head. You can’t deal with this on your own… Please? You’re making yourself sick.”

Aaron chewed on his bottom lip.

“Think about it,” Robert said. 

“Alright.”

“Okay…” Robert nodded and let go his shoulders. “I um, talked to your mum, you’re gonna stay over. You can sleep in here, I’ll crash on the couch downstairs. I’ll go get your schoolwork and bring it up here.” 

“But Andy…your Dad?”  

“Let them have a go, I’ll tell ‘em you’re too sick to move. Not much of a lie even.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Robert grinned and started to leave his room.

“Robert,”

“What?”

He was feeling too much again, but this time it was nice. He felt heard and seen and somehow better. Lighter. He said the words, out loud to somehow who understood. A least a little bit. He wanted to say thank you, he wanted to convey it meant something. But it all got stopped up in his throat. “Will you help me with maths?” 

“Yeah, of course… be right back.”

Aaron watched him disappear and felt his heartbeat weirdly in his chest and decided to ignore what it could mean. 

~~~

It was over a month later when Aaron startled awake in his bed. He blinked at his ceiling a few times in sleepy confusion. He was used to waking up to a still dark night, but that was from his nightmares, and thanks to going back to counseling, they'd faded in the last few weeks. He sighed and turned to look at the time, and the clock blinked at 4:13 am. Confused, he sat in his bed, ears perked and listening, trying to figure out what may have woken him.  

Plink

He turned toward his window? What was that?

Plink

Something was hitting his window. He frowned, crawled out bed, and wondered what stupidity Adam wanted to get into at this hour on a weekday. Only when he peered outside, he saw Robert Sugden down in the back alley leaning against his car. He opened his window and looked down at him with confusion.  

“Come down,” Robert called up. 

Aaron shrugged out a yes and closed his window. His curiosity was peaked, but an unease swirled in his belly. He stepped carefully over the creaky step of the stairs, not wanting to get caught sneaking outside. His heart pounded harder and harder as he made his way toward Robert. Because there couldn’t be a good reason for this… 

As soon as within sight of Robert, he knew he was right. His face was all scraped up, and it looked he was sporting a black eye. “What happened.”

“You missed witnessing this one…” Robert laughed, but it sounded hollow. “They found out, Jack and Andy, about Katie…”

“You told ‘em?”

Robert shook his head. “She did.”

“Why?”

“To hurt me…” Robert’s cracked. “I thought. I thought she was done with me, we had this fight, and I thought she chose Andy...cause why wouldn’t she, everyone chooses Andy. I was hurt and well… I slept with her friend Marnie. Katie caught us in bed.”

“Robert…” Aaron sighed.

“Yeah, I know… I’m daft.”

Aaron nodded.

“She told Andy and Jack, made it out like she was my victim, said all sorts and they bought her story, they think I tried to ruin her… I…” Robert trailed off. “Maybe in the beginning, I did, but… Anyway, Jack punched me, and then Andy shoved me…”

Aaron felt his eyes tearing up, his heart in his throat. “Robert, why are you here?”

"You know," Robert whispered. "Jack did it. He finally found an excuse, Aaron. He kicked me out."

"No..."

"Told me to leave Emmerdale and never look back."

"But..."

"I'm leaving, Aaron."

"But you can't..." Aaron cried. "No."

"I have too... I want too... Why stay when I hate this place, Aaron." 

Aaron shook his head and wiped at his eyes. "Where will you go?”

"I'm screwed on university... But that was always true..." Robert shrugged. "London, maybe... Anywhere but here."

Aaron sniffled.

"I just... I wanted to tell ya." 

"Why?" Aaron asked. 

Robert shrugged. "Figured you might be the only person to notice I'm gone."

“Vic, will.”

“She kinda has too..” Robert looked down.

“That’s not true.”

“It is…” Robert shrugged and looked up. "Will ya...look out for her, for me?

"Yeah..."

Robert nodded, and silence fell. Aaron shifted on his feet, feeling at a loss, there was words and feelings in his head, but they were stopped up in his throat -- he hated it. He hated this... Maybe someday he'd known Robert might leave. But not like this, not because he was being forced to by a dad that never cared. It was unfair, and it hurt, it hurt a lot. 

Aaron knew he would miss him. 

"I gotta..." Robert broke the silence. 

Aaron nodded. 

"Take care of yourself, Aaron."

Aaron chewed his lip and watched Robert start to get into his car, and suddenly he couldn't do it, he couldn't just let him leave, he couldn't let him go without saying something -- though what he didn't know, there were no words. But he had to find a way... Because they were something to each other, they always had been. It'd started with the first secret, Aaron kept. He owed Robert something, didn't he? 

"ROBERT."

Robert stopped and looked over at him, and Aaron could feel his sadness. And he ran, he ran straight for him and barreled into him. He hugged him. He'd never done anything like it in his life, and it felt awkward but also right. He clung to him and wished he could say something, but this was all he could do. After a beat, Robert’s arms wrapped around him. Hard and solid. It was a tight hug, he pulled Aaron into him. Reciprocating whatever it was Aaron was trying to say -- maybe, or at least something close to it. They hugged, and Aaron felt something settled in his bones, only for it to unsettle a second later as Robert broke the hug and stepped away. He gave Aaron a sad smile, slipped into his car, and drove away.  

Aaron stared at the spot where the car vanished from his sight for a good ten minutes and thought he'd never see Robert again.