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Fíli knew that the quest was important; something his uncle had worked towards for decades, a thing that had been part of his own fate for all of his life. It required focus and skill, and part of the things Fíli had to do was to get along with his company. Easy enough, he supposed, just the fact that these Dwarves had signed on made them seem as exceptionally fine ones to him.
Fíli was confident, he was a good fighter, he was the Crown Prince and he wasn’t stupid, so he did not think anyone would see him as less or not worthy of respect.
More than half the company was his family, and there was a family of miners he had known since he was a child. Bofur, who sometimes sold toys and who had helped Fíli when he needed something for a cousin, Bombur, who very rarely was there with his brother but always had snacks he loved to share, and Bifur, who didn’t come that much either but always had the most unusual toy creations.
The family Fíli knew next to nothing about, were the three brothers that signed on last but were the best prepared. He had known of Dori and his little restaurant, and he had seen Nori in passing, but he wouldn’t have been able to point them out and connect names or histories before.
Still, Fíli didn’t worry about them. And when they first met Dori was polite with the utmost respect for the rest of the company, Nori looked as if he was up to something but he was quiet and a well enough company, and Ori…
Ori wasn’t fair!
Not even the tiniest bit and when Fíli first saw him he wanted to know what cruel trick this was, and why his uncle or Mahal or whoever was responsible had decided it’d be funny to have Fíli spent every minute in the next few months in Ori’s presence.
Ori was beautiful. He was gorgeous and had the nicest silkiest looking hair, he had a softness about him with a core strength, he had sweet smiles and his voice sounded very polite and pleasant, much more like a noble’s than Fíli’s ever did.
How was it right that he should be around someone like that; the only Dwarf his age next to Kíli?
Fíli didn’t even come close to Ori in looks. His hair was long in simple soft waves, and he never was creative enough to match the style to the intricate one Ori’s brothers were wearing. His only clasps and braids were those marking him as part of his family or to keep his hair out of his face, while all the Ri wore styles just for the sake of their looks.
Fíli’s face was crude and plain, very young as well. Kíli wasn’t better either; he was so young that he looked at least ten years younger than he was, no matter what.
And Ori’s face was sharp and interesting. His nose and cheekbones were hard, complimented by his soft beard. He was younger but he looked much older than the princes’ did, just due to his fuller beard. Fíli could have watched that face for ages.
There was nothing to do but to try and not act too awkwardly in front of Ori.
Fíli had thought that he was way past the age in which he got flustered this easily, but in school he’d been more confident, and perhaps it was also that none of the others had been as pretty as Ori.
Fíli could have hit himself, with how clumsy he was getting. He wanted to strangle the part of himself that thought it was a good idea to speak to Ori and start a silly little song along with Kíli when Ori asked about what to do with his plates. He wanted to kick himself each time he went over to comment on Ori’s sketches lamely just to retreat when the scribe gave him puzzled looks. He didn’t know anything about art that wasn’t a concept sketch for something he’d be forging, and he had nothing clever to say.
At least Kíli wasn’t doing that much better. He was more open and made friends easily, chatted with Ori endlessly and even got the scribe to smile, but afterwards he’d whisper to Fíli about how nervous he was about him.
“I don’t know what to say, I always feel like he’s just polite and doesn’t care,” Kíli would tell Fíli nearly daily the first few weeks, while covering his soft cheeks with his hands. He always did that when he was nervous or giddy.
Fíli didn’t know what to do about his ever-growing crush. What was he supposed to do? Before he’d have kept his distance until he could convince himself that the unfortunate or bad crush he was having on someone was indeed unfortunate and bad. There was nowhere he could go on the journey, and Ori was always there, making Fíli’s cheeks heat up and all the words leave his brain.
And he liked Ori, he didn’t want to be rude and avoid him. In such a small company it would have been obvious, so Fíli braced himself and dealt with the pain of being the awkward princeling.
Kíli recovered first from the shock. He found it easy to talk to Ori, just like to anyone, and Fíli hated his brother a little for that. He admitted that he was jealous at first, but Kíli told him that Ori was good looking but that he wasn’t interested in a fling or relationship with him. Later it was just painful to know that Kíli did not cringe at every word he said to Ori, while Fíli did.
Time passed and Fíli watched Ori, and things got worse. Usually you watched someone and found all the little imperfections. Everyone had them, if you looked.
Later Fíli found out that Ori had freckles on his cheeks but there was a tiny one just underneath his eye. It was infuriating, Fíli wanted to touch and kiss it, but he couldn’t, of course.
Ori rubbed the tip of his nose when he was lost in thought, sometimes smudging ink over it, with his fingers barely sticking out of his cosy mittens.
In the mornings, before he brushed and braided his hair, he was adorable. A Dwarf was not supposed to look good with their hair and beard in a mess, but every morning Fíli watched all three of the brothers looking gorgeous like that. Only Ori truly caught his eye, but it was undeniable that Dori and Nori were beautiful as well. A family trait then, and Fíli shuddered at the thought of how Ori would look like once he reached his first century, with how his older brothers were. It’d be lethal.
But the real catastrophe happened sometime in their second month of traveling. Fíli was most certainly not spending the night watching Ori from over the fireplace, but somebody told a joke and everyone was laughing and Ori smiled, cheeks dimpling as he tried to not cackle like most of the others.
And Fíli felt a sudden pang in his heart. A pleasant warm one, but it was still… bad.
Because thinking that Ori was pretty was one thing, but liking his laugh and how he acted another. Ori was the sort of unfair Dwarf who had been blessed with good looks and a friendly smile and a nice character. How was one supposed to react to that combination? How was one supposed to firmly push away a small crush, and what was Fíli supposed to do now that the crush was way too big to ignore?
It was excruciating, Ori was pretty and clever and funny and nice, and Fíli was plain and no joke or clever remark came easy to him, and he was sure Ori wouldn’t see him as nice either. Not with how awkward he always was, surely that would be seen as rude.
He watched Ori on their journey; he watched how he smiled and made jokes, and how Ori was still all prim and proper in Rivendell, despite being surrounded by Elves.
He watched how fiercely Ori fought and protected his brothers, he saw how brave Ori was, even with his few weapons and against the terrible creatures they encountered.
It made Fíli’s heart hurt to see how Ori was never loosing heart, and he wanted to protect him, realized that Ori was one of the first his mind went to when they were in danger. There was no way to do that though, no more than he could protect the others.
It was somewhere on the way down from the Carrock, after the night’s shock was over and there was some safety, that Fíli realized that he was in love.
Which was the worst thing that had happened that night.
He had a better chance to live through the past two days five times in a row than to be considered a good match for Ori.
Fíli was awkward and clumsy, and his skills were all good for being a prince, but not at all a good and normal Dwarf, he had nothing interesting to say and Ori was… Ori.
At least now Fíli knew what the problem was and wouldn’t be in denial about it at all.
It also made it more painful, knowing that his simple temporal crush had decided to work itself into love. It had been easier to think that Ori was pretty, and not know that he was kind and funny and great to be around when he wasn’t busy cringing at his own behaviour.
Kíli laughed at him when Fíli asked for advice in talking to Ori. Or love in general. Thorin smiled when Fíli hinted at problems in his love life, but he had no advice that might be helpful, and Fíli didn’t feel like telling him of details.
He knew he wasn’t the only Dwarf in the company crushing or perhaps even in love with a Ri.
The rest they had at the skinchanger’s house provided him with an opportunity to put his thoughts in order and watch the others. Fíli kept away from Ori as much as he could, and when they did talk he tried to be as nice and polite as he could, not knowing how he was supposed to talk.
Dori and Nori were not to be talked to, who knew what they’d think about Fíli wanting to flirt with their little brother. Bombur, Bifur and Glóin were out, their relationships were or had been normal and not at all like Fíli’s situation, with the most perfect Dwarf of all to be courted. Óin did not have a mind for flirting, and neither Balin not Thorin were exactly the sort Fíli would want to ask too much. Bofur certainly wasn’t someone who would take his pain seriously, and as friendly and helpful as Bilbo was, he surely wouldn’t know any advice suitable for Dwarves.
For a little while Fíli thought that Dwalin might help him. They knew each other well, so Dwalin would understand, and in matters of love they surely were similar enough? Especially when it came to pining after pretty ones that were in a whole other league.
The evening Fíli chose to go and look for Dwalin to get advice was an especially bad one. That night he had tried to make a joke and Ori had just looked at him strangely. Fíli hadn’t known what to do or how to bear the stare, or what it meant. It looked a little judgemental, or perhaps Ori was sneering at him? Fíli really couldn’t tell.
So he left as quickly as he could without making it seem like he was fleeing, and went to look for Dwalin.
Beorn’s lands were safe and beautiful and there were lots of places the company members could retreat to, to have some privacy and quiet. A quick conversation with one of Beorn’s large intelligent dogs revealed where Dwalin was, namely behind one of the barns.
Happy to talk to someone who understood Fíli’s peril and even shared it, the prince ran off to go find him.
The hope of finding a kindred soul was shattered, when he found Dwalin behind the barn, with his pants down to his ankles and a happily purring Nori clinging to him. It earned Fíli a pair of offended stares and another memory he would have to repress and deal with before it turned into trauma.
Fíli ended up returning to Beorn’s main hall, his cheeks and ears still flushed by the time he reached it. He felt betrayed somehow, that his best hope at good advice from someone who understood and wouldn’t laugh at him was gone. He had hoped and then Dwalin went ahead and solved the problem Fíli had all for himself.
It just wasn’t fair! He was in such a horrendous situation, he had no chance of solving it, and those who might have shared the pain ended up doing what Fíli would never dare dream for in his case.
He fetched one of Beorn’s oversized tankards and filled it with mead, then he went to sit by the fire and brood. Fíli ended up not drinking anything, just stared ahead and ignored the faint voices of everyone else.
He was so lost in thoughts that it took him a few moments to notice that somebody sat down next to him, and another few moments to see that it was Ori.
The scribe watched him curiously, and even a little bit concerned.
“What’s with the terrified expression?”
Fíli’s brain didn’t quite catch up with his mouth.
“I just saw your brother getting fucked behind a barn.”
Ori snickered and the sound made Fíli’s heart freeze as he realized what he had just said to Ori. He didn’t seem to mind though and shrugged.
“Well, I grew up with him, so I was lucky that he usually keeps it to canoodling in the pantry.”
Fíli’s frozen heart started racing as he cautiously watched Ori. That thoughtless comment was fine, but he had to be careful lest Ori thought him a complete tool. He had little enough chance to have him be interested in more than friendship as it was.
He glanced at Ori, seeing him with his head cocked and just watching and quickly looked away again.
What did Ori want? Why was he staring like that? It was making Fíli nervous and he tried to sit straighter.
“Why are you always so nervous around me?” he asked, voice light and with no hidden intentions obvious to Fíli in it.
Fíli pressed his lips together and tried to look like he was surprised by what Ori was saying. He failed, he knew it wouldn’t work even before he finished turning to Ori.
“I really don’t know what you mean?”
Ori just quirked his lips in a smile. He looked shy, but also weirdly mischievous like that, not something Fíli had seen him do before, but he loved it, of course.
“Kíli told me you have a crush.”
Fíli’s shoulders slumped and he let out a groan. Wonderful, now Ori knew of how silly he was, to what extent. Then he felt his cheeks heat up and anger well in him. Why couldn’t Kíli just keep his moth shut?
“That little-“ he hissed, unsure of what to call his brother, not even caring that Ori was there.
“It’s fine, I like you to,” Ori said quietly “Like you like that I mean.”
Fíli looked up in surprise. Ori was blushing, and smiling at him, looking as shy as he rarely did anymore. He wasn’t teasing, he was actually saying the truth when saying this.
“You do?” he asked slowly, not believing it.
Ori’s smile twitched and widened and he looked quite bashful.
“Of course I do! I was a little worried because you acted so strangely and I thought I shouldn’t try and flirt when you’re like that. But I did have a crush for a long while now. I thought you wouldn’t appreciate me doing anything like that.”
“Acted… oh.”
Fíli felt sudden shame about how he had behaved. He had tried to treat Ori like a normal person, but as soon as he just looked at him all semblance of normal behaviour became a mystery to him.
He ducked his head and saw how Ori glanced to the side. There was a few seconds of awkward silence between them before Ori spoke again.
“Why did you act like that? At first I was so sure that you were crushing on me but later I kept questioning that.”
Fíli managed a weak grin.
“Well… Look at me, isn’t it obvious?”
Ori gave him a questioning look and Fíli forced himself not to wince.
“I’m just… You’re the most perfect Dwarf I’ve ever seen! You’re funny and clever and you also look better than anybody else I’ve met! And I’m just plain old me, I don’t know any of the things you talk about and each of my jokes is terrible!”
“I liked your jokes!”
Ori leaned closer and looked at Fíli as if he was an idiot. Something he deserved right now.
“You’re brave and kind and you’re really fun to be around with! You don’t always let things end in a joke like Kíli, sometimes you’re serious and you’re gorgeous! I saw you sparring with no shirt on, don’t tell me you’re plain!”
Ori paused, then his entire face and the tips of his ears flushed red and he hid his mouth with his scarf, looking mortified.
They stared at one another, Fíli gaping slightly, and Ori looking sheepish.
“We’ve both been idiots, haven’t we?” Fíli finally asked, letting out a laugh.
Ori still looked embarrassed, but there was relief in his smile.
“True,” he said, and then his hand was on Fíli’s. “We’ve been idiots, but if you want to date now..?”
The smile Fíli couldn’t supress was so wide it nearly made his cheeks ache. He edged closer and put his free hand on Ori’s.
“Of course!”
Ori’s grin was so sweet Fíli would have kissed it if he had dared. That was probably still too much so very soon after the offer to date.
They leaned closer together, and there was relief in Ori’s posture, just like Fíli was feeling it. They could have admitted this to each other sooner; things would have been better maybe. Less awkward at least.
In that moment a howl and a whistle from behind startled them apart again. It was Bofur’s laugh that explained where that had come from, even before the two could turn around.
“Look at that lads! The two love birdies have finally figured it out!”
Fíli groaned and Ori tugged his scarf back up into his face. Fíli knew that he was smiling though, from the way the way the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes moved.
There was laughter from everyone who was in the hall as well and there were bags flying around. Bofur turned towards the door where Nori just sauntered in and threw a bag of coins towards him.
“There you go, you lucky bastard,” he laughed, and Nori tugged at his tunic and grinned towards Ori.
“I did tell you that I know my brothers too well to loose bets involving them.”
He winked at Fíli, who quickly turned away with his cheeks heating up again. Ori’s hand was in his though, warm and soft, and just its presence was worth the laughter and the sound of coins being counted.