Chapter Text
She sat on the couch in her mother’s apartment. Letting everything that had happened to her pass through her mind. Her sister was arriving later today for Christmas. The upcoming holiday had been the only thing that had kept her from rushing from Coast City to Star City right after she’d contacted her family from the hospital, after her trip to her former precinct, to let them know what happened, sort of. One version of events. Leaving a lot out of it. Neither her mom nor her sister had been too happy about her choices. But she just couldn’t … she didn’t regret them. She missed being a cop. She missed being useful and helping people, helping to make the city a safer place. So, when she had been contacted by A.R.G.U.S a couple of months ago, and they had told her about Ruvé Adams and how they suspected her not only to be corrupt but also a part of a terrorist organization and that they needed someone to infiltrate said organization to give them intel and that they thought her to be a good candidate. It had reminded her of why she had become a cop, why she had loved it as much as she had. And just how much she missed it.
But still, she hadn’t been sure at first, still suffering permanent damage from her injury, which had kept her from rejoining the police force in the first place. The agent had assured her, though, that this was no problem. She would be undercover, and it was about gathering information.
She hadn’t been able to turn the offer down in the end; she missed being a detective, missed making the world a better and safer place.
What she had expected wasn’t what she had actually ended up in. The information she’d gathered, the revelation she’d stumbled across.
She had been shocked, when she had learned the Green Arrow’s identity.
Oliver Queen. Ollie.
She’d been floored, couldn’t believe it at first but then, once the information had settled and she’d had time to think about it, it had made so much sense. So many things ended up being explained with just that one revelation.
Still, the fact that she’d been involved with the person she’d been hunting for months was crazy, and she wondered… but then again, she’d never really shared anything concerning work with him. So it wasn’t like he could’ve used her for . And it hadn't been like he'd pushed her for anything vigilante-related.
The only time he had sought her out for information had been about Vertigo after his sister's car accident. And that was something he would've done even if he hadn't been the vigilante. Oliver had always been extremely overprotective of his baby sister.
And they had started dating before she had joined the task force. So, no, she was pretty sure Oliver hadn't used her but had been with her because he had genuinely cared. Which she knew for a fact he had, still did. He wouldn't have reacted the way he had when Adrian had faked her death had he not.
“NO! McKenna!”
The guilt at the thought hit her like a mack truck. His reaction had been so visceral and devastating. It had gutted her. She'd never meant to cause him that much pain. She'd been mad at him for lying to her, but not that mad. And not anymore. She'd given voice to some of her feelings while also adding to them in order to make him buy it when claiming she didn't trust him, not anymore.
“But that’s the problem, Oliver. I don’t. I can’t. Because you are the Green Arrow, the Hood. I should’ve known. It is so obvious now. When he told me, it was like a revelation, and everything that had happened four years ago made perfect sense. You played me. You lied and deceived me. You used me.”
It had only been after she'd spoken the words that she'd recognized the lie in them. She hadn't been sure before that. But she had tasted the lie as the words left her lips. The Green Arrow was doing good, he was seriously helping and making the city a safer and better place. She'd already realized that back when she was on the task force.
“I had to give up my career. If it hadn’t been for you and your murderous ex, I would still be a detective. I wouldn’t have health issues. This is all your fault. And it is about time you paid for it.”
Him not only believing her words but also taking the blame had made her feel even worse. It hadn't been his fault. It had been Helena's.
“McKenna, please… I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, if I’d known you’d get hurt… if I had the chance to change… please… I can’t… Sara… I can’t leave her. I promised her she wouldn’t have to go through this alone. Please don’t make me break the promise I made to Sara. Please!”
She had been surprised when he brought up Sara, even more so when using her to plead for his life. He had only pleaded for his life for Sara's benefit, not his own. Except…as far as she knew, Sara Lance was dead. Unless she wasn’t and the information just hadn’t reached her. Or it could be another Sara. It wasn’t like it was a rare name. It was a very popular one. But something in Oliver’s demeanor, the way he'd pleaded, the words he’d spoken… Oliver had survived who was to say Sara couldn’t have as well and eventually found her way back home? And she couldn’t picture any other woman but Sara getting that emotional reaction out of Oliver.
McKenna wasn't sure what to make of all of it. But she knew that she needed to talk to Oliver. It was important. She needed him to know that she hadn't meant what she'd said.
And she needed to let him know what she'd learned about Adrian and Ruvé during her time in Adrian's captivity. It was important.
Tevat Noah was something Oliver needed to learn about. She'd tried to find out as much as she could but Adrian had been very close lipped about it.
Another thing that could be important was just how much Adrian seemed to care about his baby sister and mother. It did kind of remind her of Oliver. Except, Oliver's love for his sister and mother seemed a lot healthier and less obsessive.
A part of her really wanted to talk to Oliver, to apologize to him but also to ask all the questions that had been running through her mind ever since she’d learned he was the Green Arrow. But most importantly she wanted to know how he was physically, but mentally as well. But she also knew that now was not the time.
One he needed time to rest and heal. The wounds he had received during his captivity had been horrendous and severe. Part of her had been surprised there’d been no mention of Oliver Queen in hospital during the news segments, he’d had frequent trips to the hospital back when she’d still lived here. It would have been hard to explain some of his wounds, though, so him not going if there was a way around it made sense. It also made her wonder who he knew that would be able to take care of the kind of wounds that had been inflicted on him.
And two; it was the holiday season. There was no reason for her to demand his attention as well, when she was certain his family most likely already would.
She’d been home, well at her mother’s home, for several days when Laurel showed up at her doorstep. Wanting to see how she was doing. It was sweet. They hadn’t been close, but they had been friendly and had had lunch whenever they both had been at the courthouse at the same time. She’d always liked Laurel but given the circumstances of Oliver and Laurel’s relationship and the fact that she had been more Oliver’s friend, at times with benefits, than Laurel’s had been the reason the distance that had originally existed because of Laurel’s unawareness of her at times physical relationship with Oliver, had prevailed even after his assumed death. It had loomed between them, and she’d felt awkward around Laurel, feeling like she was keeping something important from a potential friend and it had felt dishonest to try and build said friendship on a secret but letting her know that she’d screwed her now dead boyfriend whenever they’d been on a break had seemed wrong, almost cruel, as well. Especially once the news hit about Sara, and with that, the whispers about a possible affair between Laurel’s boyfriend and her younger sister began. There had been no reason to add to the pain.
So, that original distance that had sprung from that situation had never really gone away, not even years later, or when Laurel had been with Tommy while she’d been with Oliver. It had eased some, but since Laurel had still been oblivious to the fact that this wasn’t the first time Oliver and she had been involved, it had still felt dishonest. Especially when Laurel had been the only person in the room not aware of her and Oliver’s past.
If it weren’t for that complex situation, she was sure they’d probably become good friends over their numerous lunches by the courthouse. She had also enjoyed working with Laurel’s father. Quentin had believed in her, had given her one hell of a chance and had in return taken one hell of a chance putting her into the taskforce.
She considered, after the initial small talk, asking Laurel some of the questions she had, but decided against it. They were meant for Oliver, and only he would be able to answer them accurately. Laurel would most likely just make assumptions, which might be wrong. So, she decided to focus on that one comment of Oliver’s that had thrown her.
“Oliver mentioned Sara…” she didn’t finish the question, wasn’t sure how to, maybe it really was a different Sara, she doubted it, but even if not, McKenna was pretty sure Laurel wasn’t aware that she had known her younger sister. Again, they hadn’t been close in the sense of being good friends, but they had both regularly partied with Oliver and Tommy, which meant they’d hung out together plenty. And Sara had always been the life of the party and up for anything. She had been a lot of fun to be around, and she’d enjoyed the younger woman’s company immensely.
“Oh, yes, Sara’s… we found out about one-and-a-half-years after Oliver had come home that Sara was alive as well. She’d been… she’s just come back home a few months ago.” Laurel explained to her, a blinding smile on her face at the surprising revelation.
“Oliver and Sara had been separated when the Gambit sank and ended up at different locations. Both believing the other had died.” Laurel continued her explanation after she had looked at her, confused, helping to make more sense of it all.
“Oh, wow, that’s…” she wasn’t sure how to finish; luck they had both survived, cruel that they had been alone for such a long time unaware that they weren’t the only survivor.
"Yeah, I wish they'd been together. That way they would've at least had each other and not been alone." Laurel finished her sentence for her, looking sad. It reminded her of just what a big-hearted person Laurel was. This must not have been easy for and so very complicated for her. At least when she'd first learned that Sara was alive.
"That would've probably made the experience slightly better. She agreed, recalling the... conversation, almost interrogation she admitted being honest with herself, she had with him when they went on their first date. The way he'd shut her down. The way she shouldn't have pushed. It had been traumatic; she should've been gentler with him. She'd been ashamed of and regretted her behavior for a long time. Apologizing to him was something that was still on her list of things to do. She needed to do it in person. She'd been out of line.
"Yeah, but they're both... Sara's been really struggling. That's why she'd traveled for a while, but she's doing better now. Oliver had joined her for a bit several months ago, which seemed to have helped her. They've been sharing an apartment ever since she's come back home. They're good for each other." There was a soft, grateful smile that graced her lips while talking about her sister and friend. Yeah, that tracked; they'd always had a connection that had been hard to describe. She could easily see how they would have a positive effect on each other.
"That's good. I'm glad to hear that they are... or were doing alright." She doubted that Oliver was doing particularly well right now. But having Sara around might help in this case as well.
"Sara says Oliver is doing pretty well, given the circumstances." Laurel seemed to have read her mind.
"Thank you. I've wondered and worried, but didn't want to...pry. Ollie and I kinda lost contact after I moved away." Which had mostly been on him, not that she was going to tell Laurel that, or that she blamed him. It had been her choice to not only move away but also to end things with him. He’d been willing to give the long-distance thing a try, something she had not been. Which had been sweet. And maybe if they’d been going out for a little longer than they had been at the time, and if her entire life hadn’t just come crashing down around her, she might have been willing to as well. But she’d known she’d have to focus on herself and on healing and Ollie would’ve… she probably wouldn’t have had the energy to make the relationship work long distance, they’d already struggled enough while they’d lived in the same city given both of their busy schedules. So, she’d decided to not even try. She’d felt it would be fairer to him that way than to string him along.
He’d been dealing with his own emotional issues as well. They wouldn’t have been able to… at least that was what she had told herself and still was on those rare occasions where she let herself wonder what could’ve been. Not because… she hadn’t been in love with him, not yet, but she was pretty sure she had been getting there and she could’ve fallen for him. Truly and deeply. That had been something that she’d never given herself the permission to do, not back when they were hanging out in college and hooking up semi-regularly whenever he was unattached. She’d always known that there was Laurel and chances were high that those two would eventually get their shit together and do the whole nine yards. And then there had also been Sara… she’d kinda thrown a boulder onto the picture that had been painted about Laurel and Oliver and the glass on that portrait not only cracked but completely shattered, at least to the people who had their eyes wide open and didn’t refuse to see what was right in front of them. So, between Laurel and Sara, there had been no question in her mind that Oliver and she would never be anything more than friends with benefits. Which had been fine and nothing that had bothered her back then. There had been a clear line. It had been one of the things she’d liked and respected about Oliver the most; he’d always made sure the lines were clear, his intentions were clear and was honest about him just wanting to have some unattached fun, and not just with her. Oliver had never been one of the guys that promised a girl the world to get in her pants and then break those promises. He was always upfront from the start.
Not that she regretted the choice she had made four years ago. She didn’t. She stood by it; it had been the right call at the time, for both of them. She was sure of it. And with the knowledge she had now, she was sure their relationship would’ve ended once Oliver had learned about Sara’s survival. Those two had sort of been inevitable. It had been so obvious to see. And it had sounded like, given the words Oliver had chosen, that they were in a serious relationship right now.
She also knew that there was no malice behind Oliver’s actions, or they meant he didn’t care. She knew he’d had a lot on his plate ever since coming home. She’d had the news and some of their mutual old acquaintances that had sort of kept her in the loop over the past few years. She’d contacted him after Tommy’s and his mother’s deaths, and when she’d learned about his sister’s attack, which had left her in critical condition. She’d hurt for him. Losing or nearly losing three of the most important people in his life was horrible and must have been devastating. And in such a short period of time. Just about two years. He had lost almost his entire family. McKenna had known just how close Oliver and Tommy had been and how crushing that loss must have been for him. When she’d learned about her old friend’s death, she’d cried for hours. Even now there were moments she missed him. Most of the time, completely out of the blue. Tommy, just like Oliver and Sara, had always felt larger than life. He’d been so vibrant, so alive and thriving the last time she’d seen him… it was hard to imagine never seeing him again. She couldn’t even imagine how Oliver and Laurel were handling it. McKenna pushed the thought away, her eyes had automatically been studying Laurel at the thought. Wondering how she was doing, but this wasn’t the time. And ambushing her with such a private question seemed like a very bad idea and rather cruel. So, she focused back on her original line of thoughts.
Oliver was a great guy and they had only been at the beginning of a relationship when she’d ended it from one moment to the next. Never really giving him, giving them a chance. He’d changed a lot and she’d really wanted to get to know this new version of him. He’d been intriguing. And she still did, as a friend. Maybe she could be of some help. It would also help her feel less useless than she had been the last few years.
This mission for A.R.G.U.S. that she’d done… it had reminded her just how much she needed this. How much she needed to feel useful, as if she were doing good. Helping people. Playing a part in making her home a better and safer place. She missed this; she missed this part of her.
Laurel had stayed for about an hour before she said her goodbyes but promised to stop by again some time, something McKenna realized she was looking forward to. That left her with several hours between Laurel’s departure and her mom’s return home from work. She spent that time mulling everything that had happened in the past few years over. Writing down her feelings, her struggles, what she wanted in life and how she could achieve it. What she couldn’t do anymore but also the things she still could do and how she could utilize those to help make her home a better place.
By the time she heard the key in the door signaling her mother’s return she’d worked out a pretty solid game plan, which involved both talking to Oliver and talking to the person from A.R.G.U.S. that had been in charge of her. And not just because she had yet to be debriefed. Which was surprising. She’d expected someone at her doorstep almost the minute she’d been released. But it also made sense. Adrian was now aware of her betrayal, A.R.G.U.S. not wanting him to know about their connection to her made sense, just like they would put her life in even more danger if Chase found out she’d worked for the agency.