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Evening had descended upon Ajan Kloss, as the Resistance celebrated their hard-fought victory. Rey found herself excusing herself from the thick of it, retreating to the edges where she could keep her own company. Her mind was awhirl with everything that had happened, so much in so short a time, and Rey hardly had had time to process it. Then again, maybe that was good, in a way. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to function properly were she really able to consider all of it.
She kept thinking she could feel something, see something, but when she turned to look there was never anything there. A glimmer she would catch out of the corner of her eye, maybe, but blink and it was gone, just out of reach. Or perhaps it had never been there in the first place.
Wishful thinking, Rey thought.
“Hey,” Poe said, somehow sitting beside Rey though she hadn’t even noticed his arrival. “You’re missing the party.”
She watched Finn dancing with Jannah, surrounded by their friends and companions. It was a bit of a cacophony, really, laughter and music and talking, and Rey was happy, she was. But even so, loss felt hollow in her heart and it wasn’t easy to keep smiling all the time.
“So are you,” she said.
Poe’s hands rested in his lap. “I just left Karé with Wedge and Norra. I guess it killed my mood for a bit.”
Snap. Rey hadn’t forgotten. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I just figured I’d come bother you for a bit, where it’s quieter.”
Rey appreciated the gentle way he was asking for permission without really asking; if she wanted him to leave, she could continue the joke to let him know and he would go, simple as that. For some reason, though, Rey didn’t mind if he stayed.
“How’s your arm?” she asked him.
As though the question made him conscious of it, Poe shifted his arm within its sling. “Oh, you know. I’ll live. Had worse.” He reached up to rub his thumb over the small bacta-infused bandage near Rey’s hairline. “So’ve you.”
Not really, Rey thought, but she wasn’t yet quite sure how to say that destroying Palpatine had killed her, until Ben used his remaining life energy to bring her back.
“Torture buddies,” she said instead, suddenly remembering, smiling a little to herself, and Poe chuckled, his expression brightening.
“Torture buddies,” he agreed.
That, then, made Rey think of Ben. She glanced away from Poe, half-expecting to see him, a blue-tinged glow amidst the trees, like Master Skywalker had been, but there was nothing there.
Disappointment panged within her, though Rey knew that was stupid. Why should she see Ben? And even if she did, what did it change? He was gone. He would be nothing but a ghost.
She liked to imagine he was with Leia, and with Han.
“You keep looking over there,” Poe said, nodding his head to a spot in the jungle, just beyond the crowd. “Wishing for better company? Plotting your escape?”
Rey wanted to go along with the teasing but couldn’t. “Looking for something, I suppose.”
“And what do you expect to find in the trees?”
“More of a someone, really.” Rey felt heat rise in her cheeks. She was so stupid. She must sound like an idiot.
“Hunting for ghosts?” Poe suggested, good humor sparking in his eyes.
Whatever showed on Rey’s face must have made Poe reassess because he said, “You really are. Looking for ghosts, I mean.”
“It isn’t as ridiculous as you make it sound.”
“Isn’t it?”
Feeling unpleasantly defensive as only Poe could provoke, Rey said, “I saw Master Skywalker. So, no. It isn’t.”
The silence was uncomfortable for a few long seconds and then Poe said, “I guess it’s a Force thing. I’d understand if I were like you, right?”
Rey wished she didn’t feel bad for snapping at him when he’d been the one being difficult in the first place. “Powerful Jedi can show themselves if they wish to.”
“That’s partly pretty neat and partly very disturbing.”
In spite of herself, Rey laughed. She had never thought of it that way, but he had a point.
Poe bumped her shoulder with his. “So who are you hoping to see?”
She should have known he would ask, because of course he would. She shouldn’t have said so much.
She could lie. She could say Master Skywalker. She could even say Leia.
But Rey didn’t want to lie to Poe.
Instead of a direct answer, Rey said, “Ben helped me.”
“Ben?” Poe frowned. “Kylo Ren?”
“Ben,” Rey repeated. “I know it’s difficult to understand. He helped me, and he… He died to save me.” She drew her lip between her teeth. “I think he’s at peace now.”
Rey hoped he was at peace.
Silence fell between them again but this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. Rey could virtually feel Poe thinking beside her, considering what she had said.
When he did speak, it wasn’t anything Rey could have predicted. “I don’t presume to get what you’re feeling, but I maybe get it a little, more than you think I do.”
Rey watched his face, confused.
“I knew him. When I was younger.” Poe paused. “When we were younger.”
“You knew Ben?” Rey wondered if she looked as surprised as she thought she did. Part of her wanted to ask Poe to tell her everything but the rest of her wasn’t sure she was ready to hear it. She wasn’t sure Poe was ready to say it, either.
“Yeah,” Poe confirmed, and his expression was very far-away, as though his mind was reliving long-ago memories.
He didn’t offer anything further, and Rey didn’t ask him to. Instead, she laid her hand over his, gratified when he smiled lightly at her and rolled his palm over to grasp her hand.
“That’s why,” Rey said, and swallowed. “That’s why I was looking for him. I know it’s…” She hesitated. It was dumb on so many levels. Dumb to miss him, dumb to feel for him, dumb to think she might see his tall, dark form in the trees. Tinged blue was better than not at all.
Poe squeezed her hand. “It isn’t stupid to feel what you feel,” he said, and Rey couldn’t look at him. If she looked at him, she thought she might cry, and she couldn’t do that.
He was being so much kinder than she had expected.
“This is depressing,” Poe said. “There’s a party going on.”
Rey snorted a laugh, which made Poe laugh because it was such a ridiculous sound. He was still holding her hand and it was a little bit ridiculous, too, how much she appreciated that. She looked at her friends laughing and dancing and was so happy for them but she felt no urge to join them.
Instead she leaned into Poe, embracing him. He held her without question, like he had earlier, him and Finn, when Rey had cried from the relief of it, knowing they were safe. Poe’s soft hair tickled her cheek and Rey clutched him tighter, burying her face. He smelled like sweat and the inside of his X-wing cockpit and Rey didn’t know why that was so comforting.
It was weird, probably, and Rey did it without thinking. She kissed Poe’s cheek, and then his neck; he shivered faintly and didn’t let go.
“Rey,” he said, and Rey kissed his jaw.
Poe slid his hands over her back and tilted his face so her next kiss landed closer to his mouth. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” he asked, and Rey nodded.
She did, desperately, though she wasn’t sure she could communicate why. She only knew that she needed, and she wanted, and apparently Poe did, too, and maybe that was good enough.
For a moment she considered letting Finn know she was leaving, but a flush burned up the back of her neck as she thought about having that conversation. Finn was in the middle of a cluster of ex-stormtroopers; Rey could talk to him later.
When Rey stood, she extended her hand. Poe took it with the smallest, slightest sly smile and let her lead him away.
Rey looked to the edge of the trees and there was still nothing there. There was no one there, and it was okay; she held Poe’s hand and it was okay.
Right now, for this moment, she had everything she needed.