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Ferris didn't often think of what happened to Halt. He refused to acknowledge his guilt, however small it might be. And he did feel guilt, but not enough to regret his actions.
When he did think of Halt, it was terrible. He wondered if Halt's bones were sitting on the bottom of the river, polished and white. He wondered if Halt had dragged himself to shore and the forest, collapsing into endless sleep. He wondered if he would ever be able to get the image of his brother's face as he fell into the river out of his mind. He won’t, Ferris decides.
Ferris would be in a mood for days after, snapping at servants and refusing to talk to anyone. His birthday was the worst. Well, their birthday. It was always a big celebration where no one mentioned the dead prince. A big celebration that people had to be coerced into coming. A big celebration where Ferris drank too much in a futile attempt to drown out his brother's voice in his head. Caitlyn was already gone- there was no one else to chastise him now except for the ghosts in his head.
On his birthday, Ferris always stumbles into his room drunk. He can still see the ghosts of Caitlyn and Halt but he can't hear them. For that he is grateful for. He dreads what they would say; not that he doesn't deserve their ire. Ferris knows he does, but the longer he can put off the confrontation, the better. If that makes him a coward, he’s fine with that. Halt and Caitlyn can glare all they want, but they can't change the past nor can they stop Ferris. No one can stop Ferris.
The first birthday after Halt's death was horrible. No one knew whether the affair was somber or celebratory. Ferris was drunker than anyone there and Caitlyn was dressed in mourning black. Clonmel didn't know how to celebrate. The party ended with the prince regent throwing up on his plate and the princess leaving the feast early, the disgust evident on her face. No one could blame her, they all wanted to leave too.
~
Halt receives news of Caitlyn's death and drinks himself into a stupor that night. It's the only thing that will dull the pain. It's not a pretty sight. Crowley is the only one to see Halt in this state and he grants Halt immediate leave to go to Clonmel for her funeral. No one notices the cloaked man at the crown princess' funeral and no one notices the tears running down his face.
Halt didn't think of Ferris at all if he could help it. He could go years without thinking of Ferris, of thinking about Dun Kilty really. He only thought about Caitlyn, of the good times they had together in childhood. She was gone now; her funeral was the one time Halt had gone back to Clonmel. Only Caitlyn could have gotten him back there. No one paid attention to the hooded man in back, searching the crowd. His eyes stopped when they reached up front. A young boy, no more than six, was holding the hand of the king. It might've been a tender scene if Halt could bear to look at his brother. All he wanted to do was snatch young Sean from Ferris and take the boy with him to Araluen. He didn't and he regrets it every day.
When he did think of Ferris, and he rarely did, it was never in anger. It was only in regret, regret that Ferris had gone to such extreme. Halt hated that Ferris tried to kill him, but if he hadn't, Halt would've never met Will. Halt would have given up his throne in a heartbeat if Ferris had asked for it. Well, maybe not. Even when Ferris was a teen, anyone could see that he would be a horrible king. Too eager to have everyone like him and too conniving for his own good. Halt sometimes wondered if he had unleashed a monster onto Clonmel by not going back and putting Ferris on trial. He would wonder if he was selfish for shirking his duty. And then he would look over at Crowley or Will, who ever was close by. Halt would look down at his oakleaf and those thoughts were banished from his mind until the next birthday a year later.
Halt rarely celebrated his birthday. When pressed, he would make up a date and everyone who asked got a different date. It didn't take long for people to realize this and take the hint. Halt tries to pretend that he doesn’t miss celebrating his birthday with Caitlyn and Ferris, with family before it all turned sour. Halt's birthdays were celebrated alone in his cabin or in the woods depending on his mission. If he was in his cabin, Halt allowed himself one cup of wine. If he didn't allow himself that release, he could see Caitlyn's ghost and he could see Ferris in his reflection. Halt couldn't bear the similarities to his brother and Caitlyn was too painful a topic to think about in conjunction with Ferris. So he drank just enough to blur the memories of the past. He ignores Caitlyn’s ghost and her silent stares.
~
It seemed like Ferris had traded Caitlyn for Halt. His death for her death. Ferris, despite being the odious person he was, loved Caitlyn. Most of the time he couldn't stand being around her, her criticism and unwavering fire made it too hard, but he loved her. Her presence made Ferris aware of his faults and it shamed him. Regardless, Ferris had loved Caitlyn more than he loved Halt. He had grieved and shed real tears at the news of her death. Not that he allowed anyone to see him like that. A king had to keep up appearances, had to appear strong. But Ferris resented Caitlyn. Sometimes, in the dark depths of the night, on nights where he swore he could see the ghosts of Halt and Caitlyn, Ferris wonders if he killed Caitlyn. Not consciously, but subconsciously. Ferris wonders if he could have done something that would have prevented Caitlyn's illness-perhaps listened to her more, perhaps moved her out of the drafty castle- but he didn't do anything. And that was the problem. Ferris killed his brother and essentially killed his sister. No wonder he was such a terrible king.
~
Halt sometimes wondered if he had left Caitlyn to die. Wondered if Ferris had killed her. The thought was ridiculous. Ferris had always hated Halt, but he had loved Caitlyn. It might have been his one redeeming quality. No, Halt knew Ferris hadn't killed Caitlyn outright, but Halt had always been the one who had been attentive to Caitlyn in her sickness, knowing what would make her feel better. Ferris might've neglected to heed Caitlyn's warnings. Halt might’ve killed his sister with his absence.
He's never told anyone the truth about Hibernia. He never tells anyone he's from Clonmel, but Pauline is clever. She can spot a lie a mile away and it was pretty clear that Halt was lying in some way. It all clicks together as she goes to Dun Kilty in Clonmel as part of an ensemble group. Pauline sees King Ferris and she sees a distorted version of Halt on the throne. After poking around, rumors swirl and when she's back in Araluen and sees Halt, it all clicks together. She never confronts Halt about it. Pauline cares too much for Halt to ask Halt about it. He can tell people when he deems the time right. Pauline does act as a sort of buffer, protecting Halt by keeping the Hibernian diplomats far away from Halt as possible. When one of them asks to meet the famous Halt Arratay that was the savior of Araluen, she brings in a redheaded man, confused, but doing his best impression of a grumpy, overworked dad. Crowley doesn't ask any questions. He too knows a little about Halt's past, enough to be unflinching and unquestioning.
~
Caitlyn thought of Halt often, how could she not? She saw his face on his brother every single day. Good days were days where she could successfully evade Ferris and never see Halt's face. Nevertheless, she thought of Halt every day. He was in the woods, the training grounds, in the ballroom where nobles were bored, everywhere. The one place she couldn't see him was in the throne room. His seat where he was denied. Halt would have made a good king; the best kings are the ones who don’t want the position.
She could barely stand to look at Ferris. He denied it being murder, but Caitlyn knew with every ounce of her being that he killed Halt. She wasn't in any danger, as long as she never spoke out too much. Caitlyn figures that Ferris kept her alive to alleviate some of the guilt he felt. Ferris knows that Caitlyn knows it was murder and it was fine with Caitlyn that Ferris knew that. Someone had to keep Ferris on his toes. It might as well be her, no one else was stepping up.
There was always the overwhelming desire to speak up, to remove Ferris from the throne. But Caitlyn had to be careful and eventually she had Sean to think about. She tries to distance Sean from Ferris, but she gets sicker and sicker and Ferris slowly worms his way into Sean's life. Caitlyn doesn't fear for Sean's life, he'll be the heir and he's Caitlyn's beloved son, but she does worry about the type of man Sean will become. Sean is a good boy, but Ferris has a way of corrupting people. She hopes that Sean will be more like her than he is like his uncle Ferris. Caitlyn wouldn't mind it if Sean turned out to be like his uncle Halt and it seemed like he would, but with a bit more self preservation. If anyone could take down Ferris, it would be Sean. Good, kind Sean who knows how to play the courts of Clonmel already. When Caitlyn is drawing her last breath, Sean is there to comfort her, but the most comfort comes when he whispers in her ear that he will bid his time and only after the time is right will Ferris be off the throne. Caitlyn passes with the ghost of a smile on her face. Sean straightens up and quells the fire in his eyes before going to inform the doctor that his mother has passed. The tears overwhelm his face.
On Halt's birthday, Caitlyn always drank in his honor. Never much- she's not Ferris- but enough to dull the ache of missing her brother. The pain never goes away, but if Caitlyn drinks just the right amount, she swears she can see Halt dressed in a strange cloak with a bow slung across his back. The hallucination (or ghost, Caitlyn doesn't care either way) never speaks and if it guides Caitlyn to Ferris' room to yell at him and torment the living prince, well no one can blame the poor sickly princess, least of all Ferris. It's the one thing that dulls the ache.
This tradition continues long after Caitlyn passes. Ferris always sees the ghosts of both his siblings. They torment him silently. However, Caitlyn never sees the Halt figure again after her death. She hopes it's because he managed to escape. Ferris still sees both siblings and it gives Caitlyn the utmost sense of satisfaction.
~
Halt's first birthday after he fled from Clonmel was spent fighting and planning a war. His birthday went unacknowledged even by himself, except when Halt allowed himself one cup of wine. Halt, by nature, didn't drink if he could help it. It wasn't that he was a lightweight (though he told everyone that was the reason- that lie will come in handy later) but because he saw how people became in a thrall to alcohol and Halt vowed that he would always be free. It's definitely not because Ferris always seemed to like wine a little too much and Halt wants to distance himself from his brother. It's definitely not because of that.
In that first year Halt tries not to think about what would happen if Duncan were to try and send him to Hibernia for a mission or if Ferris came here and met Duncan. It would mean the end of everything, of the life he’s started to build in Araluen. He tries to downplay his accent, it’s too thick, and avoids any mention of Clonmel. Halt hates it, but soon it comes naturally enough. If Crowley gives him an odd look every once in a while or Duncan makes an offhand mention of how there’s a Hibernian group visiting soon, Halt pays them no extra attention.
~
When Halt enters the throne room of Clonmel for the first time in decades, Ferris swears it's the ghost of his brother finally coming for him in the day. It's not and Ferris thinks that's even worse. He can't look his brother in the eye and Ferris can't face the fact that he knows he's a terrible king and an even worse brother, but he's not going to stop now. All his petulant teenage angst comes bubbling up and it takes a punch to the face to even start to chip away at it.
Sean sees his long lost uncle, the one his mother said she occasionally saw the ghost of like it was no big deal, and his resolve hardens. All his fire and passion, the plans that he's had to push down threaten to burst through. Now is the time to start taking Ferris down, he can install Halt back on the throne. Sean's confused when Halt tells him that he doesn't want the throne, but he thinks he understand when he sees Halt chuckling with the young ranger and knight. His uncle has a life outside of Clonmel and Sean's life is Clonmel. He swears he can see his mother's ghost nodding at him from the corner of his eye. It's time she seems to say and Sean is inclined to agree.
~
Halt sometimes wonders what could have he done to change Ferris. Caitlyn sometimes wondered how she could stop Ferris. Ferris sometimes wondered why he is the way he is. The answers rarely pleased any off them.