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They stumble in through Xie Lian’s apartment door, breathless and laughing and wet.
Xie Lian props himself up against the wall, giggling and shivering while Hua Cheng tugs off his boots, the black leather soaking. Their heads are very close in the narrow entryway, Xie Lian can see the cowlick in Hua Cheng’s eyebrow slicked flat from rainwater, and old acne scars on his temple and cheeks. The little bit of redness where his eyepatch digs into his skin.
He and Hua Cheng usually work together at the library for a few hours each Sunday, prepping their TA work for the week. There’s a quiet little corner that the undergrads don’t seem to know about or maybe have learned to steer clear of, where they’ll spread their grading and readings all over the table. It’s nice, Xie Lian hadn’t had anyone to work with for the majority of his Master's program and Hua Cheng is quiet while working, and calming to sit with. They usually walk home together too, or Hua Cheng will walk Xie Lian back to his apartment complex and then branch off towards the university art studio to check on any undergrads still there. Hua Cheng never comes inside, and Xie Lian hasn’t been to Hua Cheng’s apartment yet either, but he assumes it’s just as nice and expensive-looking as everything else Hua Cheng owns.
They got caught in the rain while walking back from the library today, and obviously Xie Lian’s apartment is the closest. He hadn’t even had the time to be nervous about Hua Cheng seeing the inside of his place for the first time while they ran there. Now that their breaths are slowing and the sound of rain is a distant thrum on the windows, he can feel the anxiety kicking in.
“Slippers?” Hua Cheng asks when their laughter runs out. His voice is a little hoarse like he thinks he’s supposed to be quiet. Xie Lian understands, somehow it feels wrong to break the stillness that’s settled in the dim light of Xie Lian’s entryway.
There’s only one pair of house slippers at the front door, he so rarely has visitors and usually doesn’t need more than the one set.
“I’ll go grab some,” Xie Lian nods, toeing off his sneakers and hopping up the landing into the apartment.
He flips on lights as he goes, shuffling across the wood floors into his bedroom. It branches off the main living space, but it hardly counts as its own room. He’s put up some screens to try and make it feel more separate and an old flat sheet, pinned to the ceiling.
In his meager shoe collection, he has a pair of slippers that will probably fit Hua Cheng alright, and he gathers all of his towels and a blanket from his bed. Ruoye is sleeping on his pillow, and he gives a little "mrep" of greeting when Xie Lian bends to give him a quick scratch between his ears.
He drapes a towel over his own shoulders, tugging his hair out from under it and does the same for Hua Cheng when he reaches him. He also throws the blanket over Hua Cheng who starts protesting immediately.
“Gege, I’ll get your blanket wet-”
“It’s fine,” Xie Lian shakes his head, setting the slippers in front of Hua Cheng. “I’ll just dry it. The heating doesn’t work in this place and I don’t want you to be cold.”
He squats on the lip of the landing and picks up Hua Cheng’s boots, using a hand towel to wipe away the water. Xie Lian used to have nice boots like these, and he knows if you let the water sit, it’ll just ruin the leather. He’s pretty sure they were one of the first things he sold, back when-
“Gege,” Hua Cheng calls and Xie Lian blinks, glancing up at him.
He’s got a funny look on his face, staring down at Xie Lian, eyes flickering between him and the boots. Xie Lian is still sort of absently wiping the towel down the tongue and over the laces. He sets them down on the hand towel once he’s satisfied that they’re dry, his own sneakers left to sit in a puddle. Hua Cheng's gaze gets caught on their shoes, looking where his black books rest near Xie Lian’s greying sneakers (they were white once, and quite trendy, but they’re so worn that that doesn’t really matter).
“San Lang?” Xie Lian prompts and his dark eye refocuses on him.
“You haven’t even dried yourself yet,” Hua Cheng scolds gently, hands careful on Xie Lian’s shoulders to draw him up.
He pulls the towel from Xie Lian’s shoulders and uses it to squeeze water out of his hair. Xie Lian lets himself relax into Hua Cheng’s gentle attention, eyes closing. He sways slightly, feeling warmed up from the inside despite the fact that he’s still standing in his wet clothes. The towel skims over his face and he opens his eyes in surprise. Hua Cheng is avoiding his gaze while he dries Xie Lian’s brow, his neck. He dries off the slope of his nose with a sort of flourish that makes Xie Lian laugh sharply. The spell breaks and suddenly it doesn’t feel like they have to be so quiet anymore.
“Alright, alright, gege is dry,” Xie Lian insists. “Come on, I probably have something you could change into.”
Hua Cheng steps into the slippers Xie Lian had retrieved and then into the apartment, his eye bright as if he’s just realized where he is.
“Will you give me a grand tour?” He asks and Xie Lian barks another laugh.
“This is my living room, and dining room, and kitchen,” He waves his hands grandly through the room, walking backward past his dingy little couch.
The kitchen is more like a kitchenette, just a sink, a half fridge, and some counter space. There’s not even really cupboards, all of his food is stored in a bookshelf Xie Lian found on a street corner. The living room is pretty much made up of his couch and the coffee table that he eats at, as well as a TV that would have been considered old five years ago.
“How wise, to have one room for everything,” Hua Cheng says sagely and Xie Lian giggles. “It’s very minimalist, I like it.”
“The walls are kinda bare,” Xie Lian admits. “I miss having things to put up.”
He used to have paintings and prints and pictures all over his walls back at his parents' house, and then again in his college dorm room. The content would change over the years, but it would always be variations on a theme. Pretty paintings that caught his eye, polaroids of his friends, occasionally a band poster. Now, decorations are the last thing on his mind when he has money to spend. And he doesn’t have much of anyone to take pictures with...
Hua Cheng hums and tilts his head at the walls consideringly, “we'll have to fix that, then.”
Warmth floods Xie Lian’s face and he nods shyly. He leads the way back to his bedroom, drawing the sheet aside and letting Hua Cheng slip in behind him.
“And this is where I sleep,” Xie Lian gestures to the bed and ducks his head into his closet, digging around for something that will fit Hua Cheng. He might have some stuff still from when Feng Xin used to visit...
He’s so busy looking that he doesn’t notice that Hua Cheng has gone quiet and still behind him until he’s turning around with a long-sleeved tee and some sweats in his hands. Hua Cheng is staring at the bed, that strange look from before on his face.
“Gege...” he says, voice trailing off.
“What’s wrong, San Lang?” Xie Lian asks, glancing at the bed too. It looks pretty normal, minus the blanket he’d given Hua Cheng. “Do you not like cats? I can shoo Ruoye away...”
“No, gege, it’s just...You don’t have a bed.”
Xie Lian blinks and glances back at his bed, “uh? I do?”
“No I mean,” Hua Cheng huffs and starts miming a sort of square shape. “You don’t have a bed frame. For your mattress.”
Ah. Realization dawns and Xie Lian just shrugs. “Yeah, I haven’t been able to find one for cheap. I was lucky to get this mattress at all. Besides, it’s sort of like a futon, right?”
“Not really,” Hua Cheng sounds strained. “It’s a mattress on the floor.”
“It’s not a big deal, San Lang,” Xie Lian snorts and passes over the clothes. “You would have lost it before, I didn’t have a fitted sheet for it until like, three months ago.”
Hua Cheng’s eyebrows go up the way they do when he’s being a little bit judgemental. Xie Lian isn’t often on the receiving end of that look and it makes embarrassment churn in his stomach.
“It’s not a big deal,” he repeats and shepherds Hua Cheng out of the room and into his little bathroom. “Hang up your clothes in the shower to dry, okay? The dryer would probably just melt them.”
Hua Cheng seems to want to protest but Xie Lian closes the door behind him, quickly and firmly.
Xie Lian changes out of his wet clothes too, pulling on an old high school track hoodie and a pair of joggers. He gives a little shiver while he’s changing, tugging on some thick socks and pulling his hair up into a bun. With a sigh, he flops down onto his bed- mattress- and curls up near Ruoye, giving him little pets while he waits.
Ruoye starts to purr and push into his hands, shifting to curl up against his face. Xie Lian breathes in his musty cat smell and sighs again, settling deeper into the bed.
He must start to doze because he doesn’t hear when the bathroom door opens, or when Hua Cheng shuffles back into the bedroom. He stirs when he feels a weight over him, gentle hands settling a blanket around him.
“San Lang?” He murmurs, giving a little yawn and stretch.
The hands still and then there’s shifting beside him. He blinks open his eyes and Hua Cheng is there, sitting on the edge of his bed and smiling down at him.
Half asleep, Xie Lian smiles back up at him slowly, reaching up to pat Hua Cheng’s arms. His hands feel sleepy and heavy as he brushes some of Hua Cheng’s wet hair off his shoulder, lightly tracing the damp spot it’s made in his borrowed shirt. He doesn’t notice Hua Cheng freezing under his ministrations.
“Hmm, San Lang, do you want something to eat?”
Hua Cheng exhales slowly, shaking his head minutely. “It’s okay, gege, you can nap if you want.”
“That’s alright,” Xie Lian starts to sit up, and Ruoye meows in protest. “If I sleep too long now, I won’t be able to fall asleep tonight.”
Hua Cheng makes an acknowledging noise in the back of his throat, rising and helping Xie Lian to his feet.
“This cat...” he starts, looking down at where Ruoye is stretching to his feet. “You said it’s called Ruoye?”
“Mhmm! I found him on the streets when he was a kitten.” He reaches over to scratch down his back, coaxing the cat closer. “He was half-starved and covered in dirt. I didn’t even know he was white until I washed him.”
(Xie Lian doesn’t mention that, he was practically “on the streets” himself at that point in his life. He doesn’t think Hua Cheng would judge him for it, but he’s noticed his friend’s eyes get kind of tight and worried whenever he mentions things like that.)
“He’s been my closest friend for years,” Xie Lian smiles softly at the cat, glancing at Hua Cheng out of the corner of his eyes. “My only friend, for some of them.”
Hua Cheng extends a hand to Ruoye, waiting patiently until the sleek white cat approaches him. Ruoye is fairly friendly, as cats go, and gives the offered fingers a delicate sniff before butting his head against Hua Cheng’s hand. Permission granted, Hua Cheng pets lightly down his back, fingers twining around Ruoye’s flicking tail.
“Thank you for taking such good care of gege for all these years,” he murmurs, almost as if he hasn’t noticed he’s said it.
Affection fills up Xie Lian’s chest until he feels like his ribs are going to break with it. He clenches his hands into his hoodie pockets to stop himself from reaching out and wrapping himself around Hua Cheng. He wants to bundle them both in blankets and sit on the couch and talk for hours and hours while the rain pours steadily outside. He wants to grasp his hands and tangle their fingers into knots and never let go. He wants to spend forever watching the way Hua Cheng lights up when he talks about something he’s just read or a piece of art he’s working on, the way his eye shines so bright.
He wants, he wants, he wants.
“San Lang, let me cook for you,” Xie Lian says eventually when he’s gotten himself a bit more under control. Something in his voice must give him away because Hua Cheng looks up from where he’s petting Ruoye, his expression searching.
He stares for a moment before settling, satisfied with whatever he’s found in Xie Lian’s face.
“Okay, gege. I’ll be happy to eat whatever you make me.”
People have tried to flatter Xie Lian a lot in the past. Mostly back when he was younger, less so these days.
It took Xie Lian a long time to learn the difference between compliments just for the sake of it and compliments that meant something else. Word and attention were given in exchange for his influence, his connections. He ran into a lot of people who would do this, especially in semi-professional martial arts. He ended up getting pretty good at figuring out when people wanted something from him, and if he could give it to them.
But it’s been a long time since someone has tried to use him. Once he didn’t have any connections or influence, people left. When he was young, he’d had a lot of friends, but most of them were the kind of people who wouldn’t stick around when his life was falling apart. The kind of people who liked him because of what he could do for them.
Sure, there were a few exceptions. Feng Xin and Mu Qing surely liked him once, though they were also people brought into life due to circumstance rather than choice. And when those circumstances changed, well. Eventually, they left too. He couldn’t really blame them.
He’s gotten a lot better at taking people at face value. At the college where he’s getting his Masters, there really aren’t many people who know who he is. Or, who he was. Still, sometimes he catches himself coming into interactions thinking people are expecting things from him.
It hadn’t been like that with Hua Cheng.
They’d both been TAs together in a course that was probably the only class that would ever cover both Ancient Chinese Weaponry and Studio Arts. Due to some faulty scheduling and last-minute changes, Xie Lian didn’t even know he was going to TA for that particular course until the day of and had stumbled into the lecture 30 minutes late.
Xie Lian wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d gotten mad, but Hua Cheng had been nothing but accommodating. He sat down with Xie Lian after that first lecture to help him catch up on the content of the course. The lecture was so big (it was one of those courses that were only offered every few years and the professor was infamous for being amazing) that they had to split the students in half, and then again into a few groups for discussions. It was Hua Cheng who suggested weekly meetings to sort out what they would talk about in their discussion groups, and those same meetings turned into their Sunday work sessions even after the term had ended.
Hua Cheng has a way of saying exactly what he means. He’s forthcoming with praise and critiques, and Xie Lian has been in enough office hours with him to know he’s tough on his students but well-meaning, and kind when they’re genuinely struggling. He doesn’t have the patience for excuses or long-winded people, but he always listens so attentively when Xie Lian is describing an aspect of his thesis work, or even just rambling about his day. And he remembers things, funny little details that Xie Lian himself would forget, and seems to find what Xie Lian has to say genuinely interesting.
Hua Cheng has never made Xie Lian feel inferior despite being so handsome and talented and good, but Xie Lian always wants to impress him, perhaps to prove that he’s worthy of his admiration. (Prove to himself more than Hua Cheng.) He couldn’t explain why Hua Cheng took to him so fast other than he was just lucky to have gained the friendship of the best person he‘s ever met.
And he tells himself that friendship is all he needs but then Hua Cheng will do something extra considerate, or even just smile a little brighter than usual and Xie Lian will be faced with reality.
He’s been in love with him for months now, desperately and helplessly.
Sometimes he thinks that it’s reciprocated, when he catches Hua Cheng watching him carefully for his reaction to something that’s just happened, or the way his gaze will go liquid and soft when Xie Lian gets really excited about some sword he’s researching. But he can’t be sure and losing Hua Cheng as a friend because he misread things or was hasty is the worst thing he can possibly imagine. Keeping Hua Cheng close feels much more important than any feelings...
Something has to give, sooner or later, and Xie Lian is prepared to fall over the edge either way. He just hopes that Hua Cheng is there to catch him when he does.
It’s nearing midnight when Xie Lian manages to duck into the locker room and pull out his phone.
His part-time janitor gig usually doesn’t run this late, but there was a basketball game tonight and Xie Lian had to wait until the whole gym cleared out before he could start cleaning. There was food and garbage left all throughout the stands and he hasn’t even started cleaning the locker room, which means he won’t be home for hours yet.
He scrolls through his phone to one of the few numbers he has saved. It takes a couple of attempts to actually press it, the cracks in his screen make his phone near impossible to use most of the time.
Shifting back and forth while it rings, he sends up a silent prayer that Hua Cheng will still be awake and at the studio, as he often is on weekends.
“Gege?" The phone clicks and Hua Cheng’s familiar voice comes through. Xie Lian breathes a sigh of relief. “ What’s up?"
“San Lang, hi,” he greets. “Sorry to bother you so late.”
“It’s fine, you can call me whenever you need to. I’ll pick up no matter what."
Xie Lian sort of doubts that, but then again, Hua Cheng has never lied to him before.
“Ah, you’re too kind. Are you at the studio?”
"Mn, just wrapping up, actually. Gege has impeccable timing."
“Ah, perfect! I wanted to ask you a favor if that’s alright? I have to stay late at the Rec and I realized I haven’t fed Ruoye yet. Do you think you could swing by my apartment on your way home?”
Hua Cheng is quiet for a long moment and Xie Lian starts to panic, wondering if he’s overstepped.
“Haha, if not, I totally understand-” he starts but Hua Cheng cuts him off.
“You’re still working?" His tone is a little odd.
Xie Lian laughs sheepishly. “Ah, yeah. There was a game tonight and it took a while before everyone cleared out.”
“Gege, it’s midnight. Are they allowed to keep you this late?"
“It’s fine, San Lang. It’s not like I could go home knowing this isn’t done. Besides, I’m used to it!” Xie Lian brushes it off easily. “I’ll get overtime for this too, which is great cause I’m running low on cat food...”
Hua Cheng is quiet for another moment. Xie Lian knows that his friend can be a bit sensitive about his financial situation, more so out of worry than anything else. He mentally smacks himself for rambling and bringing up things that will make Hua Cheng uncomfortable. He’s about to call the whole thing off when Hua Cheng finally speaks.
“I’ll take care of it," Hua Cheng assures. “Do I need to come by and get your key?"
“Ah, thank you, San Lang!” Xie Lian cheers. “No, I have a spare in the flowerpot by my door.”
" ... in the flowerpot?" There’s finally some of the familiar humor in Hua Cheng’s voice. “ Like, actually in the dirt?"
“Don’t tease me! It’s less obvious like that, I’ve had keys stolen before.” He humphs. “This way is safer.”
“I see." Hua Cheng’s voice is tight again and Xie Lian can hear some rustling in the background. “ Gege is right, as always."
“Now you’re really teasing me,” Xie Lian sighs. “Anyways, Ruoye needs a half scoop of the dry food and then I mix in some tuna, there should be a can in the fridge.”
Hua Cheng hums in understanding. “Do you often have to stay this late, gege?"
He seems determined to not let the subject drop.
“Only on game weekends,” Xie Lian assures.
“What do you usually do for Ruoye then?"
Embarrassment rises in Xie Lian and he starts to pace the length of the locker room. “Ah, I used to ask Mu Qing or Feng Xin to go over but they haven’t for a while haha...”
Silence on the line.
"I see." Hua Cheng finally says. “If you want, I could do this for you from now on?"
“Oh god, would you?” Xie Lian feels equal parts surprised and relieved. “That would be amazing but...I don’t want to bother you.”
“You’re never a bother," Hua Cheng says firmly. “ Never."
Xie Lian wants to protest, or disagree but...Hua Cheng has never lied to him before...
“Okay then, San Lang. Thank you.” He responds, layering as much sincerity as he can into his voice. “How about you just hold onto the spare key? That way you don’t have to dig through the flower pot every time.”
Now Hua Cheng sounds a little hesitant. “Gege, are you sure?”
“Of course! I trust you completely. That way if you even need to crash at my place too you can get in whether I’m there or not. I know sometimes you stay late at the studio...”
The pause this time is much briefer. “En, alright. I will try to be worthy of your trust.”
Xie Lian breathes deep through his nose, trying to reign in his emotions. Ah....San Lang, you already are.........
“Text me when you’re headed home, okay?" Hua Cheng asks, his voice is painfully earnest. “I’ll worry otherwise."
“Mn. I will.” Xie Lian says and they make their goodbyes.
He ends up working for another two hours. By the time he’s finished up everything and locked up, it’s nearly two in the morning. All at once, he’s grateful for how close his apartment is to campus. He’d really prioritized distance over quality when apartment hunting, but it’s not like this is the worst place he’s ever lived. It's one of the better ones, actually.
He texts Hua Cheng while he’s walking, a quick ‘omw home!! thank you again san lang!!'. His legs are numb as he scales the stairs up to his door and his aching hands fumble with the key at the lock. There’s this tension in his lower back that he tries to stretch out, but without someone else to massage it for him, it’s unlikely that he’ll get relief tonight.
(Feng Xin used to do it, Mu Qing too, sometimes. He briefly considers asking Hua Cheng about it but something about the image of him sitting over him, straddling his legs while Xie Lian is sprawled out underneath him makes his pulse quicken. It had never felt like anything but favor with Feng Xin and Mu Qing, he’d done the same for them, after they’d been at training late, or before matches. But with San Lang....)
All he wants is to take a shower and fall into bed, but there’s a light still on in the kitchen and he frowns. Maybe Hua Cheng had left it on by accident when he stopped by, but that doesn’t seem very like him. He’s usually quite attentive.
Xie Lian pads over to the light, about to turn it off when a plastic bag on the counter catches his eyes. There’s a little post-it note on the front, with Hua Cheng’s familiar, terrible penmanship on it.
I figured you probably didn’t have dinner so I picked up some food from your favorite place. Rest well, gege, let’s get coffee tomorrow!
There’s a little drawing too, sort of a kaomoji that is smiling with its tongue out. Hua Cheng had added his eyepatch to it, and little sparkles. Xie Lian’s heart clenches.
The bag is humid on the inside, its contents still warm. He breaks it open and discovers a container of wonton soup and a tray with chow mein, rice, and bouilli. It smells amazing and Xie Lian fights the urge to cry or maybe laugh hysterically.
He scarfs down the food in a rush, standing in the middle of his kitchen. He hadn’t even realized how hungry he was until he was eating. It’s likely he wouldn’t have eaten anything at all tonight, had there not been something waiting. Part of him feels bad that he’s not savoring the food Hua Cheng had bought him but the other part of him is too hungry and too tired to care.
Dragging himself through the rest of his nighttime routine, Xie Lian settles into bed and tugs out his phone. Ruoye has appeared from wherever in the apartment he was hiding and curls up right next to his head.
Me
Thank you for dinner, San Lang! And yes to coffee, let me treat you as thanks.
He’s got the post-it note in his other hand, pinching it so it flicks back and forth. The adhesive on the back is still pretty tacky, so he sits up and sticks it to the wall by his bed, right where he can see it.
By the time he’s lying back down, there’s a reply.
San Lang
Whatever you want! Text me when you wake up. Sleep sweet gg ♡
“Sleep sweet,” Xie Lian says aloud and stares at that little heart until his eyes ache. His hand dips to his chest as he drifts off to sleep.
It’s a few weeks later before Hua Cheng actually uses the spare key. And, surprisingly, it’s not to feed the cat.
Xie Lian has been home most of the day, having only had a tutorial early that morning and a discussion to prepare for tomorrow. He’s kind of luxuriating in it, sprawled on his couch with reading in one hand and a mug of tea in the other, when he gets a text.
San Lang
GG, are you home?
Me
Yeah, for once ahaha, what’s up?
San Lang
Could I come by for a bit?
Me
Of course!
Xie Lian looks down at his coffee-stained tee shirt and basketball shorts. There’s a sprawl of papers and take-out containers around him too. It’s probably not the worst state Hua Cheng has ever seen him in, but certainly not great. He hops off the couch to at least clear away the takeout boxes.
The living room/dining room/kitchen is looking a lot tidier by the time a key turns in the lock and Xie Lian is startled for a moment before he remembers that he’d given Hua Cheng his spare key.
Hua Cheng is looking a little worse for wear when he comes in, his shoulders sloped low.
“Hey gege, I hope it’s okay I let myself in.” His voice is a bit quiet, a little slow.
Xie Lian hurries over, waving his hands. “It’s fine, that’s why I gave you the key.”
Hua Cheng nods and leans over, trying to get his boots off but he seems dead on his feet. Xie Lian winces when the usually graceful man loses his balance and has to catch himself on the wall.
“Here, let me-” he says, crouching on the ground.
“Gege, it’s fine, just-” Hua Cheng begins.
But Xie Lian takes one of Hua Cheng’s legs into his hand, deftly untying the laces before pulling it off. Hua Cheng is quiet while he works, and quiet still when Xie Lian picks up the slippers he now leaves out for Hua Cheng and puts them on his feet. He holds Hua Cheng’s calf while he does so and absently notes the flex in the muscle there.
Xie Lian rises quickly, dusting off the back of his shorts before he can look at Hua Cheng again. His one visible eye is wide, but he still looks very tired. His hair is in a low ponytail instead of carefully styled like usual, and even his clothes are a little less done up, just a simple maroon sweater and jeans with holes that look genuine rather than stylish.
“Are you alright, San Lang?” Xie Lian asks, hands fluttering near Hua Cheng’s shoulder as if to catch him, steady him.
“Mn, yeah, just tired.” He replies, glancing away. “You had mentioned before that I could crash here? Would that be okay for tonight?”
“Ah, yes!” Xie Lian nods and backs into the room a little further. “Have you eaten yet? I think I have some leftovers.”
Xie Lian guides him to the couch and heats up something he made for dinner last night. Hua Cheng is pliant, his gaze distant when Xie Lian returns, mechanically bringing food to his mouth and chewing. Half of Xie Lian is worried that his friend is so tired and the other half is endeared by the sleepy way he gathers noodles with his chopsticks, how his head starts to dip as he sits there.
Once he’s finished, Xie Lian draws the bowl from his hands and puts it in his sink to clean later. He ducks into his bedroom and grabs the same old sweatpants and tee from last time, and steps through the sheet and right into Hua Cheng.
“San Lang, oh god, you startled me!” Xie Lian exclaims, gripping the clothes closer to his chest.
Hua Cheng’s eye is dark as he stares down at Xie Lian, and their height difference is made all the more obvious by their proximity.
“Sorry, gege.” He says, sincerely apologetic. “Sorry, can I-”
He cuts himself off, turning his head to the side. He scuffs his slipper on the floor and Xie Lian is surprised, he’s not sure that he’s ever seen Hua Cheng act like this. Like he’s...shy? Nervous?
“Can you...?” Xie Lian repeats, tilting his head.
“Never mind, it’s fine.” Hua Cheng sounds defeated. “I’ll take those clothes...”
“No, wait a minute,” Xie Lian pulls the clothes tighter to his chest. “What’s going on?”
“It’s really fine, gege.”
Frowning, Xie Lian stands a little taller. “San Lang. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but please. You don’t have to act like things are fine if they’re not. And, if it’s something I can help with, let me know, okay? I want to help.”
Hua Cheng glances up as if surprised.
“Please, let me help,” Xie Lian says, sincere and desperate and worried.
Looking conflicted, Hua Cheng stares down at the floor, throat bobbing as he swallows. He takes a moment to visibly get his thoughts together, before resolve steels in his eye and he looks back up.
“I had a bad day,” he admits, scratching his neck. “There’s a student that I like who is having financial troubles and I stayed late with her to try and work it out but...she’s probably going to have to drop out. Or take a break, at least, until she can get the money together. It’s not fair, she’s one of the best sculptors in the department and it fucking sucks that she can’t stay.”
It rolls out of him and Xie Lian blinks. Hua Cheng tends to only curse when he’s really upset.
“And I just...I hate that I can’t do anything for her.” Hua Cheng’s hand comes back down and his gaze comes up. “When I was in undergrad and dropped out, I didn’t have anyone, there was no one to look out for me. But she does have people who care- I care - and it’s still not going to work out. I’m pissed and...sad. I guess.”
He runs out of steam, eye closing and brow quirked as if he’s in pain.
Xie Lian’s heart aches for him. “San Lang...”
“I really didn’t want to bother you with it, obviously it’s kind of a sensitive issue for me... I probably could have gotten home fine but...being with gege makes me feel better.” The last part is said in a whisper and his hands are balled into fists. He looks scared, all of a sudden, like maybe he said more than he had planned.
Xie Lian is at a loss, not quite sure what to say to make things alright. Finally, he turns and tosses the clothes onto his bed and holds out his arms.
“San Lang, can I give you a hug?” He asks and Hua Cheng looks up very quickly.
He stares for a moment before nodding slowly and Xie Lian reaches up to wrap his arms around Hua Cheng’s shoulders.
He is stiff for a moment before a shudder runs through his whole body and he seems to melt and shrink, his arms coming around Xie Lian’s waist. He continues to shake, not crying but trembling. Xie Lian murmurs soothing words and rubs his hands down Hua Cheng’s back, over his hair until long after the trembling stops. He isn’t sure how long they stand there, holding each other.
Eventually, he draws away, hands coming up to cup Hua Cheng’s face. He looks a little better, still tired but less tense.
“Thank you for telling me San Lang.” Xie Lian whispers. “I’m sorry this is so hard for you. But please don’t feel like you have to hide your problems from me. I want to know, okay?”
Hua Cheng seems to hesitate, not able to maintain eye contact.
“Hey, I’m serious.” Xie Lian says, reaching up to give his ears a little tug. “If I’m not bothering you when I ask you to do stuff for me, then you’re not bothering me when you share your worries with me.”
Hua Cheng closes his eye and sighs. “Okay, gege.”
“Good,” he gives his ears one more tug, for emphasis and because he can. “Now go put some pajamas on, I’ll get your bed ready.”
He passes over the clothes and Hua Cheng heads to the bathroom. Xie Lian is struck by deja vu for a moment, before getting to work. He straightens the blankets on his bed, makes sure the pillows are puffed and the quilt is straight before taking a sheet out to the couch. He’s just gotten it ready for himself when Hua Cheng comes out, looking softer with his sweatpants and his hair loose. He looks even better than before, seeming a bit more alert and settled.
“Thanks for getting this ready for me, gege.” Hua Cheng makes for the couch but Xie Lian catches him.
“Ah ah, the couch is for me. You’re sleeping on the bed.”
“Gege,” Hua Cheng says in a laughing, pleading sort of way.
“I’m serious!” He puts his hands on his hips. “The bed is for guests. I can’t make a guest sleep on that awful old couch!”
“Well, I can’t make gege sleep on that awful old couch, so we are at an impasse.” Hua Cheng says, arms crossed and just as stubborn.
They stare at each other for a few beats until they both burst into laughter, Xie Lian’s giggles are high and breathless and Hua Cheng’s chuckles low. It’s late and their laughs seem too loud in the quiet but it feels good. Comfortable and warm and nice.
“Okay, okay,” Xie Lian tries to calm his breathing as he proposes a new plan. “What if we just...shared the bed? So then, no one has to sleep on the awful old couch.”
Shockingly, Hua Cheng goes kind of shy at this suggestion. His face turns red and he glances away, looking flustered.
“Ahem. If that’s what gege wants...”
He tries to squash down how badly gege wants and nods instead. “It’s probably the only way to prevent us both from being horribly self-sacrificing.”
Hua Cheng barks a laugh and seems to relax, his gaze soft. Xie Lian turns very quickly and grabs the blankets and pillows he’d put on the couch and leads the way to the bedroom.
After he’s tossed the blankets on the bed, they both pause as if they’re unsure how to proceed. His mattress is probably a little bit small for them to have a lot of space but Xie Lian privately thinks that’s part of the appeal. Deciding to just bite the bullet, Xie Lian takes the left side of the mattress and shuffles under the blankets. He pats the bed next to him and gazes up at Hua Cheng.
Hua Cheng looks deeply conflicted for a moment and then breathes out a long breath and crawls in.
They lay on their sides, arms pillowed under their heads and looking at each other. He wonders if Hua Cheng will remove his eyepatch to sleep but he hasn’t moved to take it off yet. Ruoye shows up at some point, attempting to climb onto Hua Cheng’s head to sleep and Xie Lian ends up batting him away with a light scolding.
They’re still and quiet for a bit before he speaks up.
“San Lang,” he murmurs. “Did you know that I dropped out twice?”
Hua Cheng gives a surprised little hum, his eyebrows raising.
Xie Lian can’t quite make eye contact during this conversation, so he shuts them instead.
“I know we talked a little bit about what undergrad was like for me but...there were times when it got to be too much. That support system, you were talking about before? I lost mine, one by one. Until I didn’t have anyone at all.”
Xie Lian waits, listening to Hua Cheng’s quick, quiet breaths. With a slow, shuddering sigh, he turns his head towards the pillow.
“Both of those times, I was sure I was never going to be able to go back to school. That I had messed up my whole life by dropping out. That I was weak. A failure.”
“Gege-" Hua Cheng sounds choked and that’s what gets Xie Lian to open his eyes.
“Don’t worry, San Lang.” He gives Hua Cheng a faint smile. “I don’t think those things anymore. I had to learn the long way that failure isn’t a bad thing. That it’s okay to take a break and rest, to get your shit together.”
Hua Cheng gasps quietly, Xie Lian swears even less than him.
His smile widens. “Your student is going to okay, San Lang. If she wants to be here, she’ll come back. And if not, you caring about her is a testament to how special she is. She’ll figure out where she’s meant to be. Just like we did, right?”
After a moment, Hua Cheng says, “Gege is right,” a devastatingly gentle grin curling on his face. “As always.”
The air is a little tense again, and Xie Lian isn’t quite sure how to break that tension. Not sure if he wants to.
“Will you turn off the light?” He asks eventually, gesturing to the lamp that’s propped up on a box near the bedside.
Hua Cheng nods, rolling over to get it before pausing, gaze caught on something on the wall.
“You kept the note,” he says, voice quiet and surprised.
“Ah, yeah...” Xie Lian’s face heats. “Like I said before, I want more things to put up on the wall.”
“I remember,” Hua Cheng murmurs and then twists to get the lamp.
Darkness falls and somehow Xie Lian gets tenser. He thought maybe he’d relax when Hua Cheng’s dark eye wasn’t on him, but not being able to see him is much worse. All he can do is listen to the rustle of blankets as he turns to lay back down, feel the give of the mattress. There’s another sound that’s hard to identify, like fabric slipping, before Xie Lian realizes Hua Cheng has probably taken off his eyepatch.
He is pretty sure that Hua Cheng is facing him again and he resists the urge to reach out and find out. Instead, he snuggles deeper into his blankets and whispers, “Good night, San Lang.”
“Good night, gege,” Hua Cheng’s voice is a little closer than he anticipates and Xie Lian shivers. “Sleep sweet.”
“Sleep sweet.” He echoes.
He listens to Hua Cheng’s quiet, even breaths and finds himself growing drowsy. Despite expecting to be too nervous to sleep, Xie Lian ends up falling asleep more at ease than he has in a very long time.
Xie Lian is beginning to think he’s being purposely misled.
It starts with Shi Qingxuan inviting him out to lunch.
That, in and of itself isn’t all too unusual. She’s an old friend from undergrad, coming from a similar familial background. Actually, she’s probably the only person who knows the ins and outs of all the shit that went down in Xie Lian’s personal life back then and still talks to him. They meet every couple of weeks, usually for lunch or to grab coffee. Shi Qingxuan updates Xie Lian on her mysterious partner he has yet to meet, and her job at a magazine. In return, Xie Lian talks about his latest research and rambles about Hua Cheng for longer than is probably appropriate.
What’s unusual about this lunch date is that it occurs after Shi Qingxuan has chased Xie Lian down while he headed towards his apartment after class.
“Dianxia, Dianxia!" She’s the only one who still uses that nickname and Xie Lian can’t help but wince. “Wait for me!"
Xie Lian starts to get suspicious that something is up somewhere between an impromptu trip to the mall (after lunch) and coffee. Shi Qingxuan is checking her phone a lot and keeps coming up with new things for them to do.
She’s just suggested dropping by the campus museum (which Xie Lian would normally be all for but again, suspicious) when he calls her out.
“Okay. What is going on?” He asks hands on his hips.
“Nothing! Nothing!” Shi Qingxuan insists, her big earrings swaying as she shakes her head.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I went home to work on grading?” He checks, raising his brows in a way Hua Cheng would surely appreciate.
“NO." She says quickly, grabbing his arm. “Uh, I want to go to the zoo!”
“Qingxuan, the zoo is over an hour away,” Xie Lian exclaims, tugging away from her. “Is something wrong? Are you avoiding home?”
Shi Qingxuan turns kind of serious and straightens. “No, no, it’s nothing like that.”
“But it is something."
“Okay yes, there is something.” She sighs and fidgets with her phone, gaze flickering between the screen and Xie Lian’s face. “Uh. You just can’t go home yet!”
Xie Lian’s alarm grows, “Why can’t I go home!”
“It’s nothing bad! I promise! It’s really good, actually!”
“Qingxuan, what are you talking about?"
It takes a while for both of them to calm down after that, but eventually, Shi Qingxuan glances down at her phone and lets out a long sigh of relief.
“Okay, the coast is clear, you can go home now.”
“Are you sure?” Xie Lian grimaces. “Now I’m worried.”
“Like I said, it’s nothing bad!” She assures him. “In fact, it’s great, so. You should head home.”
The alarm he’s been feeling has lessened, but Xie Lian still feels hesitant. Shi Qingxuan has managed to drag him to the other side of the city, so he parts ways with her and hops on the nearest bus.
During his venture back home, his phone buzzes.
Wind Master
Can I just say, without spoiling anything, you have found yourself a keeper.
Xie Lian stares at the text for a long time, trying to figure out what it could possibly mean.
He takes the stairs up to his apartment extra slow, unable to fully shake his nerves. He pauses as the door, fidgeting with the key before sighing and pushing his way in.
There’s no discernable change that he can see from the entryway, though all he can see from here is the kitchen. Even so, Xie Lian has the sense that someone has been here. If Shi Qingxuan's behavior wasn’t a hint enough, just the feeling of his apartment is off. Hua Cheng always lets him know if he’s going to come over, so he can’t imagine who it was or how they got in.
And then, he steps out of the entryway into the living space and gasps.
The walls are absolutely covered with paintings. There has to be at least a dozen and they’re all framed and carefully nailed up. The subjects are all different, some are landscapes, a few still lifes. One, in particular, catches his eye, a large painting of a single white flower in a vase, sitting in front of a red velvet background. He drifts closer, studying how the artist made the vase seem like it was made of glass, how they rendered the velvet. It’s a stunning piece, and there's a scrawl of a signature in the corner. When he checks, it’s the same signature in each painting. The handwriting is awful, near impossible to make out, but he’d know it anywhere.
“Ah...San Lang....” Xie Lian finds himself on the couch, hands coming up to cover his face.
He’s immediately overwhelmed with fondness. Abruptly, he gets to his feet, marching towards his bedroom. He’s going to go change out of his work clothes and then he’s going to find Hua Cheng and then he’s going to...he’s gonna...
When he tugs the sheet to the side, he freezes.
Ruoye is curled up in his usual place on his bed, looking at peace with the world. But...the mattress is no longer on the floor. It’s knee level now, in a sleek wooden bed frame.
Xie Lian sinks to the floor, hands covering his face again. It’s all a bit much. His feelings seem too big for his body, threatening to bloom out of him.
This must be it, the confirmation he was looking for. He can’t imagine Hua Cheng doing this for anyone else, so this must mean that...that...
He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry and instead crawls his way over to the bed.
It’s a sensible bed frame, a dark wood that doesn’t clash with the brassy wood floors of the apartment. There are even drawers in it, and Xie Lian can just imagine Hua Cheng saying something about more storage. It isn’t too flashy, and probably wasn’t all that expensive, but guilt and gratitude still war in Xie Lian as he pulls himself up onto it and oh.
It seems bed frames actually make a pretty big difference when it comes to how comfortable one's mattress is. Xie Lian is feeling a bit silly now, and guilty that he made Hua Cheng sleep on his mattress while it was still on the floor.
He tugs out his phone with numb hands and dials.
Hua Cheng picks up after half a ring, sounding a bit nervous, “Gege?"
“San Lang,” he mumbles, unsure what to say now that he’s on the phone.
“Ah gege, I’m sorry. I know it was probably overstepping,” Hua Cheng’s voice is a little higher in his haste. “But you had talked about filling up the walls and I couldn’t stop thinking about that mattress on the floor. Just tell me and I’ll come to take it all down-”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian interrupts. He’s staring at the post-it note, still up on the wall. “Why aren’t you here? How am I supposed to thank you if you aren’t here?”
The line goes quiet and then Hua Cheng speaks, sounding hopeful. “...gege?”
“Please come back,” Xie Lian pleads. “Quickly.”
“....I’ll be right there.'
The line goes dead and Xie Lian goes back to hiding in his hands and trying not to explode with adoration.
There’s a knock on the door and Xie Lian rolls out of bed. He hurries to the door, flinging it open wide.
Hua Cheng is there, looking nervous and handsome and good. Xie Lian doesn’t even know where to start so he just says, “I gave you a key.”
“I didn’t know if...after all this, you would want me to use it.” He’s hovering in the entryway, which is no good, so Xie Lian grabs his wrist and tugs him in, closes the door behind them.
He immediately crowds into Hua Cheng’s space, throwing his arms around him. Hua Cheng is quick to return the hug, a little shakily. Xie Lian backs them into the apartment, guiding them in the general direction of the couch.
“Is it okay, gege? Do you like it?”
“It’s perfect, it’s so good, San Lang. It’s perfect.”
Hua Cheng pauses when his knees hit the couch and Xie Lian gives him a gentle shove until he’s sitting. His eyes go very wide when Xie Lian tucks himself into Hua Cheng’s side and then he can’t see his expression because he’s burying his head in Hua Cheng’s shoulder.
They sit, wrapped around each other, bundled up in Xie Lian’s apartment for a long while.
“Gege, do you like it that much?” Hua Cheng asks eventually, his hands rubbing circular motions into Xie Lian’s back.
With a little sigh, Xie Lian nods, cheek rubbing on Hua Cheng’s jacket. He hadn’t even had time to take it off before Xie Lian jumped him and he feels vaguely embarrassed with his forwardness.
He manages to pull away from Hua Cheng, who is sitting at an angle, twisted towards him. Xie Lian stares down at his chest, hands gripped in the lapels of his jacket.
“San Lang, you didn’t have to,” Xie Lian starts and can feel Hua Cheng getting ready to protest. “But I’m very grateful that you did. I’m...well, I’m a little overwhelmed.”
Hua Cheng’s hands are still on Xie Lian’s back, which frankly isn’t making stringing a thought together any easier. But he’s going to say what he’s been thinking for months now, even if it kills him.
Still staring down at Hua Cheng’s chest, Xie Lian plows on.
“I hope that you know that...that you don't have to do these things for me. That I am very happy just knowing you and being close to you. You don’t have to...win me over or ‘be worthy of my trust’.”
He can feel the sharp breath Hua Cheng takes, because his hands are right there, and then the long breath he lets out.
“I know. I know I don’t have to, but I like to. I like giving you things, doing things for you. It makes me happy.”
Hua Cheng ducks his head to catch his eye. “It makes me very, very happy.”
“Mn.” Xie Lian closes his eyes, contentment curling in him. “And I...I like it when San Lang is happy...”
The thought occurs that he shouldn't have started this conversation while practically in Hua Cheng’s lap but it’s a little late for that now, considering Hua Cheng is holding him like he’s never going to let him go. (Xie Lian would be more than happy if that were the case. He’d be positively delighted.)
“San Lang, you know you’re very dear to me, right?” Xie Lian asks, glancing at him through his lashes. “You’re my best and closest friend.”
“It’s not Ruoye?” Hua Cheng asks, his voice a little teasing like he doesn’t fully believe it.
“No,” Xie Lian says firmly. “No, San Lang is my favorite person.”
It’s wonderful to watch the flush spread on Hua Cheng’s cheeks, to watch the way his face goes slack and wondering.
“And, and you should know that...that I...” Xie Lian stumbles, tries to catch his breath. “That I like you, so much. That I love you, really.”
“Gege?” Hua Cheng sounds hoarse, his hands tightening into Xie Lian’s shirt.
One more deep breath and then, steeling himself, Xie Lian forces himself to make eye contact.
“I’m in love with you, San Lang.”
They just stare at each other, the seconds growing long between them. Hua Cheng’s eye is wide and shiny, his blush darker than Xie Lian’s ever seen it before. The more time passes, the more Xie Lian’s nerves grow, but he resists the urge to fidget or to back down. He needs Hua Cheng to know that he’s 100% serious.
Finally, Hua Cheng’s hands move from his back to his face.
“Gege loves me?” He asks, and his eyebrows knit. “Really?”
Xie Lian almost laughs, bringing his hands up to cover Hua Cheng’s. “Of course I do, San Lang. Of course. I love you.”
It’s like he’s spurned into motion, because Hua Cheng pulls Xie Lian’s face close and he has the time to think finally but then Hua Cheng is kissing his cheeks, peppering little kisses across his brow. Xie Lian is laughing and laughing while Hua Cheng kisses his nose and even kisses his knuckles where they cover his own.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he’s saying and Xie Lian could burst. He could explode into thousands of petals, right here on his terrible old couch.
“San Lang, San Lang, kiss me.”
“I am kissing you,” he says between pecks.
“On the lips!”
For once, Hua Cheng barely pauses before shifting his attention to Xie Lian’s mouth, pressing a firm, closed-mouth kiss there.
“Again,” Xie Lian gasps when he pulls away. “Do that again.”
More than happy to comply, Huac Cheng kisses him again, mouth still closed. His lips are warmed and just a little chapped. Xie Lian hums happily, scooting closer and closer until he gets annoyed that he can’t be closer still and just climbs right into Hua Cheng’s lap. He gasps a little, pulling away and reaching for Xie Lian’s hips. His face is very red and Xie Lian follows the line of it with a finger, smiling.
“Is this okay?” He checks and Hua Cheng gives a choked noise of confirmation, arms gripping him tighter.
His arms come up to bracket Hua Cheng’s head, resting on the back of the couch. He presses close again and resumes kissing. It’s very nice, but a little dry. He’s just thinking about trying to lick into Hua Cheng’s mouth when the hands on his hips shift, coming up to kneed at his lower back and a jolt runs up his spine.
Xie Lian has to break out of the kiss to gasp, head thumping down on Hua Cheng’s shoulder. “WOO, oh my god....”
“Gege?” Hua Cheng sounds a little concerned and very breathless.
“Ah, please keep doing that.”
Hua Cheng’s long fingers press in harder like he’s searching out the knots. Xie Lian has to bite his lips to stop a groan and just sort of pants into Hua Cheng’s shoulder.
“Gege is so tense,” Hua Cheng teases, though he sounds pretty tense himself.
Xie Lian sort of rolls his shoulders and sits up. “Ah, I haven’t had a massage in so long. Back in my high school athlete days, I used to get one every other week.”
“Poor gege, you have to work so hard,” Hua Cheng lilts, but it doesn’t sound mocking or even teasing. His hands press a little more firmly and Xie Lian hums. “Don’t worry. I’ll give you massages, from now on.”
“Aha, is it awful to admit I’ve already fantasized about that?” Xie Lian says without thinking and then they both freeze.
Xie Lian’s hands come up to cover his face in mortification and Hua Cheng tucks his head into his shoulder.
“Gege, you can’t say things like that,” Hua Cheng rasps into his neck. “I’ll die.”
“Sorry sorry sorry," Xie Lian is muttering into his hands.
Hua Cheng huffs a laugh and drops a kiss on the bit of shoulder that’s closest, making Xie Lian shiver. He sits back up and draws Xie Lian’s hands from his face, bringing one to his cheek as he smiles.
“Don’t be sorry,” he shakes his head. “It’s...ahem. It’s nice to hear these things, even if they’ll kill me.”
Xie Lian giggles and sighs, reaching up to cup Hua Cheng’s face with his other hand. He thinks that it might be his new favorite thing to do. Other than kissing.
“San Lang, let’s use that new bed you got me.” He says and Hua Cheng’s eyebrows go up high. “Not like that! To nap! I want you to spoon me!”
Hua Cheng looks like he’s very close to hiding in Xie Lian’s shoulder again but manages to just nod quickly. To Xie Lian’s surprise and delight, he scoops him up into his arms and stands, striding towards the bedroom.
“San Lang!” Xie Lian exclaims.
“Please let me have this. This is what I’ve fantasized about.” Hua Cheng won’t make eye contact, cheeks so red and Xie Lian can’t resist kissing his blush.
They get settled quickly, Hua Cheng wrapping around him exactly as Xie Lian had wanted. It might be better if Xie Lian had had time to change out of his work clothes, or if Hua Cheng had managed to get his jacket off, but he can’t find it in him to care. He snuggles closer into the circle of Hua Cheng’s arms and sighs a long and happy sigh.
“San Lang was right, the bed frame is much better,” Xie Lian whispers and Hua Cheng’s hum manages to sound just a bit smug.
Ruoye shows up and sort of determinedly claims part of the pillow, but it’s fine. They’re taking up so little pillow anyway, with Xie Lian’s face buried into Hua Cheng’s neck.
He listens as Hua Cheng’s breaths get deeper and slower, and eventually wiggles back so he can see his face. He still has his eyepatch on, but his visible eye is closed, his dark lashes casting shadows on his cheek. Xie Lian reaches up to sweep some hair out of Hua Cheng’s face, and then gets caught up in just petting his head.
“San Lang, San Lang,” he whispers.
“Hmm?” He sounds mostly asleep.
“San Lang, I want to keep you,” Xie Lian murmurs, boldened by the quiet apartment, by Hua Cheng’s slow breaths, by the warmth that he is finally letting blossom out of him.
“Mm, you have me.” Hua Cheng whispers back.
Xie Lian’s face does a funny thing and he nestles back into Hua Cheng’s arms. They fall asleep like that, tender and held and kept by each other.