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Shouto never thought that the admiration he felt that first time, so many years ago, seeing Izuku break all the bones on his arms fighting him would grow so strong and bury its roots so deep inside him.
He also never imagined that admiration was definitely not the right word for all the feelings the other boy draw out of him.
It started as just a flame of gratitude, a feeling so foreign to him, but not so far from reality he couldn't understand it. He was thankful to Izuku, for all the effort and blood and sweat he put into getting Shouto to open up to his power and potential.
It took him time to understand thankful though, initially he was annoyed, he felt forced into a situation he did not want to take part in. As time went on and they grew as friends and hero-in-the-making partners, he could finally see the good in all of his actions.
The meddling was bothersome but well-intentioned. He accepted it.
As that passed, Shouto understood he wanted to surpass it. He wanted to match Izuku in his perseverance, in his ideals, he wanted to feel once more the passion he had for heroes the same way Izuku showed every second of his existence.
He wanted it because Izuku had it.
Izuku became to him a better role model his father ever dreamed of being. And he also became a dear friend.
His school year memories were filled with freckles and sun blinding smiles. Unconsciously, his eyes were always drawn to Izuku, to his every movement, his every step forward.
He felt somewhat content having him around, calling him a friend, working, and growing alongside him on their path to greatness. His chest used to being warm from his quirk would sometimes burn up when Izuku was around.
He could not put a name to that feeling. So he didn't.
Unbeknown to him, Izuku's habits started to rub onto his daily life and he took onto writing. It was a simple and effective way of sorting his thoughts even though it did nothing to unravel the turmoil in his stomach every time he as much as thought of the other boy.
He just wrote, wrote about his relationship with his family and other people in his life, very bland, very simple. He could understand affection for his brother and sister, the emotional disaster his relationship with his father was.
Was that hate at this point? Disdain? Disregard?
He could write and comprehend the connection he had to his mother, the warm and secure feeling he had around her.
He also wrote about their activities and what Izuku had done of outstanding. Wrote about the feelings inside his mind - and body - he couldn't exactly understand but could describe physically.
It was a nice enough feeling sometimes, others not so pleasant. Sometimes his stomach seemed to give itself a knot, others it felt as if a swarm of bees took residence inside him.
Sometimes he felt feverish and other times as if he swallowed a bucket of his own made-up ice.
He once went to Recovery Girl about it. He received a light pat on his back and an indication to read about emotional intelligence or talk to a friend. He was fine, she said, just hormonal.
Wasn't that an issue?
He then tried talking about it to Bakugou, because he was his friend and it didn't make sense in his mind to talk about Izuku... to Izuku. But Bakugou sent him packing and said he didn't have time for his constipated bullshit.
It took Bakugou almost one year to touch the subject once more, right after he and Kirishima started dating. He told Shouto he should really speak with Izuku.
But how could he?
He started by writing what he wanted to convey.
'When I'm by your side I feel sick' didn't actually cover the entirety of what he wanted to say and also seemed like a really bad thing to tell someone you actually enjoy the presence.
He tried a few more times.
'My body temperature seems to malfunction when you speak to me' was one of his best bets, but could probably come out as a personal problem of his and not anything to do with Izuku's presence in his life.
His last thread of sanity actually snapped that one time when Izuku pulled him by his hand crossing the street. He laughed and ran to be able to get to the train station on time.
They actually lost that train and had to reschedule the trip to the shopping mall due to the fact Shouto caught on fire and burned through his clothes.
He figured he had to practice more to gain better control of his own quirk and tried not to dwell much on the fact his hand still lingered with goosebumps from Izuku's touch.
It never occurred to him, not even once on his wildest dreams that what he felt was love.
Not when their stares lingered on each other, or when they always made excuses to be close and closer. Not when it seemed Izuku had always something to say to him, even when he didn't say anything.
It didn't occur to him when he would count every second of the week for Tuesdays nights when they would have study sessions on Shouto's room. Just the two of them.
Shouto never felt more at ease than on these moments. But he would never acknowledge it.
In his mind, they were being diligent students and they complemented their weaknesses when studying together, it made sense.
Why he didn't count the seconds for group studies he could never answer.
It didn't occur to him when his smiles were the sole reason Shouto started enjoying get-togethers in the common room. Not even when Izuku finally touched him again and it took everything in him not to combust.
He also did not realize or even ever imagined that the burning acid feeling he experienced every time Uraraka got too close to them was jealousy.
He did not understand why he started feeling angry and lashing out on people when Izuku started to spend more time with her.
Why was that even if she had never been anything other than extremely pleasant and welcoming and sweet to Shouto, he could not enjoy her presence?
Why was that every time he saw her, she had more and more of Izuku's traces? It made his blood boil to the point he was almost scared of himself.
It took him three notebooks filled with facts and retelling of their interactions for him to understand he was sad when Izuku didn't invite him to hang out.
They spend less and less time together aside from their study sessions and even then, he felt Izuku slipping through his fingers.
He felt left out and that was a feeling he knew. He didn't want to feel left out anymore.
He went to Bakugou once more, well into their third year on High School and extremely uncharacteristically to him, he didn't scream or pushed him away.
He invited Shouto to have lunch with his squad.
To this day, Shouto cannot recall what was the feeling he could so clearly see on Bakugou's eyes. It couldn't be pity, right?
His time with Izuku was already so short that the last straw was cut without much fuss.
He was busy he said. Izuku agreed.
The last six months of their final year passed on a blur. He still saw Izuku during class, but their free time was filled with internships and work-study.
They didn't intern together anymore so their interactions faded.
His eyes still lingered on Izuku sometimes and his laugh still made things to his body he could not pinpoint. but now he was far from him, he could control better his response and reactions.
If he really wanted it, he could pretend he didn't even hear him.
The worst of it all was when he saw him holding hands with Uraraka.
He thought he was losing control of his quirk once more when he made it snow inside the classroom. It took Kirishima and Bakugou dragging him outside for him to be able to breathe once more.
And then, without anyone even saying anything to him he finally realized something on his own. He wanted to be the one to hold Izuku's hand.
As a friend, as a hero companion, as a rule-breaking mischief duo, as a life partner.
He wanted to feel those touches that drove him insane and made him lose sanity. He wanted to listen to him laughing even though most of the time he could not understand the joke. He wanted the partnership they had and that was so them, so unlike any other interaction, he ever had before with anyone else. So unique while it was theirs.
Because what he felt for Izuku he never felt before for anyone else. He doubted he would ever be able to open up to anyone again to this same measure.
And now, he could not have it ever again.
-
Shouto thought of burning down his notebooks. His diaries, now that he could see every emotion he had ever written down for him.
But he didn't, somehow those words were the only thing that kept him grounded for the last few days of school.
He just needed to graduate and then. Then it would all be over.
At least, that was what he thought at the time, it took him one year into Rookie-Hero career to realize that although he didn't see and didn't speak to Izuku after UA, Izuku was definitely not leaving his life.
His former friend tried to contact him, but with Shouto deflecting his invites for a coffee and Izuku crazy schedule, it died down after a few months.
But it did not mean he was able to have him out of his mind completely, there was always something that reminded him of Izuku. Most of the time, his own quirk did it.
Or the news frontline. Or on the outdoors all over the city. Or the shop window of every hero merch store to ever exist in the country.
He was definitely the new face of the hero community and Shouto could see why. He was polite, he always gave interviews. Kids and elderly people loved him.
And he was always, always smiling.
Not like All Might that smiled through the pain and never showed any other emotion, no, Izuku was an open book.
He showed fear when he was scared. He showed anger when the situation was bad. He showed remorse and sadness when even his best was not enough. He cried publicly.
But he always smiled when people screamed his name. Because he could see and feel that although not every day was easy he was loved and cheered on.
Shouto obviously did not grasp that all on his own, it was something his recently formed squad came up once while watching the news together, waiting for the pizza to arrive.
He mulled over it for days until it made enough sense to him. Izuku was never a good liar and he would never be able to lie to the media saying that 'everything was fine'. So he didn't, and the people loved him for that.
When the time came for the 'one-year graduation party', Shouto was uneasy.
He had barely seen anyone outside his close group of friends the past year and he was definitely not ready to face Izuku once again.
He never asked, but no one ever mentioned him in front of Shouto. He knew Bakugou had seen him most through the year, Kirishima also, but they never said a word.
So when Shouto entered the bar they scheduled to meet up, he was not prepared to see the hero Izuku had become.
He had seen his face, yes, mostly covered by his face mask, but he had not seen the new fresh scars he sported on his temple. Or the fresh new undercut on his hair. Or the several inches he grew the past year.
It almost seemed like Shouto was the only one still stuck on his High School years when everything was still so good and he was still so clueless.
As if he could feel his presence, Izuku turned to the door from where he stood talking to Iida, and he smiled, that million-watt smile that made Shouto's legs like jelly.
The oh so familiar swarm of bees inside his stomach was back in a second, though now it felt more like butterflies as this time, it didn't hurt as much as he remembered it.
He greeted everyone he could see and made the longest way towards where Izuku was, now alone still smiling at him.
With a drink in each hand, Izuku clearly was waiting for his turn to be greeted.
When face to face, Izuku handed Shouto one of the drinks. He indicated one empty booth for both of them with his head.
'It's been a while' Izuku said. Shouto hadn't realized how much his voice had also changed.
'It's been, yes'
'You haven't changed a thing Shouto'
Probably not as he could still feel his heart threatening to leave his ribcage at the sound of his name.
'Cannot say the same about you'
And Izuku smiled at him.
Pleasantries out of the way, silence filled the booth.
Izuku seemed happy to see him, but Shouto could see his hands were shaking.
His were not much better, but years of practice made it easier for him to hide.
'If... if we have nothing more to say', Shouto started, getting up from the booth, his drink untouched. 'Excuse me while I go and greet the others too'
Izuku grabbed his wrist before he went too far.
'There is more... please, stay a little longer'
So he stayed and for the first time in so long, he saw in front of him his study partner, so smart but so unsure of himself. Picking at his sleeves and eyes downcast.
'I've... I've missed you Shouto, so much'
'I'm not sure I believe that Midoryia, your hero career must keep you quite busy. I see you everywhere. And...'
He took a deep breathe to finish his own sentence.
'And you also have a girlfriend, I'm certain you had no time to miss me'
Izuku looked at him then, almost as if exasperated.
'Shouto I don't... I and Uraraka broke up right after graduation'
/Oh/ his mind supplied him, so intelligently.
Shouto could almost hear his heart skip a beat. His face frozen as if he just discovered he won the lottery.
The smile that followed his realization was one he had never seen Izuku use before, it was sheepish but resembled Bakugou's smirk.
'Did you miss me?'
And as if every filter he had simply disappeared at that very moment, Shouto replied with the most honest sentence he ever uttered in his life.
'Only every second of every moment so far, Izuku'
The smile he was rewarded was worth the embarrassment though. Izuku could light up the whole place with just this one.
'I've made a bold move earlier actually and made you a copy of this' Izuku said, reaching on his pocket for something and handing it over to Shouto.
'I wasn't sure how this would work out and I forgot everything I actually wanted to say, but Kacchan said it was going to be ok so...'
He reached out to grab it, their fingers lingering on each other. Shouto could not miss how cheesy the resemblance to every teen movie he was ever forced to watch by his sister.
When he opened his hand though, a brand new apartment key laying there, innocently.
'I was hoping we would never miss each other again if you want'
Shouto had to almost physically restrain himself from bursting into flames or tears, he couldn't say which need was stronger.
'Yeah, I want that. I really want that'
There was so much he had to say still, so many entries in his diary he now could say out loud, so many words unspoken. But for now, Izuku's hand on his and the smile he held so dearly in his heart, finally aimed at him would suffice his erratic heart.
It wouldn't take long for him to lose the fight against the urge to debut his gift.