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Zoro really hated Nami’s plans.
This was mostly because all of Nami’s plans revolved around stealing money, and 9 out of 10 times that meant someone distracting someone so that Nami could get the goods. Distracting someone almost always tended to circle around the seduction area, and Zoro normally wouldn't give a single shit. But.
“Ok, so Sanji-kun will distract the guard-
Zoro grumbled from his time-out corner, earning a salt shaker thrown at his head from the navigator. Sanji patted him on the head in an attempt to comfort while also dispelling the extra salt.
“Anyways, Sanji-kun will distract the guard while Usopp and I pick the lock. Luffy and Zoro will be backup outside, and Robin will take care of the guards at the south entrance. Chopper is ship watch. Questions?”
Zoro opened his mouth. Nami gave him a glare that could scare a baby back into the womb. Zoro closed his mouth. Luffy raised his hand.
“Is the question related to the plan?”
Luffy lowered his hand. Nami sighed, rolling up her drawing of the building’s layout. Zoro decided that voicing his dislike of the plan was worth Nami’s wrath.
“Just knock the guard out! It would-
“Like last time? Tell me, Zoro, how did that work out, hmm?”
Zoro shut his mouth with a loud snap , cheeks coloring. As it turned out, unconscious people had the annoying tendency of not staying unconscious and running off to sound the alarm the minute everyone’s back was turned. Zoro may or may not have been arguing with Sanji about the limits of ‘harmless’ flirting and no you can't just let his hand get that low, I don't care what Nami told you.
“We’d tie him up this time, or throw him in a closet.”
Chopper raised his hoof in the air, getting Zoro’s attention.
“But what if we leave him like that and no one comes? He could be there for weeks, all alone…
Zoro felt Sanji stiffen, and god damnit since when did they even care about random guards and weren't they pirates? But Zoro knew it was a losing battle from the way Sanji looked beside him, determined and stubborn as ever.
“How about we ask Sanji-kun what he thinks? Sanji-kun, you wouldn't mind talking nicely to a guard for a bit, would you?”
Zoro bit his lip to stop himself from growling. Somehow Nami was able to cut him a shit-eating little look while still throwing an innocent smile at Sanji. The final nail in the coffin.
“I would go to any lengths so that Nami-san can get what she deserves!”
Zoro rubbed at his face, feeling a headache coming on.
-oOo-
In hindsight, he had never actually agreed to the plan, so he wasn't exactly going against it.
“What the fuck are you doing ?”
Sanji hissed at him over his shoulder, confused guard not catching the low words. Zoro shuffled a little closer, making the cook glare harder. The confused guard was looking at a piece of paper now, looking more confused.
“Just say I’m your bodyguard or something.”
Sanji glared even harder, sparing a cautious look at the guard before whispering back.
“I don't need a shitty bodyguard! I’m pretending to be-
Whatever Sanji was pretending to be was interrupted by the guard clearing his throat, looking uncomfortably at the two. Sanji straightened, giving the man a bright smile and a head tilt, and Zoro watched the usual falter that came from anyone on the receiving end of a trademark Sanji dazzle like that. He cleared his throat again, red tinting his cheeks as he flicked his eyes back down to the paper.
“Right, well, sir. We have a strict log of shipment schedules here and you-
Sanji interrupted him, jumping to his side so he could pretend to examine the paper for himself. This pushed him right into the guards side, blonde hair brushing the stranger’s cheek and making the blush grow in strength. Sanji gave a sing-song laugh, fluttering his lashes in an infuringly effective way.
“Oh my, I can't believe I forgot to call ahead! We scheduled with captain Hal, but we forgot to put down the date and this is just awful !”
Sanji turned to look at the guard, nothing but giant, pleading eyes and a pout. Their noses nearly brushed, and Zoro felt a vein pop in his head. Sanji’s hand moved to touch at the uniform sleeve of the guard, long fingers tugging just slightly as the two bodies moved even closer.
“Please, there must be... something I can do to change your mind?”
The guard leaned in a little more, completely under Sanji’s spell and clearly enjoying it. Zoro’s hand closed around Wado’s hilt, gritting his teeth so hard he thought they’d crack.
“W-well, there’s, ah, a bunk room t-that way-
Zoro hit him in the head with the sword’s sheath. The swordsman and the cook watched him flop backwards, out cold. Sanji slowly raised his brow.
“Zoro.”
“Yeah?”
“What the fuck.”
-oOo-
“What the fuck, Zoro!”
Zoro rubbed at his aching head, a little blood coming from his temple from the combined powers of Sanji and Nami. Usopp poked the unconscious guard with his boot, mumbling something about concussions and seduced-by-Sanji-disease . It probably could have been worse, but the red-head had her bag of loot, so she was probably going to forgive Zoro. Probably.
“Usopp, stop playing around and move the body out of th- where’s Luffy?”
Probably. Maybe .
-oOo-
Luffy had found the radio room, and as it turned out, Luffy liked to press random buttons. He especially seemed to like pressing giant, red buttons that said emergency and could the kid even read ?
They were running for their lives towards Merry, Luffy laughing like a maniac while Nami beat his damn head in. Usopp were screaming something about dying young and Sanji was giving Zoro a look that translated to if we don't die I’m going to fucking muder you . A bullet whizzed past Zoro’s ear, shouting coming from behind them. A spotlight was trying to stay on them, and Sanji started cursing things that Zoro hadn't even heard of. Zoro nudged him as best he could while running at full speed.
“Were you really gonna go with him to the bunkroom?”
“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT NOW !?”
-oOo-
After a group meeting that involved Zoro and Luffy in the time-out corner, it was decided that Sanji was restricted to a less hands-on form of distraction. Zoro’s debt was increased by about 2 million, and Nami was discussing the possibility of Usopp making some sort of leash for Luffy. Sanji was lounging in the galley’s larger tanks, Chopper watching him and his shiny tail with a curious expression.
“Why is Sanji always the one used for distraction, anyways? Is it a mermaid thing?”
Chopper looked at Nami. Nami looked at Zoro. Zoro looked at Sanji. Sanji stared very hard at the wall. Zoro went with the easiest answer.
“He’s the best at being annoying.”
Zoro was banned from the galley until further notice.