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At first when they started sleeping together, Chris didn’t really pay it much attention that Leon always flipped the lights off when they got into the bedroom. He just figured that Leon liked the dimness, the only light in the room whatever filtered through the curtains or was cast in the room through the half open door. There was a certain charm to it, and it felt that when they couldn’t see too clearly it gave more room to feel.
And maybe Chris was just so in awe that this was happening at all that he didn’t have enough focus for such trivial things.
Until he one morning put two and two together. He’d been awake for hours, long enough that he’d gone out for a run and gotten back to shower, and was sitting on the couch just waiting for Leon to wake up. It felt both so domestic and so… exhilarating, so new and exciting, as things had only recently started getting more serious. Less regular great sex and more actually falling asleep in each other’s space, spending time together whenever they could.
So when Leon finally shuffled out of the bedroom, blinking sleepily, and immediately grinned at Chris upon noticing him, Chris couldn’t help the stupid little skip his heart did. He reached out a hand, and immediately Leon approached, planting his knees on each side of Chris’ hips as he crawled into his lap. “Good morning,” Leon murmured, speaking against Chris’ lips before connecting their mouths.
He tasted of the minty toothpaste, and that alone was inexplicably enough to make Chris smile into the kiss. The first one was slow and languid, but there was an edge of need in the next one already, and Chris brought his palms onto Leon’s hips to pull him in closer. It was so easy for them to get lost in the moment, the kisses turning more and more heated, and before long Chris slipped his hands underneath Leon’s shirt. But when Chris moved his hands upwards, bunching the shirt with them, Leon laughed into the kiss and pulled back, slipping down so he could kneel on the floor between Chris’ knees.
And that’s when it hit Chris. Every single time he’d tried to pull Leon’s shirt off him, Leon had done this. He’d grinned and pulled back and gone down on Chris, or he’d stopped and grabbed Chris’ hands to bring him along to the bedroom instead. Frowning, Chris went through all of the interactions they’d had, every single one he remembered, and there was no denying the fact.
He’d never seen Leon without a shirt on, in full light.
Not although they’d been dating for months.
So Chris reached out, grabbed Leon’s shoulders and pulled him back up on the couch. Leon was frowning, clearly confused, but he went willingly and allowed himself to be placed next to Chris. He even waited silently until Chris finally managed to find his voice and at least some words. “Are you…” Chris started, hesitating a little, before settling on “Is there a particular reason I’m not supposed to see you without a shirt on?”
Leon paled, and Chris knew he’d hit the nail on the head.
“Forget about this, it’s…” Leon started, already moving to stand up, but gently Chris held him back and with a sigh he dropped back down onto the couch. He closed his eyes, as if he was going through an internal debate whether to explain or not. But then eventually he looked back up and gave an awkward little shrug. “It’d just ruin the mood okay. It’s not a pretty sight.”
“What do you mean?” Chris frowned, honestly confused.
Leon made a frustrated sound, gesturing vaguely. “Look. I know you’re in the same line of work as I am. And I know you’ve got scars all over, and that it’s not a big deal for you. But I…” He fell silent, watching Chris’ face, searching his expression for something or the other. Apparently he found what he needed as he went on, a little choked. “I’ve got more.”
Even with the explanation, Chris wasn’t sure he entirely understood. “Leon, I don’t care if you’ve got scars, it’s… everyone does. Even people who don’t kill zombies for a living.”
“Yeah?” Leon asked. He obviously didn’t buy a single word Chris was saying. In one swift movement he got up, his movements jerky and angry, and he pulled his shirt over his head to throw it to the side. Then he spread his arms, allowed Chris the first clear proper look ever.
And he hadn’t lied. It was a lot. There was a scar from a badly healed bullet wound on his shoulder, one that had scarred more than any of the bullet wounds Chris had himself. Right below that there were parallel lines that were obviously claws, ones that had cut so deep they’d left jagged scars behind and it was probably a small miracle Leon had survived that injury.
Upon first look Chris counted three more scars from bullets, cuts so neat they were probably from knives and others that were clearly bites or claw marks. And they littered the entire expanse of Leon’s chest from his shoulders to his waist.
Chris couldn’t do much else but stare.
Eventually Leon arched an eyebrow. “Wanna see the back, too? Before I’ll put my shirt back on and get the hell out of here.”
“Why would you do that?” Chris frowned, his attention snapping from a long serrated scar near Leon’s waist.
Leon gave a small humorless laugh. He dipped his head down, his hair falling in his face, and he refused to meet Chris’ gaze. “You wouldn’t be the first person who ran away screaming after seeing these.” His voice was small, defeated, and it pulled at Chris’ heart strings.
“Leon,” Chris said, as calmly as he could, and reached out his hands. He didn’t grab Leon, didn’t force him to anything, but clearly indicated that he wanted him back close. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” The words made Leon look up, guarded and disbelieving, but he didn’t say anything so Chris went on. “And do you have any idea how long I’ve been in love with you? None of this makes me want you any less.”
Slowly, almost tentatively, Leon moved back closer. He took a careful seat next to Chris, and when Chris placed a hand on his thigh he didn’t pull back. It took him a good while to process the words, and some of the disbelief was still there as he looked up. “It’s good that you can’t lie worth shit,” he said, a tentative grin tugging at his lips. “I might have to actually believe you.”
Chris laughed, relieved that Leon wasn’t about to run away any second anymore. He took one of Leon’s hands in his own, toying with his fingers, and only after a pause he spoke again. “If you want to keep your shirt on, it’s fine by me. I don’t want to force you to anything that makes you uncomfortable. But I mean it. I don’t care. None of this makes you any less attractive to me.”
“That’s kind of hard to believe,” Leon admitted silently. He was staring at their joined hands, as if it was somehow easier to speak when he didn’t need to maintain eye contact. “I’ve spent… years trying to hide them from everyone. They’re all… signs of where I failed. When I wasn’t quick enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and someone – something caught me.”
“No, Leon,” Chris disagreed equally silently, as if afraid that speaking too loud would somehow shatter the moment. “They’re all signs that you survived. They’re proof of how good you are. Anyone else would be dead after a fraction of what you’ve been through.”
Carefully Chris reached out, giving Leon ample time to notice what he was up to, giving him the chance to pull back if he so wished. Leon stayed put, though, allowed Chris to touch the most prominent scar on his shoulder, the one obviously from a bullet wound that should’ve been treated better. Gently Chris brushed his thumb over it, his touch warm.
“That one I got from Raccoon City,” Leon said suddenly, breaking the silence. “I was…” he hesitated for a second, but then laughed dryly, deciding to go on. “I pushed Ada out of the way and took a bullet for her. And how did she thank me? She just left.”
Chris stayed silent. They both knew what he thought of her, he didn’t need to reiterate his anger and dislike now, it was a topic they’d visited often enough. So he waited, gave Leon the time he seemed to need to collect himself. And as Leon’s breaths got slower, got calmer, Chris slid his fingers downwards to the big claw marks.
“The biggest licker I’ve ever seen,” Leon supplied with a huff. “Came out of nowhere, too. I was… sloppy. I thought I’d emptied the room and wasn’t paying enough attention, and it tackled me down before I realized it was coming for me.” He gave a small, almost awkward shrug. “I lodged my knife into its brain and got away. Lost a good knife though.”
Slowly Chris nodded, made an affirming sound in the back of his throat to show he was still listening. He brushed his fingers along the lowest of the claw marks, to the curved scar that looked like it came from a sickle.
“Spain,” Leon said, and that already pretty much explained everything. His expression darkened, though, his voice choked as he went on. “There was this cabin and I… we were… I would’ve died if Luis hadn’t shot that guy off me. And in return I let him die. I didn’t. I couldn’t save him.”
Chris sneaked an arm around Leon’s shoulders and pulled him in, flush against his chest. He could feel the shaky inhalations Leon took, how they at first were almost sobs and then subsided into slow and deep breaths. And throughout it all Chris kept holding Leon close, kept rubbing his back with warm palms, hoping he could bring some modicum of comfort.
Only when Leon had clearly calmed down Chris pulled back enough to look at him. He took Leon’s chin between his thumb and index finger, leaned in to kiss him softly. “You can’t save everyone,” he said after they parted, and he didn’t even try to cover up the way his own voice wavered a little. Neither of them was stranger to loss, to failure. “It doesn’t make you worth any less.”
Leon gave him a small smile, nodding slowly. “Can we…” he trailed off, searching for words. “I’ll tell you about every single one, if you want. But I can’t. I…”
“We’ve got time,” Chris cut him off. He wanted to know all of it, he wanted to know everything about this man that had captured his heart so completely and irreversibly. But he didn’t want it to become a chore, something that would leave Leon exhausted and feeling worse rather than better. So he slid a palm to Leon’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
Leon looked up at him, relief clear on his features as he agreed. “Yeah. We’ve got time.”