Chapter Text
It was on a class M planet circling binary stars, in another man’s arms that Janeway first entertained the idea. Sure, she had considered it once, maybe twice. But never too deeply, and never for very long.
Another shuttle down, another long wait for Voyager’s rescue. Two suns had meant two sunsets leading into a deep, bone chilling night. Ayala had been warm. With no life signs on the planet larger than an insect there was no need to sleep in shifts. So, under a silver Federation issue emergency blanket she pressed herself against her second in charge of ships security. For warmth, she tells herself. For warmth. He gasps at her cold hands as they slide over his smooth warm skin.
“Don’t tell Chakotay.” Janeway says, her voice warm whiskey, creating secrets without guilt in the cold night.
Ayala laughs deep in his chest and she feels it rumble through him. “It’s okay. I’ve known Chakotay for a very long time. It’s not him I’d be worried about. I have more concerns about Tuvok finding out.”
“Tuvok?”
“Yes. Tuvok.”
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Janeway’s back on Voyager with a clean bill of health and strict orders from the Doctor, that she will ignore, to rest up for a few days. Tuvok tries to extend this rest time by guiding her through a Vulcan relaxation meditation followed by a game oh Kal-Toh.
She and Tuvok have a comfortable relationship. For her, it’s the safest option to ease her fragile human need for companionship. It’s easy to end up in each other quarters, meditating or reading together, a simple cure for the loneliness of deep space. The silences are comfortable. Even when she is too tired for conversation it’s nice to know that she has a space where she can speak freely, without judgment. Without having to play the role of the captain. A space where she can breathe. Just for a moment.
Sometimes she isn’t sure if Tuvok is lonely too, or simply finding ways to make sure she eats something or gets some rest. Drink something other than coffee. It becomes even less clear when she wakes up, well past the time he’d normally be asleep, with her head on his shoulder, a blanket wrapped around her and his eyes still glued to his padd.
Tuvok is service orientated. It shouldn’t surprise her really, Vulcan culture being what it is. Being able to show someone that you care, that they’re important to you, without expressing any emotion is a difficult task. But in his acts of service Tuvok gains something too. She is aware that he misses his wife, misses having someone to care for. It seems that in every cup of coffee brewed, every meal replicated, every piece of gifted advice is the connection he craves but is unable to truly express.
Is loneliness logical? Janeway asks herself. Or is it more illogical to deny its existence, knowing that it has the capacity to overwhelm?
Janeway had once told him in jest after he had cleaned and re-calibrated both her phasers that acts of service must be his love language. Tuvok had raised an eyebrow, told her that was illogical and reminded her that as a Vulcan, love languages do not apply to him. She chose to hold her tongue when she found him hand grinding coffee beans for her the next time she had entered his quarters.
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The mission had turned into a disaster. A trade agreement negotiated with a welcoming species had quickly soured once they met Seven of Nine. No amount of reasoning with people who had rebuilt everything on a brand new world because of the Borg, would help them understand that Seven was equally a victim. After they’d scanned Voyager close enough to realise the ship was full of scavenged Borg technology, nothing Janeway could say would have them believe anything other than these Voyagers were in alliance with the Borg. And Seven, beautiful, unapologetic Seven, who’s assistance these people were glad to have only moments before, offered an origin story which fell on deaf ears. The ensuing firefight had blown out almost a third of the ship’s relays, including the gravity plating on parts of decks 11 to 15 and the sonic showers on the starboard side of the ship.
When she entered her quarters to the sound of the sonic shower Janeway found herself glad that Tuvok was still there. She had given him permission to use her shower before sending him off duty to get some rest. When Chakotay had suggested she do the same, not more than half an hour later, she knew how badly she needed it by how disinclined she was to argue. Sitting on the edge of her bed turned into a flop backwards before she could even remove her shoes.
When Tuvok emerged from her bathroom, barefoot in a wide shouldered Vulcan robe, Janeway patted the bed next to her. He lowered himself to the bed, ever so gracefully, before laying back next to her to let out a long exhale of breath. Not a sigh. Vulcan’s don’t sigh.
“That was a mess.” Janeway pressed a hand over her closed eyes for a moment, before it slid down, coming to rest on her chest. “Seven.” Beautiful, unapologetic, Seven.
“Indeed.”
“Do you think maybe we should put her in a uniform? Give her a field commission?” Head turned, eyes on Tuvok, Janeway explained her reasoning. “To make Seven appear a little less Borg and little more identifiable as one of us?”
Tuvok turned his head to meet her gaze, brow furrowed. “You know as well as I that it would be a poor fit.”
He’s talking about more than the garment. She knows that Tuvok, as usual, is completely right. Seven isn’t ready for that. She’s still finding her way. If they tried to hold her to Starfleet standards so soon, before she even properly grasps the reasons behind them, they would be setting her up to fail. Janeway sighs.
Holding his gaze is comforting, and she becomes aware of just how close they are. Janeway considers wrapping her arms around her friend and pulling him against her. She wonders what he would do. Would he fall backwards through the layers of their friendship to respond from a place of logic? Remove himself emotionally and remind her that as her friend he would gladly comfort her, because he understands that she’s only human? It wouldn’t be the first time they had hugged. Or slept next to each other. But it would be her first time holding him in a place as intimate as her own bed. The first time touching her friend with lustful intentions. It would definitely not be the first time she’d tested his boundaries.
Tuvok looks tired. He starts to speak, and hesitates. Curiosity peaked, Janeway rolls onto her side to face him.
“What?”
Prompted, he continues. “You may find, that once Seven is more emotionally mature, it is beneficial that she is not under your command.”
Janeway opens her mouth and closes it again. She knows what Tuvok is suggesting. The tension between her and Seven is palpable. She groans and rolls onto her back again, pressing her forearm over her eyes.
“Don’t.” A word. A warning.
Janeway doesn’t want to think about that, not now. It’s all too complicated when she’s this tired. It’s not a place she particularly wants to direct her thoughts to, even more so when her oldest friend is lying so close next to her.
He’s radiating Vulcan warmth and he smells good from the shower. Instead, she thinks about how comforting it would be to be in his arms, even if she isn’t sure if it’s fair to use him for her emotional needs. Is she using him for her emotional needs? At this point she can’t be sure if her motivation is nothing more than pheromones, a reaction to the spreading warmth between her legs.
When she realises that she’d gotten lost in her own thoughts and turns back to him, his face relaxed, she can’t tell if he is asleep or not.
Janeway reaches out, one delicate hand on his shoulder. “Stay?”
One word. A request, a revelation of her vulnerability. Definitely not a command, she isn’t being his Captain right now. Janeway doesn’t meet his eyes, sitting up to pull off her boots. She tries to ignore her shame, but it’s there, a constant. Guilt combined with lust. She doesn’t see him nod, but feels her touch reciprocated, a firm hand on her back before he pushes himself up the bed to rest his head on a pillow. They sleep soundly, chastely beside each other, and in the morning Janeway has no regret about her inaction, because he gave her everything she needed in the moment with only his presence.