Chapter Text
They flew to him like bats out of hell, and in Laszlo’s case, literally.
“Finally!” sighed Nadja as she waltzed quickly down the hallway toward the front door.
Guillermo stood still at the doorway, a bag of snacks in one hand and his keys and earphones dangling from the other. “Um…”
He saw Nandor’s silhouette behind Nadja, his cape billowing behind him. Laszlo screeched in his batform and transformed back into his human form in front of Guillermo.
“Hey! Wait a minute!” Nadja exclaimed. “Where are the virgins?!”
Laszlo glanced behind Guillermo past the open door. “Gizmo, where the hell are they?”
“Um…” Guillermo said again and then he shook himself and closed the door. “What are you guys talking about? I didn’t bring any food. It’s my day off, remember?” At this, he looked at Nandor who was standing still and looking just as confused as the others.
“But we smell them, Guillermo.” Nandor said, walking closer. “At least…” he paused, “hmm, three.”
“I think four.” Laszlo said, lifting his head up to smell. “Yes, four!”
“Ugh! He doesn’t have them! What is the meaning of this, Gizmo!” Nadja put her hands on her hips. “Nandor! Your familiar is being downright negligent!”
“Now, now,” Nandor said calmly, “I’m sure Guillermo has a perfectly good explanation on why he has clearly been around virgins but didn’t bring them to us. Isn’t that right, Guillermo?” Nandor looked at him expectantly.
“There are no virgins. It’s my day off. I have a life outside of this house, you know.” Guillermo sighed. “I was just hanging out with some friends.” The vampire hunters weren’t really his friends yet, but he thought they could be. Tonight, they had invited him to do something less hunter-y and more social and they had gone out to check out the local costume shop. They had taken turns trying out funny hats and heavy coats. Guillermo supposed that’s why the smell was so strong. It was hot in the store and sharing a sweaty metal helmet with velvet lining was probably not that sanitary. “I’m going to my room now,” he said as he rearranged his things and put his keys on the key holder. He ignored the offended splutterings from Nadja and Laszlo. Nandor didn’t say anything at first. Guillermo took a step toward his stairwell cubby but then Nandor stopped him.
“Guillermo, it’s quite rude not to bring such tasty virgins home. What exactly were you doing with these ‘friends’, hmmm?” Nandor’s pupils grew slightly and Guillermo knew he was hungry. But fuck it, he wasn’t going to give in and go find him a snack. It was his day off.
“We were just hanging out. I’ll bring you something—er, someone to eat tomorrow.” Guillermo shuffled away before he could cave into Nandor’s cravings. The other two could go fuck themselves anyway.
“You see!” Laszlo said as Guillermo walked away. “It was a bad idea giving him a day off!”
Guillermo closed his bedroom curtain behind him and put his earbuds back on as he went through his snacks. He bit into a piece of jerky and pulled up his laptop. He typed out a message to the Discord group. His costume alterations would be ready by Monday, and he still had to polish up his accessories, but it was all coming together. He smiled as he sent the message.
‘Looking forward to Ren Fest. Vampire weekend, here we come.’
Seconds later, his screen pinged with excited exclamations and a thing from Derek about a possible orgy on the camp-grounds afterhours. Everyone immediately told him to shut up.
Truth be told, Guillermo wasn’t really into that geeky stuff (he tried hard not to think about the LARPer Jenna and her fate) but he could put his reservations aside for the sake of actual friendships. It’s not like he didn’t dress up, albeit as a vampire, since he was 10, and as recently, and embarrassingly, as 22. Now though, it would be a little different. He almost felt guilty about it but then he looked at the mock-up the store clerk gave him. “I’m going to look so cool,” he whispered.
---
The package was extremely lame looking. He almost rolled his eyes. It had some stupid “vampire deterrent” sigils marked on it with sharpie and dumb Latin phrases that meant nothing to anyone but the pope. He tore it up and pulled out the long trench coat and the chest rig. “Yesss.” He said to himself as he strapped on his outfit. Simple, but badass. He turned to look himself in the little mirror and smiled. His guilt would have to come back another day. He was missing just a few more things and he walked over to his mini fridge.
“Guillermo!” Nandor shouted just outside the room. Guillermo practically slammed the mini fridge door off its hinges.
“Ye-yes, Master?” Guillermo turned to face Nandor as he walked in.
“I need a French ‘Press’,” he declared, “Tonight, I’ll be having French food and I would like to see what this press is all about. I heard it’ll tenderize for easier extraction!” he said excitedly.
“Oh, um, Master, a French Press is a small container to make coffee. It’s not for humans.” Guillermo always felt a mixture of exasperation and tenderness when Nandor’s ignorance and imagination led him to these situations. How could a vampire this old not know so many basic things about the world, especially after living in New York City for this long.
“What? But Colin Robinson said it was really good for extraction!” Nandor looked put out.
“I’m sorry, Master.” Guillermo offered.
“Well, nevermind then.” Nandor shrugged then he looked at his familiar up and down. “Guillermo, what is that you have on? Is this another one of your cold clothes ‘snuggly’?” Guillermo had had to explain to the group that he needed heat in the winter and had to explain the purpose of a Snuggie.
“No, Master. It’s just a coat.” Guillermo said, straightfaced and easily. He knew Nandor well enough that he wouldn’t figure it out, but he didn’t want to give him any reason to suspect.
“Hmm, it’s not too terrible looking.” Nandor said. He seemed to be admiring the fabric. “Too light for me though.” And he moved his shoulders so that his heavy cape undulated slowly.
“Yes, Master.”
“Nandor, the food is almost here!” Laszlo shouted a few feet away and then he was also standing and looking at Guillermo. “Oh.” His eyes traced the line of the coat. “That’s not bad.”
“Er…” Guillermo responded. The coat was cool, but not that cool.
“Hold on, it smells distinctly like a virgin.” Laszlo said suddenly. “Where did you get that?”
Now Guillermo was fidgeting. “A costume shop.”
“A costume shop? Like for a party?” Laszlo said, intrigued.
“Yeah, I guess.” Guillermo shrugged.
“Who’s going to a party?” said Nadja, who had appeared behind Laszlo.
“Gizmo is all dressed up for some kind of shindig, darling.” Laszlo pointed at Guillermo.
“A party?” Nandor now said, curious. “You are not off today, Guillermo.” He squinted his eyes slightly.
“I know, I was just trying it on for this Saturday.”
“Where are we going?” came a dull voice from behind everyone.
“There’s a costume party on Saturday night!” Nadja responded to Colin Robinson.
“Oh, fun!” Colin Robinson said.
“No. No, guys. It’s not a costume party. It’s a human thing. It’s not, it’s not for vampires.” Guillermo struggled to keep his cool. They were always so damn nosy and so ridiculous.
“Well, that’s quite rude, Gizmo.” Nadja exclaimed.
“And it smells like a virgin! So you’re clearly going somewhere with virgins!”
“Jesus! I’m going to the Ren Fest! It’s human only!”
“Ohhhh, the Ren Fest!” Colin Robinson spoke up, “Did you know that the first renaissance fair was held in this city and was later marketed by the Hallmark company?” Colin Robinson went out for a while to explain the detailed history of ren faires and the other vampires blinked at him for a few moments before Laszlo interrupted him.
“Does that mean it’s full of virgins?”
“Oh yeah. Full of them.” Colin Robinson smiled, slightly mischievously.
Nadja clapped, “Ohh, but that sounds like so much fun! Dinner and a show!”
“So it’s settled then!” Laszlo beamed, his hands in his vest pockets.
“What?! Guys, no! It’s my day off! You can’t come!” Guillermo rushed to say, as the vampires started to get excited.
"What do you mean, Guillermo? We can go wherever we like.” Nandor tutted.
“But Master, it’s my day off. You promised.” Guillermo pleaded.
“I’m not going to make you work. We’ll just be going the same day and time you are.” Nandor smiled.
The vampires then started to talk loudly about their costumes and what kind of virgins they would find at the faire. Colin Robinson wondered out loud what vendor he could feed on all day and talk about their wares and how actually, there was a better way to make whatever it is they make.
“Oh god.” Guillermo held his head.
A second later, the doorbell rang. The caterers from the expensive, authentic French restaurant across town had arrived. It was a shame all that food would be left untouched.
Guillermo sighed again.