Work Text:
Peter leaned against the paint-chipped wall, pulling the blanket over his body as he shivered. The apartment he was placed in..isn’t the best. It was run down, shabby, and cold (especially in the middle of winter).
What day was it again? He can’t recall. He’s lost track. Peter can’t even remember how long he’s been gone now, maybe, 6 months? 6 months of this constant limbo of hiding from the world. Abandoning his friends and Aunt to portray a life of anonymity for god knows how long.
Leaning over and grabbing the ripped up calendar next to his mattress, tired eyes glanced down at the date. December 25th.
Oh.
Peter drops the calendar back to the ground and lolled his head back against the wall. Curiosity began to fill his head as he began to wonder if it was snowing outside (not like he could see past the boards on the windows), If May was watching one of her favorite cheesy Christmas movie specials again, and if Ned and Mj got each other gifts this year. A sad smile hinted at his lips at the thought of Ned gifting Mj her own Lego set to build and how she’d roll her eyes at the yet, secretly would like it.
Thinking about those potential moments, moments he is missing right now causes a lump to build in his throat. Loneliness had been an overbearing feeling on his shoulders since the second he fled New York. When Peter needed everyone around him the most, he had to vanish.
Act like he never existed. As if Spiderman up and left without a single trace behind him. Because Peter had to, not only for himself but for those he loved and cared for. He couldn’t drag them down further into this mess he created.
Peter almost didn’t notice the tears building in his eyes, threatening to spill down his face as he was lost in thought. Days like these became harder and harder to swallow, every inch of confidence and stability he has built up was instantly stripped away from him. Leaving Peter feeling nothing but hollow and numb.
Mj constantly overtook Peter’s lonesome ridden thoughts. He yearned for her loving embrace and the way she’d run her fingers through his curls to soothe him. He could always confide in her, no matter what, he trusted her. Peter wanted nothing more but to take a walk with her in their nearby park, hand-in-hand, as they clutched hot chocolate in the other. Chatting away and cracking inside jokes with no care in the world. Michelle would laugh and Peter would have the urge to kiss her.
Nobody to rip them apart.
Nobody to harm her.
Nobody to snatch everything he has ever loved.
Moments Peter especially misses when he finally saved up enough money (well, with a little help from May) to get the camera he’s been wanting. Instantly, he wanted to show Mj his new prized possession.
flashback:
“It looks cool, vintage.” She commented with a hint of a smile on her lips as she looked down at the camera Peter clutched in his fingers. “Sold just enough action figures to make the money for it,” Peter replied looking up at her.
The snow was falling around them, invading the tips of their shoulder and the locks of their hair. The moment he laid eyes on her once more, it was like the wind was knocked out of Peter. He noticed how she scrunched up her eyebrows in confusion but he didn’t pay it any mind.
Peter was completely engulfed by Mj’s winter-burned cheeks and how the snow falls perfectly in her hair. She was breathtaking, she always was. But this time it was like the first time he laid eyes on her all over again.
“What?” Mj asked and before he would answer, an idea popped into his head.
Peter raises the camera, squinting one eye into the viewfinder as his finger lingered over the button. A grin on his lips, “How about you be my first model?”
“Model?” Mj snorted in response.
“Yeah, I want you to be in the first photos I take. Memories, y’ know?”
Eyebrows still knitted in confusion but she nodded anyway. “Okay...” She awkwardly shifted in her place, stuffing her hands in her jacket pockets. “How should I pose?” A nervous smile lacing Michelle’s lips.
“Just like that.” and without a second to spare Peter snapped the photo.
He pulled up his sleeve to brush away the tears that fell down his cheeks. Fuck, he missed her so much. He missed them all so fucking much. He always spent this holiday surrounded by those he loved and now? Peter is spending it on a cold apartment floor with nothing around him but a mattress and his ripped up suit.
Barren.
Empty.
Vacant.
Exactly how he felt.
As he wiped away all his fallen tears, Peter remembered something. Shaking at the knees, he stood up and stumbled over to his duffel bag, which was full of random articles of clothing and necessities Peter had to stuff into it last minute. Pushing back the crumbled up clothes, at the bottom of the bag was his grey zip-up. He slowly pulled it out and laid the material in his lap.
Peter ran his hands over the pockets and froze when he felt something that crinkled under his touch. Not waiting for a moment more, he reached in and pulled out the crumpled photo. His thumb brushing over the bent material in means to smooth it out the most Peter could.
Staring back at him was one of the photos of Mj he took that very day. And no matter how far she was or how crumbled the photo was, Peter could still see the twinkle in her eyes and how genuine her smile was.
Tears built up once more.
Peter wonders if right now if he had a normal life and if he never came across Mysterio, how would things be for him right now? What would he be doing back in New York? He’d like to imagine he would have invited Ned and Mj over for Christmas dinner that May made for all of them. He’d even convince Happy to come along too. Then, they’d hand out each other’s gifts and play cliche Christmas games as laughter and joy would bubble up in the room. And Peter would feel happy for the first time in a while.
For just that day, he wouldn’t feel the whole world barring down on his shoulders.
Yet, he knew in his world of being Spiderman, days like that would be rare. His current situation was a prime example of that. Yet, it didn’t mean Peter didn’t still yearn for it, he always will.
Tears trailed down Peter’s flushed cheeks, his eyes never leaving the picture clutched in his shaky fingers. He just hopes, despite anything out of this mess he created, that Mj was safe and happy. That right now, she was getting all the gifts, love, and joy she deserves.
Something that Peter couldn’t give her and maybe will never be able to.
“Merry Christmas, Mj.” He spoke as his lips quivered, “I’m so sorry."