Chapter Text
“I own you."
Those were his exact words. The words that I would never forget. Gloss had warned me. He had warned me to not do anything reckless. To do everything to not upset the President. But had I expected this? Had I expected something so ugly? So demeaning?
I feel the shiver run across my skin. Over my arms and all the way down to the tips of my toes. The thought of what he had asked of me made me sick. And he hadn’t even asked it, he had demanded it. He had ordered me to sell myself.
I almost jump up from the couch when I hear the door. Ever since the games, unexpected movement and sounds startle me. I suppose that is the price you have to pay for winning the vile thing. For killing 6. For making sure 23 innocent children are dead. Well, one of the prices at least.
Gloss notices me right away and his eyes lock onto mine within moments.
What had happened to him during the last year? His eyes are so different. As if they are drained of all happiness.
When my brother came back from winning his games he was not the strong 16 year old that had left our home only a few weeks earlier. Physically he hadn’t changed but his eyes never smiled again. No one could touch him. It was as if every form of human contact was hard. My brother had killed 7 people in a matter of days and I hate what it had done to him.
Gloss slowly walks my way. His steps measured and slow like he is testing out a prey animal.
"Cash? Are you all right?" He asks. His voice is almost trembling.
I do not answer him. Does he know? Does he know what Snow has ordered? Does he know of the treats? Of the risks if I refuse?
Gloss had been there when I woke up after the games. His eyes had been sad. I didn’t know what to think of my brother. We had won back to back games. How could he not be happy for me? We would return as celebrities. The famous siblings from District One.
I notice how the pillows move when Gloss sits down beside me. Our eyes still locked onto each other and I am sure he can see the tears in my eyes. I do not want them to be there but I can’t help it.
Sure the games had changed him. I had heard his terrible screams over the last few weeks. He had vivid nightmares of his time in the arena. He told me once that the tributes came to him every night. That the image of Lila, the district Seven girl, sat in his chair for hours. Just watching him, watching his every move. But I always thought that was the price he paid for fame. For freedom.
Killing Lila had made him famous. He could go to the capitol and be rich. He could live his life in real luxury instead of the made up life we had been living before.
I hate to say it but I had always been the center of attention in our family. Being the only girl in a line of four boys had naturally created the distinction. Everyone always told me I was special or at least my family did. I was going to be the one to make our family famous. And then Gloss was reaped and took that away from me. I guess it made me kind of jealous. It is stupid, I know, but still.
Gloss and I stare at each other for a while not really knowing what to say. His hands are clenched at his side trying to mask the way he is feeling. He knows I have been to Snow’s mansion. He was there with me until Tiberius, the man Snow uses to control the victors, had hushed me away to meet the President. I had seen the warning in his eyes at that moment. He had wanted to tell me something but he did not have the chance. While I climbed the stairs I noticed the woman clinging to his side. Kissing his neck. Whispering in his ear. I saw his eyes glancing at me to give me one last warning.
And suddenly I know. The image in my head is very clear. I know why I can’t hug him the way we used to, why he shivers at every touch. I understand the sadness in his eyes and the struggle within himself to decide of he should be happy or not. There must be a part of him that is happy to have his sister back, but there is also a part that knows what that sister is going to do in the years to come. A life he wouldn't have wished for his biggest enemy.
Snow's demand of me makes me look at Gloss in a different way. His change is not just about the games. The pain in his eyes not just from the blood on his hands.
"Why didn’t you tell me?" I ask.
Gloss lets out a heavy sigh before he looks away.
"I didn't think you would volunteer. You knew what the games did to me. I thought that would scare you away." Gloss replies.
It hadn’t. I do not blame him for being reaped, it wasn’t his fault. But I had missed my position as the star of the family. Yes, I know it sounds selfish. But I got used to it. I got used to the attention. If I was hurt there were four older brothers to pick me up in a minute and carry me home. They had alwasy protecte me with their lives and after the games that changed. I lost one of my protectors because he had different things on his mind and I had a hard time dealing with that.
Three of our brothers had made it through their eligible years without a scratch. Yes, they trained for it. That was kind of a package deal if you tested into the Academy at age 10. When you did, going to school meant training. If you wanted to volunteer or not. So we trained. All of us. But my brothers never even talked about giving up our relatively good life for a chance at fame. Gloss did not think about it either. He would have been happy staying in the district and marrying a local girl. And so he went to his fifth reaping thinking he would be coming home just like everyone of us had. Until his name was called. There he was, just 16 and all of us thought the volunteer would safe him. But the appointed volunteer got cold feet and so his fate was settled. He would be the new star of the family.
To watch the games while one of your loved ones is competing was horrendous. Never before had I been so interested in them. I always watched at the appointed times, considering it was mandatory viewing, but they never interested me beyond that. Until now. I saw my brother shining in the tribute parade. His well toned body on display for the whole of Panem to see. He was no longer just my brother, he was a tribute. And a good one if his odds were to be believed. He scored a 10 in training and swooned the crowd with his tough yet gentle manner. Of course he would join the career pacl, no surprises there. Except maybe district 4 missing out of the alliance as a whole.
I saw him change. The boy I saw in the games was not the boy I knew. After fooling around for almost a week with his fellow careers they decided to split up. He did not have to do much to get them killed though. His district partner, a beautiful girl named Diamond, was killed the next night by Lila. Lila had sneaked up on her from a tree branch and had killed here with one silent move of a knife against her throat. The District Two female, Maple, was pecked to death by a mutt shortly after she killed her district partner Manny by throwing a knife into his gut.
Which left Gloss with just Lila. Lila was sneaky. Moving around in the trees waiting for her victims to show themselves. Gloss knew that being just as smart was the only way of killing her. So he just waited. He sat at the Cornucopia relying on his sponsors for food. She could not stay hidden forever and he decided not to give her a chance to sneak up on him.
He only had to wait for a few hours before she came out. She walked into the clearing with her eyes fixed on him. I don’t know how she was planning to kill him but apparently she was done waiting. His sword at the ready while she picked up speed. It didn’t take much. She tried throwing a few knives but they weren’t even close to hitting him. In the end she sort of walked into his sword. While she fell to the ground tears had flown from her eyes. She had begged him to finish her. Begged him to make it quick. So he took one of her own knives and put it in her heart. Making him a victor.
"Why did you not tell me before I went into the arena?" I ask him softly.
I almost hear him thinking about the right answer.
"To make sure you would not be scared to come back. I could not change that you were going into the games. But if you were going in I wanted you to win. To come back to me." Gloss blurts out. "I know it sounds selfish and it is but maybe I just wanted someone who understood what I was going through. Someone I could talk to about the things that I am supposed to keep a secret."
I watch as he turns around, slowly lifting his shirt. It takes me a moment to realise what I am seeing. All over his back there are small red lines. Like something had scratched him. Not something, someone. The vague outlines of bite marks are visible on the back of his shoulder. As my fingers track the red lines I feel him shiver under my touch.
"All your dates. All the moments you left us alone at night. All the moments everybody seemed to cover your whereabouts. You were -" I ask, my voice barely there.
He nods silently before I can even finish my question.
"The woman at the party in Snow’s mansion?" I ask, not really wanting to know the asnwer.
"Not my choice." Gloss mutters.
Another silence fills the air around us as Gloss turns around to face me again.
When Gloss had to go back to the Capitol for his victory tour he had seemed scared. He did not show it but he looked like he hardly slept a full night. He had stayed in the Capitol for over a month after his tour was finished. I had wondered what he had done all that time. Gloss had never complained about District One. But something had drawn him to the Capitol. It all made perfect sense when the stories of his excessive dating were broadcast all over Panem and I had immediately thought it was all true.
Why had I not noticed? My brother had never been interested in girls before. He had never had a girlfriend. What made me think that the games had changed that part of him as well? It wasn’t like him to run away with a different girl every night.
So why had I thought it was?
"Are the threats real?" I ask
"Yes, Snow has killed people for less than not following his orders." Gloss replies. "Remember Haymitch Abernathy from Twelve?"
I nod.
"They say he did something in his games that Snow did not like." Gloss says. "He came home to find his family and girlfriend murdered for what he had done."
So there clearly is no choice. If the treats are true. If our family is really in danger. Then there is no choice. Gloss had probably come to the exact same conclusion. There is no way that I can change it now. No way that I can make this right. I will just have to deal with it.
"So how does this work?" I ask, a strenght in my voice that is a bit foreign to me.
"You will get a red envelope smelling of roses. In it will be a card with a name and a time. At the time you have to be dressed up and ready downstairs. A car will take you to whomever is waiting for you." Gloss replies. "And then you just do what is asked. No complaining. Just do it. Even if it takes every little inch of your soul that is left. Don’t refuse."
I can hear the hurt in his voice. Had he ever refused anything? Were the women of the capitol that bad? I mean the games are sadistic, I am 16 and I have killed more people than I can count on one hand. But that does not mean that everyone in the capitol is like that.
Apart from the fact that they buy teenagers for their own pleasure. Which is quite bad in itself when I think about it. Bying a grown up who makes his own choices for sex is debatable. But buying a teenager, a child, that is just fucked up. Who are these people who enjoy children killing each other and exploiting the ones that come out victorius?
"How do you do it?" I ask.
A sudden laugh escapes his mouth.
"I am not going to give you the talk, Cash." Gloss replies. "I am quite sure you know how it works."
I can’t help but smile at his comment. Sure I know how it works. Unlike my brother I have had some experience with the boys back home. Well with one boy really. Marcus had been quite a romance the year before. While Gloss was making his new life as a victor I longed for attention. Attention which Marcus gave. I don’t think I had really loved him. He was just the boy that I met when I desperately needed someone to notice me. It was innocent and short lived.
"I know how it works." I say, smiling lightly. "I just don’t know how to do it with someone who will pay for me. Who will only long for my body and nothing else."
Gloss's face turns grim again. A huge frown on his forehead.
"You just do it. Try to forget it’s happening." He mutters.
Gloss stands up from the couch and starts walking to his room. Clearly our talk is over.
"Cash, go to sleep." He says, not turning around. "We will talk tomorrow. I promise."
As he opens the door to his room I have one more question.
"Gloss, how do you forget?"
His eyes pierce mine. The pain clearly visible.
"I don’t. I just pretend I do."