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The low rumble of the Shadow Border’s engine was Ritsuka’s only company as she lay awake. She knew she should be asleep. Da Vinci had said they would be arriving at their destination soon, and there was no telling how much time she would have to rest later. Despite this knowledge, her brain just wouldn’t shut off.
Being the Master of Chaldea really sucked sometimes. The constant fighting. Having to see people and Servants alike die wherever she went. The knowledge that the world as she knew it rested on her shoulders. It was all too much to bear. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it was a battle just to feel right in her own body. She had been able to change some things, but magecraft and estradiol shots could only do so much. At the end of the day, she still felt trapped inside herself.
Maybe that was why, on this lonesome night, she couldn’t help but cry. It was the only thing she could do to relieve the pain. What started with a few stray tears quickly became a torrent. Unable to keep holding back, she wailed into the darkness, not caring if anyone heard her. She so badly wished that someone would come and take her away from her misery.
“Senpai? Is that you?”
Right on cue, Mash had followed the sound all the way to its source. Despite everything they had been through together, Ritsuka had always tried to stay strong around her. Now, as the façade was crumbling, all she could do was nod in shame.
Mash came up to the edge of the bed. “Is everything alright? You’re not in pain, are you?”
Ritsuka reached out and took Mash’s hand. “I’m sorry,” she said, trying in vain to hold back her tears. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this. If you don’t mind, though, can you at least stay with me?” She pulled back the covers, hinting at what she wanted. Mash crawled into bed next to Ritsuka and hugged her, resting a hand on the back of her head. The tears began to flow freely once again. The shame of crying in front of someone Ritsuka loved just made her cry even harder.
“You’re okay,” Mash said softly as she tightened her grip. “Just let it all out.” Ritsuka couldn’t even form a complete sentence without bawling, so Mash continued to comfort her until the pain subsided. Finally, once Ritsuka had regained her composure, they crashed onto the mattress, still holding each other close.
“Thank you,” Ritsuka said, staring into Mash’s eyes. “This has just been building and building for a long time.”
“I understand, Senpai. The last few years haven’t been easy, have they?” Mash let her fingers interlock with Ritsuka's. “It hasn’t all been bad, though. Do you remember that day after we defeated Solomon, when we were able to go outside?”
“How could I forget? It was the first time we said that we loved each other. You said you still weren’t sure what love even meant, but we could find out together. It was so cute.”
Mash cracked a smile and blushed slightly. “That was such a cheesy line, wasn’t it? I also remember the first time you told me you wanted to be—or rather, that you were—a girl. You told me you felt miserable every time you looked in the mirror, but the thought of transitioning still scared you. Every time you went in for a treatment, I held your hand. You looked so happy when your body started changing. I wanted to parade you around the halls of Chaldea, just to show everyone how beautiful you were.”
Ritsuka started smiling as well. “I think what really made me happy was knowing that it didn’t change how you felt about me. I didn’t have to be a fake version of myself anymore.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter what happens, I’ll always be right here to help you get through it.” Mash let out a yawn before letting her arms relax. “It’s pretty late now, so let’s get some sleep.”
Ritsuka wiped away the last of her tears. “Would you mind kissing me goodnight?” she asked, bringing her face a little closer.
“Of course, Senpai.” Mash closed her eyes and gently kissed Ritsuka on the lips, draining whatever sorrow still lingered. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too, Mash.”
For the first time since they left Chaldea behind, Ritsuka truly felt safe.
They awoke the next morning to the sound of the alarm clock, relieved that an emergency alert hadn’t disturbed them in the middle of the night. Ritsuka had slept soundly in Mash’s arms, and she never wanted to leave. Duties were duties, though, so she would just have to get up. Da Vinci and Goredolf would be expecting them shortly, anyway.
After getting dressed, the two walked hand in hand to the cockpit for their daily briefing. Ritsuka had a reputation for being affectionate with her Servants, but with Mash, it was different. Despite trying to keep things professional when other people were around, it was an open secret that they were a couple. The only reason why they still hid their relationship was because Mash felt more comfortable that way. If it were up to Ritsuka, she would tell the whole world (insofar as it still existed) how madly in love she was.
For now, though, there were more pressing matters to attend to. Da Vinci explained that the Shadow Border had malfunctioned about four hours earlier, and they were still working on getting things back to normal. For the time being, it was too risky to use the Paper Moon again, which would delay their arrival significantly. All they could do was wait for the mechanics to do their job.
Mash needed to spend the day on maintenance and training, so that left Ritsuka by herself. This was how it always seemed to be when they tried to spend time together. Either they would be too busy fighting for their lives to do anything intimate, or they would be forced apart before long. Ritsuka was still sleeping alone almost every night. If she could make any wish upon the Holy Grail, it would be for a quiet, happily married life with Mash, away from the suffering that had surrounded them for years.
Ritsuka didn’t feel like she could confide in anyone else aboard the Shadow Border about her pain. They were all suffering in their own way. It didn’t seem right to expect them to bear the weight of her burdens in addition to what they themselves were going through. Not even Mash, who had been the light of her life ever since they met, was exempt from this. Whenever someone asked her how she was doing, she just faked a smile and said she was fine. They had only ever seen the plucky, intelligent, never-say-die heroine who had successfully fought through everything that was put in front of her. As far as she was concerned, that was the only side they ever needed to see.
Once her responsibilities for the day were complete, Ritsuka returned to her room and went back to bed. As she lay on her side, she felt a few more tears fall onto the pillow. Even the previous night’s events had only been a temporary fix. Her last thoughts before falling asleep were whether it would really be so bad if she never woke up.
Her eyes opened again a few hours later. The first thing she noticed was the heat on her back. The second was the sound of calm, steady breathing. Someone else was in her bed. With a slight tinge of dread, she slowly turned around to see who it was.
Ritsuka heaved a sigh of relief when she saw that her unexpected guest was Mash, who still had her eyes closed. She looked so adorable, maybe even angelic, as she slept. Unable to resist, Ritsuka carefully gave her a kiss goodnight. One kiss soon turned into two, then three, then four. Just before the fifth kiss, Mash’s lips parted slightly, making Ritsuka wonder if she was awake. She got her answer when she felt a tongue slip into her mouth.
Mash’s kisses were usually soft and slow, but now they were messy and passionate. She must have been craving Ritsuka’s touch just as much as Ritsuka craved hers. After clumsily making out for a minute or two, they pulled themselves away and stared at each other. A trail of spit connected their mouths. They tried to speak, but there was no need to explain anything. A simple nod was enough to make it clear what they wanted.
Ritsuka began to unbutton Mash’s pajama top, kissing the newly exposed flesh as she went. She had always loved how warm and soft her dear kouhai’s skin was. Just feeling it against her face was a wonderful sensation, and she wanted to take her time as she enjoyed it. The cute moans and squeaks Mash made as she grew more aroused were an added bonus. By the time the top was all the way off, they could barely hold back.
“Please go lower,” Mash mumbled, still trying to keep her voice down. “I need you.” Ironically for a Shielder, her defenses had been no match for her Master’s lips. She squirmed and panted from desperation, begging to be ravished.
Ritsuka was planning on doing a little more teasing before she got to the fun part, but Mash looked too pitiful to keep her waiting. She pulled off the rest of the pajamas, taking a pair of white panties with them and leaving Mash completely bare. The sight never failed to take Ritsuka’s breath away. She quickly buried her head between Mash’s thighs, taking in the intoxicating smell. There was perhaps no other place in the world she would rather be. Now the only thing left to do was have a taste.
Cunnilingus had always been a bittersweet experience for Ritsuka. She loved the way Mash would rest her hands on her head, digging her fingers in more and more as she got closer to orgasm. She loved holding Mash’s hand while looking up at her, making sure she was still enjoying it. She loved the fact that she was the only one who would ever get to do this to her. What she hated was knowing that Mash couldn’t return the favor, all because Ritsuka had different genitals. Despite her frustration, she tried to focus her thoughts on making sure Mash felt good. While continuing to gently lick Mash’s clitoris, Ritsuka slid a finger inside.
Mash covered her mouth to stop herself from moaning too loudly. She had to be getting close now, and the sight was so erotic that Ritsuka couldn’t help but touch herself. With her free hand, she reached between her own legs and pulled down her pajama bottoms a little so she could stroke her erect penis, moving up and down the shaft. Despite how good it felt, she refused to let her hands and tongue rest. She needed to see Mash come, and she wouldn’t have to wait for much longer. Mash squeezed Ritsuka’s head with her thighs as she thrashed around, losing herself in the pleasure.
That could have been the end, but Ritsuka couldn’t stop herself from continuing to masturbate. It had been a few days since she last came and she needed release. She didn’t even care if she made a mess. The only thing that made her slow down was when she felt a hand on her head, tilting it back up.
“In here,” Mash said while pointing to her mouth.
Ritsuka frantically crawled over to where Mash’s head was and put her hands on the wall. Mash held the base of the penis with one hand and took it into her mouth. Once it was in, Ritsuka moved her hips back and forth, letting Mash’s lips and tongue surround her shaft. Looking down and seeing how happy Mash was to be pleasing her Master was the last thing it took to bring Ritsuka over the edge. Semen spurted out of her and down Mash’s throat.
After they got their bearings and cleaned up, Ritsuka rested her head on Mash’s lap. She poured out all of the thoughts and feelings she had been keeping to herself, including her struggles with depression and dysphoria. Mash silently played with Ritsuka’s hair as she listened to everything.
When there was nothing left to say, Ritsuka looked back up at Mash. “Are you really still okay with me, after all that?”
Mash bent over and kissed Ritsuka’s forehead. “Of course I’m still okay with you. I’m not just your Servant. I’m your girlfriend, and I could never ask for anyone else. I love all of you, Senpai. Nothing can change that.”
Ritsuka moved her head so Mash could slip under the covers next to her. “You know, when we’re alone like this, I don’t mind if you call me by my name.”
Mash gave her one more quick peck on the lips before putting an arm around her. “In that case, goodnight, Ritsuka. Sweet dreams.”