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It had been easier to sneak around when he lived alone.
Even so, Fili couldn’t bring himself to regret inviting Kili to move in with him. The younger man was… beautiful. Pure. Innocent. Everything Fili wasn’t.
Fili wasn’t sure he was capable of love, but Kili brought him the closest he would ever get.
He liked Kili’s presence. They shared a bond, and although Fili would never truly trust anyone, he trusted Kili enough to invite him into his space. His home. His life. Kili was different to the other mundane people of the world. Fili was thrilled at his eagerness to please, relished in the pleasure they took from each other’s bodies. His touch, his kiss, his love meant acceptance, even if he would never truly accept all of Fili.
Who would accept a psychopath?
He’d never been officially diagnosed, of course. But his lessened emotions, his lack of remorse, his double life as a serial killer… it all added up to the same result.
Still, Kili wasn’t stupid. He definitely suspected there was more to Fili, or at least something different about him. He was starting to ask questions that were a little too pointed for Fili’s comfort.
Kili finding out wasn’t quite his intention, and yet Fili couldn’t stop himself from half-yearning for Kili to discover that behind the loving façade was a man who lacked empathy entirely. A man who had killed. A man who had killed for him.
Perhaps that was why Fili was letting the charade slip, a little at a time. Oh, he’d been so careful to stick to it at first. Cuddling after sex, making sure he stayed in bed with Kili for a reasonable amount of time. He made sure to share in his emotions, crying on cue when Kili’s mother had passed and offering comfort to his lover. Yet as soon as he was alone, the crying ceased, the buzz of emotion was turned off like a switch.
Fili had learned from a very young age how to mimic empathy. How to manifest human emotion at the drop of a hat. How to manipulate the emotions of others around him. He understood emotion perfectly. He just experienced it to a much lesser degree, and it had little lasting effect.
Throughout his relationship with Kili, he had been careful not to give that away. These days, he was being less cautious. It was a game of risk, wondering just how much he could give away before Kili discovered something. Before Fili would have to kill him.
Fili often wondered what it would be like, to be covered in Kili’s blood. To see the light leave his eyes and feel his heart stop.
He wondered if it would make him feel something stronger. Would it be the click of a plan falling into place, the closest thing he felt to happiness? Or would there be frustration, the primary emotion that replaced an empty void where grief and remorse should be?
Alas, tonight would not be the night to find out. He’d slipped Kili a sedative in his wine at dinner. He’d sleep through till morning, missing all of the excitement.
It had given Fili the night to take full advantage of his latest victim.
Fili hadn’t even bothered to learn her name.
She was a former co-worker of Kili’s, who had gotten a little too vicious after a few drinks, and offered a little too freely her opinion of Kili’s lifestyle. Implied promiscuity, clinging to a man a few years his senior. Someone who could provide for him.
She had implied their relationship was not an equal one. That Kili was leveraging sex for comfort and security.
Fili had never known rage like it. The evidence of which was all over his shirt and arms. He usually took more care with his chosen victims, but tonight his emotions had got the better of him.
She wasn’t his usual type, but she’d insulted him. The world would be better off without her cruelty. Fili had drugged her, plucked her from her bed and into the back of his sedan, covered with tarpaulin so nobody would see her.
She’d stayed in the cellar, strapped to a table for a whole day, until Fili had kissed Kili good night, pretended to go to sleep, and then crept down to the cellar, where his tools awaited him.
Her blood had flowed spectacularly, staining the plastic covered walls and floor of the cellar, far beneath where Kili slept.
Fili had even forgotten to pick up a spare shirt.
Yet the deed was done, and her venomous tongue would never put doubts in Kili’s head again. What remained of her would be disposed of at first light.
Unlocking the cellar door, Fili stepped inside his home, a silvery knife clutched in his right hand. It was part of the ritual now, since Kili moved in. An added precaution, in case he was discovered.
But the house was dark. No sound of movement. No creak of floorboards to betray a presence other than his own.
Fili relaxed, setting the blade down on the bench and tearing off his shirt. He bundled it into the washing machine and moved to the sink to begin scrubbing his hands. The water swirled murky against the stainless steel, and the last evidence of his nightly activities drained away.
The light overhead flickered on and Fili wheeled around.
Kili stood before him, wide awake, still in the pyjamas he’d been sleeping in when Fili left. But his eyes held no trace of sleep.
In answer to the unasked question, Kili tossed a bottle at him. With still soaked hands, Fili caught it, his eyes flickering away from Kili for only an instant.
Pro Plus Energy Shot. He must have taken it to counteract the sedative.
He knew.
Fili’s eyes flickered to the blade he’d carelessly left behind him. It lay askew on the counter, mocking him for his negligence. It gleamed from its recent polish, only minutes before Fili had left the cellar. He took pride in his instruments. A combination of chalk dust and vodka brought out the brilliance of the sheen. How fitting that it would be the last thing he ever saw.
His mind raced, thinking of excuses, lies, ten different ways to escape this situation, most of them revolving around killing, killing, killing —
Kili’s eyes followed his own path to the blade and he picked it up. The blade buried in the top of their kitchen counter—the place they’d prepared dinner together only hours earlier—and began to twirl.
“Are you going to kill me?” Kili’s voice was hoarse but unwavering.
And this, this could be why Fili would have loved him in any other universe, if he’d been any other man. Because Kili was standing there, faced with his own potential demise, and there wasn’t a trace of fear in his eyes.
Fili licked his lips, the lie heavy on his tongue, and found he couldn’t bring himself to speak it. He wanted to know what Kili would do when faced with the truth. There was no way of getting out of this, so he’d satisfy his own curiosity if nothing else.
“I don’t want to. I’d never planned to.”
“But you’ve thought about it.”
Fili nods, his eyes fixed on the still-twirling knife. “So many times. The first night we spent together, after we fucked, I wanted nothing more than to cut your throat, let your blood run over my sheets. You would have looked beautiful.”
“Why didn’t you?” The knife paused.
“Because I looked at you when you were sleeping, and I realised you looked beautiful anyway.”
Kili pulled the knife away from the counter and stepped forward, closing the distance between them.
Fili didn’t move, just watched him approach with sharp eyes. Waiting for a window. Waiting for a trigger.
“Did you ever love me?” Kili asked, softly.
“I’m not capable of love, but I do care for you. I hold you in higher regard than anyone else I’ve ever met. My turn to ask a question now. How long have you known?”
Kili shrugged, suddenly evasive. “Not for certain until tonight.” The knife in his hand moved and Fili twitched, but Kili didn’t attack.
Instead, he did the unthinkable.
The knife twirled in his hand so the blade was between his fingers, and he offered the handle to Fili.
What was the play here? Why would he—?
Fili met the unwavering brown eyes that were fixed on him. Still no fear. He exhaled slowly and reached for the knife, feeling it slip from Kili’s grasp into his own.
His head tilted curiously, and he pointed the blade towards Kili’s throat, just close enough to touch the tip to his Adam’s apple.
Kili swallowed, and his pupils dilated at the motion. Not fear, still. No. Something else.
The knife slipped lower, down Kili’s chest. Over his stomach. To the waistband of his loose navy pyjama pants. Pants that had gotten a whole lot tighter over the last few moments.
Ah.
Kili was aroused.
Fili calmed instantly, something foreign welling up in his chest. No, not exactly foreign, but something rare. Something he never really felt outside of the ritual.
Acceptance.
He could see it written all over Kili’s face as plain as day. Gone was the naïve and oblivious mask Kili had worn daily, and Fili let his own mask slip away in return.
In that moment, he laid himself bare for Kili, and found nothing but incomprehensible love. Kili loved the monster behind the man, regardless of whether or not the man could ever love him back.
They’d found something together that worked while they lived a life of smoke and mirrors. With those obstacles removed, Fili knew that they would only find something better. Something dark and beautiful.
The knife slipped below the waistband of Kili’s pants, and Kili closed his eyes, his head tilting back as his lips parted. The exhale was music to Fili’s ears. He withdrew and tossed the knife behind him. His mouth sealed over Kili’s moments before it clattered against the wall.
Kili’s acceptance had sparked a different kind of need in him tonight. Something urgent. Something hungry.
Something that would not be denied.
And it was clear Kili had no intention of denying him.
They fumbled their way to the kitchen floor, Kili’s baggy t-shirt being tugged over his head and tossed aside. Finesse wasn’t a part of the plan, if it could be said that either of them had a plan.
For once, Fili certainly didn’t have any details pinned, beyond divesting Kili of his clothes as soon as possible. His lips traced across Kili’s jaw to his ear. “Stay still,” he whispered, nipping at the lobe.
This was the part where Kili usually listened. Tonight, however, all bets were off, and Fili found a hand hastily undoing the zipper of his pants, freeing his erection.
With one hand he propped himself up, hovering over Kili to find an uncharacteristically smug smile across his face. His eyes narrowed and he pushed himself further up, just out of Kili’s reach.
“Come on,” Kili whined. Unable to reach, he shoved his own pants down to his knees, kicking them off to the side.
Fili didn’t respond, just took a moment to admire Kili beneath him, naked and squirming, a feast for the eyes. His tanned form was a stark contrast against the white chevron vinyl beneath him.
From the moment the light had switched on, Fili had expected to have Kili at his mercy before too long. He just hadn’t expected it to be like this.
“Fee—”
Though he relished the sound of Kili’s pleas, Fili crushed their mouths together, effectively silencing him. He knew what Kili was going to ask for. He couldn’t oblige.
Yet Kili would not be deterred, biting hard on Fili’s lower lip. Hard enough to make Fili hiss and recoil. A sweep of his tongue against the injury left the faint tang of metallic on his taste buds. Blood.
His eyes darkened. “You bit me.”
“Because I know what you’re trying to do! I want you to fuck me.”
Fili licked his lower lip again. “No.”
“Fili.”
“No. There’s no lube here, and I’m not going to hurt you,” Fili told him firmly. “And I’m not leaving this room and neither are you.”
Despite everything, he couldn’t let go of that little bit of control. He still half-suspected that Kili would run to the phone as soon as he had even a second alone.
Kili groaned. “Then find something else, we’re in the fucking kitchen!”
Fili looked down at Kili again. His eyes were lidded, a flush creeping down his chest. Even his limbs were trembling. He was lying there, simply begging to be fucked.
Not even a monster like Fili could refuse. He sat up long enough to yank the bottle of olive oil from the counter top, drizzling a healthy amount over his fingers and rubbing them together.
Kili moaned at the sight, spreading his legs, waiting for the touch.
Fili worked up open quickly, working him to two fingers. Kili writhed and begged beneath him, leaking precome all over his tanned stomach.
Calculating to the end, Fili withdrew his fingers and for the first time that evening, he watched Kili falter. “Two? Is that enough?”
No. It wasn’t. There’d be a small amount of discomfort, even pain, but Fili had done that intentionally. He kept Kili’s gaze intently. “Can you take it?” he asked softly.
The uncertainty vanished from Kili’s face and he gave a curt nod. Fili held back a smile of approval, but let his eyes betray what he didn’t say aloud.
Good boy.
He slicked and lined himself up, and pushed in. Balled fists were the only indication Kili gave of any discomfort, refusing to let himself make a sound, to betray weakness.
Yet again, Fili wondered if it was possible that his loveless heart could find room for Kili, because surely someone so perfect could leave a mark there.
He bottomed out, and kept perfectly still, his breathing even. Fili was many things, but a sexual sadist wasn’t one of them. He didn’t get off on hurting people. He just liked to exercise a little control, and wanted to show Kili that if they had any kind of future, it would be difficult.
Pleasure laced with pain. Pain that later gave way to pleasure.
Such would be their future, and right now, it was also the very nature of their intimacy. This was everything that Kili would need to expect, and Fili did not have the words to share these thoughts.
Finally, Kili gave a nod, and Fili let his hips snap forward.
The whimper that left Kili was breathy, and Fili was satisfied when he noticed the tension around Kili’s eyes had all but disappeared. He thrust forward again, and this time Kili rocked down to meet him.
For a time, Fili gave himself over to the sensations. He rutted into Kili like it would be the last chance he ever had to draw pleasure from him, to coax pleasure out of him. He drove deep, each of Kili’s gasps and moans pushing Fili closer to his release.
“Come,” he grunted.
Kili writhed, his eyes flying open with frustration as he failed to follow the order. “I can’t. It’s not enough.”
His cock was flushed red and leaking between them, and Kili began to reach for it. But Fili batted his hand away, never pausing in his rhythm as he pinned Kili’s wrist to the ground.
“It is enough. Come.”
Kili’s eyes screwed closed and he let out a frustrated groan. “I can’t.”
“You can,” Fili told him firmly. “I know you can.”
“Tell me,” Kili ground out, breathlessly, a non sequitur. “Tell me how you would have killed me?”
Fili’s rhythm stuttered, but he didn’t let up. “You don’t want to hear about this,” he warned. “Not right now.”
“I do.”
And really, Fili wanted to tell him. Wanted to finally see if the fear would finally break through Kili’s arousal. Because this had to be his limit, nobody could face their own mortality and dismiss it.
“With my hands. Around your throat. I’d straddle you, choke you till I could feel you slip away, for both of us to know that your life was literally in my hands.”
Kili’s back arched and he moaned, and Fili’s brain short-circuited. He… liked that?
“But that’s not what you usually do,” Kili guessed. “You were washing blood off your hands when I came in.”
“No,” Fili gritted his teeth. His own release was approaching rapidly, he was hanging on by a thread waiting for Kili to finish his little game, to reach his own peak.
“Why?” Kili panted, his chest heaving from the exertion. He was close, his eyes were wild and dark. Fili had seen this enough times to recognise when Kili was about to reach his climax. “Fee, I’m… tell me why.”
“Because they aren’t you,” he snarled. “Because they don’t deserve such an intimate death. Because they’re nothing and they mean less than nothing to me.”
Kili cried out and Fili leaned down, his mouth pressed roughly to Kili’s ear. “I’d honour you the way I’d never honour anyone else. Because this body, this soul, this heart, it all belongs to me. You’re mine,” he hissed possessively.
Kili keened and Fili felt it the moment his orgasm triggered, his own striking as Kili clenched around him. He slumped forward, catching his breath, waiting for the black spots in his vision to fade.
For a moment the only sounds in the room were two heartbeats, beating out an identical soothing rhythm.
No.
Not identical.
Fili’s pulse was a fraction quicker, just enough to put them out of sync. Their hearts might beat in unison for now, but it wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t.
He pulled back, looking at Kili, noting the peaceful expression on his face and wondering how he could possibly find peace after what he’d found out.
What kind of prey relaxed in the presence of a vicious predator?
Kili’s eyes cracked open and he smiled up at Fili, soft and yearning.
For once, Fili didn’t understand him.
Kili was an enigma. And that was probably the only thing that had saved his life tonight.
Probably.
He blinked as Kili reached up, touching his cheek gently, before guiding him back down to the floor. Fili went willingly, but Kili’s arm didn’t pull away.
This was usually the part where Fili would start to pull away from intimacy. The sex was over, the aftermath was simply stifling and unnecessary.
But…
Well.
Maybe he could make an exception for once.